"From The Bitter..........Comes The Sweet..................."

Good Afternoon;

Sometimes when one picks up a certain book and opens it at random a sentence, a word, a passage.......a message will jump out and stand before you, enlightening or reminding what is known but set aside or forgotten. My heart and soul has been filled with anger and hate, keeping me from feeling the gratitude and love beneath. Yesterday I was compelled to again pick up and read from "Grandmothers Whisper", a memoir by my friend Inette Miller, of her journey and the leap of faith she took when she met and married 'Iokepa Hanalei 'I-maikalani, a kanaka maoli, and the rite of passage into worlds of both the spiritual and the depths of her own self-knowledge.

"We send many messengers, many voices - many ways.

Remember to respect the other ways. You do not need to embrace their ways - just them. If you do not hear the truth, embrace them still - but distance their way.

It is a fine line: Embracing all, respecting only truth, not mistaking others' truth for your own, and never embracing lies."

I have forgotten the journey, focusing only on material needs; and thereby blocking my ability to receive the gifts to meet those very needs. Hopefully, this is the beginning of the cleansing and catharsis of body and soul, heart and spirit, I know I need to get back to being "me".

Later...................Dave

"Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder............................AKA...............Spring Break--Mental Health Days.................."

Good Afternoon;

Hi, I just want to say thank you to all the loyal readers who have been following, and those who stop by on a semi-regular basis. After 2 years and 4 months and 862 posts of near daily writing I am at a point where I need to take a short break.

The depression that I am always battling has started to get the upper hand and I am not only losing faith, hope and confidence....I am losing my sense of humor. As twisted as it is at times and totally alien to a whole lot of people, (many of whom should not be reading this blog if they don't 'get' some of the sarcasm and satirical references), it has always been a life saver to me.

I think I need to find a way to rejuvenate my soul while attempting to heal my body. Right now everything hurts and I am always exhausted, and as a result I am spending 10, 12, 15 hours curled up in the sleeping bag in a fetal position, neither fully asleep, nor fully awake. The voices in my head, echoes of both the past and the present are beginning to wear me down with the constant intimations, innuendos and downright blatant accusations and declarations of uselessness, and worthlessness.

The facade of functionality is wearing thin and in places peeling and chipping away, leaving raw and quivering patches of naked nerve, susceptible to the teeth and claws of both internal and external demons. The desire to give up and give in is constantly beating and battering against the barricades of my resistance, and more and more the best form of defence is to permanently deny them victory by emulating the inhabitants of Masada..........which, consciously at any rate, at this time I do not wish to do...yet; but some days the screaming is so loud, and the pain is so bad...... When the only constant in life seems to be 'everybody leaves',......'why not me' begins to sound logical.

Yeah, well......I am going to be posting less often to try and deal with this crap, and also to avoid all the unsolicited 'suggestions', from people who want to "fix" me, or who are totally clueless as to the issues and priorities of both the homeless and those of us attempting to deal with physical and mental illness while homeless.

I am letting bitterness, anger, and frustration overwhelm my words and my basic personality....and I do not like the results. I am looking to regain the sense of gratitude that normally pervades my life, and not the material kind that infects and pollutes. So a bit of distance is in order.

I just got an e-mail from Erik of Pikesville PC that I may be getting my laptop back very soon, and that will be a good thing. I noticed when I had the laptops for that short period that the freedom and mobility was an encouraging factor.

Anyway....Thanks again and I'll be back?? maybe tomorrow, maybe not. Even though I will probably still write everyday, what gets published may not be all that often.

Later.....................Dave

"Monster House......................"

Good Afternoon;

84 degrees and sunny.....awesome! Last night I was up for hours just listening to the thunder and enjoying the flashes and shadows as the lightning went on and on and on...but with little or no rain at all near me!.....wonderful!

I spent ALL day Sunday with the grandkids at Jenn's house and I'm still trying to recover....lol. If there was some way to package all that extra kinetic energy in a mildly hyperactive kid.....the energy problems of the world would be solved....lol!

After taking Rachel to the circus, and playing with the grandmonsters, some of the grief and loneliness relating to Lisa's death has seemed to abate slightly, to the point that I no longer feel as if I was being strangled by an all enveloping black fog.

Saturday I was up real early for an 8:00 am. appointment at Johns Hopkins, and on the way back stopped at Monkee's for a bit. It made no sense to travel all the way back to Pikesville or Towson for a short session on the computer and then back onto the train and bus, so I just went over to the coffeee shop. And that was the right decision, I got into a fascinating conversation with anew acquaintance whom I asked to share the table with me if she wanted, since all other seats were full. We talked for a good hour or more on a wide range of subjects from poetry, to homelessness, to movies and moviemaking, to mental illness, to Baltimore and the way it is percieved by others not from here, and the city's split and (splitting even more) personality. After Jaraina left I repeated the scene with my friend john Erby, and our discussions always cover a seemingly unrelated, but strangely connected variety of subjects.

This morning I was up at 6:00 am., dressed and ready to leave for a mental health appointment when the phone started to buzz. It was the doctor's answering service calling to cancel out as the doctor had an emergency call and would not be available. Wonderful...it took me weeks just to be able to call and schedule the appointment.

I sat back down for a minute and the next thing I knew it was 2:00 pm., so here I am waiting for a callback to set another date and trying to reach my PCP to reschedule my next appointment sooner or to be able to come in and pick up a new set of prescriptions because they run out 9 days before the appointment date.

I also need to see her to find out why my left arm either keeps going numb or starts to shake uncontrollably and the hand and fingers cramp into a claw.....then 15 to 30 minutes later begins to stop and return to normal.

I guess it is back to the Neurology people again to and more MRIs too/

Well, it's not going to happen to day and I need to get some coffee in me and eat something, both for the first time today.

Later ..................Dave

"Welcome To My Nightmare........"

Good Afternoon;

So it's been a generally crappy past 2 days and the rain and the chill and the greyness has not helped. Last night the numbness and tingling returned to my right leg and both arms and hands, though the feeling of "Hot" coldness did not. I also had a whole bunch of really bizarre dreams all night once I fell asleep about 12:30 am., and into and through the morning and afternoon. I woke up at 9:45 am. thinking it was my usual morning 6:00 am. bathroom call, and fell back into and out of a troubled sleep until I got up and out at 2:30 pm. this afternoon. When I do dream, I always have wild and weird ones, but these were just strange and terrifying for the most part, interspersed with some that really illuminated the isolation I feel and the need to find some sort of positive and empathetic female physical contact, on all levels from platonic to romantic to sexual.

But anyway, I went to the RiteAid and had a prescription filled, IN LESS THAN 15 MINUTES!!!, just like the promotional signs said! (and this from the slow and nasty pharmacist!). Then over to the Ginat for "Cheap Chicken Friday" and a whole roterisserie chicken for $5.00, then here, and now my time is up and the library is soon closing, so it is over to the Starbucks for the evening. Just one day I'd like to be able to just wake up and stay inside somewhere....

Later...........Dave

"The Greatest Show On Earth.......(Last Night Yes)......(Right Now ...Hell No!!!)......"

Good Afternoon;

So I'm at the library now and the computers AND the internet connection are acting up, and the rain and unseasonably cool weather has everyone in a bad mood. Add in the pounding sinus headache I have and that the very first thing that I had to do when I got here was go to one of the librarians to get this dumb-ass ignorant ghetto bitch to put the chair back at the computer workstation so I could sit down....and it's not a fun day.

(And right now I am so fed up with the general stupidity and mannerless ignorance of a certain portion of the 'hip-hop/rap/thug/gansta-wannabe culture' inhabitants of Baltimore who are riding and driving the buses, and here bringing ghetto courtesy and civility to the library, and talking and texting while driving and with such an attitude of entitlement that when they damn near hit someone with their car....it's always the other person's fault......that I don't give a damn about 'PC' ......if you want to act like an animal...I'm going to treat you like one!)

And I see in the SunPaper that the General Assembly wants to hike the bus fares!

If the State Of Maryland want revenue, why not just enforce the damn traffic laws regarding the MTA transit buses, they could wipeout the deficit in 6 months! Or just sit in Pikesville with a camera and take pictures of all the idiots talking and texting on cell phone while driving, (of ALL ethnic groups, but primarily the two that have the biggest attitude that they are too good for the laws....[I'll let you do your own survey and see the results]....).

Obviously you can tell I have had some issues with this subject recently, in fact I was almost hit twice yesterday while LEGALLY crossing the street, once by an asshole on the phone making a right turn on red....where it was not allowed! And once by a bus that ran through a red light well above the speed limit!

Enough of the bitching.....Last night Rachel and I had a great time at the Circus, the theme was the celebration of P.T. Barnum's 200th birthday year and a lot of the costumes were 'old timey' and 'retro'. The main clown performance was a tribute to the old fashioned Freak Show, (which for PC was called the Sedeshow....lol). It was also a very long show, well worth a regular price ticket if anyone is thinking about going!

My time here is up and I am getting out before anymore sh*t hits the fan.

(Besides not getting out of the shed until late due to the rain, the Giant HOT water ....wasn't! So I am grumpy because I am drinking lukewarm coffee.....lol!

Later ........... Dave

"Rainbow Fruity Pebbles vs. Colorless Soulless Bureaucracy..................."

Good Afternoon;

So, Sunday night when I was last here I had to get off because my daughter's husband walked by and dropped a comment about the battery was about to die.....well to avoid any argument I just signed off and gave him his laptop back.....after surreptitiously checking the battery life icon.....which said it was better than halfway charged with an 1 hour and 9 minutes left. To those who are always saying "Why can't you live with your daughter.....yadda....yadda....yadda?" Extrapolate this statement and the manner in which it was given, multiply by the decreasing area of a 1 bedroom apartment with 2 adults and 2 small children, 2 cats and a dog already in occupancy and the inversely proportional 'tension factor'......and, well.....as the saying goes...'You Do The Math'.

I found out on Monday morning that the reason I spent Sunday night on the couch, (not asleep, just 'on the couch'), was that Jenn and Tom had a meeting with their priest that morning. Just a minor miscommunication but it changed my plans for the day....as did the fact that the priest was an hour late, extending the time Jenn was out; the fact that Edward was off from school that day, and in a mood that can only be described as intentionally "stuck on stoopid", which coupled with my total lack of sleep resulting in complete physical exhaustion, the unrelenting pain and sinus pressure that nothing would relieve, plus the incessant, wall rattling, chest vibrating, brain pounding, bass enhanced reggae that the asshole next door neighbor, (who is the maintenance man for the complex), had going on for 2 straight hours that had my last frayed nerve buzzing like chainsaw inside my skull.....and the best that can be said for yesterday is..... "It was a good day.............nobody died!"

I left Jenn's around 1:00 pm. to head over to East Baltimore to pick up meds, and got back about 3:00 to get my bags. I finished sorting and packing my laundry and headed out to Mt.Washington about 4:20 pm. While I was crossing the bridge over the Jones Falls walking from the bus stop to the coffee shop I looked over into the river at the Ringed Neck Mallard ducks and Canada geese that habituate the place and tried to see if the bunch of Red Eared Slider were sunning themselves on the concrete glacis lining the banks. They were not out, but on one of the islands of silt and debris built up behind the bridge piers there was a goose curled up with her head tucked under her wing sitting on a nest. This simple act of Mother Nature, and an act of Man, under the bridge of the JFX along Western Run, as I walked over to the bus stop after the coffee shop closed, were all that saved yesterday from being a total write-off.....the concrete walls under this bridge are a favorite Graffiti spot, sometimes filled with art and humor or insightful words, but many times just loaded up with 'tags' and idiocy. They have been getting painted over with a beige paint by the city-county(??) quite regularly recently, covering everything. Well as i walked along the walkway last night I saw that some creative person had gone onto the rocky stream bed, (which is exposed at most times), and painted assorted rocks and small boulders in a random bouquet of bright colors. A 20 yard length of typical shades of gray, brown, and black rocks speckled with blues, greens, reds, oranges, purples, and yellows. A brilliant and lighthearted act of 'guerrilla art' that by it's tongue in cheek audacity and brightly hued defiance is both pleasing to the eye and heart, and a 'thumbing of the nose' to the grey toned bureaucrats who keep ordering the walls painted over.

I wish I had a camera phone!

(BUT!!! I am taking Rachel to the Circus tomorrow...and she is bringing her camera....and we are meeting at the Mt. Washington Light Rail....."Film at Eleven", as the pre-videotape TV news teasers used to say.....LOL!)

Of course after this bit of joyful enlightenment, I had to get a bus driver who is the poster child for all that is wrong with the MTA. From sitting in the bus loop with the bus in gear and almost knockng me back as she revved the engine and the bus rolled forward, to shutting the door on me as I got on, to telling every passenger not to bother with the fare box, (so there is no record of the time), to pulling off 3 minutes early, (the ultimate schedule no-no), to the reckless and negligent driving that got her to the Plaza Metro station 13 minutes EARLY!, and then she pulls off from where she is sup[posed to wait and start the route to the opposite side if the Metro station and parks the bus on Wabash Ave. while she goes up to the platform level and ??? eventually coming down and pulling up to the stop and loading the people on THIS side then pulling off, still 4 minutes early.

[This is the ONLY bus on this run at night, and there are regular riders who depend on the proper sceduling to connect with this bus to and from the Light Rail and other bus routes....miss this bus-wait 1 hour-that is the frequency...]

Anyway, I caught my #59 and went to the Giant, where the "REAL" sinus medicine, with the active ingredient the bathtub crystal meth makers use, is kept.....behind the....just being locked up and the alarm set as I am coming in...pharmacy counter.....typical of my timing. (I found a crushed but still sealed tablet in the bottom of my bag and took that. It was the only thing that let me get to sleep last night.) I went over to the gas station and bought a $1.00 scratch off, which paid $3.00, so I bought another and 2 Keno games, one of which was a free 'Tripler' promotion from the Lottery. As usual I played Rachel's birthday....and won.....on the Tripler!!!!. Well, maybe THIS and the sinus med helped me sleep well......lol!

I went to sleep with the lantern on in the shed about 12:30 am. with a book on my face....and ended up getting up at 1:30 pm. today. I WAS up about every 2 hours, (thank you aging prostate), but went right back to sleep, again, and again, and again....lol.

Now it is time to go to the Giant and get some breakfast...(it's 4:35 pm....lol), and some sinus meds, then to the Metro to get April's monthly bus pass, then over to the coffee shop to eat. I may not be back until Thursday, depending on what time I get in and out of Jenn's to shower tomorrow, and whether there is time to get here before I have to be at Mt. washington Light Rail to meet Rachel and her mother, (who is going to keep my bags in the trunk of the car while we go to the Circus).

It is possible I MAY go to the "Spoken Word Poetry Reading" tonight,(if it is still on), by Light Rail and bus, it depends on how long it takes to get to the coffee shop, and whether I settle in and drop anchor or not.

Later................Dave

"NyQuil Nights.............Scary Sights................................."

Good Evening;

It's Sunday night and I'm at Jenn's about to pass out on the couch......if I can.

Between the insomnia induced by sinus pain and pressure and the drop into the psychedelic vortex of hallucinogenic hell brought on courtesy of my normal nighttime pharmacopoeia and an added NyQuil chaser, there is a narrow window of sleep. Restful, peaceful, childless, non-psychotic dream haunted- sleeeeeeep!.....lol!

I've been here since about 1:30 pm., and took out the trash, vacuumed, and picked up kids toys, cleaned the counters and the stovetop and range hood. Cooked myself lunch and ate it. Everyone came home about 4:00 pm.-ish, and I fed the kids and played with them for a while. I showered and started my laundry and Jenn and Tom went out about 6:30 pm. I put the kids to bed around 8:30 pm. and they are just falling asleep now, (they were almost asleep a half hour ago, but Tom and Jenn came in and so that got them wound up again), and like I said.....I am heading for the embrace of Morpheus, or Hypnos, his father....hopefully! But most likely I'll be visited...or visiting his mother or brothers, Pasithea, Phoebetor, or Phantasus.

Anyway...I have to get off now,

Later....................Dave

See you tomorrow afternoon, from the library :-( still no word on the fate/status of the laptop.

"Sick Leave........Greta Garbo Style......AKA.......'I Vant To Be Let Alone"........"

Good Afternoon;

Well...To use my favorite descriptive line....."I feel like two bags of dead mice!". My nose is running the "Mucous Marathon", my throat fells like a tube of 30 grit sandpaper wrapped in barbed wire, the buzzing in my head has me constantly ducking and looking around for low flying airplanes, and the ringing in my ears has me grabbing for my phone every 2 minutes. I'd have to get better to feel like sh*t! It is somehow appropriate in an ironic, darkly funny way that today is my granddaughter Devin's birthday.....and SHE gave ME all this as a gift!....(LOL!,....NOT! it hurts to laugh).

Of course the weather decided to get crazy and cold and I am still dealing with my 'normal' issues and ailments, (and you know...it's pretty effed up when daily pain and living on the knife edge of sanity is considered 'normal')!?!

And I am still trying to handle the emotional 'collateral damage' known as the "Seven stages of grief" from Lisa's death and the shock of the information I received from the lawyer yesterday,

...(Friday, I was on my way downtown on the Metro to pick up tickets to the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus for Rachel and I on Wednesday the 30th, opening night...[half price special, 2 $26.00 tix for $26.00!]....and I had the cash for them because of Stuart's,{Stewart's??? sp.?} generosity at the Starbucks the other night. I had asked him if I could borrow a couple dollars, thinking $5.00 or so, until the end of NEXT month when I should be a bit caught up....and he pulls out a $100.00 bill!!!, I told him it may take me longer to get this much back to him, and he said , don't worry about it, pay it back as I can!......[and then last night at the gas station, when I went to buy my losing $312 million dollar jackpot MegaMillions lottery ticket...{Ya gotta play to win....but hell I KNOW the odds....lol!}...the video screen that shows the Keno was down and not showing the games, so on a lark and to prove to a big mouth know it all in the station who was blathering on about how the game was a ripoff and and that it could not be played if the screen was not showing the current game, I bought a Keno ticket, waited about 3 minutes for the game to cycle through and as luck, fate, kismet, or karma would have it, checked my ticket in the 'automatic ticket validator' right in front of his fat face and handed the ticket to Daniel to be cashed for $25.00.......LOL!, Shut the loudmouth 'EXPERT' right up!......Ha!],...

{ sorry about the lack of cohesion and coherence here today }

and this past Tuesday, (which I apologize for seeming to be only hinting at or teasing about,...but I am not ready to write about at the moment).

I am torn between feeling guilty about not wanting to come in here to the library and write the blog, and letting down all you folks who have told me how much you look forward to reading my ramblings....

And resentment at feeling I have to come in and write it at times, and trying to be witty and clever when I really want to just tell the whole world to 'back off!', and 'leave me the hell alone!'....

Especially at times like right now, when I feel like sh*t, physically, emotionally, and mentally, and am at a low spiritual ebb also.

Anyway, I am out of here today, I apologize again, and depending on what time tomorrow, (Sunday), I get to go over to Jenn's, (I am monstersitting in the evening, and spending the night), I amy be back....if not....see you Monday.

Later....................Dave

"Maryland, My Maryland........................................."

Good Afternoon;

So I forgot that the libraries are closed today because of a State Holiday, "Maryland Day". I just begged the use of a newly met acquaintance's laptop to check my e-mail and post this to let you know I'll be back Saturday to finish the post I could not complete on Thursday due to lack of time on the library computer. I'm still waiting to hear from Erik about whether he is having any luck with the VAIO.

Later...................Dave

"Ghosts From The Past.................Children Of The Future.........."

Good Afternoon;

Well, I'm back....if anybody cares.

When I left the library on Monday, I did the typical Starbucks then ride back with Jenn after her meeting routine. Tuesday morning I planned to go over her house to shower and have a hot meal in the morning. Welllllll, after waking up at 8:00 am., which was just a bit too early, I took my morning meds and sat back down on the sleeping bag to watch the news on the portable TV....next thing I know it's 11:00 am. and I was still sitting up leaning against the shelf that was digging into my left side and from which I still have a mark, 3 days later....lol.

So it was Giant then Jenn's to eat and shower, and play with the grandkids, and I left there about 3:30 pm. I was on the Metro subway train down to catch the Light Rail to Mt. Washington when the phone rang. It was not a number I recognized and I almost let it go to voicemail as I was about to go into the tunnel and lose reception...BUT!...something said to me, 'No, you really want to answer this call!', .....so I did.

And I am damned glad I did, even though the delayed reaction from the information I received put me into a state of depression so deep that once I got into the shed Tuesday night, I did not leave it until an hour ago, except once to go to the gas station to use the commode and once to go to the Giant to get hot water for coffee and also use the bathroom. From 10:00 pm. Tuesday night until 1:00 pm. today, (Thursday), I just lay there in the sleeping bag.

The phone call was from a lawyer who I am casually acquainted with through his having a vacation home in Florida and who frequented one of the bars/restaurants I was involved with in Florida, and who also knew Lisa, my friend who just passed on. He said he had a package for me and when could I come into his office. Since he is located in the Inner Harbor area, right next to Camden Yards Light Rail Stop, I went right over.

Once there and the initial pleasantries, reminisces, and condolences were out of the way he brought over a file box of documents, photographs and digital memory cards, and assorted papers. These were all from Lisa and her husband Bill, to be given to me upon her death or May 13th 2014, whichever came first. I had to sign a release that I would not initiate contact or publish certain details here in the blog or in any other way before the date above, or unless some other events happen first. (So the names I am using are not the real names of my friends). All I can say now is that there was some real estate deed transfers I had to sign off on as trustee and some other things that needed my signature as 'guardian in abstemtia' permitting day to day administrative details to be handled by an appointee in Florida. Plus some updated medical/donor information to which I suddenly became privy that needed my signing off on.

There was also a long letter and a copy of Lisa's will, along with a DVD with a personal and private message for me that had been password protected with something only I would know. (And even after 18 years came right to my mind ay the very first attempt!)

Seeing Lisa in this video, which was made in 4 separate filmings over the past 18 years; as she was when we ended our love affair, as she was the last time I saw her, at her wedding 14 years ago, as she was when she began to get sick, and just last month when she knew the end was near, was a bittersweet feeling.

Anyway, I have to leave as my time is up,

I hope to be able to finish this tomorrow.

Later............Dave

"Chag Sameach Purim......................."

Good Afternoon;

Well, I'm back at the library, still no word on when/if I'll be getting the laptop back.

Saturday after I left here I hit the coffee shop and had dinner and read and watched the portable TV until close. Due to the wonderful MTA drivers and their attitude and blatant ignoring of the schedules to suit their own personal agendas, it took 2 hours to get to the Starbucks. I really expect to see a large scale, major accident soon, with the way the drivers ignore speed and traffic laws and road and weather conditions. Query....If a cell phone is classed as a "Driver Distraction", what the hell do you call a person hanging all over the driver? Male/female...female/male, it goes both directions, (and are mostly other drivers and also almost 100% Black), and when the driver misses a stop due to this, and the passenger complains...both the driver and the 'hanger on' get attitudes and mouth off rudely!

Anyway, after the coffee shop closed it was back to the shed and watching TV until 3:00 am. The selection of shows on the 'over the air' networks gets pretty slim after Midnight though....lol.

Sunday, I was up and out about 10:00 am. and over to the Giant for food then to the coffee shop about 12:30 pm. to eat and sit outside in the sunshine. Rachel, (dressed up as Queen Esther), and her mom stopped by about 4:00 pm. to bring me a mishloach manos bag for Purim, (it is a tradition to bring gifts of sweets and fruits to friends and family on this holiday), with popcorn, and candy bars, an apple and a can of soda, and we hung out for a while and took a short 'nature walk' along the Jones Falls while her mother ran into Whole Foods.

I left there at 5:00 pm. and headed over to Monkee's to get my meds for the rest of the month. The train and the bus, and the bus and the train all connected exactly as I was getting off one to get on the next, which HAD to have something to do with the "Super Moon", because it took less than 2 hours round trip, including walking and spending 15 minutes talking to Monkee, from Starbucks to Starbucks.

But of course 2 buses on the only route that runs through Mt. Washington on Sunday nights, (even the Light Rail is no longer running), never showed. So that meant an extra hour wait and no easy connections back to Pikesville. I ended up taking the Metro from Rogers Station, (where the driver parked the bus to get off and smoke and make cell phone calls, and then called the dispatcher with a story about 'Heavy Traffic'....HA!...and said his fare box was not working properly and that he wanted to come in and exchange buses, and that he would not be able to finish the next run before his lunch break.......yeah right....), to Old Court and waited 20 minutes for the #53 bus. Which pulled into the parking lot and sat on the far side for 12 minutes before pulling around to the loop.....WTF?

It was 11:00 pm. before I got to the gas station, 3 hours and 15 minutes after I left the coffee shop, and more than 2 hours and 10 minutes from what it usually takes.

I ended up going to sleep just past 2:00 am. and ended up being awoken by the thunderstorm about 4:00 am. After 'battening down the hatches' and assuring myself that my little corner was still staying dry, I lay there listening to the soporific symphony made up of the combined rhythms and melodies of the rain beating on the roof, and the drips and the thunder and the rush of the wind and the rattle and squeak of the shed, and just kind of spacing out in a kind of a peaceful trance until the rain ended somewhere around dawn. I fell back asleep and woke up at 10:30 am. but didn't get moving until about 11:30 am., having no real reason to get up today. After watching the Noon news I went over to the Giant and puttered there for an hour and talked to the regular security guard and had a laugh about the extra help in there yesterday. He told me they are there because of the Giant employees and truck drivers from the distribution warehouse in Jessup, who are handing out fliers to customers coming in the store. (The Dutch company which owns Giant is outsourcing it's Jessup dry goods distribution center to another company and the employees are both protesting the sale and worried about their jobs because the company which is the buyer of the operation has a reputation of promising that no workers will be laid off or positions terminated or eliminated......and as soon as the public interest in the sale/takeover has died down......doing exactly the opposite.) The extra security crew has the added duties of making sure the protesters follow the rules and regulations concerning trespassing and harassment.

Now I am about to go out and see which bus is due and head over to the coffee shop and finally eat breakfast. Jenn is giving me a ride back after her meeting tonight and is going to let me know about coming over for a shower Tuesday morning, and maybe also cooking something for lunch. Edward's allergies are acting up really bad right now, and he has a cold too, so my stopping by is predicated on what shape he is in later this evening.

Time is up again, (damn I hate typing that!....I want my freedom and mobility back!....."information wants to be free!!!!".....lol!)

Later........................Dave

"Hello Captain Conspicuous And Your Sidekick, Obvious Boy................"

Good Afternoon;

So to continue from yesterday when in had to sign off when the library closed.

After we finished the ceremony and went into town to place flowers and a small vial of ashes at Lisa's parents graves it was back on the Skyline Drive at Thornton's Gap and a leisurely cruise to Front Royal, then back to the madness of the Interstates 66 to 81 to 70 to 695 and back here to the library.

When I left here at 5:30 pm. I changed into shorts for the first time since last year and went over to the coffee shop and ate for the first time that day. I had been running on coffee and the last couple shots of a bottle of a privately bottled 'estate produced' black rum that was aged over 60 years by this time and was literally black as tar, but smooth as silk, that Lisa and I had bought a case of on a trip to Martinique in 1993, and unbeknownst to me, she had saved and put up a bottle of, "for just such an occasion", as she put it in a letter she left for me.

I ended sitting out back of the Starbucks in the light of the 99 & 44/100 % Full Moon, thinking, reflecting, meditating, and watching the varied forms of wildlife coming to visit the trash cans and patio area looking for dropped food. I caught the last #58 bus to the Subway at 11:10 pm., and the Subway to Old Court Station and the #53 bus to the shed, getting back about 12:30 am. I was so, so tired...but so, so keyed up I could not sleep, and when I did sleep it was only for an hour at a time, 3 times. My eyes feel like they are packed with sand and razor blades today, from the lack of sleep, the wind on the mountain in Virginia, and crying.

I went to the Giant this morning and there were 2 security guards snooping around through the store, giving me, and anyone else who did not look to be over 65 years old the once over. One I knew by sight, and the other was so obvious in his attempt to look like a slob that he stood out like a diamond in a goat's ass!.......lol! He and his buddy kept giving me the evil eye and every time I turned around one or the other was there.

Now.....I place my bags under a rack in the front of the store when I come in so there is no misunderstanding about shoplifting or stealing, and I am known to or by almost everyone in the store on a first name basis.....so it kind of annoyed the hell out of me. Welllllll, being the well adjusted human being that I am....LOL!...I decided to have some fun...for me anyway, so I kept slipping around corners of the aisles real fast and stopping or reversing direction.....grinning like a fool as one or the other rushed around the corner and ran or almost, ran into me.I picked up items and put them into my basket, going from one end of the store to the other...then put them back, then went back and did it all over again. When I got tired of this I went to the checkout and paid for my groceries. As I was rearranging them into the cloth shopping bag I carry, on the bench in the front of the store, my friend Carol, one of the cashiers comes and sits next to me and we chat and she tells me how the security people have been there in force for the past few days. I told her I knew that and pointed across the aisle at one of them who was trying to be inconspicuous...but not succeeding and we laughed as he abruptly looked up and hurried away. Cheap thrills......lol!

I am heading over to the coffee shop to eat my breakfast shortly, and hopefully may get a call from Erik that he was able to get the VAIO up and running. If I do, I'll be back on later today or tonight. If not, maybe tomorrow after 1:00 pm. when the library opens, IF, I am still in the area.

Later.............................Dave

"Ashes To Ashes................Dust To Dust................But Love Lives Forever..........."

Good Afternoon;

So I realize that I have not been producing much 'content' in recent days, and I apologize for that. Between really out of whack sleep patterns influenced by weather, the particular point in the cycle of clinical depression and outside factors both familiar and totally unexpected, all occurring and aligning at one time, I have not felt like writing, nor been able to take advantage of the times when I did feel like it.

I really got used to having the laptop and 24/7 access, (which also contributed to my sleep patterns being nudged out of their 'normal' (HA!) orbit), a lot quicker than I realized, and having it lock up the way it did in the middle of a couple of heavy duty conversations with people who I cannot contact any other way really sucked.

The familiar stressor of being out of money, albeit much earlier in the month, also sucks, and added to the ennui I have let take more control than usual. But, the really big thing that has overwhelmed me and occupied both my conscious and subconscious thoughts has been the death of and sudden influx of information and necessary activities surrounding and concerning my close friend and former lover Lisa.

We shared a bond and a connection that time and distance could not interrupt nor sever and when I was awakened one night last week with the overpowering need to call her...immediately!..I knew that something significant and consequential was imminent. As I began dialing the phone number to her and her husband Bill's business, ( a 1-800 toll free number ), my cell phone began to ring and it was him calling me. I spent over 2 hours standing outside on the payphone at the gas station that night, into the dawn, as we talked and they told me of the final diagnoses and prognoses she had received from the doctors that day......a fast growing and malignant, highly invasive Grade IV tumor of the Brainstem Glioma type.

F*CK..F*Ck...F*Ck...!!!!

From the first appearance of any symptoms to diagnoses to the beginning of rapid degeneration of motor skills and memory, and the neurospastic interruption on involuntary body functions took barely 2 weeks. With the onset of pain and the desire to leave a last image in peoples minds of dignity and not that of the typical wasted and diminished patient in her final stages, she was going about the emotionally depleting and physically exhausting task of saying goodbye and asking for the help, of those of us who would understand the meaning and significance, in fulfilling her last wishes and certain spiritually important rites after she was gone.

Anyway, this is the reason that posts have been short or missing for the past week and a half or so, or having a sense of gallows humor or black irony in some of the ones I did take time to write.

In light of what was going on and what I would be doing today, the fact that 2 of the people, Neil Rubin, and Lynn C., who have been true friends and in whom I have been able to confide, but who I have not seen in quite a while, happened to show up independently at the same time, at the Starbucks yesterday, when just their presence, even if they had no idea of what I was going through was enough to give me some strength of purpose of mind and spirit, and illustrates the principle of synchronicity that has permeated my life.

(yeah, that sentence IS a grammatical mess, but it gets the point across...lol)

So....Lisa passed away last Friday in a diving accident of the coast of Mexico, 2 days after I talked to her for the last time and we said our good-byes. Because her husband is Mexican and has very heavy connections, he was able to cut through ALL the red tape and bureaucracy and had her cremated as she wished and brought her ashes home Tuesday. Lisa had wanted this and to have her remains ceremonially both scattered to the Winds in a few places that were both memorable and meaningful to her in a personal and spiritual sense, and to be mixed with the Earth, and returned to Sea, if at all possible, at the same time, by friends and family. She is originally from Luray Virginia, and her parents and ancestors are buried there, and wished for the bulk of her ashes to be interred there. She and Bill, (Guillermo), had a fishing/diving lodge in Baja, Mexico, and a house in the Florida Keys. Her daughter Kate and her son-in-law Evan live in Seattle, and Lisa lived there for 20 years.

Bill was able by way of Next Day Air through FedEx, etc. to have Lisa's ashes delivered to all the U.S. locations and he took a portion back to Baja. I called in a major debt and had a friend pick me up at 1:30 am this morning and drive us to Luray, where at 10:17 am., in coordination with Bill in Baja, Kate in Seattle, and friends in the Keys, we all spoke the words she wished us to say, and returned her physical remains to Mother Earth.

I'm out of time here, I'll be back Saturday

Later.....................Dave

Good Evening;

I'm here at Jenn's for the night, a 3 hour monstersitting job morphing into an all-nighter. I was just attacked by her shower as the knob an d the 'innards' of the valve that switches the water from the spout that fills the tub to the showerhead, launched out of it's housing in the wall like a torpedo from the bow tubes of a huinter-killer submarine...right into my leg!.....owwie!!!!.......LOL!

Nothing really exciting to write about anyway.

See you tomorrow.

Later...............................Dave

"Back At The Library................"

Good Afternoon;

Well I see that the color/font issues are something to do with the laptop and not Google/Blogger...or so it seems.

I am back at the library again until Erik calls me to tell me my laptop is ready

........I miss my baby!!!!...........LOL!

Yesterday, (Monday), I was up and out at 7:00 am. for an 8:30 am. meeting, and then had to be at Monkee's by 12:30 pm. After that, across to the westside to a lawyer's office to sign some papers relating to a friend's will.

(more on all that when I am able to write about it without breaking down, but just so you are not left wondering, a dear friend, and former lover in Florida passed away this weekend)

I ended up at the Starbucks later that afternoon and Jenn gave me a ride back to the Giant after her meeting.

Today I had a 10:00 am. phone interview with the recruiter/screener for a medical research/testing program to which I applied last year and had not heard from and forgotten about, that took an hour, (on a payphone...no way I was using up all my minutes....lol), and which I am supposed to hear back from in 2 weeks to let me know if I have to come in for the next stage of qualifying, a physical. It could pay $4200.00 for a 3 week in-patient and 6 week out-patient study. Again, more on that if it pans out.

So, I'm here at the library, about to head to Giant to find something for lunch, and then over to the coffee shop to eat. I'm down to drinking the single serv tubes of instant coffee at this point, I do not even have enough cash for a cup of coffee. If it was not for the Foodstamps I'd be 'dumpster dining' again.

Tomorrow I am heading over to Jenn's to shower and then when Tom brings Ed home from school I'll be watching the kids while Jenn and Tom go out to get their taxes done. Hopefully I'll be able to toss some clothes in with Jenn's wash load tomorrow, I'm down to the last clean pair of socks and underwear and no money for the laundromat.

Between spending money on Rachel and having to buy extra minutes for my phone, and some postage expenses for a couple priority overnight mailings I had to send to Florida, I ran out of money real early this month.

Between last weeks rain keeping me in and screwing up my sleep pattern, the time change to Daylight Savings Time, and the emotional insomnia brought on by Lisa's death....I am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted.

And Time is up.....

Later................Dave

"Land Of The Lost Laptops......................"

Good Afternoon;

Well...it's been a strange few days, to say the least.

From Wednesday night until Saturday morning I did not leave the shed except to go to the Giant for food and the bathroom or the gas station for the bathroom. Thursdays deluge is the obvious reason for that days hibernation, even the coffee shop and the other businesses were closed and evacuated from Mt. Washington.

Thursday night I was up all night until 6:00 am. on the laptop or reading, or trying to sleep and not being able to, or redirecting leaks in the shed roof to areas other than my nose.

Which makes Friday's sleep in understandable, I was up at 1:00 pm. and fell back asleep until 5:00 pm., and by that time it was too late to go anywhere even if I had the money, which I don't. This had been the first time I have eaten meals in the shed, sitting crosslegged on the blanket, and hopefully the last. I am too old, fat, and creaky to sit that way for more than a few minutes before the nerve/circulation issues begin, with numbness, etc.

I spent Friday evening on the computer, in a very intense and emotional conversation with a woman I met at the Spoken Word poety Reading 2 weeks ago. This was a continuation of the conversation from Thursday night. And I also played on Facebook in the lulls....lol.

Right up until I shutdown and ran over to the bathroom at the gas station at 11:00 pm....... and when I got back and tried to turn the laptop back on....it would not.

It's some sort of software glitch, and I dropped it off to Erik of PikesvillePC on Sunday and he looked at for a while and could not see a quick fix. So...he is going to do a more thourough job of diagnosing and then what ever he needs to do over the next couple of days when he has the time. I am going to be laptop-less until Tuesday or Wednesday at the earliest :-(.

Anyway. Time is up here at the Library

Later.......Dave

Heavy Rain And Flood Warnings Across Maryland; O’Malley Declares State Of Emergency « CBS Baltimore " Flood Evacuations....From A Place Called Mt.?"

Good Evening;

So for all you non-local residents reading the blog who see me write of Mt. Washington almost every day, here is a link showing what a great example of an oxymoronic place naming it is;

Heavy Rain And Flood Warnings Across Maryland; O’Malley Declares State Of Emergency « CBS Baltimore

Later..............Dave

"Running Between The Rain Drops......................"

Good Evening....again;

Looks like I missed my 'window of oppurtunity', it's doing a fine imitation of Seattle right here in Baltimore. No wonder so many people decide to check out early up there. It's either that or learn to love being covered in mold and fungi I guess.

Well a thunderstorm has just arrived and a cold front with winds, I'm unplugging the laptop until all the extra-curricular electrical activity is over and done with.

And I'm going to get ready to dash out to the store as soon as there is any sign of a let-up in the rain at all. DAMN that wind sounds fierce, I hope it's just the passing front!

WAIT......IS THAT A LULL IN THE WIND AND RAIN......SEE YA!

Later.......................Dave

"How Long Can You Tread Water.........?????........."

Good Evening

Finally! The rain has stopped enough so that I can get out to get my coffee, (I forgot my wallet when I ran over to use the bathroom at the Giant this morning!). Jenn sent me a text a little while ago telling me Mt. Washington was closed off due to flooding, which I kind of figured it would be, and it's too late and too wet to head over there in any case.

I'm about to head over now and get some food too, all I had with me was a couple slices of rye bread and some potato chip pieces. I thought of using the packs of mayo I have and making a sandwich out of it all, but decided against it. Oh, not because it's too weird or anything like that, I am no stranger to using potato chips as snack food, garnish, topping, or one of the main ingredients in a meal....I just didn't want to sleep in crumbs tonite.....lol.

Some idiot tried to give me a load of grief in a chat conversation that turned into an argument, that degraded into a flaming session, about my earlier post relating to how I not going out into the rain for no good reason. He had started in with the insults and nasty comments about just laying around doing nothing......and when I asked him what he was doing home sitting on the computer all day instead of being out in the rain....."suddenly there was silence", and his icon disappeared.....lol.

How many times have you made the choice not to go out into the storm? I often don't have the luxury of having an option. I am really grateful that I have this laptop, it's a sanity saver....and seriously helps to fight off the overbearing sense of isolation that so can easily overwhelm.

Anyway....off to find some food, as soon as I put on my hip waders to get out of the shed.

No, it's not really THAT bad, the puddles inside never got more than an inch deep, where the concrete floor was uneven or the cardboard was bowed up and it did not absorb it all. Now I just hope that the people working on the minivan that would not start in the parking lot right beside me would finish up! Get it running, give it up, or call a tow truck......I'm hungry!.....lol.

OH CRAP....it's raining harder again!

Later..................Dave

Exclusive: Homeless rejection in NYC ..... "Is This Why It's Called--'The City That Never Sleeps'..?........"

Good Afternoon;

Exclusive: Homeless rejection in NYC

This should link to a TV news story video,

if not try the title to the post.

Later.........................Dave