Saturday, July 25, 2009

"Hope Is The Thing With Feathers..............."

Good Morning;
As you have most likely noticed, there have been no posts for a few days. I have allowed myself to fall into a routine, a rut actually, that has not been conducive to writing, nor really good for my general health and well being. It also is exacerbating the cycle of depressive eating and the resultant weight gain...etc.,...etc.,...etc.,...........The ONLY good thing about it has been that it is food NOT dope!...(Although,.. the way I look and this point the "N.A. DIET" sometimes seems an attractive alternative)...(What...[you ask] the N.A. Diet?,.....that's where you go out and have a 'controlled relapse', i.e., ....go shoot coke and dope for 90 days until all the excess weight....{and excess!!} is gone and then go back to the rooms and get clean again........LOL!!!!!)......It works don't OD or go to jail........(HEY>>>LTFU!!!>>>>>>>I'm just joking!)
I have reached a point of 'not so quiet' desperation, circumstances have combined, (and the increasing sense of paranoia that is beginning to go beyond a heightened 'street awareness' defense mechanism, is saying 'conspired'), to place me in a position that I have not been in for a while. When I have said before that I was broke and at rock bottom, there was always SOMETHING that I could look at with some anticipation or reliance on. If one of the D.S.S. programs was expired, cancelled, or more likely, terminated due to the incompetence of some moron in the office or computer center of the department....(and it is not just me here saying this, read all the horror stories in the newspapers over the past year), there was always one of them active, or at least the hope that the pending case in the federal system would be settled at some point. And if push came to shove, I could always go out and panhandle, and to be honest, occasionaly, that paid off pretty well. But now, EVERYTHING is offline with the state and the feds, and no one can tell me why. Only one program (which I take the blame for..I screwed up) is legitimately unrenewed, the rest, are...'missing files', and 'were not responded to'....etc. Which is all bullsh*t, I filed, and got time and date stamped receipts for every piece of paper I ever brought in.

And as for the panhandling, with the anxiety and pressures of the courthouse issues that are plaguing me right now. The stress of looking over my shoulder all the time so as not to attract the unwanted attention of the police, is such that I cannot even stand out on the corner anymore, the physical and mental reactions are that severe and debilitating. (Of course now that I think of it, maybe I should stay out there like that..if I don't get shot or run over, I may get
(Or go out there first and THEN go to a disability advocacy organization of lawyer, or to those people who are never around when all the screaming in my head starts, and never get to see my "bad days". (Think of it in terms of that annoying problem that you have with your car, it works fine MOST of the time, BUT when the problem appears, it is serious and dangerous and ...'You KNOW it is there!', but everytime you take it to the mechanic, it costs you $250.00 for him to tell you there is nothing wrong, because the symptom did not occur at that time!!! Now extrapolate that to my mind and my body, and you can maybe understand some of my frustrations with some people.) It took me 8 years to finally get a doctor to admit that 'Yes, there is some sort of anomaly in your back, perhaps we should do some further tests at a deeper level."..actual quote.., and that for something that can be seen on long will it take to............nevermind.............if I go on I'm just going to lose it.
I'm babbling, sorry..I had someone here at the library set me off with their comments.
So, the past few days....I never made it to AnnaMarie's on Tuesday, I can't remember why, but I did go out there Wednesday evening, and got a shower and my laundry.
I also met couple of very nice people, Janis and Claudette, at the Starbucks, and had some lovely conversation for at least 30 minutes standing there while my freshly poured coffee got stone cold, because every time I started to walk away and go sit down, a new thread of conversation started up....I love meeting new folks that way. I had seen Claudette at the Pikesville coffeeshop on many occasions and other than nodding hello and smiling had not met her (and even though I was captivated by her smile and her style, could not think of a way to 'break the ice', [and as you know I don't like to seem to be 'coming on' to someone.]),. Well in this instance the tattoo on my right calf was the ice breaker. Janis (I think.....damn this short term memory loss*, asked me what it meant, and I told them...(oh yeah, you all cannot see it, it is the the two character Japanese kanji for HOPE, (it actually may be the verb 'to hope', but no matter, either way it conveys the same message), and Claudette...(see [*], asked, 'And how is that working for you?'. The conversation grew wings from that point and flew. I mentioned my blog and my situation, and gave them the URL. Janis read some of it and sent me a very nice e-mail, and has some ideas to share with me about how I may be able to make some money, as soon as I can scrape up $0.50...yes it is that bad...for a phone call, I'll call.
Thursday was spent burning up my cell phone minutes with D.S.S., (and I could not hang up and use the pay phone...once you do...forget it, you'll never get an answer......and this time THEY had called me, so I was stuck.........and of course I have to go in on Monday...AND!!??!!??....Tuesday. I did not go to the coffee shop until almost 1:00 pm on Thursday because I had to go past Monkee's to pick up a 'bupe',...for some reason it was severely affected by the humidity and had started to melt/dissolve, (it is a sublingual, so it's more sensitive than a pill that is swallowed), and I was only able to salvage half of it.
That evening as I was stopping by the bathroom at the gas station, as I walked past the payphone I slipped and stumbled trying to avoid a large puddle..(it rained like the Deluge both that morning and that night as I was getting on/off the bus), and I grabbed the phone and slammed into it trying not to fall. I heard a jingle..jingle.(again), and there was a dollar in dimes spilled all over the place. I had no cash so WTF, I put it on the Keno, and kept winning $1.00 over and over for about 14 games, on the last game I won $2.00, so I quit with that as coffee money for the morning.
On Friday I awoke with extreme back pain, numbness in my arms and legs, and was not able to get up right away, so I did not get to the Giant to wash up until after 9:40 am. and to the Starbucks after 11:30 am.
I left there around 3:30 pm. with the intention of trying to hit the corner, and the aforementioned issues whirling around in my head, but I needed to get some money for Monkee, to keep my credit and good faith in good stead. And for my own peace of mind, to do the right thing and attempt to acquire some money. I was on the bus to the Metro, when I was overcome by another anxiety attack, and I started feeling sick, (and as a result of the anticipation of the consequences of not getting my meds....began to fall into the psychosomatic trap of worrying about getiing 'ill''s a good 'negative reinforcement' technique for staying clean...which IS priority number one,..maybe, it sure ain't no fun........LOL), I made a phone call with nearly the last of my minutes, and arranged to borrow $10.00 from Neil, I have tried to keep my borrowing at a minimum, and only when I KNOW I am getting cash at a certain date, least now I have some leeway with the meds and a couple days of grace, maybe I can get out this afternoon, or on Sunday morning and hustle up some cash.
I am out of time and I need to get some coffee in my system, and some food..(from the "Dunkin Dumpster"!!)............I guess I'll see you Monday.....I'm going to try to change my morning pattern......

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