Tuesday, March 26, 2013

"Dealing With PTSD...... But From The OPPOSITE Side Of The Mirror!...................."

Good Evening;
Well.... right after my last post on the 14th I got a text from Jenn saying he mail got there and she was sending something down to me in Mt. Washington by way of her cousin, (my niece through marriage # 1), who works at the Mt. Washington Tavern.........

It was a portion of my accrued S.S.I."back benefits" from S.S.A.!....
And of course in typical 'Dave's Lack-a-Luck' style I got it 2 minutes after the banks closed,
and there was no check cashing store open I was able to get to in a neighborhood where I wanted to wait on a bus stop with 2 Grand in my pocket....lol!
So... I ended up sleeping on the library sidewalk with the check tucked away in my shorts...lol!


I'm over Jenn's and have been here since last Wednesday night, and spent the 5 nights before then, Friday the 15th through Tuesday the 19th in a motel. I'm looking for a cheap week to week or month to month room while waiting to find out about what housing assistance I will be receiving.

I went and bought needed socks, jockey shorts, jeans, and even a pair of boots and sneakers, all on sale and clearance priced......and under $100.00!! Of course if I had went shopping with only $100.00, none of it would have been on sale....lol!

I really have not been in a mood to write in the past 2 weeks, now that I have my S.S.I., and actually have money in my pocket. I have not been able to find a cheap room in a decent neighborhood, where there were dozens available when I could not make the rent. I'm also
going through a type of 'post-partum depression' too, kinda like the after holiday letdown one experiences when the tree comes down and the tinsel is gone.
A large part is that it still hasn't sunk in yet, and until I actually DO have a place, ANY place to call home, it probably won't be able to. And I keep waiting for the dream to end, to wake up and find out that it WAS just a dream, and I didn't really get anything.

I know it is strange, but for a long time all I had to hold onto as an identity and a defense against totally losing ALL hope, was this image of  "the Homeless Blogger", that through
their honest and innocent  praise and encouragement, a lot of people helped me build as a facade. And now.....I have to figure out...... What do I do, and where do I go, next?

More Soon,

{And now I've also got to delete the disclaimer to your left real soon......lol!}

Thursday, March 14, 2013

""Pressure" Relief.....At Last!............."

Good Morning;
So....Made my appointments at HCH yesterday and talked with my caseworker/MH counselor about housing options. We are still weeks maybe months away from getting the Section 8 vouchers approved so I think that my best choice will be to rent a small, cheap furnished room or possibly apartment on a weekly or month to month basis until everything is settled and I can make a rational decision without the immediate overwhelming pressure to find shelter hanging over me.
More as that develops.

I spent a good 40 minutes with the doctor and got my BP meds, muscle relaxer, Zantac, and iburofen 'scripts filled...hooray!! Then went to the Phleboto-Vamps and gave enough blood (for tests) to float the Titanic. My Medical Assistance is STILL not active but I was placed in the PAC program (without my knowledge or any notification by mail as is required....great work D.S.S.....NOT!!!!!!
The M.A. should kick in with the S.S.I. benefits, but may take months I am told.
The doc also mentioned that she was scheduling my follow up visit next month with one of their doctor's who CAN write a 'script for the Buprenorphine, and who MAY be able to understand that I don't need to come in every damn day for a single dose, and write the prescription for 30 days, which is the onlyway I'll deal with them concerning the matter.

Still NO MAIL!!! at Jenn's.


"So THAT'S Why It's Called 'Snail Mail'...................."

Good Morning;
(For some reason this did not get posted on Wednesday...stupid library computers!)
Well.......The waiting game continues, if it wasn't way the hell out in East BumF*ck, I'd be camped out at the base of Jenn's mailbox! Relying on S.S.A. via the U.S.P.S. for monies approved but not yet disbursed/received is a classic example of,
.........."frustration"......... lol!

'Just Be Patient' you say? Revel in the anticipation? Ummm, Hello! 'Delayed Gratification' is not in my vocabulary! This is Dave, remember, formerly a "factory sponsored player" for the "Team Cocaine" franchise..........LMAO!

Anyway, today I have an appointment with both my mental health/housing caseworker and then with a Medical Doctor at HCH, at 1:00 pm. and 2:00 pm. respectively. I have a bunch of questions about housing options available to me, and the further role of HCH in my life after I end up with housing...(soon, very effing soon, I hope!!)... and access to their services.

Stay tuned for more updates and a real post once my nerves chill out a bit. I can't really think to write or attempt to be creative just now.



Saturday, March 9, 2013

"The Fat Lady Is Practicing Her Scales......... Concert Date To Be Announced!!!!.................."

Good Afternoon;
Well..... It's been a busy week. I went over Jenn's on Tuesday to escape the snowstorm, (and up there in the country it really DID snow!), and stayed until Friday afternoon. I'm heading back out there this afternoon with Rachel to monstersit the grandkids tonight, then back here to the library to sleep on Sunday.

On Thursday I rode in with Jenn and Devin to her speech therapy appointment. Just before we stopped in to the S.S.A. offices at Reisterstown Road Plaza to take care of one little detail.... .........................a teeny tiny bit of paperwork that needed to be completed.
Which just happened to be......



More info to follow in the next post, I've got to hit the buses now.
There's a lot of weird thoughts and emotions rattling around in my head right now,
and I've still got meetings at HCH on Wednesday the 13th to see about housing qualifications, and I'm supposed to see a medical doctor there too. Now I'm wondering where and when my services will be continued, and if I should stay with JAI?


Monday, March 4, 2013

"All Right March, .....Enough With The Lion....I'm Ready For The Lamb!................"

Good Evening;

So.... Cold, Windy; Cold, Windy; Cold Windy, Cold, Windy.
Library-Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks, Library.
Library Sidewalk, Library Sidewalk, Library Sidewalk, Library Sidewalk.
That's 4 days of Weather, 4 days of Daytime Locations, 4 days of Where I Spent The Night.
And now you are caught up on my past 4 days from Friday morning through tonight, (Monday).

Tomorrow, Tuesday, at some point in the afternoon I am going up to Jenn's hopefully ahead of the coming snowstorm, to spend a couple nights and days. Then on Thursday Jenn is coming with me to a meeting at the Reisterstown Road Plaza Social Security Office, (details to follow after).

Tuesday will be partly here at the library, then maybe partly at the coffee shop, then possibly on the Light Rail to Hunt Valley, depending on where and when I am meeting Tom for the ride out to their place.

I realized one thing this weekend at the coffeeshop where it was a continuation of "alumni weekend/old home week" as much as I loved the apartment in Canton, I really needed to be out meeting and talking to people to combat the insidiousness of my own particular brand of mental illmess. It's a delicate balance between comfort and crazy and creativity inside my head.


Friday, March 1, 2013

" Comments....... Kind Words...... Confessions....... &......... Klutzy Me................ "

Good Morning;

Well.....First I need to say "Thank You!, Elise", for the lovely comment and birthday wishes you sent me as a COMMENT to the previous post, ("Birthday Wishes NOT Birthday Fishes....."), the personal contact means a lot and I truly appreciate the time and effort you took.

 [ -- Damn! Damn! Damn! -- ]
  { ---  Elise...So Sorry....I accidentally deleted your comment as I was trying to remove your email from public view and I cannot undo my error. If you could please repost your comment on the same post and share your story with everyone that would be great, and anyone still struggling can see that there is hope.
(and e-mail me in private if you don't want your e-mail address to be public,
 my e-mail address is in the Header at the top of the blog page,

I would appreciate it, and again..... sorry about this.) --- }

One thing I do have to say is that while I am now clean with a quite  respectable number of years of sobriety to cushion me, I too still feel the consequences of nearly 30 years of cocaine and heroin addiction. I have never denied my part in the many and convoluted circumstances that led up to and more damagingly, have kept me being homeless for this long. While drugs themselves no longer have any 'direct' effect on my life their long term usage stripped me of my safety net and most of my family, and have left indelible and irreversible damages on mind, soul, & body. And as time goes on and many of the physical, emotional, and mental trauma has faded and lessened, I will never be totally free of their memories and scar tissue.

So I am happy you have gotten the chance to stop the destructive slide so early. All recovery is good recovery!
And I would love to meet you and your fiancee for coffee some time....write me.

Well... between my grandson, my son-in-law, and getting soaked on Tuesday, ...
I have a lovely case of chest congestion. You know the type, where the cough is known as 'productive' in medical terms.... but the mucous is so thick and heavy that with each hacking, chest wracking, (but satisfying!....lol), cough that occurs there is an
uncontrollable and instinctive reaction to double check the chunk of phlegm, just to be sure there's not a hunk of lung attached!

Wednesday night was warm and I sat up and read until, near 2:00 am. and slept like a log...well as well as a log with prostate issues may have slept...lol, only getting up once between 3 hour sessions of real solid sleep. Thursday dawned a good bit colder, and windier and Thursday night was much colder and I slept poorly. Plus I could not get my 'pillow' folded, wrapped, and rolled right, it was either hard as a rock or too damn high for my shoulder, (in which I somehow ended up with a pulled muscle in my sleep a couple/three nights ago!), and kept kinking my neck.... so I'm tired and sandy-eyed just now.

Anyway, I have been in the library Wednesday, Thursday, and I'm about to leave here soon a s it closes early on Friday.  I'm on my way to the Giant to scrounge something to eat with my last $3.00 (until tomorrow's TDAP!!!), and then to the Starbucks.
(I really need to find another laptop or a tablet soon, the weather is changing and I want to get outside more, and the craptop I have has given up the ghost at last.)