Good Morning;
Well, it's Monday again...and for me, they were never "Blue" as they are to some. Coming from a family that put the 'dys' into dysfunctional, when all my 'friends' spent Sundays with their families, I spent a lot of time alone or in bars with other loners or losers. So when Monday, and the beginning of the work week rolled around, I was happier than most. Friday nights, Saturdays, and Saturday nights were my time to shine, ( this, of course being BEFORE the addiction and it's 'product line' became the be all and end all of my existence...LOL). Now days, life is a lot calmer, some may say boring..though it does have it's moments. The library closes at dinner time on Fri., Sat., and Sun. evenings, leaving me at loose ends if the finances are low and I am being sensible and frugal..and needless to say, (as he redundantly said it), NOT USING! So with the difficulties of getting enough, if any computer time on Sat. and Sun., by Monday I'm going into Internet withdrawal sometimes...HA!
{Oh, by the way, I am referring to times when I am NOT with Rachel} But Sundays...now that can go 2 ways...some Sundays, when there is no business in the coffee shop and I am broke, with no income opportunities, and unmotivated to panhandle, or the weather precludes it, can be a bitch, if I cannot focus enough to read the paper or a book, or watch a video....(yeah Neil, sometimes you may catch me NOT reading..LOL). Ah, but Sundays like Yesterday!, I am in my element, the Starbucks was filled with MY "people", at time in shifts, at times in concurrent groups, and I was engaged in conversations all day, ranging from discussing the newspaper, to sharing the crossword puzzle, to medical ethics, to just plain silliness.....you get the picture. I felt as if I was holding court, or a member of the "Round Table" at 'The Algonquin', with Dorothy Parker, et. al. ( I have always dreamed of or been intrigued by being part of a "salon" or learning in a "Socratic" type environment, such as my fantasy of being enrolled in the "Great Books" program at St. Johns College (University?) in Annapolis, Maryland...thinking for the sake of thinking....maybe I'm weird but that idea is orgasmic....{you can tell my love life is in a really deep rut!...LOL}). When I lived in Fells Point and was writing much more frequently and fluently, and working the night shift in restaurants, I spent my mornings in or outside of the Daily Grind, with the same Bohemian, or more so with the preponderance of musicians and artists residing there at the time...( not so much any more, the people who made the areas reputation can no longer afford to live there..thank you "Gentrifiers" and real estate speculators ), at a table covered with scraps of poems and random thoughts and ideas, acting as an anchorage for those folks rotating in and out on their morning commutes or constitutionals. "NORM" with a double espresso instead of a beer..that was me....LOL.
Okay..I've been listening to a tribute to George Carlin, and the 30th Anniversary Edition release of Bruce's "Born To Run"...great stuff...and timeless...
The bit that inspired the 2nd half of the title to todays post is a constant worry in my life and a major hassle when I have to go to an appointment somewhere with enhanced security screening, I walk in the door with 2 strikes against me already sometimes, and make no friends with the security guards at any government facilities....instant confrontation and intransigence as soon as I put my bag on the table for inspection.
Running out of time.....to touch on something from a few days ago, one of the reasons I and other homeless do not take more "advantage"...debatable term in some cases, of services is the requirement of surrendering all independence to some bureaucracy, for an unequitable return....too many of us have been either locked up or institutionalized against our wills ...gotta go.........Dave
Back;
Depending on the person, of course, the backlash of this can be a return to the 'PEOPLE, PLACES, AND THINGS' that put them there in the first place, a total subservient and instituitionalized attitude and demeanor that does not fade with freedom, and/or a complete rejection of all things requiring any sublimation of will or identity or individuality. Each person is of course unique in their reaction and there are many shades or degrees of submission or rebellion. I myself, like to think of being aware of my choices and conscious of the decisions I make, and accepting that rationalizing is not always 'rational'. I would rather keep what semblance of independance I can, while still attempting to take what advantage I can from the 'System'. As I have referred to before, having worked a 12 step program allow me to admit that my choices, while not always the best, are at least made with the knowledge that they are influenced by my mental and emotional and physical...lets call them "difficulties", as a condensation, for brevities sake,...tempered by experience and whatever intelligence lingers in my warped and twisted psyche... stop it..no you can't type now..no, i mean it, you can have a turn later..yes you too..now don't cry.....okay, okay..everyone can each take a turn.... sorry about that, I hate it when all my personalities gang up on me, they just won't play nice sometimes..........LOL
But seriously...even the 'damaged' have a need and desire to retain some control over their lives, and often times choosing to NOT accept or allow assistance is the (in their/our minds) seem to be only path left open.
gotta go .......Dave
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