Good afternoon;

Ever had one of those days when you just can't seem to get focused?

You know, when you've got SO much you want/need to do, and you look at the clock and 4 or 5 hours have passed and nothings done and you are not sure where the time went, AND you were NOT!! stoned or otherwise 'chemically modified"!!....(Geez, I hate these damn alien abductions, ya figure if they are that advanced that they can erase my memory, they could at least set the clock back to the time they pulled me up to their UFO!!..guess I'll have to start wearing my foil hat again...LOL), Stop Laughing..it is a believable excuse as...the dog ate my homework!!

But seriously, after I went over to see my daughter and take a shower yesterday, I have not been able to accomplish much, besides answering e-mails, I am desperate to get some cash now, (I never made it out, and can't find my 'trading partners' for a card exchange, and after the friggin' crap that went down last night, I have exactly .07 cents!

Okay...time is tight so...

Last night I saw 'Mike/Leo' who I've mentioned before, he had told me how he almost got busted taking a shower, somewhere he should not have been, and was approached while he was 'butt naked' in the shower, I'm sorry but I can't stop laughing at the picture that brings to mind, ya gotta know/have seen Mike,...LOL. Anyway, I had a bag of goodies from Starbucks and he was needy, so I gave him some pastries and sandwiches, as usual, his gratitude embarrassed the hell out of me, so to cover up I pressed him on the story, turns out he snuck into the Hilton Hotel's Tennis Club in Pikesville, this is the same place he has been rousted for sleeping under the stairs in the 'fire stairway'. I just don't get it, why return to a place where you are known, and why cultivate an adversarial relationship with folks who MAY (my emphasis) let you slide if you ask? (Not to mention the cops, who don't like him any way) But that's just me. I just want to be loved...LOL.

So anyhow, I had about $15.75 in a small envelope tucked into one of the inside pockets that is inside of the outer zipper pocket of my bag, which was zipped and sitting out of plain sight beside the bench at the Starbucks. I went to the other end of the shop to get a napkin, as usual having no concern about leaving it on the floor....turns out I was being targeted by someone watching in the window, casing out the place, most likely to rip it off, but I presented a better 'target of opportunity' when I turned around I saw the door closing and a figure trotting away rapidly down the street, I just KNEW that something weird had went down, instinct, intuition, experience, and...having been a ripoff artist myself in the 'bad old days'. I hurried outside and saw him getting on the bus, and through the windows as it passed I saw a pair of '30 something' petty crooks/junkies/professional homeless types...the stereotypes from which we are all typecast and tarred and feathered. I would not have known who had hit me if these assholes had not been pointing out the window and laughing at me. NOW I was pissed, where before I had been annoyed at my own stupidity and lapse of awareness. After the coffee shop closed I sat around out side, it was cool but comfortable, and waited for my other friend Mike to get off work at the Giant. While I was sitting there reading and contemplating, my anger blew up and blew over, and I let it go, feeling that karma will deal with it..( I'm not and will not be "ill", I had food, nothing else was missing, {I had been REALLY worried about the DVD player lent me by the 'ex'}, had on clean clothes, had and a full belly and even a cocktail...it's only money, in the long run), so, F*CK IT!! When Mike and I finished talking, I decided to ride the train for a while, and after a trip up, down, and back up, I was getting off at my station stop to catch the bus..when guess who comes running for the train, being chased by a 'Metro cop'.....yup my buddies...'rip' and 'run'.....as they came down the escalator shouting "hold that door", I recognized them and all that high school football and lacrosse training kicked in from 35 years ago, (I was an offensive lineman...aka.."ROADBLOCK"....HA!), I accidentally stepped back in the doorway, causing one of the dimwitted duo to carom off into the other, both of them to, totally unintentionally, but quite gratifyingly and violently face plant themselves into the stainless steel side of the train car, at which point the cops caught up with them, I inconspicuously stepped back into the train, the doors closed, and grinning and offering the troublesome twosome the 'one finger vertical salute', I rode off into the night. I took another circuit of Baltimore's expansive and extensive subway system...LOL..and returned to my station and delicately queried someone there as to 'all the excitement' a little while ago. She was happy to give me a blow by blow (only slightly exaggerated) account of what happened..turns out the geniuses wanted to argue and resist a cop who was already pissed at having to run after them [word of advice from personal experience...DON'T I repeat, DON'T make a cop run after you unless you have an insane desire to visit Central Booking].....kismet..fate???? All I know is that it was very satisfying.

Time up..I'll be back,,Dave

Okay..Back for Round 2.1

Here is a couple thoughts on something I have been trying to cope with and a subject that I have others on the street lament about. The feeling of total lack and loss of control of events and situation in one's life. From one perspective, this is illustrated by the slowness of the bureaucracy when trying to receive assistance, especially in any urgent, but non life threatening circumstance. Even trying to get a DSS worker on the phone or a question answered at one of the offices is damn near impossible, and the unwillingnes, in most-not all, cases of the worker to give a verifiable statement of "WHEN"...(other than when benefits end..or their shift ends or breaktime begins!) is enough to give an already fragile, or depressed, or anxiety ridden person serious emotional and mental trauma. The "NOT KNOWING" is bad enough, but the ingrained un-helpfulness and mulishness really can cause an addict on the edge to relapse, or a 'cutter' to return to behavior they know is destructive, but familliar. I am too close to sanity's edge myself, however it may appear on the facade I am able to present, not to feel some of the powerlessness and impotence. This is also brought out in family situations where one wants to help out, but prevented by circumstances. OR, when one needs to intervene, as in the case of a child's welfare, health, or safety, and has no resources and no powerbase from which to act. The frustration of knowing a situation is wrong, but having no leverage with which to effect change or force someone to get help, is physically debilitating and mentally enervating, at times giving rise to ideations that are on the brink of unstable....[and in this post 911 world, I'll leave it there, because of the fact that mis-interpretation of an expressed feeling is too often taken as intent]. If one has less education, and was raised in a sub-culture of domestic (if not actual abuse or violence) disrespect, the acting out on a physical level, the instant confrontational response is a 'normal' reaction. I see this all the time, on the bus, in the offices of DSS, and when I am forced there...emergency shelters and soup kitchens. As can well be imagined this is typical behavior in prison, jail, pre-trial detention, and parole and probation offices and facilities. When one is either ignored or considered guilty of SOMETHING, the inability to refute the at a glance opinions and determinations of others, combined with the inarticulateness to properly express the outrage, can result in opposite but equally harmful reactions, one is the aggressive 'F*CK IT' mindset, that get's one shot by the cops or kicked to death; the other is the paranoid, beaten down, helpless and hopeless surrender that results in a steady decline in any feelings of self worth or esteem, becoming a 'victim' not only in one'e own eyes, but also in the eyes of the last people to see one, usually emergency room personel and the medical examiner coroners, who are trying to determine if the cause of death is self inflicted........A little melodramatic, a little dis-jointed in continuity, but very, very real.

As some of you may have picked up I am going through a period of similar emotional distress, in regards to my daughter and her mother. I can't and won't go into personal detail here, but if you know me and see me..I could use a shoulder that is made of Kevlar...yet padded with Kleenex....LOL.

In all seriousness though, my experiences in 12 step programs, have enabled me to cope better than some, but I STILL feel that lack of empowerment very strongly, so if you see someone out there who seems a lttle "crazy", A: consider the backstories...and B: try to give them some sort of power back, even if it is a couple of bucks to buy their own meal..or whatever they choose...gotta go...............DAVE