Quotation of the Day

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Wise Men Speak Because They Have Something To Say; Fools Because They Have To Say Something. – Plato (427 BC-347 BC)

Good Morning;

I've chosen today's quote as the title because the quote changes each day and does not remain with the post, (they are part of a service, not my choices), and also because it explains, partly why I have not been posting everyday. I am caught between the above sentiment and the proposition..."a writer......writes". If I was starting to see the changes in the content and getting tired of the same old whine, you all must have been also. And I see that the hit counter has reached 2,024 anyway, so I thank you for coming back 'in spite of'.......lol.
So, for now, here is a quick update on the day to day events since Saturday....:

{-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------coffee------------books-------------poverty----------------dvds-------------------------------worry-----------------------depression----------------------dumpster dining---------------------doubt--------------------------------anxiety-----------------------self recrimination----------------------loneliness-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------}

As you can see, it has been a thrilling couple of days, with an abundance of "Same Old, Same Old".

The high point was a phone call that I got Sunday, (and to which I owe a return......) from Janis, the woman I met at the Starbucks last week, we were only able to talk for a few minutes as I was running out of minutes, but it was truly gratifying to get a call from someone, who A) did not want something from me, or B) was not bearing bad news, or C) was 'family'....(my phone does not ring a lot for social calls.....lol). I said I'd call her back if I could scrape up $0.50 cents...and I could not....at this point the depression started kicking in real bad, and I went into a stage of isolation, just sitting in a corner and hiding behind a newspaper or a book, trying not to be noticed or have to acknowledge anyone. I could not even bring my self to go out and panhandle enough to buy some meds, so the anxiety of running out exacerbated everything else. This feeling of ennui has continued through to today, but now I am forced to go uot to the corner because someone stole Monkees's prescription of Buprenorphine, so where I was able to rely on at least a day or two's reprieve, I am now up sh*t's creek, AND this time without a paddle. I found all this out last night when I finally got ahold of her and wanted to come by and pick up a pill, since I had been out of mine since Saturday night, and withdrawal symptoms and the excruciating pain in my back were becoming unbearable. I had planned to try to wean my self and taper off completely, but the cessation was too sudden. I had contacted some folks from the NAABT support group, and they confirmed my suspicions on that fact. I had held on to two 5mg. Methadone for the past 9 months, that some had given me, trading the rest for the bupe on one occasion,. I am so glad I did, now I can at least go out and somehow find some more bupe (God Willing) this afternoon.
I am as close to giving up as I have ever been, when NOT in the grips of the suicidal depression. At this point, it is just getting to be way too much, and way too often that I am seeing a featureless balnk for the future. I've been coasting along eking out a minimally uncomfortable as possible form of survival, wanting more, and fooling myself that things would somehow turnaround, one way or another.
Now I have to wonder if this is all there is ever going to be, and maybe the best it is going to get.
I am going to leave now and try to find a way to get some meds, hopefully I'll be back..................................................Dave

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