Long Time Gone

Hello and Sorry for the absence;

I have not made an entry in my journal here since last Saturday afternoon before the Raven's game (they won!!! so I am staying with various shades of purple until after they kick Pittsburgh's ass!!). Nothing much has been going on either really good or really bad in my life at the moment, and that is a good thing, though hard to get used to. Stability in any form is pretty much alien to me. I have actually been staying inside since last Thursday night, when my ex traded me loding for a night in exchange for last minute daycare for my daughter Rachel, on Friday. Well she knows that unless I am dead or dying, I am always available for my little girl, so the kindness of a night indoors was greatly appreciated although not a necessary part of the deal. I ended up having "access" shall we say to a temporarily unoccupied house for Friday night through Tuesday (last) night. I was like the wind...'slip in-slip out, leave no trace, and no one the wiser', and it was/is a place where I am on occassion allowed to make use of the facilities/premises, I just went on precedent....{I've been watching too many old 'Perry Mason' DVDs...LOL}. The weather has been mild to cold, with heavy rain one night and rain mixed with ice once, but like I said I've been indoors. Of course tonight there is bitter cold expected for the next 4 or 5 days with dangerous temperatures in the 'teens and single digits tonight, tomorrow and Friday....story of my life. I have still been procrastinating about going to the doctor...????...not wanting to wait in line for hours?..not wanting to hear some bad health news I KNOW is coming, that will require actions on my part???...not wanting to deal with the bureaucratic hoopla that is involved with appealing a S.S.A. denial??????...Yeah all that and more. It is not depression that holds me back at the moment, but, anxiety, and my old friend 'fear of falling', a case of better the devil you know then the one you don't,...for the first time in years I am not in the grips of either self induced or medically dictated addiction, my pain and depression are at levels of tolerance and functionality that I never thought I would ever see again. It is time to move forward, I know that, but that will mean being back in association with the people and organizations that I really don't like or want to be around, I am currently surrounding my self with NON addicts. And those with all the disorders and mal-adjustments I would have to deal with in excessive numbers simply by being around them is not appealing to me right now.....snobbish? maybe...but I never got high with those people or associated with them before ...why should I now just because I am forced to go through a Gov't sponsored program as opposed to a private one, they are not who I consider my peers. I realize that I do not sound very humble at the moment, but this is my mental health I am struggling to regain... I am NOT going to jeopardize it for someone elses idea of humility..

Outta time ..more Later ... thanks for listening....Dave

Well, I'm back online, I just finished typing 20 of minutes of addenda to this post, and the efffffing computers here at the library 'burped!!' and of course nothing was saved....

Anyway.. I started this journal to show the kindnesses and generosity of regular folks, and to express my gratitude. If you have read some of my recent past posts, you will remember that I have been exchanging messages with Salvador Litvak, director and writer of a wonderful movie titled ' When Do We Eat' . Here is an example of the type of unlooked for and unasked for generosity I am talking about, the other day I received snail mail at my ex'es house, and there was a note and a gift of cash from Sal and his partner Nina Davidovich, all I can say is that I am still stunned that they even read my little blog, much less having responded and started a correspondence. Now this!! WOW These are the things that "keep me keepin' on" as the song goes. Thanks Sal and Nina. Oh yeah...Everyone Else:--- RENT THIS MOVIE!!!!

Slight Tangent; There is another homeless guy, (one of the very few that I associate with), and he is where I have been, most likely "still out there" as regards to addiction, and committing 'acts of opportunity', by that I mean no pre-meditated crimes but petty thefts if no one is looking, enough to eat and 'get well', while still with the morals to feel guilty about his actions. Anyway, whenever I see him, and I have some of the markouts that the folks at Starbucks give me I try to pass some of it on, or give him a couple bucks if I have it. He literally flinches when I reach out to him, and has said to me that he is not used to people being nice to him. I KNOW that feeling, the total lack of worth and self-esteem, and living at a level where an outstreached hand means someone is going to take from you or strike you...just like a beaten stray dog... TO EVERYONE reading this, next time you see a homeless guy who is not trying to scam you, meet his eye, say hello, and if you can't or won't give money, buy him/her a coffee/burger/donut for a buck, and if that's not possible, (I know we are all going through tough economic times), just ask how he is making out, if you know of a church, synagogue, or mosque where he can get some help with dignity suggest it, sometimes all we want is to be acknowledged as fellow human beings. What also means alot to us here on the streets is to be recognized, say hello the next time you see him/her, being remembered, when one cannot even find their own self makes a difference. God night all .......Dave