Saturday, March 31, 2012

"8 Days A Week ......................... & ....................... Angry 'Birds' ?...................... HA!!!! ......................"

Good Afternoon
So......I'm back in Baltimore after a 9 day 8 night "vacation" in the quiet rural loveliness, (read: isolated country hell if one is carless !!!!!), of Monkton Md.

Jenn came home last night tired, in pain, and miserable, as could be expected after a week in the hospital that started as an E.R. visit that we all thought was going to be a (relatively...for the E.R.) quick, 'in 'n out' for immediate relief of symptoms that would be followed up next day during her doctor's office hours. Well after heavy duty antibiotics, equivalent pain meds by IV, (that took 1/2 a dozen tries and both arms), she is on oral dosages of quantities of both that have their own unique side effects.....none of which are any fun.

After 8 days of not having any 
real adult conversation, I couldn't shut up on the train down from Hunt Valley, or for the first couple hours here at the coffee

I went by the's still there...and dropped off some laundry and the library to drop off an pick up books after stopping by Monkee's for meds for 2 days before coming here. Tom picked up my other meds for me last night after picking Jenn up at the hospital and getting to the Giant in Hunt Valley, only to find that the pharmacy would not give her one of her prescriptions because it required 'prior authorization', which of course was impossible to get at 7:00 pm. on a Friday night, for the one antibiotic she truly must have.
Her friend in Owings Mills happened to have enough extra to spare through the weekend, so they drove all the way out there an since they were on that side of town, stopped in Pikesville at the RiteAid for me...(which he was going to do Thursday when he was out that way....but...'CRS'...[luckily I had gotten a week's worth of a sample from my doctor
 on Friday of last week because I was out of my BP meds).

Ed was progressively nearing meltdown all week, and all my preventative work was kicked to curb this morning when he left my "jurisdiction" an returned to full paternal parental control, who can put the 'anger' in Anger (mis)Management. I did get a couple blocks of sleep last night/this morning though because there was no need to get him up for school.

Anyway, I'm just sitting here waiting to go back and sleep without any friggin' cats, (Mama Cat is in heat again, and the other's all were bouncing off the walls, and anybody who was in the 'flight pattern' most of the week)
or frenzied cursing at everyone else because the 'curser' did not set or turned off their alarm.

I'm hanging on by a thread now that I don't have to keep it together
for other's sakes.

I've got bus fare for tomorrow, a Hickory Farms Summer Sausage 'bullet', a  package of 'Ooodles of Noodles', a couple packets of Crystal Light Pink Lemonade powdered drink mix and a devout hope that April is the Recertification month for my D.S.S. benefits.......not March.
(Which means I need a city address for my mail ASAP!)

It's Noooooodle Time;

Thursday, March 29, 2012

"From 'Fully Charged' 'Totally Drained'............................"

Good Evening
A real quick update....
The Circus was freakin' AWESOME! Our seats were the equivalent of the best 50 yard line football seats. 8 rows above the floor of the Arena bisecting the center ring! Rachel was totally immersed in the whole show, pointing out things I had not yet seen, keeping track of acts on all sides.  It was also a joy to get a reprieve from the multiple stressors here....particularly the 4 and 7 year old, for a few hours. 
I ended up with a close to 4 hour period of semi-solid sleep too.

Jenn may be released tomorrow, won't know for sure until the morning.

OY......just nodded out trying to comment on Jenn's FB post....with my finger on the period key....for at least 10 minutes before I came out of it. There were so many pages I had to drop the browser and reboot because the backspace key was taking too long and burning


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

"Circus! Circus?...................."

Good Morning;
 Well..........been a while since I've signed on.

A brief  update...., still at Jenn's and she is due to be discharged from St. Joseph's Hospital SOME time.
She had 2 surgeries to aspirate an infected abscess in her breast, one under a general and one under local anesthesia.
She has been having a hell of a time trying to get meds stabilized, but should finally be on all oral dosages today.

I've been here since Friday taking care of the kids and am finally getting a break this evening as I take Rachel to the Circus with 2 tickets I scored on a give-away from Evan, the Senior Editor of Baltimore Magazine on his blog, "Learning To Crawl" @

This is causing it's own crazy set of logistic issues, as we try to work out babysitting duties, travel arrangements, and time.

I'm still exhausted, having slept all of 90 minutes last night, so.....


Sunday, March 25, 2012

"Sleepless In Seattle?...................No,........Mindless in Monkton......................................."

Good Evening;
Well....a long day, after another long (mostly sleepless) night is coming to an last. I am just about to sack out on the floor here at Jenn's, the carpet and the couple foot lower altitude being better than the leather of the recliner, and the blocked air flow and corresponding slight raise in temperature when it comes to the damn hot flashes and cold clammy sweats I've been dealing with the past week.

Jenn is still in the hospital and due for an operation to clean out the infection and abscess in her chest, (exterior of the ribs, as opposed to my incident, which was interior of the ribs), and also similar to me she is in an 'infectious disease semi-isolation unit', until full identification of the infection is determined, with current thoughts tending to MRSA, as it has already presented in Tom, Ed, and Devin in the past in it's 'internal' form, and has been present on her external skin surfaces in it's more easily dealt with form.

(So far my doctor has not been overly concerned by my exposure to it, no sign of THAT strain of infection in my body)

Edward was a handful today. He was pushing ALL my buttons plus was in a disrespectful/sullen/insubordinate mode doing and saying things that both my daughters were broken of before they started to become habitual.

Just got back from FB where Jenn says she is really uncomfortable and can't get to sleep. Must be

Time to pass out now, 'cause it looks like I'm here riding herd on the kids for another couple days....Monday is Devin's 4th birthday, and if Jenn is not going to be home and in shape to decorate the cake, (which is supposed to be a 'doll cake', with a dome shape cake forming the dress and a Barbie type doll standing inside with the top half of her outfit fabric, and the skirt of the dress intricately applied frosting/icing over the 'dome'....
UMMM.....Maybe we'll have a mini-celebration with a simpler sheet or layer cake or cupcakes, and save the 'doll' for next weekend and a little party?


Saturday, March 24, 2012

"From 'Dr.''E.R'...................."

Good Morning;
Well, I'm still here at Jenn's to watch the grandmonsters, but the reasons have changed.

Tom was supposed to DJ a Karaoke night at a local nightspot for a fellow DJ who had 2 bookings on the same night, but, one of the 2 bars screwed up and had also booked a band.... so since "sh*t runs downhill", Tom was bumped out of his gig tonight. No big deal (except for the loss of a payday), and Tom was going to go to the anniversary meeting that Jenn was going to and help their friend celebrate....until plans changed again and he took Jenn to the ER at St. Joseph's Hospital in Towson instead.

Jenn has had an infection that has been causing her great discomfort and she went to the doctor on Thursday. She was given antibiotics and instructions on how to deal with the problem, a clogged and infected milk duct, and also what to look out for if it got worse. When she picked me up from the Light Rail this evening every bump in the road and twist and turn of the steering wheel showed the pain she was feeling. When we got back to the house and she showered she had decided to skip the meeting and go to bed, but before she did she took her temperature, which was elevated but not critical. Within the next 30 minutes though it had spiked and at a few minutes before 9:00 pm. Tom was driving her to the ER.

When they had not returned and I had not heard from them by 1:45 am. I started texting and e-mailing to see what was up. (And I saw that she had sent me an e-mail at 10:45 pm. that she had been seen and they were trying to get blood drawn.....which was the third attempt, and things were NOT going well!)
Tom texted me back that they had just admitted and she was on her way upstairs to a room with broad spectrum IV antibiotics, fluids, and a painkiller.....
The diagnosis was now cellulitis, and she was spending the least one night.

Tom got home about 3:30 am. and has an electrical work job tomorrow, so he is getting up 'early' as he can....(which is a very
large possible time frame....and it's a 'relative' going to the hospital then to the jobsite, then back to get Jenn, if necessary and she is not being held another night/day.
So I told them I was free to be with the kids for the whole weekend at least, and not to worry. 

Luckily my doctor had a 7 day sample package of Blood Pressure meds for me when I asked and told her I ran out on Thursday and would not be able to get to the pharmacy until Sunday, (now Monday) at the earliest. Except for my muscle relaxers I'm good on everything else, and I can work around them for a couple days....(and the hot flashes and alternating cold chills from not being able to wean off them slower are nothing if not familiar, 'lite' versions of what I've dealt with before.)

Anyway.....I'm exhausted, and even though the little darlings were up late and there is no school tomorrow,(today!!!), know they'll be up early....!!


Friday, March 23, 2012

"Hot Spring = Canned Heat"

Good Afternoon;
All night awake in the shed or over at the gas station talking to Daniel about; African Politics, CNN, Dr. Phil and Alcoholic Teens.

All day at the library killing time until now, and about to head own to JAI for my doctors appt.

After that....


Thursday, March 22, 2012

"Walking In Dreamland............."

Good Evening;
So....another night of 'less than optimal rest and recovery'. Sleep was about as elusive as the Loch Ness Monster! I was tired and ready to go to sleep as soon as I turned the TV off after "My Name Is Earl" at 1:30 am. and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.......for all of 15 minutes! This set the pattern for the rest of the night and morning until I got up at 8:30 am. and said "F*ckit!"! Too hot, too cool, dry mouth, bladder evacuation, tangled in the sleeping bag, something crawling on me, real, then of course the imagined creations, thumps, bumps, screeching tires, etc., etc., etc. When I went into the Giant the cashier looked at me an said...."Restless night?".....
Restless night!....RESTLESS NIGHT!!....The folks on the Titanic had  a Restless Night!!!!!!!!!! The only reason my eyes were open is because the accumulated grit in my eyeballs refuses to let my lids close!

After falling asleep on the keyboard at the library, I rode the bus over here with  my head out the window to wake me up....and damn near lost my head!
Note to Self...
."Passenger side windows only! Better to get whipped by branches than decapitated by bus in opposite direction!"........"

But the day has had it's high points,.....Michelle texted me just as I was getting settled here asking if I wanted company in an hour or so.
Well duhhhhhh................!!
She came by and we sat outside and talked for a couple hours then went in and looked at the "Hunger Games" cast pictures on the laptop. She is going to the premiere tonight at Midnight, and I picked up the copy I reserved at the library which came in today. Michelle had mentioned the book months ago and after hearing about all the movie hype I read the first 2 volumes, 'The Hunger Games' and 'Catching Fire'. As soon as the movie hits the $7.00 morning matinee level I'm finding a way to go see it, I got hooked!
We had some nice, quiet, quality time together and are going to get together again    first week in April.......can't wait! 

The rest of the evening has gone by in a kind of mellow, spacey, half-trance,....
Lack of sleep and love will do that to you.... :-)

Tomorrow is the doctor's appointment at 4:00 pm., then bus to the Light Rail to Hunt Valley where Jenn is picking me up to head out to Monkton to watch the grandkids. I will probably just kill the day at the library in the morning.

Anyway, pack up time, then the buses, then (Dear God I Hope!) a quick trip to Dream-less land!


"Can Beggars Be Choosers?..........."

Good Afternoon;
A link to an article on Poverty Insights by Joel John Roberts that
raises some points for discussion:

and a link to Dan Ariely's blog; "Predictably Irrational" that touches on the same subject. Of particular interest are the comments and conversations in reply; 


And for a laugh check out; 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

"Here Bunny, Bunny, Bunny.......That's It, Bang That Little Drum Over This Way........."

Good Evening;
Well I'm sitting here in the coffee shop because I need the use of the outlet for the laptop.Don't want to be inside. Everything else is charged up and ready but the battery on this puppy only has a 3 minute life.
Conclusion: With nice weather here I gotta get a battery somehow, especially since the sleeping arrangements are soon to be most likely of a transient, "situational opportunity" nature.


"Still Alive And Kicking...............If Barely Awake........................"

Good Morning;
Well, I've been up here in Monkton at Jenn's since Monday afternoon. I spent Monday  night by design to watch the grandmonsters and Tuesday night by default because it took less effort.....Jenn, Tom, and I were, (and still are) exhausted, no one slept well the past few nights. Even Sunday night, (you remember Sunday night's post, right?.....seems some of you were a bit freaked out.......well, for those who took the time to write and express their concerns,  I want to let you know that I'm grateful and I did not act on it.....), in the shed I could not get to sleep. Al had given me a ride to Reisterstown Plaza and I was in Pikesville by 9:00 pm. so I ended up behind the library at the picnic table where I ate dinner and plugged in the TV, and the phone to charge, and watched TV until near Midnight, then went back to the shed and watched for another 100 minutes until the battery died, then read until the lantern battery died. By this time it was after 4:00 am., and I was still up at 7:20 am. and out to the Giant by 7:45 am. and then in front of the library on the bench watching the traffic until 9:00 am. when it opened.

Dmnit, the lptop is acting up......

Lter ave

Sunday, March 18, 2012

"...........What Dreams Are Made Of."

Goo ftenoon;
(Note to self....remember to hit keys on left side of keyboard as if trying to poke finger through table!)
Well by looking at the greeting  and reminder above you can see I'm back on the laptop

So, it's been an out of kilter day after an awful night. The flashbacks/dreams have returned. Waking up in a cold sweat, screaming, is not a lot of fun. Neither is waking up, or more properly, almost waking up unable to move, see, or scream, but fully able to hear and feel pain.

It's all a mish-mash of trauma memories, anesthesia awareness, (also known as 'unintended intra-operative awareness), depression, mid-range fever, neurosis, psychosis, anxiety, and quite probably a couple long lost and forgotten lysergic acid diethylamide molecules and some of the doctor prescribed psychotropics breaking free from decades of  involuntary encysted or fat encapsulated slumber and wreaking their revenge by going on a "Thelma and Loiuse" style joyride through the bloodstream to the brain and raising holy hell along the neural pathways.

This and the continuing 'gastro-intestinal complications' and the usual external issues plus the added worry of just when I need to vacate the shed and the (so far) lack of suitable replacement options have me as stable as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. 

The thing that really has me amped up and trying to find something funny, in a black and twisted way, in everything is that I hear/feel the needle calling me, not the drugs themselves in this case, but the spike, the lure of the ritualistic process of preparation, filling the syringe, removing all the air until the tiny globe of  silvery liquid on the tip signifies that it's ready, the chill of the alcohol swab on the skin, the smell and feel of the rubber tubing as it tightens, the bulge of the vein, the first prick of the skin, the slight pain as it slides into the vein, the pressure as the plunger is pulled back allowing a tiny swirl of blood to enter the barrel, mixing in a psychedelic vortex of red and quicksilver, the back pressure as the thumb presses the plunger down allowing the slightest taste to enter the bloodstream, and sometimes the back and forth play as the plunge is pressed and pulled back again in a teasing dance of deliberate procrastination, and then, the final full force plunge as the now red liquid flows out of the chamber, to be replaced by the black rubber of the end of the plunger, the flopping of the rubber tubing as the knot is untied and pressure is released, the 'snick' as the point is removed from the skin, and the brilliant red dots against the pristine white of the napkin..............

And that's all the time we have for today students, see you tomorrow......

Lte ve.........


Saturday, March 17, 2012

"A Slow Motion St. Paddy's Day For This Hibernian Hebrew................"

Good Evening;'s closing time at the Starbucks and I'm about to head out into the night. Last night John gave me a lift back to the Giant and after dropping my bags in the shed and grabbing the lantern I went to the back of the library and alternated between charging the lantern and watching/charging the TV until 1:30 am. My thoughts were that being Saturday I could sleep in at the shed without worrying about workers, etc. 
Silly me....about 9:30 am I was getting up because after I had gotten up to pee at 6:00 am. I never really got back to sleep anyway. As I was dressing I heard trucks parking, metal tools banging, & Spanish voices and I knew the demolition folks were back. They were inside when I left for the Giant and coffee, food for the day, and washing up, so I had no contact with anyone.
After the Giant I stopped at the library for a couple hours and then came here and sat out back on the patio at the coffee shop until about 6:00 pm.

No green beer, in fact no beer at all because of no money at all. But no big deal, I usually avoid amateur nights

Gotta Run..................

Friday, March 16, 2012

"Internal Affairs"................... "Mystery Date"................... "Rejection Seat"............ "Power Vacuum"

Good Afternoon;
Well I'm at the library again after a rough morning and early afternoon. There is definitely something wrong internally with my gastro-intestinal system, beyond the known issues. The 'sour stomach' and gas incidents leading to diarrhea and vomiting are becoming more frequent. Next Friday I see the doctor.....I hope that the respite that seems to have occurred extends until then.

I just noticed that all the dates on the packages of Starbucks VIA instant coffee I recieved anonymously in the mail at Jenn's have expired "best if used by" dates of Dec. 2010 or Feb. 2011!
 (And just FYI, I have not used any of them at any time that would correllate with the above issues)

I am considering heading over to the coffee shop for a while when I finish here, since the library closes at 5:30 today, I have been there only once this week, Wednesday.

In other news, I have gotten my 350th official rejection to a job application since I have been on the street. So much for "get a job, any job". The only possible jobs I could have taken were the ones I can no longer physically do. From an attitude of "it won't take too long" to "something will show up" to "hopelessly discouraged" took me just about 5 years. And who knows where the S.S.I. claim is at this point. If I could have found suitable work it would have been dropped like a hot potato, but.....

Anyway, time is up here, and I'm just so tired and wiped out...I may just go and lay down and try to sleep. I've got the TV charged up so I have about 100 minutes of air time if I wake up in the middle of the night, and it's warm enough to sit out side the library and either watch it or read and recharge it from the one available electrical socket left in the area, (other than the wsubway stations). I just wish the wifi from the library would reach through the brick walls to where the outlet is.


Thursday, March 15, 2012

"Oh No.....Not Again............... Running On Empty......"

Good Evening;

So I'm here at the library on the computer at 5 minutes until closing, for the first time today.
I've been either outside or inside reading and napping.
After waking up to a morning of 'morning sickness'....from both ends, it's been a slow and gentle rapid movements, and staying near the restroom.

gotta go


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

"Time To Switch To 'Equal'....................................."

Good Evening
Well after 2 days of not even taking it out of my bag the laptop is working at about 94% of it's former efficiency. I am minus 2 more keycaps, (for a total of 3), and the 3x4 grid of keys;
have to be pressed firmly, deliberately, and not too quickly.
And the a, s, & e keys are prone to the intermittent 'no show' if one starts typing too fast. A dose of high pressure directed solvent spray seems indicated, a quickly evaporating alcohol based type to dissolve the remaining sugar and blow it out should work.
It is really annoying to have the Muse drop by and give the old inspiration driver a hotshot and after I've finished typing another masterpiece of irony, satire, and absurdity......having to go back and decode it then insert all the 'e'-'r'-'a' & 's's

Anyway......I spent from Monday afternoon to this afternoon at Jenn's in Monkton. I got to wash clothes, take a couple showers, and Tom pulled out the gas grill yesterday evening and I grilled steaks and hot dogs while Jenn took care of the baked potatoes etc., and Tom and Edward set the dining room table and we all sat down to a family dinner for a change. Which went quite smoothly.....all things
Sleep was again a problem, and the combination of the extremely warm temps. and the fact that the basement apartment has a design flaw of no outside ventilation and that the windows were sheetrocked over is a bad sign for the hot summer days....and come. 

Jenn dropped me off at the shed after we went to Devin's speech therapy session. There are signs that something was done inside the now gutted office bldg. over the past couple days. I'm not sure what or how much, but the search for new lodgings continues even as I write this.

Time to pack up, and it is becoming tiresome typing anyway.
(OR--- Tim  to pck  up, nd it i bcoming tiom typing nywy)


Monday, March 12, 2012

"Space...The Final Frontier....(Of Common Courtesy)...................&................Sunday In The Park.................."

Good Afternoon;
Well....As the last post shows, the keyboard on the laptop is screwed up....again.
Saturday night at the Starbucks I was sitting at the last round table, by the rear door, and the middle eastern man sitting on the chair across from the woman on the bench at the next table over, which was out of place and closer than usual, kept hopping up and sitting on the bench next to her to look at her laptop screen. At the same time he kept sitting on or leaning up against my 'food bag' and crushing things inside. I tried moving it closer to me, within what we as Americans would consider my own 'personal space', but this only allowed him to sit fully on the bench, almost in my lap, instead of perching on the edge. Now on the other side of the woman who was sitting on the bench was room for 3 people but her books and papers had spilled all over the seating area all the way down to the person sitting at the third round table in the row.

I was just about to ask them to slide over a bit when he stood up and began swinging his arm about to emphasize a point he was making and slammed in to my arm as I was picking up my coffee to take a drink. Coffee slopped out of the cup and onto my keyboard and I let out with a short, sharp and very loud and perturbed vocal outburst that succinctly expressed my displeasure, (the actual verbiage is left to the readers imagination). He looked up, looked over at me and looked at the keyboard as I frantically attempted to absorb the coffee before it seeped into the crevices below them.

And then he looked back at whatever he was doing, with no comment, apology, or even acknowledgement that he had even made contact or caused the mishap, and then he sat down right on top of the food bag. This time he got up pushed the bag out of the way and continued jabbering on into his cell phone. I had to get up and walk away at this point taking the laptop into the bathroom and using the high power warm air hand drier to try to quickly evaporate the coffee. And because if I opened my mouth I was not sure if I could have held back my anger, which I'm pretty sure would set this guy off too, leading to 'confrontation complications'...(.to euphemize it......LOL!). One of the problem is that this particular cup of coffee was highly sugared, which I think is why it has not been like the other spill in which the problem went away in a few days.
I'm going over Jenn's this afternoon so I'm going to see if Tom has anything to help clean the keyboard.

Yesterday was a great Sunday though, (which is a major change!), Rachel and I took the Light Rail to the Falls Road stop and walked the boardwalk to Lake Roland and Robert. E. Lee park. We had a picnic lunch and she easily petted every other one of the 150 dogs we saw being
Today I am paying for all the walking though, even though we stopped frequently and sometimes sat down.

Time's up here at the library..........more soon, possibly at Jenn's if I can get on their laptop tonight.


Friday, March 9, 2012

"Well......At Least The Snoring Keeps The Damn Birds Away!........................."

Good Evening;
So.....Another day devoted to equalizing the sleep budget, and reducing the sleep deficit. I went to sleep about 1:30 am. just after the cold front moved in. It's kind of wild to sit there and listen as the leading edge pushes in with a wall of wind, around 10 minutes at a steady 20-30 mph. Then feeling the temperature drop 10 degrees or more over the ext 10 minutes.

I woke up at 10:17 am.! That's almost 9 uninterrupted hours of sleep, which would have been more except I had to This proved to be not enough though. I finally got up and out about 3:00 pm. after 4 more hours of sleep in decreasing blocks of 45 minutes of so.

After wandering around the Giant half spaced out, I caught the 5:00 pm. bus to the coffee shop....and after eating and reading and visiting with my friend's time to pack up and head over to the bus stop.


P.S. Thanks for the comments on "Clean Up In Aisle 9",
I appreciate them, and can always use the 'love'!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

"From Monkton Monotony To MTA Madness To Monkee's To Mt. Washington.................".

Good Evening;
Well it was back to the joys of the MTA this morning, after a sleepless night of alternating chills and night sweats with some early morning diarrhea thrown in.
After talking to Monkee when I finally got to her place on the bus...after spending half the day on a light rail trail that was blocked by a train that broke down, then having 2 buses pass by that were so full that the driver stopped 10 yards away to discharge passengers and be able to take off before being bum-rushed by the 'people' on the stop, the bus was still THAT full. Then an hour and 15 minute wait for another bus when there were supposed to be buses every 15 minutes, and 4 buses show up again overcrowded, and I was lucky enough to choose the one filled with heroin addicts who had just left the methadone clinic....."Weebles wobble....and they DO fall down!" and oh the 'conversating' I got to listen to!

I took the long way back to the coffee shop; bus to Madison St., walk to Hopkins station, Metro subway to State Center, walk to Cultural Center Stop, Light Rail to Mt. Washington......with the extra burden of my clean laundry throwing me off feet still hurt.

Tonight it's back to the shed, and I am already missing having a battery that lasts more than 7 minutes max., and not having power anymore in the shed. It's a beautiful night to sit in front of the library and tap into their WiFi, or in the shed and use the FedEx/Kinko WiFi, I've come to realize that one of the reasons the quality and quantity of the posts here has dropped this past winter is the absence of having the ability to write late at night when the muse most often happens by. The lack of spontaneity and increasing degree of C.R.S. is very least to me.

Okay, gotta pack up and head over to the bus stop,

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

"No More Pink!!!!!!!........................oil can Oil Can OIL CAN...................................Elementary My Dear Watson........................"

Good Evening;
So the 3 nights and 2 days up here in the country are nearing their end. In the morning I'll be riding either in to town with Tom, (my s.-i.-l.), or he'll be dropping me off at the Light Rail in Hunt Valley. Then it's down to Monkee's to pick up meds, which I have run out of completely tonight, for the rest of the month.

It has been a pretty quiet couple days since Jenn brought me up here Monday night after her HG meeting. (Monday I was at the coffee shop most of the day after stopping at the library.) I was needed to watch Devin while Jenn and Tom took Edward to appointments with the school and the doctor yesterday and today, and needless to say I am "pinked" For a 3 year old, (who will be 4 on the 26th of this month), she has a phenomenal memory, ( the and of course sometimes remembers those throwaway promises made just to get her to hush up or eat, We were playing a SpongeBob version of the classic matching pairs game sometimes known as "Concentration", with a 72 card 9x8 grid, and if a card was turned up once and turned back over because of no match, and she turned up the matching card 2,3,4, or even 5 or more turns later her hand shot out like a laser beam to the exact spot of the original card, even when the grid was full and the game was fresh!
Beat my tired old, suffering from C.R.S. butt into the!

Physically and mentally my rhythms have been really screwed up and sleep is still not easy to least not when I want/need/should be.

And it seems that just when I hit the most important R.E.M. sleep periods, either it's the damn feakin' cats going apesh*t, just for the hell of it, or informing the whole household that "we are hungry!!!!!!....get the f*ck up....NOW!!! ", or worse......time to wake Edward up for school.....'the horror.....the horror'!! I've been having the same numbness/tingling in my fingers and right arm that was troubling me so bad last January, (2011), and Sunday night besides the left side problems with the Sciatic nerve, my right foot got cold and would not warm up for 4 hours. 
Here it has not been a problem, but the left lower back has me moving from floor to recliner to floor to regular intervals or I don't get back to sleep if I just try to change positions. 

Things are beginning to bud and bloom up here and I don't know if it is seasonal change or some sort of reaction to some of the materials used in constructing the rooms here in the previously unfinished basement, (sometimes there is outgassing, and there is NO ventilation down here, [other than the single heat vent and return], no fresh air unless the basement door would be left open.....and with 4 inside cats.....ain't happenin'!), but I've been getting clogged or swollen sinuses and a weird headache, and deep aches in all my muscles and my joints feel as if they were rusting shut and the first movements when I get up after sitting or laying down hurt extremely badly. It feels as if they need to be 'broken free' and actually grind then snap. Not A lot of fun getting up in a hurry!

With a scheduled Doctors appt. coming up in 2 weeks I'm not making a special trip just to wait for 3 to 5 hours, so I'm just trying to treat the symptoms as well as I can with what I have.

I have a mystery to solve.
Here at Jenn's, (which is actually her husband Tom's mother's house), in Monkton, there came in the mail a package.....
addressed to me "C/O Jennifer C." (her married name which also begins with C.) at this address, not a forward from the apartments.
It appears to be a woman's handwriting. The package was a 5 x 7 manilla mailing envelope with aforementioned hand printed address on a standard white adhesive label. The envelope had 5 Forever stamps, (which had no visible cancellation marks), and was sealed with scotch tape over the clasp..and there was no return address or any sign of a postmark or other USPS processing, (which could be because of the bulk of the envelope precluded any automated handling?).

Inside were 20 tubular type packets of Starbucks VIA Instant Colombian Coffee, 5 of Tasters Choice Instant Coffee, & 5 of Wylers Strawberry Kiwi Instant Drink Mix, all are individual or 'singles' making 1 cup of coffee or designed for pouring into a 16-20 oz. bottled water container.......

To my mysterious benefactress, Many Thanks for the contents......
and if you were trying to mess with my head.....
You've Succeeded! 
On a couple levels!!
Jenn and I have been "Sherlocking" this case and playing with some 
logical deductions about who you might possibly be.....
but.......more needs to be discovered before any public 
guesses are announced.


"From Atoms To Adam.......................And Back Again"

Good Evening;

Whether Atheist or Creationist, or anything in between,
we are all part of an ever expanding universe,
inexorably linked in a process we may or may not
ever truly understand or comprehend.
And which will continue to unfold regardless of whether
we learn to coexist and accept our differences,
or exterminate each other.

Watch and listen to the link above,
and think about both the insignificance and interconnectedness,
the eternal, universal, infinite wonder........,
that is life........
and the cosmic indifference to
man's petty arrogance.


Sunday, March 4, 2012

"Sunshine, Barbie, & Rachel..........................."

Good Evening;

Well....what started out as another pissy day at the bottom of the depression "gravity well" with emotional pain on a par with the physical pain has mellowed a bit on the emotional side of the equation. Part due to the cyclical nature of my   particular MDD, as it begins the uphill climb to 'neutral', part due to getting a few hours of morning sunshine, and part due to Rachel's being dropped off here to the coffee shop and spending a few hours with me. We had some hot chocolate and pastries and talked and played an assortment of different Barbie games on the computer.Mostly dress up or makeovers, Rachel seems headed for a career in either the fashion industry or interior At least the animated

Yesterday evening and all last night and into this morning I was feeling overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness, uselessness, and despair, (as you may possibly have guessed from the previous!), and even more by a yearning, aching desire just to be able to "go home", partly in the sense of an actual physical structure, but in a greater sense a search for somewhere, a place, a community, I feel is out there but which I have not yet found. Yeah, I'm confused about that

Sleep was evasive and elusive last night, my lower back has had me nearly in tears recently, even laying flat. The pressure on the sciatic nerve from the tumor must be increasing, and I've put a call in to the doctor requesting a referral to the general surgeon, who said when it starts affecting me to call him. 

Tomorrow night I am getting picked up by Jenn after her meeting and heading to Monkton to watch the grandmonsters on Tuesday and Wednesday, so that's laundry and shower time too.

That's about it for now....

Saturday, March 3, 2012

"Mind Games..............................."

Good Evening;

So...first off...Thanks to the commenters who found the "Clean Up In Aisle Nine" post amusing, it was fun both in the execution and the recitation. Second, My apologies for any drops in the level of quality of the writing or content recently, I've got a bunch of things I want to write about, but I just can't seem to summon the effort or enthusiasm recently. There are beginning to be more and more days where not only do I want to give up the blog.......I just want to give up.

Both yesterday and today were 'bad' days, Friday in that I got caught up in the avalanche of moodiness and despair on the steepest slope of depression cycle, and today slamming headfirst into the frozen conglomerate of misery, despair, hopelessness, inferiority, anxiety, fear, and self loathing at the bottom.

It was Noon yesterday before I got up, out, and about to the Giant, library, coffee shop, and then Monkee's, (and had a simply freakin' lovely time on the MTA light rail, subway, and buses down and back to her house and then Pikesville, taking a combined time of over 4 & 1/2 hours down and back from Mt. Washington......for a trip that should have totaled 90 minutes!!!!....

(MTA has started a "Rate The Ride" campaign with a text # and one of those square boxes with the dots and squiggles that comprise a code, that you point your smart phone at and are connected, and a spot on the website too.......yeah, just FYI, get the Bus #, Route #, Block # - [the 4 digit # in the box on the dash in the front window, visible from the outside], and the driver's badge # if possible, and the time, the more info-the less they can lie their way around a problem!)

Today I was up at 6:00 am., saw (heard and felt too) the rain and took my zipping the bag up  morning meds and went back to sleep, waking again at 10:30 am. and going to the Giant to use the restroom and make coffee, and it was still gray and windy and damp. When I got back to the shed I remember sitting down 'for a minute' and pulling the sleeping bag around me because I was cold, thinking I had nothing to do and nowhere to go, and no one to be with today. Next thing I remember is zipping the bag up and curling up in a fetal position. I kept waking and rolling over and just thinking "why even bother getting up-today-at all-ever again......" half a dozen times until my back hurt so bad it overcame the feelings of despondency and I had to get up. This was at 4:00 pm. and if I had still had electricity, or charged batteries, I'd still be in the shed, just sitting instead of laying down. All I wanted to do was isolate myself today, but the thought of just lying there in the semi-dark until nighttime alone with the viciousness roiling around in my head scared me too much. So here I am, in the far corner of the Starbucks, wanting to be alone and wanting the company at the same time.......just not the company of anyone And of course if some of those whose company I do desire were here....the desired intimacy levels would not be in sync.

The good thing about all this is that, barring any sudden traumatic incident that leaves me craving the taste hot lead and burnt gunpowder, tomorrow should see the beginning of the upward swing of both heart and mind on this psychological bungee cord jump.

Now if only the physical pain would at least hit a plateau for a while, I know a certain amount is related to depression, but what scares me is the chronic and acute back pain and the neurological issues that have me wanting to deal with them in an old familiar way, that I KNOW will relieve the pain......
The conscious part of me is aware of the negative consequences, but all those niggling little voices with their constant persuasion are getting harder and harder to ignore.....much less silence.

OK, the portable digital TV is charged, that means just about an hour and 45 minutes of watching time, or 1 complete and 3/4 worth of a second show, on the weekends.....

Well, gotta go now, time to pack up.....

Thursday, March 1, 2012

"Clean Up In Aisle Nine........................"

Good Afternoon;

The civility which money will purchase, is rarely extended to those who have none. – Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

This is the from the 'Quotation of the Day' widget and I wanted to preserve it because it is so very true. I watched a
 guy get followed around by the staff and management of a local dollar store as if he was about to steal something. When he brought his item to be purchased to the counter he was ignored while they argued over a basketball game score, and when the cashier finally deigned to check him out, she not only would not look him in the eye, but would not even look in his direction, letting his change fall into his hand....and on the counter!...without watching at all. The man who this happened to is really a nice, quiet, sweet and honest person, who happens to be developmentally disabled to the extent of being a 45 year old with the equivalent mental and emotional capacity of a 14 year old, and he was almost in tears, of both frustration and embarrassment. I met him at the bus stop and tried to talk with him, telling him it was not his fault and the store people were nothing but rude and ignorant assholes. He was calmed down by the time the bus showed up, and I decided to go and piss off the asholes....
being in a bad mood and feeling like crap already, watching this go down really pissed me off.

I happened to be wearing freshly washed and neat looking clothing, and was also freshly washed and  clean shaven, and with my bags left back in the shed. I walked into the store and asked for assistance in purchasing items for a company party for 100 people, from paper goods, to snacks & drinks, to decorations, and gag gifts/ favors. The staff and management were practically jumping over one another to help me and ended up following me through the store pushing and filling up 3 shopping carts of merchandise from all over the store.
When I was done 'shopping' I headed up to the counter and watched as they rang up and bagged everything, eventually reaching a total of $450.00, I reached into my pocket and said I had left the company credit card in the car and would be right back, and walked out the door.
I went around the corner and crossed the street and walked up to where I could see through the store's front window but be out of sight. I watched as the staff waited and began to fidget. Then the manager came out and started looking around the parking lot at all the cars. After 30 minutes or so, during which time I went and made my coffee and came back, the manager started ranting and raving and waving his arms about like a mad man and the 2 employees began yelling back at him. I'm sorry I could only watch in pantomime, it would have been nice to be a fly on the!
As they began scanning each and every item again, to deduct it from the register and place it back into the computer's inventory, I watched the manager point at the carts and then to the shelves while shouting at the employees, obviously telling them to put every thing back in place. As I started to walk away and head back to get my stuff and head out to the bus, both of the women who composed the staff were in each others face hollering and pointing at the register and the shelves, and (so it seemed) arguing who was going to restock everything.

Sometimes it takes a professional asshole to show the amateurs what's what!

I still feel like crap.....but my mood is lighter..........