Good Afternoon;
Didja miss me? Now, I know how the Donner party felt, and why some animals eat their young. The cannibalism has as much or more to do with close quarters madness as starvation!!!
I'm sure glad to be back behind a keyboard, the withdrawal symptoms were beginning to get to me, the sub-conscious typing on an invisible laptop, trying to GOOGLE the make believe computer created by the kids out of their (non electronic) toys, exchanging fake e-mails with preschoolers....the twitching, talking to myself, and yelling at the morons on the TV news..(both the anchors and reporters and the clueless bastards chosen for the 'man on the street' interviews bitching because their street was not cleared down to the asphalt....BEFORE the storm had even stopped and the main routes were even opened up!!!...{Oh....sorry, those last couple things are my NORMAL behavior....LOL!}.
But seriously, it is good to get out and more than a couple hundred yards away from Jenn's apartment. Yeah, can you believe it, I've been there since the 3rd of February! That's 12 continuous nights, and I think I will be there for a few more days, with more snow forecast for Monday (15th) and Tuesday (16th), [I have not been past the shed to look at it since Monday (8th), and I could not get into it easily, or inconspicuously then, so with last weeks 'Record Setting--Blizzard Of The Century', I can only imagine what it is like. I am going to get as close as I can to see if the gale force winds blew the door open and filled it up with snow], and up until the first snow storm this past December, I had never even spent the night. I must be doing something right in my life for this change to be so radical, truly a 180 degree turn around.
The major snow was not the only drama in my life this past two weeks, Rachel spent Wednesday and Thursday nights and most of Friday last week at Jenn's with me, and returned on Tuesday (9th), and just left yesterday evening, (Friday 12th). Edward went up to his grandmothers, Jenn's mom, (my first 'ex'....lol), during that time so the dynamic was much, Much, MUCH!!! less......"Dynamic", shall we say?.....LOL. Devin loved having another girl around, and Rachel's feeling was mutual. Rachel is much mellower than Edward,....at her wildest! I so enjoyed being with her, and after her being shunted around a bit, between spending days and nights at her grandmother's ,(my second 'ex'es' mom....lol....Maybe to find the woman I so desperately need to find, I should change the frame of reference to the plural, women, and advertise for a "Future Ex Wife..[Wives]"?....!!!...LOL), and a friend's house,
{the reason for all this mobility is that the ex'es live-in boyfriend had chest pains when Rachel was with me at the Ice Show, and went to the ER at Sinai, where he was admitted for tests, and then had surgery on Monday...He came home...or at least back to the 'ex'es' mother's house, because their house, street and sidewalk was still snowbound...and is recuperating satisfactorily, Thank God. I wish him only the best pray for a speedy and full recovery, whatever my feeling may be, [and I am still trying to sort all this 'meshugas' out], he HAS become a large part of Rachel's day to day life, and if or when he leaves it, I do not want it to be this way, and also because I bear him no ill will, and I remember coming home from emergency surgery too damn well, all too many times, also in the winter, it is no picnic.},
where her mom said she had a bit of a 'meltdown' from the accumulated stress and tension of being away from home without either of us there and the contagion of worry that some people transmit. The only sign she showed was a tendency to want to always know where I was, and at about 3:30 - 4:00 am. to climb on the couch with me for a half hour or so until I became too 'lumpy'...lol...and then go back to her..(Ed's)..bed. She is truly a 'Daddy's Girl', and I would not want it any other way, I am blessed with two wonderful daughters and a granddaughter who have the power to reduce my bones to Silly Putty and wrap me around their fingers and I love every minute of it.
My grandson is a totally different story, I DO!!! love him, and he is very smart and creative in his way, and a good portion of the time I like him, and a lot of the time I find him an annoying, spoiled pain in the ass, but...and this is a big, guilt ridden but!!!...there are too many times when I actively dislike him to the point of just not wanting anything to do with him...ever again. Whether it has been nature or nurture more at fault, (and I believe in the power of both), I won't say,
.......but if he were my son......!
The term 'mulish' comes to mind...there is an old joke where the city boy asks the farmer what the 2" x 4" hanging on a rack on the wagon is for, and the farmer tells him it is "A device that stimulates both focus and memory." and with it he can teach the mule anything, the city boy scoffs and says, 'How can a 2" x 4" teach anything at all!', the farmer says..."Oh THAT'S just to get his attention!!!"
I am pretty easy going with kids, Jenn and Rachel can attest to that, but they were also taught 2 basic things at a very early age...
1- NO means NO!! and STOP!! means STOP!!
2- Children DO NOT 'tell' adults What, (or How or When), to do!!
I also believe in telling kids 'Why' from an early age, treating them as people..little people obviously..but people; and that they can have opinions, but have to obey grownups. "Do it now, we can talk afterwards, and if you are right, we'll change whatever needs to be changed, but do it now!"
This subject and that of portions of Rachel's life over which I currently have little or no sway bring up a personal, moral, ethical, (and possible though not probable=legal) dilemna....And one that could affect my very life and safety. What should I say, where should I draw a line between my need for honest venting or commentary, and my knowledge of who is in and/or of my personal life is reading this blog..(or who will be immediately informed of content relating to them by certain nosy busybodies.....lol!..[not really that funny though, it's kind of a sad commentary on certain empty, bitter, vindictive souls.....get a life!!! or move to Iran or North Korea]...). I held some things back last summer and they festered inside me until I realized that I was not to blame for another's damaged facade if I was scrupulously honest in my direct observations. This is a bit more delicate, it concerns opinions and feelings.
And it is not that I am not grateful and appreciative of the recent charity of my daughter and son-in-law, but how do I deal with the things I see and hear and feel that bother and irritate me? I have to be honest to myself, but temper the commentary without watering down the reality. Even if it means being asked to leave? That's not even really an issue, it's a comfort level. If I had another place to go, out of the weather, or I could get into the shed, I would...at least for a night or two, to give us all some breathing space, and to relax the unspoken tensions. And if things get to the breaking point or the edge of anger and violent (verbal) confrontation, I'll spend my last few bucks on a room, after that I'll put on all my clothes and wrap myself in the sleeping bag and find a hole in a tree somewhere. Or as a LAST and ultimately FINAL resort, go to a shelter, (and YES the idea of the shelter IS only viable if a NON-Self Inflicted death is imminent!!!). I'm running low on time and stamina here so if the content of the last couple paragraphs seem jumbled up.....they are!
"Look Ma....No Editing!"..........LOL
Honesty, emotions, pride, popularity, notoriety, fear, confidence, confusion, care, concern, compassion, pride, hubris, children...PLUS...shelter, food, healthcare, cold, snow, safety and basic survival. Our lives are pretty much alike in certain ways aren't they, it just seems to be getting used to a different 'comfort level'....eh?
Okay..closing time....gotta head back out to fight the mess and try to get a bus without getting, soaked frozen, or killed!
Just saw Evan from B-more Mag...look for it (March Issue) the end of this month.
Hope everyone is still safe and warm....
If anybody wants some company, and to help save all our sanity at Jenn's,
CALL ME!! I'LL FIND A WAY THERE...
(and bring food and or alcohol!!)
see ya......Dave
P.S. Welcome new follower...
MARIANNE!!
No comments:
Post a Comment