Thursday, June 6, 2013

"Assorted Rambling ............................ & .............................. A Sordid Ranting ..............."

Good Evening;

Well........ Tomorrow, Thursday the 6th, I have a 2 & 1/2 hour meeting at HABC, (Housing Authority of Baltimore City) to pick up and learn about to to use/redeem my HCVP voucher.
The Housing Choice Voucher Program is what is/was formerly known as Section 8.

I went past HCH today to see Sean, my caseworker/therapist to my pick up my mail. I need the letter from HABC to get into the session, and there was a letter from D.S.S. informing me my Medical Assistance came through, with my disability declaration; and my Food Stamps were canceled and re-instated, reduced from $189.00 to $31.00 per month.

And of course the S.S.I.  was approved back in March.

And the dates on the letters from all the different agencies involved and the eligibility/award dates are so screwed up and sometimes 4 to 6 MONTHS, or more in one case, apart it is amazing more people don't die not knowing they had been approved for their benefits but not notified!

After hearing so much hype for so long, months and years, about how approval was just around the corner and the promises of instant change, the reality has been that there was no sudden "poof" of improvement, but sometimes only a new set of bureaucratic hurdles, or the incredible frustration of having more money than I've had in years, but just never enough at once to both have immediate respite from sleeping on the street, AND the ability to access or acquire a stable long term place of my own.

Add in the worst and longest bout of depression in many years, fueled by the 'after Xmas letdown' reality that I was/am still homeless with cash in hand, that it seems there is always one more step or obstacle between me and a 'home' of my own.... plus the accumulated stresses of first watching my money dribble away to motels, then what started out as a brief interlude at my older daughter's turned into a steadily more agonizing, soul sucking travail of 2 months and counting as I ended up staying (trapped without any transportation) in the middle of nowhere to help her with money, and aid with the grandmonsters, as a 'domestic nightmare' unfolded and hit the fan, complete with restraining orders and court appearances. And then the carefully thought out plans became pipedreams as the object of the issue gradually eased back into the daily routine and the patterns and behaviors began to revert to their old norms. Feelings of frustration, anger, disappointment, and even betrayal began to overwhelm me as the main reason I agreed to stay out in east bumfuck, the absence of a personality...... was no longer in abeyance, and like a slowly coalescing fog of ectoplasmic matter, became an increasingly visible presence. And that's as far as I want to take this thread, let's just say blood is only thicker than water up to a certain point, then it's sink or swim........ and I'm drowning.

I'm at the motel in Pikesville tonight because there was no way to get from Upperco to Southwest Baltimore City in the morning and if I miss this meeting the housing vouchers are voided, hell!!, one can't even be a few minutes late!!!!!!!

The one bright light, as usual, was the day I spent with Rachel, first at Amazing Glaze painting pottery bowls and mugs, the with sushi from Whole Foods out on the Starbucks patio in Mt. Washington. It was a late Birthday outing, (that has been delayed because of unreliable rides that were promised, [also resulting in postponed and yet to be rescheduled doctors and therapists appts.],  and lack of cash that had to be diverted.... robbing Peter to pay Paul, the interfamily version), and we bth had a blast, and both miss each other terribly.
The immediate need is to find a place to live near the City and public transportation, then search for a place that will accommodate Rachel as a frequent visitor and overnight guest.

After tomorrow's meeting in the morning, I have all day to kill until 8:30 pm. when I need to meet Monkee, so I don't know if I can make it back out to the country that night either, I have to contact my niece who live's with Jenn out there and see if she will be going home at all. Hopefully I'll be able to meet her some time between 10:00 pm. and when the bars close at 2:00 am.
She's still at that early 20's party age.

Anyway..... there is still more to catch up on, but I'm tired of thinking about some of this shit.


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