"Build Me Up,.Buttercup............Just To Let Me Down!!!..............."

Good Evening;

Have you ever taken a while to psych yourself up to do some thing, whether it's, jump off the high dive, ask out that secret crush, or........make a phone call to an old friend you have not seen in decades, who became a huge success in his chosen field, and who must have seen an article about you in a magazine and left you his work and cell phone numbers a few days ago and you worried and stressed over the discrepancy in your lives and stations in life, and finally got up the nerve to make the call WITHOUT!! any 'Dutch Courage' or chemical stimulus, other than the output of your overworked adrenal glands....(breathe.....)...AND.........the pool is closed due to lightning as soon as you climb the ladder, or your best friend asked him/her out when you stopped to check your breath and look in the mirror.....OR, you get the voicemail on BOTH numbers!!!!!....and then your stomach cramps up from the deflation of your confidence and the overdose of endorphines???

Anybody got any TUMS????............LOL!....(NOT)

BTW...if anyone wants to purchase the book, or send me anything for any other reason...(you know who you are....thanks), please use a Post Office Money Order, I could not get the one cashed that came form the largest bank in California.....idiot lazy store owners!

bye,.....Dave

" It's My Time Of The Month....................."

Good Afternoon;

So this morning, with the grand-monsters at their maternal grandmother's, I got the opportunity to sleep in, the opportunity yes, the ability.....no....lol! I did enjoy the peace and quiet of what appears to be my second to last night at Jenn and Tom's apartment. If things work out as planned, and the weather gods..(demons??)..don't start "gettin' jiggy wit' it" again, I'll be gone Tuesday morning, by coincidence..?..after one full month. Well, as anyone who knows me well enough knows, I believe more in synchronicity and serendipity than coincidence.

The twin blizzards; the offer of Unconditional!! and temporary [though open ended] shelter from the storm; BOTH the Jewish Times and Batimore Magazine publishing and releasing issues in the same week; the contact with, and deluge of family information from, and the instant connection and feeling of comfort with,..a previously unknown cousin; the actuality of having the ability and desire to 'pay my freight' at Jenn's by childcare, cooking and consumables; having a one time infusion of cash that allowed me to take my daughters and grandchildren out like an average person does, and being able to live for a month, not live it up & not subsist, but just live; and purchase my meds in amounts that enabled me to just forget about them, not 'forget them', but to have sufficient quantities, that..(but for the timing of one of the snowstorms)..I did not think about them except when it was time to take them), and finally, for the first time in decades....actually acknowledge and enjoy my birthday.

It has been a very good month, and yes there have been stressors, through which I have had this forum to release the overpressure, as you know..tiny spaces and LARGE personalities...mix like alcohol and gasoline.....VERY Explosive!!!...LOL!

And although I have not mentioned it recently....the "$12,000.00--or--Go To Jail" Sword of Damocles that has been hanging over my head since Autumn has started it's downward swing. Sometime in March, I think it is the 23rd?, I have to go to Circuit Court, with more cash than I have seen in 10 years for the Child Support (arrears) Trial.

{And for all the new readers, this is an old case, my daughter turned 18 over 9 years ago, and YES I ADMIT I SCREWED UP. Most of this figure is interest and penalties, and somebody f*cked up bigtime somewhere years ago, because now there is no record of the thousands of dollars I had taken out of my paychecks!

"Curiouser and curiouser" said Alice.

Oh well, it's still February for another 8 hours....lol!

Tomorrow I have a 'coffee date' with my friend Michelle, one of my daughter's namesakes, (OED usage, for the nitpickers....LOL), and the dedicatee of some of the poetry in my book, (Hey!, if you want to find out which ones....BUY IT....LOL!!!...actually there are 5, but only 2 are noted, if you want to know which others, send me a note with your U.S. Postal Money Order...or cash, cash is always good!.......LMAO!!!!).

Speaking of books, I have been told many times that I ought to write a book about my life, well I don't think it's time yet. In all seriousness, I would want it to be a success story, not an object lesson in what NOT to do.

Now.....A reality show...that's an idea, hell my life, boring as it can be to me, is still more interesting than half the crap out on cable right now!!!

I'm outta time...gotta go.........later.......Dave

"Too Tired To Type..........................."

Good Afternoon;

Bright, blinding sunshine and temps. in the mid 40s, feels like summer time outside, and feels like nap time inside. This is one of those days when I just can't keep my eyes open, so this will be a short entry.

I went back to Jenn's, and the "Mmmmmmmmmmmmm..............Meatloaf", and found cornbread and cake too. They put some minutes on my phone as b-day present also. On the way there I stopped by to see Rachel and get my Birthday hug, and give her a photo of her great grandfather that my cousin has sent me, and found a Money Order in the mailbox from a purchaser of my little book of poetry. That I cannot seem to cash at any of the check cashing places I have tried.

According to the Google search I just ran, the only places that will cash M.O.s that thye did not sell, are a few locations deep in the 'hood' (s). Something seems fishy here, just like the scandal about those 'Payday loans', and the lack of full service banks, and full service grocery stores in the inner city...maybe it's not a conspiracy, but only collusion...??? Let's ask the Governor of South Carolina for his take on it......LOL!

My son-in-law said he'd run it through his bank account for me, but that won't be until Monday...I'm not totally broke yet, but it would have been nice to have this weekend.

Thanks to 'anonymous' for the kind comments and birthday wishes last night.

I'll be back Monday........Dave

"Happy Birthday To Me........"

Good Evening;

WOW!! I made it through another year, man the bookies are pissed at me! A long time ago all the 'smart money' was against me ever making it to, much less past age 36! Now I'm halfway again around the track....lol! There was actually this 'Death Pool' a group of us had going back then...not only did the other surviving members have to pay off, they had to spring for the 'Living Wake'....(and it is a miracle and a tribute to medical science that any of us ever actually lived through that weekend....LOL!)

I had a text message from my best and oldest friend AnnaMarie around 8:00 am., because she wanted to be the first one to cogratulate me..

(we used to have a tradition of the 'one second after midnight call', but her three girls pretty much took that over years ago, when the phone was always busy with some boy....lol)..

At 08:38:24 am. my wondeful Rachel surprised me with a phone call!! I owe the 'ex' big time for that, it made my day!..(especially when her birthday was yesterday and I forgot to wish her happy birthday until today...and I was on the phone with her in the morning....but ib my defence I had talked to her at work and I was trying to make the call as short as possible so she would not get any hassles....and the evening phone call was only Rachel....lol). Tom came out of the bedroom stumbling and groping for the coffee pot and mumbled "Happy Birthday, and did I see the 2 bottles of Powerade Zero in the 'fridge that they had picked up for me as a little birthday gift".....he is NOT a 'morning person'....lol!

Then Jenn told me she was making her 'famous, incredibly awesome killer bacon wrapped meatloaf', instead of a cake for me...but I had to share at least some of it with Tom....lol. Then I got here...and between Facebook, my e-mail, and the comments on the blog...wow, I was blown away! Thank you Janet P., and Neil, and Anne, and Michelle..(Mlle), and my cousin Barbara, and a couple of anonymous/ name withhelds, and Sal, and Inette and 'Iokepa, and Janet G., and Kevin, and Evan and Paul and Phil, and those who I've missed......WOW Birthday greetings and kudos on the JT story, and one on the Baltimore Mag story....

Last year I was alone, lonesome, lonely and broke and had to call Rachel myself, and it was just one in a string of depressing birthdays going back decades.

Even when I was doing reasonably well, it was just another day to be gotten through, 'by any means neccessary'...this year is different, I 'feel the love' (to use an obnoxious phrase I thought I'd never bring myself to say...lol), and compassion of old friends and new, and of strangers also. I feel more able to cope, to start to deal with some of the crap....empowered, I guess you call it. Who knows how long or strong the feelings will last and grow...but it's a start....Thanks to all of you who read this little

"EXERCISE IN EXORCISM"!

and the count is 2 visitors away from 4500 as I write this!

I'm out of time..............later Dave

"I'm The Last Scion.................................Of A Movie House Mogul..................."

Good Evening;

Not a whole lot to mention since yesterday afternoon. I did not make it down to Annapolis, although I woke up at 4:55 am., I felt like 2 bags of dead mice, and lay back down until 8:00am. when both the kids and Tom began banging around. This feeling of having the symptoms of a hangover....when I have NOT been drinking sucks. Between this low grade whatever and the hot, dry, forced air heat at Jenn's, (I neglected to turn on the humidifier after the kids fell asleep on top of everything else), I feel like SpongeBob Squarepants stranded on the beach. I survived another day of Edward. The weather is so chaotic that the forecast changes from minute to minute, snow..no snow, 1 inch to 3 inches, 4 inches to 7 inches, unless you live on the even numbered side of a west facing street on the south side of town, on a Friday in a leap year in a month with an 'R' in it.....AARRRRRGGHHH!!!

I got an e-mail from my best friend in junior high/senior high, and for a few years after. For about 5 years we were pretty much always to be found together all weekend....the party didn't start until we arrived....in own cars of course, (once he and a whole bunch of our crowd learned to drive in my..[mother's at the time....lol]..1969 Chevelle)! I have to try to reach him by phone tomorrow.

Here is how close we were, I asked the girl he eventually married out on a date, only to be told that he had already asked her out, I was at his wedding, he was at mine to my first wife as my best man..Jenn's mom..and because we were the owners of slightly twisted senses of humor....and he was a Md. State Trooper at the time.....he brought me to the County Courthouse, into the chambers we were to wed in...with him in uniform, and me in handcuffs!!!.....of course this went over rreeeaaalllll well with my soon to be in-laws...LOL!!!!

There was a letter-to-the-editor in the JT:

This is an excerpt from it;

It is also sad to note that many professionals and lay people tire of reaching out to help when someone in need says “No” once too often. I discovered the value of respect and patience in providing new opportunities and am thankful that so many individuals have taken their recovery seriously. It is encouraging that some individuals are choosing life and hope when given the opportunity.
Dr. Howard Eisenberg, Baltimore

The portion in bold illustrates another point along side the one the Doctor is making; one that a lot of the people I have known and/or spoken with, both homeless and in shelters or recovery houses, those both in and out of recovery, and while in incarceration also.....it is similar to the attitude I mentioned when I wrote about why I tend not to go to 'Charitable Holiday Meals'. Some, again not all, of those who are in the business of assisting the homeless, have the attitude that we should not have opinions or desires, nor the ability to decide whether or not we want to accept one offer over another, or try to choose a better or more comfortable living situation. It is a case of "take what is offered or leave....now!". Many will not work with the individual to seek out pleasanter surroundings, their attitude being, "you are homeless, you should be on your knees for the opportunity to let me place you in whatever is available, regardless of where it is, or whether or not you have any ties to that community or neighborhood, or whether you'll stick out like a polar bear in coal mine".

I also want to touch on the situation of taking or not taking a job, sometimes there is an attitude that one can never say no. If you do, no matter what the reason, you are in the wrong. Well, what if you can't do the work anymore? I busted my ass off for less than $7.00 an hour,[and they deducted money for transportation and supplies], for less than 6 hours a day, because that is all the employer would authorize, when I was working through LaborReady, (and they were getting $11.00 to 15.00 an hour). That was all that would hire me, and I must have been doing something right because on the 2 long term jobs I ended working on, after the first 3 times I was sent to the sites, the contractor asked that I be assigned to him personally, and no other temp be sent out unless I was unavailable or a second body was needed. {You can see how the jobs turned out if you go to the Susquehanna Bank in Reisterstown, or the Royal Farms gas station and megamart in Owings Mills at Red Run Blvd.....LOL} After I ended up hurting my back for the final time, I realized I couldn't do the labor anymore, and then the economy tanked and the other available clients stopped using them, and I realized it was not worth the time, effort, and pain. Never knowing when I would be able to shower added to the decision also. When I went out to panhandle for the first time, and made more money than I took home in a week working for LaborReady....in 2 three hour blocks over 2 days, I said screw this, to the temp work. Can you blame me?

So, sometimes for some folks, it has nothing to do with laziness that they don't "work" in the traditional sense of an hourly wage job..it is merely good economics. How can some one making minimum wage, (starting on the street, with nothing), both find a room, eat, etc., AND put together enough for the usual first monthrent, last month rent, and security deposit needed to get a place. Subsidized housing is available...with a waiting list to get on the waiting list. And the time and travel time, and waiting room time needed to get assistance at some agencies make it impossible for some folks to keep the job they have. And some times the agency involved will not be flexible enough to meet with the person when the person can get off, not to mention the sometimes unneccessary and/or unrelated 'hoops' the person is required to jump through, before they will address an immediate urgent time sensitive problem..(which, in one such situation although I was not directly affected by these power game control antics....my youngest daughter was made technically homeless...though between relatives and friends she never was without shelter in a private home).

I admit that I have made certain choices regarding what I consider unacceptable places to stay, and my independence and 'freedom' of choice and access. I also have reached a point where I may be ready to re-evaluate my decisions. In the past 15 months of writing this blog I have changed, and think I am more willing to consider taking steps that were unacceptable to me earlier..(yeah, yeah, I know I built myself some wiggle room in that statement...but, hey,...babysteps....right?.....lol).

I'm done here tonight, but first I want to welcome 3 new Followers;

susi w......Elana Snyder.....&.....Baby Shrimp (great name, and I wish I could enlarge the picture without it getting all fuzzy)

and plug a really cool book;

"Motion Picture Exhibition In Baltimore"

by

Robert K. Headley

Fascinating history of the business, a listing of ALL the theatres in the area, from the late 1890's to the present, some great old and new photos....

AND

a whole boatload of history and information I never knew about my grandfather and his brother and their families, seems we were really big wheels in the movie house business, with not one, but 3 "Cluster" theatres in the city, 2 on Baltimore St., and 1 on Broadway....who knew? (well I knew about the one on Broadway, it was still there when I was a kid...lol), and a 'circuit' of other theatres and affiliated houses, and he formed a projectionists union, and taught the trade, and served on the certifying board...even had a small scandal about that, early last century...lol.

Well I gotta go, Jenn and Tom asked me to babysit tonight so they can both go to the store later

...................Dave

"Another One Rides The Bus...........Actually, The Train............."

Good Morning;

So, last nights trip to Monkee's and back took over 4 hours in travel time....FOR WHAT IS NORMALLY A 90 MINUTE ROUND TRIP!!!

Loooooove that MTA!.....which stands for:

" May Take Awhile "

........dontcha know!

I had an experience on the Metro Subway that was disturbing, annoying and funny all in the same instant.

An older black woman, an obvious crack head; probably semi-homeless, possibly dual diagnosed, definitely in need of a crash course in personal hygiene, was walking up and down the subway car begging, saying "Help Mama get a cup of coffee????......". She kept approaching the same people again and again, and when the train would stop at a station she would get off and intend to go into another car and hit up a new crowd, but she was so far out of it that she would only make it to one of the other doors on the same car..( there are 3 sets per car)..and hit us up all over again....lol.

She sat on the seat perpendicular to me where I had my bag, almost crushing it and it's contents in the process, and imbuing it with and odor that lingered, (and lingered, and lingered, until I got back to Jenn's house where I was able to wash it off and spray it with Lysol), it was so bad from just that short contact that after she left the and people across the aisle and I moved away from the seat she was on to escape the funk, I placed it inside a trash bag to contain the biological contamination.

She made the mistake of counting her money in front of me, and I saw that she had $9.60 in bills and coin....'Coffee'?!?!...yeah riiiighttttttttt. Must be a 'dime bag' of 'whole bean'....lol! From the burn marks on her fingers and hands, and her lips too, I'm guessing it must be some extremely hot coffee!!!..."Craxwell House"....LOL!

As they say, you can't con an old con artist.

I usually give most anybody some change, (if and when I have it), except the obvious liars, aggressive panhandlers, and a certain type of addict...and she fit all three of the flagged categories.

I felt a little bit of guilt at first, until I saw her fumble in her pocket and drop her stash...

The people in the seat across from me (who also happened to be black and lower income folks), shook their heads and the guy said, "I been there before but, never done that sh*t", and his girl agreed. I said that "I'm there now and I've got my limits too." and pulled out the JT and flashed him the cover. About a minute later he did a double take and said let me see that again, I showed it to them and also the Baltimore Magazine and they leafed through it, and said the usual.."you look too clean...yadda..yadda..yadda......." and the guy who was just a little tipsy starts saying over and over "He gots his own magazine!!", varying the accent on a different syllable each time....lol! His girl kept laughingly shushing him and the train car cracked up as they got off, with the guy still repeating it....lol.

I got back to Jenn's after midnight, and guess what I did..again..right after I hit the bathroom, and before I could make something to eat? Well yes, I did make up the couch to be only moderately uncomfortable and painful, and yes, I did make the kid's morning milk sippy cups up, (so I would be able to immediately shove something in their mouths to shut them up as soon as they started making noise, and give me a window of opportunity in which get a DVD started and use it like the 'snooze button' on your alarm clock...lol), and yes I let the stinky dog out to pee so she would calm down and shut up as much as possible, and yes I did expend a quarter of a can of air freshener on and around her crate....but all this stuff is merely self preservation...lol. Yeah, I played dish-monkey again, (that is an old restaurant term, no negative connotations, ethnic, racial, or otherwise), emptying and reloading the dishwaher, and scrubbing the pots and pans and sink...luckily I find a kind of Zen relaxation in doing the dishes, just kind of reaching a state of meditative neutrality.....lol...(or I'd be riven between annoyance and disgust).

Well, I'm out of time again, and I have to go to the store before I head back to Jenn's to ride herd on the grand-monsters this afternoon and tonight.

I may be back tomorrow, depending on what this storm system does and whether I go to Annapolis or not....

later...........Dave

"Brain Salad Surgery"

Good Evening;

The announcement below was forwarded to me by Neil.

Depending on the weather, the buses, and how I feel...I may try to catch the Number 14 bus to Annapolis and observe the goings on.

If I still feel as crappy as I do today though...who knows?

I really have to get a pair of boots first thing on Tuesday the 2nd if I get my little bit of cash, (or this weekend if I get any birthday presents worth selling...LOL!)

Homeless Persons' Lobby Day in Annapolis
Date: Thursday, February 25th, 2010

Time: 9:45 a.m.

Homeless Persons and their Advocates Rally for Health Care and a Strong Safety Net:

ANNAPOLIS: On Thursday, February 25, more than 400 health care providers, students, people experiencing homelessness, and advocates for the poor will gather at 9:45 a.m. in Lawyers Mall to urge lawmakers to strengthen health care and safety net programs. The rally brings together Health Care for the Homeless and the Maryland chapter of the National Association of Social Workers along with other organizations and individuals committed to reducing homelessness in Maryland.

Participants will advocate for dedicated resources for continued Medicaid expansion and for a strengthened safety net to assist those in urgent need. Speakers include legislators, activists, faith leaders, college students, and people experiencing homelessness. Throughout the day, participants will meet with elected officials to advance balanced and sensible solutions to the economic and health crises faced by a growing number of Marylanders.

“During difficult economic times, more people seek services from an already overburdened safety net,” said Jeff Singer, President & CEO of Health Care for the Homeless. “While we work for universal access to health care, permanent affordable housing, and incomes high enough to prevent homelessness, we also must protect and strengthen safety net programs that support vulnerable Marylanders.”

Health Care for the Homeless (HCH) provides health-related services, education, and advocacy to reduce the incidence and burdens of homelessness. Last year, HCH delivered medical care, mental health services, social work and case management, addiction treatment, dental care, outreach, prison reentry services, housing, and access to employment for more than 10,000 Marylanders at clinic sites in Baltimore City, Frederick, and Montgomery, Harford, and Baltimore Counties. Most HCH clients have incomes below federal poverty guidelines, and 75% are uninsured.

Members of the press are welcome to ride with us by bus from Baltimore to Annapolis. For more information on Homeless Persons’ Lobby Day in Annapolis, please contact Adam Schneider at Health Care for the Homeless at 443/703-1398.

Kevin Lindamood, Vice President, External Affairs
Health Care for the Homeless, Inc.
421 Fallsway
Baltimore, MD 21202
443-703-1303
klindamood@hchmd.org

Today, and (last night) was a "pick up behind" domestic day at Jenn's. When I woke up around midnight and heard the water running, and running in the kitchen, I thought the dished in the sink were being done....there I go thinking again...lol! I couldn't sleep so in between trips to the bathroom and bouts of dizzyness I emptied the dishwasher, reloaded it, and washed the overflow and all the pots and pans. I finally got back to sleep about 5:45 a.m., and was woken up 20 minutes later as Tom blundered through the apartment getting ready to leave, cursing at the dog and cats as he fed them, awakening the baby as he adjusted the blanket that needed no adjusting, etc. I threw a DVD of 'The Brave Little Toaster' in the player and got Devin to quiet down, and she fell back asleep, which is unusual. (She was running a fever later, which is where I probably got ..whatever it is I am getting...Ed is beginning to hack and snorkle also, and Jenn is dealing with sinus crap and dizziness too.....lovely, last time I was in this situation, I ended up with 3 tubes in my chest and some lovely petit point embroidery holding my lungs in...LOL!) The laundry room had just been unlocked so I started the first of the 4 loads of laundry I would end up doing, (1 for me - 3 for Jenn), then got the kids milk in their sippy cups ready. nobody felt much like breakfast..(not a good sign!!!).. but after I made them lunch a little later, Ed and I walked over to the Giant at the Plaza, and spent most of my last few bucks on some neccessities..(and a box of No Sugar Fudgesicles), and made a detour through the mall so he could ride the Space Shuttle coin ride, (I forgot about his terminal carsickness...but so did he this time..thank goodness..lol),. When we got back to the house I ended up cooking up the chops I had picked up, for Jenn and Tom and I for dinner later, then showered and came up here. I was going to stop at the Starbucks but ended up in conversation with my old kindergarten through high school classmate Steve Liebowitz, who authored the book about the Steel Pier that I have mentioned before...(I know they have it at Barnes and Noble, look for it, it is awesome), and now I am about to go meet Monkee after she gets off work. I am almost out meds, and with this schizoid weather system that is approaching, who knows if we are going to be hit again or not by "The Cold White Sh*t"!.

I'll probably be back tomorrow, I want to come see Rachel if I can, she is supposed to be tken to the nail salon by the ex'es boyfriend's mother who is in from Chicago to see him after his bypass surgery, which seems to have worked out well, he is recovering on track.

It seems as if I'm gonna be at Jenn's at least a few more days, between health, weather, and the request that I babysit tomorrow night so the can go to an anniversary meeting. I'm torn 2 ways, the concept of "INDOORS" is pleasing, the particular location of said indoors is a bottle of Nitro-Glycerin, balanced on a box of sweating Dynamite on a leaking keg of gunpowder in a room with a gas leak.....which is being searched for by the Three Stooges.......WITH A MATCH!!!

I got really off tangent from where I was going to go with this today, so much so that I can't remember what I was so hyped up to write about...LOL, maybe the memory block will be off tomorrow...damn those aliens and their invasive surgery...I better start sporting the aluminum foil headwear again, just to be safe...you never know when they'll activate that chip!

Later...................Dave

"I Oughta Be In Pictures.........."

Good Afternoon;

Although it looks like evening out there right now, it seems to have gotten very dark and gray, I think the rain has begun in earnest.

I had a hard time sleeping again last night, between the phyiscal and the emotional discomfort, I think it's time to go. I think the rain will clear enough of the snow away for me to make an assessment of the shed tomorrow, if it not soaked through, I'm heading back.

The physical relates to my back, my eyes and sinuses, (from the extremely hot & dry forced air heat), and the fact that we live at different hygenic levels, and I can't take much more of the effin' dog stench, and hair and dander, and the fact that I changed the cat box this morning because the ammonia odor was actually painful. (I changed it myself about a month and a half ago, and I believe I am the only one who has 'scooped the poop' since..and then only one time.) Now I don't blame Jenn for this, for medical reasons relating to childbearing ability..(if not when, though she would like more children)..she CANNOT touch or handle the contents in any way, but there IS another adult in the house...FULL time NOT a visitor.....so...???

The emotional relates to the increasing pressure building up inside of me to express my displeasure at certain parenting techniques or the contradicting lack thereof, and the division of labor I witness in the matter of household duties and the complaints that arise from the same. I also feel their tension resulting from my presence, which I acknowlege, and my own resentments beginning to form from in reponse to what I perceive to be an increasing tendency to take for granted my child care services, not so much the babysitting, but the kind of pick and choose paternal involvement when I am available. I'm going to stop now, so not to sound acrimonious or angry...which is the same reason to bug-out before one of us says or does something we will regret later. And let's not talk about the cooking and dishes. I qualify my statement about laziness to exclude SOME who are in recovery as opposed to those still hustling .

Here are some links to some websites that show my family's connection to old Baltimore and the movie business:

See http://www.kilduffs.net/CFA.html,

http://www.cinematour.com/tour/us/13857.html

and http://cinematreasures.org/theater/5571/

for some Cluster Theatre info.

This info was sent to me from my long lost, formerly unknown, newly located cousin in California.

I repeat what I said the other day:

"This Internet is so Damn Cool!!!!"

I'm losing it here, falling into the keyboard with drooping eyelids, and forgetting what I want to write, not to mention my already slow typing is hampered by the SpongeBob and Batman BandAids covering my fingers...hey, I'm in a house ful of kids at this time..although Edward is the only kid I've ever seen who hates bandaids.

Later......Dave

"Those Lazy, Hazy,Crazy Days of Winter............"

Good afternoon;

This link is to a site that someone who had been checking out my blog posted on about the Baltimore Mag. article about my blog, with a link to my blog.

http://mcom407.wordpress.com/

That poorly constructed last sentence was either an example of:

A) circular logic?

..or..

B) being stuck in a self perpetuating loop?

I think it is currently part of someone's research or thesis work at a local university, more info when I have more time to explore deeper.

There has been about 3 dozen referrals from the JT online edition since yesterday morning...I can imagine what there'll be after sundown today, if some of the more Orthodox folks log on......Oy vey!...lol.

I have been having a very interesting correspondence with my newly found 'second cousin--once removed' out in the L.A. area, I don't even want to try to imagine the conversation that would develop with Edward, if I tried to explain that concept to him.even though I am Pop-Pop Dave, because I do not live in the house (full time)...I am not "Family"....LOL!, nor is Rachel, or any of his other grandparents, et. al. Things are very, very different on...'Planet Ed'...or as it should be called, "Planet......ED!!! STOP THAT!!!".....LOL!

After I left here yesterday, (and I got sucked into cyberspace and was an hour or more later than I had planned and had to call Jenn and ask her friend Shannon to come pick me up so they could get out in time), I took care of Ed and Devin and got them ready for bed, (and I had let Tom and Jenn sleep in in the morning so I had done the breakfast deal too), and then Tom got home a bit early so I sat down for a minute, this was about 7:45 pm, the next thing I vaguely remember is hearing Jenn come in around 9:30ish and the light going out and a blanket being put over me, I woke up enough to stumble to the bathroom, after first putting on my shoes and coat and starting to head out the door, to visit the tree...lol! This was around 11:35 pm. I must have gotten up and set up the Mr. Coffee in my sleep around 4:00ish, beacuse the next thing I remember is getting off the couch in agony at 7:30 am. All the crazy hours taking care of the kids and bad sleep finally caught up with me. The reason I bring this up is an e-mail I got calling me lazy...lazy?, unmotivated, unambitious, undisciplined I'll admit to, but LAZY? ask any parent, nanny, au pair of toddlers about lazy, or even any addict....unfocused, yeah, misdirected energies, you bet...but lazy,no way!

I'm out of time and the library is closing.............

later..............Dave

"Family Circus!!!......................"

Good Afternoon Again;

I had to stop back in just for a second to post this really wild tidbit!

from the readed in L.A. I mentioned who wants to buy a copy of my poetry,(and who will remain anonymous unless I am instructed otherwise):

"You and I are second cousins, once removed. Your grandfather, Harry Cluster, and my g-grandfather, Benjamin Cluster, were brothers."

Is this wild or what?

.........Dave

"SNOW Business Like SLOW Business................"

Good Afternoon;

The sun is out and it's 44 degrees right now and walking is loads of fun....lol.

The 'normal' snow piles, those that are 3 feet high or less, are rapidly melting, while the "parking lot Matterhorns and Everests" are slowly exchanging their jagged peaks for more rounded contours, and everything is oozing water that sits and puddles in the gutters and street edges where pedestrians are forced to walk because in a majority of placed the sidewalks are still covered with snow. In some cases the plows had to shove it all up and over the curbs, where it has frozen down into 3 and 4 foot mounds of ice, in others the sidewalks are in the 'gray area' between private/city/commercial property, and no one will claim them to clean them, in still other situations certain homeowners/tenants have no intention of clearing the walks, the same people who believe that the traffic laws don't apply to them, and are the first to complain. ("Ghetto Attitude" covers a lot of territory, from Pikesville to Park Circle, and is "Equal Opportuniy Ignorant").

So the forecast is for low to mid 40 degree temps. until Monday, then freezing rain turning to rain through Tuesday temps back up in the 40s again. I may be able to get back in the shed by Wednesday, just in time for the projected inch or so of snow Thurday....lol! I just got a call from Jenn asking me to babysit this afternoon so she can get out and talk to an adult..(Tom doesn't count, at times it's like having 3 toddlers in the house...lol)..[and she and I sat up the past few nights talking]..so I'm going to go get some lunch and head back to the apartment. I was also penciled in to babysit on the Sunday the 28th of this month, now in years past I would have had to refuse....what with my birthday falling on a Friday night, there was no way I would have been able to tolerate the high pitched noise of children Duct taped to the chairs! LOL! But now, not partaking of the wide variety of legal and illegal alcoholic and pharmaceutical 'party starters' as I once did, I will be available, unless she dcides to pawn them off on her mom instead for the whole weekend.

I just got a notice from the JT of a comment on the story, from friends in Hawai'i, the internet is so cool!

I also have a request from a woman in LA who wishes to purchase a copy of "Talespinner", who happens to have the EarthLink Spam Blocker progarm set up to screen her e-mail...I gotta get me one 'o them!!

{I'm tired of pleas from Abulaijula Hasnilamisabadaba and his banker friends in Burkina Faso who desperately need my help in transferring millions of dollars out of the country if only I'll let them use my bank account....LOL!......bank account, that's a good one! But wait.....who has really pissed me off? Can I give him their information.......Nah...I'm not THAT evil....LOL!}

I am awaiting her reply to my reply.

When I was at Starbucks last night, a young woman who used to frequent Funks, and who was in my homegroup there, and who I kinda had a secret crush on (not any more...lol), (and at the same time was intimidated by...lol)...and who I had not seen in at least 6 years, stopped in with her 16 month old son. I was looking at her and as recognition began to dawn on me, she walks over and says "Hi, it's been foreve since I saw you". We chatted and caught up a bit, and when it finally hit her and sunk in that I am Jenn's dad...wel the look on her face was priceless...lol.

What is even funnier is that she was carrying a copy of the March issue of Baltimore Magazine, and had not opened it yet. Kristen it was great seeing you, you look wonderful, and WOW!!!!...all grown up too!!!!! Keep in touch.

Okay, I may be back tomorrow...if not, on Monday....

later..........Dave

"Apologia..............."

Good Afternoon;

It appears I've missed some e-mails from a couple readers. I have my spam filter set to high, so sometimes real e-mails end up in the Junkmail Folder......Sorry, I'll try to peruse them more carefully before I dump the folder. If you wish, you may click on the 'comments' under each post, and request it not be published, ( or to be....if you like), and leave your e-mail and I will answer you asap.

Okay now back to Hotmail.

Then to surreptitiously check out the shed to see if can get back in yet, then to take Rachel her copy of the JT, then I think to Starbucks for a while...maybe...Jenn is supposed to go with Tom and the kids to his mom's house to check out her "NEW...{to her anyway}... CAR"!!!, that her mom gave her after she bought a new on in the blizzard..???...and which was towed to and being stored at his mom's driveway until they can get tagstitletax accumulated. I can see her driving up and back, up and back, all along the driveway, all day long....LOL!!...so maybe I'll go to the apt. and try to catch a nap, or a movie all the way through....that will be a first!

I THINK this is good bye for now?!?!?........Dave

......................later..........Dave

"The New Phone Book Is Here!!!!!........The New Phone Book Is Here!!!!!!!!!!........................."

Good Morning, again;

So I called Neil at 7:15 am. this morning from Jenn's house and told him NOT to pick me up at the Old Ct. Metro station at 7:45ish as planned.

{I had another rough night on Jenn's recliner, physically, mentally and emotionally...I AM going to the clinic (at least in my mind at this point in time...lol) and sit and sit and sit on Monday morning, the pain in my legs, and the increasing intermittent numbness..pins and needles..in my hands and/or fingers,(not including the cold related issues), is getting to be of enough concern to force me to make a move, and IF..(and at this point, it is a BIG IF,...I may have to split...piled snow, cold nights, and possibly MORE slop forecast for Monday/Tuesday notwithstanding. There are building tensions and emotions that I cannot give voice to just now, due to a combination of tact, the appearance of seeming ungrateful, frustration, and just not knowing how to approach the issues.)..I am still at Jenn's then, having a place to leave my stuff so as not to have to deal with searches and security people will make my visit down to the Jai Medical Center in the 'hood' that much easier.} I finally got moving and finished the cup of coffee I poured at 6:00 am. about 9:00 am., and shaved and left their apartment. Neil was leaving the bagel shop where we were going to meet, so he picked me up and dropped me off at the library.....and gave me 5 copies of the Baltimore Jewish Times, (Friday-2/19/10-edition), which not only has the story about me in it, but features me, in all my shining glory on the cover. Pride, vanity, insecurity, hope, curiousity, embarrassment, humility, ego, irony, frustration, and an overall sense of the absurdity of it all, a real melting pot of emotions have hit me all at once. Two print editions and one online, within 48 hours, and the other online edition comes out on March 1st.....all this attention, this iteration of my "15 Minutes Of Fame", all because some folks think my life is more interesting than I do, and at least some of my 'loyal readers' enjoy my twisted sense of humor.........LOL. I gotta write a book about all this eventually......something like..."The Story Of My Life.....A Comedy In Multiple Acts, OR The Bastard Love Child Of Monty Python And Mel Brooks!".......LOL

More Later............Dave

And........thanks to everyone, because you read this...I keep living!

"Gratitude And Gripes..................."

Good Morning;

This post is real short because I hit the Enter key, instead of the Shift key and published the title before the body was typed..., so I had to add-by-edit something.....lol.

A humble thank you to Tamir in Eretz Yisroael, for the kind comments to the post "Online"...you have made my morning.

And another WTF!!! to Blogger/Google....where are the Followers, .....AGAIN!!!

To the 13 of you who have signed on for the ride....you still show up on MY edit screen...thanks for reading!

More soon.......Dave

online

http://www.jewishtim...ewish_homeless/17118

"Hot Off The Presses............And Into My Hot Little Hands..............."

Good Afternoon;

Baltimore Magazine

March 2010

Page 106/107

"Man on the Street"

'A recovering addict offers eyewitness

accounts of homeless life on Baltimore's

Most Fascinating Blog.'

Geez, talk about pressure, at least Evan didn't use the word 'consistently', I've got some 'wiggle room' for those days when my muse is on the rag..........LOL

(and for you folks checking us out here for the first time....if you're looking for PC content....leave now!)

ALSO:

DISCLAIMER!!!

I DO NOT NOW, NOR HAVE I EVER COLLECTED "SSI", (SUPPLEMENTAL SECURITY INCOME)! I HAVE A PENDING CLAIM, THAT IS ALL.

I had to get that straight before someone said..."Why are you homeless if you get SSI?", which can be $600.00 or more per month, and qualify me for the short list for subsidized housing.

Okay that's out of the way now.

The story is really well written, and other than the above confusion and a minor discrepancy regarding the chronology of my relationship with Jenn, it is 99 & 44/100 percent accurate, sometimes brutally and uncomfortably so. It should be on the racks by tomorrow, if not already out, and the online edition comes out March 1st.

It is strange to see myself in a magazine photo.....I keep asking who is that old guy who looks like me? (hey I'll admit to the middle aged spread, and the male pattern baldness, but geez.... give me a break somewhere!........LOL)

I share the issue with an interview with our new Mayor, Stephanie Rawlings-Blake, (God Bless Her And GOOD LUCK To Her, she's going to need it),

.....And the areas '50 Best Restaurants', (I almost ruined my copy drooling over the photos of the featured dished....lol), which is somehow appropriate, although I have not eaten at any of them recently...ha!

I brought a copy to Jenn and and she said she was also in accord regarding accuracy and quoted comments, nothing amiss that anyone would catch unless they know us well, except the SSI/DSS money mixup. My grandaughter Devin looked at the picture and pointed at me and babbled away in her own private language with an observation we are still trying to decipher.

It figures that last night would be 'the straw that broke this camel's back'.....damn near literally. Jenn's couch is the type that is a 'semi-sectional', with recliners on either end and a fold down table hidden in the back cushion between them. It has also been taken apart and put together, and moved a few too many times. Not to mention the wear, tear and abuse over the years. The combination of a well sat on, sunken in seat cushion, dual steel crosspieces of the framework that strike me just on my vestigial tailbone, and the deteriorating vertebrae just above it, an armrest with shifted padding that allows it's wooden framework to eventually in the course of the night wind up riiiigghhttt under the cervical vertebrae and the base of my skull that was broken and fractured, and never healed right, back in 1990, and which also shows signs of the same deteriorating disk disease. It was a bad night, no sleep and extremely painful. I can't sleep on the floor there for a couple reasons,... cheap apartment complex tile over a concrete slab, no padding or cushions available, and the dog hair, dander, dust and odor of wet dog and cat, and feet, that just won't come out of the rug. I finally crawled into the recliner about 3:00 am. and took a larger dose of my meds than I wanted too, but still within the proper range, (which I should have done hours before, instead of extending my agony with a sense of false economy and safety by only taking very small doses), this seems to be a combination of being overly prudent......and a hold on from my using days when I tried to make a stash last as long as possible, by taking the smallest hit I could still feel.......(but which only caused me to either shoot up more frequently as the hit wore off quicker, or just do it all at once in frustration, defeating the purpose in any case....LOL......[You ALL know what I am talking about, you've ALL done it, be it dope, coke, or chocolate....lol!]...). I really need to sleep on a flat, firm yet yielding surface............likeeeee???? a stack of card board boxes you ask? Yep, strange as it may seem, I need to get back to the shed and some solitude...if I could only get in there......DAMN SNOW!

I'll be back fairly early tomorrow, after I meet with Neil and Phil and get my copies of The Jewish Times, {Friday 02/19/2010 edition, I'm told I may be on the cover with Rachel!}. I'm outta time now and I have to go and babysit the grand monsters for Jenn and Tom, they want to go to Tom's homegroup tonight......................Dave

P.S.............

Just a heads-up for any 'mystery gifters', anonymous donors, wealthy philanthropists looking for a cause, Secret Santas, Fairy Godmothers, lonely rich women, grant and trust administrators looking for a worthy recipient, landlord who needs to have someone live in and keep an eye on their vacant mansion, lonely poor women, anyone who has recently been touched by angels or aliens and directed to give away all their worldly goods, or who has suddenly come into possession...{no questions asked}...of a large batch of gift cards.......

A week from tomorrow, that is NEXT Friday, the 26th of February, is my natal anniversary.....I mean these two simultaneous print media extravaganzas are plenty, but I'm just sayin'........LOL!

"Awaiting The 'Blessed Event'.........Here It Comes....Wait For It....Wait For It.....UUUUURRRRRRRPPPPPP.........THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!!!........"

Good Afternoon;

Not a whole lot new and exciting to talk about since last night.....Edward barfed all over Tom's car on the way back to the house, and when the carseat was cleaned off and brought inside a huge blob of puke was missed. I smelled a nauseating odor from behind the couch when I lay down, and when I grabbed the car seat to look behind it....well you know what and where I grabbed onto.

I am heading over to the Starbucks now and meeting Evan to pick up a copy of Baltmore Magazine, and I am meeting Neil and Phil on Friday morning to get my copy of the Jewish Times. All I can think of is the scene in some movie(s) I can't remember where the main character travels all over town buying and/or stealing all the copies of the newspaper/magazine to prevent his girlfriend from seeing a certain article or photo......(If only I had a girlfriend, my life could be a 'screwball' comedy too....[as opposed to this comedy of errors?]......LOL!!!).......and forgets the one delivered to his own house...lol..!

Anyway.......see you tomorrow...........Dave

"Happy Birdie 2 Ewe"

Indulge me please;

Anna Marie;

Happy Birthday!!!

Always loved you....Always will!!!

Dave

Inside a United States Courthouse: A Native Hawaiian Speaks.

I even linked the title...read this,

Inside a United States Courthouse: A Native Hawaiian Speaks.

"Hot Off The Presses!!!!!.................."

The Baltimore Magazine, March edition, is out now..gotta go find one!!

later.....Dave

P.S.

Welcome to Evan and Cowper, followers 12 and 13

"Don't Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead!....(He Broke His Neck Falling Over All The Damn Toys.....As He Was Trying To Escape From The Grand-Monsters)..."

Good Evening:

It's good to be able to get out of the shoebox/insane asylum/Jenn's apartment!
Have I mentioned my love for cold weather and my related affection for snow!!!
YEAH....riiigghhhhtttt!!!!
First off...read this, the triumph of the spirit, and man's humanity!! to man!
Inside a United States Courthouse: A Native Hawaiian Speaks.
I am privileged and honored to be able to say I know these folks and can call them friends. 'Iokepa's quiet dignity and the strength and power of his of his belief, and the courage to act upon them in against all odds has been an inspiration to me and a source of power in my own struggles. Click it, read it, and be renewed!

So....If I ever needed an object lesson as to why I could not live with Jenn, the grand kids, and my son-in-law, even if we all had a big...Big..BIG!! house, these weeks have been it! I am awaiting enough of the snow to melt so I can get to the shed and assess the damage, if any, that the wind and the drifting snow has left. The door was blown open during the 2nd heavy, record breaking blizzard, and between the drifted and piled up by the plows snow mountains, I have not been able to safely and inconspicuously get in to the shed. I have been at Jenn's since Feb. 3rd, the night we went to the Ice Show. I have been doing more than my share of child care and babysitting duties as part of my effort to pull my weight and show my gratitude. I have also been food shopping and cooking, both to give Jenn a break, and to take advantage of the opportunity to do so, I never get the chance anymore, and my culinary skills are one of the ways I identify myself.

Differing attitudes as to a father's household duties, and attitude toward participatory child rearing are forcing me to keep my mouth shut as tightly as I can...my tongue is nearly bitten through.....!

The other major issue is the attitude and behavior of my grandson, and the at times schizophrenic ways, means, and style of discipline he receives...or does not!!

And of course I'm a dad, and trying not to say something when your daughter and her husband argue...fight...and at times verbally eviscerate one another is a supreme effort, although it is made easier by Jenn's ability to hold her own ground.

Add to the mix a dog that effin' STINKS, and is suffering from severe dry skin (as are we all from the forced hot air heat, and the fact that whenever Jenn and I try to put a big kettle of water on the boil to humidify the air, someone keeps turning off the gas stove, moaning about utility bills as he leaves every damn light and the television on in the bedroom, while also turning out the 7 1/2 watt night light an the dark kitchen.....false economy, the price of everything...and the value of nothing?), and is constantly scratching & biting at herself all night long as I am trying to sleep on the couch or recliner that leaves my back worse off than the cardboard box mattress in the shed.

Hey, I'm grateful as can be to be out of the old and the snow, but even if they wanted me to stay long term, (and I am honest enough to admit that I am not the perfect roommate either, especially in a family situation, where boundaries are so much more fluid and the "gray areas get real fuzzy around the edges"), I would never be able to survive, nor would our renewed relationship. And to be brutally honest...I'd be doing dope eventually.....it can get that tense.

Which brings me to the final tangent of the evening....7 years ago, Presidents Day 2003....we here in Baltimore also had a blizzard that, if not breaking, at least equaled records going back over 100 years. 7 years ago...I was 6 months married to the woman who would become Rachels mother, and pregnant with what would have been our first child if it had not been for a later miscarriage. I was unsuccessfully coping with her viscious custody battle for her 4 kids from her previous marriage to a man who did not want the children for their own sake, but only to deny them to her, and to bolster his own image in the frum community, and who used any and every unethical legal and dirty trick to make her, us, and me look bad, including filing false police reports, which were dismissed on a total lack of grounds, spreading lies and rumours , taking her to the Rabbinical court the Beit Din, which threw his case out, and eventually to the civil courts, whom he had ignored denied their jurisdiction over him, and was eventually jailed by for contempt, but who he used to his advantage when he could throw money and lawywrs at my 'ex' in a concerted effort to break her monetarily. The man who the judge said of, "I do not want to give these children to you, but on a financial level I am legally bound by law to do so."..(paraphrased).....just a little back story...lol. 7 years ago, I was stressed to the point of breaking and had relapsed over New Years Eve, and acquired a dope habit again, that because of the city being totally shut down over the course of 4 days did not get fed and sent me into withdrawal halfway through the storm....not a fun time at all!!!!

So........it is said that the human body renews all the cells capable of renewal in 7 year cycles, and ones life is divided into 7 year phases or segments.......

7 years later,....I am homeless, and not working, with some physical and mental health issues that are or have the possibility to become fairly severe or even debilitating......at times I have been eating out of garbage cans, at other times panhandling, I am deep in debt that I cannot ever see getting out of, and possibly facing jail time in March because of old child support arrears....(almost forgot about that, didn't you....well I haven't....lol)..it would seem that I was at my lowest point would it not...Well, you would be wrong!......

I have been invited back into my oldest daughter's life and family, and home, I am clean chemically or that would never have happened. They say that since you and I have been doing this blog thing together, and I have been on my meds, that I have changed for the better. I have a wonderful relationship with my beautiful Rachel, and see her as often as I can, (and you know that when circumstances dictate that I don't, the blog reflects my sadness), I have met an amazing assortment of people, on the street corner when begging, in the coffee shop, on Craigs List, and through this blog.....I have not one but 2 magazine stories about me being published within 2 weeks of each other...(According to the latest info...see the Baltimore Jewish Times, February 19th 2010 issue, this Friday......geez I hope I don't come off as an asshole....or at least, TOO much of one!)...

And as miserable as I sometimes get, in general, I have never been more grateful, or happier...Yeah I could use a few things....but who couldn't, welllllll....maybe I COULD use a bit more than most of you.....LOL!

But.....the very fact that even at the blackest moments, when I could taste the cold blue steel, and the smell of oil and cordite filled my sinuses, and the click as the hammer cocked reverberated like a gong as the sound was amplified by bone conduction straight through to my brain.....even when the pain, both physical and emotional was unbearable,

there was always that tiny little spark of HOPE that remained lit deep deep down inside, that and and the thought of my girls....and the pain it would cause them...that prevented me from pulling the trigger.....as much as I wanted to stop hurting, I stumbled on, another breath, another minute, another, hour, another day. And like Robert Frost's two roads converging in a wood...it HAS made all the difference.

I can still retain a little bit of independence, a smidgen of self respect, a bit of dignity, a whole batch of gratitude, a modicum of humility, and an outrageously large sense of irony/absurdity/humor.

So 7 years of not so good luck, and out of that...almost 6 years of sheer and total shock and awe at my amazing Rachel, child of light and love, I'm ready for 7 years of better circumstances to be able to give her what she deserves......And to try to make amends where and when I can, to do something useful and fulfilling, and yeah...to get some "stuff" too.

I'm starting the 4th quarter of my life in 10 days, maybe I can emulate the Saints, not the Ravens this time around....LOL!

I'm done tonight, it is back to Jenn's, (after a quick pass by the beer store for some anti-freeze to keep me from freezing on the bus stop.....lol! and a sanity buffer!), I may see if I can get to the shed easily tomorrow, and maybe to the Starbucks for the first time in 2 weeks.

As Edward R. Murrow used to say:

"Good Night, And, Good Luck"

Dave.....................

"CABIN FEVER----Part Deux;....If It Doesn't Move, EAT IT!!!!---If It Does Move, Glue It To The Booster Seat And Duct Tape It's Little Mouth Shut!!!.."

Good Afternoon;

Didja miss me? Now, I know how the Donner party felt, and why some animals eat their young. The cannibalism has as much or more to do with close quarters madness as starvation!!!

I'm sure glad to be back behind a keyboard, the withdrawal symptoms were beginning to get to me, the sub-conscious typing on an invisible laptop, trying to GOOGLE the make believe computer created by the kids out of their (non electronic) toys, exchanging fake e-mails with preschoolers....the twitching, talking to myself, and yelling at the morons on the TV news..(both the anchors and reporters and the clueless bastards chosen for the 'man on the street' interviews bitching because their street was not cleared down to the asphalt....BEFORE the storm had even stopped and the main routes were even opened up!!!...{Oh....sorry, those last couple things are my NORMAL behavior....LOL!}.

But seriously, it is good to get out and more than a couple hundred yards away from Jenn's apartment. Yeah, can you believe it, I've been there since the 3rd of February! That's 12 continuous nights, and I think I will be there for a few more days, with more snow forecast for Monday (15th) and Tuesday (16th), [I have not been past the shed to look at it since Monday (8th), and I could not get into it easily, or inconspicuously then, so with last weeks 'Record Setting--Blizzard Of The Century', I can only imagine what it is like. I am going to get as close as I can to see if the gale force winds blew the door open and filled it up with snow], and up until the first snow storm this past December, I had never even spent the night. I must be doing something right in my life for this change to be so radical, truly a 180 degree turn around.

The major snow was not the only drama in my life this past two weeks, Rachel spent Wednesday and Thursday nights and most of Friday last week at Jenn's with me, and returned on Tuesday (9th), and just left yesterday evening, (Friday 12th). Edward went up to his grandmothers, Jenn's mom, (my first 'ex'....lol), during that time so the dynamic was much, Much, MUCH!!! less......"Dynamic", shall we say?.....LOL. Devin loved having another girl around, and Rachel's feeling was mutual. Rachel is much mellower than Edward,....at her wildest! I so enjoyed being with her, and after her being shunted around a bit, between spending days and nights at her grandmother's ,(my second 'ex'es' mom....lol....Maybe to find the woman I so desperately need to find, I should change the frame of reference to the plural, women, and advertise for a "Future Ex Wife..[Wives]"?....!!!...LOL), and a friend's house,

{the reason for all this mobility is that the ex'es live-in boyfriend had chest pains when Rachel was with me at the Ice Show, and went to the ER at Sinai, where he was admitted for tests, and then had surgery on Monday...He came home...or at least back to the 'ex'es' mother's house, because their house, street and sidewalk was still snowbound...and is recuperating satisfactorily, Thank God. I wish him only the best pray for a speedy and full recovery, whatever my feeling may be, [and I am still trying to sort all this 'meshugas' out], he HAS become a large part of Rachel's day to day life, and if or when he leaves it, I do not want it to be this way, and also because I bear him no ill will, and I remember coming home from emergency surgery too damn well, all too many times, also in the winter, it is no picnic.},

where her mom said she had a bit of a 'meltdown' from the accumulated stress and tension of being away from home without either of us there and the contagion of worry that some people transmit. The only sign she showed was a tendency to want to always know where I was, and at about 3:30 - 4:00 am. to climb on the couch with me for a half hour or so until I became too 'lumpy'...lol...and then go back to her..(Ed's)..bed. She is truly a 'Daddy's Girl', and I would not want it any other way, I am blessed with two wonderful daughters and a granddaughter who have the power to reduce my bones to Silly Putty and wrap me around their fingers and I love every minute of it.

My grandson is a totally different story, I DO!!! love him, and he is very smart and creative in his way, and a good portion of the time I like him, and a lot of the time I find him an annoying, spoiled pain in the ass, but...and this is a big, guilt ridden but!!!...there are too many times when I actively dislike him to the point of just not wanting anything to do with him...ever again. Whether it has been nature or nurture more at fault, (and I believe in the power of both), I won't say,

.......but if he were my son......!

The term 'mulish' comes to mind...there is an old joke where the city boy asks the farmer what the 2" x 4" hanging on a rack on the wagon is for, and the farmer tells him it is "A device that stimulates both focus and memory." and with it he can teach the mule anything, the city boy scoffs and says, 'How can a 2" x 4" teach anything at all!', the farmer says..."Oh THAT'S just to get his attention!!!"

I am pretty easy going with kids, Jenn and Rachel can attest to that, but they were also taught 2 basic things at a very early age...

1- NO means NO!! and STOP!! means STOP!!

2- Children DO NOT 'tell' adults What, (or How or When), to do!!

I also believe in telling kids 'Why' from an early age, treating them as people..little people obviously..but people; and that they can have opinions, but have to obey grownups. "Do it now, we can talk afterwards, and if you are right, we'll change whatever needs to be changed, but do it now!"

This subject and that of portions of Rachel's life over which I currently have little or no sway bring up a personal, moral, ethical, (and possible though not probable=legal) dilemna....And one that could affect my very life and safety. What should I say, where should I draw a line between my need for honest venting or commentary, and my knowledge of who is in and/or of my personal life is reading this blog..(or who will be immediately informed of content relating to them by certain nosy busybodies.....lol!..[not really that funny though, it's kind of a sad commentary on certain empty, bitter, vindictive souls.....get a life!!! or move to Iran or North Korea]...). I held some things back last summer and they festered inside me until I realized that I was not to blame for another's damaged facade if I was scrupulously honest in my direct observations. This is a bit more delicate, it concerns opinions and feelings.

And it is not that I am not grateful and appreciative of the recent charity of my daughter and son-in-law, but how do I deal with the things I see and hear and feel that bother and irritate me? I have to be honest to myself, but temper the commentary without watering down the reality. Even if it means being asked to leave? That's not even really an issue, it's a comfort level. If I had another place to go, out of the weather, or I could get into the shed, I would...at least for a night or two, to give us all some breathing space, and to relax the unspoken tensions. And if things get to the breaking point or the edge of anger and violent (verbal) confrontation, I'll spend my last few bucks on a room, after that I'll put on all my clothes and wrap myself in the sleeping bag and find a hole in a tree somewhere. Or as a LAST and ultimately FINAL resort, go to a shelter, (and YES the idea of the shelter IS only viable if a NON-Self Inflicted death is imminent!!!). I'm running low on time and stamina here so if the content of the last couple paragraphs seem jumbled up.....they are!

"Look Ma....No Editing!"..........LOL

Honesty, emotions, pride, popularity, notoriety, fear, confidence, confusion, care, concern, compassion, pride, hubris, children...PLUS...shelter, food, healthcare, cold, snow, safety and basic survival. Our lives are pretty much alike in certain ways aren't they, it just seems to be getting used to a different 'comfort level'....eh?

Okay..closing time....gotta head back out to fight the mess and try to get a bus without getting, soaked frozen, or killed!

Just saw Evan from B-more Mag...look for it (March Issue) the end of this month.

Hope everyone is still safe and warm....

If anybody wants some company, and to help save all our sanity at Jenn's,

CALL ME!! I'LL FIND A WAY THERE...

(and bring food and or alcohol!!)

see ya......Dave

P.S. Welcome new follower...

MARIANNE!!

"HEY...Look At the SNEW!!.....SNEW???, What's SNEW?????......I Dunno, What's New With You??????..............{Sorry 'Bout Dat, Cabin Fever Attack}..."

Good Afternoon;

As part of my continuing program of FREE Public Service Bulletins, I would like to again affirm and confirm my previous series of announcements:

Cold Weather Sucks!!!

And 30+ Inches Of Snow Bites The Big One!!!

(The preceding statements ARE the opinion of the management, [and the managements oldest daughter]...[though NOT that of the youngest daughter!!]......LOL)

So, I really cannot complain though, I spent Tuesday night..(the 'practice blizzard') in a motel room, and have been at Jenn's since Wednesday night after the Disney On Ice show, and most likely will be there through ??? Thursday.

Unless I can find and get to another place !! I don't want anyone to think I am ungrateful, because I do appreciate the opportunity to be safe, warm and dry, but this extended experience only reinforces and vindicates my reasoning behind the inability of my staying there permanently.

Too small, too crowded, too tense, too many strong personalities, too many opposite opinions, too many 'eggshells' being walked on, too much effin stinky dog!!!, too much loss of independence, autonomy, and freedom.

Too much 5 year old who is more 'pre-teen' than precocious'

I will take advantage of the invitations to get out of the weather whenever they come about, and I will 'pay my freight', by babysitting, pet sitting, buying groceries, advancing grocery money when I am able, feeding the kids, cooking and cleaning the kitchen, and taking out the trash and emptying the damn litter box..(don't even ask...lol!!!).

After a while, that old 'fifth wheel' feeling would kick in, and with it, all the old thoughts and doubts and behaviors, and that can only lead to.....

Too much chance I will end up with a bullet to the brain or a spike in my arm.

So, moderation, after the worst of the snow has passed, I'll be back out in the shed, and to tell the truth, I have to go past there this afternoon before dark to see if the door was blown open by the winds of the blizzard, and if it has filled with snow. One good thing which has come from all this is a re-evaluation of what I am feeling I may be capable of doing. I don't know exactly what or where it is leading me, but some sort of change feels imminent. Maybe it is thoughts of my own mortality, and the knowledge of that time is passing.

There are 2 reasons behind this sudden sense of urgency...

One is my impending birthday, I'll be 54 on the 26th, and that is 3 x 18, approximately 3 Generations, (as evidenced by Jenn and Rachel; and Ed and Devin....although the idea of a daughter and a grand son 9 months apart is hilarious...lol), Or, basically 3/4 of a Lifetime..(give or take...lol).

The other is that the "ex'es" live in boyfriend is in Triple Bypass Heart Surgery , even as I write this. He is not much older than I am, and even though I am not close to him, it still has a trickle down effect because Rachel ended up spending Thursday night at Jenn's also with me, and has been at her Grandmother's during the storm. She may be back at Jenn's on and off as needed during the recovery period, and explaining to and talking with her about it....has me "What iffing".

Anyway, I do not know when I will be back on, maybe tomorrow morning, maybe not until, Thursday or Friday, depending on the snow.

Speaking of the snow, I was informed that it has pushed back the JT article another week, until the 19th. Things got way behind I guess.

I'm outta here, I hope everyone stayed safe and warm and dry, and remains so, it is supposed to be in the single digits again tonight.

How about that Superbowl...was that one hell of a game or what!!! and there was some kind of twisted justice for the Ravens when Matt Stover missed that kick..after 16 consecutive playoff goals!...and Jenn made this really kickass crab and shrimp cheese dip...OMG!!!..(LOL!! recipe on request)...

Thanks to Paul, Neil, and Michelle (Mlle), for their inquiries, salutations and concern, Love you guys.

later.....Dave