"Gratitude vs. Frustration vs. Love vs. Anger vs. Impotence vs. Understanding....and on and on and on and on............."

Good Afternoon;

Well it's damn near as nasty out as it was the psat 3 days.....not as hot (yet?), by almost 10 degrees, but the humidity is worse. I took a shower three hours ago and parts of me still aren't dry yet!

Rachel and I walked to the Safeway and she chose a Lunchable, a Sprite, and mint chocolate chip ice cream. I had forgotten about the Starbucks mini stores in the food store, so we got lucky and sat at one of the tables there, it is way to hot to eat outside. On the walk home, EVERY tree or group of trees with a large patch of shade was, "the PERFECT! place to have a picnic" on a cooler day......lol. She is such a little actress.

I am about at the end of my rope with frustration in dealing with the 'ex' as regards the conditions in which my daughter is living. I have gone from asking to reasoning to begging to shouting to try and get her to look beyond her denial. There is no reason for a child to have to live and learn these (easily changed) habits and behaviors. If I had not seen and lived with her when she was taking her meds and facing and treating her ADD and depression, I might be more likely to give her the benefit of the doubt, but when she spends hours and hours knitting, and now has let herself be consumed by jelly making and canning, at the continued expense of the safety, hygiene, and sanitation of my daughter....enough is enough! It took 11 months to simply spray some mildew remover on the barthroom walls..(and it still is only a half ass job!!), and I don't know how many months I have asked her to put a sheet and pillow case on Rachel's bed, let alone pick up the trash on her floor. Last week, she said she would do it that night, I pleaded with her and she lied right to my face, again. I once asked her, when we were still together, "I only have one request...PLEASE do not lie to me anymore...."......she said to me...."I don't think I can promise not to..."..........I should have left right at that minute, I mean, is that a red flag or what?

I thought that this guy living there might be a positive influence, but he seem as happy to live in squalor as her and her kids. I have not called CPS or DSS because I have no place to take her right now, but now I am thinking that maybe I can use them as leverage. If they come out unannounced, and issue a 'improve by this date or else' type citation, maybe that will get results. I asked her today 'why?', and she just got this tight look on her face and would not answer, I pressed her, asking again, getting angrier at her not even looking at me and not even answering...she finally said she was not answering because she was being attacked...'What The F*ck!!'.......she turns my concern about my daughter, and her sleeping on a dirty bed, into something all twisted around about herself.........??

This is the same denial that I dealt with, and finally gave up on, by doing ALL the cleaning, cooking, and laundry, in self defense, even when I was damn near dying (literally.......and I have the scars on my chest to prove it), with pnuemonia.

I do love her, and I know she can be and do better, but do I have to wait at my daughter's expense?

I'm outta time........later...............Dave

"An Unexciting Day...........But Not Boring Or Depressing........For A Change........"

Good Morning;

Todays forecast calls for a cooling trend....al the way down to the upper '80s.......lol. I am on my way to pick up Rachel at her mother's and while I am there get my head shaved again and take a shower. After that we are going to walk to the food store and put together a little picnic lunch...and sit on the bench or walk acrosss the street to a little tiny park and eat, (and then go BACK to the food store and get the ice cream for dessert...[Rachel's instructions!!!]...........lol...). I've got the food credit on the card to do this, but no cash, so if we can get a ride we will come back here to the library, if not, we will just take a walk home the long way around her neighborhood.

Yesterday, there was absolutely nothing of any special interest to comment on. A typical 'heat avoidance' day. I went past Monkee's real early to pick up a couple day's of my meds, the hit the coffee shop and ate , drank, read, talked to Rachel on the phone, and watched videos until I caught the bus back to the shed at 11:40 pm. Lost a buck at Keno and went to sleep.

I'll be back later if anything exciting happens or tomorrow if not.........

..........Dave

"Hot Time...Summer In The City............"

Good Morning;

It's 10:00 am. and 88 degrees already, it's gonna be a scorcher. On days like this I purposely try to limit any unnecessary travel, since very few of the bus stops are in the shade and not only do I want to avoid heat stroke, but the sporadic accessibility to shower facilities must also be considered.

(I'm going to get on my soapbox for a minute here and rant about one of my pet peeves...."The Wonderful World Of Personal Hygiene"..........or.........."Introduction To Deodorants 101"......as I sit here trying to breathe shallowly through my mouth so I do not vomit, because the reek on the man next to me at the computer is actually visible, I am amazed at the amount of total lack of concern that some people display about the way they smell..strike that...stink!!! I mean holy f*ckin' sh*t, I'm living on the street, sleeping on the damn ground in a poorly ventilated shed that reached 110 degrees yesterday before I opened the door and flapped a blanket to fan it out as much as possible. I do my morning ablutions in a restroom at the Giant or the coffeeshop, and bathe and do my laundry when and where I can.......and I still manage to stay, I consider, reasonably clean, if not 'morning Fresh', [and even when I think I am offensive, others tell me I am fine and express wonder at how clean I stay]. Some of these walking hunks of Limburger Cheese are wearing expensive clothes, getting out of upscale air conditioned automobiles, and the only time they spend outdoors is the time it takes to walk from their air conditioned homes and offices to their cars, and back. I am not talking about people who are working up a sweat at their jobs or the gym, etc. With some of them it is ethnic or cultural, and even though I am nauseated by their odor, I can understand the cultural shift and shock faced by the immigrant. But jeez, middle and upper class Americans, who grew up here, are familiar with customs and mor`es of our society. (I know that some people are trying to live 'natural' (and I personally know of quite a few) and refrain from using chemicals, but these folks wash their bodies regularly, and often. It's the clueless and cruddy that really set me off..... imagine being jammed together on a train or a bus, with one...or worse having someone whose aroma.... makes being stuck in traffic on a hot day behind a garbage truck, and your windows are stuck open and your A/C is broken...seem like a breath of fresh ocean air...sitting down next to you in a restaurant, just as you are putting a forkful of food in your mouth. okay, now that you have stopped gagging......do you see my point?............NOW..I am on a third computer so far this morning, and the person next to me keeps turning his head to stare at me for some reason, and this "mouth breather"...[and I use the term in both the figurative and literal sense] is not only giving me the benefit of the results of his wonderful oral hygiene and gum care program....{I'll leave the state of his teeth to your creative sensibilities}, but also his visual and aromatic display of the after affects of multiple means of tobacco intake......lovely.

Watch this...............sshhhhh....

!!!!?!?!?WHAT?!?!?!!!!...

[..that's better, he's very, very focused on his own screen now..........lol.]

I now return you back to my rant, which is already in progress........Hey guess what, I can mange to carry around a toothbrush and toothpaste and deodorant and soap from the dollar store!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The least these morons could do would be to take the 'Little Tree' air freshener from the rear view mirror, tie it around their necks and walk around ringing a bell and intoning..."unclean...unclean...."........OR......and I realize this may be a radical idea to some.....TAKE A FRIGGIN' BATH!!!!..........LOL!!)

Okay, I feel better.......

Just a quick review of my Saturday and Sunday. I made it to the Starbucks around 5:00 pm. or so when I left here, after watching Jimmy Stewart in "Harvey", what a great film!

{Elwood P. Dowd is my new hero.....I'd love to meet him an Harvey at Charlie's for a martini....I want a pooka too!!!}

But I settled for coffee that day, ( and it never even got to be "Miller Time" either ),

Janis stopped by as I was sitting ouside after they closed, and we talked for a while, then I caught the bus to the gas station and the shed.

Sunday I went up to the coffeeshop around 10:30 am., and it got to be so hot I told Rachel we would go out another day this week when it cooled off. I spent the day eating and reading my book and the Sunday Paper..( that now takes about 13 minutes), and doing the crosswords until Nathan walked in. It is always a pleasure to talk with him, we tend to see the same irony and black humor in the daily idocy reported on in the paper. As he was leaving Olga came in and told me all about her lousy time in Miami with her "new ex boyfriend"...lol....and I gave her a lift with a kind of sweet and corny sentiment that I had written for her and then went to the English to Ukranian translation website and put in her native language (and cyrillic alphabet, so I was not real sure of the syntax of the translation, it turns out that it was very literal, but not in a proper form, FYI...if you use any of these sites, most of them are what are called "machine translations", not colloquial....), it was pretty much correct, enough so that she smiled and blushed and hugged me......lol! She left (her 18 year old son walked home from the gym, instead of waiting for her..and of course he then realized that he did nit have the keys to the house............lol.... and came back near closing and we sat outside with some other regulars, and she went off to the movies with one of the guys...............SIGH.........it must be my latent lesbian tendencies that makes me such a good [girl]friend,....always a bridesmaid.....never a bride. As I was sitting there enveloped in an aura of sweet melancholy, reaching for the phone to call her, my other new 'non-romantic love interest', Janis, pulls up. (This proves that there obviously is a God.......I just don't see 'Intelligent Design' being programmed with such an ironic sense of humor!!!.............lol! Well 35 minutes after she said she could only stay for a minute, she left and I wandered over to the bus stop. The cop who had been sitting across the parking lot on and off most of the night stopped and asked me if I had to schedule appointments at the table or did I allow walk-ups too. [There had been 3 other girls/women (one singly and two others with friends) who had sat down at the table next to me and we ended up in conversations]................LOL. The bus came, I played my Keno at the gas station, (lost $2.00 this time, but it took 30 minutes of play), and I went and aired out the shed as much as I could. I read for a while and went to sleep about 1:00 am. Not 30 minute later I was awakened by the forklift and the shouting of the workers from the Giant construction crew picking up supplies from the lot next to me. After the forklift was done, about 45 minutes later, some of the crew, (or should I say "crude") were hiding out avoiding work until after 4:45, cursing and laughing at the top of their lungs....need I say it was not a restful night. I got uo with a back ache and a head ache, went to the Giant to change and wash...and here I am......................see you later....Dave

"On The Beach.................Please????........"

HEY!!!

Whoever has been checking in since August 1st from the Outer Banks..(Nags Head...Kill Devil Hills), got a place for me to stay and a job down there?? I know I can come up with bus fare..............seriously!!!.....write me...........Dave

"The Human Body Is 74% Salt Water............or..........I Wanna Go To The Beach!!!!!!!....."

Good Afternoon;

Another Saturday.........yawn.

As I was leaving here yesterday I sent an e-mail to my new friend Janis, telling her I was going to the coffee shop if she was going to be out and about. She called me right away, even before I got out of the library, and said she would see me around 6:00 pm. or so after she was done babysitting her grand baby while her son and his wife went to shop for a car. I was pretty thrilled that she was coming up, and that she had read my poems and wanted to return my master copy. Well they (the kids) ended up buying a car and did not get back until near 10:00 pm., and she did not have my phone number with her, I kind of figured that something of that nature had happened, so I was only slighty disappointed, not really let down. As I was in the Giant about 10:00 pm. she called and explained and asked if I was in the 'shed' yet I told her no, I'd be sitting in front of the Starbucks until about 11:40 pm. when the bus showed up. She came up just for a 'minute' to drop off the poetry, and 40 minutes..(lol).. later she left. I sat there and had a "Sushi Tuna Steak" sandwich..( with discount card and price reduction, the fresh tuna steak, studded with cracked pepppercorns was only $1.75, can't beat that price!!!), then caught the bus down to the gas station. I played my $1.00 worth of Keno, winning a dollar or two each time and replaying that, until I lost, took my initial $1.00 and went to bed. I woke up around 4:00 am. and could not get back to sleep, until 7:30 am., woke up around 9:00 am. and wnt to the Giant to get something for breakfast.....and here I am at the library.

I don't know what I am going to do today, I'm feeling kind of 'CONFUCKTED today.

What I really need is an immersion in salt water and to walk on the sand, the beach, in other words. I need to rejuvenate, if not at the ocean, then at least at the bay. I tried to figure out if there was a way to Sandy Point State Park by bus, but I cannot get ahold of correct Anne Arundel County bus information. I'm about ready to 'liberate' a car that I know will not be missed, and have it back before the guy gets home on Monday..........(LOL...maybe??).....
I'll be here for a bit, then who knows where, I feel a bit flaky today, torn between the desire for company, and the want of companionship, and the ache and yearning NEED of intimate human contact;.....and the knee jerk reaction that lonelyness can cause, resulting in a self imposed isolationism.(ie...if I cannot have someone to hold and to hold me....screw it, and FTW). I don't even have a 'Cheers' type local bar anymore, where I could go to get either looped or 'lucky'.....

Well, I'm out of here for now, unless I get bitten on the ass by my muse, before 5:30 pm. today....I'll see you on Monday.

I think I am going out with Rachel, somewhere, to do something, on Sunday, luckily she can be a cheap date, and everything we do is fun!!

Anybody who wants to call me today or tonight, I'd welcome the contact, and maybe we can get together. Right now, it is 1:44 pm. and it is Miller Time!!!, (or the affordable generic alternative)!!

Of course it may be wrapped in a paper bag while relaxing on a park bench,(at least I'm not standing in an alley............LOL)...The bars around here are out of their 'effin' minds when it comes to prices, and I do not feel like going across town.

See you all later........Dave

"Random Thoughts.......Random Acts.........."

Good Morning;

I just left Rachel and her mom at the Giant, I met them while they were shopping and surprised her. She is now on this 'riding a make believe horse' kick and wanted to know what color the horse should be and what color saddle it should have..etc..etc... What an imagination!

Her mom was doing the Shabbos shopping and I had made a deal that she could use my card and trade me cash for 75 cents on the dollar. When we got to the checkout, she told me that her "friend" said that they should just do it dollar for dollar, that was a real nice gesture.

Speaking of nice gestures, I just got a batch of RAKtrak cards in the mail, they are a neat way of tracking Random Acts of Kindnesses, when some one does something unexpected, out of the blue, and/or over and above, for you, pass on this card to them and log on to www.Raktrak.com and using the cards number, tell about the act you were a recipient of, and where. When the person who did the good deed themselves receives a RAK in turn, they pass on the card, logging the act and place, etc..etc.., like the "Where's George" dollar bills,. When you log on and check the "kindness track" by card number, you can follow a trail of RAKs, across the city, country, and sometimes world. It basically does on a larger scale , what I started doing in this blog, recognizing and appreciating all the folks out there.

On the other end of the spectrum, confusion and incompetence reign supreme....

I recieved a letter last week from DHMH, stating that since I did not complete and return an application, my health care would be terminated on 08/31/09, well when I went to renew my prescription in July, my health care was not active, AND I never received any notifications or applications. Today I get a letter from DHMH stating that my request for the PAC (bottom level, minimum coverage)plan health care was denied because I already have active Medical Assistance, (full coverage).????????? WTF??? BACK!! down to D.S.S again on Monday to try to figure out just what is happening..Just what do I have, what does it cover? If I do have the M.A., I can get treated for the Hepatitis C, and the back and spine issues, and get my meds........not to mention the psychotic..I mean psychiatric concerns.......lol!

Corporate Hypocrisy At Work;

Starbucks has all these posters about programs helping small third world farmers, and fair trade, and AIDS in Africa, and reducing greenhouse gasses by promoting shade grown coffees, and saving the rainforest, BUT they throw away up to a hundred dollars a day of food,(times how many thousand stores), and the plastic packaging involved, every day, instead of actively locating food banks or shelters or some sort of central clearing house type organization to pick up and distribute the items. The really bothersome part of this is that the food is perfectly good for 2 or 3 days, but in the name of 'freshness' (read sale propaganda), it is dumped daily. The worst part of this is that some of the employees start marking out the items at 5:00 or 6:00 pm., (when the store is open for another 3 or 4 hours), for their convenience. Thee is also policy to dump pastries construed as 'breakfast items' as early as noon, what?, people do not eat muffins in the afternoon or evening???? Sometimes I was able to get some or all of these items, depending on who was working, if they wanted any, and the mood of the person I asked. Now it is not allowed, (whether it is just me and I offended mgmt. in some way or not, or everyone, I do not know, and it is beside the point), I have just been observing all the pettiness of the corporation. Okay.....done.

I'm going to go have a cup of coffee anyway.....I'll see you all later...Dave.

"Fountain of Youth................"

Good Evening;

It was a pretty damn good day today!...for a change!

The 'ex' called and picked me up around 9:15 am this morning and I went and had coffee, washed clothes and showered. Then she dropped Rachel and I off at the Metro, and we went down to Harborplace to ride thae carousel...again...and then spent around 3 hours playing in the Walter Sondheim Memorial Childrens Fountain. Aftera break for ice cream cones, we went back to the carousel...again...then stopped at Mickey D's for dinner and went back to Milford Mill on the Metro, where her mother picked us up, (and she had another dinner..and dessert, of course). I gathered up my dry clothes and caught a ride to the bus stop...and here I am at the library.

It looks like a 'No Starbucks Day', unless I decide to get there 10 minutes before closing and just sit at the tables outside for a couple of hours to kill time until it is cool enough to go lay down.

As of this point, it has been a wonderfully, peacefully, non-dramatic day, knock on pressed particle board...........lol.

The only stress points have been the conditions that Rachel is living in, that I feel are not up to the standards I believe she deserves, and are on the verge of unsanitary and unhygenic, but I kept my mouth closed except to politely and firmly express my displeasure at the fact that Rachel has been sleeping without sheets or a pillow case and that it is neither fair to her or healthy. I asked that she put sheets and a pillow case on the bed, and she said she would..(the 'ex').. I am going to call again tonight and stop by tomorrow to check.

(And I know that you sometimes read this blog, but I am not going to censor my thoughts or feelings, OR use this as a forum to leverage you to act, I write what I want, when I have the need to, for whatever reason. At least at this time.)

That is about it for now.

I ask you say a prayer for my friend Michelle, she just lost her Mom to Breast Cancer last week,.......if you can, send a donation to the Susan G. Komen fund or a similar 'pink ribbon' organization.

later..........Dave

"Heat Waves...........and ...........Brain Waves.........."

Good Evening;

It is just too damn hot out!!!

It is Tuesday evening and Rachel was just picked up by her mom. We hung out today, starting at the Starbucks and then taking the bus and Metro down to the Inner Harbor. She had her first..(of many, I had to drag her away....LOL), merry-go-round ride at the carousel at the West side of the harbor,by Rash Field, and we watched the kids playing in the new fountain next to the Visitor's Center that was designed for that very purpose. I had forgotten that it was opened, so we had no towels or changes of clothes, so we are going back tomorrow to run through it for a few hours. We stopped at the Pikes Diner, aka "the Betty Boop Ice Cream place" as she calls it, (stop in there, you will see why), and then here to the library. We were supposed to go out Sunday afternoon, but she had been over her grandmother's all weekend at the pool and staying up late, and had a minor meltdown, and did not want to stay with me when she came to the coffeeshop, ( she was fine after a good nights sleep), and even though I understood, it was a big letdown.

I met up with a new friend later that night, for the first time since we had met at the coffeeshop last week. We had been exchanging e-mails and phone calls all week, and had really seemed to connect. It is such a "thrill-joy-relief-pleasure", (e.-all of the above) to finally meet someone who can comprehend and understand some of the issues I am dealing with, and who truly 'gets it'...but who is not in the same situation, or has the same demons. Sympathy and empathy are wonderful, and those who have given me their support and helped me are appreciated, but up until this point, the only ones who actually understood some of the convoluted reasoning behind some of my decisions, and the basis for some of my fears, have been other addicts.

The term "soulmate" is usually used in a romantic context, but the original meaning has to do with more of an 'extra-psychic' connection, where words are only one vector path of communication, and an unexplainable, almost instant instinctive-intuitive understanding develops......(Think back to those deep and searching nights of philosophizing back in college..but without the pot, mushrooms,acid...etc.,............LOL). For the first time in a long time, I went to sleep in a state of, call it 'relaxed-relief', for want of a better term. Fellow travelers and kindred souls can ease the journeys torments through common experiences and shared fears,.....but finding the outsider who can see past the facade and reach through the self erected barriers to bring light to the dark places of the soul.........well, there are a few sports analogies that are often used to express long odds, such as, in baseball-the Washington Nationals winning the World Series,...in boxing-betting on the white guy,...and trying to fill an inside straight in poker,......in comparison....these are sure things!

Anyway, in other trivia, the Keno gods came through again..Twice!...on Saturday night I had a bad case of 'the curse of Montezuma' and had to run to the gas station and beg CJ to unlock the door so I could use the bathroom. As I went in I said to give me a dollar on a 3 spot, 04/05/13, and when I came out, it turns out that my last dollar got me $25.00..(which is why I was taking Rachel out on Sunday). And on Sunday after Rachel canceled out, I stuck another dollar on the same thing...same result..(but I did not even check the ticket until about 8 hours later...I had forgotten about it when I went down to Monkees to pay her and get my weeks meds.........lol), so I actually ate a real NOT fast food hamburger after my friend left Bateman's on Sunday night when I found the ticket in my pocket.

Monday I slept until 9:00 am., and did not get up til 11:00 am. and finally made it to get my first cup of coffee around 5:00 pm. Nathan stopped in around 7:45 pm. and we both had a much needed 'meeting of the minds'.........( 'guy to guy' version, I do not want to take Anything away from my time with J. on Sunday, on the phone and in person).

I was awakened by all this noise around 3:45 am this morning, it turns out that the Giant is doing a major overhaul of all it meat, fish and deli cases, replacing them outright. They have this huge, but very low profile diesel forklift bringing the old ones out and unloading the new ones from the trucks and placing them on the lot next to where I sleep...between the roaring of the equipment and the shouting of the workers...it scared the piss out of me!....(almost literally, and I could not go outside the shed because I do not wish to reveal/expose my hideaway...........by the time they finally left, my eyeballs were floating.........LOL).

I guess that is all for now, no insights or commentary today, just the play by play.

See you later...Dave

"Saturday In The Park(ing Lot)................"

Good Afternoon;

Well, I feel human again, I showered and shaved at AnnaMarie's last night. Nine days of 85-90 degree heat and humidity can be a bitch, when you are trying to do your best to stay clean by washing up in restrooms. I also ate a meal with a fork that was not a salad, (Mac & Cheese!......from the 'blue box'!..lol). I have been out on the corner twice, since last posting, once only long enough to get $10.00 for meds, and last evening I picked up about $17.00, in an hour, (over a 3 hour period, with a serious thunderstorm rain delay of around 2 hours), and left when I started to feel somewhat paranoid about the cops.

When I got to the Lutherville Light Rail stop, the stream I have to cross was spilling over the stepping stones, and I was trying to figure a way across, when a bunch of teenagers on their way to the O's game came by, half of whom had flip flops on and the rest sneakers, we looked at each other across the stream, and shouted out..'barefoot'.. at the same time.....I guess you had to be there, but it was funny-cute.....lol. Luckily AnnaMarie drove me back, as it was too dark to go stumbling through at night.

the shed had been really hot, but last night was reasonable.

I stopped by the Rachel's this morning, and plan on taking her somewhere..???...on Sunday.

Time is up again, and I am not going to get back on before closing time, so I will be back on Monday, I am heading out to try to grab a few dollars for us tomorrow, and for a new batch of meds on Monday.......see ya.....................Dave

"OOOPS!!.....OR.....If One Does Not Click On The 'Publish' Button.........!"

Good Evening;

Just have a second before close, and I wanted to say Hello and Thank you to an old high school acquaintance who I ran into at the Starbucks last evening...Hi Mark(c?)!!, I'll see you in another 15 years......lol.

As I am walking past he said to me "I know you!", and we went through the what have you been doing...etc.. routine. The funny thing is that this was a repeat of thr last time we saw each other, about 15 so years ago. It turns out that he met up with a mutual high school friend, Wendy, at the 25th reunion, and ended up marrying her...Mazel Tov!! Now, to show how this town gets it's name of "Smalltimore", and to illustrate the "six degrees" phenomena, I did not really know Wendy in high school, but she was seeing a mutual friend in college, and was one of the infamous Catonsville Community College "Out To Lunch Bunch" for a while, of whom my best friend AnnaMarie and I were charter members. And not a week ago she and I were playing the 'whatever happened to' game, and Wendy's name came up. The woman in California Heidi, who found me on Facebook a couple months ago was also a collateral member of the group, and she and her husband also went to high school with us.

Tinytown, Md., USA !!

........outta time....................Dave

"When The Coffee Sticks To The Spoon........It May Be Time To Brew A Fresh Pot........"

Good Morning;

I just woke up, (actually I just got up, I was laying there for about an hour, and wandered in to the Giant to wash up and scrounge a cup of free coffee. They must not have been busy this morning, I think the urn was brewed around 6:00 am., the coffee had the consistency of 90 weight gear oil, (and the taste of ot too..lol). Well, after I signed off here I went to the corner of I-83 where I usually stand and it was infested with young teenagers collecting to send some team some where, I did not get close enough to be able to read all of their signs. I jumped back on the Light Rail and went down to my secondary location between Camden Yards and the Convention Center and collected $10.00 in coins before the increasing police presence (there was a game last evening) and my nerves forced me to leave. I went over to East Baltimore hoping that my friend Barry (who lives right behind Monkee) would have a bupe to sell, and if not I was planning to find Longwind and pay him to get me one. Luckily Barry saw me coming around the corner and had one, so I was able to leave that 'hood' rihjt away, instead of sitting around waiting, and looking like a target, the only slice of Wonderbread in a bakery full of pumpernickel.

I went out to Owings Mills on the Metro and took the bus to the Starbucks and sat with a cup of ice water and read my book, thinking of how to gwt something to eat. When my friend Olga saw me open and eat a packet of sugar in the raw (just to keep my sugar level up), she bought me a sandwich, and when the coffeeshop closed, Courtney gave me one of the markouts. So that was breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the same sitting. As I was sitting there the phone rings and I checked the caller ID, it was Monkee, so I used my last minute to naswer, because she does not call unless it is something imprtant. It turns out that her prescription bottle of buprenorphine "miraculously" reappeared on the night stand, where 3 people had lokked and did not see it...................hmmmmmmm?, so I will be able to get a few, "on the arm" if neccessary, tonight or tomorrow. I left there around 10:25 pm and went to the Popeyes to see if there was any chicken being thrown away, but they had trashed most of it and I ended up with 2 little pieces. I headed back up to Pikesville to go to the gas station to use the bathroom and wash up a little, (and hopefully find one of the regulars who had had a big hit on the Keno or Racetrax lottery and was in a generous mood.........lol......no such luck.........), then hit the Dunkin Donuts dumpster for some thing for breakfast today. I took some of my meds around 11:00, even though I had been feeling lousy all day, and my back was killing me. I wanted to be sure that the methadone was out of my system, or at least at the lowest level possible. The bupe contains another drug called Naloxone, which can cause 'precipitated withdrawal symptons' if there are opiates in the body, or if it is attempted to inject the bupe. I had waited long enough, it was not a problem. The almost immediate relief that this true, (for me and many othe addicts), wonder drug provides is truly a miracle. It really does make me.."Feel Normal". I ended up sitting on the bench outside the FirstWatch Cafe talking to this guy until 3:00 am. (initially because it was too hot in the shed and I left the door open to air it out, but we had a good conversation that took on a life of it's own.

So that's where I am at this point....gotta go try to scrape enough for a cup of real coffee, and maybe some protein too....back later.......Dave

Wise Men Speak Because They Have Something To Say; Fools Because They Have To Say Something. – Plato (427 BC-347 BC)

Good Morning;

I've chosen today's quote as the title because the quote changes each day and does not remain with the post, (they are part of a service, not my choices), and also because it explains, partly why I have not been posting everyday. I am caught between the above sentiment and the proposition..."a writer......writes". If I was starting to see the changes in the content and getting tired of the same old whine, you all must have been also. And I see that the hit counter has reached 2,024 anyway, so I thank you for coming back 'in spite of'.......lol.

So, for now, here is a quick update on the day to day events since Saturday....:

{-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------coffee------------books-------------poverty----------------dvds-------------------------------worry-----------------------depression----------------------dumpster dining---------------------doubt--------------------------------anxiety-----------------------self recrimination----------------------loneliness-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------}

As you can see, it has been a thrilling couple of days, with an abundance of "Same Old, Same Old".

The high point was a phone call that I got Sunday, (and to which I owe a return......) from Janis, the woman I met at the Starbucks last week, we were only able to talk for a few minutes as I was running out of minutes, but it was truly gratifying to get a call from someone, who A) did not want something from me, or B) was not bearing bad news, or C) was 'family'....(my phone does not ring a lot for social calls.....lol). I said I'd call her back if I could scrape up $0.50 cents...and I could not....at this point the depression started kicking in real bad, and I went into a stage of isolation, just sitting in a corner and hiding behind a newspaper or a book, trying not to be noticed or have to acknowledge anyone. I could not even bring my self to go out and panhandle enough to buy some meds, so the anxiety of running out exacerbated everything else. This feeling of ennui has continued through to today, but now I am forced to go uot to the corner because someone stole Monkees's prescription of Buprenorphine, so where I was able to rely on at least a day or two's reprieve, I am now up sh*t's creek, AND this time without a paddle. I found all this out last night when I finally got ahold of her and wanted to come by and pick up a pill, since I had been out of mine since Saturday night, and withdrawal symptoms and the excruciating pain in my back were becoming unbearable. I had planned to try to wean my self and taper off completely, but the cessation was too sudden. I had contacted some folks from the NAABT support group, and they confirmed my suspicions on that fact. I had held on to two 5mg. Methadone for the past 9 months, that some had given me, trading the rest for the bupe on one occasion,. I am so glad I did, now I can at least go out and somehow find some more bupe (God Willing) this afternoon.

I am as close to giving up as I have ever been, when NOT in the grips of the suicidal depression. At this point, it is just getting to be way too much, and way too often that I am seeing a featureless balnk for the future. I've been coasting along eking out a minimally uncomfortable as possible form of survival, wanting more, and fooling myself that things would somehow turnaround, one way or another.

Now I have to wonder if this is all there is ever going to be, and maybe the best it is going to get.

I am going to leave now and try to find a way to get some meds, hopefully I'll be back..................................................Dave

"Hope Is The Thing With Feathers..............."

Good Morning;

As you have most likely noticed, there have been no posts for a few days. I have allowed myself to fall into a routine, a rut actually, that has not been conducive to writing, nor really good for my general health and well being. It also is exacerbating the cycle of depressive eating and the resultant weight gain...etc.,...etc.,...etc.,...........The ONLY good thing about it has been that it is food NOT dope!...(Although,.. the way I look and feel...at this point the "N.A. DIET" sometimes seems an attractive alternative)...(What...[you ask]...is the N.A. Diet?,.....that's where you go out and have a 'controlled relapse', i.e., ....go shoot coke and dope for 90 days until all the excess weight....{and excess money....lol!!} is gone and then go back to the rooms and get clean again........LOL!!!!!)......It works great...IF...you don't OD or go to jail........(HEY>>>LTFU!!!>>>>>>>I'm just joking!)

I have reached a point of 'not so quiet' desperation, circumstances have combined, (and the increasing sense of paranoia that is beginning to go beyond a heightened 'street awareness' defense mechanism, is saying 'conspired'), to place me in a position that I have not been in for a while. When I have said before that I was broke and at rock bottom, there was always SOMETHING that I could look at with some anticipation or reliance on. If one of the D.S.S. programs was expired, cancelled, or more likely, terminated due to the incompetence of some moron in the office or computer center of the department....(and it is not just me here saying this, read all the horror stories in the newspapers over the past year), there was always one of them active, or at least the hope that the pending case in the federal system would be settled at some point. And if push came to shove, I could always go out and panhandle, and to be honest, occasionaly, that paid off pretty well. But now, EVERYTHING is offline with the state and the feds, and no one can tell me why. Only one program (which I take the blame for..I screwed up) is legitimately unrenewed, the rest, are...'missing files', and 'were not responded to'....etc. Which is all bullsh*t, I filed, and got time and date stamped receipts for every piece of paper I ever brought in.

And as for the panhandling, with the anxiety and pressures of the courthouse issues that are plaguing me right now. The stress of looking over my shoulder all the time so as not to attract the unwanted attention of the police, is such that I cannot even stand out on the corner anymore, the physical and mental reactions are that severe and debilitating. (Of course now that I think of it, maybe I should stay out there like that..if I don't get shot or run over, I may get rich...........lol)

(Or go out there first and THEN go to a disability advocacy organization of lawyer, or to those people who are never around when all the screaming in my head starts, and never get to see my "bad days". (Think of it in terms of that annoying problem that you have with your car, it works fine MOST of the time, BUT when the problem appears, it is serious and dangerous and ...'You KNOW it is there!', but everytime you take it to the mechanic, it costs you $250.00 for him to tell you there is nothing wrong, because the symptom did not occur at that time!!! Now extrapolate that to my mind and my body, and you can maybe understand some of my frustrations with some people.) It took me 8 years to finally get a doctor to admit that 'Yes, there is some sort of anomaly in your back, perhaps we should do some further tests at a deeper level."..actual quote.., and that for something that can be seen on film....how long will it take to............nevermind.............if I go on I'm just going to lose it.

I'm babbling, sorry..I had someone here at the library set me off with their comments.

So, the past few days....I never made it to AnnaMarie's on Tuesday, I can't remember why, but I did go out there Wednesday evening, and got a shower and my laundry.

I also met couple of very nice people, Janis and Claudette, at the Starbucks, and had some lovely conversation for at least 30 minutes standing there while my freshly poured coffee got stone cold, because every time I started to walk away and go sit down, a new thread of conversation started up....I love meeting new folks that way. I had seen Claudette at the Pikesville coffeeshop on many occasions and other than nodding hello and smiling had not met her (and even though I was captivated by her smile and her style, could not think of a way to 'break the ice', [and as you know I don't like to seem to be 'coming on' to someone.]),. Well in this instance the tattoo on my right calf was the ice breaker. Janis (I think.....damn this short term memory loss*...........lol), asked me what it meant, and I told them...(oh yeah, you all cannot see it, it is the the two character Japanese kanji for HOPE, (it actually may be the verb 'to hope', but no matter, either way it conveys the same message), and Claudette...(see [*] above...lol), asked, 'And how is that working for you?'. The conversation grew wings from that point and flew. I mentioned my blog and my situation, and gave them the URL. Janis read some of it and sent me a very nice e-mail, and has some ideas to share with me about how I may be able to make some money, as soon as I can scrape up $0.50...yes it is that bad...for a phone call, I'll call.

Thursday was spent burning up my cell phone minutes with D.S.S., (and I could not hang up and use the pay phone...once you do...forget it, you'll never get an answer......and this time THEY had called me, so I was stuck.........and of course I have to go in on Monday...AND!!??!!??....Tuesday. I did not go to the coffee shop until almost 1:00 pm on Thursday because I had to go past Monkee's to pick up a 'bupe',...for some reason it was severely affected by the humidity and had started to melt/dissolve, (it is a sublingual, so it's more sensitive than a pill that is swallowed), and I was only able to salvage half of it.

That evening as I was stopping by the bathroom at the gas station, as I walked past the payphone I slipped and stumbled trying to avoid a large puddle..(it rained like the Deluge both that morning and that night as I was getting on/off the bus), and I grabbed the phone and slammed into it trying not to fall. I heard a jingle..jingle.(again), and there was a dollar in dimes spilled all over the place. I had no cash so WTF, I put it on the Keno, and kept winning $1.00 over and over for about 14 games, on the last game I won $2.00, so I quit with that as coffee money for the morning.

On Friday I awoke with extreme back pain, numbness in my arms and legs, and was not able to get up right away, so I did not get to the Giant to wash up until after 9:40 am. and to the Starbucks after 11:30 am.

I left there around 3:30 pm. with the intention of trying to hit the corner, and the aforementioned issues whirling around in my head, but I needed to get some money for Monkee, to keep my credit and good faith in good stead. And for my own peace of mind, to do the right thing and attempt to acquire some money. I was on the bus to the Metro, when I was overcome by another anxiety attack, and I started feeling sick, (and as a result of the anticipation of the consequences of not getting my meds....began to fall into the psychosomatic trap of worrying about getiing 'ill'...........it's a good 'negative reinforcement' technique for staying clean...which IS priority number one,..maybe, it sure ain't no fun........LOL), I made a phone call with nearly the last of my minutes, and arranged to borrow $10.00 from Neil, I have tried to keep my borrowing at a minimum, and only when I KNOW I am getting cash at a certain date, but........at least now I have some leeway with the meds and a couple days of grace, maybe I can get out this afternoon, or on Sunday morning and hustle up some cash.

I am out of time and I need to get some coffee in my system, and some food..(from the "Dunkin Dumpster"!!)............I guess I'll see you Monday.....I'm going to try to change my morning pattern......

...........Dave

"Escape From Artscape...........Just In The Nick Of Time!........"

Good Morning;

The stress, the heat, the worry, the sheer physical exhaustion caught up with me yesterday (Monday). I crawled into the shed around 12.00 am. midnight Sunday/Monday and did not get up until almost 11.00 am. Monday, waking only once to get up and pee around 4.00 am. It took me about 30 minutes to get up and by the time I went into the Giant to wash up and buy some food, it was after 12.30 pm. before I caught the bus to the coffee shop and put some caffeine in my system. I was beat!

Rachel and I had went to Artscape Sunday afternoon and spent about 4 and 1/2 hours there, mostly in the Target Family ArtPark, where all the booths and sponsors had some sort of craft or hands on activity going on. The Baltimore Youth Orchestra booth had a trumpet, trombone, tuba, violin, and cello that people/kids could try, Rachel did all of them except the tuba, and actually got a sound out of both of the brass, she was so funny working the valves on the trumpet. She made spin art, (I can't remember how much money I spent in Ocean City as a kid on spin art on the Boardwalk....lol.), she made animals for the totem pole out of strawberry boxes and feathers and bottle caps...etc., and all sorts of other things. We walked a bit up Mt Royal Ave. but the crowds were building for the evening concerts, and the Sun had come out and it was getting really hot, so we got back on the train and went out to the BaskinRobins by "our" Starbucks as she calls it, and she finally fell asleep in my arms waiting for her mother to come pick her up. We had started there at 10.30 am. that morning and played for a while and had Lunchables and chocolate milk for lunch before we went in town, she beat me at checkers, twice!

I was trying all Saturday to trade my food credits for cash, with no luck, and was starting to stress out big time about whether I'd have enough money to take her out. On Saturday night as I stopped by the gas station I used the payphone to call a 1-800- number, and when I hung up I heard a jingle jingle from the coin box, and there was $0.95 spilling out! I took a nickel and made a Keno bet, won $2.00, played it back and left with $20.00!!! Then Nathan and Kaitlin came in to Starbucks in the morning and I asked him if he needed any grocery shopping done, and they said they had just went, but as he was leaving he slipped me $11.00 and said it was Rachel and I to enjoy. I was able to have great day with Rachel, with no money worries or med worries...Thanks!!

Then on Sunday night before I started my Rip Van Winkle marathon sleep..( hey in a bed it is not such a big deal....on 3 inches of cardboard on the ground ...it is......lol)...I stopped in at the gas station, played my $1.00 on my regular numbers..Rachel's birthday 05/13/04.. and on a hunch played a 7 spot with my birthday and age too 02/26/56/53/05/13/04...and for some reason the super bonus too, well I got 5 out of 7, and 4-5-13 were 3 of the 7 so both tickets hit, with a 3x bonus, so that was $70.00!!

Of which I went and paid $45.00 out for legitimate expenses...earlier than I had promised, and then actually had food that was NOT between two pieces of bread for a change!!!.....lol!

Now I have to go get some coffee in me because I again slept fairly late, (it was after 9:00 am, and hit the Giant and the Library first. After I eat and drink some coffee, I have to call AnnaMarie and go out and pick up my laundry that I left there, I don't think I can shower there so that is my main priority, finding a place REAL, REAL!!! SOON!!!!!...it is pretty humid out and I'm feeling ripe...LOL.

I'll be back later.....Dave.

And don't worry....I've got some bitching to do too.......LOL!

"Numbers.................."

Hello again;

I just noticed that there have been 1,949 visitors to this site and that I have made 227 posts........................ for some reason this does not fill me with the same sense of enthusiam and wonder it once would of. Am I just tired..................or bored...................or jaded? Shoud I give it up and quit?

I seem to have lost most of my motivation and purpose.

Ennui and Mood Swings have got me more confused than usual, I've got to get out of this rut...............Dave

"Open Mouth..............Insert Foot?????........."

Good Afternoon;

Well I'm back and I did it again,

I was reading the blog of someone who I know, who read my blog and has met me a couple times, and whom I feel a certain kinship through some similar circumstances.

I really should have a delay function between the send button and the mouse...I tend to let my emotions and feelings drive the bus, while logic, reason, and common sense are all sleeping in the back seats. The same way I write this blog...as in.."Edit,,,I don't need no stinking Edit!!!!!"...poof!!!! it's published.

But...even though wearing your heart on your sleeve can lead to bruises, scratches, scars, lacerations, blunt force trauma, slices..dices..stabbings, contusions (and confusions), and even the occasional bite mark........I wouldn't have it any other way.

While preserving the anonymity of the recipient, and the initial inspiration, of the e-mail...here is what

LONELINESS!! and emptiness, and can make you say, if your heart and soul are directly connected to your keyboard.............(LOL):

"" When I read your blog, sometimes I cringe and cup my hands over my privates in fear of verbal castration, at other times I think 'what jerks these men are, and why do you always end up with such wackos?' And sometimes I allow my self to dream that if only I had the chance, maybe I could, in my own fashion, bring you the physical saisfaction, and possibly even pleasure you are seeking, in exchange for the intimacy and affection I am slowly but surely dying due to lack of.

Then I read Friday's post...11 little words that struck home and pierced me in the heart like a dagger made of ice, deadly yet numbing.
Call it empathy, sympathy, compassion, a feeling for the underdog, my own personal Christ complex...( where one wants to save the world, but can't save oneself), the common bond of a shared illness, or just one lost soul reaching out to touch another....
Hell, I don't know......., I don't even know exactly what I want, or, am trying to say, but your words touch and move me, and although we have only met twice and exchanged half a dozen or so e-mails...I like you, and feel for you.
You know my situation, and that I have absolutely nothing to offer, and you also know that I have nothing to lose or gain, intrinsically, which frees me to say things which I would never be able to in a normal social situation.
That being said, I am so, so, so, familiar with the concept of "lonely unto death", if you ever get to the point where the pain is too great to bear alone, I make no promises, but offer the hope that maybe 'a burden shared is a burden lessened', and that intimacy, with or without intercourse, will make the darkness a little lighter. I have only an imperfect body and a damaged but caring soul, and a scarred but still beating and loving, despite it all, heart to offer, if needed or wanted, and in exchange, as pathetic as it may sound or be, all I ask is some affection, some physical contact, someone to hold me, and simply be nice to me, and be there when I awake.........anything else is your call, and if I am a 'wimp' for removing sex from MY side of the table, so be it. Call it courtesy, call it non-agressiveness, call it fear of rejection, just don't call it lack of interest.
And if I have been too open, I apologize, and ask for your pardon, but hell I'm lonely too.
................Dave ""

OKAY.......................

I'm not exactly sure why I needed to share this, maybe subconsciously I figured that if I posted it for perusal and psychoanalysis, "Anonymous" would not take off running for the hills. Hell, I cannot afford to lose any more female friends just because they don't know how or are afraid to react to my overt emotional honesty, but what the hell we are posting raw emotion in a public forum, (she with a greater degree of remove than I, so their will be no hints or intimations of identity by me in this case), so I feel some justification.

I still need coffee, so........I'll see you all later, and if anyone wants to trade, lend, or donate some cash, so I can take Rachel out Sunday.............You know where to find me, and for those who are asking................"No, at this point I have neither pride nor shame left, I'll ask for, and take what I can get, and be grateful. I just won't solicit anywhere that would be 'off limits' as to my sense of propriety or other's privacy.......aka.."don't shit where you eat"....................................Dave

"...'And For The Rich People.....You Sing....'.............OR..."It's A Bird...It's A Plane....It's....................A BIRD!!!!!"

Good Morning;

Well it's a lovely Saturday morning and things are only moderately crappy, for me that is a GOOD day recently...........lol!

If you remember, I signed off on Wednesday with plans to take Rachel out for the day....THAT got shot to hell, and since SH*T rolls downhill the resulting avalanche of negative (though minor) consequences piled up and really screwed me up monetarily..(not that my financial situation requires more than the energy contained in one good fart to cause it to swirl and flush, subsequently taking all plans and schedules down the drain)..and emotionally, which sent all the good feelings and anticipation that I had had backing up inside of me right down the commode, like just another Deposit in The Bank Of Back River! ( Sorry about the scatological references.......I guess it's a case of diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain........lol).

As I was saying, I called to see when the 'EX' was dropping Rachel off and she tells me 'it's a "screwy" day' and she would not drop her off, and I had to let her know right then when I would be taking her....Saturday or Sunday, and she would let me know if it fit their schedule......by TEXT msg. , no less!!, after I had called and she did not answer the phone and was forced to text her to get a response.

I'll leave that right there for now, because my blood pressure is high for some reason this morning, and I really don't want to have my brain explode.......yet...(LOL).

Well, I had a bus pass for Rachel, and a set tickets to an 'event' in town..(I'm currently working on trying to refund or exchange the tix, so I can't elaborate on what), and some free passes, (Thursday only) for the Water Taxi, and enough cash for lunch and a treat, and meds for Thursday. I also had an arrangement to do some work on Sunday morning, and get paid that afternoon.

Now, everything is in disarray, and because of priorities vs. supply and demand, my meds are adequate for the next week, but I had to spend what cash I had on them; I have MY bus pass, I have food and ($50.00 on my card I need to trade for cash, but the folks who usually help me out are either away, cash poor themselves, or we keep mis-connecting),I have clean laundry at AnnaMarie's that I have to travel out there to collect, and Rachel is coming to meet me at the Starbucks on Sunday morning, and I have no cash for her.

We always have a good time no matter what we do or where, and I can use my card at the Giant to get her Lunchables and ice cream....but....I wanted to go out somewhere with her.

I could/may? go out to the corner and see if I can raise some cash today, but it is Artscape weekend and the cops will probably be all over the place, (and making sure that there are no visible signs of the homeless population, which has a fairly large contingent in the area of the festival normally), and with my legal complications and the recent stress induced medical incidents, I don't know whether it's such a good idea...on many levels.

I saw Ted at the Starbucks yesterday, and he handed me a $10.00 and said to go try my luck at the Keno, after agonizing over it for a couple hours, thinking about if I should try to gain some more money or take what I had, (combined with what Tony gave me), and guarantee a weeks supply of bupe. I finally bought $3.00 worth of Keno, won $4.00, bought another $1.00, won $2.00....and kept playing that $1.00 up and down for an hour. I gave it up and took the big One Dollar!!! winnings, then went and got my meds. Believe it or not, I CAN be conservative with money at times, and THE!! main priority IS..."NOT SHOOTING DOPE!!!!".

So..............I'm sitting here with no coffee in me, (which is probably why I am some what rambling and incoherent...[more than usual]...today). I have enough cash for my starter cup of coffee, and I am going to the Giant to see what is on the 'day old' reduced rack at the bakery, and buy whatever has $2.00 off and get 2 Keno tickets, and then going to the Starbucks to eat and shave. I'll take the cash situation from there, either trying to trade some credit or just going out to beg.

At some point I have to contact AnnaMarie and head out to Lutherville to pick up the clean clothes that had not finished drying the other day, possibly getting a shower too. I need to acquire $30.00 for tomorrow, and if I can get more, I think I am going to have a cold beer this afternoon or this evening, it just feels like a 'Beer Day' outside. (If we go to Artscape tomorrow, a possibility, but I'm not real comfortable with the thought of all those people at the moment...[residual paranoia and agoraphobia from the other night's panic attack??...my stomach and back muscles are still sore and knotted]...I could always buy a beer there, but that would use up the whole $30.00......lol!......{if I get any money}).

Babbling again...........please insert IV of coffee now.

The library closes at 5:30 pm. today.. I may be back, if not see you Monday, or if you are in the area, come see Rachel and I at the coffee shop at St. Thomas around 10:30 am. or so on Sunday, at this point I am unsure how long we will be there, but we should be there at least an hour, call if you've got my phone number...."YOU KNOW who YOU are!!!!"..........(LOL)

Time to answer E-Mails, Facebook, and check out another couple blogs.......'misery loves company'..............lol!!!

Later.........Dave

"STRESS = When Your Body Wants To Choke The Sh*t Out Of Something.....And Your Mind WONT"T LET YOU!!!!!!!....."

Hello;

Yeah..........Back Again!!

I just called the 'EX' and told her I was going to be taking Rachel out tomorrow, (and it has been almost 2 weeks since we were together, and although she promises to have her call me at bedtime when she is being tucked in everynight, it only happens about 1 night in 5, and there is always some lame excuse, or she 'forgets', yeah right.........lazy is lazy), and she says.."I don't know that that will will work", because Larry's (the live in boyfriend.....[can you say 'adultery' ..boys and girls]..) parents are coming in town nd they have to pick them up at the airport. Well..screw that, I am seeing my daughter tomorrow, and they can work around my schedule, she has the car, and could have met me as I asked any time at the Starbucks with Rachel, but I allowed her the courtesy of me not pressing the matter, because her stepfather's mother had passed away, and things were hectic, even though where she was going back and forth to was only 3 minutes away from where I was. NOT THIS TIME!! A Childs's Father..vs.. the boyfriend's parents??? No Contest! I've not been pressing the issue, but my daughter is always asking me to come over and see this and that at the house, and again, so as not to cause tension with the EX, I stay away, except when I have to. But this is the last straw, maybe I should show up every night at Rachel's bedtime to say goodnight, if she can't (her mother) get her ass together and make a 2 minute phone call!!

All this and health and mental health issues too........ain't life just effin' peachy?

I'm gonna go look for book, if I think of any more fun items.....

"Ah'll Be Bahck!!".....as Arnold would say.........

.........Dave

"Out Of The Blue..................."

Good Evening;

Well as per usual life is just like a Tilt-A-Whirl ride at the carnival, I keep spinning around in circles while being violently thrown from side to side, and am allowed, nay, Required! to pay for the privilege.....LOL

I was supposed to be with Jonathan from the Starbucks, in a Chick-Fil-A parking lot in Elkton Md. at this time,(Wed.) waiting for the grand opening tomorrow morning so as to be able to score a years worth of meals. It is reputed a fun party, with people following the openings like the Deadheads follow the Grateful Dead. Chic-Fil-A feeds and waters the crowd and if you are one of the first 100 to sign in, and do not leave the parking lot..you win. BUT....at 9:30 last night (Tue.), after leaving Annamarie's where I had just taken the first shower in 12 days...(THAT'S why you such low water pressure for an hour last night....lol), I was on the platform at the Lutherville Light Rail and had the 2nd ever Panic attack in my life, let me tell you..it was really scary, and I never want to experience that again!! If you have never had one..BE GLAD!!!, if you have..then you know where I am coming from. The uncontrollable shakes, the paranoia, the diarrhea, the vomiting...etc., etc., ....etc.

I was barely able to call Jon, and cancel out before I ended up crouched, hiding behind the Ticket Vending Machine. A pschyiatric nurse getting off duty from Shephard Pratt Hospital, came over and saw me, knew exactly what was going on, and helped me through the worst of it. After I stabilized a bit, I went back to Pikesville, via the train, and the train, then the bus, the hour and a half or so of travel time seemed to help also. Talking with some people in the medical field, I have placed the trigger on the stress of worrying about whether I would have enough meds to be able to go away, and whether I could find some more when I returned...and the fact of being totally broke, and having no luck getting immediate health coverage returned, after the D.S.S. screwup. (And other matters on which I choose not to elaborate at this time in this forum).

I scraped to gether my morning coffee cash and went to the Starbucks this morning late, (after 9:00 am.), and 3 people either asked me if I was sick or "what's wrong", I must have looked like hell. I was praying to myself..(well not to "MYSELF", but you know what I mean...LOL), for help to find a way to get some money to go find someone to get me some bupe, (I had taken the last piece this morning, so I was okay for about 24 hours), when Tony from L'il Tony's Pizza and Pasta in Owings Mills and his girlfriend stopped in for their daily dose of caffeine. We talk every day, and he once gave me Starbucks gift card, but I do not expound on my troubles to him, and generally focus on upbeat and positive conversation, As he was leaving, he walked back over to me and hands me a couple of crumpled up bills, and says, "Here Dave, This is for next month, take care of yourself"...out of nowhere, with no solicitation of mention of last night's episode!! I thanked him and put it away in my bag without looking at it......when I opened them up later..it was 2 $20.00 bills!!, call it miracle, call it coincidence...??? All I know is that my stress level and blood pressure both dropped double digits! Then when I could not get ahold of Monkee, and Longwind's phone was cut off and I headed down to his house and he was out of town, and I start stressing AGAIN.....I run into an old friend and drug buddy/runner who is now on the Methadone program, but had one bupe that he would sell me......again, relief just flooded my system........If this is God's way of telling me that keeping focused on not going back to dope is a "good thing".....I GET THE MESSAGE!!!.....ENOUGH WITH THE OBJECT LESSONS!!!..........(LOL).

I'm Outta Time......Dave

"Life On $1.47 A Day + Food Stamps + Creative Dumpster Reclamation + A Slow Metabolism + Insufficient Exercise =..... 1 Bloated Blogger....."

Good Evening;

Sunday afternoon I was out of meds and I was forced by neccessity to bite the bullet and go out to the corner and get some cash. Although my credit is still excellent with Monkee, she is out of bupe. (Funny Story...All the times when I was getting high and ducking negative urine tests by buying or 'borrowing'...[though come to think of it....no one ever asked for repayment...LOL] clean pee, on Friday I was actually asked to 'contribute'!!, because the person knew that I was clean, and had bupe in my system, and they needed that to stay in a program...THAT was a first for me....lol). So I was out for an hour and made the $20.00 I needed to get 2 bupes and pay the 'runner', then I left. I really felt stressed looking over my shoulder, but leaving after hitting the exact amount, and not trying for more eased the anxiety I have been feeling about being out there.

I have been going to the Giant every morning and buying marked down bake goods at the self service register on my card, and going to redeem the $1.50 off coupon at the customer service counter for cash. This gives me the $1.47 for the first cup of coffee, then the Registered Starbucks card picks up the rest. And between the Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks dumpster diving, I have been eating too much.

Other than DESPARATELY!!! needing a shower, and to convert some credit to cash, nothing else exciting has happened (that I can remember).

Gotta go.........................Dave

"Scraps......Tidbits......Orts.......Leavings........Dregs......This and That........AKA.........Filler...."

Good afternoon;

Not a whole hell of a lot has changed since the last post.....

Except that my health insurance is screwed up again, as usual. I went to refill the blood pressure script and first the Giant said it was refused, and when i pressed the issue and had them resubmit it there was a co-pay, because Jai picked it up, (possibly because the cutoff from the State had not got to them yet), luckily it was only a $1.00, which I scrounged. I have half a 'bupe' left, that will cover tonight and tomorrow morning, so unless I can trade some food credit tonight..

(Call me!!! if you can help!!!)

..it is out to the street tomorrow with the sign, it has been about a month since I went out there and begged, the last few times I planned to, I never made it, and a few dollars fell into my hands somehow.

I also need to find a shower somewhere tonight or tomorrow..

(again..call me!!)

..if I do, I am going to try to take Rachel out somewhere for a while.

Did you see that the MTA has a new policy:

ANY employee using a cell phone in any manner while operating a transit vehicle, or in a position that concerns the publics safety... will be fired..IMMEDIATELY!!

What about reading the newspaper while operating the Metro, or having a kaffeeklatch with Fare Inspectors or Metro cops in the driver's cab of the Light Rail...(actual observed incidents...and not just once!!!)...???????

It took HOW many deaths and accidents and coverups to get this into effect??

AGAIN, I am ahead of the curve with my psychotic powers....

(I MEAN PSYCHIC!!!.......lol).

[See previous posts to confirm!]

Read in the Other Voices/Opinions page of the Baltimore Sunpaper the other day, that even with all the money from the Federal Govt. being given to the city for homeless needs, there will still only be less than 300 beds in the new shelter to open sometime in the near (?) future to serve a population estimated at around 3,000.

I also read that there can be up to a year wait to get a slot in the Buprenorphine treatment programs, (anyone still wondering why I get mine how and where I can?).

Just my opinion, and I admit I am not qualified to any more than that, BUT...

Towson Catholic High School, a small but well respected parochial school with a distinguished list of graduates, and a reputation for an excellent educational program is closing. The Catholic Church, vis a vis the Vatican, is one of the wealthiest organizations in the world, and the alumni and current members of the parish have volunteered to help, and have been ignored....politics over children's futures???

(I've complained enough about my fellow Jews, I just want be an equal opportunity critic.....lol)

OH YEAH!!!....Monkee's husband is home from the VA Hospital, which tried to enforce a DNR..(Do Not Resuscitate) order on him when he was in a coma, WITHOUT the families consent..then LIED about it!!

I mean he is home and awake, aware and as normal as he ever was, Dying of cancer yes...BUT DYING!!!!!.....NOT DEAD!!.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

First the Agent Orange, then the Cancer, then the DNR.......anyone see a pattern?

Did you know you CANNOT sue the VA????

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

This would be a conspiracy theory....If it was not happening all over again to the troops coming home from the Middle East also.

Gotta go...see you Monday...I hope.......Dave.

"Missing In 'INaction'...................."

Good Evening;

If you were wondering, I am still alive, if you call this living.

Yeah I'm "okay" in a sense,....the combination of depression, poverty, dissatisfaction and anger with myself and my situation,a pinch of 'the blues', and an overdose of self pity....mixed, (and that is shaken, not stirred), with ennui and procrastination, a dash of bureaucracy and a soupcon of motivational emptiness and lack of companionship....well, all I have been doing is reading, watching dvds and eating too much, all the while sitting on my fat ass at the Starbucks. (And even too broke to go out and try to play the Keno, to get enough beer to get blasted).

This is the first time I've been to the library in 3 days, and I don't have a lot to say, because as you see from above I have not done a hell of a lot. (I told the doctor that those experimental injections with three toed tree sloth DNA was a bad idea.......LOL)

I am out of time here and that is fitting too, I am more boered than anything else.........hope to see you tomorrow..........Dave

"Will The Circle Be Unbroken?...................."

Good Morning;

(Actually I'm not sure yet...it is still 'pre-caffeine', I've hit the library first today, and without coffee in my system, it is possible this is all a dream, and of course in that case you yourself don't really exist, being only a figment of my imagination and REM sleep..........so you all better be real nice to me and keep those cards and letters coming...{the ones with the Starbucks Gift Cards in them}...LOL.........).

In a joint effort between conscious action and procrastination, in order to try to break out of this rut that I am in, and which I am wearing deeper by the day, I came here to the library first. Not that I have anything special to say, but just change for the sake of change. And speaking of change, that is what I'm down to at the moment. Without spending any money on anything but necessary items, and the only social entertainment expenses being Rachel and my excursion on Thursday..(which IS classed as a priority!), I ended up 'nickel and diming' my TDAP monies in 2 days. I'm still trying to figure out how all the monthly expenditures were in conjunction, usually I can fairly easily extend this momey for 3 weeks (approximately). I've even curtailed my Keno wagers, (the payouts of which have gone into an Oriole's like win/loss pattern of late anyway.......lol).

If a reader and follower of the blog (and her dog) had not been sitting outside at the coffee shop yesterday morning (and I must confess I did not even notice her as I walked past to go inside, because I was looking at the dog, and when she said 'Dave?' with an inquiring tone, I was startled and slightly redfaced...ooops . Sorry!!), and hand me a roll of quarters, I would not have coffee or food money for yesterday and today............Thanks..."Name Withheld By Request"!!!

You know what this means...unless I hit for $25.00 on the Keno with the 4 quarters I have allowed myself, or someone surprises me with a half used gift card etc., ......it is back out on the corner to try to panhandle a stake again, sh*t...sh*t...sh*t...

So I spent the 4th of July, and the 5th also, just sitting around the coffee shop for financial reasons, and because the only cookout invitation I received was not only all the way in East Bumf*ck Egypt, as it were, but was also populated almost completely by relatives, (not mine....that would have been an instant No way!!!..........LOL), average ages either under 8, or over 80, so I politely declined. The fact that they were old line Methodist's and that the beer allowance was one 10 ounce cup per person had absolutely nothing to do with my decision, nor did the scheduled 'impropmtu' revival meeting in lieu of fireworks...(wink).

Saturday was sooooooooooo slow there was no way the store even broke even on expenses, there not being a lot of call for coffee on Independence Day, Sunday was a bit better, and would have been a huge success if Starbucks carried such things as 'Irish Coffee', or other 'hair of the dog' additives, a lot of folks seemed a bit, shall we say 'fuzzy around the edges'........lol. Nathan came in late Sunday afternoon, not having had Starbucks coffee for 4 days or so, he said he never drinks coffee that late in the day,......but....just needed some of that 'Seattle Sunshine'...lol. We had one of those free associative conversations, covering everything from Michael Jackson to next generation body armor, by way of casino gambling and caffeine addiction. I was desparately in need of such intellectual stimulation, I have realized that although the 'aesthetic and optical benefits' of Owings Mills are wonderful...(call me politically incorrect or a chauvinist, or whatever, I really don't care, beauty is beauty, and women are women, and I love both, and when combined it brings me simple joy just by looking, no further contact required), I do not have the same 'salon' like atmosphere that sometimes occurred when certain folks were 'in residence', there are almost no teachers, grad students, or writers out there. Plenty of nice people, but the conversations are more 'topical', rather than 'deep'.

And as if to emphasize this fact, as we are talking, one of the loveliest ladies I know walks in, and we talk about, this and that......

Later..Dave

"Blowin' In The Wind............OR.............Just Flapping In The Breeze??.................."

Good Afternoon;

And a Happy Independence Day to all, as I begin writing this the Monkees' "Pleasant Valley Sunday" is coming on the headphones as I listen to Rhapsody.com's 'Summer Station' Ad Free Radio channel, fitting yet depressing, for this 4th of July weekend, since it looks like I'll be spending it alone at the coffee shop, because the library will be closed for 2 days, and I'm near broke, and feeling unmotivated to go begging (..Psychoanalysis Alert:..I think there is some sort of deeper meaning here, I've said f*ck it to all the euphemisms I've been using, ..."I am a BEGGAR!", I've said it, I'm not ashamed, but I'm not real satisfied either..........maybe change is a comin'.....??)

Let's NOT forget our reason for the holiday, and the people who have made it possible......... www.nchv.org ... help a homeless veteran, or at least Thank one!!

Saw Ted at the Starbucks today, he told me that he had been in Europe on business, the South of France, among other spots....Nice Work, If You Can get It!!, as the old song says..(just razzin' ya Ted.....LOL). He also reminded me that....

"Persistence Beats Resistance"

I'm in need of a 'spine transplant' and a good old fashioned kick in the pants too!

I really do have to make a move!

It's closing time.........see you Monday.......BE SAFE.

And if you have my phone number...Call Me and Invite me to a Picnic on the 4th.........(with COLD beer .PLEASE......LOL)....[but seriously....CALL ME......HAVE BUS PASS WILL TRAVEL!!................)

.....DAVE

"Just A Little Taste....................."

Good Evening;

I just stopped in for a minute with Rachel, We've been out and about most of the day. We puttered around Fell's Point all afternoon, and then went to the Starbucks for coffee and Baskin Robins for ice cream. I had went over her mother's to shower and shave this morning, brfore we went out and I'll do some laundry at the 24 hour laundomat and freak show tonight. Not a hell of a lot has changed since Tuesdays' post, other than the fact that the injuries i sustained in the fall last week are a bit worse than I thought, I pulled something in my chest that is quite painful though not 'serious'. It is causing me some problems trying to sleep and also with carrying my bags.

There was money in my TDAP account this morning...?????.... so I got my monthly bus pass, and paid for meds and a previous extension of credit has been paid off, and I put $20.00 worth of minutes on my phone, an bought a much needed pair of shorts on sale at Target...(which feel like crap now, I think I have to return them tomorrow...I HATE clothes shopping!!!!....lol), and took Rachel out while I could, before the money 'disappeared' as it has before.

I'm going back to Rachel and the kids computer, I hope to be able to write more tomorrow, but it has been a physical as well as mental and emotional battle recently just to sit down at the computer.

...........Later......Dave