"NOT A Happy Camper.......... Again!..............."

Good Evening;

Well, I'm back on the street, sleeping outdoors until everything finally comes together with the Voucher, the Apt., my Birth Certificate, and my MVA Photo ID.
Hopefully no more than a month.

Last night was spent sitting either behind or in front of the Pikesville library at the picnic table of park bench.... tonight ???

Things reached a point of no return at my daughter's, and for a variety of reasons it was better just to slip away into the humidity rather than emulate the pop-up thunderstorms that are a trademark of summer here. Better to shut up than blow up.

More will be revealed....

Later.........................Dave

"Any Port In A Storm........."

Good Afternoon;

So anyone have a place in or near Baltimore on the bus/train line where I can crash tonight.

I need to get to another meeting with my caseworker/therapist tomorrow at 2:00 pm. and I have no ride into town in the morning, but I do tonight. I'm NOT sleeping on wet pavement or benches!

Write me here, email me, hit me on FB, call my cell phone, [..if you don't have it yet, write me here and we'll exchange information... ;-) ..]

Later.........................Dave

"Stress.......... Respite........... Stress............ Relief............ Joyful Shock........... Mild Depression............ Steadily Building Alternating Anxiety & Anticipation............ Shot Through With Undertones of Hurt And Anger.......... "

Good Evening;

Well............ It's good to be on nice terms with the ex-wife...AND her live-in boyfriend!

 Thursday evening I caught a ride to the Timonium Fairgrounds Light Rail stop with Jenn as she was on the way to her homegroup meeting..... it was a very quiet ride, with maybe 30 words spoken from the time we left the house up in East Bumf*ck, (Upperco), until we arrived at the L.R., where by necessity some communication was needed to discuss my getting back on Friday.

(The tension here at her house is really getting to the point of extreme discomfort, especially as there is little attempt , or reciprocation of any attempt, to communicate. Plus the weather is again about to get hot, humid, and nasty....and I'm here in the rooms without A/C....... and I'm pretty much trapped here due to the collapse of the arrangements and promises made, and having absolutely no cash left after laying out an ungodly amount here. Plus the the basic reason why I'm here has been twisted beyond the original decree..... and I've got to leave this alone now before I say too much.)

But I digress.... I again stayed at Rachel's mom's Thursday night, (same as last week),  after stopping at Monkee's to pick up meds for the next week. Rachel was asleep but when I got up at 6:00 am. she was curled up on the couch watching TV. We got a chance to visit  over coffee before I had to catch the bus to the train to the bus to H.C.H.

I had a meeting arranged  with the Social Work Dept. to get documentation and a money order to be able to get my Birth Certificate without a current/valid photo ID. After some initial confusion because the woman I actually saw was not the woman I was slated to see, the Dept. head, who had the exact details of my case, which varied slightly from what she usually dealt with, and reversed the order in which they normally send people to the MVA and Vital Records. But once I insisted they check the fine print on both websites, my concerns were addressed and off I went. I took the bus, train & bus out to Reisterstown Rd. Plaza near the apts. where Jenn used to live, where Maryland State Vital Records has an office. If my visit there was to be described by a movie title....... "Gone In 60 seconds" .........would be an uncontested winner!! In, up to the window, drop the paperwork and money order, staple, stamp, stamp, take a receipt, and out the door!! Now I wait a week to 10 days (Hopefully!!!) for it to be mailed out to H.C.H. which is my mailing address and the agency vouching for my identity. Then, off to the MVA,  which also mails out the photo ID,... to H.C.H. again. Then, about 2 and 1/2 weeks from now I can finally get to the apt. bldg and fill out their paperwork and submit to their background checks, then I have to take the approved rental application to H.A.B.C. so they can inspect it, then they negotiate the rent between them, and I can move in.

My H.C.V.P. voucher expires on August 6th and I am drowning in anxiety about the dwindling time window..... "tick....tick....tick....tick" AND  'tic....tic....tic....tic'

Anyway, even though I lost out on the security deposit assistance that was available but expires as the money runs out on June 30th with the end of the fiscal year, I should have enough with my July S.S.I . payment, though with the other 2 pre-arranged payouts I have to make in early July, I may be dining at the Dunkin' Dumpster until August............. LOL!

More info as it arrives...........

Later....................................Dave

"Blinded By The Light?..........................."

Good Afternoon;

Well......... Another great essay by Joel John Roberts from "Poverty Insights";

http://www.povertyinsights.org/2013/06/18/come-out-of-the-shadows/

Later..................................Dave

"Bureaucratic Vicious Circles............... & ............... Bench Bunking............"

Good Evening;

Well...... After a run of 2 months, 3 weeks, and 1 day, I broke my vow and was forced to spend Friday night sleeping on the street, actually the metal bench outside the Pikesville Library. On Thursday night I spent the night at my ex'es, (Rachel's Mom's), apt. with her, her boyfriend/partner/significant other, and her 2nd oldest daughter, my former step-daughter, who lives with them, Rachel was at the beach at the Md. Bar Association Convention with her Bubbie and Zaidie... It's a strange complicated dynamic, but why should this aspect of my life be any simpler than any other?......... LOL!! I'm just happy we get along and I'm able to crash there in a pinch for something important like this, (that has an impact on Rachel too), and that we all get along socially.

I had come into town from out here in East Bumfuck on Thursday night because I had to get a copy of my birth certificate and get over to the apartment building I am trying to move into to start the paperwork. It's going to take at least 20 days from the time I turn it in to HABC for inspection and approval, and probably a week for the apt.complexes paperwork to go through.

Well... I got to Vital Records, filled out the paperwork for a copy of my birth certificate, (which costs $24.00 now!!!), and handed it in, then waited an hour. Then,... I was called to the counter and told that my ID had expired and the other ID was no longer accepted... A STATE ID!!!! Which I was supposed to be told in the first place. They said they could mail one.... in about 2 weeks, if I went and got a letter from where ever I wanted it mailed that it was okay for me to get my mail there.... um I don't HAVE another 14-17 days to waste! I got my money back and left.

 So.... it was early enough that I went to get a new ID, knowing I would not have enough money for the both certificate too, (but I couldn't get back there until Monday at the earliest anyway... so that was moot.), and had another fun experience.
Without my birth certificate or other papers I don't have available easily or at all  I can't get another ID at the MVA.
Catch 22?

I have to call HCH and talk to my caseworker tomorrow, Monday, morning...EARLY, and see if I can come down for a walk-in appt. on Tuesday to get help with an ID and Birth Certificate.... ASAP!!! If so, I'll ride in on Monday night when my son-in-law leaves here to go 'home', (don't!  even!!  ask!!!.. I can't get into that here and now), and spend the night... ??????, who the hell knows?!?

I got my voucher on the 6th of June,and between being trapped up here when I needed to get into town and having spent most of my cash in the past 2 months on household expenses here, and money lent out that is not being repaid as promised... I am out of cash and starting to feel like I'm not just stuck, but fucked.
The living situation here has become untenable, and the day to day tension can be cut with a knife.

I've got to stop here....... too much emotional investment to be objective......
it's family............... 'nuff said.


Later...........................Dave 

"Dream On........... Ramblin' Man....... "

Good Afternoon;

So........wouldn't it be Awesome if I could convince the HCVP/Section 8 people to apply the rent voucher to a monthly payment on one of these:

A Home Never Away From Home!

Later........................................................Dave

"One Small Step!...... Hoping It's A Trend, ........ Praying It's A Landslide!! ......."

Good Afternoon;
Well I'm sitting here filling out an application for an apartment in one of the Harry and Jeanette Weinberg Senior & Disabled Living Apt Bldgs., (I did tell you, Loyal Reader, that I received my HCVP voucher last Thursday... didn't I? .... YAY!!!! )
When I saw this (see link below) pop up on FB!

Connecticut Passes Landmark ‘Homeless Person’s Bill Of Rights’ Law

A very important piece of legislation, passed at the proverbial 'Eleventh Hour'.
This makes Connecticut one of only 2 States that have enacted a Homeless Person's Bill Of Rights and recognized that discrimination and abuse are ACTUAL issues that have been practiced by police, bureaucrats, hospitals, and governments.
One more State awaits their Governors signature, and 2 more are in the wings with pending legislation being drafted.
(And I'm not a gonna tell ya who....click the link and read the Think Progress article!!)


Back soon with reports on my housing quest...

Later............................Dave

"Once A Day......... Every Day, ..............................More Or Less............................."

Good Morning;
So....... Thought you guys might get a laugh out of this, considering the drop off in frequency of my posts. At least it took me 4 & 1/2 years to get to this point.....LOL!
Chuck & Beans

Later..........................Dave

"Assorted Rambling ............................ & .............................. A Sordid Ranting ..............."

Good Evening;

Well........ Tomorrow, Thursday the 6th, I have a 2 & 1/2 hour meeting at HABC, (Housing Authority of Baltimore City) to pick up and learn about to to use/redeem my HCVP voucher.
The Housing Choice Voucher Program is what is/was formerly known as Section 8.

I went past HCH today to see Sean, my caseworker/therapist to my pick up my mail. I need the letter from HABC to get into the session, and there was a letter from D.S.S. informing me my Medical Assistance came through, with my disability declaration; and my Food Stamps were canceled and re-instated, reduced from $189.00 to $31.00 per month.

And of course the S.S.I.  was approved back in March.

And the dates on the letters from all the different agencies involved and the eligibility/award dates are so screwed up and sometimes 4 to 6 MONTHS, or more in one case, apart it is amazing more people don't die not knowing they had been approved for their benefits but not notified!

After hearing so much hype for so long, months and years, about how approval was just around the corner and the promises of instant change, the reality has been that there was no sudden "poof" of improvement, but sometimes only a new set of bureaucratic hurdles, or the incredible frustration of having more money than I've had in years, but just never enough at once to both have immediate respite from sleeping on the street, AND the ability to access or acquire a stable long term place of my own.

Add in the worst and longest bout of depression in many years, fueled by the 'after Xmas letdown' reality that I was/am still homeless with cash in hand, that it seems there is always one more step or obstacle between me and a 'home' of my own.... plus the accumulated stresses of first watching my money dribble away to motels, then what started out as a brief interlude at my older daughter's turned into a steadily more agonizing, soul sucking travail of 2 months and counting as I ended up staying (trapped without any transportation) in the middle of nowhere to help her with money, and aid with the grandmonsters, as a 'domestic nightmare' unfolded and hit the fan, complete with restraining orders and court appearances. And then the carefully thought out plans became pipedreams as the object of the issue gradually eased back into the daily routine and the patterns and behaviors began to revert to their old norms. Feelings of frustration, anger, disappointment, and even betrayal began to overwhelm me as the main reason I agreed to stay out in east bumfuck, the absence of a personality...... was no longer in abeyance, and like a slowly coalescing fog of ectoplasmic matter, became an increasingly visible presence. And that's as far as I want to take this thread, let's just say blood is only thicker than water up to a certain point, then it's sink or swim........ and I'm drowning.


I'm at the motel in Pikesville tonight because there was no way to get from Upperco to Southwest Baltimore City in the morning and if I miss this meeting the housing vouchers are voided, hell!!, one can't even be a few minutes late!!!!!!!

The one bright light, as usual, was the day I spent with Rachel, first at Amazing Glaze painting pottery bowls and mugs, the with sushi from Whole Foods out on the Starbucks patio in Mt. Washington. It was a late Birthday outing, (that has been delayed because of unreliable rides that were promised, [also resulting in postponed and yet to be rescheduled doctors and therapists appts.],  and lack of cash that had to be diverted.... robbing Peter to pay Paul, the interfamily version), and we bth had a blast, and both miss each other terribly.
The immediate need is to find a place to live near the City and public transportation, then search for a place that will accommodate Rachel as a frequent visitor and overnight guest.

After tomorrow's meeting in the morning, I have all day to kill until 8:30 pm. when I need to meet Monkee, so I don't know if I can make it back out to the country that night either, I have to contact my niece who live's with Jenn out there and see if she will be going home at all. Hopefully I'll be able to meet her some time between 10:00 pm. and when the bars close at 2:00 am.
She's still at that early 20's party age.

Anyway..... there is still more to catch up on, but I'm tired of thinking about some of this shit.

Later.......................................Dave

"One Picture...........Sometimes Inspires A Thousand Words!........................."

Good Evening;

Well........ this link from "Portraits Of Boston" taken from the the "Teabonics -- WTF Happened To The Republican Party"
Facebook page has a lot to say about attitudes......

http://portraitsofboston.com/post/51642418820/hey-man-take-my-picture-i-cant-do-it-its

Read the conversation......

Later.......................Dave

"Say Whatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt??????????????????...................."

Good Afternoon;

So.......A link to the silly side of Homeless folk;

"Did I Read That Right??!!!!"

Later..................Dave

" Where In The World Is "WOTS"..................................."

Good Afternoon;

So.... If you were wondering where to get your copy of
"Word On The Street"... aka "WOTS"

http://wordonthestreetbaltimore.wordpress.com/2013/05/30/wots-vendors-will-be-at-charles-village-festival-this-weekend/

Later.................Dave

"Be A BBQ Angel.... Whether Giving a Gift Of Food Or Foodserving........"

Good Afternoon;

Well.......I'll be here soon with lots of interesting news to report...
--- past,  present,  & near future ---
(Yesterday's court date - Housing - S.S.I. - Foodstamps - M.A. - et. al.)

WATCH THIS SPACE!

For now... a link to WOTS, about the need for help with the
Homeless Persons BBQ on July 27th

http://wordonthestreetbaltimore.wordpress.com/2013/05/30/upcoming-need-volunteers-for-the-wots-bbq-for-the-homeless/

Later.....................Dave

" E Pluribus Nada........"

Good Evening;
 A link to a cartoon and a column from POVERTY INSIGHTS:

http://www.povertyinsights.org/


Later...................Dave

"200 Mile Per Hour Reality Check..............................."

Good Afternoon;

Well.... The recent tornado in Moore, Oklahoma illustrates how Homelessness can hit ANYONE! While usually not as instant and tragic, we can all be vulnerable to events beyond our control.

And though thoughts and prayers are 'feel good' ways to help, tangible efforts actually help.
the link below is to The American Red Cross Disaster Relief Donations page.

Give-- Money, Blood, And Life

Perspective, a cure for self absorption?.... Not Always!
Check out this slimy piece of shit, a Senator from Oklahoma who refuses to authorize disaster relief for his own damn state without playing political games. Tom Coburn is a worthless waste of oxygen, wish he had been in Moore, instead of the school kids killed when their school building was demolished.

Sumbag Politician

Later..............................Dave

"Toothache.....Infection......Pain.......Misery To The Nth Power......."

Good Afternoon;

Well.......... Both the 104 degree fever and my thermometer broke yesterday.
And it's a damn good thing because I was down to my last 2 painkillers... which I normally break into 4 separate 2 mg. pieces and take a daily dose of 2 mgs. with an occasional increase to 4 mg. on a bad day. The pain and infection that started in my lower left jaw, spread to the upper left jaw and cheek area, and then increased in intensity logarithmically as it settled in the  gums above the broken upper front center incisors, roof of the mouth, nose and sinus region. 
It was the worst, most intense, debilitating pain I have ever felt!!

At the peak it took 4 of my 8 mg buprenorphine sublingual tablets to dull the pain to a bearable level. That is 32 mgs. of a painkiller that mg. for mg. is 
40 times more powerful than Morphine!

The really weird thing is that I have never had pain that was not caused by instant injury or trauma that did not steadily increase as the efficacy of the previously ingested pain meds faded either quicker or slower depending on various factors such as severity of pain and dosage amounts etc.

This pain came back like someone shoved an electrical cord in my mouth and flipped the freakin' breakers! It literally reappeared out of nowhere and could stop/drop me in my tracks! F*ck that!

If the level of pain had increased to the point where it required yet another 8 mg. 'bupe', or I was out of them and stuck out here in the middle of nowhere,
.......well, to euphemize in medical/psychiatric terms; --
 "Ideation would have become Action!"
Yes it was THAT painful.... and the Loyal Readers know all my experiences with surviving "Shock Trauma/Sinai ER7/'near death experience'/'grab the f*cking paddles-charging-clear-again.......again........'/flatlined-clinically dead" pain quality/quantified situations..... more than once!

Anyway..... the fever, and simultaneously the pain broke early Friday afternoon, along with the thermometer. Which I dropped in the sink as I was looking in the bathroom mirror at what I thought was just swollen tissue above the gum line......and which turned out to be a pocket of infected blood, pus, filth, and corruption that burst under my none too gentle manipulations.
And while this nauseated and scared the cowboy shit out of me.... it also relieved the last of the pain and pressure as it drained and I repeatedly rinsed my mouth with Listerine..
....(and squealed like a little girl at the lovely burning sensations......lol)!

So I need root canal work in at least 6 places, encompassing who knows how many of my messed up teeth...... just a bit of free advice boys and girls,....

....."Among the multitude of reasons NOT to do Heroin that you are or will be bombarded with, obvious and not so much so..... one that does not get a whole lot of attention is that besides the incompatibility of good oral hygiene and a junkie lifestyle..... dope in and of itself will suck the freakin' calcium from your teeth, leaving them with the structural integrity of a damn sugar cube!"

I'm still here at Jenn's in the wilds of Northern Baltimore County..... AKA East Bumf*ck!... and this helped in dealing with the situation....... while presenting a whole 'nother set of  sanity challenging issues that I can't even elaborate on here, for obvious reasons of confidentiality and ???????!


The PREAKNESS is about to start, more soon,
Later............................Dave

"Just Checkin' In........................So You Know I Haven't 'Checked Out'....................."

Good Morning;

So..... it's been 5 days short of a month since my last post.... Even with the spotty wifi access I have been dealing with when I am here at Jenn's that I could blame part of the absence on..... the real reason has been a major episode of classical clinical depression. A definite yes on 13 out of 15, and one maybe, on the Burns Depression Checklist;
http://www.uhs.berkeley.edu/home/healthtopics/PDF%20Handouts/Depression%20Check%20List.pdf
(I'm not going to tell you the actual score.... but it was up there!)

Life has gotten even more complicated and it of course had to happen just about the same time as I started receiving my S.S.I. benefits, even though  it's a totally unrelated brand of bullshit, and what's coming off the fan and spraying me is actually collateral damage from other's explosions and implosions.
(I can't go into details now because of confidentiality issues, but more will be forthcoming in future posts as time and distance allow.)

I went to my interview and application session at HABC, (Housing Authority of Baltimore City), for my HCVP, (Housing Choice Voucher Program formerly Section 8), vouchers on Monday with a representative from HCH who drove me over and dropped me off afterwards at the Light Rail. I should hear from them in about 4 weeks.... the search for a place is about to begin next week when I go back to HCH to meet with my caseworker. For the past couple weeks and at least until the end of May, I have been and will be, here at Jenn's...... (for reasons that will be explained later, as stated above).

Anyway..... I'm still alive, if anyone was wondering, and I'll be trying to post more in the future.

Later............................................Dave

"A Need Not For Pity, But For A Righteous Anger, At Our National Shame............."

Good Evening;

A link to a post by Joel John Roberts from "Poverty Insights":

/pity-goes-both-ways/

(Scroll down when the page opens,
there is a large blank white space where ads used to be.)

Later....................................Dave

"..........“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?” ― Ernest Hemingway..........."

Good Evening;

So....I'm still here at Jenn's after cancelling today's appointment's at HCH. At 5:00 am I had gotten about 25 minutes sleep total for the night and was shivering and could not get warm, and my feet and lower legs were numb/tingling-cold/burning-cramped/throbbing all at once. There was no way I was going to be showered, packed and ready to go in the 30 -45 minutes left before Tom would be leaving to go to work in Hampden. I called and left messages cancelling my appointments and crawled into the recliner and wrapped up and shivered in and out of a shallow sleep until my grandson went to school at 9:00 am., than crawled into his bed and piled on the quilts until I got warm...or nearly so. I finally fell into a period of solid sleep at 11:00 am. until 1:00 pm. and woke up warm enough but still feeling like 2 bags of dead mice. I'm staying here again tonight and tomorrow morning and riding back into Baltimore with Jenn's cousin Sydney who's living here in the attic and who works at the Mt. Washington Tavern. I cancelled the appointment with the psych nurse tomorrow too, because I won't be getting into town until after the scheduled time of the appointment, and because my only other transportation option would be again at 5:30 am..... and I plan to be in deep R.E.M. sleep then.... one way or another. Last night even Melatonin and Vistaril were of little help. Tonight I'm going to adjust the dosage times according to some research into the metabolization rates and also the reaction times and it's efficacy in combination with my buprenorphine.... as the saying goes... "timing is everything".

I'll see you tomorrow with the after-action reports....
“Oh God, midnight’s not bad, you wake and go back to sleep, one or two’s not bad, you toss but sleep again. Five or six in the morning, there’s hope, for dawn’s just under the horizon. But three, now, Christ, three A.M.! Doctors say the body’s at low tide then. The soul is out. The blood moves slow. You’re the nearest to dead you’ll ever be save dying. Sleep is a patch of death, but three in the morn, full wide-eyed staring, is living death! You dream with your eyes open. God, if you had strength to rouse up, you’d slaughter your half-dreams with buckshot! But no, you lie pinned to a deep well-bottom that’s burned dry. The moon rolls by to look at you down there, with its idiot face. It’s a long way back to sunset, a far way on to dawn, so you summon all the fool things of your life, the stupid lovely things done with people known so very well who are now so very dead – And wasn’t it true, had he read somewhere, more people in hospitals die at 3 A.M. than at any other time...” 
― Ray Bradbury, Something Wicked This Way Comes

Later...............................Dave

"Post SOMATIC Stress Disorder?..........................."

Good Afternoon;

Well.....it's Sunday afternoon and I'm here at Jenn's about to figure out the timing and logistics of when and how I am getting back in town today or early tomorrow morning. I have a doctors appointment at HCH at 9:30 am. and after that a meeting at 11:00 am. with my caseworker, Sean.  And then I'll be back there at  3:00 pm. Tuesday to see my Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner to review my meds.

As for where I'll be spending my nights once I get back into Baltimore....well, that's the $64,000.00 question, isn't it?

Elana, expressed it quite succinctly in her comment to the previous post;

"We are getting old, and living like this gets old"

And my addition to that would be;

"and exhausting, too!!!!!"

Which is one of the main reasons I've slacked off on writing here as often as I used to, I'm not just tired of writing about homelessness, I'm also just so damn tired recently, as if with the approval of my S.S.I. there was a rider or attachment of mandatory 'Chronic Fatigue Syndrome'.

Anyway, it's time to check out Craigslist, since Tom had a DJ job last night and took the MiFi wireless hotspot and I haven't checked to see if there were any new listings yesterday afternoon or evening.

Later...................................Dave