"200 Mile Per Hour Reality Check..............................."

Good Afternoon;

Well.... The recent tornado in Moore, Oklahoma illustrates how Homelessness can hit ANYONE! While usually not as instant and tragic, we can all be vulnerable to events beyond our control.

And though thoughts and prayers are 'feel good' ways to help, tangible efforts actually help.
the link below is to The American Red Cross Disaster Relief Donations page.

Give-- Money, Blood, And Life

Perspective, a cure for self absorption?.... Not Always!
Check out this slimy piece of shit, a Senator from Oklahoma who refuses to authorize disaster relief for his own damn state without playing political games. Tom Coburn is a worthless waste of oxygen, wish he had been in Moore, instead of the school kids killed when their school building was demolished.

Sumbag Politician

Later..............................Dave

"Toothache.....Infection......Pain.......Misery To The Nth Power......."

Good Afternoon;

Well.......... Both the 104 degree fever and my thermometer broke yesterday.
And it's a damn good thing because I was down to my last 2 painkillers... which I normally break into 4 separate 2 mg. pieces and take a daily dose of 2 mgs. with an occasional increase to 4 mg. on a bad day. The pain and infection that started in my lower left jaw, spread to the upper left jaw and cheek area, and then increased in intensity logarithmically as it settled in the  gums above the broken upper front center incisors, roof of the mouth, nose and sinus region. 
It was the worst, most intense, debilitating pain I have ever felt!!

At the peak it took 4 of my 8 mg buprenorphine sublingual tablets to dull the pain to a bearable level. That is 32 mgs. of a painkiller that mg. for mg. is 
40 times more powerful than Morphine!

The really weird thing is that I have never had pain that was not caused by instant injury or trauma that did not steadily increase as the efficacy of the previously ingested pain meds faded either quicker or slower depending on various factors such as severity of pain and dosage amounts etc.

This pain came back like someone shoved an electrical cord in my mouth and flipped the freakin' breakers! It literally reappeared out of nowhere and could stop/drop me in my tracks! F*ck that!

If the level of pain had increased to the point where it required yet another 8 mg. 'bupe', or I was out of them and stuck out here in the middle of nowhere,
.......well, to euphemize in medical/psychiatric terms; --
 "Ideation would have become Action!"
Yes it was THAT painful.... and the Loyal Readers know all my experiences with surviving "Shock Trauma/Sinai ER7/'near death experience'/'grab the f*cking paddles-charging-clear-again.......again........'/flatlined-clinically dead" pain quality/quantified situations..... more than once!

Anyway..... the fever, and simultaneously the pain broke early Friday afternoon, along with the thermometer. Which I dropped in the sink as I was looking in the bathroom mirror at what I thought was just swollen tissue above the gum line......and which turned out to be a pocket of infected blood, pus, filth, and corruption that burst under my none too gentle manipulations.
And while this nauseated and scared the cowboy shit out of me.... it also relieved the last of the pain and pressure as it drained and I repeatedly rinsed my mouth with Listerine..
....(and squealed like a little girl at the lovely burning sensations......lol)!

So I need root canal work in at least 6 places, encompassing who knows how many of my messed up teeth...... just a bit of free advice boys and girls,....

....."Among the multitude of reasons NOT to do Heroin that you are or will be bombarded with, obvious and not so much so..... one that does not get a whole lot of attention is that besides the incompatibility of good oral hygiene and a junkie lifestyle..... dope in and of itself will suck the freakin' calcium from your teeth, leaving them with the structural integrity of a damn sugar cube!"

I'm still here at Jenn's in the wilds of Northern Baltimore County..... AKA East Bumf*ck!... and this helped in dealing with the situation....... while presenting a whole 'nother set of  sanity challenging issues that I can't even elaborate on here, for obvious reasons of confidentiality and ???????!


The PREAKNESS is about to start, more soon,
Later............................Dave

"Just Checkin' In........................So You Know I Haven't 'Checked Out'....................."

Good Morning;

So..... it's been 5 days short of a month since my last post.... Even with the spotty wifi access I have been dealing with when I am here at Jenn's that I could blame part of the absence on..... the real reason has been a major episode of classical clinical depression. A definite yes on 13 out of 15, and one maybe, on the Burns Depression Checklist;
http://www.uhs.berkeley.edu/home/healthtopics/PDF%20Handouts/Depression%20Check%20List.pdf
(I'm not going to tell you the actual score.... but it was up there!)

Life has gotten even more complicated and it of course had to happen just about the same time as I started receiving my S.S.I. benefits, even though  it's a totally unrelated brand of bullshit, and what's coming off the fan and spraying me is actually collateral damage from other's explosions and implosions.
(I can't go into details now because of confidentiality issues, but more will be forthcoming in future posts as time and distance allow.)

I went to my interview and application session at HABC, (Housing Authority of Baltimore City), for my HCVP, (Housing Choice Voucher Program formerly Section 8), vouchers on Monday with a representative from HCH who drove me over and dropped me off afterwards at the Light Rail. I should hear from them in about 4 weeks.... the search for a place is about to begin next week when I go back to HCH to meet with my caseworker. For the past couple weeks and at least until the end of May, I have been and will be, here at Jenn's...... (for reasons that will be explained later, as stated above).

Anyway..... I'm still alive, if anyone was wondering, and I'll be trying to post more in the future.

Later............................................Dave

"A Need Not For Pity, But For A Righteous Anger, At Our National Shame............."

Good Evening;

A link to a post by Joel John Roberts from "Poverty Insights":

/pity-goes-both-ways/

(Scroll down when the page opens,
there is a large blank white space where ads used to be.)

Later....................................Dave

"..........“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?” ― Ernest Hemingway..........."

Good Evening;

So....I'm still here at Jenn's after cancelling today's appointment's at HCH. At 5:00 am I had gotten about 25 minutes sleep total for the night and was shivering and could not get warm, and my feet and lower legs were numb/tingling-cold/burning-cramped/throbbing all at once. There was no way I was going to be showered, packed and ready to go in the 30 -45 minutes left before Tom would be leaving to go to work in Hampden. I called and left messages cancelling my appointments and crawled into the recliner and wrapped up and shivered in and out of a shallow sleep until my grandson went to school at 9:00 am., than crawled into his bed and piled on the quilts until I got warm...or nearly so. I finally fell into a period of solid sleep at 11:00 am. until 1:00 pm. and woke up warm enough but still feeling like 2 bags of dead mice. I'm staying here again tonight and tomorrow morning and riding back into Baltimore with Jenn's cousin Sydney who's living here in the attic and who works at the Mt. Washington Tavern. I cancelled the appointment with the psych nurse tomorrow too, because I won't be getting into town until after the scheduled time of the appointment, and because my only other transportation option would be again at 5:30 am..... and I plan to be in deep R.E.M. sleep then.... one way or another. Last night even Melatonin and Vistaril were of little help. Tonight I'm going to adjust the dosage times according to some research into the metabolization rates and also the reaction times and it's efficacy in combination with my buprenorphine.... as the saying goes... "timing is everything".

I'll see you tomorrow with the after-action reports....
“Oh God, midnight’s not bad, you wake and go back to sleep, one or two’s not bad, you toss but sleep again. Five or six in the morning, there’s hope, for dawn’s just under the horizon. But three, now, Christ, three A.M.! Doctors say the body’s at low tide then. The soul is out. The blood moves slow. You’re the nearest to dead you’ll ever be save dying. Sleep is a patch of death, but three in the morn, full wide-eyed staring, is living death! You dream with your eyes open. God, if you had strength to rouse up, you’d slaughter your half-dreams with buckshot! But no, you lie pinned to a deep well-bottom that’s burned dry. The moon rolls by to look at you down there, with its idiot face. It’s a long way back to sunset, a far way on to dawn, so you summon all the fool things of your life, the stupid lovely things done with people known so very well who are now so very dead – And wasn’t it true, had he read somewhere, more people in hospitals die at 3 A.M. than at any other time...” 
― Ray Bradbury, Something Wicked This Way Comes

Later...............................Dave

"Post SOMATIC Stress Disorder?..........................."

Good Afternoon;

Well.....it's Sunday afternoon and I'm here at Jenn's about to figure out the timing and logistics of when and how I am getting back in town today or early tomorrow morning. I have a doctors appointment at HCH at 9:30 am. and after that a meeting at 11:00 am. with my caseworker, Sean.  And then I'll be back there at  3:00 pm. Tuesday to see my Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner to review my meds.

As for where I'll be spending my nights once I get back into Baltimore....well, that's the $64,000.00 question, isn't it?

Elana, expressed it quite succinctly in her comment to the previous post;

"We are getting old, and living like this gets old"

And my addition to that would be;

"and exhausting, too!!!!!"

Which is one of the main reasons I've slacked off on writing here as often as I used to, I'm not just tired of writing about homelessness, I'm also just so damn tired recently, as if with the approval of my S.S.I. there was a rider or attachment of mandatory 'Chronic Fatigue Syndrome'.

Anyway, it's time to check out Craigslist, since Tom had a DJ job last night and took the MiFi wireless hotspot and I haven't checked to see if there were any new listings yesterday afternoon or evening.

Later...................................Dave

"WANTED -- Room With A View................... OR NOT!!!!!.................."

Good Evening;

Well...... I had hoped by this time, a month after receiving the lump sum back payment of my S.S.I., that the title of this blog would be incorrect as regards my living situation.
No Such Luck!
I am over Jenn's again for a couple nights, where I have spent about 1/3 of the past month, the remaining 2/3 of the past month were spent on and off between my visits up here in the HoJo's motel in Pikesville. I felt sure I would find an affordable room share in an apartment or a rooming or boarding house based on the ads I was seeing while waiting for my money to be disbursed. But it seemed that as soon as I was in a position to pay for one, there was nothing available in either a decent neighborhood, (and I have been steadily downgrading my standards in that respect), or within my price range, or that did not require a years lease to be locked in.

Between burning up Craigslist 18 hours of 24, and getting more and more depressed, I have not wanted to write anything, either here or for the City Paper. My frustration and anxiety levels are rising in inverse proportion to my cash balance as time seems to be both at standstill and rushing past.

I HAVE to find a place in the coming week, I just cannot afford motel rates, even the dumps cost at least $50.00 a night!, and I realllllly don't want to sleep on the sidewalk anymore.....ever! I don't mind the outdoor sleeping so much, if there was a place near enough to do so I'd buy a tent and stay in a campground.... it's the sense of futility of having money but nowhere to stay!

Anyway, I'm going to try to make myself write more, for your sake Loyal Reader as much as my own sanity. I have been noticing the daily visits decline steadily over the past few weeks as I look at the analytics report from Sitemeter each week.

And if anyone hears of or knows of someone with a room to rent on a week to week or month to month basis, and as long as it's safe, secure, and clean... and in a neighborhood where an older white guy is not automatically looked upon as either a target..... or a potential customer...... please drop me an e-mail, or Comment below.

I'm focusing on the area in the North or Northwest area of Baltimore or the asjacent sections of the County in an arc approximately encompassing all or part, (in certain!!!  neighborhoods!) Towson, Charles Village, Hampden, Remington, Bolton Hill, Mt. Washington, Pikesville, Middle Park Heights, (ABOVE!! Northern Pkwy.), and if the price is low enough- which I'm not going to hold my breath on- Fells Point/Canton/Brewers Hill. Also possibly Reisterstown-OwingsMills-Garrison-Milford Mill, IF the place was with in 2 blocks of a bus line or the subway stations. But I'll consider other areas, if A)- I know the area, and B)- The price just can't be refused.

 Later...............................Dave

"Re-entering The Ether .... Or .... Here I Go Again, All Tangled Up In The World Wide Web! ....."

Good Afternoon;

So........., Yes it's been a little while since my last post. It's been a combination of lack of motivation, a case of my muse(s) being either AWOL, MIA, or just LITO, (Lost In The Ozone), and not being near a computer when I DID get the urge to write.
But......... the last reason is no longer an excuse, (as long as I'm near wifi)!
I took some of the lump sum money that I've been hanging onto for a place to live and spent it on a  Notebook laptop. I was going to get a factory refurbished Chromebook from Acer, the lowest priced unit I could find, for $172.00, but then I saw that there was a NEW, $299.00, ASUS Notebook for $199.00 on clearance.....AND it uses Windows 8 and supports not just 'Apps' but programming not available on the Chromebooks, and has more offline functionality too. So I should be here a bit more often, working around the search for a room or apartment.

I'm still looking for a CHEAP short term week to week or month to month place to bridge the gap until whatever housing benefits I am eligible for come through. And both the 'what' and the 'when' in that equation are unknowns at this time

It seems like all the ads for places that looked promising when I was still waiting for funds instantly vanished as soon as I received them! I have spent no more nights on the pavement since the 14th of March, dividing my time between Jenn's and the motel. I HAVE to find a room in the next week because if I don't I will have crossed beyond the financial point of no return of having whatever 'bundle' of 'first, last &/or security deposit' is required where ever I end up.

I am actually about to call and inquire about a listing for a room here in Mt. Washington that looks promising and just within the high end of my budget.
Cross your fingers for 'first time lucky' on this lead.

Later..............................Dave

"Dealing With PTSD...... But From The OPPOSITE Side Of The Mirror!...................."

Good Evening;
Well.... right after my last post on the 14th I got a text from Jenn saying he mail got there and she was sending something down to me in Mt. Washington by way of her cousin, (my niece through marriage # 1), who works at the Mt. Washington Tavern.........

HALLELUJAH!!
It was a portion of my accrued S.S.I."back benefits" from S.S.A.!....
And of course in typical 'Dave's Lack-a-Luck' style I got it 2 minutes after the banks closed,
and there was no check cashing store open I was able to get to in a neighborhood where I wanted to wait on a bus stop with 2 Grand in my pocket....lol!
So... I ended up sleeping on the library sidewalk with the check tucked away in my shorts...lol!
 
I'm over Jenn's and have been here since last Wednesday night, and spent the 5 nights before then, Friday the 15th through Tuesday the 19th in a motel. I'm looking for a cheap week to week or month to month room while waiting to find out about what housing assistance I will be receiving.

I went and bought needed socks, jockey shorts, jeans, and even a pair of boots and sneakers, all on sale and clearance priced......and under $100.00!! Of course if I had went shopping with only $100.00, none of it would have been on sale....lol!

I really have not been in a mood to write in the past 2 weeks, now that I have my S.S.I., and actually have money in my pocket. I have not been able to find a cheap room in a decent neighborhood, where there were dozens available when I could not make the rent. I'm also
going through a type of 'post-partum depression' too, kinda like the after holiday letdown one experiences when the tree comes down and the tinsel is gone.
A large part is that it still hasn't sunk in yet, and until I actually DO have a place, ANY place to call home, it probably won't be able to. And I keep waiting for the dream to end, to wake up and find out that it WAS just a dream, and I didn't really get anything.

I know it is strange, but for a long time all I had to hold onto as an identity and a defense against totally losing ALL hope, was this image of  "the Homeless Blogger", that through
their honest and innocent  praise and encouragement, a lot of people helped me build as a facade. And now.....I have to figure out...... What do I do, and where do I go, next?

More Soon,
Later.....................................................Dave

{And now I've also got to delete the disclaimer to your left real soon......lol!}


""Pressure" Relief.....At Last!............."

Good Morning;

So....Made my appointments at HCH yesterday and talked with my caseworker/MH counselor about housing options. We are still weeks maybe months away from getting the Section 8 vouchers approved so I think that my best choice will be to rent a small, cheap furnished room or possibly apartment on a weekly or month to month basis until everything is settled and I can make a rational decision without the immediate overwhelming pressure to find shelter hanging over me.
More as that develops.

I spent a good 40 minutes with the doctor and got my BP meds, muscle relaxer, Zantac, and iburofen 'scripts filled...hooray!! Then went to the Phleboto-Vamps and gave enough blood (for tests) to float the Titanic. My Medical Assistance is STILL not active but I was placed in the PAC program (without my knowledge or any notification by mail as is required....great work D.S.S.....NOT!!!!!!
The M.A. should kick in with the S.S.I. benefits, but may take months I am told.
The doc also mentioned that she was scheduling my follow up visit next month with one of their doctor's who CAN write a 'script for the Buprenorphine, and who MAY be able to understand that I don't need to come in every damn day for a single dose, and write the prescription for 30 days, which is the onlyway I'll deal with them concerning the matter.

Still NO MAIL!!! at Jenn's.


Later...........................Dave

"So THAT'S Why It's Called 'Snail Mail'...................."

Good Morning;
(For some reason this did not get posted on Wednesday...stupid library computers!)

Well.......The waiting game continues, if it wasn't way the hell out in East BumF*ck, I'd be camped out at the base of Jenn's mailbox! Relying on S.S.A. via the U.S.P.S. for monies approved but not yet disbursed/received is a classic example of,
.........."frustration"......... lol!

'Just Be Patient' you say? Revel in the anticipation? Ummm, Hello! 'Delayed Gratification' is not in my vocabulary! This is Dave, remember, formerly a "factory sponsored player" for the "Team Cocaine" franchise..........LMAO!

Anyway, today I have an appointment with both my mental health/housing caseworker and then with a Medical Doctor at HCH, at 1:00 pm. and 2:00 pm. respectively. I have a bunch of questions about housing options available to me, and the further role of HCH in my life after I end up with housing...(soon, very effing soon, I hope!!)... and access to their services.

Stay tuned for more updates and a real post once my nerves chill out a bit. I can't really think to write or attempt to be creative just now.

Later.................................Dave

 

"The Fat Lady Is Practicing Her Scales......... Concert Date To Be Announced!!!!.................."

Good Afternoon;
Well..... It's been a busy week. I went over Jenn's on Tuesday to escape the snowstorm, (and up there in the country it really DID snow!), and stayed until Friday afternoon. I'm heading back out there this afternoon with Rachel to monstersit the grandkids tonight, then back here to the library to sleep on Sunday.

On Thursday I rode in with Jenn and Devin to her speech therapy appointment. Just before we stopped in to the S.S.A. offices at Reisterstown Road Plaza to take care of one little detail.... .........................a teeny tiny bit of paperwork that needed to be completed.
Which just happened to be......
THE CULMINATION OF 6 YEARS OF BUREAUCRATIC HELL!!!!........

MY APPROVAL FOR S.S.I. BENEFITS!!!!!!

FUCK YEAH!!!!!

7-15 DAYS UNTIL I GET A CHECK IN THE MAIL,
AND I'M FIGURING A MONTH UNTIL I AM IN (PERMANENT) HOUSING!!
More info to follow in the next post, I've got to hit the buses now.
There's a lot of weird thoughts and emotions rattling around in my head right now,
and I've still got meetings at HCH on Wednesday the 13th to see about housing qualifications, and I'm supposed to see a medical doctor there too. Now I'm wondering where and when my services will be continued, and if I should stay with JAI?


Later.....................Dave

"All Right March, .....Enough With The Lion....I'm Ready For The Lamb!................"

Good Evening;

So.... Cold, Windy; Cold, Windy; Cold Windy, Cold, Windy.
Library-Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks, Library.
Library Sidewalk, Library Sidewalk, Library Sidewalk, Library Sidewalk.
That's 4 days of Weather, 4 days of Daytime Locations, 4 days of Where I Spent The Night.
And now you are caught up on my past 4 days from Friday morning through tonight, (Monday).

Tomorrow, Tuesday, at some point in the afternoon I am going up to Jenn's hopefully ahead of the coming snowstorm, to spend a couple nights and days. Then on Thursday Jenn is coming with me to a meeting at the Reisterstown Road Plaza Social Security Office, (details to follow after).

Tuesday will be partly here at the library, then maybe partly at the coffee shop, then possibly on the Light Rail to Hunt Valley, depending on where and when I am meeting Tom for the ride out to their place.

I realized one thing this weekend at the coffeeshop where it was a continuation of "alumni weekend/old home week" as much as I loved the apartment in Canton, I really needed to be out meeting and talking to people to combat the insidiousness of my own particular brand of mental illmess. It's a delicate balance between comfort and crazy and creativity inside my head.

Later............................Dave

" Comments....... Kind Words...... Confessions....... &......... Klutzy Me................ "

Good Morning;

Well.....First I need to say "Thank You!, Elise", for the lovely comment and birthday wishes you sent me as a COMMENT to the previous post, ("Birthday Wishes NOT Birthday Fishes....."), the personal contact means a lot and I truly appreciate the time and effort you took.

 [ -- Damn! Damn! Damn! -- ]
  { ---  Elise...So Sorry....I accidentally deleted your comment as I was trying to remove your email from public view and I cannot undo my error. If you could please repost your comment on the same post and share your story with everyone that would be great, and anyone still struggling can see that there is hope.
(and e-mail me in private if you don't want your e-mail address to be public,
 my e-mail address is in the Header at the top of the blog page,
I would appreciate it, and again..... sorry about this.) --- }

One thing I do have to say is that while I am now clean with a quite  respectable number of years of sobriety to cushion me, I too still feel the consequences of nearly 30 years of cocaine and heroin addiction. I have never denied my part in the many and convoluted circumstances that led up to and more damagingly, have kept me being homeless for this long. While drugs themselves no longer have any 'direct' effect on my life their long term usage stripped me of my safety net and most of my family, and have left indelible and irreversible damages on mind, soul, & body. And as time goes on and many of the physical, emotional, and mental trauma has faded and lessened, I will never be totally free of their memories and scar tissue.

So I am happy you have gotten the chance to stop the destructive slide so early. All recovery is good recovery!
And I would love to meet you and your fiancee for coffee some time....write me.


Well... between my grandson, my son-in-law, and getting soaked on Tuesday, ...
I have a lovely case of chest congestion. You know the type, where the cough is known as 'productive' in medical terms.... but the mucous is so thick and heavy that with each hacking, chest wracking, (but satisfying!....lol), cough that occurs there is an
uncontrollable and instinctive reaction to double check the chunk of phlegm, just to be sure there's not a hunk of lung attached!

Wednesday night was warm and I sat up and read until, near 2:00 am. and slept like a log...well as well as a log with prostate issues may have slept...lol, only getting up once between 3 hour sessions of real solid sleep. Thursday dawned a good bit colder, and windier and Thursday night was much colder and I slept poorly. Plus I could not get my 'pillow' folded, wrapped, and rolled right, it was either hard as a rock or too damn high for my shoulder, (in which I somehow ended up with a pulled muscle in my sleep a couple/three nights ago!), and kept kinking my neck.... so I'm tired and sandy-eyed just now.

Anyway, I have been in the library Wednesday, Thursday, and I'm about to leave here soon a s it closes early on Friday.  I'm on my way to the Giant to scrounge something to eat with my last $3.00 (until tomorrow's TDAP!!!), and then to the Starbucks.
(I really need to find another laptop or a tablet soon, the weather is changing and I want to get outside more, and the craptop I have has given up the ghost at last.) 
Later......................................Dave

" Birthday Wishes.....NOT Birthday Fishes!!...Pisces Or Not!..."

Good Afternoon;

So.......  "Happy Birthday To Me!"
Yeah yesterday was another one down the tubes!....lol!
I had appointments with my HCH caseworker and then with the contract doctor doing
the exam/eval. for the S.S.A. D.D.S. for the State. Which went amazingly well, Dr. Mercado was a wonderful person and even though 'technically', strictly neutral, gave me hope and a positive vibe.

I went up to the Starbucks in Mt. Washington as the rain began to pound down, and John gave me a ride back to the library after the coffee shop closed. Which turned out to be not a good thing. The whole area where I sleep was just soaked and impossible to even think about sleeping at I had some cash that I was saving up towards a pair of boots and part was also going to Monkee......wellllll, the boots are again on hold and Monkee is deferred until the weekend when I hope to get my little bit of TDAP money....
Because....(He Rationalized....)....It's My Birthday Damnit....And I'm Sleeping In A Motel!

Which I did, from 10:00 pm. until 11:00 am. (at a rate of $5.00 per hour!)....
problem is that I forgot about my appointment with the Psych doc at HCH at 10:00am.

damn...outta time......!!!!
Later.........................Dave