Saturday, November 29, 2008

Black Friday

Yesterday truly was a "black friday" for me, my cyclical depression kicked in and began a down hill run that looks to be equal to any triple black diamond ski slope.
The combination of all the sales hype and the desire (both retailer manufactured and my own true wishes ) to buy and give gifts, offset by the total lack of funds and with no relief in sight on my personal financial horizon, has given rise to those feelings of worthlessness and despair that are so deadly to those of us here at the bottom. Add to the mix my increasing anxiety at not having any luck finding a place to permanently stay ( one NOT permeated by an atmosphere of addictive behaviors, or mental illness, or just stupidity, ignorance, and lack of basic manners and civility....there are plenty of these types of places to be! ). Also, troubling me is an increasing sense of paranoia, some of it justified by the behavior of the cop previously mentioned, but a lot just baseless yet still debilitating. Being a part of the 4 day weekend, many of the people whom (who?) I regularly see were off work, thus adding to my feeling of isolation.
I did not get a chance to see or be with Rachel,(my daughter), which is another reason for the sense of loneliness.
At the same time, my feelings of gratitude and thankfulness are active, I was treated to a sandwich and coffee, and offered the extra food items by my wonderful, caring friends at Starbucks...THANKS GUYS!, and the one woman who commutes to Balto. from PA., AGAIN gave me a few dollars, even after I told her that it was not necessary to do so each time she sees me, that I deeply appreciated, her generosity at any frequency, and she insisted, SO....... being near broke, practicality won and I accepted..But if my friend (I don't even know her name) you are reading this...I am going to treat you to coffee one morning soon!!
I am also grateful to Monkee and thankful that we met and that I learned of Buprenorphine from you...IT SAVED MY LIFE!!!
times up gotta go bye....Dave

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