Quotation of the Day

Saturday, November 3, 2012

"Outside Looking In......Literally & Figuratively, A Metaphor For My Life...................."

Good Evening;

So...... I put on my new jeans, (hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em!...if the 'Regular Fit' are this freakin' baggy in the ass and thighs, ...then the 'Relaxed Fit' must have enough room to rent out space to a small one ring circus!), the last t-shirt I own without a hole in it, and one of the flannel shirts that I was able to wear from the batch of clothing that Frayda gave me, and walked down to St. Casimirs R.C. Church to stop in at an N.A. meeting I used to go to fairly regularly on Friday nights when I lived down in Fells Point.
I thought that maybe getting out of the apt., some fresh (cold too, with the damn wind that kicked up!!) air, possibly running into someone I knew, (I won't say friends because I 
now realize that so much of what was uttered by so many people was only lip service), and just maybe hearing a speaker who actually had an inspiring story and message to relate.

When I walked in, (a few minutes after the meeting had started and people had settled in), and looked around I saw 2 men and a woman I knew, (but who did not seem to recognize me--see comment above), and a couple faces that looked familiar sitting at a table in the back, older guys who had been around for a long time. Other than that the room was full of strangers,
 mostly 20-40 -somethings who looked like they all came out of the same mold.
After hearing the speaker finish up and open the meeting to comments etc., and then listening to the silence for 8 minutes before someone who really did not have anything to say but was the only person willing to break the ice and go first spoke....

I quietly slipped back out the door and walked across the street to the Safeway. Except for possibly going to an anniversary meeting for someone I know to help them celebrate, this is most likely the last N.A./A.A. meeting I'll be going to. Too many times at too many meetings getting the same feelings and gut reactions...... 
Well, in the Basic Text and the Blue Book it says the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....

The fellowships worked for me when I was trying to get and stay clean, and I give them credit for saving my life and sanity at the time, but now I feel even more of an outsider there then I do among society in general, (and I put the 'L' in loner in most cases.).

Anyway, I spent an hour puttering around the Safeway trying to figure out the best way to spend the $3.00 I had left to spend on food to make it stretch as long as possible. I ended up with a box of rotini pasta, a can of diced tomatoes, a package of Goya Mexican style cookies, and a can of Progresso Cream of Potato with Bacon and Cheese....all for under $3.00......(don't ask.....lol!,....but seriously.....don't!)

I walked back here to apt. I'm cat/apt.sitting at in both a better and worse frame of mind than when I left. I think part of my depression is from the fact that it is beginning to get colder, with each passing day one day closer to winter and also one day closer to the end of my stay here. And the uncertainty of not knowing exactly when that is going to be or how much advance notice I am going to have is starting to eat at me too.

I am going to have a some of the soup poured over some of the rotini pasta and some crackers then see if I can get to sleep before it is almost dawn for a change.


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