Le Petite Post

Hello all;

Just a short message today to say hi, I have hit the bottom of the bucket money wise and am on my way out to the corner to try to acquire a couple of dollars, and then I am going to Lutherville to make the acquaintance of my new friend Angela. I don't want to jinx anything but......oh well...'we shall see what we shall see'..(don't ask me why, but I just like that little phrase..LOL). If things do not work out tonight, I really have to find new shelter ASAP! I am waking up each night about 4:15 am. with painfully cold feet, most likely due to poor circulation and hypertension, my quilt got boarded up in the garage Monday. Perhaps I have a heavy blanket left at the ex'es house. I am not going to get to see Rachel today...I MUST AND WILL TOMORROW!!

As I said in last nights post... http://www.returnvoyage.com/ ...CHECK IT OUT!!!!!

OH YEAH..A thought that was inspired by an op/ed in today's Baltimore Sunpaper, by the Rev. Richard Lawrence of 'St. Vincent De Paul Catholic Church' in downtown Baltimore. The piece touched on donations being dropped to the homeless living in the park next to the church, and the food and clothing that must be destroyed because of spoilage and weather damage. The point that I personally want to address is... we, the homeless have a major problem of storage vs. stealage (my word, but you get the point), one can only carry so much and eat so much, and when someone stops and offers food or clothing and we (I) say no thank you--politely--and try to explain, there often is a backlash of criticism and/or abuse, usually starting with statements about our "lack of gratitude" and sometimes escalating into rants about how "you're not really homeless or needy, or you would not turn anything down". I just want to say..There are time when food and clothing are not the IMMEDIATE NEEDS; personal hygiene, meds, laundromats and soap, among other things, such as the occasional night in a rented room where the check-out time is well after dawn, even the ability to walk in and pay for a cup of coffee are necessities. Does anyone out there reading this know the huge difference in self esteem and peace of mind that can be measurably felt when one has actual cash in one's pocket....even if one does not spend it, or perhaps I should say ESPECIALLY!if one does not spend it. To some $20.00 is less than an hours wage (and to some...much more), but I can sometimes squeeze Andy Jackson 'til he screams, or make him feel like Stretch Armstrong, for up to a week! I understand and have no problem with those who opt not to give cash to homeless folks for fear of drug/alcohol abuse, I myself sometimes make those judgement calls when I give. But please, just remember, there are not a lot of closets or kitchen pantrys on a park bench, or a steam grate! Also, our needs vary, from day to day, and season to season, just like yours, and there truly is both a practical and theraputic value in the feel and sound of coins and bills, beyond the obvious. Back on Saturday..........Dave

Humbled by Huliau

Hi again;

I don't know where to start, at the Starbucks I frequent in Pikesville I made the acquaintance of a wonderful couple, 'Iokepa and Inette, he is native Hawaiian and she is of Jewish heritage from Baltimore. They are are on a journey/quest/pilgrimage/????? known as "Huliau-The Return Voyage", they have been traveling the country facilitating 'Gatherings', a celebration/ceremony rooted in native Hawaiian spiritual beliefs....I am really doing a most inadequate job here...go to the web site for yourself please.... http://www.returnvoyage.com/ please check this out. It is homelessness with out being homeless, rootlessness while being rooted in the very foundations of both the world and the spirit. I am moved, scared, humbled, inspired, beyond the point of where I can express with my mere wordplay what I felt when I read these words, thoughts, ideas, and ideals. This is what I want somehow to do, what I need to do, maybe what I am meant to do. I was reading and began to shake and was overcome with such a chill, as if a cold wind was blowing over me right here in this over heated library.....Wind??? Breath??? am I conceited to presume. All I know is I am somehow connected, I am proud of my Judaism, though I choose not to be religious, and yet I have always felt a pull to the islands and oceans of the South Pacific, and to the culture and spiritual paths of the people, I claim no Hawaiian blood that I am aware of, but.......I don't even know what I am trying to say.... Something dormant has been stirred, will it awaken, am I strong enough to do what they have done? Have I fallen far enough to be able to arise? In talking with 'Iokepa, I always felt intrigued and interested, but after reading his words, and Inette's, I just don't know what to say much less do. I am still shaking, go to the site, read it...did anyone else hear the, the..., the....., I am not sure what..it was like an almost heard distant whisper, on the edge of comprehension, and understanding, like the voice of someone speaking to another, when you are on the cusp of dreams and consciousness, the sound of a loved one when you are under anaesthesia, about to slip into that comatose state. Maybe I am crazy, maybe I'm lucky. Either way I've been...touched???? reached out to????

I'm confused.......help me.......Dave

Showered with shirts..

Good afternoon all;

The rain and ice yesterday ended up being much too nasty to travel in, so I turned back around and got back on the computer and started an e-friendship and conversation with my new cyber buddy Mary, and checked out some free DVDs. I went back to Starbucks and read until they closed at 8:00 pm., emptied their garbage so they would not have to deal with the ice, and came back to the library. I rode the subway for a few hours after the library closed, and finally bedded down about 11:30 pm. I was comfortable until around 5:00 am. and the I got a chill in my feet I could not warm up, so i got up at 6:00 am. and went to.. where else!! I tried to find place to shower and could not, until 2:30 pm. when I reached my friend Mordecai, and he had me meet him at his place. As we were leaving he brought out a bunch of shirts for me to check out, so now I have 3 new long sleeve button down dress/sport shirts...Ala I need now is a new (at least to me ) pair of pants without a busted zipper, I think the safety pin holding this pair is about too rust to death...LOL. I am hoping to be able to see Rachel tomorrow (and wash a load of clothes at her mother's house, if she is not in one of her "obstructive" moods).

I am starting to get frustrated/worried/nervous about cash right now. I am down to my last $1.50 and although I have meds for a few days, and some food, and coffee credit, there is still a different vibe in my life when I have a few bucks in my pocket. I could go out to the corner, but it is really cold, I don't want to deal with the junkie crew competition, and I just don't want to. I am trying to find some way to make some money(legit), but no luck yet, I'll keep up the prayers and something will drop....always does (eventually).

I have been examining the idea of somehow acquiring a Baltimore City Peddler's permit. I figure that, if I like standing around on a street corner , I may as well be legally making money at it, perhaps I can find an "Angel" as they're called on Broadway, to stake me the license and some sort of small easily portable stock. NO NOT THAT KIND!!!

ANY TAKERS???? times up, gotta go for now, ....Dave

Double Homelesscide....or OY, You're Killing Me!

Greetings and Hallucinations;

Hi Guys, (which is Rachel's latest phrase);

Sometimes my life seems as if it is all a dream...a bad dream! You know sh*t is bad when a homeless guy is evicted from an abandominium! I went to where I have been sleeping, peacefully, quietly, and drama free, on Monday night, and lo and behold, for the first time in a year, the land(slum)lord has had some work done to the building! Of course it was in the form of boarding up an open doorway that has been left open for over a year with the broken door lying on the driveway covered with leaves and detritus. The broken windows all over the building (which I have had no contact or interactions with) were also fixed, some have been broken out since we lived in the building, more than 2 years ago. I have a feeling that "The CAT LADY" was spying on me, no it is not paranoia (this time...LOL), but you know the type I mean living on a fixed income, wearing mismatched rags and spending her whole check feeding about 3 dozen stray cats every day, TWICE a day, when we lived in the building the cats would constantly be peeing and fighting and spraying in the basement and the foyer and any empty space they could get into..the place smelled lovely!!, But of course this woman lives in the senior citizen building on the NEXT lot over, so none of this affects her and no amount of reasoning, asking, pleading, or threatening with legal actions made a difference, we were finally forced to resort to an exterminator and 'Animal Control' from the city of Baltimore was called. In the end because of the feral nature of many of these animals.. drastic measures were taken......SO, I was leaving my little hidey-hole later than usual, (after dawn) one day and the harridan recognized me and became ..quite agitated .. shall I say, and of course again this Monday morning, lack of sleep had accrued enough SO that I overslept... and who was outside with a NEW batch of cats???, in short...I am out of a place to sleep, late at night, cold and about to snow. Luckily I knew of a 'backup'..it's not the best, I'll go into detail tomorrow, but I was sheltered from the weather, if not the cold. I am meeting with someone Friday evening to see if there is a compatibility factor and any basis for some sort of arrangement in regards to a shelter for services trade/barter. But you know what faithful reader(s), I just have a 'feeling' about this person (to remain anonymous until????) that, even if there is no common ground for an exchange...I just might be making a new friend.

I am out of here for now, on my way to Anna Marie's for a much needed shower and wash day.

Oh yeah, I finally was forced, by economic necessity, to step out on the corner to ask the citizens of Baltimore for monetary assistance (what the hell!-- sounds better than saying "panhandling"...LOL). I needed too resupply my self with meds., so I went out for an hour on Friday, Saturday, and about 45 minutes on Monday evenings around 4:00-5:00 pm. each day, it is a good thing that I am no longer feeding an addiction. As I mentioned yesterday, the meltdown from Wall Street has 'trickled down' (thank you Pres. Reagan) to the 'mean street', the ratio of cars stopping to the total volume of cars passing has dropped dramatically, although I made more in an hour on Friday than I can ever expect to make in a job, without some serious training/schooling and a break in regards to finding a job....on Monday I left with $1.35..ouch! ALSO, the corner where I like to stand has been taken over by a quartet of dope fiends/crack heads who double team the intersection while going to cop drugs in shifts....I am TRYING not to be judgemental, but it is hard when my livelihood is affected. I gotta go get washed up now,...I stink...see you all later.............Dave

As I was Saying......(prev. post from Mon. cont'd.)

Back with more:

As most of you know I have been posting ads on Craigs List looking for somewhere to live in exchange for any work/services I may be able to offer, and on my sign that I hold up when I am on the corner panhandling, the first thing it says after a declaration of my homelessness, is "NEED A ROOM---WILL WORK FOR RENT". I have received several responses and pursued a few of the possibilities, and, actually moved in for a very short time at one location. It was not meant to be, and for courtesy's sake...I'll leave it at that. Well, I've got another possibility, and even if it does not come to fruition, I feel that I must mention the kind words, thoughts, and concerns that this total stranger has had for me, because, after all that was the original point of this little blog. Angela, who I have not yet met, other than by e-mail, has worried about me and where I have been sleeping in this cold weather, this may not sound like much to you and I cannot properly convey how and why I am so moved without showing you her e-mails to me, and that would be a violation of privacy, which I feel would be wrong. Suffice it to say, they touched me and again strengthened my belief in the goodness of people and reinforced my sense of gratitude, that, even though I am where I am...I am NOT where I was! Thank You Angela.

I also, just for sh*ts and giggles, placed a personal ad on Craigs List, I was straight up and said I was homeless right up front, I actually had a really nice reply, which I responded to, and I am still awaiting her reply to. Who knew?? Who knows??

A few bits of trivia from the street level on the current economic crisis:

Most every night I get off the bus at Reisterstown Road Plaza, between

9:00 and 11:00 pm., I walk past the drive thru windows of the Checkers, KFC, Long John Silvers, Panda Express, and the vacuum cleaners on the lot of the gas station/car wash, and check the ground below them for change...well, most of last winter and this spring and summer, I could count on at least $1.30 a night on the average, sometimes more on certain weekend or holidays. The past few months, it has dropped off to about .20 cents on average!!.......

alright, alright, it is closing time....more tomorrow,,,Dave

Apolgies--and assorted ramblings

HELLO THERE!

I am sorry that I have not been posting anything for the past week, it is/was a combination of complacency, procrastination, depression, boredom, time factors and computer availability, and general ennui. All this, combined with a voluntary slide into some addictive behavior patterns, NOT!!! DRUG USE OR DRUG OR ALCOHOL RELATED!!!!, which, while relatively harmless, ate up a lot of time. I have, on a fairly regular basis acess to my ex'es portable DVD player, and to save money, instead of paying rental fees at the library, low as they are, I have been borrowing Classic movies and also TV series and PBS series such as Nova. Well.....of course the series dvds come as sets and complete seasons, AND, addict that I am, I must watch them from start to finish, and unless I had something pressing to do, I took advantage of the AC power at Starbucks or the library to save battery power, and of course, did not get on the computer. I am about to be bumped off right now so I am going to post these as I get access instead of all at once. So if you are reading and it seems disjointed....it is....LOL............DAVE

Hope--Change--'Yes We Can!'--"Yes We DID"--"'Yes I WILL!!"'

Good Morning America, How Are You;

Don't you know me?, I'm your native son!!

Welcome all, I am cold, tired, sore, lonely, depressed, dead broke, and homeless....

And right now I am so damn proud to be an American, that these seem like minor annoyances! I would rather be where I am right now than wealthy and privileged in another country. Did you all see or hear Pres. Obama's speech today as he took office? Short, sweet, succinct, powerful, and inspiring! I feel compelled to achieve something, that it is inevitable and ordained. I am reminded of Pres. John F. Kennedy's "ASK NOT--" speech and I get the same chills, from both men's oratory, (reading the transcripts just doesn't cut it), and I feel the same sense of possibility and capability in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds when I listened to BHO's inaugural address as when I heard JFK's challenge to America to " Send a man to the surface of the Moon, and return him safely..."

I am inspired to take charge of my life and rejoin productive society, and to go out and volunteer, and have a hand in the rebuilding of the American Dream and the refurbishing of the American Ideal.

The question is, will this zeal survive tonight, when I again bed down in an 'abandominium', will I still be this enthused when the old prostate says "get up and pee" at 4:00 in the morning and I have to crawl out of my nice warm sleeping bag, put on my frozen boots and stumble outside in 20 degree temps.?.... You know what I really think I that....... it will and I will. I am aware that I am riding an emotional and adrenaline high, and that it will not last, but I think that this knowledge and awareness will offset the usual crash and depression that I normally would expect and experience. The instant gratification and immediate solutions I crave, are hopefully, this time , tempered by a new sense of patience and clear thinking, that will allow me to not become discouraged and give up. THAT has been one of the banes of my existence, (and a typical addictive trait and behavior), and a major 'trigger' in my episodes of self destruction. Maybe the absence of substance use and the presence of 'bupe' will counteract much of the negative, self imposed stumbling blocks I seem to construct. The only major worry is to not succumb to a sense of 'manana' , procrastination being the other face of my two headed coin of emotional instability. (sorry there was a sale on $2.00 words----3 for a buck!!... LOL )

Anyway.. if I (and the country as a whole) can stay 'imbued'?, 'infused'?, with this feeling of 'it CAN be done' I think 2009 shows real promise, for me both as a 'person in need' and as a 'citizen in deed'. I know that tomorrow will still dawn as cold as today and I will still be flat broke, but I'll deal with it and results will not be instantaneous. I'll look for the little improvements and be grateful for them, meanwhile, I am still living in a country that has successfully turned over it's control of it's government PEACEFULLY!!! 44, that's FORTY-FOUR times. And I am living, and have lived through some of mankind's most momentous events, social, and technological.

I had my Ex be sure that my daughter Rachel watched at least a small part of the Inauguration and a bit of the parade, which may leave more of a concrete memory, just to try to give her something to anchor onto, I can remember JFK's inauguration, and I hope that she will remember this one.

Man, I feel both tiny and huge at the same time, at this moment, it is better than any drug I have ever tried...(and we all know that I was a research volunteer for

the loyal opposition in the war on drugs...LOL)

Later..and God Bless America...Dave...

Oh Yeah........SH*T...SH*T...SH*T...SHI*...SH*T...

...SH*T...SH*T...SH*T...SH*T...SH*T...SH*T...

...sh*t...sh*t...sh*t...sh*t...sh*t...

++LEGAL DISCLAIMER ON ANYTHING WRITTEN IN PURPLE++

this has been an editorial commentary on the AFC Playoff game, AND!!! the continuing quality of officiating that seems to be conspiring against the RAVENS.

(All opinions expressed are sole property of the writer, editor, and management,...ME!!!)

(and no claim is made on the basis of their reasonableness or rationality)

(in fact, emotion and my dislike of the Stealers could have a lot to do with their content!)

Ah well...."Next year in Jerusalem".....(or the NFL equivalent)

D.B.C.

Flash Frozen...Freeze Dried...I.Q.F....

Hello my fellow denizens of the deep-freeze;

Just wanted to post a note to say I am still alive after last night's 'Big Chill'. The Raven Fever currently over-running Baltimore is only one reason that I am bright purple, as is the surrounding air from my prose regarding my deep abiding hatred of c'c'c'cold weather! The most exciting thing that has happened in the past 24 hours has been watching my pee freeze on contact with the ground at 4:00 am. this morning when I was forced out of my sleeping by the call of nature (and an aging prostate), {sorry to those of delicate sensibilities...LOL}. Oh yeah and a $3.00 winner on an instant lottery ticket scratch-off.

More later, if I have any inspirations. I was going to go downtown to hear Pres. Elect Obama speak, but it is just too damn cold, my feet and my hands become extremely painful and unbearable, I'll catch it in the newspaper tomorrow and on the internet.

Bye for now....Dave

And one more thing..

--RAVENS--RAVENS--RAVENS--RAVENS--RAVENS--

Ice..Ice..Baby

G..G..G..G..G..Greetings all;

Who turned down the heat? I know it's cold when I exhale and the steam cloud falls to the ground and shatters! Truthfully, I actually was very comfortable last night in my sleeping bag, except for the tip of my nose that I have to leave exposed to breathe. I made the mistake of taking a deep breath when I crawled out of the old fart sack this morning, even out of the wind the air was so chilled it hurt my lungs for a minute or so. I am damn glad I do not smoke! TANGENT ALERT: speaking of farts..I read in the newspaper this morning that scientists have confirmed evidence of methane escaping from the interior of the planet Mars....I know I am twisted but, the first thing I pictured was, LGMs (that is Little Green Men for the S.F. challenged out there) sitting around in a cavern deep within the planet, re-creating the campfire scene from "Blazing Saddles", thank you Mel Brooks!..LOL Today I am staying indoors as much as possible, and I had a comforter dropped off to me (and I got a chance to see my lovely little Rachel for a moment) as an extra precaution for tonight, if I do not find somewhere indoors to crash, as I've said before I Really Hate shelters. By the way, it is the 16th of January and I have NOT stood out on the corner and Panhandled! It may sound like a small thing to some, but even on those days when I ended up with a fairly substantial amount of cash, and I had the peace of mind that financial security to meet my immediate needs and still have a few bucks in my pocket brings, there was always a slight feeling of disatisfaction. (This is really confuckted, because at the same time, when there were not weather issues, I actually enjoyed standing out on the curb and talking to people, yes and taking the money too.... I gotta get to the doctor and get a mental health referral, this love/hate, yin/yang stuff is starting to go beyond my ability to self or auto-analyze.) So living at a level, while still well below the poverty line, but not begging make me feel somewhat normal, and acceptable. My next challenge, besides the priority one of HOUSING!!!, is to become productive, whether it is through employment or volunteer service, (depending on the disability determination, and treatment and/or training...etc.).

Oh yeah, Sunpapers writer Kevin Cowherd e-mailed me back after I wrote him yesterday, and I am hoping to meet up with him next week. Again a small thing to you, but a major milestone on the road to regaining normalcy to me. Without the aid of Buprenorphine, I would not have been able to make even these small steps. Bit by bit...the thing that I must do now is to not let myself be overcome by either hubris or anxiety and keep moving forward, or upward, or onward, (or I'll end up in the Insane Ward!! LOL)....speaking of sanity or the lack thereof, I watched The Marx Brothers.."A Night At The Opera", it is still one of the funniest movies ever made, especially the bit about the ' sanity clause' ..........gotta go ......Dave

P.S.......just so any one reading this knows.....I AM open to ANY assistance, advice, suggestions, to a JOB that I could/can do in EXCHANGE for a PLACE to LIVE; to----(and I am being honest and practical here, NOT greedy or mercenary)---- gifts, donations, or charity; from a place to sleep that is not a shelter; to cash, checks or money orders; to gift cards at stores or restaurants, to clothing or footwear. Hell, I'll take anything that anyone does not want or need anymore but still has value, (and is small enough for me to carry) and I could sell at a pawn shop. To anyone who wants to start calling me bum or leech, LOOK at the first items I listed, you will notice that the words JOB and EXCHANGE are in close proximity....you know who you are..that is why you are blocked from my e-mail.....genius! Sorry about that faithful readers, some people's kids...eh?

Thanks to all who are reading this, your comments, and E-mails mean a lot and matter to me...............Dave

Door Into Summer

A Very Chilly Good Afternoon;

It is colder than.....I could go on and on but in the name of P.C. I'll leave it at that. Yes it is going to be in the single digit range tonight, with wind chills at ZERO!! I hate cold weather, but at least I should be safe enough and warm enough, with a couple layers of clothes and sweats and socks, and the '0 degree' sleeping bag. I really feel for those who are not so lucky, and are in dangerous circumstances due to a combination of the weather and their own mental demons, which cause them to stay away from the shelters and emergency "warming" centers set up by the city. Although I too choose to avoid the shelter system, I am aware of the reasons I do so and if push comes to shove, rather than die I WILL go to a shelter.

There was a column in the "Baltimore Sunpapers" today in the YOU section by Kevin Cowherd that was both humorous and quite on the mark regarding panhandling and peoples reactions to same. He started out by noting how some of those on the corners asking for help/money were being displaced by vendors/hawkers selling Raven's souvenirs. He then commented on the fact that peoples reactions to the homeless varied from the blind to the annoyed and angry, in the most part, with some accusing us of working a 'scam' to separate them from their money. As he goes on to say, much more eloquently than I am here, out on a corner in the rain, cold, snow, and extremes of heat and humidity, for a dollar or a couple of coins????, if I was working a scam I would be in better environmental conditions and looking for a much better return!!!!....(see his column..1/15/09). Anyway...THANKS Kevin!! One other reaction is the (usually) white, male, mid-twenties, redneck, drinking and driving type who helpfully shouts out things like "Get a job you bum", (ignoring the reality of the highest unemployment rate in decades, and the current spate of layoffs in all fields),( and the simple fact that many of us out there are simply physically, emotionally, and mentally unable to do what work is out there, not to mention unskilled or unqualified) or "you're too clean to be homeless". I'm gonna publish this now and hope I get more computer time later and add some more thoughts.........Dave

Long Time Gone

Hello and Sorry for the absence;

I have not made an entry in my journal here since last Saturday afternoon before the Raven's game (they won!!! so I am staying with various shades of purple until after they kick Pittsburgh's ass!!). Nothing much has been going on either really good or really bad in my life at the moment, and that is a good thing, though hard to get used to. Stability in any form is pretty much alien to me. I have actually been staying inside since last Thursday night, when my ex traded me loding for a night in exchange for last minute daycare for my daughter Rachel, on Friday. Well she knows that unless I am dead or dying, I am always available for my little girl, so the kindness of a night indoors was greatly appreciated although not a necessary part of the deal. I ended up having "access" shall we say to a temporarily unoccupied house for Friday night through Tuesday (last) night. I was like the wind...'slip in-slip out, leave no trace, and no one the wiser', and it was/is a place where I am on occassion allowed to make use of the facilities/premises, I just went on precedent....{I've been watching too many old 'Perry Mason' DVDs...LOL}. The weather has been mild to cold, with heavy rain one night and rain mixed with ice once, but like I said I've been indoors. Of course tonight there is bitter cold expected for the next 4 or 5 days with dangerous temperatures in the 'teens and single digits tonight, tomorrow and Friday....story of my life. I have still been procrastinating about going to the doctor...????...not wanting to wait in line for hours?..not wanting to hear some bad health news I KNOW is coming, that will require actions on my part???...not wanting to deal with the bureaucratic hoopla that is involved with appealing a S.S.A. denial??????...Yeah all that and more. It is not depression that holds me back at the moment, but, anxiety, and my old friend 'fear of falling', a case of better the devil you know then the one you don't,...for the first time in years I am not in the grips of either self induced or medically dictated addiction, my pain and depression are at levels of tolerance and functionality that I never thought I would ever see again. It is time to move forward, I know that, but that will mean being back in association with the people and organizations that I really don't like or want to be around, I am currently surrounding my self with NON addicts. And those with all the disorders and mal-adjustments I would have to deal with in excessive numbers simply by being around them is not appealing to me right now.....snobbish? maybe...but I never got high with those people or associated with them before ...why should I now just because I am forced to go through a Gov't sponsored program as opposed to a private one, they are not who I consider my peers. I realize that I do not sound very humble at the moment, but this is my mental health I am struggling to regain... I am NOT going to jeopardize it for someone elses idea of humility..

Outta time ..more Later ... thanks for listening....Dave

Well, I'm back online, I just finished typing 20 of minutes of addenda to this post, and the efffffing computers here at the library 'burped!!' and of course nothing was saved....

Anyway.. I started this journal to show the kindnesses and generosity of regular folks, and to express my gratitude. If you have read some of my recent past posts, you will remember that I have been exchanging messages with Salvador Litvak, director and writer of a wonderful movie titled ' When Do We Eat' . Here is an example of the type of unlooked for and unasked for generosity I am talking about, the other day I received snail mail at my ex'es house, and there was a note and a gift of cash from Sal and his partner Nina Davidovich, all I can say is that I am still stunned that they even read my little blog, much less having responded and started a correspondence. Now this!! WOW These are the things that "keep me keepin' on" as the song goes. Thanks Sal and Nina. Oh yeah...Everyone Else:--- RENT THIS MOVIE!!!!

Slight Tangent; There is another homeless guy, (one of the very few that I associate with), and he is where I have been, most likely "still out there" as regards to addiction, and committing 'acts of opportunity', by that I mean no pre-meditated crimes but petty thefts if no one is looking, enough to eat and 'get well', while still with the morals to feel guilty about his actions. Anyway, whenever I see him, and I have some of the markouts that the folks at Starbucks give me I try to pass some of it on, or give him a couple bucks if I have it. He literally flinches when I reach out to him, and has said to me that he is not used to people being nice to him. I KNOW that feeling, the total lack of worth and self-esteem, and living at a level where an outstreached hand means someone is going to take from you or strike you...just like a beaten stray dog... TO EVERYONE reading this, next time you see a homeless guy who is not trying to scam you, meet his eye, say hello, and if you can't or won't give money, buy him/her a coffee/burger/donut for a buck, and if that's not possible, (I know we are all going through tough economic times), just ask how he is making out, if you know of a church, synagogue, or mosque where he can get some help with dignity suggest it, sometimes all we want is to be acknowledged as fellow human beings. What also means alot to us here on the streets is to be recognized, say hello the next time you see him/her, being remembered, when one cannot even find their own self makes a difference. God night all .......Dave

PLAYOFFS!!!!

Hey;

Just a short note to say hello; I'm on my way over to my friend AnnaMarie's house to watch the

RAVENS!!!

see ya...Dave

Slow Week

Hello everyone;

I'm sorry that I've nothing exicting on even interesting to tell you at this time, my life is really boring right now, and that is a good thing,(boring YES--Boredom NO), I feel almost normal. I have been spending as much time as I can with Rachel, and we went and bought tickets for Disneyland on Ice yesterday, and went to the Dollar store!. It's amazing how much fun we can have for $2.00 and tax!. Hell it's amazing how much money one can end up with when not doing dope (LOL), even being broke! I spent a night an a day off the street at her mother's house while watching her last night and today.

I have been taking advantageof having access to the portable DVD player and the Library's free DVDs. I am finally going to watch 'Gone With The Wind', (or as much as I can before the battery dies) tonight under the covers in my sleeping bag, I'll finish it tomorrow at Starbucks. Anyway, the library is about to close, maybe I'll have some inspiration in the A.M......

............bye for now.DAVE

Back again.........

Hi, it's me again;

I skipped a few days because it has been a slow start to the New Year, and that has turned out to be a good omen, I think. I finally went to D.S.S. to deal with the letter stating that I did not appear for my recertification interview, and after reasonable wait (for this office at this time of day and month), I was called to the desk, and of course I am expecting argument and confrontation, (one of the reasons I was avoiding going back in) based on past experience, and to my delight, I apologetically and pleasantly informed that my data just had not been entered and that my benefits were still active, what a relief. Now we wil see tomorrow if they appear on my card. I also HAVE to get down to the JAI Medical Systems and see a Doctor, my symptoms are increasingly beginning to affect me and my judgement and I need to get prescriptions and tests. This procrastination IS one of the symptoms of my mental illness in action. Another example is the fact that I had an invitation to an open house and group orientation session for applications, at the D.O.R.S. (Dept. of Rehab. Svcs.) of the Md. Dept. of Education, today at 10:00 am. and I spent last night washing body and clothes and checking bus routes and schedules, and this morning woke up early, fully intending to go. But, at the same time I was becoming more and more consumed by an anxiety attack, which triggerred a depressive episode, whereby I convinced my self that it was all a waste of time and I did not deserve any help, etc. etc. etc., bottom line is I never went, and now am dealing with the guilt and self recriminations, this is JUST like after a coke binge, without the drugs.

Tomorrow is another, hopefully better day, I'll try to deal with it then and see if I can get a one on one session, to avoid the G.A.D.

On a happier side, I hope that this is a trend in the coming year, I HAVE NOT PANHANDLED THIS YEAR!!, may not sound like much to all of you, but it really helps my sef esteem, AND, I spent an hour and a half in conversation with my new friend, the one who wanted to introduce me to "The Secret" (see one of the earlier posts) What a lovely evening with a beautiful woman, (inside and out), can do for a man's ego is amazing. I also have had an amazing run of monetary luck in the past few days (and one typical 'story of my life incident'), the first again involved a woman, Olga, from the Ukraine, with whom I had a conversation with in the Starbucks the other night, as she was leaving, she pointed out my sleeping bag and mentioned my homelessness and ASKED me if she could give me some money, this too may not seem like much, BUT, the act of asking is such a boost to one's self respect, and as much as I appreciated the money, the graciousness with which it was offered has me more grateful.

Today, I was going through my bag and clearing out all the junk paper that seem to breed in it, and I came across a sheaf of assorted lottery tickets I had purchased over the past few months when I had an extra buck to spare, knowing that they had all been losers I was about to discard them , when on a whim, I took them across the parking lot to the Giant. I began to check them on the automatic verification device, and one came up "Winner Present for Payment", this was a Keno ticket and expecting to receive $1.00 or $2.00 I gave it to the cashier, lo and behold..$25.00!!, so I bought a $1.00 scratchoff...again...$5.00!! As Bertha Cool would have said, "well dip me in cornmeal and fry me for an oyster!" {Brownie Points for anyone who responds with knowledge of that reference...LOL}.

The 'Story of my life' annoyance, came about last week, when I had a feeling to play "MY" number on the 3 digit game '296', so I went to the Giant and the line was way to long, told my self I'd pick one up later. Later came and I went to yhe liquor store on the way to the bus stop, again, the line was way too long, told myself I'd get it later. Well later came and went, I got busy and forgot, you know the rest of the story, when I was looking at the newspaper the next day..there it was 'MY' number. God really does have a warped sense of humor sometimes.....gotta love Him though, he's pulled my ass out of the fire enough times!!!!

OH YEAH...THIS IS SO COOL!, Remember I told everyone about the movie "When Do We Eat"? Well the day after that post I get an E-mail from Sal Litvak, the director, he read my little blog, how cool is that?

Anyway, had a chance to play with my daughter Rachel, last night and read stories to and with her, I know I've said it before, but she is the thing for which I am most grateful, and that makes living worthwhile. I am so blessed, no matter what.

Be back soon, I hope to be more interesting and/or entertaining next time, ......................Dave

No News Is Good News...

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A New Year---A New Beginning?

Happy New Year!

Greeings to all, I hope that your New Years Eve was safe and happy.

I was curled up in my sleeping bag by 9:00 pm and fell asleep before midnight. I was awoken by the traditional "Baltimore Ghetto Fireworks", aka gunshots and the pitter-patter of spent bullets falling randomly from the sky, I actually went on a bullet hunt, and found about 30 shell casings, 50 bullett holes that were not there before, in signs, buildings, and vehicles, and even 6 slugs on the sidewalk and a parking lot, (they looked as if they had been fired straight up and fell straight down, from the shape and condition of the bullets). Even though the City was forced to cancel their display due to wind, some one in northwest Balto. put on one hell of a noisy exhibition! I went back to sleep and woke about 6:30 and went up to Pikesville to the coffee shop, and spent a lazy day with the folks at Starbucks, until the after noon when I went over to my daughters house and spent the rest of the day and evening with her, it was a very peaceful and relaxing day, a good way to start off a year of Change. No drama. No drugs. No deep depression. I have my meds, I have some credit on my coffee card and I have some cash (!!!!!!).

It is said that how you spend New Years Eve and Day, reflects on how your year will go, well.. I admit to being a wee bit superstitious, so let's hope that the fact that I did NOT have to go out on the corner and beg, and I did NOT have the need or desire to go out and chase a drug, or oblivion, due to feelings of severe depression are harbingers of things to come in the year ahead. The hapiness, joy, and love I shared with Rachel must be symbolic of the future!

Anyway, i was listening to NPR yesterday, I forget which show, (sometimes they seem to run together) but it came on at 2:00 pm. and was about blogs and blogging. It is estimated that about 50,000 each day blog or start to blog, so I don't feel as bad about my lack of professionalism or my content matter, as I did. If anyone reads and comes back to this, fantastic, if not all well and good also, because it is working to keep me sane, and in a way, it is stroking my ego, LOL. so good bye for now and "thank you for your support" (does anybody out there remember Bartles and Jayes wine coolers?)

bye........Dave