Good Afternoon;
So last night at Jenn's was just a replay of the previous 2 nights, no sense repeating myself again.
Except.....I get back in the afternoon and Jenn is all tensed up and out on the patio on the phone. Tom goes out and sits and talks with her and she looks like she's about to cry or scream. When she comes in it's obvious something is bothering her both physically and mentally/emotionally, and she is holding her stomach like it is cramping..(it is). The first thing I think of is a typical unplanned family issue that upsets young couples in tight financial times. When she comes in I ask her if she's all right and what's wrong. She tells me to come out on the porch, away from the kids and I look at her and say "you're not....." and leave it hanging there. She bursts out with a strained smile and says "No, I'm not pregnant.". When we are out of range of little ears she tells me that she has been talking and texting with my youngest sister, who has just been in contact with my mother in Dover Del. She was having pain in her side and her leg and was considering going to the hospital E.R. My sister was making arrangements to leave immediately and go up there, and possibly take Jenn up too. It turns out my mother had had an EKG a couple weeks ago that her doctor did not like the looks of, so he ordered a battery of tests, and she was awaiting his return from vacation or somewhere to learn the analyses and results. Meanwhile she starts getting the aforementioned pains. Well my sister decided to go up alone, and as far as I know has not been in touch with Jenn, which hopefully means good or at least neutral news. Anyway Jenn is a mess, this her last grandparent, who had a large hand in raising her. They traveled a lot together all over the country when Jenn was young. And this has been a hell of a year for Tom and Jenn with all the deaths on his side of the family.
Now we come to me... My relationship with my mother is confusing and complex.
We are estranged at present, and basically have been so since May of 1998. I have seen her maybe 8 times since then. There is a lot of hurt and anger on both sides. And a hell of lot of guilt and regret and remorse on mine.
Face it I was a typical dirty junkie, who lied, cheated, hurt and stole from his family. Now my emotions are in turmoil, I know what society says I should feel, But I don't know what I feel for sure.
The obvious emotions of fear and uncertainty, yes, but then everything gets numb.
With all the other things that have been going on I can't tell whether it's reached a point of being overwhelmed or overloaded.
Jenn and I talked about it last night for a while and left the topic open for later exploration. At this point we don't even know what's going on, it could be I'm affected by Jenn's reaction.
But it opens up a whole new set of worries for me that I have had closeted away since my Dad died, (and there are still a Pandora's box of issues I am afraid to open there). Plus a unique set of issues related to us alone.
And then there are the thoughts that kept me up last night regarding filial duties and parental expectations, and my own desires for forgiveness, and atonement and redemption, up and down the generational ladder...
How complex and intricate are these webs of anger, grief, and blame woven.
I am so glad I got a chance to see and talk to and hug Rachel this morning, if only for a few minutes.
I'm out of here...it's closing time.
First the coffee shop and then the shed.
Tomorrow is open for suggestions.
Sunday I'm at Jenn's in the early afternoon watching the grand kids, maybe I get Rachel's mom to drop her off too so we can all play.
Later..............Dave
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