Hello,
I hope everyone had a nice XMAS and Hannukah, (and Kwaanza?).
I want to take a minute to thank everyone who has helped me over the past week or so, whether with cash, food, offers of clothing and blankets, advice and information, and especially those wonderful people who stopped and said that they had nothing or apologized for the amount they donated, but who took the time and the effort to speak to me, who told me they would pray for me and wished me better things in the future. And to the people who stopped and said they had nothing now, where would i be at a certain time, and then actually came back and gave me a gift, GOD BLESS YOU. It is hard not to be overwhelmed by the feelings of gratitude that I am experiencing right now, the ordinary folks in this town who give, expecting nothing in return, counterbalance the whole dysfunctional bureaucratic system that is supposed to be in place to assist but only exists to perpetuate itself. { [another] Specific example that has inspired this belief : On Dec. 18th I was requested and required to present myself for an interview for recertification and redetermination of eligibility for benefits for Food Stamps, WHICH I DID!! ,on time, and with the proper information asked for, I was told that the procedures had changed and that since I had a working phone I need not wait around, I would be contacted by a case worker for a phone interview, all well and good....When I went to where I get my mail, there is a letter from D.S.S. stating that I had not appeared for my appt. and that my benefits are in jeopardy, and that I much come in A.S.A.P., of course I did not receive this notice until XMAS eve afternoon, and with the mandatory furloughs enforced on the non-essential state and city workers this holiday I am not going to be able to deal with this until Monday at the earliest..and of course I am supposed to go the clinic Monday a.m.......and the shit is just rolling down hill from there....( as the proverb says " Man plans --- GOD laughs " )}. RED TAPE and INERTIA are as much killers as are the hypothermia, malnutrition, and physical and mental illnesses that plague the homeless. Right now I am also fighting against the DEPRESSION that haunts me. Strange as it may seem, combined with the gratitude and thankfulness, my joy at spending time with Rachel (more on that subject later today), and the unconditional love from her and from my best and oldest friend AnnaMarie and her family, I am feeling really unworthy and filled with a certain amount of loathing at myself, thoughts of checking out (EUPHEMISM ALERT) are surfacing, [ ideations only, no plans, plots or proposals ], and, since I am trying to use this journal as therapy, to be brutally honest, with you as well as with my self, I REALLY want to shoot up some dope right now, some GOOD DOPE, and escape into numbness and the domains of Lethe and the Lotus Eaters. I am so grateful (there's that word again) for Buprenorphine right now, because I know that if I attempt to use I will feel nothing, and that while I have an emotionally driven desire, there are no physical symptoms, and no CRAVINGS pushing me over the edge into the abyss. So, I'll deal with it, and thank you, faithful reader for indulging me...I JUST DID! Any way the computer is timing out and I am going now, I feel much better for telling someone how I am feeling and the true feelings of gratitude are back, you know, those warm fuzzies, we hard cases don.t liketo admit to.
cya....Dave
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