Saturday, July 18, 2009

"Open Mouth..............Insert Foot?????........."

Good Afternoon;
Well I'm back and I did it again,
I was reading the blog of someone who I know, who read my blog and has met me a couple times, and whom I feel a certain kinship through some similar circumstances.
I really should have a delay function between the send button and the mouse...I tend to let my emotions and feelings drive the bus, while logic, reason, and common sense are all sleeping in the back seats. The same way I write this in.."Edit,,,I don't need no stinking Edit!!!!!"...poof!!!! it's published.
But...even though wearing your heart on your sleeve can lead to bruises, scratches, scars, lacerations, blunt force trauma, slices..dices..stabbings, contusions (and confusions), and even the occasional bite mark........I wouldn't have it any other way.
While preserving the anonymity of the recipient, and the initial inspiration, of the is what
LONELINESS!! and emptiness, and can make you say, if your heart and soul are directly connected to your keyboard.............(LOL):
"" When I read your blog, sometimes I cringe and cup my hands over my privates in fear of verbal castration, at other times I think 'what jerks these men are, and why do you always end up with such wackos?' And sometimes I allow my self to dream that if only I had the chance, maybe I could, in my own fashion, bring you the physical saisfaction, and possibly even pleasure you are seeking, in exchange for the intimacy and affection I am slowly but surely dying due to lack of.

Then I read Friday's post...11 little words that struck home and pierced me in the heart like a dagger made of ice, deadly yet numbing.
Call it empathy, sympathy, compassion, a feeling for the underdog, my own personal Christ complex...( where one wants to save the world, but can't save oneself), the common bond of a shared illness, or just one lost soul reaching out to touch another....
Hell, I don't know......., I don't even know exactly what I want, or, am trying to say, but your words touch and move me, and although we have only met twice and exchanged half a dozen or so e-mails...I like you, and feel for you.
You know my situation, and that I have absolutely nothing to offer, and you also know that I have nothing to lose or gain, intrinsically, which frees me to say things which I would never be able to in a normal social situation.
That being said, I am so, so, so, familiar with the concept of "lonely unto death", if you ever get to the point where the pain is too great to bear alone, I make no promises, but offer the hope that maybe 'a burden shared is a burden lessened', and that intimacy, with or without intercourse, will make the darkness a little lighter. I have only an imperfect body and a damaged but caring soul, and a scarred but still beating and loving, despite it all, heart to offer, if needed or wanted, and in exchange, as pathetic as it may sound or be, all I ask is some affection, some physical contact, someone to hold me, and simply be nice to me, and be there when I awake.........anything else is your call, and if I am a 'wimp' for removing sex from MY side of the table, so be it. Call it courtesy, call it non-agressiveness, call it fear of rejection, just don't call it lack of interest.
And if I have been too open, I apologize, and ask for your pardon, but hell I'm lonely too.
................Dave ""
I'm not exactly sure why I needed to share this, maybe subconsciously I figured that if I posted it for perusal and psychoanalysis, "Anonymous" would not take off running for the hills. Hell, I cannot afford to lose any more female friends just because they don't know how or are afraid to react to my overt emotional honesty, but what the hell we are posting raw emotion in a public forum, (she with a greater degree of remove than I, so their will be no hints or intimations of identity by me in this case), so I feel some justification.
I still need coffee, so........I'll see you all later, and if anyone wants to trade, lend, or donate some cash, so I can take Rachel out Sunday.............You know where to find me, and for those who are asking................"No, at this point I have neither pride nor shame left, I'll ask for, and take what I can get, and be grateful. I just won't solicit anywhere that would be 'off limits' as to my sense of propriety or other's privacy.......aka.."don't shit where you eat"....................................Dave

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