"OOPS I Did It Again.........."

Hello;

Hi to the MICA visitor who is on now.

Also had a visitor from Guatemala yesterday.

bye............D

"Tell 'Em...'Joe Sent You'.........or.......Sergeant Of Arms, Call The Roll.............."

Hi again;

To all the people who stop at the corner and ask me, "how is so and so", or "where has whatshisname been"....Homelessness is NOT a lodge, club, or fraternal organization!

We do not have pass words, secret handshakes, or monthly meetings. We do not have a roster or directory, and do not know every other street person in the city. And while many of us have private languages and special rituals, that is due to schizophrenia, dementia, paranoia, and OCD! And though many of us have and still are 'paying dues', they are not used for a big end of year crab feast....(of course some of these folks could use a good 'crab boil'.....LOL!)

Ever travel on the Light Rail into the city? Look to your right as you come out of the North Ave. stop, immediately, and I do mean IMMEDIATELY after you go under the bridge, just past the MICA kiln and statue of the Buddha. Under the next bridge, up high, look at the encampment of homeless folks tucked away there. They're wedged in the angle of the embankment and the bridge, and you can see some of the creative building done with quilts, and scrap wood and cardboard...not my particular style, I tend to want to live a bit cleaner and less 'pioneer', with an actual set of walls and a roof, and a little less visible, but you do what you can.

Now if it was Florida,

.....as Jimmy Buffet once said.

" Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder,..A sleeping bag under a bridge by a canal....is still waterfront property",

It's all perspective........LOL.

Well I saw this couple

Just the other day

Livin' under a bridge

In a homeless way

Like a million others

Without any plan

Livin' day to day

In the promised land

In this unforgivin' world

there ain't no doubt

It'll chew you up

and it'll spit you out

Lyrics from 'My Barracuda'

(Jimmy Buffett, Michael Utley, Russell Kunkel, Steve Cropper,)

1988

Sometimes I just can't get out of here.....let me try again...

later.......Dave

"Above and Beyond, "You Have The Right To Remain Silent".........".'

Hello;

I just wanted to throw this out there as an example of one of Baltimore's good cops, who is now serving in the Army in Afghanistan. This is from a front page article in Monday's New York Times. An Army National Guard Captain, who is a Baltimore City policeman, Swat Team, became convinced that an Afghan national was being held in a case of mistaken identity and was being falsely accused. He kept up his investigation, even when officially discouraged by superiors, and put the family of the man in touch with a lawyer. He needed to obtain legal help himself for his involvement. This is a who, after 10 years on the streets of Baltimore, is familliar with everybody in the city proclaiming their innocence when they're busted, who was convinced enoiugh to put his career on the line for justice. THAT is kind of man I want policing my city!.........

Thanks for your service Captain Kirk Black...............

................later......................Dave

'The Rain In Spain Falls Mainly On The Insane...............or............The Hell With Waterboarding, Spend A Rainsoaked Week In Baltimore!!!....

Hello;

Rain sucks..Rain Sucks!...RAIN SUCKS!!!....

Yeah, well I'm still here......and did I mention Rain Sucks!?

I am glad that I am not still doing dope, or I'd probably think I was in Seattle, and try to imitate Kurt Cobain.

I was able to acquire enough cash to alleviate my worst stressor yesterday afternoon, (of course it took 2 hours and then it all happened in the last 15 minutes...lol), I have a 'bupe', which will last me for 2 to 4 days, depending on the chronic pain factor. The wonderful thing about this drug is that there is no euphoria involved and it's effectiveness in quashing all cravings, (other than the 'memory of a good time' type, but THOSE I can deal with or at least procrastinate...the first time laziness has been a virtue.....LOL). I had enough left over to actually buy dinner at the Giant, it is quite amazing to find out how far $1.83 will go when buying, left overs, markdowns, over stocks, and day olds. And then there was the Dunkin Donuts dumpster for dessert, and breakfast today. I may not eat healthy, but damn if I'm not going to eat as tasty as I can when I can. To prove a point, I once made a meal for some folks out of..'garbage food'..without telling them where it came from, and got rave reviews! (Everything was safe!!) that reminds me of the meal, particularly the dessert we cooked and served to the Ocean City City Council during their monthly working breakfast when I worked at a better left un-named for Fifth Amendment purposes hotel at the beach. The lemon poppyseed and ..shall we say, 'by product of pressed hemp' muffins were a huge hit, all the motions brought up passed bt acclamation that day, it was the most harmonious meeting they ever held in the '80s. I was asked for my recipes, but I said I did not reveal my secrets....LOL!!

I've got to look for some money...see you later..........Dave

"Defying Gravity.............or..............It's Not The Fall that kills You...It's the Sudden Stop......"

Good afternoon;

And I say that only as a matter of politeness. It's a pretty lousy 'effin day here in "Harm City", and it's been going on since I woke up yesterday at 3:00am. Ever have one of those days that never seem to end, where the voices in your head just won't shut the f*ck up, and the conversation is going on and on and on with the same monotonous monologue, about how it's never gonna get any better so why bother trying, may as well just give up, and all the outside influences seem to echo these words and thoughts all the way down to the actions of others and even the damn weather dumps on you? Where it gets to the point where nothing goes right and everything you touch turns to sh*t, and you just want to take an icepick and jam it in your ear until the noise stops and the pain ends???

It's been raining all damn day and I got soaked in the thunderstorm yesterday evening. I ended up with the grand sum of $4.32, of which I gave a buck away to this old vet, and the rest went to phone calls and todays coffee. I raided the Dunkin Donuts dumpster last night and there were only 3 donuts that were not ruined, so I had them for dinner and breakfast. I was hoping to make enough to wash a load of clothes and find somewhere to bathe, didn't happen. I can't reach Rachel's mother on the phone so I have not seen her, and I don't even know where I going to sleep tonight since the roof is leaking again. It's pouring again, but I've got to get outside and try to find some cash.....sorry to dump on you all like this.........but it's either this or run screaming off the top floor of a building and hoping it's all a bad dream and that I wake up before hitting bottom...either way the pain ends....see you later......I hope....lol....................Dave

"Voices Carry.........[.'til Tuesday].................."

Good Afternoon;

I made it out to the Towson library after all, so I thought I'd get a quick 'fix' to carry me through tomorrow, Memorial Day.

I've got a feeling it's gonna be a rough day, I feel a bit of the 'cloud' of depression descending, and I know that no one I know is going to be around, it's one of those 'family gathering' holidays. I'd find a bar and join all the other barflys, but usually they are old veterans, and this is their one of three days a year to shine, (the others being Veterans Day and Independence Day)....LOL....(and God Bless 'em they deserve it.)

I'm going out to the corner tomorrow, and 25% of whatever I get goes to the NCHV,..(see yesterdays posts), or more if I get lucky with a big gift. I've been giving in an unorganized fashion, but I think from now on, I'm going to choose a different registered charity/cause each week and give them a money order. The clerk at the post office says he will not charge me for the money order and will give me free stamped envelopes for this purpose.

The horoscope in the Sun today said:

Pisces:

"Go out into the public eye in the coming week and stay out of..dark gloomy places..!"

I guess this means I gotta keep outta my own head!....LOL

(guys, guys!!,,,shhh, we'll discuss it later, I'm trying to type here......no ego you cannot slap id 'upside da head'..quiet or I'll start humming "Yellow Submarine" until you behave!!!)

Sorry, sometimes they just won't stop fussing.

In the Baltimore Sunpaper today, Big article on city cops not showing up for trials, sometimes because they just did not feel like it. Now if I get charged with an FTA and arrested, because of a clerical error and record falsification.....why don't they when they choose to avoid showing up voluntarily???

Silly Observation:

Yesterday at the Starbucks, I watched a group of 8 people arriving at the outside tables for some sort of meeting. They showed up in waves of 1 or 2 at a time and consisted of 6 black men ranging in age from about 17 to 40, a black woman about 30, and a confused white guy about 20. They each shook hands in some complicated 'secret handshake fashion', and elbow bumped and chest bumped, and one armed 'man hugged'..(even the woman..LOL), each and every time a new person showed up, they did it all over again..EVERYONE..EVERYTIME! and then the whole group had to wait while the newcomer went inside to get their coffee. I just started timing them out of curiousity, and it took over 40 minutes to just say hello............LOL..and then each time some one left..the whole process started over again. Now this is not that funny or unusual..until you consider that the meeting was a corporate...."Time Management Meeting"......................ROTFLMAO!!!

(Hey I was giving a personel inventory, not making any type of statement earlier, I've watched the "Ladies Who Lunch" and the over the hill jocks do their version too!.......LOL

okay ..........gotta go........Happy Holiday..........Dave

"What Price Freedom...........How do you place a cost on gratitude?.......""

Hey:

National Coalition for Homeless Veterans

www.nchv.org/donate.cfm

God Bless them, We owe them!

Have a wonderful holiday and enjoy the beginning of the summer.

See you on Monday, unless I hit the lottery big time, (then I'm, gonna buy a laptop), or more likely, I cruise on over to the Towson library.

.........Dave

"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?............."

Good Afternoon;

And a fine day it is for a holiday weekend, I wish that I had somewhere to go to celebrate. If I can find a ride,(no bus service available), I am going to go to the Md. Veterans Cemetery, in Garrison, on Monday for the ceremony, and to stop by my father's grave site. I hope I can find a BBQ, but it's not looking good at this point, everything seems to be family only this year, I guess because of the recession folks are downsizing picnics too. I can not get in contact with Rachel for some reason, her mother has not answered the phone, and since I am out of minutes and calling from a payphone, I'm out of touch. Since the Starbucks closed in Pikesville I have not had as regular contact with quite a few people, who could always find me or leave a message there. I would see Rachel at least one weekend morning for sure.

Speaking of Starbucks, I stopped in the St.Thomas store as usual this morning around 7:00 am. and when I went up to order my coffee, Michael hands me a gift card in a holder/envelope with my name in and said a customer left it for me, and that there was $3.00 left on it. Nobody there at the time knew who left it, it had to be between 11:00 am. and close yesterday though. Whoever you are, and I have 3 good guesses who are probable suspects,...THANKS!!, and if you are a loyal reader who just tracked my there from the blog...DOUBLE THANKS!!..(at least this time it wasn't an "upside da head" greeting.....LOL!

I saw my friend Chris on Thursday night at the Giant about 10:00 pm. as I was making my dinner and he was shopping for dinner,(both single guys, does it show...LOL), and he invited me over to shower this morning. Afterwards we jumped on the bus and went down to the Forman Mill's clearance store, if you need some solid color tee-shirts, 100% cotton, check it out...4 for $5.00!!!.. if I can find some cash this evening, I'm heading back...also..men's Jockey briefs,...3 pr. for $1.99!!!!!!!!!, that's about $10.00 off! and white crew socks...6 for $2.99/4.99...and everyone knows, you can never have too much underwear or socks and tee-shirts.......LOL!

I spent a while yesterday while I was writing the blog having an IM conversation with my old friend Heidi, (who is married to Terry, and they went together for so long and so steadily that they became known as 'HeidiandTerry'..[one word] for years BEFORE they were married...and it's been 30 years since the wedding......I guess it's not a flash in the pan........LOL), it's nice to regain contact with folks you love and be able to pick up almost where you left off. Of course there is a wee bit of catching up to do......LOL, but that should keep the conversation fresh for a while.

They live in San Diego and we reconnected by a Facebook message that started...."Are you the Dave who went to Milford Mill in '74......" This is the second reconnect I have made with Facebook, the other went the reverse, I was the one asking..."Are You...." and hooked up with my friend confidant and former boss and landlord, Janet in New Mexico. (that is quite a combination of 'hats' for someone to wear, take my advice if you are ever in a similar situation and DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, take it to the next level..girlfriend/lover.....especially when you both live and work in the same building, [in separate apartments].....you wanna talk stressssssssss!!!!....{Oh I better clarify, this was another relationship, Janet and I were/are friends not lovers}. Anyway, Facebook, by way of Jeremy may also have brought some of you here, so it's been worthwhile for me to join, even if I only look at it once in a while.

I left here yesterday and met my friend Longwind, who negotiated the acquisition of my 'bupes', so I don't have to be more than on the fringes of the drug culture anymore. That is a relief on many levels, first and foremost...having meds, but secondarily, I am relieved of the lure of the pull of the adrenaline rush that comes with making a 'scoop', believe it or not that is part of the thrill that comes with getting high, the danger and the subsequent release of endorphins when you successfully clear the area and feel safe. That can be as addicting as the drug, to say nothing of the needle.......if you are totally mystified by what I am saying...GOOD....KEEP IT THAT WAY!!!!!!!!!!!, just take my word for it that I'd rather be begging on the street to stay clean, than making the easy money I know I can get and firing up for free!!

Once again, and probably again later, I'm going to remind everyone that this is "Memorial Day" weekend, and we should not lose sight of the fact that our fathers , sons, grandfathers, uncles, cousins, friends, (and in some cases the female equivalents), and most importantly, total strangers to us, died so we can be here today. Whether you believe in the politics or not, don't forget those who made the sacrifice, sometimes not willing, but fighting and dying nonetheless. And remember also the firefighters and police who lost their lives on 9/11 and elsewhere.

Speaking of police, it's time for my daily rant against idiocy, ignorance and incivility in public service!

Last night about 8:00 pm I was on the corner, about to leave when a cop pulled up to the line of cars waiting for the light. I did not notice the car as it was hidden by another vehicle, or I would have laid down my sign and stepped away. I mean I'm not stupid, I know it is technically illegal to panhandle, and I am not about to flaunt it in a cop's face, ( I like it when we treat each other like a West Virginian treats his teeth.....'Ignore them and they'll go away'...........LOL). He gets on the PA and says, in a very sarcastic tone, "Hey, Homeless guy, find a place to be.", and I could hear him and the other cop cracking up at their wit. I waved in acknowledgement and bent over to zipper shut, and pick up my bag, and I hear "C'mon, C'mon, lets go lets go...", this is about 10 seconds after he made the first comment. As I began to cross the street on the way to the Light Rail, the light changed and he shouts out on the PA, "You're too clean to be homeless". Well I could not see the car to get the number or tag, and I could not tell if he was black or white, but he sounded white, and I shouted back...."You're too stupid to be a cop.....oops I guess we're both wrong." He was in a lane of traffic that was committed to entering the expressway and could not stop, and I really don't know if he heard me or not, but I kinda hustled to the Light Rail stop and got on the '..first thing smokin'...'' and '..got the hell outta Dodge'..!...LOL! Now the funny thing is, I'm wearing a tee-shirt that is damp with sweat and a pair of shorts the are ripped up the side seam 'halfway to glory' if you know what I mean, and i am sweating because it was in the upper '80s and the Sun had been beating down at a low angle. I was slightly covered with road dust, and personally felt very dirty. the part of this story that is ironic is the fact that the car next to me at the time was an unmarked cruiser driven by a fairly high ranking officer of the BPD, who had been talking with me and asking about my situation and my kid and had just given me a buck!

This is not the only example of cops acting like 'pigs' and deserving the derogatory title. I have talked with many folks on the street and in jail for stupid little minor offences that later were dismissed or not even prosecuted, and the result of police egoism and power madness.

I don't go shelters that are served by BPD as security because of an incident 2 winters ago, where a cop standing under a sign that said "All clients of this shelter deserve dignity and respect and will be courteously treated."

sees me walking past with a sports bag with the popular logo 'BUM Equipment Co.', and says "I see you've got your name on your bag" after another security officer pawed through my bag throwing out my food and all my writing utensils and my eating utensils without even asking if I wanted them disposed of or was I going to choose not to enter, which is the written posted procedure, now understand these were NOT contraband articles, just not allowed in the shelter for whatever reason. Another incident of the treatment of the homeless by some cops as less than human, is the bastard who threw me off a 7/11 lot (where the owners told me that it would be good idea to sit outside with my sign),and he said to get out of his area and go down to the ghetto store at Belvedere and Reisterstown and maybe I'd be where I belonged with the other garbage and started slamming his baton against the wall, and threatening to lock me up. When about 6 people, among them the store owner and a Rabbi confronted him, he let go of my shirt which he had bunched in his fist, and hissed, that he'd get me later, well I avoid that area now for obvious reasons unless I am with a witness of impeccable character.

And of course there is the foreign born woman cop who hates the homeless, and tried to cite or 'aggressive panhandling', which, as anyone who has ever seen me s patently a lie and a false accusation, as was the whole report she concocted and which was debunked by witnesses.

Now do not misunderstand me, I know that there are many good, and many, many more mediocre cops out there in Baltimore, but the bad examples, many of whom can be found weekly in the pages of the Sunpaper being accused, indicted, or convicted from everything from sexual abuses, to petty theft, to corruption,to falsifying and changing reports, to perjury (and being banned by the city's prosecutor and the state's attorney from testifying), to civil rights violations, to terminal stupidity. These few paint the whole force with a broad brush....and people who sit in high rise offices wonder why the 'majority population' and others at 'street level', who they see only on their drive back to the suburbs and exurbs don't trust the cops. Get out of the BMWs and Lexi..lol...and ride the bus and listen to the 'conversating'...lol....behind you, then re-read those news stories.

Again I reiterate, not all the cops are fools, I have been the recipient of gifts from cops on and off duty, and I gotta give a 'shout out' to the MTA Police, also known as transit cops or Metro cops, these men and women are consistently polite respectful and courteous, and seeing what they have to deal with on a daily basis, and the lack of thanks they get, (which is less than the city cops get), I gotta give 'em credit.

.......................................gotta sign off now..........more later.............Dave

"Deja Vu?--Presque Vu?--Jamais Vu?--Voo Doo?--Hoo Doo?--Scooby Doo?--Husker Du?........................Or........'Doobie Doobie Doo'.......?.."

Good Morning;

The horoscope for Pisces in today's Baltimore sun:

**A cheerful demeanor may attract plenty of notice. Your friends might keep you hopping with phone calls, impromptu visits, or a stream of ideas. develop new contacts through e-mail or the Internet.**

It seems to me that I've been saying and doing this for the past couple days, and having these things happen,..am I good or what?!?,..predicting the predictions! Maybe I should use my Psychotic, I mean Psychic powers to aid the forces of goodness and righteousness!.....

It's a bird...it's a plane...damn....it's a bird, any body got a

handi-wipe?

So I'm just getting a quick fix in because as you know it's Friday and the library closes today and tomorrow at 5:30 pm., and is closed on Sunday and on Monday for the Memorial Day holiday.

Time for me to get on my soapbox:

Please do not forget the true reason and meaning of this holiday;

Honor those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. America may not be perfect, but I'd rather live here homeless than be taken care of in another country and have no liberty.

Most IMPORTANTLY!! do not forget those who served and are now out on the streets, I think the biggest crime this government commits is the treatment of homeless vets!

I'd rather eat out of a garbage can if it means you'll give to a vet. gotta go........Dave

"Second Time Around......or....HELLO, Part Two...."

As I was saying;

I went out again this afternoon and just smiled and projected the same vibe of 'Que sera sera' and right off the bat it seemed to be returned, I guess the fine weather also improves every one's mood. I left after an hour because the angle of the Sun and the reflection off the cars was becoming painful and actually causing a feeling of vertigo and nausea. As I was waiting for the train this kid comes up to me and asks if I'd buy him some food. I asked him if he really wanted to eat or needed to get well? He told me he wanted to get high, but was trying to quit. I gave him half of my last 'bupe' and took him to the store and helped him figure out some things that would keep in the heat and were a decent value and would not get too busted up during travel. I bought him a bus pass from someone who was selling one for a buck and put him on the train. He had a friend who would pick him up in Glen Burnie if he was serious about getting clean, so I called her and arranged for her to meet him at the station. I wished him good luck and God Bless, and told him to do the same for someone else when he asked how to pay me back, he said,"Oh..Just like the movie!" Yeah I said..'Pay It Forward'. One of the 12 step maxims that I still practice and believe in is..'ya gotta give it away to keep it'.

So I still have some cash in my pocket and I'm not going to count it 'til later...kinda like playing poker...LOL...(Oh yeah, I forgot, I bought a Keno ticket last night at the gas station for a buck, and kept 'reinvesting' the $2.00 I kept winning every other game for about an hour and a half, and just when I decided not to play anymore..on my last game, hit for $25.00, so I've eaten decent today, paid a few small personal debts, passed on some of the largess, and put some away for Rachel. I am using whatever I have in my pocket tonight for dinner and breakfast and to search out and buy meds tomorrow. My friend Monkee is still dealing with her personal trauma, and the doctor at Jai is still out...oh well...WTF!...(that's street slang for que sera sera.......LOL).

I am really excited about an upcoming lunch that I have been invited to, I have been having an e-conversation for a few months with a lady, who shall remain Nameless, and have come to look forward to her comments, opinions, and the interest, care and concern she has expressed. She is a reader of the blog also. And get this...we met online on Craigs List...AND SHE'S NORMAL!........LOL. But seriously, I wanted to leave a copy of my poetry at the lobby of the building where she works, and she complimented my ingenuity. I was trying to keep a proper sense of propriety, because there were no plans to meet in our initial contact and ground rules, so I did not want to cross any lines. Well she wrote back and suggested we meet for lunch one day, not a Date, just lunch..(so I am still available ladies....LOL), but it works for me and my self esteem and ego. One of my biggest desires is to be trusted as well as liked, and things like this are an affirmation.

Also, you remember that I met Angela the lady who let me stay in her house and I cleaned a bit for her, well she sent me a supporting note wishing me luck in court. It was nice to know that she is still reading. there is also Mary, who picked me up at the train, took me to her house and let me bathe, wash clothes and fed me cheese steaks..(well her daughter Sam did....LOL). Folks like this are the reason that I keep my faith, however much it may waver at times, it is still enough to make me halt and take a breath, and then another, and one more, and so on until the desire to 'give in to giving up' fades to where I can take back control.

If only I could bottle and preserve for later use days like these, well if industry can trade and exchange "CO-2 credits and pollutant debits" back and forth....why can't I trade "serotonin credits" and "depression debits"?.....LOL

I'm going to sign off now while I am in such fine fettle................Thank You, for reading and coming back for more.....I guess I am either entertaining.....or I appeal to an audience of masochists....LOL..................see ya .............Dave

HELLO

Good afternoon;

It's the little things sometimes that add up to help keep me going. I was in the Starbucks this morning and Jonathan asked if I wanted my receipt, I told him not unless it was one of the surveys that reward you with a free drink for answering, and it wasn't. A few minutes later he and Erica presented me with a few of the survey rcpts., they said that a lot of customers do not want to bother with them but that the register automatically spits them out anyway. So I brought them here, filed them online and now have some free drinks in reserve. Thanks guys.

I was asked why I pay Starbucks prices for coffee when I could more for less at 7/11. Not so!! I pay $1.67 for a Grande drip coffee with my 10% Gold Card, (which is actually black..???) discount and $0 .10 off for using a mug not a paper cup, and as long as a balance is kept on a registered Starbucks gift card, (I had a balance of $0.04 for the longest time), refills are free. I drink about 5 cups of coffee during the course of a day, so my per cup price is amortized at $0.33@. can't beat that!

I left here yesterday afternoon, flat broke..no, I'm wrong..I had $0.32 in pennies rolling around in the bottom of my bag...LOL. I ended up having a good day, in only an hour, and only 7 folks stopping, I left with $30.00. I want to thank the guy in the SUV who almost crawled halfway out of the passenger window and talked with me about clean dates, the wished me luck and gave me a $20.00. Sometimes just emitting good vibes can come back at you, if yoy rememeber I was in a real good mood for no discernable reason, and I went out with the attitude of, ah well, it's okay, thae weather's beautiful and if I don't make any money, I get to look at pretty cars and girls, (I can be fairly easily amused at times..told you ladies..I'm a cheap date, and a good laugh!!). THEN, Michelle drove by..AND caught the light so we could talk for a minute...my day was made!!! Then the fella gives me 20! on the next batch of cars to go by.

I'm outta time see you tonight.Dave

" 'I Blog....Therefore, I Am'......or......'Who?..Me?'....."

Good morning;

So I'm sitting in the coffee shop this morning and this woman comes up to me and asks..."Dave?...who writes the Blog?"....and since she did not look like either an assassin or a process server, I answered in the affirmative. She then stretched out her arm and with her open palm slapped me on the back of the head and said..."Putz!". Well as you can expect, I was a wee bit taken aback at this, and I guess the expression on my face kinda showed it...(poker faced I'm not....except when actually playing poker..LOL). she burst out laughing and explained that she was a reader of the blog and a friend of a friend, (who both requested anonymity), and since she was going to be in Owings Mills, they decided to send me a message to remember to eat when I am stressed out........LOL.

She was in a hurry so could not stay, but we exchanged e-mail addresses, and agreed to all meet up sometime soon.

This added to the sense of well being that for some unexplainable circumstance I am enveloped in today, in spite of all the reasons I should be in the usual stress induced near panic mental and emotional breakdown mode.....(LOL). You know the usual suspects, this time they've joined a gang...(absolutely no money; not enough meds and 3 more weeks to wait until the only doctor at the Jai Medical Center who can write the scrip returns; out of all food for a change and no more Food stamps; this huge debt, and the $300.00 I need to find, {and the guilt involved...I acknowledge the, [NO..SOME OF] the debt, and want to pay it off..I'll expand and expound on that in a later post}; and the daily worry that I'll head back to the shed to sleep and it'll be locked or boarded up; add to that the latest health issues and last evenings episode; then there is the stress I get from having to look over my shoulder for the cops and someone about to stick me up when I am out on the corner.){Imagine Scotty from "StarTrek" in one ear shouting.."Captain I dinna think she can take anymore, the dilithium crystal agonna blow!!"..and on the other side, the Robot from "Lost In Space", chanting.."Danger, Danger, Will Robinson..Danger..Emotional Overload!!!"....LOL. I think it is because for some reason this month has been such an extreme swing between elation and confidence, and anxiety and depression, (and I am NOT Bipolar....LOL), that I've used up my allotment of emotions for the month early. So I'm in default position and my choices are limited to 'WTF'..or..mildly euphoric, resulting in an average of bland calmness, emulating a relaxed contentment, (in terms of art masterpieces, specifically paintings, think "La Giaconda, aka The Mona Lisa" by Leonardo DaVinci, as opposed to "The Scream" by Edvard Munch....[which is more usual]....LOL). I'd go for Manic, but I'm just too tired, it was one of those nights where my dreams and hallucinations kept arguing, and the noise kept me awake.

I had a e-mail today from the woman whose article and blog I referred you to last night, Janet Gilbert..( www.janetgilbert.net ), saying that she was familiar with MY blog, and had heard of me through a friend of hers. Hey, twice in one morning, confirmation the I exist!!! (DAMN!!! by inverse logic...that also proves that my life is not just one really long, really bad dream, and I'll wake up soon, Rich, Thin, And Happy!!!..........SIGHHHHHHHHHH).

I saw a cartoon in this mornings Washington Post; "Pickles", by Brian Crane:

Paraphrasing-

"LIFE is like a blanket that is too short, pull it up and your toes are cold, cover your toes and your shoulders are cold, the best thing to do is to curl up in a fetal position and try to stay comfortable until it's over!"

Oh Well..I'm going to go and try to get some cash to buy dinner with...(tangential thought-- went in to Giant last night after the library closed and the young woman who was in the Deli Dept. saw me and said that she was hoping I'd come by because she saved some of the ends and bits and pieces for me, which she was just about to wrap and price, [at $0.99/lb., reduced from $6.99-12.99 /lb.]......another RAK.thanks!! so that was dinner and breakfast....see I remembered today...my head still hurts....LOL)..and for meds, and to build up what I can for the court, I'm gonna do what I can and not worry about, what is....IS, and what will be...WILL BE!

I'll see you later.....and please....Somebody wake me when it's over!!......

.............Dave

"Chicken Soup For The Homeless Soul............or..........Like The Checkers Commercial sez....'Ya Gotta Eat!!!!'........"

Good evening;

As you may remember, I started this blog with the intention of showing my gratitude to those nameless folks who stop and help me out, with either money or other Random Acts of Kindness, all the new readers who are stopping by due to those little slips of paper I handed you at the intersection, to borrow the essence of a line from Budweiser:

"This Blog's For YOU!!".................Thanks, and the next time you see me stop and say hello, it's not a requirement to give anything, the smiles care and concern are a blessing too.

I just had one of those slap yourself on the forehead and exclaim, "I coulda had a V8!!" moments on the way home from Towson. Only in my case it was more like a, "I shoulda ATE!!!"........I was on the platform for the Light Rail at Lutherville, and I started feeling a little dizzy and lightheaded, and started over to the benches to sit down, rememebering the Blood Pressure spike that put me in the hospital 3 weeks ago. Next thing I know, I'm face down on the bricks and someone is saying, 'I know CPR' and rolling me over, I opened my eyes and saw 4 of the most incredible violet eyes I have ever seen looking at me with concern and a deep compassion, mixed with a combination of knowledge and competence, (turns out that there was only one woman, and I was still having trouble getting my eyes focused..........LOL).

I said I really didn't need CPR, and I'd prefer to keep my ribs unbroken at this time, (IF you are doing it with enough pressure to start a heart...you're gonna break at least one rib, [ask a paramedic]), but I'd be willing to settle for mouth-to-mouth, after she stopped laughing she said she thought I'd be okay, but wanted to check my BP and pulse etc. just to be sure if I did not mind. It turns out Becky is a CCU/heart trauma nurse who was on her way to work at a major internationally recognized teaching hospital in Baltimore City, (she requested the vagueness..but there are only 2 hospitals, with 4 locations ig anyone is trying to guess who................LOL). As she interviewed/triaged me to try to find out a cause, she asked me what I had eaten and when, to see if food poisoning was a factor....well after we worked backwards to yesterday.....it turns out I kinda...uh..forgot to eat, since last evening at Rachel's, and even then my stomach was in such aknot, it was only a some lettuce she picked for me that she grew in her garden. I tend to not eat when under stress, like worrying about court, or jail, or meds , or not knowing where to sleep, you know the minor stuff. She had a thermos of chicken soup and some crackers...how fitting!!!..LOL................Thanks Becky, I owe ya one, though....I still woulda liked the artificial respiration!

Another nice gesture was from the gentleman who saw me on the bus stop after I went to Rachel's and got my bags and sleeping bag. I was searching my pockets for something and he crossed the street and offered me his daily bus pass as he was finished with it, now this was a busy stretch of Park Heights Ave. and it took a good 10 or 12 minutes for him to come over and back, and I already have monthly pass, (Ialmost fely guilty for having one I told him and he laughed........LOL)

Okay time up and it's closing time.........................later........Dave

(I'm listening to willie Nelson's Greatest hits, circa 1981....man, I don't want to leave, but they won't let me sleep here.............................D

"To Be....'Continued'.......or............Y'all Come Back Now...Y'Heah'......."

Good Afternoon.....Again;

So..........obviously I did not get detained or remanded, of course with the recent occurrences reported in the news of cell phone smuggling and other contraband found inside the wonderfully safe and secure correctional institutions in the State of Maryland......????.............LOL!

I have to return to see the Master at the end of June with $300.00 and proof of medical status and documentation of pending claims and cases with S.S.

They want paper.......I've got paper!...4 years of lies, evasions, and excuses from D.S.S. and S.S.,...(and plastic film).....X-rays, MRIs, CAT Scans, Sonograms, EEGs, Ekgs, Blood Tests, Biopsy results.

Of course this master is really not concerned about any of that, all he wants is money paid, he more or less said he did not care how it was acquired, by inferring, (or is it implying, I can never remember?), that it was not his problem, as long as it was paid, whether I had a job or not.

He also gave me a card of a lawyer who does disability cases, pulled it right from his briefcase, right there at the bench, and said he wants to see proof that I called...Hmmmmm...see title of previous post.

Okay, it's too late to be able to get all the way back to Pikesville, pick up my bags at Rachel's mom's house and go down to the corner to try to start building up some cash...(you know that if I do come in with the money, he's going to tell me to bring at least the much each time, and from observing the frequency levels in prior cases, that is every one or two weeks. If I could get a guaranteed $300.00 every week, I would not be on the street. Of course things like that don't matter, when he asked sarcastically, where do I sleep in a tent or in an empty building, and I replied (with some heat myself), Yes, I do!, and he asked where and I gave him some details, it kinda shut him up for a second.), sorry side tracked again,..so I am sitting here in the Towson library again, wondering what I can accomplish on this side of town? It seems that all the places I need to go to will be closed before I can get there, or I don't have the need paperwork with me at the moment. Figures...LOL

Let's see....what did I do this weekend? After I signed off Saturday I went out to the corner and caught a little bit if the Preakness crowd on the way home, I must have caught all the losers, or the fact that bringing one's own beer was banned made for fewer generous drunks, i made enough to get some dinner, and breakfast on Sunday, and my primary objective, enough for a few days meds.

I had tried to hook up with the temp agency to work on the cleanup detail Saturday night, if I got signed on I could have faked it enough, and used a trash grabber to avoid bending over, to get through one day and night. They somehow had record of my dis ability claim in their records and would and will not hire me for any more physical work, and I don't meet the specifications or qualify for any of the office or lighter work. I also found out from some other homeless guys that this year they hired 100 less people than last year, due to the smaller crowd and the economy. I used to be a very profitable business that not to many people knew about, cleaning up after events, (ball games too, but they are usally locked up early on for long term), finding cash and converable to cash portable abandoned property. Oh well, maybe next year.

There was a body found in my stomping grounds Sunday night, I had an e-mail from a concerned friend checking on me.....Thanks Anne!, it's kinda cool how one can make a friend through the magic of electrons, and worry and care and feel hapy for them, and never have met,..(and through CL yet!)........maybe some day...........[right "merywidow?...]

I went out searching for them Sunday morning and then went to the corner for the better part of the day and tried to build up some money to make at least a token payment for today, obviously I did not, it was a slow day.

This is a copyrighted piece reprinted from The Baltimore Sun Online.

Gotta give credit where credit is due to keep it legal..(I hope.....LOL)!

( www.baltsun.com )

Time to come out of the 'crazy closet'
By Janet Gilbert
May 18, 2009
I happen to know a lot of people who are mentally ill. And I look forward to meeting more mentally ill folks every year.I'm speaking of people who suffer from anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and a whole host of anxiety disorders. Friends, family members, co-workers, bosses, service providers - all creative, productive, intelligent individuals whom I respect and admire. Their stories are not mine to tell, so I'm not going to have a big old Oprah moment here and divulge their details. But I am going to say that I have walked with the National Alliance on Mental Illness for the past three or four years in an effort to bring mental illness out of the "crazy closet." It seems the entertainment media is slowly getting it, producing popular programs like House, In Treatment and Monk. These programs underscore the fact that mentally ill people walk among us: working, having families, contributing, sometimes needing help. Just like any so-called average American. In fact, one could argue that the mentally ill are your average Americans. According to the NAMI Fact Sheet, one in four adults - or 57.7 million Americans - experience a mental health disorder in a given year.
And yet, there persists a stigma. If someone needs insulin, due to the medical condition known as diabetes, paramedics and teachers and police officers all know what to do. There is no shame factor that the afflicted person has to overcome just to ask for help. After all, the condition is not their fault; nor is it the fault of their parents' parenting. But let's take a moment to consider the individuals suffering from the medical condition known as major depressive disorder - a biologically based brain disorder. Here are just a few of the insensitive things that people routinely blurt out to those who are "down in the dumps:" Why don't you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, suck it up, put one foot in front of the other, keep on keepin' on, because God helps those who help themselves ... I could go on. But you're smart enough to get my point. Who wants to ask for help if it amounts to admitting a character flaw?In the past 12 months, I have learned of two teens in my town who have committed suicide - the third leading cause of death for ages 10-14, according to NAMI. Their pain was profound, perhaps exacerbated by a mental illness. Maybe, if we all come out of the crazy closet, we could extend support as a society to individuals suffering from mental illness and make life bearable for someone in the throes of darkness and confusion.When I walked recently with NAMI in College Park, I joined a team called the "Stigma Busters." I love this Howard County team because it was started by a friend of mine - a boy of 15 who was courageous enough to agree to be interviewed for a feature piece I was writing on the NAMI walk a few years back.The walk was exceptionally crowded, which was at once exhilarating and annoying. We were a sea of people, walking slowly, shoulder to shoulder in the drizzle. We will continue to march until mental illness is regarded just like any other illness. That's my dream - and it's no hallucination.Janet Gilbert, a freelance writer, lives in Woodstock. Visit her at http://www.janetgilbert.net/.

It struck a chord with me that is still vibrating! A couple words jumped off the page at me, and her seeming understanding and compassion of how difficult it is to make a 'normal' person comprehend the swirling screaming maelstrom that is my conscious and subconscious mind and thought processes and the almost impossible task of 'how' to express them to you.

I'm going to head back to Pikesville now, I may be back on this evening at the library there after I see Rachel again.........later........Dave

"Shake, Rattle, and Roll...........or.............Send Money, Guns, and Lawyers............."

Good Afternoon;

I'm here in the Towson library trying not to puke from anxiety, anticipation and worry, I go to court at 1:00 pm today.

I'm expected to have $11,898.00 in my hands.....I HAVE....$6.20, I'm only $11891.80 short............Well 'you can't get blood from a stone' as it is said,.......say a prayer the judge is reasonable, and practical, and maybe this time I can get some action from the State Agencies that keep dicking me around with stalling tactics.

I have been purposely spending as much time with Rachel as possible, just in case I get a 'vacation' from the state, Hey how about that race Saturday!, of course I did not get any money to put down until AFTER tha race........LOL!, story of my life, a day late and a dollar shor.

Al right I gotta go across the street and up the hill, I HOPE..really hope, to be back with some news this evening, if not, and I do not post anything for a little while, I want to thank everyone who has helped me when I was on the side of the road begging, and everyone who has read this little blog of mine, you are all amazing folks, God bless you . I especially want to thank my Starbucks buddies, for your support affection and respect. sanity is a fragile thing and you have helped the cracks in mine from spreading to un-repairable crevasses.

I want to tell you al about an article in the Baltimore Sun on Monday May 18th on the commentary Page at the bottom, by Janet Gilbert, titled "Time to come out of the Crazy Closet", please read it and consider the opinions and reactions on mental illness that you observe and react to.

gotta go................see you ???????...Dave

"Heart Of Darkness....................or The Elephants Graveyard"

Hey;

Just had a visitor from Cote De Ivoire (Ivory Coast), it was a referral from a Google search that really had nothing in common but a word in one of my titles. But Maybe, just MAYBE, some of those annoying African bastards who keep sending me e-mails in fractured English, about how they are bank managers who want my help in stealing money from a dead person's account..(it's amazing how many millionaires die each day in Africa with no heirs, I am seeing about 10 a day........LOL), will waste time coming to my site!!!!!!

anythin to spam the spammers!!!!!!!!..................Dave

"Aromatherapy......or.....'The Scent Of A Woman'.......aka.........'If You're HAPPY And You Know It, Clap Your Hands'..........."

Good Afternoon;

The air is so heavy, thick, gray, and damp, I swear you can actually reach out, grab a handful and wad it up and chew it like gum! 100% humidity and I feel like I'm back in Florida during season...(and I wish I was.....so I guess today I'm only suffering from a "Tropical Depression"....not the clinical kind.......LOL.

Hi Lynn, thanks for coming up to the St. Thomas Starbucks this morning, as usual, you've made a gray day colorful! Can you tell by the title....or was I too subtle?................LOL!

I went out to the corner yesterday after I signed off here, I had to keep shifting locations due to changing circumstances; first ,the Baltimore Fire Dept, (Engine 13 and Ladder truck ??, from Bolton Hill), parked on Mt. Royal and North Ave. and the firefighters spread out over the intersections with their boots as buckets, collecting for some charity or another, I'm not sure what. This is not a problem, I support these heroes in all they do and some of the guys have given to me, right off the truck even! But...the one woman who decide to work the curbside where I happened to be standing, exemplified the 'ghetto attitude' that infects Baltimore, a lack of courtesy and simple decency and civility. She walks up, literally! right in front of me and stands less than a foot away blocking me from sight. Now don't get me wrong, when I saw them parking the trucks and walking up I was prepared to surrender my space to a worthy cause, but to not even look at me, or say anything, or even to bother to ask or order me to leave is just ignorant. Like I said, I was leaving anyway, having collected about $8.00 or so. I got on the light rail and went to the Camden Yards stop, where 395 and Conway St. and Howard St. meet, I was there about 35 minutes when two Baltimore City police Traffic officers, who were sitting in cars on the lot got out and put on their safety vests. They had just gotten a radio call, and a few minute later here come 3 huge tractor trailers with a motorcycle escort and being led by limos and SUVs with flashing red and blue lights, pulling in to the stadium parking lot. And..right after that, form the other direction, a bunch of floats, for the Preakness started arriving. Well, I figured, that if these cops, who I had not noticed in their cars, had sat there and not bothered me, while I collected about $11.00, I was not about to disrespect them by standing right in their faces and panhandling. i walked over to thank them and let them know that I was grateful, and that I was leaving as a courtesy returned. I think I shocked them.......they were at a loss for a minute, then acknowledged my thanks and thanked me!.........LOL.

So I got Back on the train and headed north and got off at North Ave. again, and stood on the opposite corner for about 20 minutes, the FD was gone, and left when the wind picked up to the point where my sign kept folding up on it's own, I ended up with another $6.00 in coins.

I went back out to Owing Mills on the subway and missed every connection...LOL....took me 2 & 1/2 hours to get to the Starbucks, but I had books, and was in no big hurry, and the weather was mild, it was actually kinda 'relaxating'........(a word I made up, to compete with...'conversate', and 'observating', the first one is in frequent usage on the buses and trains, and the second is lifted directly from a police report.....as in.."I was observating from a covert locality, when I saw the alleged criminal subjective perpetuating the act of criminality in question, which caused me to iniatialate the aforemention search and seize her"..........I SAW a photocopy of this..REALLY!!!)..but I digress, so..I got to the coffee shop as they were getting ready to close, and after using the bathroom to scrape of some of the road dust...(you'd be surprised how must dust is kicked up and coats you on the corner), my new friends gave me some marked out sandwiches. This was right on time, since I had not eaten all day except for the 'dumpster donuts' from the night before. and I even had money to splurge on a BaskinRobbins ice cream.....oh I paid the price today, but every once in a while I just gotta eat ice cream! So I sat at the tables outside until 11:00pm, when the bus came and went to the gas station for my nightly 'last call' bathroom break...LOL. Of course I had to try a couple dollars on the Keno, my horseshoe must be rusty or something, I have hit a streak of, not even bad luck, call it 'no luck' this week, ( which has continued this morning), so I went to sleep in my 'shack'.

Hit the Starbucks this morning, and sat 'til noon, and came here to the library, and here I sit. I guess I'll try to catch some of the Preakness crowd on the way home, maybe I'll run into a bunch of happy, lucky, (drunken) winners.......LOL!!

and..thh thh thh thaattt's all folks......see ya Monday.....Dave

"Another One Rides The Bus.........or.......'Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On'........."

Good afternoon;

I woke up this morning feeling like 2 bags of dead mice. Between the sinus pressure and the excruciating back pain, and the swelling in my abdomen, from the liver problems,I kinda thought it was time to see the doctor, again. So after going into the Giant and using the facilities and dumping the pennies, that were all the money that I had into the CoinStar machine, and finding that I had enough for a cup of coffee, I hit the Starbucks, and then the clinic. I had only a short wait, (1&1/2 hours), and was informed..

"Your liver is really swollen, your sinuses are inflamed and swollen, and it seems that the deteriorating disks in your back are also.......and according to these answers, you're showing serious symptons of depression...do you feel depressed, are you suicidal?"....(real quote).

I replied, " Well, since I knew these things and came to you with this information first, looking for the reasons why, I am no longer suicidal....homicidal from the incompetence maybe, but I don't want to kill Myself anymore!!!"

For some strange reason this got me a very weird look!

The conclusion, "we need to run more tests", and the results of the last set I asked, "oh ..um..well, those seem to have 'gone missing' during a 'clean up'.............Yeah...............so I wasted 4 hours, not counting travel, that I could have used at the morning rush hour to try to acquire some money to eat and get meds with.

.....Inhale.....hold..........exhale..sloooooowly...repeat.

I had to cash in pennies this morning to get coffee (and still had to borrow one), because the $2.06 that I told you about last night went to this woman on the bus so that she could take her kids ti the babysitter's, so she could get to work. She had a disability pass, (she was on crutches with a broken leg), and the driver would not cut her any slack or give her a break to travel about 2 miles up the road in the pouring rain with 2 toddlers. Me and the 2 other folks on the bus came up with $3.50 between us so she could get a day pass for the kids. The driver almost refused to let her buy one, and was on her cell phone talking trash about all of us for some reason, I don't want to claim it was racially motivated, but in the light of the circumstances...well i'm just sayin'....

I stopped in at the gas station to use the bathroom and fill my waterbottle lastnight before trying to sleep, (insomnia has been a big, big problem in the last week, my mind won't stop stressing out), and it started to pour like the Flood was coming again. I was trapped for about an hour, so I sat and watched the lottery and TV, an acquaintance and Keno player, Gary came in, and when he hit for a moderate sized win, said there was an $8.00 credit on the machine, and he felt that I was about to get lucky, and the numbers I play when I have money were going to hit...well it was a lovely gesture, but the only luck I had was bad!, 8 separate games, 160 possible number choices, and not one of my picks came up...I'm glad it was not my money this time, but God Bless you for trying to help, Gary.

The rain finally stopped and I went across the street and raided the Dunkin Donuts dumpster for dinner and todays breakfast, I don't want to see the "Wizard Of Oz" for a long, long time...(I've had enough stale "Munckins"). Anyway, I've GOT to go find some cash,

I'm out of money,

I'm out of meds,

I'm out of options,

I'm goin' outta my mind!

Maybe I'll get afew bucks and find a bookie and win on the Preakness!

What???

"it could happen!!!"

Life's a bitch, if I don't check out tonight,...see ya tomorrow,

...................Dave

"Trolling For Owls......"

Hey;

Just stopped in for a second to check my e-mail, and since I'm here....

a few little bits and pieces that fell out of the nest...

Welcome to visitors from Portsmouth, England; Greece; and the Czech Republic.

In case anyone thinks I ALWAYS have good day on the corner, it's not all fun and games every time.....todays grand total...drum roll please.....

$2.06----from 3 different people----in 2 and 1/2 hours.

Tonight....."Dumpster Diving For Gourmet Garbage", I really miss the Starbucks, I could always get at least a stale bagel.

Oh and by the way.....it's raining ...again......another night of trying to 'sleep around the wet spot'...........LOL

Saturday---Preakness--"Rachel Alexandra"---# 13 Horse..an omen?

see ya ........Dave

Quickies

Good evening;

It's another dreary drizzly day, and I've not exactly wasted it, but just kind of eased through it. No extreme emotional highs or lows, or major swing between elation and depression, or excitement or boredom....Uh-Oh, I'm not used to 'normal' anymore. Well at least I have the continuing saga of, "As The Dave Turns", and it's cohort "General Anxiety", and that famous old gameshow standby, "Panhandling For Peanuts" to look forward to..........LOL.

It is actually not raining at the moment, so I'm going to head out to try to find coffee and food money for the morrow..

I am in a state of 'false calm' at the moment, because if I'm not, I'll be so freakin' stressed about going to court next Tuesday, and having no way in hell to raise $12,000, that acceptance and expectation, and acknowledgement of the fact that I'm most likely going to get locked up by the judge, is best served by imitating in ostrich. Embodying the ancient philosophy of......"WTF", Ignorance is Bliss.

Hey, I haven't and have no plans to shoot any dope, so I can handle most anything else...may not, in fact I am certain I won't like it...but...as I said..."WTF!!!"

see you tomorrow,,,,,,,,Dave

Rachel Eating An Ice-Cream At A Truckstop In Japan

Good Evening;

I've got to be quick, it is almost closing time, it's been a busy day.

Today was a very good day, first the Starbucks at St Thomas was filled to bursting with 'soccer moms'....(Shhh..that's my little secret...keep all those hot models in their limos...just give me an upper middle class divorced woman in a mini-van!)................LOL

And, it is Rachel's Birthday!!!! she's 5, what a fun age. I blew all my money at the dollar store, and got kites and crafts, and books, and so on...went for quantity, rather than one or two large things...and she had a ball going over each one. I have the most AMAZING kid!!

I showered, and shaved, and Yakira took the clippers and gave me a 'buzz cut', and I washed clothes. it was a VERY good day.
I even made it down to the corner and recouped my dollar store expenditure!

Now, back at the library for a minute.

Okay, did you see the article on the front page of yesterdays (Tue.) Baltimore Sun, and in todays also on the OP/ED and letters pages? About the backlog of cases in the state D.S.S. and federal S.S.I. systems?

I am not just blowing smoke, am I!

The part that really vindicated me was the confirmation of the attitudes and surliness that is experienced by applicants, as well as the waits, and the "LOSS" (wink wink) of documentation.

It Ain't Just Me!!!

Gotta run.........Dave

The title is a real song..cool huh!!

"H.-O.-W."........or........"Truth Hurts"

Hello Again;

Yeah, I got involved again on the computer, and never left the library, the optician is open 'til 8:00 pm., after I get to the DOLLAR STORE, and drop about $20.00 more on Rachel's presents (we're going for quantity this year, rather than one or two big gifts, luckily,there are alot of related small items she really wants), maybe it won't be too late to go down to Mondawmin Mall..(..AKA.=.MURDER MALL..)....but not TOO late....LOL.

I received an e-mail from a reader the other day that asked me,.. and also asked ME to ASK, some very searching questions of my self, and I am going to re-print it here (with the gracious permission of the writer, Jessica, [and for clarification purposes, I'd like to explain, who I DO NOT know]). There are relevant issues here that I have been looking at and into, some more, some less. There are also deeper concerns that require professional counseling and advice, that I am in the process of acquiring, now that certain medical and insurance need are currently being met.

I can honestly answer yes to almost all of the questions, even though I don't want to. Being honest hurts, but it is easier from a remove, here on the 'net, than in person, to an official. In some cases there is a slight misconception. In upcoming blogs I'll examine some of this in more depth..for now.............One woman's thoughts....Thanks.
"Do you think you are ready to be not homeless? I think one of the most important steps in making a change is admitting to ourselves what the barriers are. What barriers do you see to your obtaining a job and permanent housing? Are you afraid that you won't be interesting anymore if you're not a homeless guy with a blog? Will establishing your own household make the breakup with your ex seem more real, and more upsetting? Will it raise custody issues? Are you afraid of the crushing responsibility of a full-time job (I am, and I have one). Are you worried that your mental or physical health will make such a commitment difficult? (You can't hide all day on the days you feel shitty if you have a full-time job). Are you afraid that if you try and fail to get a job/housing, that you'll feel worse than if you didn't try in the first place? Does taking the steps towards getting a job and a house force you to step out of the role of being a victim, and into a position where 1. You have to work with people in order to get what you want, including probably putting up with some annoying shit? 2. You have power/authority/control, and therefore the responsibility to make hard decisions, that could turn out badly? Does working to get off the streets mean that you have to give up the fantasy of being rescued? Does working 9-5 at a minimum wage job seem too unglamorous and uninteresting? It seems to me that there is a good and bad side to everything. There is even a good side to being depressed and withdrawing from life. It's sort of a natural response that when all your decisions seem like they turn out badly, and your best intentions go to shit, that you want to stop making any decisions. You live in neutral for a while. I know what it's like to live in neutral, and I think you do too. But, at some point, I think, you experience this healthy frustration, where you want more speed than neutral can give you-- you want a more stable, more independent life, with more choices, more CONTROL, than homelessness can give you."

Pretty insightful in places, don't you think? It is not always easy to admit that some of my problems are still of my own making, even after conquering some extremely difficult obstacles, there is still an ingrained sense of inferiority, (which is in opposition to a sometimes overbearing confidence in my ability) and a Janus headed ego, at once both fragile and inflated. Even my multiple personalities sometime forget who they are supposed to be....just imagine the 'Family Reunion From Hell'............and you are the only one there!!....welcome to the inner chambers of my mind........LOL!

But seriously......I try to be honest in my admissions at least, and hopefully, will again be able to move on the next stage, (or step, if you are counting in that manner..as in 1..2..3......or Admit..Submit..Commit). She is right on the money about one thing, the frustration, healthy or not, culminating in a desire for change. I have come to realize one of my major faults is an all or nothing attitude, that is why, sometimes I seem so overjoyed at taking what may be considered a 'baby step' by some, hell...it is a movement, and a forward motion at that. Now I have to learn how to turn motion into momentum, I am way to familiar with the 'hamster wheel', I've got to move into the 21st century and ride the 'hamster ball! Okay, enough "psicko" analysis.

Hello to all the folks just tuning in, by way of the little slips of paper I gave you on the curbside....read some of the older stuff before you give up on me, some of it IS actually funny.....LOL

This is some thing I wrote 9 years ago, a couple of incarnations and re-creations ago.......seems to be apt again.

Truth Hurts

My honesty requires pain

To grow I must sacrifice

Healing calls for suffering

As resurrection folows death

If my soul is to triumph

My mind must submit

To allow my heart it's freedom

My body may have to be confined

In surrender I find strength

In submission I find faith

In dependence

I have found independence

In captivity

I am released

In chaos

I have found peace

DBC.............Pikesville.............1/17/00

It was written 3 months after getting out of prison, and then having to face all sorts of garbage from other's for doing the right thing, and paying the consequences for standing up for my rights.

The amazing thing is, another example of the benefits of someone who believes in you followed in the wake of madness.

I'm almost out of time so the short version of "The Gary Story";

I had walked in to a man's store with the intention and 'need', due to being 'ill' from heroin withdrawal, to rob him. Before I could begin the act, he started talking to me, as a fellow human, man to man, as an equal..and actually reached out and physically touched me, in affection and recognition of my humanity. Now this was 12 years ago in 1998, at the lowest point in my life, I am a dirty junkie, and no one had touched me, except in anger or aggression for years. The day before I had robbed a store, and carjacked a cab. abandoned after a chase by police and cabbies in East Baltimore, and bailed out with a bag of money and escaped, not knowing that the bag had a hole in it and almost all the money was scattering up and down the alleys I was dodging the cops through....I ended up with $28.00...OUT OF ABOUT $600.00!..I ducked into a 'friends' basement window without anyone knowing and heard his mother tell the cops when they came to the door.."They ain't no white boy here!!"..and slam the door. Little did she know! Barry went and copped for us..2 dimes of dope, a nickel of coke, a Pepsi, and a pack of cigarettes...(for him, they were the only bad habit I did not pick up on....LOL). So I am in bad shape the next day as I walked into 'The Fisheman's Net' Aquarium Store,(Gary was 'saved' and in the truest, purest sense of the word lives life as a 'Christian'.....as in "be ye a fisher of men....etc.") and the miracle that occurred by just being treated with some humanity, and being given a little work to do and a few dollars, allowed me somehow NOT to be dopesick...(and I was sick as a dog, when I staggered in) for over 6 hours, and to be able to go and hook up and get..'well' as it is called, and from that point on I did not, (up to and including the present day) commit another crime, other than at the time using dope to keep from being ill. Everyday for the next 2 weeks, I walked all the way up to the store for way down in the city, did some legitimate, though sometimes, obviously charitable work, waked back down to the hood and used just enough to not be sick again. On the 15th day, the owner of the store I robbed was for some reason on Belair Road, nowhere NEAR the location that the crime occurred! I was arrested and locked up, not getting out again until after I had been mandatorily paroled. I had called Gary in jail, he had taken my calls but would and could not put up my bail, which was a good thing because I was not completely spiritually healed yet, I would have ran. We lost contact when I was transferred into the State prison system, from the City Jail..aka "Castle Greyskull"... but when I was released, I went to his store he took me into his home....OH YEAH, I forgot to tell you, when we first met, during those two weeks, he took me into his home to bathe and eat, and escape the heat for a few hours, and there was $2000.00 and a passport with a picture that I could pass for with minimum makeover, lying on a counter in the bedroom I changed in..............and it was physically, and mentally, morally and emotionally impossible for me to take it!!!!!!!! We are talking about someone here...ME, who would steal anything not nailed down from anybody, and had, even from family.......AND I COULD NOT DO IT...AND I DID NOT WANT TO! ...to shower and eat and spend a night. I left the next day and wound up in a 'Prisoner's Aid shelter' for a few nights, (this was my first experience with a shelter, and the rats running across the beds and the jail and ghetto atmosphere and attitude remain today, which is why I avoid shelters unless it is that or death), and then went to the streets of Fells Point, until I had a room at the House of Hope, a Jewish recovery house. Gary came to visit with his wife, and came again to a Hannukah dinner for friends and family, (as did my best and longest friend Anna Marie, her husband and her daughters), I was praised to the heavens by both friends and staff, for my progress and support network. I am not trying to brag, but to let you see how this overly effusive praise..( I was just 'doing the right thing' in a group of people who almost..that is right almost,...(you know I do NOT mean you...remember the cab ride all the way to St Thomas Lane to the meeting that night, must have been a hundred people in a room for 60) [sorry personal note there...LOL] all of whom were using the place to rest and relapse, this caused as you can imagine no small amount of bad blood between me and them. At last, to the point...I was asked to leave on a trumped up accusation..(that later brought an apology from the person involved who did not know he and his family were being played, until too late!!)...in 2 hours!!! on the coldest night of 1999, a Sunday just before X-mas...if you know anything about Baltimore, you know that the buses don't run often, if at all on Sunday, and every place that could help was closed. So as a last resort I called Gary to ask if I could stay 'til morning and then look for another place, he said come on over and met me a few hours later when I came to the door frozen and tired carrying every thing I owned in three large 'Hefty Suitcases' as we called plastic trash bags. His wife took me down to the basement, put sheets on the couch, and said " you should be okay with these until I buy some new ones" I asked how long I was welcome, and she said "Oh, You're staying until it's time for you to go, you'll know when that is"!

Three and a half months later I moved into the apt. above the coffee shop where i was working in Fells Point..........In the intervening months Gary had bought me clothes, given me some beautiful Christmas presents, the keys to his house and had me drive his car on occasion! Oh Yeah...and what brought this to mind at this time...the glasses I am wearing now, 10 years later, (the backup's backup...LOL), Gary bought me!..All this from a man I was about to rob!.....thanks again Gary, and thank you Lord for people who do such....Random Acts of Kindness....with no expectation of reward or repayment.

Well, I just killed another afternoon at the library, and evening, and most of the night.........LOL.

Thanks for reading........Dave

"I Can See Clearly Now".....or........."True Colors"

Good Afternoon;

I was just sitting down to write and the phone rings, and on a hunch, (using up my last minute), I answered, it was the optician, my glasses are ready. Another example of trusting intuition, like when the lottery calls me. I usually win, well I do, I am working on an approximately 85% correct streak.....of course the minute I attempt to put down more than $1.00, or $2.00, or at the most $3.00, we all know that it's gonna not even be close...LOL.

So I am leaving now to go get them fitted and adjusted, I may be back tonight.

One, note I would like to insert, someone said something to me this morning at the coffee shop regarding the web page I promoted yesterday, http://www.returnvoyage.com/ , and my friends, 'Iokepa and Inette, that ticked me off. they made a comment to the effect, (leaving out the profanity, ignorance and violent references...[it's amazing how many people are on computers..who should be on Thorazine]), of {paraphrasing}, "oh great another group of lazy, useless, lowlifes trying to scam a buck, why don't they get a job and quit bitching, what do they have to complain about...". Well since 'you cannot reason with a closed mind' I took advantage to put into practice an old adage I was reminded of in a book I am reading, (an anthology called "The new Space Opera"..the story - 'The Worm Turns'), "Never Pass Up The Chance To Stay Quiet"!

I just want to state for the record, that these folks, my friends I am proud to say, are both; intelligent, educated, kind, compassionate, caring, spiritual and Passionate in their belief and their quest. they both had successful careers, which they voluntarily gave up, after being 'called' to perform these tasks, of educating, and informing others, and keeping alive the history of the Native Hawaiian people. I am getting nothing from this so I have no stake in the matter other than friendship, (and of course the deeper spiritual and emotional issues). Look at the site, read the excerpts from the soon to be released book.."Grandmother's Whisper", look at the section called 'the Ever Changing Page', and see for yourself..........thanks for letting me get on my soapbox, for this subject.....I know what level they lived at for 17 years to carry the message, NOBODY does that without something worthwhile to say and a deep belief in their quest.

later...............Dave