Good Afternoon;
Hi, I just want to say thank you to all the loyal readers who have been following, and those who stop by on a semi-regular basis. After 2 years and 4 months and 862 posts of near daily writing I am at a point where I need to take a short break.
The depression that I am always battling has started to get the upper hand and I am not only losing faith, hope and confidence....I am losing my sense of humor. As twisted as it is at times and totally alien to a whole lot of people, (many of whom should not be reading this blog if they don't 'get' some of the sarcasm and satirical references), it has always been a life saver to me.
I think I need to find a way to rejuvenate my soul while attempting to heal my body. Right now everything hurts and I am always exhausted, and as a result I am spending 10, 12, 15 hours curled up in the sleeping bag in a fetal position, neither fully asleep, nor fully awake. The voices in my head, echoes of both the past and the present are beginning to wear me down with the constant intimations, innuendos and downright blatant accusations and declarations of uselessness, and worthlessness.
The facade of functionality is wearing thin and in places peeling and chipping away, leaving raw and quivering patches of naked nerve, susceptible to the teeth and claws of both internal and external demons. The desire to give up and give in is constantly beating and battering against the barricades of my resistance, and more and more the best form of defence is to permanently deny them victory by emulating the inhabitants of Masada..........which, consciously at any rate, at this time I do not wish to do...yet; but some days the screaming is so loud, and the pain is so bad...... When the only constant in life seems to be 'everybody leaves',......'why not me' begins to sound logical.
Yeah, well......I am going to be posting less often to try and deal with this crap, and also to avoid all the unsolicited 'suggestions', from people who want to "fix" me, or who are totally clueless as to the issues and priorities of both the homeless and those of us attempting to deal with physical and mental illness while homeless.
I am letting bitterness, anger, and frustration overwhelm my words and my basic personality....and I do not like the results. I am looking to regain the sense of gratitude that normally pervades my life, and not the material kind that infects and pollutes. So a bit of distance is in order.
I just got an e-mail from Erik of Pikesville PC that I may be getting my laptop back very soon, and that will be a good thing. I noticed when I had the laptops for that short period that the freedom and mobility was an encouraging factor.
Anyway....Thanks again and I'll be back?? maybe tomorrow, maybe not. Even though I will probably still write everyday, what gets published may not be all that often.
Later.....................Dave
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