Back again.........

Hi, it's me again;

I skipped a few days because it has been a slow start to the New Year, and that has turned out to be a good omen, I think. I finally went to D.S.S. to deal with the letter stating that I did not appear for my recertification interview, and after reasonable wait (for this office at this time of day and month), I was called to the desk, and of course I am expecting argument and confrontation, (one of the reasons I was avoiding going back in) based on past experience, and to my delight, I apologetically and pleasantly informed that my data just had not been entered and that my benefits were still active, what a relief. Now we wil see tomorrow if they appear on my card. I also HAVE to get down to the JAI Medical Systems and see a Doctor, my symptoms are increasingly beginning to affect me and my judgement and I need to get prescriptions and tests. This procrastination IS one of the symptoms of my mental illness in action. Another example is the fact that I had an invitation to an open house and group orientation session for applications, at the D.O.R.S. (Dept. of Rehab. Svcs.) of the Md. Dept. of Education, today at 10:00 am. and I spent last night washing body and clothes and checking bus routes and schedules, and this morning woke up early, fully intending to go. But, at the same time I was becoming more and more consumed by an anxiety attack, which triggerred a depressive episode, whereby I convinced my self that it was all a waste of time and I did not deserve any help, etc. etc. etc., bottom line is I never went, and now am dealing with the guilt and self recriminations, this is JUST like after a coke binge, without the drugs.

Tomorrow is another, hopefully better day, I'll try to deal with it then and see if I can get a one on one session, to avoid the G.A.D.

On a happier side, I hope that this is a trend in the coming year, I HAVE NOT PANHANDLED THIS YEAR!!, may not sound like much to all of you, but it really helps my sef esteem, AND, I spent an hour and a half in conversation with my new friend, the one who wanted to introduce me to "The Secret" (see one of the earlier posts) What a lovely evening with a beautiful woman, (inside and out), can do for a man's ego is amazing. I also have had an amazing run of monetary luck in the past few days (and one typical 'story of my life incident'), the first again involved a woman, Olga, from the Ukraine, with whom I had a conversation with in the Starbucks the other night, as she was leaving, she pointed out my sleeping bag and mentioned my homelessness and ASKED me if she could give me some money, this too may not seem like much, BUT, the act of asking is such a boost to one's self respect, and as much as I appreciated the money, the graciousness with which it was offered has me more grateful.

Today, I was going through my bag and clearing out all the junk paper that seem to breed in it, and I came across a sheaf of assorted lottery tickets I had purchased over the past few months when I had an extra buck to spare, knowing that they had all been losers I was about to discard them , when on a whim, I took them across the parking lot to the Giant. I began to check them on the automatic verification device, and one came up "Winner Present for Payment", this was a Keno ticket and expecting to receive $1.00 or $2.00 I gave it to the cashier, lo and behold..$25.00!!, so I bought a $1.00 scratchoff...again...$5.00!! As Bertha Cool would have said, "well dip me in cornmeal and fry me for an oyster!" {Brownie Points for anyone who responds with knowledge of that reference...LOL}.

The 'Story of my life' annoyance, came about last week, when I had a feeling to play "MY" number on the 3 digit game '296', so I went to the Giant and the line was way to long, told my self I'd pick one up later. Later came and I went to yhe liquor store on the way to the bus stop, again, the line was way too long, told myself I'd get it later. Well later came and went, I got busy and forgot, you know the rest of the story, when I was looking at the newspaper the next day..there it was 'MY' number. God really does have a warped sense of humor sometimes.....gotta love Him though, he's pulled my ass out of the fire enough times!!!!

OH YEAH...THIS IS SO COOL!, Remember I told everyone about the movie "When Do We Eat"? Well the day after that post I get an E-mail from Sal Litvak, the director, he read my little blog, how cool is that?

Anyway, had a chance to play with my daughter Rachel, last night and read stories to and with her, I know I've said it before, but she is the thing for which I am most grateful, and that makes living worthwhile. I am so blessed, no matter what.

Be back soon, I hope to be more interesting and/or entertaining next time, ......................Dave