Tuesday, August 31, 2010

"Summer....Sounds, Sandwiches, Sunshine, Sandcastles, Sleuths, and Subliminal Seashore Speculations..."

Good Morning;

I keep waking up in the early pre-dawn hours thinking it is much later then it really is. I think my biological clock was wound way too tight at some point and messed up it's mainspring! After looking at the time and seeing that it was only 3:35 am. I fell back asleep for a few more hours....waking to sound of pissed off birds and the squawk of a two way radio through an external speaker echoing off the buildings. Mixed into this cacophony was the beeping of a B G & E truck's backup warning device, the shouting, cursing, and laughing of the workmen and the continual grind and squeal of the lift-gate as they unloaded equipment and materiel. In the near distance was the sounds of traffic.....and traffic accidents.....and the clanging and banging of a fuel truck unloading at the gas station. Ahhhh.....the sounds of summer in the suburbs of Baltimore!

After I left here I hit the Starbucks and read and talked with my friend Dave from Whole Foods for a while. Jenn came in for her tea before her homegroup meeting and I made plans to ride back to her house with her and grab some of my sandwiches from her freezer. As I was leaving the coffee shop to head across the street to the church where the meeting is held Katie calls me back and hands me a bag of that day's marked out sandwiches, straight out of the blue with no request on my part. What a sweetheart she is, and she also has that type of smile that lights up a room and makes everyone in range want to smile too. ;-)

What a lovely and deeply appreciated deed that was....Many Thanks!!!!

I ended up having Jenn drop me at the library and gave her some more sandwiches to put in her 'fridge for me for later. I sat outside the library and read and listened to "Jimmy Buffet-Live In Hawaii" on the DVD/CD player. I've slipped into "A Florida State Of Mind" it looks like, the three authors I now have in my bag are:
John D. MacDonald, Carl Hiaasen, and Tim Dorsey.

All writers with stories and characters set in The Sunshine State, all deeply in love with Florida and outraged at the desecration of the environment by greedy developers and crooked politicians and scam artists of all kinds. The 2 younger authors pay homage to the late, great, John MacD, as does Jimmy Buffet at times, as do their characters. C.H. and T.D. write 'comic crime novels', in the mold of Donald Westlake and Elmore Leonard, (who has a few of his books set in Fla.).

One day I'll get back to the Beach and the 'Glades. But for now it's over to the Starbucks with my recycled sandwiches and the reclaimed donuts from the Dunkin Dumpster.

Tomorrow night I am watching the grandkids so Jenn and Tom can go to a friend's anniversary. I've got to wash clothes so I'll have clean items to wear to the fair on Thursday with Rachel. I'll probably shower both day's, just because I can....lol.

I'm waiting to hear from S.S.A. on the documents I dropped off last week, and I'm just waiting for the time to go by until my next healthcare appointments are here. The calm before the storm??

Alrighty....I'm going to go scrounge a cup of coffee somewhere. If push comes to shove I have a bottle of Mountain Dew or 2 tubes of those flavored add-ins for a bottle of water that are also labeled as "Energy Rush", if the caffeine headache (actually it's the 'lack of') starts up. I may have a last coupon for free drink from Starbucks in the bottom of my bag, I likes mah cawfeeee!


Monday, August 30, 2010

"The Itchy And Skratchy Show.............."

Good Afternoon;

Well yesterday was a strange day, following a very lousy night. I had made arrangements with Jenn to come over around 2:45 pm. or so to watch the kids while they went to Tom's cousins wedding and the reception afterwards. I ended up staying in the shed until after 2:00 pm. trying to catch up on the sleep I did not get Saturday night., then jumping on the bus and going straight to Jenn's.

After I left the library Saturday afternoon I ended up at the Mt. Washington Starbucks around 6:00 pm., after waiting forever for buses..(what is the point of publishing schedules if the drivers ignore them at will?).. and read and did crosswords, (I was burned out on them for awhile and took a sabbatical from them...I noticed that my thought processes, patience, and concentration were slipping after a period abstinence though. I found out that I can let the physical exercise slide and pay less of a price than if I stop challenging the grey matter).

I was blessed by the kindness of Katie and Josh for their gift of a bag of assorted sandwiches and wraps and an unopened box of the loverly Iced Lemon Pound Cake that was going in the garbage anyway. Thanks guys!! I sat out back and read until the lights went out and then took the bus to the Plaza station and made a short detour to Jenn's apartment and put the majority of the food in her freezer and 'fridge for later this week.

I caught the next bus up to Pikesville and crawled in the shed. I slept for about 3 hours, until 2:45 am., and was woken up by the worst heartburn and acid indigestion I have ever had, (including during the initial phase of my exposure to and infection with Hepatitis, way back in the early '80s), and of course I am out of Tums. It was a miserable night, morning and part of the afternoon. I am also experiencing symptoms of the undefined viral or bacterial gift I received from the grandkids...itchy eyes, scratchy throat, (exacerbated by the BP amd muscle relaxer meds which list such things as normal side effects!!), aches and pains, (on top of those I live with already), and as an added bonus I got the optional 'Gasto-intestinal Package' with included 'Stomach Funk & Cramps'. Anything that has me doing the 'Immodium Shuffle' while taking Buprenorphine is one powerful 'bug'!!!

I left Jenn's at 11:15 pm. last night, leaving instead of spending the night because today was Edward's first day of school, (...oh those poor nuns!!!....LOL), and there would be enough drama and confusion without another body in the confined space of their apartment. I slept poorly again last night, waking frequently at odd hours and then having to rush to the gas station at 5:45 am. to use the facilities. I finally had to get up about 9:30 am,. not rested but hurting, in all my joints and the pressure points of shoulder, hips, kness, and ankles, (I sleep on my side), that were against the blanket covered cardboard. The temperature was starting to increase also, and I am out of D batteries for my little fan.
I went to the Giant to wash up and then sat out back of the library at the picnic table and had one of the bacon, egg, and Gouda cheese sandwiches from the Starbucks and finished off the Dunkin Munchkins from Saturday nights Dumpster dive, washed down with coffee from Jenn's in a Powerade jug. Only 2 more days of this sh*t then I can eat like a human being again.

I'm heading out now to go sit at the coffee shop. Hopefully I'll catch Jenn as she is leaving her meeting and get a ride back to Pikesville tonight.


Saturday, August 28, 2010

"Food Glorious Food!!..........Wish Sandwiches..........More Please, Sir.................Cheese Burgers In Paradise..........."

Good Afternoon;

Wow, what a beautiful day out there, sunny, breezy, not too hot, not too cool. I sat out at the picnic table behind the library and ate my meal for the day, (an egg, bacon, and gouda cheese sandwich left over from Wednesday--[it spent 2 days out of 4 in Jenn's 'fridge] and a couple of bagels from the Dunkin Dumpster, and a jug of coffee from Jenn's that was pre-sweetened and which I poured over a cup of ice from First watch Cafe), and read for 2 hours before coming in here. Last night the shed was comfortable and even though I woke up around 7:30 am., I had nowhere to be or go, nothing to do, and until Thursday, no money or Stamps to shop with. So I just enjoyed the not too hot temps. and alternately read and dozed until 11:45 am., thinking it was only around 9:30 am. or so.

I spent Thursday night and Friday afternoon watching the grand kids. I rolled out of Jenn's about 9:00 am. to meet Monkee taking the train and the bus over to the Eastside, and when I get there...she tells me not until after 1:00 pm. will she be picking up our meds. So, back on the bus and the train to Jenn's to monstersit until Tom got home about 4:00 pm. and then again with the train and the bus to Monkee's. This time it was 'mission accomplished' and I am worry free, (on this matter anyway), through next Friday. I will have received my little bit of money for the month by Thursday, but I am taking Rachel to the fair that day, so I gave myself some leeway. After I got back to Jenn's, where I had left my bags, I waited until Tom had packed up the kids and went to meet Jenn at Hunt Valley for the last Friday night Family Concert Fun night of the year and then I changed the litter box...(if I don't...it takes a HAZMAT squad to do it before Tom gets to it...LOL!), and showered. I sat and watched a movie from 1976 called "Lifeguard" with a very young Sam Elliot and one of my favorite actresses, Kathleen Quinlan, (she's one of the most beautiful if not the best known actresses I've ever been infatuated with, [for the past 29 years....LOL]...). I had Jenn ring my phone and hang up (I have 1 minute left until the First of September, so this is the only way to use the phone...other than as a watch...lol), to let me know they were on their way home, so I could be out of there before they arrived. I caught the 10:00 pm. bus back to Pikesville, where I sat at the bench at the library and finished my book, ("..'Citizens'..- An Anthology By Science Fiction Veterans" , in both sense of the word, it is a group of authors who are military veterans and acknowledged masters of SF), and chatted with the Baltimore County Police officer sitting in his cruiser and using the library's WiFi. (He must have been on a social networking site and did not want to use the official police Internet connection....lol.) I stopped at the gas station and spent $1.00 (half my total wealth) on the Keno to see if the Goddess would smile on me.....(not this time)! Then hit the shed about Midnight and fell asleep with the light on trying to read. (Thursday night at Jenn's was not a good night's rest)

And here we are again. I am trying to get ahold of Jenn now and see if I can grab a PB&J on my way past tonight as I come back from the Starbucks. I am heading over there shortly with some phone numbers for Josh, one of the barristas there. Hopefully he'll have some sandwiches and/or pastries being marked out and dumped that he can slide my way. If not....well the 'Dunkin Dumpster' should be open for business when I get back here tonight, (as long as I get there before the pizza place or the Chinese place dump their trash and bury the 'clean' bags!). If I'm really in a bind or Jenn is not home, I know that I can get a meal from Rachel's mom tomorrow. And.....if things get really, really desperate...I can jump on a bus early, early, (no that was not a typo), in the morning and go and line up, (if you don't get there early enough the food quality and quantity drops off rapidly!!!), and hit one of the soup kitchens in the city. Breakfast lines begin around 6:00 am. and lunch at 10:00 am. [or even earlier].

So.........I'm open for any breakfast, brunch, dinner, linner, tea, supper, late tapas, midnight snack or after-hours munchie runs anyone cares to treat me to!...And Baltimore Now Has a SONIC DRIVE IN!!!!!!....Pick me up and I'll show you where it is......!

I'll see you Monday, unless I end up in Towson tomorrow....

(only about 5 more weeks and the Pikesville branch will be open again on Sundays!! YAY!)


Thursday, August 26, 2010

"Same Old Song And Dance.........."

Good Morning;

So I never made it to the library yesterday, which is just as well, I had nothing new to say. I spent Tuesday night at Jenn's and left there around 2:00 pm. Wednesday. I decided to take the the first bus that went by and leave it to chance whether I was going to Pikesville and the library or the Starbucks. The 58 came by and was heading to Mt. Washington so I ended up at the coffee shop. I was sitting outside after it closed and it was actually quite cool with shorts on, so I jumped on the next bus back over here. I was in the shed by 11:15 pm. and asleep by 11:45 pm., waking up around 2:45 am., (thinking it was much closeer to morning), to use the tree and went back to sleep. I was up by 7:30 am. wide awake with nothing to do, nowhere to go and no money or stamps to go shopping. I have a few breakfast sandwiches that someone at the coffee shop gave me, so I do have something to eat, and I am going back to Jenn's this evening to watch the grand monsters so there is dinner and breakfast for tomorrow.
My biggest concern now is the fact that I am out of 'bupes' and Monkee may not get more until the weekend. She is going to find out today and hopefully, (knock wood, cross fingers...etc.), will be able to resupply. I am down to less than a dollar until Thursday the 2nd of next month, so she is my 'on credit' option. I tried to call from the courtesy phone at the Giant earlier, (I'm also out of minutes on both phones), but recieved no answer, so she may be at the pharmacy now.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

"Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition!!!!....................."

Good Afternoon;

When I left here yesterday I stopped at Rachel's house to give her her gift and spend some time with her. She was overjoyed to see me, but had her friend Lily over so I was relegated to second place....lol.

I ended up sitting and having a nice talk with her Mom and getting caught up on the details of her school plans for this year...(homeschooling, and we talked about my desire that she be in a more traditional school sitting next year, and agreed that we will begin trying NOW!! to put all the ducks in a row in order to accomplish this, Rachel was accepted at Beth Tfiloh, which is an Orthodox school I can live with, with modern teaching methods, an excellent secular studies program, and a very impressive number of graduates going on to Colleges and Universities, not just yeshiva or seminaries)...and all the drama and mess regarding the continuing child custody battles revolving around her other kids....(and as poor a father as I may happen to be at this point in time; I am still mile above this sick, psychotic, psychopathic and amazing petty and incredibly stupid asshole she was first married to!! His own children either fear or hate him...or both! Amazingly they are still very loving kids and good siblings to Rachel.).

I left there 2 hours after I had originallly planned and headed over to Jenn's, where I had dinner, did the dishes, showered and then put the kids to bed. For some reason everyone woke up cranky and tired out. The kids are just past the midpoint of a summer cold, I slept poorly onthe couch..I could not get my padding right on the framework...Jenn and Tom both felt crappy too....I'm not evem going to try to guess THEIR reasons....lol.

Jenn came in last night and asked me what I'm doing tonight,can I watch the kids aagain because she was asked to speak at a meeting...well I just checked my calendar and my e-mail, and my dance card is empty again so I guess Edward doesn't get his wish...'that you never babaysit me again , Pop-pop'....heh...heh...heh..... you think I'm strict little buddy....just wait until you start Catholic School next week.....I hope you don't have Sister 'Mary Francis Torquemada' for your teacher!........LOL!

I think she has also booked me for Wednesday and Thursday nights too, and at least one weekend night, so Ed and I are going to be real tired of one another real soon......LOL!

The 'Ex' gave me the hair clippers, so tomorrow morning I am being shorn like a sheep again. I am much ahppier with little or no hair. the only reason I don't shave my head anymore is that without a goatee or some other form of interesting facial hair, (which I can no longer find the patience to deal with, nor do I like the feeling of), I tend to resemble either 'The Goofy Buddha'....or....'Dopey', from "Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs"!

I'm out of time so, I'll be back at some point in the next few days, depending on the rain, the grand monsters and the availabilty of the laptop or the library hours.


Monday, August 23, 2010

"Balancing Acts.................."

Good Morning;

Well finally, a decent nights sleep, a reasonably cool morning to wake to, and actually getting up and out by 9:30 am. (without any meetings, appointments, etc. forcing me to get up).

I went to sleep about Midnight and I woke up at 5:00 am. and raced over to the gas station to use the bathroom, but I was able to get back to sleep by 5:30 am., and woke again about 8:30 am. thinking it was 11:00 am. or so. I lay there for an 1/2 an hour thinking and dozing and then got up and tidied up a bit. I was in the Giant by 9:35 and ended up running into an acquaintance from the now closed Starbucks and we talked for a good while. Hearing his story and listening to his voice and feeling his despair, frustration, anger and hopelessness put some perspective back in my life. He has a wife and 6 kids at home, foreclosure on his house looming over his head, cannot find work, and was in the Giant trying to buy milk and whatever he could with the coins scavenged from the house, the car and the kids piggy banks. His need for immediate assistance, intervention, and advocacy, like what my 'ex' was facing, and my own situation in some ways, is being met with a 'hurry up and wait' response. Banks and BG&E will only wait so long.
I spent Friday night at Jenn's with the dirty dishes and the grandkids, and most of Saturday too. Ed and I watched "Bicentennial Man" starring Robin Williams, EmBeth Davidtz and Sam Neill that afternoon. It is based on the Isaac Asimov novella of the same name, and is a very touching, funny and thoughtful film.....even Ed enjoyed it and sat through the whole thing and only talked over a quarter of the dialogue....lol!
I left there after another shower and went to the coffee shop and sat out back after they closed until 11:00 pm and caught the last bus back to the Plaza, then went up and sat outside the library in Pikesville and read until near 2:00 am. because it was too hot in the shed. I slept, dozed, tossed and turned until after 1:00 pm. when the heat forced me out on Sunday, unrested, uncomfortable, unclean, unhappy, and unfed. I went into the Giant and spent the last of my money, (the Foodstamps were depleted Saturday morning when I went to get my contribution to breakfast at Jenn's), on the real low budget Buddig lunchmeats and a bag of rolls, a '$1.00 Special' bag of chips and my Powerade. I then went to the Starbucks and sat there and had my meal for the day and a great conversation with my pal John Erbe, about 'Guy Stuff'...(lol!,)...cars, guns, boats, and electronics....et. al. I sat outside until near 10:00 and made a raid on the trash for some of the breakfast sandwiches that had been marked out and tossed in the can.......(and to Carol, ONLY the ones that had a clean and sealed wrapper with the gas tight integrity still intact...[FYI the packaged are filled with nitrogen or an inert gas at the factory to ensure freshness and color and to retard spoilage, and the bags will bulge slightly when squeezed like a balloon if the seal is intact]....so I am not just grabbing half eaten food covered with coffee grinds and floor sweepings.....{at this point in time}...LOL!). I sat at the library again, trying to read but falling asleep on the bench so I went to the gas station, then the 'Dunkin Dumpster'...(where the donuts are tossed 'en masse' into garbage bags, and then tied and dumped), where I snagged for few donut holes for a snack...(with the heat wave this summer I have not been collecting any donuts for the morning, they tend to melt by the time I get to them, because I seal them in airtight ziplocs to keep out the bugs). I was asleep bt Midnight as I said, and it was very warm, but it cooled off a great deal by morning, and was comfortable when I got up...of course, the day I wish to sleep, and the external factors are correct for it....I Can't!
As you probably have deduced I've reached that stage of the month where I have exhausted all my resources, (and I'm down to the last 2 days of my bupe, the other meds are good until the refill time), and I am scraping bottom. Luckily I have been requested to watch the grandkids quite a few days in the next week or so....so I will not miss too many meals, if push comes to shove. In fact she just e-mailed me that she forgot to ask me about tonight....one less day to worry about and I can stick my sandwiches in the freezer until tomorrow.

I am heading over to Rachel's now, I have gift for her from our cashier friend at the Giant and her daughter, a nice Star Of David pendant necklace that has the center of the star cut out and a small heart hanging inside, she should love it. Carol said she was wondering who to give it to and said she thought of Rachel because she is always so appreciative and grateful, of even the smallest gift.(Now if only I could inject some of that into Edward!)

I have to stop at Social Security and drop off the forms I filled out at Prologue on Friday, it is in a pre-addressed and postage free envelope, but I am going to walk it to the counter. I am not staying to talk to anyone today, I feel very anxious and paranoid talking to people I do not know right now. I may sound okay writing this and in an up mood, but the inside of my head is vibrating like a struck bell and the depression is hanging over me like a damp, heavy, all enveloping fog. Other than seeing my Rachel...and Jenn and the grandkids to a lesser extent, (I really don't want to see Tom, especially if he is in a bad mood), I just want to curl up and be alone. (Thank God for the DVD player...and that Ed can cahnge and play the discs!.....LOL)

I'm out of time...............


Friday, August 20, 2010

" The Blind Leading The Stupid............."

Good Afternoon;
Well I went to Mondawmin Mall on the train to Penn Optical, where i had been told that a walk-in would be no problem.....and am told that there are no openings for an eye exam before the referral expires on the 9th of Sept.!!!
The woman looked right at the date of the referral first, as if this is a common ritual. Why would false information be disseminated in the first place? the crazy thing about it is that the store was empty and the optometrist was standing around chatting.
I just emailed Jenn and she is trying to make an appointment over the phone for me..(I am down to less than 2 minutes)..at another store suggested by the sales clerk that is supposed to be much less busy.
We shall see.....
Updates as they become available!

"Aches, Agonies, Apathy, & Agoraohobia..........OR.........If............'Hope Floats'....I Think It's Getting Waterlogged & Overloaded.............."

Good Morning;

So I'm feeling like 2 bags of dead mice today. My whole left side is in pain, as though I was hit by a truck. My neck, my spine and my left foot hurt so bad right now it makes me want to lay down, curl up in a fetal position and either cry or die. My head aches, my eyes feel like they are lubricated with sand and the inside of my mouth tastes as if the Ravens just held a scrimmage in it....then used it as a hamper for their uniforms. I can't seem to focus or concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes...it is taking forever just to type and re-type, and then correct all the typos in each sentence. I usually don't need it, but....thank goodness for 'Spellcheck'.

I could not get to sleep last night until close to 4:30 am., I woke up at 6:00 am. as usual and fell back into a troubled sleep and then the alarm on my phone went off at 7:30 am. reminding me I had to be at Prologue about 8:00 am to meet with my caseworker Shelly to review some mail from S.S.A. regarding the claim and it's request for reconsideration.

I got there and met her as she was walking in the building and we looked over the notices. I could barely keep my thoughts straight enough to read and then fill out the few lines necessary on one of the forms. I have to go to the S.S.A. offices at the Plaza to drop off and maybe talk with one of the case managers there, but I'm not going to be able to do it today. The date on this form letter states that it must be in by 08/15/10, and one of the other letters says 08/21/10....but right now I cannot deal with talking to anyone or answering any more intrusive, (and at times 'trick' or 'loaded'), questions. I'm going in first thing Monday morning. To tell the truth....right now, at this moment, at this point in time...I really don't give a damn. I'm so tired, physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually...I feel like giving up....on everything.

Hopefully, after a couple cups of coffee, a meal, a shower.....and I don't know when I can get it but the sooner the better!!!!!......6 to 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep I'll be in a better frame of mind and have a more positive outlook.

I watched an old movie last night, from 1954, called "Marty", from a story by Paddy Chayefsky, starring Ernest Borgnine. Talk about art imitating life, this cut way too close to the bone. But it ends on a high note......and a dream that I can share. Sappy...maybe, but honest portrayals of people and their emotions.

I've got to go and get something to eat and drink now before I pass out. I was asked to watch the grandkids tonight for a couple of hours, so that takes care of the shower, and I shaved at Prologue.

It's noon now, and if I can just decompress a touch more and attain at least the facade of stability I may try to stop at S.S.A. this afternoon....no..wait...I'm going to go to the optician and get my eyes examined and order new glasses through the referral I have from my doctor at JAI. (It could be a possible factor relating to the headaches I have been getting!?!).


Thursday, August 19, 2010

"Breakdown.......Mechanical, Comunications, and Mental..........................."

Good Afternoon;
Well yesterday was a typical clusterf*ck, I was tied up way longer than I was led to believe it would take at a meeting/interview/evaluation for participation in a research program at a major hospital on the Eastside, trapped by the rain (and a bus that never showed up) in a bus shelter, taking an offered ride from an acquaintance...whose car then broke down in the middle of nowhere, with a dead cell phone and unable to get a connection on her laptop, which caused me to miss a meeting with my caseworker....and about a dozen other minor glitches and inconveniences. At some point during the fiasco an envelope containing two $5.00 bills miraculously disappeared from inside a zippered pocket in my bag......

I finally got back on this side of town way too late to even contact Prologue, or shower, shave, and dress to meet a friend to discuss a short term (legal) business oportunity. (Luckily I had told her that if she had not heard from me by 4:00 pm. that I was having some sort difficulty, and would not be showing up....so we will be rescheduling soon). I eventually got to Jenn's soaked from the rain and the humidity and showered and bathed and washed clothes and ate. I ended up watching "Iron Man", (Robert Downey is great!, Gwenneth Paltrow is so cute, and Jeff Bridges as the villian!!....Wow....he's like 'The Dude's' evil twin!!), on DVD with Edward....who has the annoying tendency to want to talk about the most irrelevant things during all the dialogue....lol!

I rolled out about 8:30 pm. and caught the bus back up to Pikesville, where I read until 10:30 pm. then stopped at the Giant to use the restroom and then went to sleep about 11:30 pm. Except for twice having to get up and relieve the built up hydraulic pressure or end up with an unintentional waterbed, I slept (or passed out from exhaustion) like a rock until close to 11:00 am.

This morning, first the Giant, then here. This afternoon I have to meet someone at the coffee shop, so that is the next stop.


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

"Generalissimo Francisco Franco Is Still Dead,......But His Condition Is Stable............AKA..................Still No Sight Of Land.........."

Good Afternoon;
Nothing really new or interesting to mention today. No humorous anecdotes or ironic observations or deep (or twisted) philosophical thoughts to offer. I spent the afternoon, evening and night at Jenn's watching the grand monsters and cooked dinner for Jenn and Tom and myself. Did the dishes as expected, and as expected my back and legs started giving out halfway through and I had to stop and sit before I could finish. I did get a HOT!!! shower though, when the hot water heater was re-lit whoever did it turned the thermostat up to a dangerous level, the water could scald a small if he or she turned it on full blast without an adult around. Tom was going to turn it down himself later today. I slept badly, I think I'm going through male-menopause......hot flashes all night long, cold sweats and mood swings, and the padding on the couch slipped during the night leaving me bruised and sore on the hips, and on the neck and shoulder area.
I have to try to meet up with my caseworker tomorrow to review some mail from S.S.A. about my claim.
When get back to Pikesville tonight I'll be back in the shed, (which reminds me I have to stop by the dollar store and get a package of batteries...they are 3 for a dollar, which is a good racket because almost all devices use an even number of batteries so most people buy 2 packs....lol), and the heat and humidity. It is supposed to rain and storm tomorrow so Wednesday night may be reasonable.
if I finish what I am doing today, (details at a later date), I may end up at the coffee shop, which reminds me I owe some thanks to Josh for funnelling some discards my way on a few recent occasions.

Okay, I gotta go, the clerk is on his way back to the office and his computer.....


Monday, August 16, 2010

"Rain Delays And Flood Warnings.........INSIDE!!!!....................."

Good Afternoon;
Well it was a pretty messed up Sunday...morning, noon, and night.
I left here Saturday and stopped at the Starbucks and sat outside until the lights went off at 10:00 pm. then took the buses back to Pikesville, where I sat outside the library until almost 3:00 am. reading. I went into the shed and the temperature was reasonable and fell right to sleep, only to be woken up at 4:30 am. by the rain and it's subliminal influence on my bladder, I fell back asleep and again was awakened by the rain and the the thunder at about 7:30 am. I fell back asleep since the shed was cool for the first time in weeks and was awakened AGAIN by the rain....and the side of the shed that is basically layers of cardboard boxes collapsing inward in a waterfall of slurry, (luckily just below where I lay down). After patching the hole I lay down and went back to sleep for another hour or so and then just sat up and read for a few hours, trapped inside by the deluge. It was 2:45 before I left the shed yesterday. I headed over to Jenn's to shower and shave and take advantage of the empty apartment for a while since they were going to Nissan Pavilion in Virginia to see Tom Petty and the grandkids were on a sleep over.
She said they were leaving about 3:00 pm. but when I came onto the parking lot the cars were still there at 3:30 pm., so I walked back to the Plaza and killed a half an hour. When I got there the first thing I had to do was my usual sink full of dishes and take out the garbage, which is the usual fee...lol! I then had a sandwich and sat for a while before I took a shower, my feet and back were killing me, from standing over the sink...it's getting worse, and I have had to readjust the schedule of my meds.
I went to shower about 6:30 pm.......and there is NO HOT WATER!!! The water heater pilot light was out, and I did not have the number of their maintenance people at the complex, and not only could I not get down to reach the pilot to light it...I was not fooling with gas in a place that was not my own.
I ended up heating 4 pots of water on the stove and standing in the tub and taking a 'whore's bath'....not really effective or satisfying.....lol!
I left their apartment and caught the 11:30 pm. bus back up to the library and ended up reading again until 3:00 am., ("The Sugar House" by Laura Lippman, a Baltimore writer. Lots of places and people I know of or about in the story).
I slept lousy last night...(this morning)...finally being driven out of the shed by the heat and humidity at 10:00 am., when I went to the Giant, and then here to the library. I am heading over to Jenn's now to cook 2 pieces of beef I had to buy at the Giant, on sale at $2.00 off a pound, and then reduced for a quick sale at another $2.00 off, for a final price of $3.57 for more than 3 pounds of top round steak.....as I have said before...except for the last couple days of the month....food is rarely a problem...the biggest trouble is coordinating the times and places when I have access to kitchen with the really good deals on meat or seafood.
I am watching the grand monkeys this evening as Jenn and Tom are going to her homegroup to help a friend celebrate an anniversary, I am fairly sure I am spending the night inside. Which is agood thing with the predicted Thunderstorms and high humidity forecast for tonight.
See you tomorrow................Dave

Saturday, August 14, 2010

".......In The Same Old Groove....Or Should I Say Rut?.........BUT!...Saved By The Belle!!!!!"

Good Afternoon;
To finish the last sentence.....
......and all I really need out of life is to be able to spend more time being a Daddy to my precious little girl.
What I want.....well that is a much more complex thing.
More than the obvious desire for some sort of immediate upgrade in my housing situation, more than the resolution of medical issues, more than the fervent wish to untangle and resolve my financial nightmare, and even more than an answer to the soul eating loneliness that is kicking my ass....
is my desire to be able to provide for my daughter, above and beyond her basic needs, (which are being well met), and to ensure that her future education options and opportunities will be met.
I don't talk about this often, but it eats at my mind and my heart and my soul each and every day.
(And probably contributes to the deepness and darkness of the depressive cloud when it engulfs and envelops me.)
This is why that, unable at the moment to fulfil the role of "Father" to both society's and my own standard, I take every opportunity to do that which I am able, to offer her support, confidence, and unconditional love. Not to spoil her or pamper her, (though I do at times), but to inspire an inquisitive and healthy mind and loving heart and giving soul, and to cultivate and preserve her sense of wonder and amazement.
Luckily her mother and I, (and her mother's 'friend') are all on the same page with this, and it shows in Rachel's attitude and behavior, her bearing and demeanor, and in the reactions and comments of those who interact with her.
She is the reason and the blessing above all other's that keeps the ideations from becoming actions when the pain and blackness are at their worst.

Ha! Another post that went off in a direction that was not looked for......gotta go, I'm heading over to Starbucks now, I'm outta time here..............


"I'm Back.............."

Good Afternoon;
So, Rachel was picked up by her mother around 2:30 pm. yesterday afternoon, Jenn and the kids got home around 6:30 pm., Tom got home at 8:15 pm. or so, and I hit the road and caught the bus back up to Pikesville at 8:30 pm.
I stopped in the Giant to use the restroom and check out the week's new sale prices on a few things and heard someone call out, "Hey stranger".... it was Jenn who decided at the last minute to pick up a few things that night instead of in the morning. We ended up wandering the store for 45 minutes and finished our chat from earlier in the evening that kept getting interrupted by the kids and Tom and her phone. I sat out and read until near Midnight after she left, then hit the shed. There was less water and wind disturbance from the 2 thunderstorms on Thursday than I expected, and the temperature was blessedly cool and comfortable. I read for another 15 minutes, and barely managed to turn off the lantern before falling asleep. I was so exhausted from a lack of decent sleep at Jenn's, (due to the combination of the crappy couch, [and cable TV and DVD player access, {with a remote...lol}..]..), and the physical and emotional letdown of Rachel leaving and being back out on the street, that except for waking twice and getting up to answer nature's extremely insistent call, I slept and then dozed until almost 1:45 pm. this afternoon. I then hit the Giant and replenished my portable pantry with the items I usually have with me, (some rolls, mayo packs, salt and pepper, chips, Powerade and off brand Poptarts, (which are being discontinued and are reduced to $0.84 a box..Jenn and I are both loading up her kitchen cabinet with them every trip to the Giant..lol), and a tomato, (and some lunchmeat for today).
And..here I am...and I'm out of time on the computer again too.

I just want to say that my 5 & 1/2 days with Rachel were wonderful.....


Thursday, August 12, 2010

"Gone Fission.............OR......Having A Blast.........AKA........Closed For Vacation.."

Good Afternoon;
Well, this is the first day since Friday that I've sat down at the computer. I've been at Jenn's house with Rachel and the laptop is with Jenn and the family in Ocean City, (Md.), on vacation.
It has been too hot to go out on the bus with Rachel with no money or destination, (I was promised cash to be able to do some things with her but that's another story for another day), so we have been staying in the A/C and playimg games and watching the cable and having DVD movie nights. We have gotten no farther than the Plaza Giant to shop for goodies for our dinners except for today. I had to pick up my prescription for BP meds so we stopped here at the library and are going to the Pikesville Giant, hope fully before the next set of thunderboomers hit. I.....WE!! are really enjoying our "Daddy~Daughter Days" even without going anywhere, this is what I.....We really miss the most!
I'm going to let her have some game time on www.PBSKIDS.com now, I'll be back on Saturday.

Friday, August 6, 2010

"Hooray For The Paperless Society......................NOT!!....."

Good Afternoon;

Well, this is typical of my luck with government forms and applications....

I was trying to fill out the S.S.I. reconsideration appeal online and the damn computer "burped" and threw me offline as I was preparing to print out the cover letter and form I need to bring to the S.S.A. office....And It Sent The Application Off Without Any Action On My Part!!! Now the system will not let me access the appeal to print the needed forms, saying once it has been filed it cannot be opened again....greeaattttt!

Now I'll go down there without the piece of paper some bureaucrat needs and the whole system will grind to a halt...if they can retrieve my paperwork at all......

Screw it...I'll deal with it Monday...maybe.



"Spin Cycle Blues..................."

Good Morning;

Yesterday, (Thursday), the library computers were down for an upgrade, and when I was at Jenn's to shower I just didn't feel like dealing with the laptop, and I really was not in the mood to write, nor was there anything new, relevant, or funny to write about.

For some reason I have not been sleeping well the past week, and the numbness and loss of feeling in my arms and legs has returned. This, and the beginning of a downward slide in the depression cycle, along with the heat and humidity...88% at 11:30 pm. last night!...has had me in a state of emotional inertia, a sort of 'neutral negativity'.
While trying to preserve my cash for next week with Rachel, I have been running into a bunch of minor but necessary expenses that has nickel and dimed me to $20.00. I'm hoping to make a trade with her mother or Jenn on Saturday that will gain me some cash. I'll have plenty of food for us, but I need bus money for her, since the disability pass will not allow one to cover the 2 children under 6 that the standard pass will.

I'm watching the grandkids Saturday morning while Jenn does the last minute running around to get ready for their trip to Ocean City, Md. on Sunday through Friday. I'll be staying there with Rachel from Sunday on.

Until then it's just here at the library, the coffee shop a little later on and the shed....the same old rut.

I may be back later...........Dave

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

"Rush To Judgement Rant........."

Good Afternoon;
I swear that if another clueless, know nothing, white bread and Miracle Whip, suburban do-gooder starts lecturing me about how I should be staying in a shelter or a mission, and looks down their nose at me when I explain MY!! reasons for not staying there, (briefly, in no particular order of relevance; having things stolen, filth, overcrowding, having to leave out at some un-godly hour of the morning anyway, disrespect, lining up to get in hours before the doors open, [and sometimes being turned away when the capacity is met before you get to the head of the line], the drunks and junkies, the smell, lack of dignified treatment and independence, having to worry about lice, fleas, and bedbugs, the noise,...etc...etc..etc..)......I'm going to calf rope and hogtie that individual and take them to a shelter and let them spend the night there!!!
Don't PREACH what you don't know!

"Sont Les Mots Qui Vont Tres Bien Ensemble......Tres Bien Ensemble......"

Good Morning;
Yesterday was a "Michelle Day", I was with my caseworker from Prologue in the morning: I chatted with my dear friend, fellow poet, and Funks alumni in the afternoon; and I serendipitiously ran into my friend, artist and art professor, and coffee buddy in the Starbucks in the evening....
All Michelles.....lol.
After leaving the library yesterday I went to Starbucks and read, chatted with Michelle, and Dave, and sat out back in the dark after they closed just thinking and watching the night. I went to the library and tried to finish reading the book I had and then put it in the night return so I would not have to carry it around, but I kept falling asleep and dropping the book, and I only had 10 pages left! I went to the gas station and then the shed, which was not too bad when I lay down. I woke up around 3:00 am to the sound of rain, and again at 8:00 am feeling hot and sweaty and dirty and miserable. This summer's choices of heat, humidity, or a combination of both, on a long term basis, is for some reason making the shed worse than last summer.
I changed all my clothing and had to put my sleeping clothes in the dirty laundry bag after only one wearing, this summer is also costing me 3 times as much in laundry money, at Jenn's or the "all night freak show 24 hour laundromat" in Owings Mills. $4.00 or $5.00, (depending on location) a load adds up quickly.
I was too hot and uncomfortable to eat this morning, (which is a good thing in a way, I need to miss a few meals, and I want to save what cash I have left for the time I am going to spend with Rachel next week...and I don't get my Foodstamps until Saturday), so I just got some coffee to try to kick start my system.... it's not working though....just making me go to the bathroom more....lol.
I'll be back later............Dave

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

"Plumbing Malfunction Saves The day............"

Good Morning;
Well...at 7:45 am. this morning I was standing on the corner of Reisterstown Rd. waiting to be picked up my caseworker who was driving to and accompanying me to court to day. She showed up a few minutes later and we went to Towson and parked the company car on the lot of the Prologue Outreach house and walked over to the Circuit Court building a couple blocks away. As we approached the building I saw a camera crew and a number of Sheriffs and security guards grouped around the entry doors. I then noticed signs on all the doors stating "Courthouse Closed Today"! The guards said it was due to flooding in the building, and all cases were postponed and summons would be sent out with the new court dates.
Of course Tom saw this but did not mention it because he had the idea I was going to court in the city. Jenn saw it just before I texted her with the news and that I was on the way back to get my bags.
I have been searching on line for information but all I can find is a scrolling banner on the Fox Baltimore, Channel 45, site, with no details.
The Circuit Court's own website has nothing at all.
Just as well, I did not sleep last night for various reasons. Among them, I had a coffee too late in the evening, and nerves.
In fact, I'm going to head off to a secluded corner of the library and try to take a power nap or two.

Monday, August 2, 2010

"7,000 And Counting.................."

Good Afternoon;
Okay, I'm back. I spent about 2 and 1/2 hours on buses and trains and waiting time to get to Monkee's and back. I now have a full months peace of mind and supply of my 'bupes'; one major stressor eliminated. I also purchased my monthly bus pass for August, another problem solved.
Now.....the elephant in the room that I have been walking around and trying to ignore has planted itself right in my face and is standing on my foot.
I'm talking about the court date for tomorrow. Someone told me that I look very calm considering the fact that I may face jail time for contempt of court...I told them to look at my fingernails, which are chewed down to the second knuckle!
I am waiting to hear from my caseworker at Prologue regarding some editing of a letter that they are writing concerning my case, and that has me on edge and ready to jump off.
I am spending the night at Jenn's, heading over there late and hopefully the kids will be asleep, so I can shower in the morning. I am supposed to be picked up at 7:45 am. by my caseworker who is going to accompany me, for moral support if nothing else, and maybe speak to the judge if asked.
There was a paragraph in the letter that I feel is less than helpful and possibly even harmful, I am waiting to see if she will delete it.
If not........I may be on my own.
I'm really too tense to write now, and time is up anyway, so I'm logging out and by the grace of God I'll be back tomorrow afternoon.
P.S. -7,000+ hits on the blog as of this afternoon........ Thanks For Reading everyone

"Fresh Air....?"

Good Afternoon;
Well it's kind of gray and cloudy outside right now, and feels like rain is imminent. It is not too hot but there is a feeling of 'heaviness' in the air, and a sense of anticipation that something is about to happen.
I woke up warm this morning, even though the rest of the shed was not too hot, because I had the little fan off to conserve the batteries the body heat and the air, and the funk, seems to accumulate in the area under the shelves where I sleep. I think a car or truck must have been idling near by at some point because I woke up with a headache and there was a lingering odor of exhaust.
Carbon Monoxide scented air freshener?
Okay the phone just rang and I have to leave immediately to meet Monkee to get my meds for the month.
I'll be back later this afternoon or evening.