.."The 'MONDAY' Mix"--(Choose your own song from the 258 options at Rhapsody).---and--."A Little Place For My Stuff"...RIP..George Carlin...1937--2008

Good Morning;

Well, it's Monday again...and for me, they were never "Blue" as they are to some. Coming from a family that put the 'dys' into dysfunctional, when all my 'friends' spent Sundays with their families, I spent a lot of time alone or in bars with other loners or losers. So when Monday, and the beginning of the work week rolled around, I was happier than most. Friday nights, Saturdays, and Saturday nights were my time to shine, ( this, of course being BEFORE the addiction and it's 'product line' became the be all and end all of my existence...LOL). Now days, life is a lot calmer, some may say boring..though it does have it's moments. The library closes at dinner time on Fri., Sat., and Sun. evenings, leaving me at loose ends if the finances are low and I am being sensible and frugal..and needless to say, (as he redundantly said it), NOT USING! So with the difficulties of getting enough, if any computer time on Sat. and Sun., by Monday I'm going into Internet withdrawal sometimes...HA!

{Oh, by the way, I am referring to times when I am NOT with Rachel} But Sundays...now that can go 2 ways...some Sundays, when there is no business in the coffee shop and I am broke, with no income opportunities, and unmotivated to panhandle, or the weather precludes it, can be a bitch, if I cannot focus enough to read the paper or a book, or watch a video....(yeah Neil, sometimes you may catch me NOT reading..LOL). Ah, but Sundays like Yesterday!, I am in my element, the Starbucks was filled with MY "people", at time in shifts, at times in concurrent groups, and I was engaged in conversations all day, ranging from discussing the newspaper, to sharing the crossword puzzle, to medical ethics, to just plain silliness.....you get the picture. I felt as if I was holding court, or a member of the "Round Table" at 'The Algonquin', with Dorothy Parker, et. al. ( I have always dreamed of or been intrigued by being part of a "salon" or learning in a "Socratic" type environment, such as my fantasy of being enrolled in the "Great Books" program at St. Johns College (University?) in Annapolis, Maryland...thinking for the sake of thinking....maybe I'm weird but that idea is orgasmic....{you can tell my love life is in a really deep rut!...LOL}). When I lived in Fells Point and was writing much more frequently and fluently, and working the night shift in restaurants, I spent my mornings in or outside of the Daily Grind, with the same Bohemian, or more so with the preponderance of musicians and artists residing there at the time...( not so much any more, the people who made the areas reputation can no longer afford to live there..thank you "Gentrifiers" and real estate speculators ), at a table covered with scraps of poems and random thoughts and ideas, acting as an anchorage for those folks rotating in and out on their morning commutes or constitutionals. "NORM" with a double espresso instead of a beer..that was me....LOL.

Okay..I've been listening to a tribute to George Carlin, and the 30th Anniversary Edition release of Bruce's "Born To Run"...great stuff...and timeless...

The bit that inspired the 2nd half of the title to todays post is a constant worry in my life and a major hassle when I have to go to an appointment somewhere with enhanced security screening, I walk in the door with 2 strikes against me already sometimes, and make no friends with the security guards at any government facilities....instant confrontation and intransigence as soon as I put my bag on the table for inspection.

Running out of time.....to touch on something from a few days ago, one of the reasons I and other homeless do not take more "advantage"...debatable term in some cases, of services is the requirement of surrendering all independence to some bureaucracy, for an unequitable return....too many of us have been either locked up or institutionalized against our wills ...gotta go.........Dave

Back;

Depending on the person, of course, the backlash of this can be a return to the 'PEOPLE, PLACES, AND THINGS' that put them there in the first place, a total subservient and instituitionalized attitude and demeanor that does not fade with freedom, and/or a complete rejection of all things requiring any sublimation of will or identity or individuality. Each person is of course unique in their reaction and there are many shades or degrees of submission or rebellion. I myself, like to think of being aware of my choices and conscious of the decisions I make, and accepting that rationalizing is not always 'rational'. I would rather keep what semblance of independance I can, while still attempting to take what advantage I can from the 'System'. As I have referred to before, having worked a 12 step program allow me to admit that my choices, while not always the best, are at least made with the knowledge that they are influenced by my mental and emotional and physical...lets call them "difficulties", as a condensation, for brevities sake,...tempered by experience and whatever intelligence lingers in my warped and twisted psyche... stop it..no you can't type now..no, i mean it, you can have a turn later..yes you too..now don't cry.....okay, okay..everyone can each take a turn.... sorry about that, I hate it when all my personalities gang up on me, they just won't play nice sometimes..........LOL

But seriously...even the 'damaged' have a need and desire to retain some control over their lives, and often times choosing to NOT accept or allow assistance is the (in their/our minds) seem to be only path left open.

gotta go .......Dave

30Seconds Over Baltimore....

Hey;

It's ten minutes before close and I just got online, only because I want to relate an example of how people can turn into real JERKS!! at the drop of a phrase. I spent the morning in Starbucks today, for weather and other related reasons, and had a conversation with a man in the morning, about the newspaper, and the crossword puzzle and generalities, pleasant, comfortable, typical coffee shop talk. This was an upper middle class, intelligent, educated suburban man (an assumption made through observation and analyses of his speech, his clothing, his 'accessories', and his car {a late model high end BMW}, and the college stickers on rear window of same). He had no qualms talking or joking with me at this point. He left the coffee shop, and happened to return about late afternoon, and I had just gotten back from the library myself. He stopped by my table an quipped 'Still here I see, did you spend the day here?', I answered that I spent most mornings and sometimes all day there, he asked some other questions regarding work, etc....and mentioned my sleeping bag and duffel, asking if I was going camping...with a laugh, leaving the door open for me to tell him that I was homeless and I spent so much time there because it helped me to keep off the streets and stay out of trouble in a safe atmosphere, (now for clarity let me state I had just shaved and washed up and had on fresh Khakis and a clean, new crew neck shirt, I looked preppie/yuppie almost). At the utterance of the word "HOMELESS", his whole attitude and demeanor changed, and I suddenly became 'unclean', a 'pariah', and he rudely ended any contact and walked away. Now I was a bit stunned, and to be honest, more hurt than insulted, at that point. The anger had not yet risen to the surface. The shop was nearly empty at this time, but there was one woman at a table 2 spaces over, who had happened to be watching, as I sat there working up a good old fashioned case of righteous indignation, she got up and as she was passing, stopped and said to me, "What a f*cking asshole!". Now this is an older lady, very quiet, very prim and proper, and I looked up in shock and disbelief, and she burst out laughing, saying, in a 'sweet little old lady voice'.."Oh Dearie Me..Did I Say That Out Loud?"... and I just lost it for about 10 minutes, every time I began to pull it together..SHE cracked up, both of us laughing like hyaenas. The 'Jerk' looks up at us with an annoyed face, like he was constipated for a month, and we lost it again....He walked out in a huff, spilling his coffee on his self on his way...I feel much better .....Thanks....LOL...Dave

Good afternoon;

Ever had one of those days when you just can't seem to get focused?

You know, when you've got SO much you want/need to do, and you look at the clock and 4 or 5 hours have passed and nothings done and you are not sure where the time went, AND you were NOT!! stoned or otherwise 'chemically modified"!!....(Geez, I hate these damn alien abductions, ya figure if they are that advanced that they can erase my memory, they could at least set the clock back to the time they pulled me up to their UFO!!..guess I'll have to start wearing my foil hat again...LOL), Stop Laughing..it is a believable excuse as...the dog ate my homework!!

But seriously, after I went over to see my daughter and take a shower yesterday, I have not been able to accomplish much, besides answering e-mails, I am desperate to get some cash now, (I never made it out, and can't find my 'trading partners' for a card exchange, and after the friggin' crap that went down last night, I have exactly .07 cents!

Okay...time is tight so...

Last night I saw 'Mike/Leo' who I've mentioned before, he had told me how he almost got busted taking a shower, somewhere he should not have been, and was approached while he was 'butt naked' in the shower, I'm sorry but I can't stop laughing at the picture that brings to mind, ya gotta know/have seen Mike,...LOL. Anyway, I had a bag of goodies from Starbucks and he was needy, so I gave him some pastries and sandwiches, as usual, his gratitude embarrassed the hell out of me, so to cover up I pressed him on the story, turns out he snuck into the Hilton Hotel's Tennis Club in Pikesville, this is the same place he has been rousted for sleeping under the stairs in the 'fire stairway'. I just don't get it, why return to a place where you are known, and why cultivate an adversarial relationship with folks who MAY (my emphasis) let you slide if you ask? (Not to mention the cops, who don't like him any way) But that's just me. I just want to be loved...LOL.

So anyhow, I had about $15.75 in a small envelope tucked into one of the inside pockets that is inside of the outer zipper pocket of my bag, which was zipped and sitting out of plain sight beside the bench at the Starbucks. I went to the other end of the shop to get a napkin, as usual having no concern about leaving it on the floor....turns out I was being targeted by someone watching in the window, casing out the place, most likely to rip it off, but I presented a better 'target of opportunity' when I turned around I saw the door closing and a figure trotting away rapidly down the street, I just KNEW that something weird had went down, instinct, intuition, experience, and...having been a ripoff artist myself in the 'bad old days'. I hurried outside and saw him getting on the bus, and through the windows as it passed I saw a pair of '30 something' petty crooks/junkies/professional homeless types...the stereotypes from which we are all typecast and tarred and feathered. I would not have known who had hit me if these assholes had not been pointing out the window and laughing at me. NOW I was pissed, where before I had been annoyed at my own stupidity and lapse of awareness. After the coffee shop closed I sat around out side, it was cool but comfortable, and waited for my other friend Mike to get off work at the Giant. While I was sitting there reading and contemplating, my anger blew up and blew over, and I let it go, feeling that karma will deal with it..( I'm not and will not be "ill", I had food, nothing else was missing, {I had been REALLY worried about the DVD player lent me by the 'ex'}, had on clean clothes, had and a full belly and even a cocktail...it's only money, in the long run), so, F*CK IT!! When Mike and I finished talking, I decided to ride the train for a while, and after a trip up, down, and back up, I was getting off at my station stop to catch the bus..when guess who comes running for the train, being chased by a 'Metro cop'.....yup my buddies...'rip' and 'run'.....as they came down the escalator shouting "hold that door", I recognized them and all that high school football and lacrosse training kicked in from 35 years ago, (I was an offensive lineman...aka.."ROADBLOCK"....HA!), I accidentally stepped back in the doorway, causing one of the dimwitted duo to carom off into the other, both of them to, totally unintentionally, but quite gratifyingly and violently face plant themselves into the stainless steel side of the train car, at which point the cops caught up with them, I inconspicuously stepped back into the train, the doors closed, and grinning and offering the troublesome twosome the 'one finger vertical salute', I rode off into the night. I took another circuit of Baltimore's expansive and extensive subway system...LOL..and returned to my station and delicately queried someone there as to 'all the excitement' a little while ago. She was happy to give me a blow by blow (only slightly exaggerated) account of what happened..turns out the geniuses wanted to argue and resist a cop who was already pissed at having to run after them [word of advice from personal experience...DON'T I repeat, DON'T make a cop run after you unless you have an insane desire to visit Central Booking].....kismet..fate???? All I know is that it was very satisfying.

Time up..I'll be back,,Dave

Okay..Back for Round 2.1

Here is a couple thoughts on something I have been trying to cope with and a subject that I have others on the street lament about. The feeling of total lack and loss of control of events and situation in one's life. From one perspective, this is illustrated by the slowness of the bureaucracy when trying to receive assistance, especially in any urgent, but non life threatening circumstance. Even trying to get a DSS worker on the phone or a question answered at one of the offices is damn near impossible, and the unwillingnes, in most-not all, cases of the worker to give a verifiable statement of "WHEN"...(other than when benefits end..or their shift ends or breaktime begins!) is enough to give an already fragile, or depressed, or anxiety ridden person serious emotional and mental trauma. The "NOT KNOWING" is bad enough, but the ingrained un-helpfulness and mulishness really can cause an addict on the edge to relapse, or a 'cutter' to return to behavior they know is destructive, but familliar. I am too close to sanity's edge myself, however it may appear on the facade I am able to present, not to feel some of the powerlessness and impotence. This is also brought out in family situations where one wants to help out, but prevented by circumstances. OR, when one needs to intervene, as in the case of a child's welfare, health, or safety, and has no resources and no powerbase from which to act. The frustration of knowing a situation is wrong, but having no leverage with which to effect change or force someone to get help, is physically debilitating and mentally enervating, at times giving rise to ideations that are on the brink of unstable....[and in this post 911 world, I'll leave it there, because of the fact that mis-interpretation of an expressed feeling is too often taken as intent]. If one has less education, and was raised in a sub-culture of domestic (if not actual abuse or violence) disrespect, the acting out on a physical level, the instant confrontational response is a 'normal' reaction. I see this all the time, on the bus, in the offices of DSS, and when I am forced there...emergency shelters and soup kitchens. As can well be imagined this is typical behavior in prison, jail, pre-trial detention, and parole and probation offices and facilities. When one is either ignored or considered guilty of SOMETHING, the inability to refute the at a glance opinions and determinations of others, combined with the inarticulateness to properly express the outrage, can result in opposite but equally harmful reactions, one is the aggressive 'F*CK IT' mindset, that get's one shot by the cops or kicked to death; the other is the paranoid, beaten down, helpless and hopeless surrender that results in a steady decline in any feelings of self worth or esteem, becoming a 'victim' not only in one'e own eyes, but also in the eyes of the last people to see one, usually emergency room personel and the medical examiner coroners, who are trying to determine if the cause of death is self inflicted........A little melodramatic, a little dis-jointed in continuity, but very, very real.

As some of you may have picked up I am going through a period of similar emotional distress, in regards to my daughter and her mother. I can't and won't go into personal detail here, but if you know me and see me..I could use a shoulder that is made of Kevlar...yet padded with Kleenex....LOL.

In all seriousness though, my experiences in 12 step programs, have enabled me to cope better than some, but I STILL feel that lack of empowerment very strongly, so if you see someone out there who seems a lttle "crazy", A: consider the backstories...and B: try to give them some sort of power back, even if it is a couple of bucks to buy their own meal..or whatever they choose...gotta go...............DAVE

Hey, I'm back after all;

It has been an interesting and strange couple of days. I have received so many e-mails, both from old and new contacts, that i have gotten backlogged sorting them out, so ,so many were spam from "petite, cute, half asian girls who,'have never done this before'.." yeah..riiiigghhtt. Then the "Africans" (multiple countries) who need "MY" assistance in accessing there millions of dollars, if only I can put up $XXXXXX.xx as good faith or for fees and expenses to receive a million dollars in return...suuuuurreee...I've already mentioned the russians and the dating services.....thank you Craigs List. But I do have to say that the new correspondences I have begun are very satisfying...( you know who you are...THANKS, and please be patient, I WILL reply ASAP..). Also I may have a very intriguing experience to report to everyone regarding a query by a reporter from the Baltimore Sun....stay tuned for breaking news.

So, Yesterday...I was feeling very stressed at having only pennies in my pocket, (although there is about $70.00 in grocery credit, on a card that I can use for food, but cannot seem to trade for cash this week....I hit the street corner in front of the light rail at Camden Yards, catching the traffic heading out of town to the south, I ended up picking up $17.00 in 45 minutes and a peanut butter sandwich, (no jelly..LOL), and another homeless guy gave me a bag of food he did not want, I took some and left it on the metro next to another homeless woman I know of, who was asleep, she is so paranoid, (will not take meds), that the only way to help is to leave it where she will find it and let her think she is sneaking it, like feeding a wild squirrel....sh*t, time is up..I'll try to get on again.....................Dave

HI There;

Sorry I've missed a day, and may not get much done today, I've been answering so many e-mails, and spending time with RACHEL, and have not had a chance to blog, I may be going to Angela's tonite to do some chores, so if I am not back later today, I will try to get to the Cockeysville library on saturday.............dave

"It's A Small World After All......."

Hello again;

And ....WOW!

Just for sh*t's and giggles and to accumulate some new people, ideas, and perspectives in my life, ...and not really expecting too much; but ever the optimist, I placed some personals on CraigsList, and re-posted my 3 "barter housing for work..." ads. I also put in the URL for this blog to kinda let prospective responders a little bit about 'who I am and what I'm about' as it were. I never expected such a response, nearly 50 people looked at this blog in a day and a half, DAMN!! All up and down the East Coast, (DE.,PA.,NY.,D.C.,VA.,N.C.,MD.( the majority of course)),Missouri, Illinois, Minnesota, Los Angeles, Ireland, Israel. Even had a hit from N.A.S.A...(wonder if it was a relay from the International Space Station?...LOL).

To "Anomymous" who commented, Thanks and God Bless, as I have said before, it's not All about money, your caring thoughts and compassion help feed the soul.

This is a reciprocation for the kindnesses shown me by a man who grew up right down the street from me , but whom I never met until recently at the Starbucks. We have many things in common and a similar history upon which is being born a new friendship. He is an AMAZING professional photographer, who, just because I wrote him an e-mail praising his artistry, presentation, and professionalism, after viewing his website, has offered to donate his time, experience, and effort and to give me a photo shoot as a birthday present for my daughter...again...DAMN!!

SO I am urging everyone who reads this to at least go to this site

www.richarddalcinstudios.com

and check it out, maybe you have a wedding, bar mitzvah, confirmation, birthday, family reunion/portrait to celebrate? If not...pass it on.

This is one way we can all help one another in these tough times, give what you can when you can. It is not always directly about money or 'materiel', sometimes a good word IS a good deed......Reagonomics had it WRONG!! it is really a "trickle UP theory", and there is a spiritual 'dividend' with a pretty high 'rate of return', gained by helping one another in our own small ways. I am not talking "Faith Based" or Religious anything, just basic humanity.

For example, in my officially un-official position as the Starbucks Greeter and Information Distribution Officer(aka..know it all..LOL), I performed my duties today by informing a woman trying to access the 'net on the free WI-FI that it was and had been out of order, I then showed her that if she moved to the opposite end of the building she could access the 'net on the "Cafe" (name redacted) across the parking lot, their WI-FI covered a corner of 'our' building by chance. She was so delighted that she could get the work done that she needed without having to pack up and move, she was effusive to the Nth degree in her thanks, as I passed by on my way out of the building to the food store, I tossed of a humorous "Don't Applaud..Just Throw Money", and kept walking. When I returned, one of the barristas, handed me $3.00 and said some one left it for me, when we figured out who it was...yup, the Wi-Fi lady, and I had made no mention of being homeless, etc., and had just shaved and washed up so I was looking particulary clean and shiny..LOL...at that point....Anyway the point I am probably beating to death here is: RAKs* payoff in many ways, simple civility is not only easy..it's a way to have fun and meet people, and 'courtesy costs nothing'.

(*Random Acts of Kindness)

Back to the CL posts....I got a lot of "Russian" women...HA!..wanting to come and be mine, if only I'll help them with their "airfare"......so I went back and edited the posts with a disclaimer in the beginning with the word "HOMELESS" in Caps and Quotes...reduced the spam by about 60%.

ALRIGHT...RANT TIME, there was an OP/ED piece in yesterdays Baltimore Sun by a Paul Malley of www.Agingwithdignity.org , against assisted suicide, I'm sorry but F*CK THAT, a terminal person should have the RIGHT to decide to avoid the suffering and misery, or the total loss of control of mind and body, or the state of disconnect and disorientation that comes with heavy narcotics and sedation. Having compassionate caregivers is one thing, but only the individual can decide enough is enough. I am not talking about the issues of the family having to make a decision, but only of the right of the dying to have a dignified exit. My father died in a hospice of Pancreatic cancer, his last 2 months were horrorific, He was no longer conscious or aware of anything around him for more than a few minutes a day. I was on the same narcotics by choice, trying to achieve that state, to numb myself to the hell He was going through because I was not strong or brave enough to deal with it, or to help him escape it..HE had NO CHOICE. I am on the short list for an early exit interview with God myself, and if/when push comes to shove and I am faced with the option of having my body literally detiorate and dissolve while I lay there unable to wipe my own ass, and either doped to the point of hallucination, or in pain and unable to communicate the fact..( yes, He was both, and I did nothing), OR making my Peace with God, being able to elucidate and ennunciate my final farewells to family and friends, and quietly (comparatively) slip away..WITH DIGNITY..........NO CONTEST!!........

Look folks I am talking about the point of medical inevitability here,

Oh, I plan to do a 'Dylan Thomas'...

"Do not go quiet into that Good Night,

Rage, Rage against the dying of the Light...."

But at some point (IF!! it comes to that...I sure as HELL hope this stays in the realm of the theoretical.), I would hope to be able to have the choice to say, like 'Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce'...."I will fight no more ...forever..."

(Yeah I know...smartass!...but I ain't dead yet, and I like to show off)

I think I'm done for the night, it looks like rain tonight, but at least it is warm. I may be helping out my friend Angela, for a few days next week, in exchange for a couple nights bed and bath, (Everybody say "HI Angela...Get Well Soon"), I was on the computer earlier and the ex saw me here in the library, and told me Rachel was on the kids computer, so I shut down for a while and played with her. I never did make it out to the corner to get some cash these last few days, just got busy here or into som heavy conversations, and one day I could not, put down this book I am reading "Crossover" by Joel Shepherd, ....SF...androids.....artificial intelligences....interstellar war......Very Cool Stuff.

Still awaiting test results..............(the official ones anyway....HA!)

Oh, almost forgot, I titled one of the personal ads with the latin phrase;

qui audet adipiscitur

just to see what kind of a response, and if anyone would translate it, I referenced it my other post titled,

I've got nothing to lose but the time it took to post this

I got an e-mail with the translation in the subject box, pretty cool, i may have a new e-friend to correspond with...

One Never Knows..Do One?

I'll be back tomorrow, g'night all, pleasant dreams;

.........Dave

"Doctor Doctor..Gimme The News.........(got the rock & roll fever and the boogie-woogie blues)..."

Good Morning My Friends, Allies, and Supporters;

(and enemies), {and neutral, undeclared non-combatants, and conscientious objectors}.

It is an amazingly beautiful day outside...cooler than yesterday and Saturday, but SUNNY!!! I forget sometimes how much that can make a difference in outlook and mood. It is days like this that convince me that S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a real culprit in some of the stupid acts of non- or in-civility that people (myself included) commit, sometimes fully aware of but seemingly against their/our will. I at times find myself teetering on the edge of rudeness, instead of politely telling someone I'd really be rather left alone, and they'd be better off not trying to engage me in conversation at that time, I'll answer in monosyllables or grunts and purposely ignore normal social graces and cues. And afterwards feel guilty (justifiably so) about my behavior, sometimes catching myself in the act and apologizing, and sometimes compounding the offense by letting the person walk away hurt or confused, and think to myself..f*ck 'em... I am convinced that this boorishness, that goes totally against my normal behavior, is stimulated or brought to the forefront by a string of gray days, (oh, I am not excusing anything, just making a an analytical observation). And I have noticed that it is similar to a nuclear (or NU-CU-LAR if you are a former POTUS) chain reaction, breeding on itself.

Okay, Next...I made it to the hospital last night, thinking i am going to get another decent nights sleep in a real bed, HOO BOY was I mistaken, I was poked and choked with that nasty Barium radio-isotope dye...in both ends...and THEN the cameras went in for a little look-see. Just in case I was still in doubt that the Docs and techs were NOT sadists, they shoved a 4 inch diameter tube in my side and took a core sample....(maybe I exaggerated a wee little bit, but it FELT like an unsharpened hunk of rusty water main!!!!)....Oh and let's not forget the Vampire ( she SAID she was a phlebotomist, but I didn't see any reflection when she walked past the mirror), who drained me down to the next to last drop of blood in my veins. So, after the forensics and bio-lab and pathology people are done with all their cultures and tests and gas chromatography, in about 5 to 8 days, I'll be able to hear a doctor try to tell me what I already intuitively and instinctively know. I actually have a bet with one of the nurses at the hospital as to what the results (within certain ranges) arte/will be. She told me I could not possibly know, and I wrote my conclusions down, and put them in a specimen bag..(UN-used!!LOL), which was then sealed with the tamper proof tape and which we then both signed and dated.........The STAKES!!...HA!...I am going to get a weekend in one of the Inner Harbor's upscale hotels..(must have a water view), a Legitimate, Intimate, {NOT SEXUAL..YOU DIRTY MINDED PERSON..} therapeutic massage, (she is schooled & certified, and also a LCSW, besides a RN)....and a "special occasion" destination restaurant or equivalent room service (no strings..we left open the possibility we might hit it off......you know me....even at the darkest times there burns a spark of optimism....LOL)....IF I lose..( a 2% out of 100 possibility..she doesn't know that I've been down this road too many times before...it's a lock...I'm a ringer....sneaky?..maybe...but all's fair in love and war...LOL)..I am committed to cooking and serving a gourmet quality dinner, (and doing all the pots, pans, and dishes LOL)...and a minimum 20 minute foot and ankle massage ( after the dinner HA! )....(RN..remember, those 10-12 hour shifts on her feet are killer)......What she again does not know is, besides the fact that I have "insider information"..and that, Hell..I'd pay to be able to make her dinner, rub her feet..(no, I do not have a foot fetish...at least I don't think I do....Hmmmmm?...LOL),and even when I win I plan to anyway! Not bad for a terminal homeless guy, ya think?................

{.......It may only be "playing" at "romance", with no future...but it beats the hell out of that dark, blank, empty hole my heart has been stuck in, and even if it does not come to pass at all, it's been fun pretending!!................................}

Well now it's time for a more serious pusuit, I gotta get some cash and all m bay other options are un-available at this time...we know what that means....

8 ball in the (street) corner pocket

I have 2 concerns about doing this again...

first...the looking over my shoulder for the nasty, petty woman cop...

second...I like doing it, I know..that is weird as hell, but there is something attractive to talking to people and all the mini-conversations I have and the folks who recognize me and wave or ask how I am, etc., I need and like the money, and on a good day, it can be a REAL GOOD day...but there is something more about it. I really have to get to that shrink......

All right, I'm outta here for this afternoon, if anything juicy come up, I'll be back after 8:00 when I kill that hour between Starbucks and library closings.

See you all later.............and thanks again for reading, and indulging me in this exercise in "preservation of sanity", seeing the number of readers and seeing the number of "returning readers" especially, is a boost to my self esteem and sense of belonging to 'normal'...(we could go on for hours debating that, but you know what I mean)..society, and humanity in general....................DAVE

p.s.........Michelle if you read this...contact me...I want to give the life modeling a shot...'GULP'........but I'm going to need an intro................Dave

Monday Morning Quarterback...OR.....I Forgot to Title This Yesterday...LOL

Good afternoon loyal reader;

Well I'm back at the library again just before closing trying to get a few thoughts in at the last minute.
I was typing an e-mail and had the headphones on listening to Emmy Lou Harris when Rachel sneaks up on me, and pokes me and says boo...ooops!!....it's "BROWN ALERT" time!...(back in a second...gotta change my shorts..LOL).

I read an article in todays Sunpaper about a new trend in smaller health clubs/fitness centers with fewer amenities, but open 24 hours. The cost is about $40.00 @ month......Hmmmmm, I could scrape that amount for sure each month, if I can find one nearby, or reasonably so, on public transit. An always accessible, secure, safe, clean place to be able to shower and change, and just get out of the mix of street craziness for a while..AND a chance to get in shape, lose some weight and get healthier???

I think this bears looking into.

Okay..gotta sign off now, if, for some reason i am not able to get online tomorrow, (Monday), well.....I've got a biopsy sceduled, whether I'm going or not is still up in the air...like everything else in my life right now....back sometime soon...........

thanks to everyone............love ya.........Dave

P.S...how about this crazy weather....almost a 75 degree change in only 4 days....

"..it's the Father and Child reunion....."

Hello all;

It is a wonderful Saturday afternoon here in Baltimore, and it is still 2 weeks til Spring, Ya know we're in for a blizzard!

Went to see "Coraline" with Rachel today, it is an amazingly well done animation, and a good story, if a little bit dark. If anyone has small kids and was concerned about the hype in the press regarding whether to take them or not..if your kid is aware of the difference between the 'real' and the movie or tv imaginary world. no problem, no matter what chronological age. I went out to Lutherville after the library closed yesterday, to my friend AnnaMarie's, had a shower , a hot meal, washed clothes and watched "The Devil Wears Prada"..pretty good film..but then I like 'chick flicks'..it's that latent lesbianism in me...you know.."trapped in a man's body....."...LOL. I am her at the Pikesville Library with Rachel, so I'm signing off now..see you all tomorrow.........Dave

Addenda

HI;

Had a few questions about the comment feature;

COMMENT AS ANONYMOUS

OR

USE NAME/URL AND LEAVE URL BLANK

DAVE

"Does Any Body Really Know What Time It Is"

Good Morn/After/Eve-ning;

I have been in and out of the Library with and with out Rachel today writing this post (which is also a continuation of some of last night's thoughts) since 9:30 am this morning..LOL. Too many side trips into FAIRYTALE LAND and cyberspace via The FUNBRAIN PLAYGROUND, and Starbucks, and our special secret land that is home to " Princess Rachelrella and the Magic Dustbunnies"...the continuing saga!...(via Daddy's imagination with some creative advice, collaboration and correction(!) by Rachel...{don't even try to slip in an inconsistency or take a lazy shortcut as a time saver with a 5(nearly) year old editor on hand..OY!! wait til she can read THIS...I'll be 'blue pencilled' to distraction...LOL})

I'll try again before closing to limit my ramblings and babblings to a minimum.

I have been sitting on this little bit of personal 'meshugas' for a week now letting it marinate before bringing it to the table, or maybe it is a more apt analogy to say letting it come to a head like a pimple before it bursts...whatever..

I went back to a doctor to get the results of some blood work and an ultrasound last week, and when I walked into the office I knew that I was about to be told something that I REALLY did NOT want to hear, he had "The Look" on his face. Before he could get started I asked if there was any immediate solution available to me/us at the present time in my present circumstances, and whether in the grand scheme of things, a month more or less made a difference...he said NO and NO...30 to 90 days and some sort of course would have to be decided on but nothing would realistically be possible within 30 days, even in a perfect world. He then started talking about white cell counts and viral loads, and cytotoxins, and metastasizing anomalies, and blood gasses, and at that point he turned and went into the storage closet to get the model of the gastro-intestinal system, talking about needle biopsies........I had not even sat down yet and I quietly faded into the sunset, and was out the door and in the elevator on the way down before I heard the commotion and my name being called out in consternation and confusion. Soon after, the phone beagan to ring, I let it. The one person I have told all to before now, whose opinion and discretion I trust, asked me if I was playing ostrich. I answered that No, I wasn't, but right now my 'trauma-drama' inbox was full, and my 'medical misery mortgage' quotient had been exceeded for the next 10 years.....so I was not accepting any more 'toxic loans' and that I would deal with it eventually, when I received my own personal 'WallStreetBail-out" but not to hold her breath unless she was fond of passing out............SH*T, I am out of time again... I am not 'fatally foolish', just 'fatalistic' right now...and I've heard this song before....so if I seemed flakier tha usual in the past week...this is why, GRATITUDE, for what I currently HAVE IN MY HANDS...and PERSPECTIVE of the bigger picture.....anyway..I hope to back and a bit more coherent tomorrow after Rachel and I see "CORALINE".......bye all............DAve

"On The Road Again........"

Greetings and Hallucinations;

How is everyone this fine evening? What a beautiful day and a much milder evening can do for one's overall outlook! 3 nights indoors helps too! I don't want to repeat last nights post, just to emphasize the effect on the psyche.

I ended up spending the night at Monkee's in the basement last night, a little bit of poor me, a little bit of a con, and a little bit of 'baksheesh'...LOL, it worked!..LOL. So, 2 nights of luxury, 1 night of poverty, and it's back to being a boy scout!

I felt the pressure of oncoming economic disability looming above...(aka--I'm running totally out of cash), me..so I went out to the corner with my little sign for about an hour this afternoon, I had a lot of waves and 'where you beens...are you okay?s', I have made more of an impression with more people than I thought. I picked up a quick $20.00, and I feel much relieved. I am able to take Rachel to the Saturday discount matinee of "Coraline" this weekend, and we are coming back here to the library tomorrow (Fri.) to see a kids program called 'Merry Mother Goose', a song and story thing. (Which we would be going to anyway...it's a freebie!)

Okay it is closing time..a few quick items..........

1)..I want to thank all those who give me a dollar or two or even less and say "It's not much...I'm sorry", PLEASE!!! DON"T BE!!..everything is a blessing, and the fact that you are scraping your pockets to give to me is a blessing back on you also!!

2)....I have figured out that if I could get a months woth of donations at one shot..I could get a room!!

gotta go finish tomorrow...Dave

"Sleep that knits the ravell'd sleeve of care......"or "What a difference a Day makes...."

Hello;

I don't have too much to comment on that is new right now, I would like to mention that a couple nights out of the cold, and access to unlimited hot showers can mean the difference between wanting to live and wanting to die, to someone on the streets. This is not to say it is a 'cure', and I am not addressing 'action' only 'ideation' here. Just the feeling of being clean, truly clean and 2 nights of not having to worry about the cold, intruders or trespassing issues, can relax and refresh, and renew, both body and soul. For me, it is a game changer and an 'attitude adjustment' (without the sometimes included but not wanted..."oops upside the head" component...LOL). Add to that the phone call from Rachel, saying "Daddy We're at Starbucks are you coming by", and the subsequent visit with her (I was actually only waiting for the bus to arrive, as I had just checked out of the Howard Johnsons), and my day has --so far-- been really good..(again, Gratitude and Perspective play their respective roles). But this is not just me, the ability to lay aside all 'security' worries, if only for a night, allows the body to enter REM sleep freely and without reservations, and the subconscious to 'let down it's guard'. To relate it to your world, compare it a nice cold beer, or a drink, or a glass of wine, (to a non-alcoholic), at the end of the work week, not a 'buzz', but that deeply satifying tension releasing "AHHHHH" as the back muscles unclench, and you enjoy the company of your family or significant other..or even Fido or Fluffy coming up for a scratch behind the ears, for you single folks..(LOL)...The weather breaking the freezing point for the first time in 3 or4 days had a lot to do with it also....But mainly, being able to lock a door, not having to crawl out of bed at 6:00 am., just to go sit in the coffee shop to get warm, and use the bathroom,...jeez, I did not leave the building until almost 11.00 am. for 2 days in a row!!! I don't know how many months it's been since that last happened....just getting up tp pee in the middle of the night, and not having worry about singing soprano before I finish......

I am going to again express my thanks to both the Bailey family, and Michelle, for making my nights of comfort, and security!, possible, and for being directly responsible for my peace of mind, and thereby being able to be cheerful and relaxed for Rachel, to give her a stress free, positive time with her Daddy, (and also mellow enough NOT to follow up on the theme of last nights rant, when encountering the ex).

Shared thought.....Easily converted, overseas shipping containers, into semi-permanent homeless housing, more durable than a trailer/mobile home ............Dave

Gratitude, Goddesses, and Guilt

Hi;

Have you ever been overcome or overwhelmed by two conflicting emotions at one time? I had walked out of the Starbucks to go down the hill to the gas station mini mart for a couple of minutes and when I returned my friend from MICA was sitting there trying to catch up on some administrative work. We started to chat and a whole bunch of pent up frustration and anger began to bubble up, and she graciously allowed me to vent..(you all are okay but electrons just don't cut it in the emotional feedback department..LOL)...and I must have shown more concern about the weather than I was trying to let out come to the surface, I thought I was treating it with a serious but cavalier attitude, kinda que sera sera-ish, but I guess some of my fear seeped through.

We were deep enough in conversation that it was closing time and neither realized it and had not even begun to pack up. As we were leaving she said she was going to go to the Giant to get some cash to give to me to get a room for the night, I tried to dissuade her, although I must be honest, not as strong as I could have, nor did I outright refuse. Well she met me at the library and handed me enough for a room tonight, I am so choked up right now and I am also feeling guilty for taking the money..although it was not solicited, and was freely given. I tried to make an attempt to repay/return/reciprocate the gesture, but was politely rebuffed...when I get this grocery gift card I have coming...well we shall see!!! For my own self respect I have to do something in return, even if I cannot match the amount, I can treat her to something special or fancy that she would not normally buy for her self....or better yet I'll buy it for her daughter, that way she cannot refuse...LOL..........anyway, it is closing time...

back tomorrow.........................Dave

"....welcome to the Hotel California."---NOT!!--- more like Hot l Baltimore...!!!!

Good Morning,

and welcome to another thrilling chapter of the mis-adventures, trials, tribulations; And "Battles Against": adversity, Governmental incompetence and apathy, corporate insensitivity and greed, predatory fellow homeless people, the demons of addiction, my own procrastination and assorted mental and emotional dysfunctions, malfunctions, and compunctions, AND those little, invisible green and purple beings from the 6th dimension who are following me and trying to invade my brain and take up residence.

I am here at the library with Rachel and we are playing on the 'Funbrain' site online and on the library "Kid's Computer".

For those who are interested, I survived the cold last night, obviously, because ghosts have a real hard time trying to use a keyboard, being incorporeal and all that ectoplasmic stuff leaves a gooey mess all over the screen too!

When the wind chill hit -3 degrees below zero, I gave up on multi-multi layering of clothing, (having only the one fairly thin blanket to wrap myself in) and took the bus down to the Howard Johnsons in Pikesville, about 2:00 am. I had my "Absolute Emergency Fund" built up to $47.00, due to the generosity of Milton B. and family, but I still needed $16.00 to get a room, so went to the 7-11 across and up the street and "promoted" that amount. I am glad I did, not only for the shower I so desperately needed and the bed out of the cold, but because, watching the news on CNN and The Weather Channel, about the storm, I found out that a truly frightening number of people have died due to the extreme cold in the past 3 days...like they say,,"there but for the grace of.......etc."..........anyway I will be back this evening, hopefully with a new insight or theme to babbble about. later....Dave

P.S, Rachel says to say hello and to say hi to her when you see us in Starbucks...bye...d.b.c..&..r.m.s.c.

Okay, I'm back, and alot sooner than I thought I would be.

I am so angry right now I could explode!!

(Disclaimer: This is about to become a personal venting, which is also part of the purpose of this blog, so I am giving you all fair warning, that as reasonable, detached, dispassionate, as I try to be at times as an observer and chronicler of people and events......THIS AIN'T ONE OF 'EM!!!)

So, at 9:45 this morning I get a text msg. from the EX, stating that her appt. for a job interview had been changed, (moved from 2pm to 11am that day, and was I still available to watch Rachel, (knowing full well that I will and have dropped every and any thing at a moment's notice or even with no notice at all!). Of course I made it as easy as possible in regards to location and logistics for her to meet me and to drop us off at the library. AND!, when she called to pick Rachel up, offered to hang out for a while longer so that she could go to a bank in Towson and FED/EX in Pikesville, because she screwed up on the rent again and had to do all kinds of last minute bullsh*t to overnight it to the landlord...A-F*ckin-gain!! so now I have to worry and stress out over how many months behind she let it get THIS TIME and whether the landlord will even accept it, because she warned her (the ex) that it has happened too many times before and that the last time was the straw that broke the camel's back. ...tangential rage ...sorry....but this has been a continuing pattern of abuse of my beig, basically a decent guy and even when I am pissed off at her or she has screwed me again, always being available, now with Rachel there is no question at all...anytime..anywhere..any reason, I'll be there. The ironic and hypocritcal part of this situation is that when we were in the apartment where we lived, (the one with the garage that I ended up squatting in for most of a year, and which was recently boarded up suddenly) and I was forced to leave and technically should not have stayed in the house with her OTHER 4 kids....every time that she needed someone to watch one of them if they were sick or off of school, and she could not take off of work, or had an interview....guess who was there??? sometimes getting a call at 6.30 am. when I was in the MCVETs overnight emergency shelter, downtown, and had an hours travel time to be there, busting my ass to get out to Pikesville sp she would not be late for work, Of course as soon as she got home from work I would immediately have to leave, whatever the weather or if I was feeling well or not......SO you are wondering when do I get to the point...sorry, here it is...I asked her when she called me this morning for a favor, to be able to sleep on the couch tonight because the weather is supposed to be bitterly, dangerously cold again, she said she "had to think about it". Fine..when she picked up Rachel, after all the extra running around, I asked what she had decided, and she blew me off again, saying she was inclined not to, that there were many 'issues' she had. At this point I told her she was a real piece of work and kissed Rachel goodbye. Then I came in here and started to write this to blow off steam.....I know you are not intimate with all the details and I am aware that my anger probably 'slants' my writing some, but I am sick and tired of being used at her convenience, of being powerless to ensure my daughter's safety, hygiene, and health (oh DON'T let me go THERE today!!). And the fact that I let myself be a scapegoat in her battle to keep her children for 5 years shouldering all her public SH*T so she could present a better face to the courts, F*CKING my own self in the process, (time out..here is one of those "coincidences" that keep occurring in my life and one of the actions that inspired the main focus of this blog!, in the middle of my rant, my phone rings, and i am not 100% sure of the number that is on the caller ID, and I am/was on a roll here..LOL, so I let the voice mail pick up, when I listen to the message , it is Lisa the Mgr. from My Starbucks, asking if I was okay, and telling me that she and Susie were worried because of the deep freeze temperatures and the fact that I did not come in at my usual time (around 6:00 am) and had not been in all day!! I called her back to thank her and told her how touched I was that not only did she/they think of me, she took the time to somehow dig up my phone number (HMMM..mystery to be solved) and call me. Again the goodness of people shine through all the crap...)

Allright I/\"m done...DAVE

Timing

Closing time...and now I get E-MAILS......OY VEY!!!

Post the Third

Yoo Hoo:

okay this is silly , it's like that old joke, where the standup comic says:

"I know you're out there...I can here you breathing"

Yeah I know..."Nobody here but us chickens.........."

I think one of the reasons for my melancholy thus evening is the fact that I watched "The Philadelphia Story" with Kathryn Hepburn, Jimmy Stewart, and Cary Grant..........I always wanted , if not to be him, to be as suave and as cool as he was....and the characters life styles are extremely attractive also to say the least.

I think I use that Phrase to much some times...LOL

bye,,,,,,,,Dave

Assorted Additional Random Ramblings

Good Evening;

I am back here at the library until closing at 9:00 pm., trying to figure out what to do and/or where to go tonight. The weather report says 8 to 15 degrees with windchills in the 0 to 5 below range. Sorry, but this requires vulgarity: P*SS, SH*T, F*CK!!!...there, that solved nothing, but I feel better! I am just babbling on this, the second post of the day, while I am surfing the net and catching up on some belated e-mails, so I am just ging back and forth and adding content as it strikes me and as i feel like it. I am in one of my "schizoid" moods, being at this time generally in a fairly happy and reasonably sane mindset while being cranky and pissed off at the same time. Tonight is one of those periods where I am truly at the mercy of the weather, forced by extreme cold and wind to choose among options that are all unpalatable to me, reducing my "choice" to that of the least objectionable path that will keep me alive and out of the hospital or jail.

Whatever happened to the 'cheap motel', or the urban transient hotel, or the 'rooming house' of story and movie? Baltimore does not even have a 'skid row' or 'flop houses', what a rinky dink city. (of course "shooting galleries" and "crack houses" are as common as steamed crabs, hon!), even the dumps want $60.00 a night for a room!

The sh*tty thing is I am so in need of a shower and a night in a real bed...I am considering getting a room...don't even ask where I am gonna get the cash...just know that it won't be 'criminal' or at least a felony.....LOL {?}. The problem is that if I do so, that uses up my "emergency fund"...(which by itself will not cover the room)...so I will still have to acquire more money in the next hour or so....and opportunities at this time of night on a cold dark winter night are limited...hmmmm?

Okay, most night when I am finishing up here at the library at least two or three of you are e-mailing me...where is everyonr tonight???

Gobal Warming My Ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi There;

If anyone is unaware of the fact it is cold as a polar bear's backside out there today, and last night was worse...and believe it or not TONIGHT is supposed to be colder still! Oh Sh*t is about the mildest comment I can make right now. I HATE the cold!!!!!!!!! and for those who ask 'why stay?',.....the only reason I am still in Baltimore and not in a beach town somewhere south of the 28th parallel is that I cannot yet leave/take my daughter!!!!!!! I am actually considering a shelter for tonight (as a LAST resort) if I cannot find a way to "insert" myself into a "target of opportunity"!! I'll be back at the library after 8:00pm tonight (Monday), for an hour until close, if I do not "realize my objective" before then. (Can you tell I have been reading a book with a military {and also corporate} subplot to it?...LOL)...By the way this is an unsubtle and overt attempt to cause an invitation to appear by ''Spontaneous Materialization''...(it is a science fiction book too). I'd like to be able to take a shower, but..beggars can't be choosers......'Alms for the poor kind and generous madam or sir, may you name be inscribed in the Book of Life, noting your graciousness, wisdom, and charitable nature...just the merest, meanest corner, where this unworthy person could lay his head out of the cold , cruel wind and deathly bitter weather, all the while singing your praises to the almighty and the world, proclaiming your resemblance to the saints through your actions on behalf of this humble and grateful being.......'????

On another note, I saw Mike again last night as I was getting off the bus (where I had just killed 3 hours staying warm) to go into the gas station to use the restroom, and to wash up and brush my teeth before slipping into my latest "mostly sheltered, but very cold" hideyhole. I had a bag of food and I gave it to him and another homeless guy, {call him "Rainman", no futher explanation or description should be needed!!} and they followed me across the street and into the gas station/ mini mart. I was telling Mike about my good fortune the night before, not knowing Rainman was standing behind a display rack eavesdropping, and I gave Mike some cash, because he was needful of it. Well, a minute later Rainman walks up and at full volume starts broadcasting my financial situation to a bunch of strangers in a gas station at 1:00 oclock in the morning...not a wise, prudent or safe thing to do!!! After I blasted him and waited until he left and was not watching from the shadows anywhere, (there is no "code of honor" among the homeless, the person you help today could very well cut your throat for the price of a loose cigarette tomorrow..[actual incident, 2007]....unless you know a person, ie. Mike, and trust them to an extent.."don't ask--don't tell" is the order of the day. Just a footnote here, as I was heading over to use the restroom, I looked up and saw the last KENO game of the night was about to be played, so just for sh*ts and giggles I threw a buck on my age, 53, and Rachel's, 4. As I left the restroom and said goodbye, beginning to exit the store, the clerk asks me if I want my money, turns out I won $10.00,..LOL, so I recouped the money I gave Mike, the buck I spent on the ticket, and had money to buy something to eat to replace the bag of food that Rainman grabbed from Mike. Small thing??...Maybe...I prefer to take it as cosmic approval of an application of the concepts of Paying It Forward and/or Passing It On.

I spent another couple of hours this morning working with C. on her appeal to the Maryland 'Court Of Special Appeals', it really can be emotionally and intellectually draining to help someone if, like me, one allows oneself to become involved or cannot remain detached or aloof, trying to help a friend can be both rewarding and spiritually exhausting, but I'd rather be an emotional bankrupt, than go through life as an emotional cripple.

Okay, personal trivia.....Hi to Richard, welcome..................and Hey Saleesha...........(??spelling??), I have not seen you in the coffee shop for a while...everything all-right?.......Angela..still checking in occasionally?, are you well??.........Neil..I heard you were asking about me....thanks,.....and I want to extend special and public greetings and acknowledgements to my e-mail buddies extrordinaire...Anne, and Mary, your kind words and thoughts and prayers AND!!.the exchange of ideas we share really do make a difference in my life and attitude and ability to cope and survive, rather than just 'exist', the people I "see" on a day to day basis, have mentioned a measurable, if not precisely describable, "change" since our correspondence started (FYI I "met" you both at approximately the same time from the Craigs List posts last year),..I thank you, and to all who read my words and keep returning..I am grateful...{there's that word again!!!!} that you are part of my continuing sobriety and ( this may be debated...LOL) sanity...........pardon the slide into the quagmire of my emotional swamp......but just in case I get my karmic pink slip without warning....

with a sense of affection and love..[agape]...I thank you......Dave

Don't ask me where that stuff came from........?????

Amazing Grace!!!!!!

Good day everyone;

Sundays are getting to busy, busy, busy..it is getting harder to get online here, and yesterday was a zoo also. I'll be quick, I've only got 12 minutes, First, ANOTHER!!! beautiful example of man's goodness and God's grace to me ...i was in the coffee shop helping to clean up at closing as I often do, and a gentleman and his wife came in for coffee. He saw me putting the excess pastry in a bag and I offered him one, he declined and asked what I did with them , I told him. I give the m to a homeless guy...ME..and we went through the usual ritual i have come to expect..."you homeless ..no way...etc.". After we talked for a while and I gave him a brief version of my story, he called his wife over and we talked ..at this point they exchanged a look , the way married couples sometimes can and she asked him how much, and handed me a $20.00, at which point I protested that it wass not necessary and said I do not solicit here , whereupon he reached in his pocket and handed me a$100.00 bill!!!!!!!!!!! we then prayed, holding hands in a circle, and talked a few more minutes and i met their daughter...I am out of time.....ANY WAY>>>>>WOW!!!..I'llbe back tomorrow with more commentary. But for now,,..Thank you and God Bless You, Milton, LaValle, and Jasmine B. (I have not asked pemission to use the last name)....And again....Does anyone who reads this doubt why I am always tryin to maitain...." AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE "...????

AS some said to me yestyerday.. "Dave You are MESSED UP BUT BLESSED UP!!!) LOL...BYE ..Dave