Good Afternoon;
Have you ever heard the expression/song lyric from ' 3 Dog Night' that I used in the title, How about the ' Hank Williams ' song " I'm So Lonesome I Could Die "? Well let me tell you, in the middle of a crowded coffee shop, or on a busy street corner at rush hour, or in a stadium surrounded by tens of thousands of people, that is how I and many, many other homeless folks feel all the time. Isolated, alone, ignored, invisible, singled out, or ostracized, whether real or imagined, these feelings and emotions ( which are often exacerbated by our mental and emotional disabilities or difficulties ) can be at times paralyzing, in effect bringing to a halt just about all but autonomic functioning; at other times energizing all the negative behaviors, that if left unaddressed immediately, can restart the downward spiral into the abyss of addiction and self-destruction. Being aware of one's emotional temperature is a first step to prevention, and I am introspective enough (sometimes TOO much so) to usually be able to cushion if not avoid the impact of life kicking me in the face again.....but sometimes the loneliness creeps up and explodes without warning splattering all the good intentions and advances to the winds. Coming to the end of a relationship, with no hope left, yet being unable to sever all contacts is torture. Sometimes being able to vent to friends helps...sometimes to professionals and even to strangers who are totally unaware but sympathetic all the same is better.
A friend saw through me this morning and coaxed the details past my facade of capability and competence this morning. She stood me up wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly, holding on when I began to disengage, while this was a great comfort to me, the compassion and caring, in effect, strengthened the feelings of loss and emptiness when she left....(and add to the already complicated and confused mess the fact that this is a woman to whom I am immensely attracted in every possible way, and who is happily and joyfully married..which I am perfectly OKAY with and pleased for her/them!!), this just illustrates the pressures that are added to the homelessness that
oops gotta go.................Dave
Cont'd.........OKAY I'm back,
I/we have to deal with on top of physical and mental and emotional problems that got us here and or keep us here. The "normal" (HA!) issues of relationships, parenting, and the economy to name a few take on different perspectives and priorities when you don't know where you are going to sleep that night or where your next meal is coming from. I have probably not only mixed my metaphors in the last sentences, but my public and personal 'voices' also...if it is a bit confusing...I apologize....Just try to imagine the clamor inside my head when everyone starts yelling at one time trying to be heard!!! LOL
But in all seriousness, if it was not for my daughter, Rachel, I am about ready to give it all up. This overwhelming lonesome and lonely feeling of loss is coloring everything with a black cloud, and this is not even figuring the clinical depression that is about to start it's cyclical dive anytime now...(Oh Yeah..that is a periodic, trackable cycle...treatable if not preventable with today's medical technology and pharmacology...BUT...among other things..... NOT being addressed)( .....this is one of the biggies..).........ding..ding...Front!!!..it's checkout out time at the 'Hard Luck Hilton' and check in time at the 'Hereafter Holiday Inn', leave all baggage at the Pearly Gate please....it's either that or a one way trip on the Purgatory Express.....'Go Straight To Hell, Do Not Pass Heaven, Do Not Collect $200.00'.
Next time you see some poor soul mumbling to him(my)self, please remember he may have no one left to talk to, he may not be crazy...just "LONELY UNTO DEATH", keeping with my music lyric/title theme...if Richard Corey went home and "put a bullet through his head"... how do think some poor, confused, misguided fuck like me feels? In a major way i am much luckier than a lot of folks out on the streets (in this particular matter), I've got Rachel, and I'm still sane enough not to ever want her to feel the kind of loss and pain a voluntary exit would cause. Of course there are those out there for whom mental illness itself is a buffer against the pain others of us feel, or are capable of feeling when not "self-medicating" in some cases....(for myself...I choose the pain)...'just for today '...as it is said in the rooms, I pray that I can keep that choice over my tried and true alternative, but I won't look too far ahead....'just for today'......I'll choose life.....lonely as I am........bye.. Dave
( addendum)
I had to end that train of thought there or it would have been de-railed, and we already know what a train wreck my life is. I do want to be somewhat less frivolous about something though, when I mentioned above being hugged, I don't know if I conveyed the mixture of joy and pain and need that went rushing through and across my frayed and tattered brain and nerves. For me, being an extremely tactile person; touch... particularly a woman's;.....physical contact and emotional connections both, are as needed as oxygen, I can literally feel myself dying by inches when I am placed in situations where, I am unable to receive them. All of of my caregivers, doctors, therapists, massage therapists (LEGITIMATE!!!), and confidants and best friends, are or have been women, (we can go into my "mothering" needs and complexes at a later date), and being an unrepentant chauvinist in some respects, I love most (hey I'm being honest here..right?) women..just because they ARE women. This is why loneliness is tearing me up right now, I have absolutely no female physical contact in my life, other than my daughter, and obviously that is NOT what I am talking about. For those I have to be more explicit to it also is not about sex, I have been celibate at times for years, by choice and default both, the longest period being 9 1/2 years, and it has nothing to do with material resources either, when I have been at my lowest I have been at my most rewarding in regards to people. I don't know why I am going into all this, I guess because I can, and if some who read this understand a little better my motivations for certain comments and deeds, they will feel...if not exactly relieved or less threatened...but maybe more relaxed...YOU know who you are..and you know I am harmless..like a kitty....MEOW....LOL
Any way.....I just want someone to hold me...........DAVE
No comments:
Post a Comment