Thursday, April 30, 2009

And The WINNAH Is..............................."

Some thing came up, and I've got to go do my 'Blanche Dubois' routine again... you know "Ah've Always Reiahed On the Kahndness of Strangahs"...LOL I was going to hang around until number 1,000 showed up..but stuff happens!
If you are reading this on Thursday Evening...scroll alll the way down the page..keep going until you see the hit counter in the lower left hand corner..IF you are number 1,000..LET ME KNOW..comment..or e-mail me.....pretty please!!!..Inquiring minds want to know!!!...God Bless you all and see you Friday...DAVE
( maybe we can meet up..No. 1000?? )
(I can confirm by your ISP and the time of log in)

"The First Thousand................or 1 K At A Time....."

We are going to break the sound barrier this afternoon...Mach 1 is only 5 visits away......Thank you all so much.
Okay.....Check out this is called RAKTrak, and it is for tracking Random Acts of Kindness across the globe, if you are helped, or see some one helped or help someone, you log on and sign in and post it..(simplified explanation....see site for details).
I was introduced to this by a gentleman named Jeremy, who invited me to sign on as a facebook friend, with the note that he followed my blog.
I signed on to RAKTrak also, it's what I do anyway, 'pass it on, and pay it forward'...
I was on the corner yesterday, and this guy comes up and asked for .55 cents for the bus, and I handed him a buck and handful of change, as he limped away on his crutches, a motorist on his commute home stopped and says to me, did he just see me give that guy money, I told him yeah why not, he needed it..I had it, he says but your homeless, and I said, "homeless does not mean heartless", and he shook his head in amazement and handed me a $5.00. I am not bragging, just offering an example of how just being decent can start a chain reaction...
(Anybody out there old enough [or with enough gray matter left,,after all it was the '60s...LOL] to remember "Alice's Restaurant" by Arlo Guthrie?)
See you later.............Dave

"End Of The Century..........................."

Good afternoon;
Well it's official, the signs are on the doors;
Starbucks in Pikesville is closing Cinqo De Mayo...Tuesday May 5th.
I wanted to express my thanks and appreciation to the 3 managers who were in charge during the period that I considered it my sanctuary from the streets, a haven of middle class normalcy in my stressed out street level existence. First it was Diane, who eventually transferred to the Harborplace/Gallery stores, and is now a new mom..Mazel Tov and thanks, then it was Melissa, now the mgr. at the St Thomas store, where I will going on those days when it's rainy or just 'too darn hot' this summer, (if she does not go on a permanent 'aliyah'), thanks and I'll see you next week, and finally, last but not least, Lisa, whose little unexpected gestures and courtesies made me feel comfortable and wanted, not just tolerated. Thanks, and I guess I'll find out Tuesday where you are going to re-locate to.
I am also extending my thanks and gratitude, to 'the cast of thousands', the barristas and shifts, who were generous in times of need, and allowed me to help them out in little ways, hopefully making their job easier at times, and who treated me as a friend, and shared in the jokes, gossip and banter.
Hopefully by the next time cold weather rolls around, I'll be coming by all your various scattered stores for occasional visits, not planted in one as a base of operations.
I received an e-mail last night from a gentleman named Paul who says he is a follower and wanted to send me a donation, and asked if I had paypal. Well my high financial dealings are usually conducted in small bills and coin, so electronic money movement is pretty much not a problem....LOL.
I told him that I appreciated the gesture, and if he really wanted to send me something he could use my mailing address, but it was okay if he did not.
The fact that he was moved or inspired enough to want to do such a thing, and that he said in the subject box of his e-mail, "I'm A Follower" is a great confidence booster and extremely gratifying.
Although I will take ANYTHING anyone wants to send, I am not really soliciting any money when I bitch about how broke I am, or come up with some cock-a-mamie donation idea, while I appreciate, (hell...I ADORE!!) money given to is not my intent to use this forum as an instrument to influence, convince, or cajole. Most of the time the statements are made lightheartedly, even though the need may be real... I have to keep my sense of humor.
I AM serious about any mentoring or advocacy type help, or living space anyone wants to offer.
Like I say...You want to send money...Mucho Gracias!!
But there is no subliminal messaging...(twenty dollars) or hidden agenda (fits nicely in a letter size envelope) anywhere in (money orders) my writing.
I'll be back later..............Dave

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

"Live From Baltimore..............It's Wednesday Night!!!..............."

Good evening;
I went down to MICA today to see the Graduate Thesis Exhibitions, at The Decker Gallery, these young artits are amazing, talented and creative...check it out..(and it is free).
After since I was down by my corner, I took advantage of rush hour, and happened to see Michelle AND Neil on their ways home from work............see you later..Dave

"The Thousand Yard Stare...or...Looking Backwards At The Future....."

Back ....again;
Thank you readers, there have now been almost 1,000 visitors to this site, and although many hits have been repeat visits..(which is another compliment entirely), I'm still honored and touched. Writing this blog almost every day is the first really consistent thing that I have done voluntarily, and actually wanted to do in quite a few years. I shot dope and went to meetings, (not at the same time...I could not 'do' NA that way, I was either in or out, but that is just me..whatever works for others is great), but after a certain point it became addiction, ritual, or social pressure that made me continue. This "exercise in exorcism" as you have me call it..(hey I like the phrase)..many times, is also a tool to help me cope and hopefully a stepping stone?, lifeline?, handhold? to re-entering the mainstream of being 'a contributing member of society'. As hackneyed as that phrase is, I really do want to create, give back, and somehow reach out to another. Bit by bit I seem to be, being pushed to make a move, by both positive and negative reinforcement..(by way of reverse psychology??..stop messing with my head God!...You've inserted enough paradoxes in my life already for me to deal with!!), and as I've said before the desire and the fear are in constant battle and flux.
Self examination and self revelation keep getting bogged down in depression and anxiety, and although I KNOW I deserve better than I am allowing myself.......I still have these suppressed feelings hidden behind a facade of functionality and competence, (at some things), of not being worthwhile enough to receive better. Same old song and dance. It is that 'leap of faith' that so hard to take, because, like skydiving, (where I had no trouble diving headlong out the door), it's NOT the fall that kills you (or worse, leaves you a cripple or a vegetable) it is the sudden stop.
Ok....back to E-mails now.........I've got a reunion from a youth group that made up a big part of my life being organized...Do I want to go, or am I too ashamed?, embarrassed?, sheepish? to show my face? Got a month or so to decide.
Back later..........yeah it's one of those 'wordy' days....LOL.....Dave

" The Ants Go Marching Two By Two...........OR...........Time To raise The BLACK FLAG!!!......."

Good Morning;
And a wet and drippy day it is.
I had a kind of lousy night, not only did I have a mild case of insomnia due to a too late in the evening dose of meds, but when I did fall asleep I kept waking up with the feeling that something was crawling on me, a little tiny itch. I kept brushing my hand over the itch, and it would stop for a while. I finally woke up enough to get the flash light and look around, and saw a teeny tiny little pussy ant..(you know, those really small brown ones that look like a piece of dirt..until they move). I smushed it and went back to lay down, but every time I would begin to fall asleep, there was that feeling again, and I would find one or two little ants on me or on the cardboard. They did not bite, just itched/tickled enough to halfway wake me up, and I'd bush it away. I had no food around to attract them, and I must just be near a nest....Greeeaaatttt!!!
This is only the second time I have had any insect problems...ever! The first was last spring when I did not see a cocoon in the corner above me, when I was sleeping under the library portico, and caterpillars kept dropping on me...yuuccchhh what a mess! Now I keep feeling these phantom tingles on my skin and everytime I look there is nothing there...LOL.
Makes me realize that I need a haircut too, the back of my nneck and my ears keep getting tickled!

I grabbed a handful of sanitizing wipes from the Giant, and I am going to wash up and change in a few to go and see Kat's thesis exhibition this afternoon. I'd like to shower, but it does not look promising, that's okay, I am not feeling nasty like I was Friday.
Back later............................Dave

I hope the rain stops by Saturday, I was planning to take Rachel to the Kinetic Sculpture Race, oh well, as long as it is not pouring. The race is always a spectator participation event anyway, so we'll just dress up in either funky rainwear or swimwear.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

"That's My Story......And I'm Sticking To It!!!..............."

Had a visitor from the U.S. Dept. Of Justice this morning...I've got one thing to say.....
IT WASN'T ME...I'm Innocent...I was out of town when whatever it is that happened.....happened, and besides...nobody saw me, and you can't prove it!!!....(LOL)
But seriously, they were referred by ICAR...The Institute for Conflict Analyses and Resolution...??? to the blog titled 'Reach Out And Touch Someone..." It is amazing the way connections and referrals allow one to find the most esoteric and obscure information and relationships between sites and ideas. I was Googling and linking myself yesterday for a few hours. It reminds me of when we would take 'road trips' on weekends by making a random list of directions, such as...'head East for 12 miles and make the first right, the travel for 20 minutes until you can make a left.....ETC., for about 10 pages, not knowing where we would end up...the Journey being the reason, not the destination. This in a way is how I am living right now, IN 'The Moment', trying to take as much comfort and pleasure out of a situation as I can squeeze, and hoping for the best, and relying on that Golden Horseshoe that somehow got stuffed up my ass to do it's stuff. I gotta admit, my lows are pretty far down sometimes, but in general, my life is mostly filled with an air of tranquility...(now of course MY yardstick is scaled a wee bit more finely than yours may be.....perception is everything!).I mean I can joke about the D.O.J. because I once lived a lifestyle where i was looking over my shoulder for the cops every minute, even when I was not doing anything at that second..and that was it.."THAT" second. Now it's a hoot that some folks from the Md. State Police browse this site and D.O.J., and NASA have been here among others.
It's a real good thing to be easily pleased when you're living on the street, it helps with the budget!!..
Ladies...I've been trying to tell you.....I clean up well, I'm a real cheap date, and I'm low maintenance,....and I love and respect women....stop spending all your money on that guy who keeps breaking your heart!! ;~) .....back later......Dave


Welcome to the reader from Northwest Hospital Center...Dave
(and thanks for all your help!!!!)

Monday, April 27, 2009

"Please Mr. Postman..............."

Hi again;
Just wanted to let you know that Random Acts of Kindness do payoff!
I figure that if I just keep Paying It Forward, my turn will come around eventually. has!
After Rachel and I played around here at the library, we went down the the Pikes Diner, which is the old Pikes movie theatre, where I spent many, many days and nights of my youth, (and as a little kid too, my dad was a projectionist when I was very small). We came back to the library, and after her mother picked her up, I got on the subway to head down to my favorite corner. The phone rang before the train came, it was the ex, telling me I had mail from New Jersey, got it..Alfredo sent me a $50.00 money order! Thank You, Mi Amigo, Mucho Gracias! (now I have to figure out how to cash it, the address is not the same as my ID, and I cannot find the change of address card)
And, while I was on the platform, I struck up a conversation with a couple in from Ohio on a visit, who were trying to find the best way to the Inner Harbor. I went into 'Tour Guide' mode and gave them advice, tips, and suggestions, along with directions. We talked about the blog and they asked for the URL, and, as I was getting off at the next exit to head over to Rachel's to get my mail, slipped a few dollars into my hand. It is really so much easier to be nice and helpful, for the sake of being nice and helpful...and it pays off when you need it sometimes, even without, (or maybe especially without) any expectations.
I must admit, I did not go to the clinic this morning, I washed and shaved early, and then ended up in a conversation for about an hour with Richard Dalcin, (the photographer, remember?? if you need any awesome portrait or wedding etc. work, use the 'search blog' tool for his link), and then ate breakfast, and then it was almost noon, and then I went to the library....(Procrastinators Inc. at your service), maybe I'll make it tomorrow.
With the weather warming up I think I have to expand my search for a suitable place to both sleep and stash my belongings. I am not abandoning my quest for a home, but I need to find someplace that leaks less and is more securable, and is also less visible, in light of the longer daylight hours, AND has better ventilation. These past two days of 95 degree heat have turned my 'hidey-hole' into a sauna.
I also want to have better and quicker access to some of my writing and my medical records, which are stashed at the ex'es, and for that I need the conditions described above, the last thing I need is to have them trashed, wet, or stolen.
{Damn, the Ramones really kicked serious ass back in the day, did they not!!}
{Thank You,, and the Baltimore County Public Library system.}
I want to take a minute to thank all the wonderful folks I've met at the Pikesville Starbucks, employees, and especially customers, who have become not only friends, but a support system and non judgemental advisory council. And in some cases a true lifesaver. When the coffee shop closes in a week, how am I going to figure the logistics when you scatter in a diaspora across the area?
We should all get together for a Cinqo De Mayo party....I'd host.......but!!!!!
Alright, the servers or routers are screwed up again, so I'm out of here for now, maybe I'll check in just before close at 8:45, since I'm staying in the A/C anyway.

Blietzkrieg Bop,......Gabba Gabba Hey,.........or,....20....20.....24 Hours To Go...I Wanna Be Sedated!!!"

Hello...and...Li Ho Bo...你好
First I want to thank the 'loyal reader'!, from Chicago, (Northwestern University...??)..To Sia...多謝, I've seen your ISP listed before, welcome and "keep coming back"....(yeah well I went to a meeting this weekend, and some of it still lingers on..[in a good way]...LOL)
So far there have been visitors from all over the U.S., (incl Alaska, and Hawaii, and the U.S.Virgin Islands, and Guam), Canada, (Vancouver, Alberta, B.C., Quebec, and Toronto), Israel, Poland, Russia, Japan, South America..(??), Switzerland, and Sweden. Most, of course have been in the general vicinity of Baltimore. Some have been referrals from a Google search that picked up on a reference in the blog, but the majority have been right to the URL. It is both gratifying and humbling to realize that folks read this meshegas and return, sometimes frequently...I either occasionally have something worthwhile to say..or attract a group of masochists...LOL. But in all seriousness, Thank you, doing this writing is helping me stay both sane and alive.
Okay, the title...I have been in a retro mood, [circa 1974-'83] and feeling loud and anarchistic...thus.....Joey, Johnny, Dee Dee, Tommy, & Markie, have been kickin' ass and takin' names today!
If those names mean nothing to you....see the video above.
I guess I'm ahead of the curve again,,,see the article in today's Baltimore Sun, about the homeless shelter situation in Baltimore County. Sometimes there is a two week wait. It's a place to stay but it's not 'home', and as one woman interviewed helpful as the staff is, and friendly as other residents can be, they are not family. Amidst can still feel isolated and alone.
This shelter appears to be set up for longer term stays, so many in the area are merely warehouses, or maybe the metaphor should be,,corrals and feedlots, where between the 'clients' and the staff,(not all, but many), and the security, (ditto), one feels like a herd animal.
Rachel is on her way to the Library.. I'll be back later, because I'll be here rather than the coffee sense in putting myself..."In Harms Way"..(Great of the best and biggest about WW II Naval Battles in the Pacific...LOL)......She's HERE!!.....LATER...................Dave

Sunday, April 26, 2009

"Trivial Pursuits...................."

Guess what, had the first visitor from Japan on the blog last night, and you've hit me 960 times since the first of the year..thanks..that's pretty cool.............Dave

"Sunday Morning Coming Down.................."

Good afternoon;
Well it came to me last night about 2:30 am as I was sitting alone on the patio at the Starbucks, why I had the blues. When you've got no place to call home, you tend to find a 'safe place' where you can relax and let down your guard, and also a stress free place to hang out. Well that has been taken from me twice in one week, Once by the actions of ...(well you know about that and legal advice says, leave it there), Second by the announcement that the coffee shop will be closing on Cinco De Mayo, [okay that's TWO excuses to suck down some 'nectar de agave' and Dos Equis (dark, of course!)]....LOL.
So now I've got a case of 'Double Homelesscide' to contend with. But, I am grateful that I had a comfortable, warm, and dry place to spend the winter days, with the advent of warmer weather I expect to be more active and mobile. Though losing a 'friendly' bathroom, that is available for personal hygiene purposes with no one looking over my shoulder is a drag.
I hit the streets today for med money, and money to take Rachel out somewhere this afternoon, (which plans were screwed, because the ex did not bother to call and let me know that her sister came into town for the day, which is fine, I have no problems with Rachel seeing her aunt, but a simple effin' phone call will allow one to make other plans!!){this is getting to be an ongoing problem..I feel as if I am being kept from my daughter...I am hoping, [and I am reasonably sure], that it is merely incompetence and inconsideration}. Sorry, back to the streets, two different folks handed me $20.00 each, and about another $15.00 in ones and coin. It is a good thing too, I am out of stamps for the month....As tough as things get sometimes....God provides.............gotta go....Dave

Saturday, April 25, 2009

"Home Is Where The Heart Is.......BUT....Where The HELL Is Home????.............."

Good Morning;
It's started out as one of those days; hot, sunny, and beautiful...and I've got the is probably (hopefully) only a residual toxic buildup from this past week, combined with a lack of coffee. The vindictive child was working this morning and I did not want to place myself in a situation where ANOTHER false police report could be generated, which sucks because I have to avoid my friends and the people who care about me. Oh Well, the coffee shop is going to be closing on May 5th, so at that point it will be moot. I went and washed clothes instead, and went into the liquor store and put my last dollar on the Keno, won $2.00, played again, won $2.00, played again and won $25.00, played again and did not I stopped...can't beat those odds!! Chris just walked up to me here at the library and we are going to an anniversary celebration this evening, so I am going to get a shower at his place..(this turns out to be the third Saturday in a row..LOL). I hope to see Rachel this weekend, and I have some money now for meds (still need another $25.00), so even though I am blue I am still aware of my blessings. I am hoping to receive some mail from Alfredo in New Jersey any day now, and that will be a real godsend.
But what has me down is the feeling of impermanence, and transiency in my life. The feeling of never having had a "HOME" even when I have HAD a place to live, is now exacerbated and just seems to be building and building, like a pressure cooker with a bad relief valve.
Sometimes it feels as if I were riding a tidal wave, way up on the crest, aware of the coming crash, and the destruction to follow,and totally powerless to do any thing but try to keep my head above the water, at times it is possible to almost relax and enjoy the view and the headlong rush to the inevitable, at others, the more I struggle...the deeper I sink.
Okay that is enough for now, I'm gonna go see if Chris found his CDs, and then go shower and eat.....At least these are the "Philosophical Blues"...rather than the "Suicidal Blues"....LOL. Today I am more interested in eating a steak, than the gun!
And by the way, whether you can see it or not, just writing this and knowing "YOU" are out there reading it....has helped......THANKS!

Friday, April 24, 2009

"Living And Dying In Three Quarter Time........."

Have you ever sat and listened to a song, and had to stop and listen to it again, and then just kept replaying it, and just were swept away by the lyrics, into the song. A song that captures how you feel inside, for good or bad, that expresses the essence of emotions that you don't want to, but have to admit?
Artist: Jimmy Buffett
Album: Barometer Soup
Track: Remittance Man
Another of his songs that hits home, but has more pop familiarity.
A Pirate Looks At Forty
(The version on "You Had To Be There")
Get past the 'Parrot Head' hype, and listen to some of the unplayed tracks on the older albums, the man is a poet and chronicler of the dreamer, the roamer, and the overlooked.
He is also a savvy entertainer and businessman, no doubt about it, but the lesser known stuff is really better in terms of content and meaning.
Okay, so I've developed a case of the 'melancholies' again...but, what the hell it's my blog, and nobody is paying me to write for them, so subject is my perogative!!.............LOL
see ya.........Dave

"Under Pressure................"

Good afternoon;

It's Friday and the library closes at 5:30, so even though it is such a nice day out, I'm going to sit here and make up for lost time, catch up on the news, answer e-mails and make an early post. I never made it to the clinic this morning, yeah I know..., but I feel dirty, and I am embarrassed to strip down and see the doctor like this, and I must admit, as I have said before, I really hate sitting in the ghetto atmosphere of the clinic, it is the same as sitting in the 'bullpen' at the jail.
I am feeling a little shaky still, so I'm going to take it easy as I can this weekend. I am so broke it is not even worth stressing over at this point, when I find out that I owe $11,980.56, and payment is expected within a month, or I am going to be 'Detained'...yeah that will help the money magically appear. I'm trying to survive on $185.00 worth of Food Stamps, and $185.00 cash a month, and my meds, which are my first priority, because I AM NOT going back to using dope, at any price..come first, no matter what!
So my attitude has to be..screw it..if I let it get to me, it'll kill me.......the consensus being that stress was the major cause of yesterday's near fatal blodd pressure spike. I talked to a doctor this morning, turns out that it is a good thing I did not realize just HOW serious the situation was, my cluelessness helped to keep me calmer and to allow my BP and heart rate to subside quicker.

I am supposed to go to Kat's Thesis Exhibition this evening, I don't think I can make it, for the same reasons I did not go to the doctor's this morning, well SOME of the same reasons, mainly I need a shower and my change of clothes is dirty...the waiting room discomfort does not apply, nor is the whole 'fear' issue applicable here.
I am extremely disappointed at this, and unless I can find some place soon to bathe, I am going to miss it. The irony here is that if I do miss it, I will be standing almost directly outside of where the gallery is, doing my 'Please Help' gig just up the street. It's Friday at rush hour and I would skip it for the show..but I am not going to the show feeling or looking like a bum, I could work around the shower, but my clothes are filthy, wrinkled, and smelly from being balled up in a bag waiting to be washed. I'm not going into MICA like that.
Don't Forget:
The Walk For A Cure For Lupus
tomorrow---Saturday April 25th
find details at my post
"Kat Scratch Fever"
or Kat's website
I was going to spill all the details that led up to my encounter on Monday with the police and the subsequent 'vacation' in Towson, but I am too tired, and do not really want to get started on a rant that may come back to bite me..I'll tell you all about it at a later date...maybe after this Starbucks finally closes up and the employees are dispersed to other stores that I will not be traveling to.....(just ask any teacher how a minor's petty comments can haunt them for a long time, one false accusation can do untold damage).
This Sunday is the last one that the library will be open until October, so I will be skipping at least one post EVERY week, not counting the occasional OOPS! day.
Ok I am gone for now..I should be back for a bit tomorrow, and possibly checking in just before closing today............see ya........Dave

Thursday, April 23, 2009

"Flying Solo..or..Hoping That When It Comes Time To Crash And Burn....Someone Will Be Around To Follow The Smoke Trail And Comb Through The Wreckage."

One last thought;
It can be a real kick in the face, when you're asked at discharge.....
"Is there somewhere you can go and stay and someone to look after you for a little while"........and you think for a minute,...and have to answer ..."no".
Next time you are with your family in your car, heading home...and see some pathetic looking homeless guy on the side of the road, imagine how it feels, on top of all the other issues he is dealing with, to be in a situation where you would have to answer that the negative.
Then come back and talk to me about pain and loneliness!
(sorry...that had a specific recipient)
See you tomorrow........ Dave

"Little Ironies...or...'No Good Deed Goes Unpunished'..."

Hey..I'm Back for a second with some trivial thoughts and comments;
Monday morning I was talking to Mayor Sheila Dixon about Starbucks closings and coffee....Monday evening at the opposite end of the store I am being arrested.
Everytime I find a cell phone and return it to it's rightful owner........I end up in jail, the hospital, sick as a dog but unable to get to the hospital, or losing a place where i was sleeping...(going back to some events that occurred before I started the blog).
Whenever I tell someone something in confidence, with the expectation of is broadcast, or revealed, as in "don't tell him I told you this..but......."....and when I WANT some information spread or disbursed...everyone is silent...LOL.
I was twice told by nurses today, that I "was the cleanest", and that I "was the best smelling" homeless person they had encountered.
Authorities cannot figure out how all the cell phones, guns, and drugs are getting into the prisons and jails...but as I sat in the "Bullpen" at the jail and the courthouse, people were laughing and bragging about it......anyone ever heard the words "undercover detective"...even if 85% of the stories are hearsay, and half are probably phony, too many are real, and the names of the guards doing this are well known BEFORE the busts and newspaper stories. Somehow..the proportions just don't seem to match up.
Hi Mary
If anyone who normally sees me in Starbucks does NOT see me there if a certain person is working,(or any other time I am usually there) and wants to get ahold of me for any reason..e-mail..please, or leave a comment here..or for those in the me,
I may not be in as much....circumstances, (and legal advice) may dictate an amount of avoidance. But PLEASE stay in touch..{you KNOW who you are folks..I need you guys}

"Like Morton Salt......'When It Rains....It Pours!!!!'...or........SH*T HAPPENS!!!!....[and happens,...and happens,...and happennnsssss!!."]

Good afternoon; thanks and appreciation to Nurses; Patti, Mike, and Alex; and Dr. Muldrew;...and Kareem-my personal gurney driver...LOL..(forgive any spelling goofs's been a long couple days), of NorthWest Hospital Center.
your kindness, courtesy, and compassion were a Godsend. was your day so far? I've had fact I've had better, weeks, months, years, and probably previous incarnations!!
I'm sitting in the Starbucks this morning, around 10:00 or so, and I had just finished a lovely roast beef sandwich on a fresh baked sub roll with mayonnaise and tomato, and some Pringles, this is a frequent favorite meal, and about 10minutes later I started feeling dizzy, lightheaded, and extremely disoriented. I put my head down between my knees, as one is directed to do in such situations, and it helped for a minute. Then the symptoms became much worse and I went to the bathroom and became ill, which again helped for a minute.
Then.. I got really, really, dizzy, and I could tell my blood pressure was through the roof, by the edema in my legs, and the pounding in my neck. The dizziness became severe and I became very nauseous, even though there was nothing left, and I could not walk with out this point I became scared as hell and asked the mgr. to call 911. They arrived and took me to the hospital, where I was admitted immediately to the ER, with a blood pressure reading of 220/109. I was given IV meds for nausea and to lower the blood pressure, which kept fluctuating up and down, still in the very high range. I've got to tell you this was very, very frightening, I mean I am a veteran of hospital trauma centers and ERs, and I have been through some pretty serious sh*t in my life, but I do not ever remember feeling so bad I was crying, (wishing I was dead, yes...crying, no). I felt like I was drunk, and hungover (at the SAME TIME)..and dope sick and in withdrawal, AND suffering from salmonella, all at once...and as I write this I am still a little woozy. At some point I must have fell out because I remember (vaguely) being injected with something and having oxygen administered.
After blood tests and Xrays came back..the official diagnosis was...."we dunno??", no direct cause or vector could be found for the effect! About 5:00 this afternoon I was discharged, with instructions to see my primary care provider..which at THIS TIME!, I plan to do in the morning...but we know how I can we'll see. I'm going to sign off now..I feel a bit weird again/still...hopefully I will be back tomorrow, and able to catch you all up with the drama at the Starbucks that led to my 'visit' to the detention and court system Monday through Wednesday,
I guess a little background would include revealing that it involved, a childish fit of ego and anger, and an attempt at revenge by a false police report being filed against me.......Stay tuned...LOL
OH YEAH!! I found ANOTHER cell phone last night, in the bathroom at the Giant, and while I was shopping the owner's daughter and I talked and she met me as I was checking out, and as I gave her back the phone, she handed me $6.00!
May be I'll start a business...."Who Ya Gonna Call?----Cell Finders!!"

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

"What we have heahh a failuh to communicate....."

So sorry about the missing days, I'll go into more detail tomorrow, suffice it to say, that I was an unexpected, undesiring, and unhappy invitee to a State sponsored pajama party, and Harry Houdini hardware demonstration exhibition!
I've only got a couple of minutes, so....
Did you know that one of the OTHER things that can really mess with the attitude and ability to cope, of the homeless person, (or anyone else SERIOUSLY affected by the recession), is the fact the the Md. State Child Support Collection Dept. (not it's official name), keeps on adding and accruing interest, and late fees, and other charges..NO MATTER WHAT......!!!
AND!!....even if THEY make an error sending a summons to non-existent or former addresses, even though every other govt. agency has somehow sent their mail to the correct is YOUR fault!!...
So I am tired and dirty, and sore; and I was sick and in pain because I could not bring my meds.........and I am out of time...but I am ok and I will be back tomorrow..........................Dave

Monday, April 20, 2009

" Nature's greatest green is gold, her early leaf's a flower..........'

Greetings to all;
It's raining again, and another day is shot to hell...which is not always a bad thing, I am about as energetic as a three toed tree sloth..(say THAT six times fast!!...LOL) today. I really did some walking Friday and Saturday..which is good, what is bad, is that I used to do ten times as much and not feel it, of course I also was doped to the eyeballs....I think it's a pretty fair trade-off......LOL...!

OK, there is a walk and rally for homelessness awareness this evening around 5:00pm in downtown Towson...the rain has got me locked in so I am not going to make it, but if you are in the area witha car....stop by..(and let me know what went on).
I'm waiting to hear from Alfredo, if he got his phone, I saw he read the blog...wants my clothing and shoe sizes,I have not bought new clothes for so long I do even know's usually been a process of..."here..see if this fits". I have always hated clothes shopping, even as a kid, I had one of "those" body shapes..EVERYTHING had to be altered, and then I hit puberty...HA!...and it ws welcome to ..Boys HUSKY World...and I swear that the designers who are given these sizes are being since sh*t rolls down hill...we 'chubbies' were never known as fashion setters...LOL. I remember this one matching shirt, pants and vest outfit, in purple, brown, and mustard yellow..yeah... Of course it was "the Sixties", and a lot of people in the fashion industry were fans of Dr. Timothy Leary.....hmmmmm..that does explain a lot!
Okay, to be serious for a minute. When Chris and I were downtown Saturday,we were approached by a couple, male and female, about in their late '20s or early '30s, looking like dirtballs, whose scam starts out with....."Excuse me do you know the address of a shelter or a soup kitchen?"....JUST SAY NO!!! and keep on going, these junkies ahve been doing this for at least 10 years, rotating in and out of jail and recovery houses as sentenced by a judge. If you stop, the lies start flowing, and it's hard to get away, people end up throwing money at them to escape. They did not know they were being overheard around a corner as they were counting their money, and saying "we've got $96.00 we only need an $104.00 more and we have enough to get high for tonight.
"TONIGHT"!! that is what set me off, I panhandle, you know that, and I will give somebody money to get well;... but just like the people who beg in places that allow homeless folks to sit out of the rain, with or with out buying anything...the only rule being NO SOLICITING,they ruin it for people who don't abuse the situation. Don't be conned!
I got to see Rachel Saturday morning and we played outside the Starbucks all morning. I sent her one of those animated E-greetings, and (with her mother's help) she picked out one and sent it back to me too. She is so funny!
Okay the connections are failing here right and left,,,gotta go .....Dave

Sunday, April 19, 2009

"Can You Hear Me Now?.....or Reach Out And Touch Someone!!...."

Good Afternoon;
What a busy, busy couple of days!
Friday evening I hit the corner and saw Michelle on her way home from work at MICA, it is amazing that in the two years off and on that I have been on that street, we have not seen each other. I acquired enough to wash and dry all my laundry..(on the HEAVY SOIL cycle....I was in dire need!..LOL), and even to buy myself a beer as I was waiting..I don't remember how long it's been since I sipped on a beer.....when it's been so long, the flavor seems better.
Saturday, Christopher wanted some company on his trip to the tobacco store at Lexington Market, so he offered me his shower in exchange for my also may have been self defense...I told you I was ripe...LOL.
We walked around the Harbor afterwards, and it felt so NORMAL, to not!! be carrying my sleeping bag and duffel around, and not!! getting "the LOOK".
I found a cell phone on the street and after I figured out how to work it called the most frequently called numbers and left messages asking them to cotact the owner and have him call me. He was already back in New Jersey by the time we made contact....
Hell it's closing time!!!
Real quick, I went to FedEx and got info for him, hecalled and pre=paid shipping...sent the phone back...doing the right thing feels good
said he'd send a gratuity.....and of course I said ok...but it was not until AFTER, I sent the phone back!!!!
yes ,I am proud of myself...LOL.......Dave..tomorrow!!!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

"permanent Press-ure......"

Hitting the great out doors;
see you all tomorrow;
24/7 laundromats are the place to meet some reallllllllly!! strange people in the middle of the night!!!!

Friday, April 17, 2009

"I Don't Have A Title "

Gut en Tag;
Yet another beautiful Spring day, I'll be heading out soon I just wanted to slip in a few thoughts and hellos.
As I was on the bus heading in town yesterday afternoon I ran into Mike/Leo on the bus to the Metro, and we chatted for a few minutes, and Again! he tells me of another run in with a cop, I pointed out that it was in a different area, and a different jurisdiction, and he says yeah ALL cops must have it out for him...I saved my breath.
When I was waiting for the Light Rail at Mt Royal station, an old guy, looking real beat up and down and out was asking people for any spare change, as he came closer I could see that there were mental health issues in his life. People either were saying no and brushing him off or pretending he did not exist. i felt both angry and guilty at the same time, angry for their treatment of him..and guilty for my own desire not to want to talk to him. As he walked past I reached into my pocket and gave him all my change, I really could not afford to do so, but I felt compelled to. What the hell, I had food and I could most likely, (I hoped) get at least 2 days worth of meds "on the arm" as we call it, 'cause my word and credit are good these days, where it matters.
So I end up standing on Mt Royal in front of the Gateway bldg. of MICA for an HOUR, and not one person stopped. I left because of a breakdown across North Ave. and I wanted to stay 'under the radar', while the police were there. It's just common sense and good manners, if you want to do something that is technically illegal, but can be overlooked..DON'T flaunt in their faces!
About 20 minutes later when the cops left i stood on the other side of North Ave. on the I 83 exit ramp, in the same amount of time I was given $21.00, (which paid my past bill for my meds, so I erased that debt, an have another 5 days worth at least).
The cars leaving the city, between 5:30 and 6:30pm are mostly higher value and luxury class vehicles, and the drivers APPEAR to be 90% white ,upper middle class and upper economic level, middle and upper management, and executive types...(my opinion).. suburban, middle aged, home owner types. Most of whom choose not to see me, or surreptitiously read my sign when they think I am not looking. In general people who do not know..or THINK they do not know anyone who is or will ever be homeless.
[From past experience, the hours of 2:30-5:30 pm. have a broader demographic, and are much more likely to help out, with money, food, blankets and advice, and to acknowledge a nod and a smile with the same at least. I would judge by the cars and the dress that these folks are acquainted with at least the cold fingers of poverty brushing the back of their neck from time to time.]
The cars entering North Ave. are a much more varied lot and even those in Mercedes, and BMWs are apt to give, even more so are folks who are driving moderate or economy level vehicles, and to offer hope, blessings and word of encouragement.
Okay, next, I spoke with Md. State Senator Bobby Zirkin today, where in the Starbucks, and offered him the address of the blog, he suggested I contact Del./Dr. Dan Morehaim, so I e- mailed it to him also....who knows maybe my ramblings will help someone else out of a hole.
I ran into a woman on the bus stop at North and Greenmount about 9:30 pm. last night...(yeah I know, but the 13 bus got stupid crowded and the dumb-ass driver decided to put a wheelchair on I got off until the next bus), and we were talking, and she said she had been there on the streets for a while previously, and we compared notes for a bit. Just before she got off the bus at Eutaw St., near Reservoir Hill, she wrote down her name and Phone # and said if I am ever really stuck to call her for maybe laundry and possibly a shower. This was an older white woman around my age, quite a surprise. Thanks Linda.
I e-mailed the blog to a couple job posts on CL for entry level writing jobs, don't expect anything...but...."one never one?"
I want to say Hi to Saleesha (???){I really ought to ask if this is the correct spelling..when one is hopelessly in love with the most beautiful woman in the world...the least he can do is spell her name right.....dontcha think?}
Well I'm outta here for now, I want to make the best of a Friday rush hour, because I'm going to the 24 hour laundromat tonight, and that'll use up the last of my fortune. I'm going to shower tonight or tomorrow, if I have to run through a car wash, it may kill me but I'll be a clean corpse!!!!
The library closes at 5:30 today so I probably will not be back...see you all tomorrow... and as always I thank you for reading, I hope you get some enjoyment out of it, and I am not averse to monetary showing of approval...LOL
..........BYE NOW........................DAVE

Thursday, April 16, 2009

"Growing Older But Not Up...Let The Winds Of Time Blow Over My Head............I'd Rather Die While I'm Living Than Live When I'm Dead"

Look at that day out there, God's patented and copyrighted anti-depressant!
Illegitimis nil carborundum!
Absolutely nothing material has changed in my life at this point, and no major improvements are looming over the near horizon. I'm just 'riding the high' from making a slew of new acquaintances by e-mail, and some praise from some old and new friends about some poems I had re-printed, (April is National Poetry Month, and I may treat/subject everyone to another sampling....LOL)). I am going to go out and 'seize the day' ...........back later.........Dave

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

"April Showers...or The Return Of Noah??..........."

It's been raining buckets, and I did not get anything done again today...EXCEPT!!, make a new online friend..Hi Jackie. For all the garbage that has come off of CraigsList, I have been blessed in my collection of new friends that I have acquired....I also have a lot of fun posting ads and watching the stupid folks come out of thae woodwork...(LOL).
The "slow" fellow came back into the coffee shop again today, and beagab asking people, very loudly and discretion here.., to buy him a cup of coffee. I gently told him that doing so would get him banned for soliciting, (and also that I really did not want his behavior to reflect on me and get me and the other homeless fellow who stopped in, in trouble with the management), got him a coffee and gave him some change. He's in the Code Blue shelter, I don't blame him for getting away for the day.
I watched one of the greatest comedies of all time today.."Some Like It Hot" with Marilyn Monroe, Tony Curtis, and Jack Lemmon...fantastic escape from the day.
I'm gone for now.....back tomorrow, hopefully with some thing relevant..or exciting anyway....(LOL).........Dave

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

"Hat Trick......."

I'm Baaacccckkkk;
yeah some days never seem to end they...LOL
I actually would like to slip into my shed and lay down and read or listen to the cheapo beat up Walkman knock-off I still have from my free all expense paid visit to the Baltimore City Detention Center..also lovingly referred to as "Castle Grey Skull"...but there is a lodge meeting on Tuesday nights and they share a parking lot with the empty building near me, so I either have to wait 'til after 11:30 pm. or so, or "be very, very I wuz hunting wabbitts"....LOL
I was just informed by a prostitute that since I was not a registered sex offender, she would like that I joined a "dating site" before she would "f*ck me"..(direct quote!!..LOL), because she had some 'bad experiences on CL, though she KNEW that I was not that type of guy... gee, I don't know whether to be honored or insulted...LOL
I was thinking of letting Blogger put ads on my site to make myself a few bucks, but is such a pain in the ass, and the payouts are per 1,000 would be easier if you all just sent me $1.00 out of the goodness of your hearts, and we'll call it even...OK?
Just E-mail me for a mailing address.....LOL.. NO SERIOUSLY!!..WRITE ME!!.....pretty please??????
Ok....I'm done for the no's closing back tomorrow.............Dave
P.S.........But in all truthfulness, I would like to have some correspondence with any one who is interested......DBC.


Welcome to the second shift;
I've noticed something in the past few times that I have went out with my little sign and stood on the curb, there have been almost no more cases of redneck morons shouting "get a job" as they head on by, often throwing beer cans or empty crack vials at me...most were construction workers, more than likely laborers, not skilled tradesmen, (from personal experience, I have found that the more experienced workers, with some time in the trade, have been more sympathetic and tolerant, whether they chose to donate cash or not, they often shared their lunches and gave bottles of water on hot days. Their having lived through a recession before, they were more sensitive to the possibility that someone they knew could very well end up in the same boat I am, and talking to them I learned that they were themselves often only 3 or 4 paychecks away from being caught up in the mortgage maelstrom. I talked to a lot of these guys last year on a daily basis who were working on one project or another in town, and would pass by on the way home, often in northern Baltimore County, or Southern Pennsylvania, and they said that the first to go when layoffs started were the smug self righteous loudmouths who had no real skills other than a weak mind and a strong back. I actually saw one of those guys at the D.S.S. one morning, I was going to go introduce myself, but I decided, why kick a man when he's down, and just kept looking his way with a kind of half-ass grin.....(I know, I know...never said I was perfect...but...better to let him wonder 'WTF?', than rub his face in it).

There is one guy, I think, but I'm not certain, that he is the man who lives under the pile of 'debris' next to the Light Rail by the old Union Station..see earlier posts..He takes a lawn chair and places it facing a wall ,or a monument, or statue, in the Mt Royal/Cultural Center/U of B/State Center area. He is only inches away from whatever he faces, and seems to tune out the world, or is living in his own world that only intersects our world at intervals, I took some of the sandwiches that were given to me and left them behind his chair. He did not acknowledge me, and I was trying for stealth, so as not to be noticed and embarrass or upset him,...but I saw him reach back and take one and begin to eat it, all the while still staring at the wall, and having his own quietly mumbled conversation.
Hermits, monks, and Holy men, through out man's history have a tradition of being fed and cared for this way......kinda makes you think how thin the line between genius and insanity really is. Being prone to periods of self enforced isolation, and having experienced the social and cultural 'shunning' due to pre-conceived notions of what "Homelessness" IS.....I felt for this guy, sometimes you take escape, however you can manage it. Sometimes it requires chemical assistance. For some, the creation of a place no one can reach, inside your own mind that becomes more real than this world, is the answer......that's what got me through the surreal ghetto world of prison.
I'm back again, the Ex brought Rachel to the library for a few minutes, I had not seen her since last week due to the Passover holiday, and we played Dress-up,'s some Japanese site and the 'Barbies' look like typical anime teen age girls of the 'Sailor Moon' mold....she had fun though, and the outfits!!! especially on the princess models...Jeez....I gotta get laid when io start getting turned on by anime..(no matter HOW hot they are....Bad Dave..slapslapslap).[LOL]
So I registered Rachel's Enoch Pratt Free Library card with BCPL, now I can use it to sign on when I use up all MY sessions...that's a minimum of 6 hours a day on the computer if I can get the time, and on a slow day, easily 9 hours!! Unless Rachel's here of course. Now I've got no excuse NOT to babble..LOL.
Yeah, but if it does not rain tomorrow, I've got to get to the laundromat! I've had the money for a couple days, just not the ambition..nothing like waiting 'til you put on the last pair of shorts and socks...LOL!
I may even hit the corner again, it's the 15th..payday...I'll take any advantage I can get, it's time to make arrangements for the next weeks meds, instead of waiting until the last dose and stressing out. And I gotta admit, as I've said before, there is something attractive and seductive about standing out there and talking to people and then having some of them give me money, Hell, I can even rationalize it to the effect that I'm doing them a service by letting either fufill an instruction or commandment to perform acts of charity, or, assuage their conscience for whatever reason they may have. I just stand in silent arms are twisted..nobody's gotta give anything....I just meet their eyes, smile, and incline my head in a nod of acknowledgement...and that is all I "EXPECT!!" in return.....anything else is up to you.
Oh..there is a new twist being added to the "ho-bots" who are replying to my CL ad..."Hi..My name is 'Bimborella' and I'm a little sound cute...hit me up".......once maybe,....but 4 of the same exact message with different names...RRIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTT!!!
I'm out of here for now.....I may be's one of those kind of days...LOL

"How Much Is That Doggy In The Window?.............."

Hello again;
So I'm back behind the keyboard again and it's a good place to be on a rainy Tuesday afternoon. It has been a fairly uneventful couple of days, seeing my grand daughter on Friday night is a tough act to top. Last night I saw "Mike/Leo"..( still cannot get a straight answer as to his name), and talked to him for a while, I had a bag of food for him and had to go to my "hidey-hole" to get it and he would not follow me on to that particular parking lot, because he says he's afraid of getting a trespassing charge from the police. Now everybody and their brother walks across this parking lot from the food store on the way to Reisterstown Rd. He acts paranoid and carries himself in such a manner that if you were to see him, you'd almost automatically think he was looking for something to steal or looking over his shoulder to avoid the police. I tried to explain to him that he's trapped himself in a vicious circle, a self fulfilling prophecy as it were...'look suspicious...and..people will suspect you', but he tries to rationalize it by saying that he is looking out against being jumped...(in the middle of an empty lot, with sight lines of 200-300 yards?, in a 7-11, peeking up at the mirrors and security cameras?). I could not get through to him. I found out that he had been on the streets for at least 10 years, having burned through many, many opportunities to get off. It now explains a lot. I also acquired another piece of the puzzle regarding his accumulation of trespassing, 4th degree burglary, theft, and 'bannings', and the 'grain of salt' with which I had already taken such revelations, (which were ALL explained away as being in the wrong place in the wrong time, mistaken identity, or police harassment,) turned out to be a fist sized crystal of Na can't con an old...
con(man). He wonders why the police look at me, and either say hello, occasionally engaging me in conversational questioning if it is late at night or some similar situation, or, basically ignore me as just a pedestrian. I neither love nor hate cops in general, and my first reaction upon being question, whether I (believe) am in the right or wrong, is NOT aggression, denial, and/or confrontation, just common politeness until I know the reason. Perception works both ways!!.
There was a fellow in the Starbucks this morning, homeless, and, it seemed, whatever the PC term is disrespect is intended...mildly retarded, he had made purchases and was just hanging out for a minute, saying hello to everyone and explaining that he could not work to day because of the weather. The kind of sweet but annoying person that after a few minutes you wish would leave,(and unable to pick up on social clues), but too nice to be rude to. He had used up the last of the cash on a Starbucks gift card and was sitting by the door as I went to step outside. He asked me if I had any change to spare and I told him no...I then motioned him outside and told him that if he continued to solicit in the coffee shop, the manager would ask him to leave, and then gave him a dollar. He asked if I was at the city's Code Blue shelter last night, and said I looked familiar from there, I told him no, but I was homeless also, and did not want to see him banned from the coffee shop, and he was like a grateful puppy.....Sometimes I seem to collect the 'needy' like fleas....LOL...and sometimes they are just as hard to get rid of....I mean Geez, I'll talk with almost everyone...but not 24/7...LOL!!!!.I'm still waiting to be "collected" myself...HA!
okay time's up for now.......more later, maybe...........Dave

Monday, April 13, 2009

Short and Sweet.................

Good evening;
Another one of those days where I did not get to the blog until closing time.
A quick couple of comments, I took advantage of Easter Generosity and Guilt, and hit the corner yesterday afternoon, and got enough cash to take myself out for a hot meal and a few drinks last night. I was given a big bag of goodies from the coffee shop this evening and searched out some of the local Pikesville street dwellers and passed it all out, gotta keep it moving down the line to be able to recieve more my self. Ran into an old neighbor who said, " I heard you're blogging about being on the street"...ah FAME!!...LOL.................bye..Dave

Saturday, April 11, 2009

"The Waiting Game........."

Sometimes just hangin' in and hangin' on can make all the difference, in the twelve step programs there is an adage that says.." don't give up before the miracle happens", and like most of them it is overused to the point of meaninglessness, but every once in a while, it rings true.
I've got my meds, and thereby my sanity, peace, and positive attitude. I saw my 1 year old grand daughter for THE VERY FIRST TIME last night, and my 4 year old grand son, thanks to the kindness and generosity of my son-in-law Tom. The weather last night was so nice I sat around outside until afterr midnight,talking with my friend Mike fom the Giant, reading and watching Criminal Minds on the portable DVD player. I slept reasonably well and woke up in minimal pain..(for me), and all the leaks in my 'shack' were either just beyond my sleep area or did not start to drip until I got up. the Giant overcharged me by $2.00 and just paid me in cash, while allowing me to keep the item, instead of putting the difference back on my card. My friend Lyn walks in the coffee shop and slips a $20.00 bill in my pocket and wishes me Happy Easter. My friend Chris let me shower and shave at his rooms and gave me a new tennis duffel bag, ( and the one I have just ripped pretty badly this morning). Oh yeah, I threw a buck to the State of Md. on the Keno and walked off with $4.00.........Okay it is a better day, you think?
Gotta go Times UP..................DAVE

Friday, April 10, 2009

"My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love.............."

Good morning;
And I say that only out of courtesy and politeness;
This is one of those days where every little thing goes wrong, the weather is gray as is my mood as depression rolls in along with the clouds, the approaching storm front and it's changes in barometric pressure have my sinus cavities and head throbbing, I cannot access my needed medication until after 8:00 this evening because someone made an error and forgot to leave it out for pickup, I won't be able to see Rachel for a few more days, the self-centered, spoiled little girl who works at the coffee shop is starting to PISS ME OFF!! with her attitude of intolerance and obnoxiously rude over-polite phony courtesy (yeah it's petty of me, but damn it is annoying...LOL), I woke up way too early..fell back asleep for way too long and missed a ride and then I did not get out to do what I wanted to in the morning, I woke up feeling like I had a hangover (without the benefit of getting blitzed the night before), I hurt all over, I'm exhausted, and I need to wash my hair and shower and I cannot coordinate schedules with ANYONE!! And all this is on top of the "normal" daily issues of physical and mental health and shelter and money...etc. (hell the only thing I don't have to worry about right now is food..other than the fact that my diet and eating habits are currently a form of gourmet suicide)........sorry about all that, anybody wanna split a sh*t sandwich???...(LOL)........ is actually a good thing I'm near broke, (with the money dedicated to meds), because I am in the mood to do something stupidly, outrageously expensively, self-destructive!!..(if I could work up the effort).
I thank you for letting me vent, at least I have this outlet, so many folks out on the street end up trapped in their own heads, and that can be an inescapable prison, as I well know. So if you get a chance to engage someone homeless in conversation, give them a break if they ramble a bit, and also, don't be surprised if the conversation is both deeper and higher level than you may have expected.
I'm gonna go screw around on CraigsList and answer some e-mails, and thentry to hit the street for rush hour, for a while.
If I cannot get online Saturday, I willl be back Monday, because the library is closed on Sunday..Happy Easter to all to whom it is appropriate.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

"Maybe Baybee....................."


So I had someone ask me, "What's in it for you?", referring to a possible newspaper article about me, my life, and my blog.

Good question, and one that I never really gave much thought to seriously. I was told that if something is to be written, it would require some depth and that I would be allowing my life to be open to examination and public review, and was I willing to reveal myself in such a way...After a period of intense deliberation,(about 43 & 1/2 seconds), I said, "Hell, Why not, I'm a recovering addict, convicted felon, homeless, and writing a blog on the 'net that is both confessional and self analytical,(at times agonizingly and annoyingly so..yeah I know that), most of my life is already an open book or matter of public record for those interested or motivated enough to, go for it." The only consideration I gave at the time towards compensation of any sort was the kick it gave to my ego that i might be interesting and/or relevant enough to be written about.....if you've read any of the past posts at all, you'll find the theme running through them relating to 'need/attention/loneliness/intimacy/transference/and substitution' in a fairly consistent thread. I also gave a stray thought to the idea of maybe finding a way to drum up someone's interest in my writing, nothing serious though.

Then I started thinking...(always a dangerous thing for me to striking a match to look for a gas leak!!!), and began to wonder what can I get out of this, if I lay my life out for inspection and opinion? I am not talking about mercenary monetary compensation..(but to be honest....if I was offered, I'd take it, with NO qualms...but there is no "expectation of"...).

But.."What Do I Want", or maybe, "What Would I Hope For"...'IF'??
A place to live for Rachel and myself!
Maybe some practical help in getting my head out of my ass.
Maybe some direct help in acquiring some housing that is not so bound up with, "restrictions, 'rules', regulations, strings, ties, head trips, guilt trips, cults of personalities, personality conflicts, bureaucracy and hypocrisy", so that all sense of independence of freedom is lost and that living in an abandominium seems like a viable option.
Maybe some help in finding some way to go back to school.
Maybe some vocational training, and a way be able to live until I finish.
Maybe some assistance in getting my medical and psychological issues resolved...(yeah..right,...I'll settle for 'treated'...LOL)
Maybe someone willing to back me in some sort of business venture, (as to what???), that would allow me to become self sustaining.
These thoughts and ideas are coming randomly, in no particular order or priority, [Except!!! for the first one!!], as I 'brainstorm'...(or brainfart..LOL.
In All Seriousness;
What I really would like to find, is someone interested, and who thinks I may have, or be able to be, SOMETHING, worthwhile to develop, and is willing ti invest the time to "take me by the hand" and guide me or mentor me, until I can stand, or at least lean, on my own...
AND..I don't care how childish it may seem..i just can't do it on my own.........Dave

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

"I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues....."

Good evening;
Yeah, I'm back again............wordy bast*rd..ain't I??..
So I'm here at the library and it's almost empty, and will remain this way through Saturday night, may pick up again, a bit on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but then it will be dead again 'til next Sunday. I just contracted a case of the 'blues', part of it is a 'letdown' effect from being hyped up and flowing with nervous energy about meeting with Jill Rosen, part is because it is Passover, the first Seder, and while I am not religious by any means, there are certain rituals and holidays and traditions I do enjoy. I met my Rachel here at the library this afternoon, just before I posted today's earlier message, and that is wearing off also, and I am not at a Seder with her. I want to be! The only real opportunities I had were at very or ultra orthodox households, and that just 'ain't a gonna happen!' as I am fond of saying. The only possible places where I would have felt a part of the 'family', happened to be logistically impossible.... que sera sera.....
This dis-connect is a common feeling out there on the street, many of us are estranged from family or friends, or simply have no one at all, (and yes sometimes it is our fault or our choice), but that does not lessen the loss or the pain. Well meaning people put together large community 'Feed The Homeless For Easter...(or Passover, though that is more a true 'open door' type of individual family or truly 'communal' dinner)..[or Christmas or Thanksgiving..etc.] at church or community centers, or gov't facilities. I've been to a few...never again...(or should I say "Nevermore"..this being E.A.Poe's final home)...for me, at least, it was as intimate as a feed lot at the stockyards, and about as aromatic, talk about depressing..."oh you poor folks, homeless on the eat..{just don't be here on Sunday when I come to worship,,,and stay out of my neighborhood the rest of the year}".......ok I've maybe over played it a bit..but only bit.......holidays can kill................outta time....Dave

"When Do We Eat??"

Hello and welcome to all;
..."I'll open the door for Elijah"
I had a meeting to day with a reporter from the Baltimore Sunpaper, we had a nice long chat, well I babbled on, she was kind enough to indulge my ramblings. We are planning to meet again, watch this space for further developments, I don't know exactly where this is heading..I'm just going to hang on, enjoy the ride, and hope that I'm thrown free of the wreckage when the smoke clears...LOL.

To tell you the truth, some recent comments from friends and readers have begun to fan to life the tiny little spark of hope, that I have always kept smouldering as an ember of secret desire, into a small flame of possibility, that someday, somehow, I might be able to do THIS!, to write creatively, as a way of life, maybe even make a buck at it. I have been starting, or at least trying, to look at my options for "Life After Homelesscide", you know when I get to be reincarnated as a (semi) productive member of society.

The people I am meeting through both this little blog, in specific, and the whole mis-adventure of being "Residentially Challenged" (yeah..there's a PC term for everything...LOL), in general, are both encouraging and somewhat shaming me,(in my own mind), to attempt to make a little more effort, and to expend some more energy to find a solution to my issues.

And I do have the desire and the if i can only work up the ambition and the courage....failure is a breeze, I know I can do and get away with that. It can be comfortable, in it's own small way. Succeeding, in and of itself is not that difficult always, either, what scares the sh*t out of me, is, well actually are, two things...having to repeat that success..and the 'what ifs' that go with it..w/ was a fluke, w/i...I can't keep it up, w/i...I let everbody down---again; and in my, at times, little child psyche, w/i...I embarass my self, w/i....they laugh at me.

Mix that up with depression, and general anxiety disorder, and all my good intentions and well thought out and practical plans are for nought. I am frozen in place and paralyzed by the debilitating PHYSICAL effects of fear and self doubt. It is hard to explain to those who have not experienced it, but I could sit down with you tonight and layout a game plan for tomorrow that is comprehensive, functional, and doable, figuring in places, times, transportation, and..'need of services' to be accessed, and by the morning, I could be raring to go, and actually dress and prepare for day, and in an little delay will come up, and then another will be rationalized...eventually the morning will be over, and all appointments will be missed...and a feeling of great relief will settle in....what I have not explained, is the shaking, sweating and sometimes uncontrollable vomiting, devolving into retching, that accompanies the former.
It is really much better, when through insomnia, and simple physical and mental exhaustion, I awaken,(after falling asleep 15 minutes before it is time to get out of bed), a total mess and just blow it,(the plans),off from the beginning, at least in most cases, in this situation I make an attempt to re-schedule.
Hell, maybe if I've got somebody following me around at times, I'll use the 'embarrassment' scenario in reverse psychology mode, and shame myself into not canceling out..LOL..(but seriously..I am wondering??)
Enough..I'm beginning to re-enter that circle in my mind again.
It is Peasch, (Passover), almost Good Friday and Easter.
The Last Supper was a Seder.
Escape from Bondage, Redemption, Salvation, Miracles.
Anticipating the Arrival Of....or Celebrating it.
Welcoming in those less fortunate to hear told the the story is not only a tradition, it is a Commandment.
Two powerful religions, on two of their most sacred Holyday periods.
I, for all the crap I deal with, inside and outside of my head, are (for now) in a pretty damn good place, ...there are thousands who do not have the skills or abilities to go online and bitch, so at times, and this is one, I presume to speak for some..............
Please..just frigging acknowledge that homeless..bum/drunk/junkie/retard/phony/father/brother/son/veteran/dreamer/
Before you look away, make eye contact, nod back....
Give what you choose, where you choose, and how you choose..or not, it's ok.
But Please......LOOK AT ME..I EXIST!!
Chag SaMeach........God Bless........................Good Night....Dave