Hangin' out & Hangin' on

Hey All;

It's been a couple of days since I was last here, (although the last post is dated the 26th, I actually did not get it online until Sunday night the 28th), and it has been fairly uneventful. I was out on my corner Sunday and I made a connection with the route owner of the area for the Balto. Sunpaper, through one of his street sales employees, and with luck I will have work for this Sunday, we'll see at about 5:30 am next Sunday morning. Standing on the corner selling the paper is one step up on the ladder, and if it leads to more weekends, that is at minimum, one less day I have to panhandle, (depending on the pay scale--still to be finalized, as are the exact hours), and hopefully, one connection will lead to another. I have to refile appeal my S.S.I., because they claim I did not supply them with the information they requested in the allotted time...Of couse if one looks at the dates of their communications, and the dates allowed to respond one will see that somehow there is a discrepancy....and if phone calls were returned within a reasonable period and NOT just before the phones are put on automatic forwarding to voice mail at closing time before weekends and holidays............hmmmm, sound to me like a built in system for non-compliance....kinda like Vegas, odds are in favor of the house? As I mentioned in a previous post a similar situation exists at D.S.S., where I am headed next. On the positive side, I received a letter from D.O.R.S. inviting me to apply on Jan. 6th at their Balto. City Rehab. facility; we shall see what we shall see. We took Rachel to see 34th Street again this year, she loved it , I am so blessed with this child, what an incredible little person she is, if for no other reason at all in my life, I am truly Grateful. I have been feeling rather rough physically in the past few days, joint pain so severe that the meds dull it but not eliminate it, to the point of actual Inertia, I just could not move for the ache, of course this triggered the clinical depression, which tried to kickstart the old "F**K IT WHY BOTHER" cycle that I so easily fall into, but thankfully I was able to pull my head out of my ass this time, before being overcome with despair. I attribute this to consciously attempting to maintain an "attitude of gratitude" ( as cornball and cliche' as it sounds, it's true), and the effects, both prescribed of and anecdotal to the buprenorphine I have been scrupulously taking. I will be at the doctors/clinic first thing tomorrow, because my blood pressure is also reaching alarming levels, and I have to deal with it before the years end (for my own psychological reasons). There is folk saying that states , "how you spend New Years Eve and New Years Day is how your year will go", in retrospect, I am finding a huge amount of truth in this, so superstition or not, I am being as pro-active as I can, in any way I can, '09 has gotta be a year of change for me too, not just the country. The hardest part for me is to KEEP up this attitude, and to not let the inevitable set backs hold me down, (or ME hold myself down). I also have to overcome my fear of success, those thoughts of others expectations and my own twisted feelings that any succeeding in any way was a fluke, and I will not be able to repeat it, and the idea that if I was successful in something once (whatever it may be), that I-- MUST!!! -- be a success everytime from then on, no matter what. I believe that just recognizing the irrationality of these feelings is an improvement, and broadcasting them, (even if nobody is reading this, {it is for me after all}), is a major step in my recovery and renewal. And I am finally trying to come to grips with my need for both redemption and instant results, Okay psych. majors, explain to me my self contradictory, desires for instant gratification and tendencies toward procrastination....I really oughta rent myself out for study maybe I can make some money off being nuts, and being one of those really twisted and confusing case studies that professors love so much, that are filled with exceptions to all the standard diagnoses, and which drive their interns batty...LOL. Well I cheered myself up at least, and I went places that I had no idea I was going when I started to write today, so even if I don't educate...I entertain.........see you later.........Dave