Saturday, December 20, 2008


The rollercoaster that I call my life is back in operation again.
When I signed off yesterday, I was on my way to an interview regarding a place to live, it was scheduled for 4:00 pm. on a Friday, right in the middle of the most productive time to acquire some cash, especially being the last weekend before XMAS. So I was not only trying to stave off an anxiety attack due to the stress of this meeting, I was worried about not being able to have enough cash on hand to ensure that I would not run out of my medication over the holidays. But, it was pouring down rain all day, so I did not get soaked standing out on the side of the road. After the initial feelings of discomfort stabilized and we ( the homeowner ) both began to relax a bit the interview seemed to go well and a trial period was agreed on, where I would cat/house-sit for about 6 weeks in Jan.-Feb.. This was the situation as I left there at 7:00 pm..
This morning I awoke to feelings of nausea and extreme discomfort, and severe pain in my back and my joints, on the physical level, and non-specific feelings of anxiety, depression and paranoia on the mental level,
{If I was still using I'd say I was ILL, ""BUT I AM NOT!!!"" ,}
{I really don't need this shit.}
But... I had a place to stay lined up for most of the middle of the winter, with the possible option of an extended habitation,
SO...about 11:00 am. my phone rings, it's Louise and she has changed her mind about the cat sitting gig...........great, I wasted 4 hours yesterday that could have been financially productive, and 3 hours this morning getting all my references in order, tracking down addresses and filling out the application form she gave me.
I' m not mad about being turned down in and of itself...but if you had second thoughts in the beginning as you said...WHY DID YOU WASTE MY TIME???!! At the same time I am relieved, because I was advised by someone with more knowledge, wisdom, and experience that some of the information that was requested was too personal and confidential, and was not legally required nor prudent to disseminate in these times of identity theft, (not that I felt it would be used in such a way...BUT?) and I did not have to tell her that I refused to reveal said data. ( I hate confrontation of any sort and perhaps that is what was causing the above symptoms...HMMM gotta ask the head doc.) { I think that I must explore the possible relationship of the anticipation/anxiety/depression combination vis a vis the very real and very scary, debilitating condition they leave me in, there are occasions I am truly NON-functional, even at times with suicidal ideations, because of a fear of confrontation or even interpersonal contact with the possibility (and in my mind that always translates to PROBABILITY ) of rejection. Whoa......where did this shit sneak in here from?
Went off on a bit of a tangent, didn't I?
In any case I am gone for now,
gotta make some bucks somehow!
I'll work or beg, won't borrow or steal,
Whatta ya got? let's make a deal!
donations accepted!...I'l write you some real poetry,
for a larger donation, I WON"T send it to you!
( that was a joke folks)
OK, I feel a bit better by venting some, and that is one of the purposes of this journal. I'm heading out now to attempt to get some cash or whatever assistance is offered, I am neither too proud nor too picky to refuse help.
Thanks for listening...if you are still here,.......................DAVE

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