Sunday, May 30, 2010

"Winnie The Pooh And The Cloudless, Careless, Clueless, Pennilesss Day......................"

Good Afternoon;
Well I was totally without anything to do today so I ended up just laying around in the shed until after 1:00 pm. sleeping, watching 'Two And A Half Men' episodes on the DVD player until the battery died, and thinking. The fact that I sat outside reading until 3:30 am. may have had something to so with it, though I did wake up at 8:00 am. I went back to sleep on and off for a few hours.
I went to the Giant and spent my last $2.58 on some deli that was on sale and a tomato and a 1/2 gallon bottle of orange drink. With the leftovers from yesterday that I have and the few pieces of pastry I was given last night, that is food that must last until Wednesday.
As you can tell, I made it to the library in Towson today, (Sunday), it shows just how alone and isolated I feel and how bored I am, (I also needed to get some more books to fill the next two I took a bus, the subway, the light rail, and another bus to get here, and I will be taking a bus and the light rail to go to the Starbucks when the library closes in 15 minutes.....yep, I spent almost 2 hours of riding and waiting, (due to Sunday/ Holiday schedule), just to come and spend 30 minutes at the library to say hello to all of,
I forgot to tell you what happened at the the shed on Friday night when I returned, after spending the previous day, and night, and day, and evening at Jenn's.
As I pushed open the door, trying to catch the shims I use to wedge the door shut, an explosion of feathers surrounded my head and a frantic bundle of beak and claws dive bombed me, smacking into me and knocking off my hat, and disappearing out the door into the night squawking furiously.
It turns out this damn dumb bird fell through one of the holes into the shed and could not get out. It must have been in there all day and night at least, there were feathers all over the place and rips and tears all over the paper backing of the insulation where it tried to escape!
It scared the hell out of me so much I almost wet myself!....LOL!
Okay, closing time,
enjoy the holiday, and
God Bless our Veterans.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

"My Old Pal Sal"..........(And I Don't Mean Litvak).........Or.............."Driving Miss Crazy"

Good Afternoon;

Miss me?

Well, I left here Thursday to go over Jenn's and babysit and ended up spending the night...all day Friday and Friday evening...ended up leaving 9:30 pm. that night. Not the 3 hours or so I was originally expecting. It was a good thing too, Jenn had some color work done on her tattoo and due to the large surface area, her body was responding pretty strongly, so I let her rest and dealt with the kids that night and morning. It hit 92 degrees Thursday and was humid and nasty out, so I was happy to be inside. Then there were some hellacious thunderstorms that night. A bolt of lightning hit on or right next to the apartment building and literally shook the walls. Things fell off of shelves and the shock wave could be felt! the power flickered but stayed on though. I was worried that the shed door would be blown open by the wind and things would be blown around inside or soaked by the driving rain, or that lightning would ignite the highly flammable, wasp and hornet spray drenched insulation poking out of one of the many cracks in the walls. When I went back there to sleep late last night there was no change from how I left it though.

I think I may have had a slight touch of food poisoning, most likely from cross contamination of the chicken I got Wednesday night. Having had a serious case of Salmonella before and other minor bouts with food borne illness before, not to mention the similar symptoms caused by heroin withdrawal, I am familiar with the actions and reactions of my body in the initial stages and onset of the disease. I luckily had some unexpired antibiotics and as soon as I was fairly certain that 'It was what it was' as they say, I took them along with a dose of my 'bupes', and then again later with some Loperidine, (generic Lomotil/Immodium), and lots and lots of water to counteract the dehydration that can come along with it. Luckily I was at Jenn's and she had a fresh package of, but I caught it before the stomach spasms began to become uncontrollable and the 'other, or opposite' reaction got out of control also.

When I had the major case of Salmonella, (we were cleaning out the walk-in freezers prior to closing for the winter season...{yeah they used to do that in O.C. in the "Olden Days; When Ma and Pa used to buckle their own wheats"}.....[Hi Patti...LOL!!......sorry, private joke]at the restaurant I worked in, [The Lookout, at The Fenwick Inn], and I must have not washed up properly before we ate.), back over X-mas of 1980 I was stuck in Ocean City Md. and drove back to Baltimore to see my Doctor...stopping every few mile to 'evacuate' my system, it took 6 hours to get home and there was no traffic on the road! The very first thing the doctor did was dose me with Paregoric...AKA, 'camphorated tincture of Opium'...(and this was before I developed a taste for the more refined immediately shuts down the motility of the gastro-intestinal system, (and gives real meaning to the expression "feeling all warm and fuzzy inside".....LOL!!!), and the very anti-biotics I happened to try to keep on hand.

Anyway, I nipped the food poisoning in the bud, so I was able to function normally, well as normal as I ever am.

Okay, we are back in the present again. I just had a run in with the crazy old white haired evil psycho witch/bitch who frequents the library. She is the one who talks to herself and mumbles at black folks or the obvious Frum, Jewish Yeshiva boys, that there are computers 'at the Enoch Pratt library in the city' or 'at Hebrew University', for them to use. She lays claim to a chair and switches it around from computer to computer as she goes. She also bitches, moans and complains rudely and foul-mouthedly if someone near her bumps her or coughs or sneezes.....she is a real piece of work. Well she walks over to the desk where I have my bag and I am recharging the DVD player and where my grocery bag is sitting. She hits and pushes around my bag of food and starts ranting about no one being there, and on and on and on, and starts to paw through my groceries. By this time I am up from the computer and about to deck her, (but common sense took hold....damn-it...LOL!!!), and I went to ask the librarians who is the boss today and made a formal complaint. I called the security guard over, who happens to be an acquaintance and who knows this nut case for what she is, and he took her aside to speak to her. well you cannot reason with a closed mind, so he told her to quit acting out or leave. 5 minutes later, at the computer next to hers, the librarian is helping a man with a problem so the space is a little bit cramped, but not unreasonably so. She starts elbowing this elderly black man from the islands and cussing and mumbling insults and complaints. the librarian tells her to just be patient and she slams the chair at the desk picks up her heavy coat, (which she wears every day over another coat and a sweater....and she always smells like pee, but that's another folks who come to the Pikesville library know EXACTLY who I mean!!), and storms out, complaining about hows her rights have been violated and ....get this "people's lack of courtesy"....ROTFLMAO!!!!!

Okay, I'm out of here for now, I guess I'll go to the Starbucks and see if Ashley is working. I'll be back on Tuesday when the library re-opens, (unless by some odd chance I go to Towson tomorrow afternoon, or run into someone with a laptop.

I'm just going to try to find someplace cool and free, (that's the problem with 'end of the month holidays and events....the month and the money are never in 'sync', to hang out, or try to look for a way to crawl into a pool, pond, stream, river, lake, ocean or the Bay and sink down until just my nose and eyes are above the is supposed to be 91-93 degrees on Sunday and Monday.
I have until Wednesday the 2nd to try to survive on $1.00, so I'm open to any offers to attend a cookout or BBQ.
Or a movie, or any other thing anyone wants to donate.
Like Mick and the boys sang,
"Ain't To Proud To Beg"
(That's Jagger and the Stones, for the musically uninformed)
( You know...."The Rolling Stones"......sheesh, these youngsters today......LOL!

Enjoy the Memorial Day holiday.....

and REMEMBER why we are able to be both here and free!

and the sacrifices made by those who fought and died,

and those who still carry the scars, external and internal,

and those who have been forsaken and forgotten.

Happy Memorial Day


Thursday, May 27, 2010

" King Lear-Act III; Scene IV...............AND.....................Poultry In Motion......"

Good Morning;
Today's quote strikes deep, so I am repeating it here for posterity, since the quotes are beyond my control or choice.
Who knows what true loneliness is—
not the conventional word, but the naked terror?
To the lonely themselves it wears a mask.
The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion.
Now and then a fatal conjunction of events may lift the veil for an instant.
For an instant only.
No human being could bear a steady view of moral solitude without going mad. – Joseph Conrad (1857-1924)

As was probably noticeable, the veil was lifted for me for a short time recently. And as Mr. Conrad says, it cannot be borne for long. Little events, situations, visions, circumstances, etc. can again drop the shield thus ameliorating some of the pain. A simple communion with the natural world, restoring the sense of wonder. A touch, a word, a smile, reaching out and re-securing one's connection with humanity. Any and all of these things can direct the footsteps away from the path that can only be walked alone. One that leads to one of two ends, both of which entrap the soul, either within the confines of a shattered and broken mind, or a pine box.

So it is hot already again, the shed get the full morning sun and was becoming extremely uncomfortable by 8:00 am. Of course I did not sleep last night and wanted to sleep in this morning. Why are we having July weather in May? By midsummer the shed is unbearable by 7:00 am. and unusable until 1:00 am.
I saw Monkee last night and have my 3 'bupes' to last until next Wednesday, so that is one stressor gone. I am supposed to be heading to Jenn's later and shower and I hope, to do a load of wash, while I babysit...with A/C and TV!!!! And coffee and a meal.

I also visited the 'fried chicken dumpster' about 10:30 last night, and had a hell of a time!
So....I've got 3 large breasts in one hand and a nice, thick, juicy thigh in the other....
Get your minds out of the gutter, we're talking about fried chicken here!!!..........LOL) ....and I had a mouthful of hot and spicy burning my lips and tongue when this "not even a 'wannabe', just a 'nevergonnabe', fake ass, dumb ass, failed the Balto. City Police Dept. AND! the Dept. of Corruptions entrance exams...(and look at some of the people who passed, and think how stupid one has to be to fail...LOL!)...brain dead, clueless, pretentious idiot of a rent-a-cop" comes out from behind another dumpster zipping his pants and pulling out his baton..(the flexible, extendable metal naughty person!...LOL!).. yelling at me to "drop and get on the ground" .. (seems to me that if I 'dropped', that getting on the ground would be a moot point? Hooray for redundancy!...LOL).. and rushing at me with his baton in the air. I told him that he was out of his effin' mind if I was going to get down on the filthy, greasy mess around the dumpster and what the hell was his problem. He started swinging his baton, lost his balance on the grease from all the years of sloppy employees missing the dumpster and the baton went flying in the dumpster, along with his radio which was in his other hand, as he flailed and swung his arms around trying to catch his balance. He started cussing at me and threatened to arrest me and pulled the 'race card' in his derogatory comments. I said arrest me for what, B&E...Breaking and Eating, RDW...Robbery with a Delicious Weapon? He starts sputtering that "he's gonna get me" and teach me a lesson....I say "go ahead, and don't forget to're on 'Candid Camera'..." and point at the 3 security cameras on the walls. He starts to reach into his pants and falls in a puddle of 'dumpster drainage', still struggling to get something out of his pants, By this time I figure it's a smart move to leave...rapidly! The only thing I can imagine him going for is a gun. I hit the button for the compactor on the dumpster and unscrew the control box and drop it in a pool of 'Yeecchhh' and tell him 'don't forget to tell your bosses what happened to your radio and slapstick', and head for the bus stop across the street because I see the bus coming around the corner. As I leave the trash enclosure, there are 2 cops standing there listening and watching and laughing their heads off, I say, "I think he has a gun", and keep on truckin'. As I am getting on the bus I see the cops have the 'rent-a-moron' up against the fence and are handcuffing him. I saw one of the cops early this morning as he was going home at the end of his shift. He happens to know who I am and we are on cordial terms. He says they heard the whole thing and were making jokes all night about it. How the guy was gonna arrest me for..'Disturbing The 3-Peace' and for 'Carrying Concealed Poultry', and then I could be 'Fried and Convicted' for 'Assault and Battering'....I laughed so hard I though I was going to get sick.....LOL!!!!
Okay, I'm on my way to Jenn's......................later....Dave

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

"Another Day.........Another Doughnut!....."....................OR.............."Running Up That Hill"...................."

Good Afternoon;
Another warm day, but at least the humidity is down, (or was), it was actually more humid in the Starbucks, though cooler, than out on the patio earlier.
I closed the library last night and sat out by the First Watch reading until after Midnight. I then stopped at the gas station to use the facilities and chat with my friend Daniel from Kenya, who is the night attendant there. If the 'usual suspects' are not there playing Keno or Racetrax, we usually talk most nights. He was a journalist for KBC the State run media outlet, and has had some interesting stories on the way reporting of events were slanted by the government.....But I digress. I ended up reading until about 2:30 am. in the shed and woke up about 5:45 am and rushed over to the Giant and danced in front of the doors until they opened at 6:00 am., and raced to the was a! I went back to the shed lighter in mind and in body, and went back to sleep about 8:00 am. and got up again around 10:30 am., I lay there until about Noon, then got up and jumped on the #59 bus that was stopped at the light. I called Jenn, hoping to stop by for a cup of coffee, a meal, and a shave, but she wasn't home so I stayed on the bus, which was changing routes to the #60, and went to the Mt. Washington Starbucks. I'm glad I did, because when I was crossing the Smith Ave. bridge I glanced down at the Jones Falls and saw 3 Red Eared Slider turtles sunning themselves in the shallows, amidst a few schools of minnows and a couple dozen very young tadpoles. I stood on the bridge for a good 45 minutes watching and feeding them. (FYI--- The turtles prefer powdered sugar or cinnamon 'Dunkin Munchkins' to the glazed chocolate cake I also watched the acrobatics of some sort of flycatching bird, most likely a purple martin, or tree swallow, going back and forth, up and down the stream, and in and out and through the bridge below me. The quantity and variety of wildlife I have observed here is truly amazing when you stop and consider that this is right on the city/county line.
Anyway, I used my 'last chance - break glass in case of emergency - caffiene withdrawal use only', $1.75 remaining balance on my Starbucks gift card and then the free refill credit on my other, (registered - with a $0.53 balance for this very purpose...refills only), Starbucks card to knock back a few mugs of coffee and wash down the remaining doughnuts from my late night 'cruller crawl' before I hit the shed last night. I left there about 5:00 pm. and came here to return a book and check my e-mails we are again.
I guess you can tell that my mood is somewhat lighter today. I think that the easing of the clinical depression and the making of a decision to somehow, take a trip to somewhere, sometime in the fairly near future has helped. I am still stressed by outside and external influences, and the angst and anguish of solitary versus solitude is still bearing down on me like a second grader with a No. 2 soft lead pencil taking a standardized test, but I am laughing at things again.
Okay, I'll be back tomorrow at some point. I have to run down to Monkee's and hope my credit is still in good standing and she has enough to spare, so I can get my meds up until I get some cash on the 2nd of next month...Wednesday, isn't it?
If not...well, let's not go there yet.
Tomorrow I'm pulling guard duty for Jenn in the afternoon with the little
At least I'll get a shower and a coffee and hopefully something besides pastry to eat!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

"What's the BUZZZZZZZ.........OR............From Apiary to Aviary.....Again!.........."

Good Afternoon;

So I just met another long lost relative. My cousin Harriet, (granddaughter from my Grandfather's hidden first marriage), stopped by the library with her son Mark(c?), and we met and talked for an hour or so.

It helped a bit to have someone to talk with, and has been a factor in lightening my deeply black mood to a dark gray. The clinical depression is also bottomed out for this cycle and is beginning the long slow climb up the steep and slippery slope towards 'neutral buoyancy'.

I seem to have caught up on some much needed sleep, and although the time slept was increased only slightly, it was apparently much more restful, raising the mood level from 'suicidal/homicidal' to merely 'shitty'....(LOL).

The idea of a 'road trip' is growing stronger and more intense each and every day.

The destination varies from minute to minute, (or from psychoses to, there are times I want to head south to Florida and try to hook up with some of the 'boat people' I used to know, at other times I want to just start out with a bus ticket "west" and just roll with it....and on the really dark days I think about going to Ocean City, starting at the beach, and walking east. This isn't planned as a permanent departure as of yet...(except of course the hiking trip to is still Rachel here in Baltimore.

I just have to get away from this place for a while, (on something other than a 'State sponsored vacation'!!....LOL!). Keep watching this space for more updates as of June 7th, when a decision will be forthcoming. With out a passport or driver's license available, limitations arise as to both destination and mode.

Last night I closed the library and wandered over to the Dunkin Donuts and filled a bag with a few friters. apple buns and a bagel from the dumpster. That is today's meals as of this point. I spent $1.25 out of my last $1.97 on a cup of coffee, (the machine was broken yesterday and I never did get any coffee), so I am down to 72 cents in liquid assets. (and a can of diet orange

When I went into the shed about 11:30 pm. last night I used up almost the whole can of Wasp and Hornet spray, soaking the insulation and the backing paper and sticking the nozzle down inside to soak down the nest/hive. The buzzing got insane for about a half an hour, then at random intervals as latecomers returned to the site, finally silencing completely about 1:00 am. I was watching "Two And A Half Men" on the DVD player until the battery died, and then i either fell asleep or passed out due to the toxic fumes. When I rapped on the paper this morning there was no noise behind it at all.

Although......a New group of birds decided they wanted to try to take up housekeeping in one of the other gaps in the walls of the shed this morning around 5:00 am., perhaps because of the lack of bees? I banged and slammed and threw things at the roof until they stopped coming back, about an hour later.

Who knows what will await me when I return tonight, if they took advantage of the absence of distractions to establish squatter's rights' or not.

I guess I am going to just stay here at the library as hot and humid as it is outside. It is now projected to be in the low 90's tomorrow and Thursday, so that looks like the plan for the next few days....just f*cking lovely, between the heat and the fumes and the waterbugs, the shed should be delighful.

I guess I'll call Jenn and see if I can scrounge a meal tomorrow and kill some time there possibly, Iknow I'll be sick and tired of donuts by then, and it's too hot to go stand in line at one of the soup kitchens. 8 and 1/2 days to go until I see if my money came through.

I'm done for now...............later.....................Dave

Monday, May 24, 2010

"The Birds And The Bees???"............And...."Somethings Gotta Give"......."

Good Afternoon Again;
So I also had a visit from red ants last night, they looked like the fire ants I know from Florida, but I was not about to let myself get bit to test the theory! Why this spring after 16 months in the shed of only having a single episode of insect problem am I now being overrun? Could it be that the baby birds falling into the walls and dying, (around the same spot as the hive), have attracted these unwanted guests? The shed is starting to deteriorate much more rapidly, and everytime it rains hard the walls where the trees and vines are growing through open up more and more. It is a real bitch because of the location of the shed . It is pretty much centrally located in the area where I spend most of my time, other than the coffee shop, and that is becoming less and less a desirable destination anyway.
It seems somehow fitting that this is happening now for some reason, I have sunken into a black depression and it is being exacerbated by outside events, situation and influences. Hitting rock bottom financially with 8 days to go before I even know if I'm getting any more cash, out of Foodstamps and food of any kind, the projected weather forecast of temperatures in the upper 80's and high humidity, 'bupes' for only 2 more days, not being able to take Rachel out, and her being sick on top of it all is bearing down on my mind. Someone special having a birthday and not being able to do something special for her bothers me. And of course the imagination works overtime to produce and manufacture scenarios and situations that may or may not occur, but which keep springing up in any case. And of course the 2 really big things that are eating me up, the conflicting or at least contrasting feelings of deep and painful loneliness, paired with the ever increasing desire just to have a little place where I can be safe, secure, minimally comfortable......and,........alone.
The Baltimore Magazine story had a line about..."showing signs of real mental illness", well this is what they were talking about. This and the increasing incidence and severity of anxiety/panic attacks. I isolate as much as possible when these are imminent and I have the opportunity, so the majority of them are unseen. But they are coming more often with no warning. I am just so tired of everything right now, and the effort of keeping up the facade is becoming too much.
What scares the most is that I losing my sense of humor, even in the blackest of times I could find something, even if it was ironic, to laugh is becoming harder. and the temper is getting shorter. I need a change, or a break, or a rest, or something, and damn soon, I think.
Out of time, I'm done for today. Ithink I may stay and close up the library, I really don't feel like bussing it today.

"Buggin' Out!..........................."

Good Afternoon;
It's one of those confusing weather days, one minute it seems comfortable, the next it's humid as hell. Massive banks of cloud drift across the sun and the breeze picks up and sitting in the shade I begin to think about changing out of my shorts into jeans. The next instant the sun reappears, the wind drops and I am soaking wet again, and when I walk into the A/C in the library I get chilled. A totally schizophrenic day to match my schizoid mood.
I left the library Saturday afternoon and ended up by default at the Starbucks. It was 5:00 pm. before I finally got around to eating a meal for the day. I left there as it began to rain, just before closing, and went over to the Light Rail, planning to ride the train for a while to kill time. Whne the train had not arrived 34 minutes later I just took the bus back to the Plaza and then the next one up to Pikesville and sat outside the First Watch and read 'til midnight befor I hit the shed and lay down. Only to promptly get up and deal with anothe batch of waterbugs/roaches. Another sleepless night ensued and I eventually crawled out around 12:45 pm. to catch the bus to Jenn's where I showered and watched the kids until about 7:45 pm. It was too late to go anywhere so I went back up to the bench outside the First Watch and read again until about 9:30 pm. when I tried to go to sleep, being totally exhausted, in body, mind, and spirit. As I was moving a bag around to put the dirty laundry in it, I bumped the insulation and heard a loud, angry, buzzing as of a massive amount of bees, and out from the side of the paper covering the insulation, (Paper backed fiberglass strips that fit between the studs, and the outer wall. There is no inner wall.), there appeared a half dozen big, fat, bees.
I had a hell of a time trying to swat and crush them without banging into the sides of the shed and attracting some more. Eventually I got them and rushed over to the Giant at 1 minute 'til closing and went to get a can of wasp and hornet spray, (it also makes a hell of a Mace!!!), and had only $3.00 and the spray was $6.35, and there was no one in the store I knew, not even any of the employess, from whom I coul;d borrow the missing $3.36......I called Jenn and they had no spray. I was not a happy camper to say the least. I quietly crept back into the shed and the nest or hive was silent, so I lay down and made a supreme effort all night NOT to bump anything. I read for a bit then fell asleep for an hour and have been up since. I just lay there with no reason to get up until about Noon. Iwent into the Giant to use the facilities and when I was coming out Tom was coming in. He bought me a can of insect spray, and I'll try it later this evening.
liz dropped off the replacement bag for me on her way past and I have to transfer my stuff to it from the duffel.
I'm out of time now.......later......Dave

Saturday, May 22, 2010

"From ..'Night Of The Living Dead'...........To..........'Dawn Of The Dead'.................."

Good Afternoon;
So after I left here yesterday I stopped at the coffee shop and sat out on the back patio just spacing out and at times nodding off from lack of sleep, waking up abruptly when I either smacked the back of my skull against the brick wall behind me or damn near snapped a vertebrae when my head fell forward towards my chest. Coffee didn't help, neither did a Coca Cola, (until I wanted to sleep, many hours later..THEN the caffeine kicked in!), so I ended up taking an unwanted 'power nap'.

While I was sitting there a bit later, (in the early evening), I saw a large, long billed, long legged grayish blue bird fly across the grass and along the Jones Falls to perch on a branch overhanging the river. I went over to look at it and we stared at one another across the stream. It spread it's wings and fluffed up it's feathers and raised the long yellow feathers on it's head that made up it's crown, in either a territorial or mating display. What an amazing sight, and within the city limits too. I just looked on Google and identified it as a "Yellow Crowned Night Heron". This was the highlight of my day and along with sitting in the shade as evening fell and painted the sky with a pastel palette, helped to lift me somewhat out of the black mood I have been in.

I left there about 8:00 pm to head over to Monkee's to get my 'bupes' for the next 5 days. We talked for a while and I went back out to North Ave. to wait for the bus. This is a part of my old stomping grounds when I was using and it is always interesting to watch the interplay and social dynamics of the people on the streets and on the bus, and also their reactions and actions toward me and any other white folks who may be around. It is pretty much a given that almost any white male down there at 10:00 pm at night is either looking for drugs or a cop, females have additional categories of 'baby mama' and/or 'ho', and sometimes there will be white folks who are just totally lost and clueless as to where they are. The majority of the 'locals' will usually just ignore you, or talk about 'white boys' as if you were not there, with an insulting or confrontational attitude, and then there is the large minority of mostly younger people who eye you as a predator eyes up it's prey, calculating whether the risk is worth the possible profit, and sometimes just whether they can get away with senseless violence for it's own sake.
I could not sleep so I ended up riding buses and the Metro all over the city, watching and listening.

I had a couple conversations with people, one of which was with another homeless guy who also refuses to lower himself to the level of the available "EOS" or Emergency Overnight Shelters" that most outreach organizations and well meaning but clueless Samaritans point toward at first mention of homelessness. He had also some of the same experiences I had at one of the missions, where, if you start to fall asleep in the overcrowded, overheated room during the hell and brimstone, damnation sermon you must sit and listen through before you are allowed to enter the mess hall or the are put out on the street. He also told me of experiences he had at a detox center run by BBH, (Baltimore Behavioral Health), where while on a combination of powerful medications , (Seroquel, Klonapin, Clonidine,...among them), given him by the center, he nodded off during class or group counseling and was immediately accused of being 'high' on 'street drugs'. Having gone through this same detox back in 2000, and leaving it to go cold turkey and do it myself, I could relate to his misery.

I watched as the 'normal' riders thinned out and the destitute and derelict lingered, catching as much of the coolness while they could before the subway closed at midnight, or bus routes began to shut down at various times through the night. The passengers remaining on the train looked like zombies or the TV/movie stereotype of a refugee shown fleeing war or natural disaster.
I finally got to Pikesville and stopped at the gas station, then since I STILL could not sleep, sat on the bench in front of First Watch and read for another hour or so. When I did get into the shed I used my little portable battery operated fan for the first time to try to counteract some of the heat that builds up during hot sunny days. As I was rearranging the cardboard mattresses and laying out the blankets and sleeping bag for padding, I encountered more of the big fat black waterbug/roaches and tried to spray the air freshener, (the smell of the decaying and decomposing birdies is almost but not quite gone), to either kill..HA!!..or keep them away. Of course now I could not sleep because every little scratch and skritch had me turning on the flashlight and grabbing a shoe looking for the little bastards!
I ended up getting about 3 hours sleep and then just lay there, overcome and enervated, by ennui and inertia, lack of motivation and direction, and this cloud of depression that is enveloping me.

When I did get up about Noon, feeling like two bags of dead mice, and like something died in my mouth, I wandered through the Giant for an hour, and shaved, which can be almost as good a shower in a pinch, brushed my teeth, and grabbed some of the low budget bologna and day old rolls for meals, I am. I'm just about out of time, and I'm going to the Starbucks I guess. I have $4.00 to last me the next 10 days, so I guess it is 'dumpster dining' on some nights. I'll be able to get something at Jenn's tomorrow when I stop by for a shower and maybe babysit the grandmonsters for a while. As I said before not getting that extra bit of marked out stuff from Starbucks really makes a difference. If nothing else comes through this week, I may be back out on the corner of I-83 for a few days, the first time since last October, and that was only a day or two.
We shall see what we shall see!
I still have one copy of the poems printed up..$10.00 if anyone wants it.
I am seriously thinking about purchasing a month's worth of meds and getting all my refills from the pharmacy and as soon as I can just stick out my thumb and see how far south or west or maybe even north I can go. The Foodstamps are good across the country, as is the cellphone. I should have about $100.00 cash if I don't buy my monthly bus pass and only put the minimum on my phone.
I need to either immerse myself in the ocean, or sit on the top of a mountain.....or both!
Like the timeless and deeply meaningful philosophy expressed so succintly by
Otter and Boone in one of the darkest moments of the seminal male bonding movie and anti-establisment classic........."Animal House", when things are at the bleakest and blackest and all you have left is hope and faith, when everything is gone, even the stuf you didn't steal..when the man has even taken the bar!
There is only one thing left to do......
Road Trip!!!

The library is closed Sunday...see you Monday.....maybe........Dave

Friday, May 21, 2010

"Outside Looking In..............................."

Good Afternoon;
Sorry but no funny anecdotes today. I'm too exhausted in body, mind and spirit.
I slept poorly again last night, partly due to the heat that the shed holds from the day, partly from the insomnia. I'm so tired of not having a place to just sit and just have somewhere to 'be'. Somewhere I don't have to get up and leave everyday just to fulfill the mimimum requirements of existence. I am tired of hurting all the time. It is getting to be an effort to crawl out of bed, such as it is, everyday. All I want is to be able to get up and NOT go anywhere for a change.
Right now I have the basic needs, (except for shelter),--meds, food, and phone,--covered for another couple days, (or at least the money set aside), and a couple dollars extra in my pocket. After that, who knows?
It's getting hot early today, not extremely so but enough to make being in the sun uncomfortable to sit and eat lunch. With the Starbucks in Pikesville closed there is no place close to be able and sit and just kill time. I'm getting tired of riding 2 buses each way to go to Mt. Washington now that the crew has changed so much, the atmosphere has gotten much less carefree and 'family' like; except for Ashley and Veronique there is no one still there from a year ago.
I am so damn drained from the afteraffects of Wednesdays anxiety attack I can barely think straight to write, and it is too much trouble to try to be clever or humorous.
Keeping up the facade is becoming a burden,
always being alone, even in a crowd, is killing me.
Waiting for answers is killing me.
Sh*t times up

Thursday, May 20, 2010

"Aches, Pains, and Financial Gains...................................."

Good Morning;
Another sleepless night, or more accurately day and a half. I tossed and turned and every time I fell asleep, I woke up either stiff and in pain, or with a terrible headache. Then when I did eventually drift off into REM sleep a truck backed into the fence that the shed is up against showering me with crud from the walls and ceiling and knocking my water bottle off the shelf onto my face. A true 'rude awakening'.
I am on the way to Jenn's to shower, hoping that will help to relax me and also pull me up out of this black mood I have sunken into. I'm also going to wash ALL my clothes since I had a run of good luck last night on the Keno, betting a dollar, which was 1/5 of my total cash and winning $25.00 on that game, and also on 2 of the next 3 games, plus $2.00 twice. I played for an hour and walked out $60.00 richer than I came in. That is money for meds, food, and phone for the rest of the month, and well timed too, as I have only a few bucks left on my stamps and a few minutes left on my phone and 2 days of meds left!
I'm out of here for now. I am going to see if Liz is in the office at Prologue, and whether she had any luck with the bag, while I am on the way to Jenn's.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

"Clean And Serene".................

Good Afternoon;
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
So, a little bit of venting, some emotional and spititual exhales, and a few deep calming breaths, and a couple dozen repetitions of the above plus a little bit of needed medication, and 45 minutes of conversation with my cousin Harriet, (who happened to be in the library, and when I went to cancel out..we started to, and a chance meeting with Evan, (editor of the Baltimore Magazine), and his 3 and 1 and 1/2 year old sons and I am in a better place.
I sent an explanatory letter to Liz by e-mail and an apology, and now I'm out of time again.....

"Non Compos Mentis"..............

Good Afternoon;

So that was quick, wasn't it?
A 12:30 pm. meeting and back at the library on the computer before 1:00 pm.!
The reason for my rapid return is; that when I got to Prologue and Liz came downstairs, she had with her the partner with whom she shares an office and the company car, and told me she was coming along, did I mind. Well, I'm already having a bad day as it is and I automatically said sure, so I would not have to deal with any confrontation or uncomfortable questions. To tell the truth I DID NOT want her to come along, because I was already in the first stages of an anxiety attack and for some reason my first impression of this woman just rubbed me the wrong way. And because I am not comfortable with strangers in a situation where I need to be able to open up and expose my thoughts, needs, fears and feelings. I expected it to be me and my caseworker, with whom I have established a bond, and also, I felt, a sense of trust and friendliness. The time I have spent with Liz has been as much social interaction as it has been therapeutic and business oriented. By the time we walked out to the car to unload all the stuff in my bag I was just about to go full goose gonzo into a panic attack, so I just told her it was a bad day fro me and I was going to split. And if she was going to go to the Walmart, she could do whatever she wanted about the bag..(after I showed her the seams)..that she and Walmart could agree, exchange, refund, at this point I didn't much care.

I am on edge today, now more than ever. I do not know why I could not come right out and say that I was not comfortable with someone else along during 'my time', but I could not, it was easier and less painful just to run. Was I, Am I wrong to feel this way??, I don't know and at this time I don't care. Am I overreacting?, Quite possibly. Should I have said something then? Most probably. Will I say something to Liz later? Good question? I don't know right now. Between the lack of sleep, the depression that has overtaken me so insidiously and deviously this time, (I did not feel it coming on like I usually do, and so was unprepared to use the normal diversionary tactics that seem to lessen it's affect and duration), and the f*cking loneliness that has me in it's grips, plus the case of the full blown paranoia and anxiety that is tearing me to shreds inside right now and the feelings of physical nausea that have my stomach in knots, I don't really give a damn.

I may blow off my plans to get together with my cousin Harriet later, I'm not sure if I can deal with that right now. I may just go sit somewhere by myself and see if this runs it's course by itself. Then again I may get a six pack and head out into the woods. The only thing I know I am not, (at this point, this moment, Just For Today as it is said, but that is all one can ask for anyway), going to do is go score some coke or some dope. Not because I don't want to, but because I have not reached the point where the desire outweighs the consequences. And because I really don't think there is any decent stuff out there, from what I have heard anyway.

For anyone who has met me and wondered about what I am talking about when I mention mental, emotional or psychological/psychiatric should be in my f*ckin' head today!! I usually try to stay out of the public presence when I feel this coming on, but I was blitzkrieged today, with no idea that the anxiety/panic would escalate to this level. I feel like a volcano about to erupt, or a boiler with a broken pressure relief valve ready to violently explode. The urge to hide is competing with the urge to hit something or break something...animate, inanimate...whatever.
I know that seeing Rachel was a two edged sword today, both joyful and painful. The pain coming from the shortness of our time together and the feelings of inadequacy that come form not having any money to do something and not having a place where we can live together at least part of the time.
Okay, I've got to go now, this place and the people here are closing in on me it feels like. I think I saw Harriet too, and I have to either see her or call her and tell her it is not a good day to hang out.
Sorry to unload on you all...but WTF!, it's partly what this blog is for, a way to try to preserve what little sanity I have left!
Later ...Dave

"Dial 'I' For Insomnia.....Isolation.....&.....Incomplete................."

Good Morning;

Well another night has passed and I woke up way too early. I was up at 3:45 am. thinking it is about 6:00 am. or so. I finally was able to fall back asleep about 8:00 am., when the phone rang 30 minute later. It was a number I did not recognize so I let it go to voice mail, as I was listening to the message from my newly found cousin Harriet, my other phone rang..(okay, some of you are saying "what is a homeless guy doing with 2 cell phones?"...well I'll tell you. One number is a phone I've had for about 4 years, the other is a SafeLink phone that delivers around 64 minutes a month provided free by the U.S. government to poor folks who receive Foodstamps , disability or social security.....and I'm about to get a third phone through someone who is eligible but does not want one and is going to let me use theirs, since my original number is a pay by the minute are the Safelink phones if you want to add more minutes...), and it is Harriet asking if I want to get together We are going to try to meet after my meeting with my Prologue caseworker Liz. Liz and I are going to Walmart to return or exchange my new bag which has torn already.

Then when I am in the Giant, brushing my teeth and washing up the phone rings again, and it is Rachel telling me to come to the front of the store. She was there with her mother, and of the cashiers..told them I had just walked in. We visited for a while and I may see her later this afternoon, after i meet with Harriet.

Last night I left the Starbucks at closing and spent some time with my favorite bus driver, (again a lovely, friendly and compatible woman.........happily married....continuing the theme of the last, and stopped at the gas station before entering the shed. There was a man out side by the pumps trying to scam customers by saying he was homeless and hungry. I know for a fact that he is living in a boarding house nearby and is a crack head and a drunk. I mentioned this to the manager and he, (who knows me, and a few other of the real homeless folks in Pikesville, and let us use the bathroom and sit inside for a while on cold or hot nights), chased him off the premises. It only takes one jerk to ruin a situation for those who do not abuse their privileges.

I read for a while then turned the lantern off and just lay there thinking and spacing for a long time, unable to sleep. it is a toss up which is the more painful lack in my life right now, a residence or a companion. It is not sex that I am so desperately longing for, [though that is a factor...(although my libido is at such a low point right now that an 'erection' is nothing but the way the Japanese choose their heads of state!!!............LOL!!!)...], but companionship of the opposite sex, physical contact of a non-violent nature, and just the opportunity to wake up and occasionally not be alone.
As I have said in one of my poems, the lack of 'caresses not coitus', is what is killing me slowly.
Okay I've got to leave for Prologue now and meet Liz, who of course would also be a perfect fit as a 'Friend', but of course, is happily Luckily we have talked about transferrence in a clinical/professional client/provider relationship, and worked out any possible conflicts.
See you later.................Dave

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

'Right Place----Wrong Time...............As Per Usual............"

Good Afternoon;
Sometimes life is like a song....
In my case:

I been in the right place but it must have been the wrong time
I'd have said the right thing but I must have used the wrong line
I been in the right trip but I must have used the wrong car
My head was in a bad place and I'm wondering what it's good for
I been the right place but it must have been the wrong time
My head was in a bad place but I'm having such a good time

I been running trying to get hung up in my mind
Got to give myself a good talking-to this time
Just need a little brain salad surgery
Got to cure my insecurity

I been in the wrong place but it must have been the right time
I been in the right place but it must have been the wrong song
I been in the right vein but it seems like the wrong arm
I been in the right world but it seems wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong

Slipping dodging sneaking creeping hiding out down the street
See me life shaking with every ho' I meet
Refried confusion is making itself clear
Wonder which way do I go to get on out of here

I been in the right place but it must have been the wrong time
I'd have said the right thing but I must have used the wrong line
I'd have took the right road but I must have took a wrong turn
I'd have took the right move but I made it at the wrong time
I been on the trip road but I must have used the wrong car
My head was in a good place and I wonder what it's bad for.

Thank You, Mac Rebennac AKA;

Dr.John The Night Tripper

It seems that every time I hear about a program or an opening or a grant for is the day after it closes, or is filled, or has expired.
Not only that, can someone tell me why every time I meet the woman who would make the perfect companion,

Why do I always end up next to the most annoying people at the computers here at the library!!! The old biddy next to me is sitting and popping and cracking her gum at the rate of 30 snaps a minute!! And it is not the typical young brainless baby's mama, but some old white woman! And on the other side the evil old bigoted, racist, white haired witch just sat down..............AARRRGGHHHHH!!!!....On and On and On........I'm about to lose it today!!!!
(sorry about that)

she is either gay or with someone else, (happily, damn it!), in a long term relationship.
Yeah, well, if you could not tell, being alone is getting to me at the moment. It was exacerbated by a surprise visit at the coffee shop in Mt. Washington yesterday evening of my friend Michelle, artist, professor at MICA, mother of an adorable little girl, faithful supporter...and all, around wonderful person. Oh yeah, and!
But seriously, she is a good friend and we had a chance to catch up a bit on each other's lives. And she also rang in with the opinion...."You ought to write a book!", Again, I tried to explain my fears and self doubts about having the ability to write a continuous, coherent manuscript....but, being a teacher, she shot me down and cut me no slack in that! I do think I have enough stories to keep a reader interested and amused, but not the skills to put them in the proper form.
I am going to try to find a way to get ahold of an old laptop, maybe if I had the opportunity to sit and write without having a time limit and so much distraction, I could do it. I'd like to, I know that. We shall see what will arise in the next month or so.
I left the Starbucks with Jenn after her meeting last night and we puttered around the Giant for an hour, then I hit the gas station and gave the State it's $2.00. I went into the shed and watched "Jeeves And Wooster" on the DVD player until the battery died and went to sleep about 2:00 am.
This morning I woke up to rain and ended up dozing on and off for an hour at a time until I finally got out of the sleeping bag around 12:30 pm. I went into the Giant to use the restroom, shave and brush my teeth and then get something to eat. It was a zoo, it was so crowded the store manager and the major department managers were on the registers and bagging would think there was a snow storm headed for Baltimore... all the milk, bread, and toilet paper being!
Oh great now the crazy deaf woman sits down on one side and moves the computer all the way to the other side of the desk and turns the screen so it can't be seen, and begins her mumbling...while on the OTHER side of me the hip-hop girly boys are watching YouTube dance videos and 'vogueing'...until they will be thrown out....AGAIN!....I repeat....AAARRGGHHHHH!!!
Anyway, I've got to go eat something, it is 4:30 pm. and I have not had breakfast yet, except for a cup of coffee and a handful of honey toasted pecans.
It must be the rain bringing all the crazies out today...but what is bringing them all over next to me!!!???!!! I mean, I'm lonely, but not THAT lonely...LOL!!!

Monday, May 17, 2010

"WeakEnd Update..................."

Good Afternoon, Again;
Well I spent 3 nights inside last week, Wed., Thur., & Fri., at Jenn's doing some babysitting. I left Saturday afternoon to run down to Monkee's to get my week's worth of meds, forgetting that it was Preakness Day until I got to the Metro station and the train was both late and packed. Then when I got to the Hopkins station the connecting buses were running every other scheduled bus, because so many buses were being run on lines servicing the Pimlico Racetrack. I got back just in time to see the race on TV at Jenn's, (I broke even, or a little bit ahead, by balancing bets on the favorites and by taking a 16-1 wager AGAINST! Calvin Borel, {riding the Derby winner Super Saver}, that wiped out all the losses! I could not refuse the odds the guy gave me, and besides, he is an arrogant jerk and it was a pleasure watching himtry to weael out of his bet and then have to pay me in front of a room full of witnesses....rotflmao!!!), I knew my worst possible loss would be $5.00 and my highest possible win could have been $370.00, as it stands, I believe I am the cost of a six-pack of National Boh Ice!
When I left Jenn's after the race, I took the Metro to the Light Rail to Mt. Washington to the Starbucks, looping around most of the traffic leaving town. There were a few 'infielders' on the trains, you could tell by the bright pink complexions....seems nobody brought the
When I left the coffee shop you could see the thin slice of the crescent moon and the reflected dim shadow of the full disk of the moon, and just above it was the planet Venus, in the opposite corner of the sky was the planet Mars shining redly and the planet Saturn could be seen as a pale yellow point in the sky. Plus as I got off the bus at the Plaza Metro station the International Space Station could be seen crossing the sky. All in all a pretty spectacular display!
I ended up reading for a few hours in the shed by the light of my new lantern and fell asleep about 2:00 am.
Sunday, I slept late and I went to the Starbucks around 1:00 pm. and sat out on the back patio until closing at 8:00 pm., and it was still full daylight. This early daylight savings time is good about this time of year.
I had a conversation with a woman with whom I had been passing the time of day with for the past year. She came and sat outside and asked me, "It was you in the Baltimore Magazine, wasn't it?", I laughed and said yes and the Jewish Times too. We talked about the causes and and effects of homelessness, and the rise in both quantity and visibility over the past 30 years. I tried to explain about shelters and the truth versus the public perception of them.
I sat outside the First Watch Cafe and read until about Midnight and went in and watched a video until 2:00 am.
Well the 6,000 mark has been broken, according to Sitemeter, I just want to say Thanks, and 'keep coming back'......(LOL!)

"Rainy Days And Mondays Always Make Me Round..................................."

Good Afternoon;
So, it's raining and I'm kind of bored and I went to the Giant hungry.
Now I'm coming down with a terminal case of the
I've got nothing to get done today, which is a good thing because I have the motivation of your basic, "Dazed And Confused", "Half Baked", "Pineapple Express", pot head.............LOL!
(without the weed!!!)
Out Of Time....Later...Dave

"Generation Next..............................."

Good Afternoon;

The underlined words below are a link to a very good YOUTUBE video that is like a reverse palindrome....Watch, Listen and Read....there is hope for the future!

Thanks, Janis, for the 'forward'.

Also, see the comment on the previous post, it answers my question as to why the sudden increase of hits from the UK.
The concept behind the distribution of the 'Big Issue' is a good one that has been used in the States at different times and places also. At one point, the Baltimore Sun being sold on some street corners were donated papers to homeless folks as a way to make some cash, but it mostly went to drugs. I do not know if it still being done now or not.
I'll be back a bit later........Dave

Friday, May 14, 2010

"Birthday Pizza..................Birthday Cake........................."

Good Afternoon;

Welcome to the newest 'Follower', Lindsey, thanks for reading.

So I have spent the past 2 nights at Jenn's and since I am babysitting the grandmonsters again this evening, and early tomorrow morning, I'll be there again tonight.

Yesterday I took, (Jenn drove), Rachel and Jenn, and Ed and Devin to CiCi's Pizza Buffet over on Rt. 40 West just past Rolling Road. $5.99 @ for adults & $2.99 for kids under 10 years old, and $1.99 for kids under 3 years old, and drinks are $1.79. Everything is all you can eat or drink. The pizza is good for the price and there are also soup, pasta, cheesy bread, and a salad bar on the line. There were about 10 different types of pizza, including 'macaroni and cheese topped', w/ and w/out ground beef. There is also an 'apple pie pizza', gooey chocolate brownies and cinnamon rolls for dessert. Less than $30.00 for the 5 of us. There is also a small arcade in the back, with a few claw machines..(only the candy one pays off every time)..and a basketball toss and a race car game.

We walked over to the "DOLLAR TREE" across the lot, and Rachel went to town and got herself 11 different gifts and had a blast choosing.

Circumstances, 'iffy' weather, and a smaller budget than I wanted changed the plans I had in mind for her birthday, but we stopped at the Giant and I bought a heart shaped cake with red and orange roses and pink and purple accents on the white icing and we took it back to Jenn's where we sang Happy Birthday and ate it.

Her mom called right after and was able to pick her up, so that saved a bus and a train and a bus ride to Towson ..(and back for me).

As I said the day was not quite what I planned, but turned out to be a lovely day anyhow! Rachel and I are going to keep an eye out for the next show that is coming to town, (or movie), or event or exhibit at one of the museums or facilities in the area that she really wants to see and then save up for it and then just the two of us attend as a special delayed treat.

I am also talking with Jenn about taking everyone on a weekday excursion to Sandy Point State Park, as soon as the Bay water temps. are in the comfortable range. Rachel and I and her mom took a trip there a year and a half ago and she still talks about "going to the bay".
I am just killing time for a few hours, just to get some sunshine and take a break from the kids before returning to Jenn's this evening. I'll be gone from there by noonish tomorrow and back in the shed in later in the evening.

There has been a regular spate of hits on my little 'exercise in exorcism' here from the British Isles, logging in directly to the site, with no referral, other than a direct search for 'homelesscide'. There have been enough to trigger my interest as to whether it is a 'loyal reader' traveling or a local, (or local), who have taken an interest in our blog.

Speaking of interest, there has also been a continuing visitation from referrals out of the site that is published by a group of Towson University students examining homelessness in Baltimore.
We are only 39 visits away from 6,000 hits, a mere drop in the bucket compared to many sites, but hell, a truly amazing number to me, as is the fact that I have done this for 518 times!
I finally received my Medical Assistance card in the mail earlier this week, nearly a month after i was told it would be mailed out immediately, and 10 months after I became eligible, (but of course had no idea for 9 of thiose months..thank you D.S.S.), and I still have not gotten the M.C.O./H.M.O. information package comparing the different plans. I was able to renew my prescriptions without any problem last week, using my old M.A. card, which is exactly the same, as I informed the person in the membership office so they would not have to send a new one, but they insisted it would be different....yeah right....bureaucratic inefficiency in!
I have to see Liz next week, if she is back from an emergency leave of absence, and get her to take me back over to the WalMart with the receipt for my new bag....which is splitting along some internal seams, I knew that it was too good to be true....SOMETHING had to go!
Okay I'm out of time for now, I guess I'll see you all tomorrow,.....if I survive the kids another day and!...or unless I find something interesting to do Saturday, then I'll be back Monday.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

"Counting Blessings..............."

Good Morning;
Good Morning;
The above line is the font called 'Webdings',
mirroring the salutation above that.
No reason except curiousity to see what it
So it rained like hell last night, technically early this morning, I woke up at 4:30 am. to 'visit the tree' and was forced to use the emergency backup!
I have been waking up early and then getting depressed recently due to the fact that there is really no place close, convenient, and comfortable to go to, so I have either just lay, (lie?), there until either 9:00 am. when the library opens, or more often until the back, bladder and boredom force me to move. It is a bit easier on days when I have an objective, somewhere to be, someone to meet or something to most cases.
Today I got up about 10:15 am. and went to the Giant for coffee and to wash my face, and I ended up grabbing a package of steaks that was mis-priced and mis-labeled saving almost $6.00 a pound!
Jenn asked me to come over this afternoon and babysit the little darlings while she and Tom take his godfather out to dinner, (this is father of the young man who took his own life 2 weeks ago; he has also lost his wife, and 2 of his closest friends, one who had a stroke while at his dinner table!, the other being Tom's dad, all in the past 6 months. It is things like this that help me keep my life in perspective, and no matter how much I amy seem to whine at times, I am truly grateful for the blessings I have been given and the people in my life.), to try to show him love and support. From what I understand he is an episcopalian priest and a truly amazing and loving man.
I am about to go to Jenn's and drop off the food and then go down to the Central branch of the Enoch Pratt library. I am probably spendin the night at Jenn's and we are all going out for Rachel's birthday somewhere. I may not be back online until Thursday night late, or Friday.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

"Robots Rules Of Order.....OR.....Send In The Clones..........................."

Good Afternoon;

Well I am farther along in my quest to acquire enough cash to do something special with and for Rachel on her birthday Thursday, but not as far along as I would like to be. I tracked down the 'ex' yesterday and gave her the gift card to use at the Giant, and this morning as I was at the coffee machine in the store I ran into her doing some shopping, (alone Rachel was at the house of the family she stays with when her mother is at work), and I ended up with $42.00 when she was done. Because they are staying in the hotel with only a microwave and a small refrigerator there is not that much need for groceries. I want to raise another $40.00 to $60.00 if I can or we are going to have to revise our plans.

(There are still copies of my little book of poetry left at the affordable price of only $10.00 each. Every copy freshly baked and delivered daily, and signed by the author with apersonal endorsement to the purchaser! Every dollar helps!)

I am picking Rachel up at her mother's workplace on Thursday morning, or if I am staying at Jenn's, (still only a tentative plan), she may be dropped off there. Depending on the weather we may take all the kids out for a picnic in the park later that day.

It was nice wandering the Giant talking to the 'ex', almost a repeat of last night when I was doing the same with Jenn after her homegroup meeting and she gave me ride back to Pikesville.
I went to the Mt. Washington Starbucks after I saw Rachel's mom yesterday afternoon and just hung out and read and talked for a few hours.

At one point I took my personal insulated metal travel cup up the counter for a free refill, having added my 'secret recipe", of sweetener and sugar and flavoring, and the young woman barrista at the counter takes and rinses it out with hot water! I said no please don't ever rinse my cup, and she said it's company policy and she MUST do so, (she is not stationed at this store but has substituted here frequently enough to recognize me as a regular customer), and I commented that others did not rinse it without asking first, once requested not to...and I also mentioned that since she had looked into the cup and had seen the powdered and granulated substances at the bottom, which were obviously freshly added and not dregs or residue..why would she even rinse and dump it in the first place, again she parroted..'company policy', and added 'some people just can't follow company policy' which I replied...."SOME people are not mindless robots", and walked back to my table. Needless to say, for the next refill I waited until she was working the espresso machine and someone else was at the This is one of the reasons I am frequenting the establishment less than I was before..(nicer weather is another, as is the faulty heating/cooling system..[which seems to be stuck on 'broil']..,it has also been too crowded recently and harder to find a seat)..the leaving of certain employees has changed the atmosphere there also, no one seems to be having fun anymore. Whether my praise and appreciative comments for the courtesies extended me that I related in the JT and BM articles had a negative 'trickle down' effect or not I do not know for sure, but it seems to illustrate the aphorism; "no good deed goes unpunished".

While I was sitting there reading the newspaper, Dave from Whole Foods came over and we got into a discussion about politics and how it sometimes bizarrely affected national and state borders around the world. Some of those little gouges and bulges not determined by terrain or rivers. Just as he was about to leave my phone rang and it was my first girlfriend Patti, calling from Florida. She was on the way to the beach to cool down and escape from family...(parent and sibling)...and boy do I relate to those feeling...LOL. we talked for almost a half hour, cell phone to cell phone, using up most of my minutes but accruing no long distance charges, one of the greatest boons of the cell phone age! When she gets back in the state we are going to hook up. When I asked what she was up to she mentioned that she has had the urge to travel since she took early retirement from teaching a few years ago. A few seconds later she asks me how long I could sit in a car, I replied, "how far ya goin'?, my Independence Card works anywhere in the country!"....... We are going to talk when she gets back....who knows, you may be reading "Homelesscide-- Life on the Interstate".....LOL!....from Public Libraries around the nation...and seriously, it isn't like I'm NOT packed up and ready to go.

As I was sitting reading I saw this familiar little blond haired head toddling across the floor and recognized Augustus, Kristen's son, and looked up to see her in line. I walked over to say hello and she told me that they were on their way over to sit with me as soon as they got their drinks. I was thinking about and mentioned to Kristen that it has been 10 years since we first met and how amazing those 10 years had been. It is really wonderful to watch a girl change to a young woman and mother. We were talking about Jenn and the grandkids and Rachel and her mom, and how some women are just naturally and instinctively good moms, and how surprising it is when someone who you never thought would be the maternal type turns out to be and want to be a 'Mommy'.

She asked me a few moments later what I thought made a woman a good 'Mommy', and I tried to define it and had trouble putting some of the inherent and intrinsic values into words. When we left the coffee shop to each head our separate ways, there was a guy playing a soprano sax..(that's the one that looks like a metal clarinet)..and we watched Gus dance and hand the guy a $1.00 bill. As we said goodbye I pointed to Gus and told her 'That's what makes good Mommy, whatever you're doing, keep doing it'. Her eyes got moist and told me I was sweet, I got embarrassed and gave her a hug and left, before I opened my mouth and dined on my foot, sans
I wouldn't exactly call it 'unrequited love', but more "an unexpressed depth of feeling due to an acknowledged non-expected return of the same, there-by best remaining unvoiced", yeah...that's as clear as mud ain't it.
Usually, being old, fat, bald, broke and 'residentially challenged' frees me to express thoughts and emotions that would normally be restrained or repressed, having expectation of reciprocation allows for a refreshing honesty that mostly out weighs the hidden heartache. Telling someone the secrets of ones heart for the purely altruistic reason of hoping to bring them a boost to their own ego or self esteem is mostly worth the pain. .....mostly, but once in a isn't.
Yeah...well, this is not the direction I was headed when I sat down at the keyboard! Good thing I am out of time. Depending on how hard it is raining, I'll either sit here and read or go to the coffee shop...I know, I know, but there really is nowhere else close to go.
See you tomorrow.........Dave

Monday, May 10, 2010

"Drain Bamage......................."

Good Afternoon;

I don't know what's up with me today. I can't seem to wake up and I'm sinking into a quagmire of the blahs, the blues, externally induced and influenced depression, and an enervating and de-motivating funk. I went into the Giant this morning and it was nearly impossible to even make a simple decision on what to get to eat, (and this was not due to monetary constraints, or just being tired of the same old selection this time), it took me over an hour of wandering and vacillating to finally buy something. I feel forgetful and my mind feels like it is wrapped in a big ball of cotton, similar to a pot buzz, but without the euphoria. I am hitting so many wrong or extra keys, or just missing them altogether as I type this that it is taking 10 times as long as usual. Thank goodness for!

It is similar to a 'fugue state' aka 'disassociative amnesia', but so far no unexplained travel or disappearance....(damn, I could really use a 'road trip' about now!), remembering simple things is a chore and an effort, and I'm spacing out with no warning and not realizing it or having an awareness of it.

I know some of my depression ans anxiety is from the fact that Rachel's birthday is on Thursday, she will be 6 years old, and I do not know whether or not I am going to have the money to do something special with her and buy her a gift that she really wants. I was supposed to be trading some food credits for cash with the 'ex', having spoken to her about it a couple of weeks ago, and explaining the reason why I wanted to confirm that she would be amenable to it and would set aside the cash, but now she is seemingly avoiding the subject, so I do not know what is going on. This is consistent with previous behavior, making a promise or commitment that I or someone else takes on good faith as a certainty, and makes plans or arrangements predicated on her coming through, and she does not because it is 'inconvenient', or waiting to the last minute to tell me she won't be able to do what she had promised...or she won't answer the phone or call back until it is too late, leaving me in limbo, not knowing what is going on.

I am going to try to track her down when I am done here at the library and get a definite response one way or another. There is also mail for me from D.D.S., I asked her call me when she was back at the house Friday morning and I would meet her there and pick it up, or if she would not be there long, to call me and open it and read it over the phone to me....well it is Monday and I still have not heard back.
I am also fretting about how fast my money has already gone this month, with no extravagant expenditures. Most of the cash has gone to the usual necessities, bus pass, phone minutes, meds, food; some went to the two laundry fiascoes at Jenn's. (the unneeded detergent purchase, the need to do towels and only having a $5.00 bill to put on the card, and the other time I also only had a $5.00 bill), a bit went to food I shared with Jenn and Tom, and my one splurge on a burger at Jilly's and the $5.00 on the "Keno To Go". Not getting that little but of extra food from the coffee shop make a big difference. Oh, and I also sent off 4 $5.00 money orders to some of my causes, NCHV, Lupus, AHA, and one other which has slipped my mind..(see what I mean about the forgetting things)..and for the life of me I can't recall it....and I'm not about to root around in my bag for the stub at the moment to Thinking that I had a confirmed trade caused me to be a little more free with my cash than I normally would be this early in the month.
Now I'm trying to figure out some sort of hustle for the rest of the month.

I left here Saturday and went to Jenn's, planning to wash and shower and get in and out in an hour or so and enjoy the great weather, but I ended up having to do towels first, and then I cooked some sausages and hash browns for lunch, and Tom came home and we talked for a while, when he left I got sucked into a show on the Discover Channel called "Tuna Wranglers", about commercial tuna fishermen in Australia....(where I really want to visit for an extended time), and Jenn came home with the grandmonsters and asked if I minded watching them while she did her food was 10:30 pm. before I rolled

Sunday I went down to see Monkee in East Baltimore because I never made it Saturday, and ended up at the Starbucks about 11:00 am. I sat out on the patio talking to a large group folks who stop there most Sundays after 'church', (all I know is that they have a 'swami' as a is very interesting group of mostly white upper middle class people, and they say it is sort of 'universalism' theology), which is on Falls Road just across the river from the coffee shop. I am curious to see and hear their services, I may go one Sunday at 11:00 am.

I ran into John Erby and we talked for a while, and I was witness to a 2 car accident when this young woman backed into the only car around her for a hundred yards in any direction. She must have been a hurry, (and most likely on the phone, but that is only an unsubstantiated opinion), and put it in reverse, she was in an SUV with a trailer hitch that center punched the license plate of an Audi A4....(Owwww.....ooh that's gonna hurt her!

I gave the Audi owner, John, my name and cell phone #s for the insurance companies, if it get's that far. They arranged for the woman to first have an option to pay out of pocket if the damages were less than the deductible. the reason I am going into detail about this is to show that there are still decent folks like John, who are willing to give someone a break, instead of shouting for a lawyer at the first scent of a dollar sign.

I ended up closing up the coffe shop and catching the bus back to the Plaza station. There is the same bus driver every Sunday on the 27 route and he looks out for me at the stop, most other drivers come around the curve at full speed and sometimes don't even stop if you are not standing almost in the street waving them down. I was getting off the bus at the gas station when a Jeep stops in the middle of the street and a guy says "you want to go for a ride", I at first did not recognize my friend Mike, but after blocking the whole road I finally did and hopped We cruised up to Reisterstown and he returned a vacuum cleaner and we stopped at "The Cow" ice cream stand, and he drove me back to Pikesville to the gas station where I donated my nightly $2.00 to the Maryland State Lottery.

I went to the shed and sprayed some more air freshener cover the lessening but still noticeable odor of the decomposing avian examples of Darwin's law of "Natural Selection" aka "Survival of the Fittest"....

I watched an episode of "Jeeves and Wooster", (it is still strange to see Hugh Laurie in this comedic stereotype as the rich, slightly clueless, English fop and then to see him as "House"), then fell asleep for about half an hour. I woke up and could not get back to sleep so I read for an hour and finally fell asleep around 2:00 am., waking up every hour on the hour until 7:00 am. when I fell back asleep until 9:45 am. and spent an hour doing what normally takes 10 minutes. I then left the shed and we are back to the top of the page.

I'm out of here in a bit and over to find the 'ex', then probably to the Starbucks, where I hope the wind is going to die down a bit because I want to sit in the sun and possibly take a 'power nap'.

Later I'll catch up with Jenn after her meeting and get a ride back to the gas station.


P.S. Thanks Frayda, for the tip.

P.P.S. To whoever had stopped by the Starbucks one day last week asking for me, sorry I missed you, I just have not been frequenting it as much.

P.P.P.S. Sorry about the spacing of the paragraphs and the line breaks, sometimes this program gets a mind of it's own and won't let you correct it!!

The same with the occasional odd color change...not the ODD colors, that's! I'm talking about unexpectedly within line or paragraph.