Quotation of the Day

Saturday, March 3, 2012

"Mind Games..............................."

Good Evening;

So...first off...Thanks to the commenters who found the "Clean Up In Aisle Nine" post amusing, it was fun both in the execution and the recitation. Second, My apologies for any drops in the level of quality of the writing or content recently, I've got a bunch of things I want to write about, but I just can't seem to summon the effort or enthusiasm recently. There are beginning to be more and more days where not only do I want to give up the blog.......I just want to give up.

Both yesterday and today were 'bad' days, Friday in that I got caught up in the avalanche of moodiness and despair on the steepest slope of depression cycle, and today slamming headfirst into the frozen conglomerate of misery, despair, hopelessness, inferiority, anxiety, fear, and self loathing at the bottom.

It was Noon yesterday before I got up, out, and about to the Giant, library, coffee shop, and then Monkee's, (and had a simply freakin' lovely time on the MTA light rail, subway, and buses down and back to her house and then Pikesville, taking a combined time of over 4 & 1/2 hours down and back from Mt. Washington......for a trip that should have totaled 90 minutes!!!!....

(MTA has started a "Rate The Ride" campaign with a text # and one of those square boxes with the dots and squiggles that comprise a code, that you point your smart phone at and are connected, and a spot on the website too.......yeah, just FYI, get the Bus #, Route #, Block # - [the 4 digit # in the box on the dash in the front window, visible from the outside], and the driver's badge # if possible, and the time, the more info-the less they can lie their way around a problem!)

Today I was up at 6:00 am., saw (heard and felt too) the rain and took my zipping the bag up  morning meds and went back to sleep, waking again at 10:30 am. and going to the Giant to use the restroom and make coffee, and it was still gray and windy and damp. When I got back to the shed I remember sitting down 'for a minute' and pulling the sleeping bag around me because I was cold, thinking I had nothing to do and nowhere to go, and no one to be with today. Next thing I remember is zipping the bag up and curling up in a fetal position. I kept waking and rolling over and just thinking "why even bother getting up-today-at all-ever again......" half a dozen times until my back hurt so bad it overcame the feelings of despondency and I had to get up. This was at 4:00 pm. and if I had still had electricity, or charged batteries, I'd still be in the shed, just sitting instead of laying down. All I wanted to do was isolate myself today, but the thought of just lying there in the semi-dark until nighttime alone with the viciousness roiling around in my head scared me too much. So here I am, in the far corner of the Starbucks, wanting to be alone and wanting the company at the same time.......just not the company of anyone here....lol. And of course if some of those whose company I do desire were here....the desired intimacy levels would not be in sync.

The good thing about all this is that, barring any sudden traumatic incident that leaves me craving the taste hot lead and burnt gunpowder, tomorrow should see the beginning of the upward swing of both heart and mind on this psychological bungee cord jump.

Now if only the physical pain would at least hit a plateau for a while, I know a certain amount is related to depression, but what scares me is the chronic and acute back pain and the neurological issues that have me wanting to deal with them in an old familiar way, that I KNOW will relieve the pain......
The conscious part of me is aware of the negative consequences, but all those niggling little voices with their constant persuasion are getting harder and harder to ignore.....much less silence.

OK, the portable digital TV is charged, that means just about an hour and 45 minutes of watching time, or 1 complete and 3/4 worth of a second show, on the weekends.....

Well, gotta go now, time to pack up.....

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