"A Deafening Silence Echoes Into ...'Eternity..Or..Oblivion?'......................."

Good Afternoon;

Monday at last,...

Long..(holiday)..weekends with no money and no contact with Rachel, places closed or closing early, everybody disappearing....etc., can be a drag. I just kind of muddled through this past one. The schizophrenic weather was no help either.

Just to keep things in perspective though, did you see the news item the other day about the Belgian man who was thought to be in a coma/vegetative state for 23..Twenty Three!!!!.. years.....but who was paralyzed and aware and awake and unable to communicate? His family kept insisting that he was not a vegetable and finally one doctor believed them and found a way to test him and then to enable him to communicate through a special keyboard. The man, Rom Houben, typed, "I screamed, but there was nothing to hear."

(See: www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/nov/23/man-trapped-coma-23-years )

When I was in the car crash that almost killed me in 1990, (Dec. 20th but who's keeping track...lol), I was placed both into intentional paralysis and a coma due to my need for for stabilization for a broken neck and back and TBI. ("Dran Bamage") I came out of the comatose state earlier than was expected..but NOT the paralysis...talk about fear and terror, it was only for a day and a half in my case, but I can fully relate to this man's experience. Unable to even move an eyeball or blink, much less speak with a tube in my throat, or just twitch a finger.

This article has caused me to take a minute and step back and realize that no matter how bad it may seem at the time, whatever I am dealing, or NOT dealing with right now....just how much worse it could be, and has been.

So I want to apologize for some of my whining. (Not all--just some............lol!)

Okay, in the Nov. 28 -- Dec. 4 issue of the Baltimore Afro-American Newspaper

(or see: www.afro.com/tabId/551/itemId/5399/Homelessness-Increases-in-Baltimore-City.aspx )

approximately 3,419 people are homeless each night in Baltimore, and the mayor is crowing about placing 250 of them in apartments in the past year. Screw apartments, with all the vacant buildings in Baltimore, many of which are owned by the city and are school or office buildings, what is needed is a simple 'rooming house' or 'transient hotel' type model. Clean and simple rooms, with a lock on the door, furnished or not, multiple shared bathrooms with locking doors..(NOT communal showers)..in the hallways, basic security protocols for safety.....etc. In the next year, easily a full third of the people on the street could be housed with dignity at probably a similar cost. A large majority of us on the street could afford to pay some sort of reasonable rent to help defray costs, ($10.00 a night maybe?, would cut down on the needed gov't. subsidies by that much). Once there is a place to sleep and leave one's personal effects, it frees up many possibilities for employment, training, or education. Enough for now, more thought later.

I'm heading out for my first cup of coffee and to try to find something to eat, I'll be back tomorrow or tonight maybe.....................Dave

"Words and Music....AKA....Song and Dance................."

Good Afternoon;

Well I made it through the Thanskgiving holiday and 'black friday', which was actually gray and windy and cold. I spent Turkey Day in the sleeping bag until 11:00 am. and then after taking the bus to Mt. Washington at the Starbucks from Noon ubtil they closed at 4:00 pm....what a drag....then I rode the Metro Subway for 16 trips from Johns Hopkins Hospital station to Owings Mills station..and back, and back, and back...you get the picture. I went in the shed about 8:00 pm. and read until the battery died. I lay there and thought about the things I am grateful for a while longer, and those for which I am not, and about how easy it is to use the word friend as a noun, and how rare it is to actually use it in action as a verb.

I'm not bitter, but my eyes have been opened, as to who really 'walks the walk', who 'talks the talk' and throws a couple bucks at a situation to soothe a conscience, and who smiles a 'cheshire grin' and then talks behind your back. And then there are the people who make offers or promises with no intention of keeping them, while swearing eternal solidarity....until you try to take them up on the offer...and all of a sudden they cannot be found.

later.......Dave

A Public Service Event......."Have Appetite........Will Travel......!!!............"

Be The Envy Of Your Neighbors!

You can be one people point at and talk about with respect and esteem.

When folks mention community service, compassion, and committment, it can be you they use as an example for others.

How, you may ask, how can I earn the high regards of my spititual advisor and fellow congregants?

It Is So Simple..Even A Child Can Do It!

Just by following the teachings of all the major religions and philosophies and the actual commandments of many.

By taking someone less fortunate, some one who may not have the benefits of shelter, security and sustenance you do into your home and sharing your bounty and gratitude with them.

By doing so, you may earn not only admiration and blessings in this world, but depending on your spiritual inclinations, "Heavenly Brownie Points", or a few extra punches on your "Get Out Of Hell Free" card!

But you say, I don't know anyone who is Homeless.......

BUT WAIT!!!

You do!!!

On a first come, first share basis, (or to be fair, honest and even handed if there are multiple invitations;..a 'time share' arrangement), I am making myself available to any and all who wish to mix happiness with humility and extend the hand of friendship.

Your children can learn that Homeless does not always mean derelict, and that in many cases they can have the same interests, values, and morals as someone less affluent. (It may also count as credit towards the mandatory community service needed for graduation)

The dietary needs and table manners of the Homeless visitor are much the same as your own, (though he may request a few extra moments to take advantage of the opportunity to use the washroom and facilities, so as to feel presentable in the face of company).

Just think, you too can celebrate Thanksgiving in the true spirit in which it is meant to be observed!

(This offer is also available throughout the year for other holidays, and even 'just for today')

If You are interested in participating in this opportunity....

well you KNOW where to pick me up or leave a message...(just think Coffee...and our first President...and exercise the old logic muscle...lol).

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

..Dave

"Happy Birdie 2 Ewe.........."

Good Morning;

So, A Year and a Day, sounds kind of like a sentence being handed down..lol...but it is the anniversary of my first post from last year when I started this blog.

Just for sh*t's and giggles, (and to fill space, [I'm learning.]..lol), here it is again:

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

First Post
Welcome to my World
My name is Dave C. and I am currently homeless on the streets of Baltimore, Maryland
hence, the cute title to the blog. This is my first experience blogging and is being done at the public library computers, so the entries may be a bit erratic in coming. I just wanted to record my journey through homelessness and my thoughts on life. I have actually found so much more kindness and compassion than I ever would have expected, sometimes in the strangest places and from the least expected sources. I hope anyone who reads this will be entertained and possibly informed as to some of the realities of Life on the Street from my viewpoint. I am out of computer time ...more later....... Dave

It has been an up and down year, and I am not going to repeat it all here when it is available easily enough in the archives to your left. I will say that without having this forum to vent, whine, observe, comment, psychoanalyze, be ironic, sardonic, and moronic, as needed, it would have been a much worse off year for me.

I thank all of you.

Today....

I thought this damn rain and fog were supposed to end yesterday, it is really messing with my depression. I have no energy and/or desire to even move. The only reason I have gotten up in the past 2 days has been bladder pressure and back pain, and I Could..(but resisted)..have just taken more of the bupe for the pain, (but the I would have had to deal with being out on the holiday, and that feels too much like old addictive behaviors, and I do not want to go there).

It has been a few days where the extreme ups of being with my daughters have been slowly but steadily eroded by the mental and emotional pressure of the upcoming holidays and the physical sense of isolation this time of year can bring on, exacerbated by this damn grayness that keeps my SAD active. The fact that I HAVE to get up, and pack up, and get dressed and go out,.. even to just go to the bathroom, that I cannot just lay there and read if the battery is not charged on the light source I am using, (and it only holds a 2 hour charge), and the sound of all the drips and leaks surrounding me, don't help a bit.

It has been the type of morning that is conducive to a 'Rock Star Breakfast Platter', (alternately known as, 'the Faded, Jaded Movie Star Special'), a simple B&B........Booze an Barbituates.......meal, and a nice long 'Dirt Nap'.

I'm going to go and overdose on coffee at the Starbucks instead, I don't want to ruin the day for the Birthday Blog....lol.

I am getting tired of turkey!!! With the holiday coming up, all the leftover sandwiches have been turkey, no one wants to burn out too early...lol! And I still have 2 more left, and there is tonights markouts to go yet. (Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful to have them, I'm just being ironic...lol. And there has been no fried chicken available either, it has been inedible and trashed or just nothing in the dumpster that particular evening for the past few weeks....the geniuses may finally figured out how to cook a partial batch...lol). I'm hoping for a few breakfast sandwiches...."Yummmmmm..pork products!!"....or making a few bucks on the corner this evening..(if the rain lets up enough, and I can beat the 'junkie crew' to the spot), or on Thanksgiving Day, (unless I get an invitation somewhere...HINT...HINT....and yes I would love some turkey...lol, but I won't say no to any 'alternative' feasts....EXCEPT I'm not gonna do a vegan or vegetarian Thanksgiving, I sure as hell would not be thankful for anything there, and I may be an asshole, but I won't be a hypocrite.....lol!). Anywho, I'm getting lightheaded and dizzy ( well dizzier than usual.....), from lack of caffiene and low blood sugar, and I also want to get out and talk to someone......live. The library is closed tomorrow so I will be back on Friday.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful and safe holiday, remember, the roads are a madhouse, it is the most traveled day of the year for auto traffic. Please be careful.

I am thinking of going to the interfaith Thanksgiving dinner tonight at Brown Memorial Woodbrook Presbyterian Church/Kol HaLev Synagogue, if it is open to the public and not just congregants, (it should be, if they distributed flyers in the coffee shop), I know I said that I don't go to 'charity dinners', but this looks to be more of a 'community' affair open to all...who knows, I'll see how I feel at 7:30, if it is raining, and if I got lucky or not with donations on the corner.

I am going to be at the Mt. Washington Starbucks tomorrow as far as I know at this time, they are only open until 4:00 pm. though so it looks as if I'll either ride the train for a few hours or try to scrounge up a few bucks..( and this is ALL relative to whether I have any bucks or not, and how much)...and get a cheap flashlight and batteries and hit the shed as soon as it is dark, and read, after the DVD battery fades out. Though 16 to 17 hours the in the shed until the library opens on Friday does not have much appeal. It is still too early to tell.

I am available, if anyone wants me, for anything from just plain freindliness all the way to "shock value"...lol. You know where to find me in the next few hours and tomorrow too.

Thanks again...........Dave

" 'Lizards, And Turtles, and Snakes.........Oh My!!!'...................AND............'Giving Thanks Early'........................"

Good Morning;

So, another chilly, rainy, foggy day in Baltimore, the kind of day where you just want to pull the covers up tight around your neck and snuggle up to the person next to you, and lay in bed all day. Well I zipped the sleeping bag all the way up and pulled my hoodie snug around my head, and tried real, real hard to use my psychic, (Psychotic/Schizophrenic?), powers to cause someone to materialize spooned up against me....but....at around quarter to 11:00 this morning, after 6 hours of trying, my bladder convinced it just "weren't a gonna happen"! So I got up and went to the Giant, and then came here. Ah well...such is life. If it was not for the unrelenting hydraulic pressure of 'the call of nature', I would still be in the shed listening to the pitter patter of the rain on the roof,...and all the various places on the floor, the shelves, and the 'Rube Goldberg water diversion devices' I have arranged under the more threatening leaks..., of course the sounds of all that water and the fear of a "sympathetic detonation" type event may be what actually made me get up.....lol!

I had 2 extremely early mornings on Sunday and Monday.

On Sunday I was up and on the bus stop around 5:45 am. I went out to Anna Marie's to shower and do laundry, and with the Light Rail not starting up until after 9:00 am., (and only partially at that), I had to take the bus to the Metro station to catch the Subway all the way downtown to catch the bus all the way out to Lutherville, well over 2 hours for a ride that usually takes about an hour. After I showered and washed and had put my clothes in the dryer, we took our coffee and went to the Mars food store, where Anna Marie had some shopping to do for the football game later that day..(which the Ravens LOST...boo hoo!!!), and for her yearly daycare family party, and for the yearly party for the ballet program she runs. Now you have to understand, shopping with Anna Marie is like being in the Navy.."It's Just A Job...It's an Adventure!!", encompassing such things as pulling strangers into discussions while examining the labels of products for salt content, fat, etc.; having 3 way conversations while discussing the merits of one brand over another...when it is just the 2 of us there; and long convoluted explanations to the cashier..(who has no real interest)..as to why the groceries must be separated from the paper goods, and why things must be paid for with different methods, etc., all in her own peculiar style and manner interspersed with 'Anna Marie-isms', common words and phrases with her own little twists of pronunciation or definition. Sometimes the 'ditsy' blond act she portrayed all those years ago slips back in place unnoticed....LOL. As her kid's will tell you..mom can be "special"....in a good way.......LOL!

After we got back, I packed up my clothes and she dropped me back at the train and I made my way by train and bus and bus and foot back here to the library to meet Rachel for the "Critter Caravan" reptile show. We had a blast, and got to see, and touch, and hold, snakes and lizards and tortoises. She is so good and polite and well behaved, that the handler came back to her almost every time for a second chance to touch the animals, and complimented her on her decorum. All the other kids had to told over and over and over not to jump up and crowd in, and not to grab and pull at the creatures...(op/ed..skip it if you want....why the hell do all these 'frum' parents bother to even come in the first place if they not only ignore the man in charges instructions, but actively encourage their kids to bum rush him to touch the exhibits!!!,) ...We saw an 80 pound 40(?)year old tortoise, a 10 foot long 100 lb. python,..which we were photographed holding..watch this space in the near future!!... and some really cool and beautiful, and strangely named lizards...a 'Tegu', and a 'Blue Tongued Skink', among others. She was enthralled and had a wonderful time, and was a joy to be with. Afterwards we went to the Mt. Washington Starbucks on the buses, and while crossing under the expressway, she got the chance to throw a whole bunch of stones in the stream, and I got to play Andy Taylor to her Opie...lol...

as usual she charmed everyone at the Starbucks and we had a Polar Bear iced sugar cookie, they are so good, but messy. I had bought, (with Ashley's help, and 40% partner discount.....thank you my dear), a book for her called "A Years Worth Of Doodles", which I was going to give to her for Chanukah, but which she got then..lol...(hey I'm an addict...immediate gratification is a classic symptom....and seeing her happy...gratifies me!)... the book consists of 365 basic. rough doodles, that look like black crayon, and a lot of blank space and a sentence at the top as a suggestion, ie. 'What color is this butterfly' or "Can you draw this little girl a friend". She wanted to write her own comments, such as "this is rainbow fish', or writing Happy Birthday on the outline of a cake. She knows and can write all her letters and can sound them out when written down, she needed to see certain words, which I wrote on another piece of paper and which she then copied on her page. When her mom finally came she did not want to leave, and she asked if she could have the red pen I had in my bag which she was using, because it was 'special for her new book'...lol. It was an incredible day, and the weather was beautiful too......another reason to be grateful, one of the many that day.

On Monday I had to get to Monkee's early because I was out of meds and she had to get to work, so I was out and about around 6:00 am. on the buses and trains. Luckily I had $5.00 stashed for just such an occasion. I went to the Starbucks about 10:00 am and sat outside until it started to rain hard, once I got settled in at one of 'my' tables, (after playing 'musical chairs' half a dozen times, until the 'right stuff' opened up....LOL), it was raining steadily and I said, 'WTF...I'm not leaving to go to the library, nothings due until tomorrow, and I'm not getting soaked...I'll write tomorrow!'. I watched the end of "Abbott And Costello Meet Frankenstein", and read and talked and drank coffee. At around 6:30 pm Jenn and her husband Tom came in..Without Ed and Devin!, what a shock...lol..and a group of women started to trickle in and in and in and gather round our table. It was Jenn's "6 YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!", at her NA home group, the Monday Night Women's Meeting...'Healing Women'...(DISCLAIMER...as regards ANONYMITY..I asked Jenn, and she,..(like me)..said.."go ahead, I no longer have to hide or be ashamed") It was pretty awesome, 6 years clean..AND 'In Recovery!'..and for those who do not know, there is a big difference in just being clean. She was able to be honest, even with me there, and our up and down relationship. She has come so far..I am damn proud of her. And I am grateful that we are now on a somewhat even keel, and improving. That I have an opportunity to have a relationship with my grand kids is also a blessing, and that Rachel will again have more contact with the family is wonderful. One day I will relate more of Jenn and myself and our journeys in and around, and out of and back into each other's lives and NA. For now, I have to go and get some coffee and some food before I begin to fall out, I have a very emotional and joyful, but at the same time draining and stressful few days. Even though I am still battling this effin' depressive episode right now, I am filled with gratitude for what I do have and am able to do...I have been worse...MUCH worse, and even though it can be hard to both 'live in the moment' and 'love through the moment', it helps to keep things in perspective as much as possible and try to laugh at the absurdity, irony and stupidity that surrounds me. I want to thank all who have kept reading this experiment here for the past year, and please know that I am deeply appreciative of the comments and e-mails I have received....(sparse though they are.......audience participation IS encouraged people!!)...and grateful for the contacts I have made in this past year through this blog, both directly and indirectly. I hope that I have brought some humor and entertainment, and possibly some insight and enjoyment to your lives. If I have made one person stop and think or re-think about their ideas or pre-conceived notions of homelessness and the variety of people and personalities on the street, I have accomplished a part of what I set out to do, believe it or not...ONE YEAR AGO........TOMORROW! You may not be amazed, but I am sure as hell am. The very fact that I have kept the thread of continuity going for a whole year, that! is a big accomplishment in my life, and maybe, just maybe, the hope that if I can do this while on the streets..who knows, if I finally get my ass in gear, what I may achieve. But I could not have done it if someone was not reading it, so you, Loyal Reader, get to share some of the applause....(or the blame..LOL!!!)

I am out of time............Thanks.........Dave

"Listening Post...........................AKA..........Inquiring Minds Want To Know..."

Good Morning;

It's sunny and crisp, not too cool, a lovely autumn day.....so far.

It's a good thing that it is cool out, or everyone and not just me would feel that the 'funk' in my e-mail address (d_funkwriter@hotmail.com) has a totally different context than the one I intended.....LOL!

I really need to shower, (do you remember the scene in "The Breakfast Club" where the 'basket case girl', played by Ally Sheedy, draws a wintertime picture and uses her dandruff to make it snow.....yeah well, if it was me..there would have been a damn blizzard!!....lol), and do laundry today, and my usual sources are unavailable, and I don't have the money to get a room. One of the reasons I do not like to go to the shelters or the missions, is that I am a 'solo', meaning that I don't have a partner or 'running buddy' to watch my possessions while I bathe,(otherwise things tend to mysteriously and spontaneously "dematerialize"). The other reason is because that most of the facilities I have experienced are pretty foul, except for the MCVETS shelter, and the time and effort needed to get a referral to there...every day a new one is needed from the Social Services branch at Broadway and North Ave. and Harford Rd. on the East Side...(unless you are a veteran)and having to get up at 4:30 am., is just not worth it.

I am e-mailing my friend Anne and asking her if she has an old dog leash laying around. That way she can take me over to DOGMA, the new pet supplies store at Mt.Washington, clip on the lead, and we can use the "Doggie Wash". I'll just tell them I am a rare breed, a cross between a 'Hibernian Ale Hound' and an 'Albino North African Bagel Beagle'. It's either that or the self service car wash....which may be a better idea in the colder weather, they've got those super sized blow dryers!....LOL!

Last night at the Starbucks, Allan came by for a while and we caught up on the past week. As we were sitting there I was kind of half innocently, half intentionally eavesdropping on a conversation behind me, when through the 'chatter' I heard a few key buzzwords...(just like NSA or the NRC and all the other alphabet agencies that only listen to 'foreign' communications intercepts...wink, wink..nod, nod...).....homeless, ex-inmates, did not realize what they face on a day to day basis, recovering addicts....etc. I wrote the address of my little "exercise in exorcism" here, and offered it to the woman behind me whose voice I was able to identify to a body, as a possible alternate source of insight, if she cared to peruse it. We ended up in a conversation, and as I told her the basics she asked if I needed any services, well after my experience at DORS and this increasing feeling of 'enough is enough', I answered yes without a second thought. It turns out she works for an organization near Johns Hopkins Hospital that I have heard of. She offered to help me get hooked up with a case manager who knows how to deal with the bureaucracy...which is what I have been looking for. I'm going to go down on the Friday after the holiday weekend, when she is back in the office.

I really have to find some cash today, I will be out of food and meds by tomorrow evening. I also really do want to shower today, (or early Sunday), because I am planning to take Rachel to the "Critter Caravan" live animal show at the library at 2:00 pm. tomorrow. If I can get bus money for her and a few bucks for a treat we will be heading to Starbucks after. If anyone can offer facilities, I would be extremely grateful, the only problem is that my phone is dead, and I will offline too. Well, I'll be at Starbucks in Mt. Washington if anyone wants to stop by or call me there. Even if you just stop by to visit, I welcome your company.

If push comes to shove I may have to hit the corner with my sign later, (it's been quite a few weeks since I was last out there), with any luck the 'junkie crew' won't be there.

Any little bit helps.

Okay, I'm gone for now....coffee time.............Dave

P.S. ........speaking of PS......anyone remember the spray called PSsssssttt: Hairwash in a Can?, seriously, it was a real product!

"Thanks,...But No Thanks[giving]....................."

Good Morning;

So it's that time of year again, when I am getting the same question up to a dozen times a day;.."What are you doing for Thanksgiving...(and soon to be: Christmas/New Years)?, Are you going to one of the free 'Holiday Dinners' sponsored by one of the charities?" The ones given by many churches, 'Our Daily Bread', Bea Gaddy's organization, even the city of Baltimore and some of the surrounding counties. I appreciate these well meaning groups and am grateful that they are out there doing this, and for many people this is a wonderful thing. But for me, and others I have talked to, (who are NOT the paranoid or delusional types), the atmosphere of forced gaiety and cheer, and at times the attitude of some of the volunteers, (NOT ALL!, by a long shot) but there are some whose self serving attitudes of...."you poor homeless wretch, aren't you grateful that I am here donating my precious time in such a visible manner, to be seen handing a plate of food to someone who I am unable to see the rest of the year,.....why are you not kneeling and kissing my ring.....".("And if I deign to give you a doggie bag and/or a charity bag of 'soap and socks'....don't forget to grovel..).

Please understand that the MAJORITY of the people who are there are truly and honestly compassionate and concerned, but there always seems to be that ONE person who is either a clone of Dennis Leary at his best/worst, or the epitome of the fur coated, martini in one hand, cigarette in a long holder in the other hand, arrogant and clueless, hated monster-in-law/step mother/mother superior aggregate depicted in the movies. {With the fake smile pasted on her face when everyone is looking}. {And for the evil head nun, substitute a crucifix and a well worn yardstick.....lol}. For the Disney animation fans like me, think any of the evil Queens or Cruella DeVille....LOL.

The sometimes palpable air of desperation that permeates some of these affairs leaves me feeling worse than when I came in. Have you ever been the only single person at a New Years Eve party when the countdown reaches Zero? Auld Land Syne takes on a whole new meaning doesn't it? That is a similar reaction to how I feel at some of these places. Watching people eat in a rush, sometimes because the operators of the dinner are trying to feed 'X' number of people in 'Y' number of minutes, and sometimes because the attendees are shoveling in the food as if they are afraid that it will be taken away from them, is not my idea of a festive meal. So, NO, I will not be going to a charitable dinner.

Now there is a big difference in the dinners given to feed the homeless and the 'Community Dinners' put on by churches for the poorer folks in their own community, and they also invite the homeless, but in most cases they are in/from the neighborhood. I went to one once and the whole atmosphere was 180 degrees from the 'do-gooder dinners', but...I was an outsider, except for the person who brought me I knew no one, nor any of the 'inside' jokes and stories.

I am much more comfortable just with me and a sandwich and a book, and maybe a bottle if I am in the mood. I am much more grateful for Rachel and Jenn and the Grandkids and, to simply be alive and not in someone else's control, [even depressed as I am feeling, and as f*ckin' broke as I am], than for the chance to eat turkey with strangers, in the basement of a church I don't go to, or some government facility with cops or security guards leaning up against the walls and making comments..'sotto voce'....HAH!....at the expense of the less fortunate...(sorry, but that is the 'Baltimore Truth').

When I was living in Florida, (NOT homeless, but alone), we used to have "STRAY PARTIES" on these holidays, where every single, (or couple), without family would have to latch onto another lost soul, homeless or not, to the house or apt. of whoever was hosting/organizing that year, eventually we decided to just use our bar, due to the size of the turnout and the availability of the kitchen. Every homeless person who came over the 4 years I was down there and involved with this said that it was the only time they felt the difference between humility and humiliation, and humbleness and being humbled. (And we had a very minimal screening process, it consisted of one rule...."You CANNOT attend if you are visibly and obviously drunk, stoned, or geeking out."....). Everyone else was welcomed in. (Not to say some of us did not LEAVE a little worse for wear......lol!).

I wish I had thought more about this sooner, well, maybe next year, God willing, I'll be in a position to present rather than partake.

Allright, I'm outta time today, I'll be back on Saturday. I'm off for coffee, see you at Mt. Washington's Starbucks.......................Dave

"It's A Family Affair....................."

Good Morning;

So...

...DORS...

Let's put it this way, it looks like you are going to get to enjoy these tidbits of mental masturbation for a while longer.

I was told that I needed to get some medical and psych issues addressed first, but it was not their job to help me with that, and they had no contacts or referrals they could send me to. Their job was only vocational issues..???? "Division of Rehabilitation SERVICES"..?!?!?

I'm not feeling like talking about it right now...more details later.

So it has been a pretty up and down couple of days, when I got to the Starbucks after my meeting yesterday, the door opened and I heard "DADDDY DADDDY DADDDDDY!!" and Rachel ran out. She and her mother were going to shop at Whole Foods and had stopped in just that minute to look for me. It's funny, I had almost stayed on the bus, planning to stop at the library, when the bus got caught at the red light and I decided to jump off and catch the train....synchronicity.

As usual, we had a blast, and I put the DORS and Court fiascoes aside for a while. Later on in the evening Jenn showed up with her friend Matt and we visited for a while.

I met a young woman who teaches at Fallstaff Middle School, and we got into a conversation. I had noticed on her laptop something about a Poetry Visualization project, and she explained that she was an English teacher and she was having her students illustrate their poems, since this is the only chance the kids get to do anything artistic, since there are no Art classes in the school. Makes sense doesn't it? The administration cuts out one of the few classes that the kids do like, and which may help to keep them in school?!?

She told me about some of the kids who were on a debate team and were about to debate the concept of giving vouchers to the homeless to counteract panhandling..(they may get either side of the argument). She asked if I would mind if some of them contacted me by e-mail and read the blog to get my opinion...I said sure.

I am of two minds on this subject, partly I am for it to cut down on the aggressive panhandlers, but part of me says, great...another way to make a do-gooder feel all warm and fuzzy as he says 'here you poor wretch, see what I am doing for you', taking away another shred of dignity. I also question the idea of where and how they may be used. Will there be restrictions on what they can be spent on? Who will accept them. Will they be anonymous or tracked.

The difference between having a few dollars of your own cash to spend,..and a voucher that everyone knows what it is and says that you are on the streets; is the difference between holding your head up, and not looking someone in the eye. The means of distribution can also be a denigrating experience if it done poorly.

Did you see the Sunpaper piece about the two homeless men, one a worker, one a client at Beans and Bread. They got into a fight over some ...SOAP!!!...and one chased the other outside and stabbed him. When I was at DORS, and told the interviewer I was homeless, he said.."so you stay in the shelters."

When I answered no, his face kind of froze, and his whole manner changed, even after I tried to explain why. From that point on I knew it was a lost cause.

Let me just state for the record...again...why I would rather keep what little independence and dignity I have left than stay in an 'Overnight Emergency Shelter':

Things such as the incident above, being robbed in the morning when leaving, having things stolen while asleep, having to endure a search of belongings each and every night..and not being able to keep any food or even pens or pencils, having to turn over any and all medications for 'safekeeping' and then having to wait to get them back in the morning. An Infestation of fleas in the City Shelter, trying to sleep amongst all the cursing and shouting....and that is the workers!! Trying to sleep in a room of 10 to 40 stinking, farting, sneezing, coughing, sometimes drunk, sometimes high, sometimes crazy men. Being woken up between 4:00 and 6:00 am. to leave the sleeping area and being herded in to a 'dayroom' like cattle, or having to just go outside. The fights. The attitudes of the off/on duty police who act as security. Need I go on?

I'm about to go get my coffee now.

I am down to to my last $1.79 and my last $5.00 in foodstamps. I have a sandwich and some pastry left, so I have food til Friday. I guess I have to hit the side of the road with my 'please help' sign today or tomorrow, unless I get lucky. I have not even tried the Keno for weeks, money has been that short. I have meds for the next 4 days so that is a relief. I am in need of a shower, and a washing machine and dryer usage, or money for the laundromat, I'm out of 'undies'.....lol.

Okay, I'm off to see the lizard............

If anybody wants to visit, I welcome the company, the depression has seemed to have stabilized at a moderate level and friends and companionship are craved...( of course so is a big wad of cash....lol),....you know where I'll be, at Mt Washington in an hour or so.

..........see ya...............................Dave

"Justice Has Been Rerouted...From Present To Future Tense... The Law Is So In Love With The Law...It's Forgotten Common Sense!"......Ogden Nash

Good morning;

As you can most likely tell, I am not incarcerated....yet.
It was a mass arraignment, that's it. What could have been done at the previous court appearance, or by mail, wasted the time of 30 - 40 people. Judge, bailiff, clerk, 2 sheriffs, 2 representatives from the public defender's office, and the woman who is the go between for Child Support Enforcement and the courts, plus all the defendants, some of whom lost time from work, and in one case a job.

All this just to be given courts dates 4 to 5 months hence, 'Sign here please and have a seat until your name is called', 90 minutes later 'All rise....yadda yadda yadda...', and then to be told that one has a right to an attorney, here is a form for a public defender, you can leave now...!!
So, I have breathing room until March 23rd, to somehow come up with SOME sort of solution. I really did not need all this effin' stress of uncertainty, that could have easily been relieved with just a dose of information. A few dozen of us standing in a damn daisy chain all around the perimeter of the court room, all mumbling yes, no, and yes again, then a mass exodus for the elevator....can you say..."Clusterf*ck" ?!?...(I've always had a certain affiliation with that word....wonder why.....LOL!)

At least a half dozen people who need to be able to drive to even GET!! a job, so as to pay their due, tried to ask the judge or the child support representative how to get their licences restored, which had been suspended for owing the state monies, and the only answer they could give was that you had to already have a job DRIVING to GET it back...The typical 'Catch 22', am I the only one who sees the futility of even trying to deal with these government morons??? 'We don't care that you could make $50.00 driving a big rig, go to work at a fast food joint and make minimum wage...(if you can get there from where you live out in the country). DUH!!!
Anyway, I am exhausted now as all the stress toxins leave my body. I am heading either to pick up my bag at Rachel's and then back to Starbucks...OR...Back to Starbucks and then to Rachel's to get my bag....lol. (And if it's option 2, I'll probably end up back at Starbucks this evening anyway).

I'll be back tomorrow after I go to D.O.R.S. at 10:00 am., we'll see if THIS agency runs on logic or is a 'Bureaucratic Mobius Strip'.

"Bridge Over Troubled Waters.............."

Good Evening;

If anyone saw the article about the man who was killed in a fall from the bridge onto the highway, and was just confirmed a suicide, (and may have related it to Fridays post...Thanks for caring...), it wasn't me!!

My friend Anne stopped by the coffee shop on Saturday evening bringing with her a lovely smile, a chunk of moral support...AND....a bag of socks...many thanks.

I saw Michelle today for the first time in many weeks....she stopped by for a cup of coffee between meetings with her students...which is funny, because the other Michelle, stopped by between meetings with her teachers...lol....I'll have to differentiate them from now on by Mme. and Mlle....(Madame and Madamoiselle)...LOL!

Does it sound like I am babbling, you are right, I am so stressed out about this damn court appearance tomorrow morning and scared sh*tless about getting locked up...'pour encourager les autres' , not that I fear jail in and of itself, but... being caged, and the fellow travelers one encounters is such a soul destroying exercise in futility and hopelessness, and it not very conducive to fighting my depression either.

I'll hopefully be back on from the Towson library tomorrow afternoon, but if not.......

.....see you when ever.......................Dave

At least I got to see Rachel for a few minutes this evening when I went over to pick up a piece of mail from the 'ex', which i wanted to show the court...and which she had lost.....greaaatttt!

"You Got To Suffer If You Want To Sing The Blues....."

Good morning;

One question.........

What if you DON'T want to sing!!!

.........Dave

"Cruel and Unusual Punishment vs. The Immaculate Injection..OR..Life Without Parole-(Inside My Own Head) vs. 'Gimme Shelter-(It's Just A Shot Away)'."

Hello;

This bout of depression has kicked me in the teeth and knocked me on my ass. I spent most of the sleepless night and early morning until just before the dark and dreary dimness that passed for dawn curled in a fetal position in physical, mental, and emotional agony. I got up and walked along the train tracks (CSX freight) to where the bridge crossed the expressway and stood there staring, mesmerized, at the traffic speeding past below for 90 minutes. I was brought out of the 'daze' I was in by the whoop of a police siren, as a squad car pulled onto the shoulder beneath me, and I found that I had been sitting with legs over the parapet and leaning forward. My first instinctive reaction was.."Oh sh*t, the cops.." and I rolled backwards on to the tracks and hightailed it into the woods, where I grabbed my bags and hurried to the train station (MTA), and got on the train and rode it for a few hours, trying to figure out what I had been about to do....or not do....?? Ideations...hell yeah; Plans...yes, and contingencies and back-ups; A Conscious Activation of Same...I'm really not that sure, either way.

Great, more f*cking confusion!

I am so damn tired....of everything!

Some of it is obvious, like sleeping in a broken down shed with no windows that still has enough light coming in to read by...and by extrapolation..if there is light, there will be wind..and cold...and in some places water, entering freely.

Having to carry around the bag with anything I do not want to lose, and having to leave some things hidden or in the shed because of sheer bulk, volume, or weight.

Other things, not so much to you, but glaring to me...all the 'white space' on any application filled out anywhere, for housing, job, or help. When you have either worked 'off the books' for years or when you spend years as a 'house husband', in a world that runs on documentation, you are a non-entity in the employment field, and an automatic candidate for the 'circular file', as you are politely, in most cases told, that there are "no openings for someone with your qualifications at this time". After a couple hundred times, is it any wonder you stop trying. Or because you are not missing a limb or an organ, or are not visibly..'dee de dee'...you are given short shrift because of injuries or disabilities that need doctors documentation to confirm, and which you have, but are old..so you are told to get new diagnoses, which cost money, which you don't have, and which the voucher that you get from Social Services won't pay for...so you are denied for lack of compliance, or not supplying documentation by a certain date....or when you do, it gets "LOST"!!!, and you are responsible for replacing it....anyone see a pattern??

And if one more person tells me..'it's all good' and 'God does not give you anything you cannot handle'..... I'm gonna friggin' snap!!!

When I walked out the shed early at '0 dark 30' this morning the rain had stopped, and it seemed warmer, when I walked out of the Giant, and still now, it was/is pouring...of course I left my coat in the shed and I am wearing nice thick absorbent cotton. And on top of everything else, last night the charger, or the cord, or the battery of the DVD player I am using as a light source, crapped out, and I do not know if it is going to charge now or not.

I'm out of time, I am going to get a coffee with a splash of 'dutch courage' in it, and maybe I'll see you tomorrow or later at the coffee shop in Mt. Washington to say..it's been fun............Dave

"Homeland Security----Security Blanket----Blanket Coverage---???......If It's Good Enough For LINUS, It's Good Enough For Me!..."

Good Afternoon;

First....the daily...."COOOOLLLL!!!"....

http://www.flixxy.com/ukraine-talent-sand-animation.htm

And...she is so heart-achingly pretty....lol!

So...it's still raining, and will be tomorrow too, and into Saturday,nice weather....if you're from the Pacific Northwest, the British Isles, the Falklands, Joe Bltxxyyllzzxxtkkppllkkxxx from Dogpatch, or clinically depressed. Luckily, the dampness, which has me in too much pain, and my anxiety over the upcoming court date, which is consuming most of my waking moments, both are keeping the depression to managable pre-suicidal levels......lol,(??).

I went out to the St. Thomas Starbucks on impulse today and ran into Rich who had this really huge and soft and thick blanket for me.

(You know, just like the one you had when you were a kid that was so big you used to cover the dining room table with it and make a tent that could insulate you from the reality that was the insanity of the rest of the family.)...(or maybe that was just My childhood, I just found out that the game is called ....'Hide'....AND!!!! "Seek!!!!!".....who knew?)(and that when other kid's folks asked them if they wanted to go out for a ride in the car, not only did it include a ride HOME, but they didn't have to ride in the trunk!)....LOL.

But I digress, I now have a blanket that not only will cover me and keep my feet warm, but that I can lay out under me and over me and wrap around me to the point that on the coldest days I could me mistaken for the worlds largest burrito.....or doobie....lol!...............Thanks Rich!

And in that spirit...check out....

http://www.blankettheworld.org/

Somehow this month I have not done well in the money management department, only 1/3 of the way through, and I'm down to $10.00 cash and $40.00 in food credit. I can still eat well enough, but coffee and phone activation are looking down. Ah well, I was looking to loose some weight and eat less anyway.

Okay, I'm not feeling like writing today....later....Dave

" 'Send Lawyers, Guns, And Money.....Take 3......(But Maybe It Would Be Best To Leave The Guns In The Car)..."

Good Afternoon;

If I had thought of this myself I would not have left it so late, but some just this minute said to me....'Why not ask your readers?'...so here goes.....

Hello loyal readers, among the multitude of dozens of you out there faithfully hanging on my every word or holding your breath in anticipation for each new installment, or even those of you who feel inexplicably mesmerized by this train wreck of a life of mine, drawn to it like flies to carrion......are there any LAWYERS, (nice segue...hah!) looking to do a little pro bono work, I could use some, advice, support and representation with the upcoming child support trial/hearing (??) in Circuit Court on the Tuesday,17th of November.....PLEASE...I'm kinda worried, since I was told the Public Defenders Office will NOT handle these types of cases.

And I'm pleading for a real lawyer, not a graduate of "Guido's and Nunzio's School of Law...and Unwanted Hair and Body Removal Parlor", [..not to denigrate those fine attorneys and solvers of difficult dilemnas..I have used their services on occasion, and have been completely satisfied, but their solutions tend to be toward the more 'explosive' end of the spectrum..], someone who can help me deal with the cluelessness of the court and the bench and those who have no concept of living on the streets.

This, I am NOT kidding about, if there are any lawyers reading this.

Thanks ........Write me,..via e-mail........Dave

"It's Not 'Blue Monday', Nor 'Friday The 13th'........Just A 'Gray Wednesday'...."

Good Morning;

Today is cool, gray, damp, and gloomy, and so am I. Whether it is emotional backlash or overload from the wonderful week I had, or just the

'karmic.."other shoe"..' dropping, I have no idea, but I felt the depression cycle start to sputter and stall in it's upward path and begin to drop and nose dive into it's 'crash and burn spiral'. It was just a gradual sense of gloom that began to pervade my thoughts and the feeling of being in an pressure chamber with the setting set to 'gradual increase' rather than a full bore, all at once overpowering slam upside the head. The incidences, acts, and events that would normally be considered 'triggers' actually occurred AFTER the wave or depression washed over me, so this is natural or organic, interior as opposed to exterior, or influenced.

I felt it coming on, and up to this point, other than a sense of melancholy, the only negative side effect has been to "self medicate" by way of Whole Foods....ie....Raspberry Blackberry Cheesecake with a Filbert Crust, Organic Chocolate Truffles, and Roast Beef so rare that you can't put the sandwich down because of the possibility of it just getting up and walking back to the barn!....Welll, it's all certified organic at least...lol.

My phone died yesterday, finally. I guess 4 years for a disposable phone is worth the $15.00 it cost, but with it went my flashlight, my watch, and ALL the phone numbers stored in it, about half of which are not written down.

AND a positive balance of around $8.00, which may or may not..(most likely NOT!!) be transferable. I bought a new phone last night, but do not have $20.00 to activate it, it should have had 10 free minutes on it, but?????

I actually have $20.00 but there are priorities involved, such as Coffee, Food, Socks, and a Flashlight and Batteries. I have the money to spend because I spent time with my daughter Jenn on Monday night and we went food shopping and did a trade for cash, which I had planned on using to take Rachel out, and to pay for my Meds and my arrears for Meds..(which WAS taken care of, at least in part. I am good for a week with my 'bupe', and no debt; I still have to deal with D.S.S. and Jai Medical to straighten out my blood pressure meds). I printed and mailed Anne her copy of my book of poems and amazingly it got there in half a day! I got an e-mail from Paul asking for some sizes of jeans and boots that I have to reply to and I also got an e-mail form Michelle M., pledging that we would never lose contact so severely again, and in an example of the beautiful synchronicity that runs through my life, like an underground river beneath an apparently barren desert, or a vein of gemstones or precious metals through the hardest, densest, most impenetrable rock, she told me that she also had been almost simultaneously thinking about an evening we shared, and a song that played that night for the first time, which I had reminisced about in one of the first e-mail we exchanged since regaining contact. So you can see how this slide into the valley of depressionland is a bit more manageable...at least for now...than the past few.

outta time..........Dave

"To Boldly Go.........................."

Good Afternoon;

If you are:

Prim...Proper...Prissy...Prudish..or..PC

DO NOT

open this link to YouTube.

BUT...

IF you have sense of humor and like to watch the "CLIO" awards,

check this out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRtIzKCqFFo

(Kudos to Janis)

Additional 'awesome' stuff from the past week...

(reference to previous post today)..

I:

Standing in Anna Marie's front yard last evening, watching the INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION as it rose above the horizon and then faded from view as it disappeared into the Earth's shadow! You don't even have to be a 'space geek' like me to appreciate this free show. I mean this is so cool, watching a man made object orbit the Earth, and there are people living and working, eating, breathing, and sleeping and farting inside! ....... 'Priceless'...(and you can see this on a regular basis!).

II:

Anne brought a self addressed envelope and stamps and bought a copy of my book of poems...(next stop today is Fed/Ex-Kinkos and the copy machine, then the post Office). Besides the needed cash, the ego boost brought about by her planning ahead to acquire a copy is a real high. (In another time and place I would have just given her a copy, [which is why it has cost me much, much more than I will ever make], in gratitude for the interest and apreciation, but.......right now, I'll have to owe her a complimentary copy of the 'Next' book...if I ever get it compiled and edited..lol)

...

Okay my train of thought has just derailed.....later..................Dave

"The PRINCESSES.....&......the Pauper...........................'

Good Morning;

Another awesome day (weather wise), to cap off a pretty awesome week (people wise). This past week, I've spent time with My daughter Rachel, Anna Marie and her daughters, e-mailed and chatted with my eldest daughter Jenn and received pics of Rachel and the my grand kids at the State Fair, chatted, e-mailed, spoke and then actually, physically, real time, live in the flesh!! met with Michelle, one of Rachel's namesakes, after a 5 year gap(and it was if we had only been apart for a minute), chatted and e-mailed with my other friend Michelle.

I was on Facebook, and chatted..(I was her 'first'...LOL) with my friend Anne, (who was working, but needed a 'sanity break'..lol), with whom I have been having an 'e-relationship' (platonic), for the past year.

[I had placed a bunch of personal ads on Craigslist about a year ago, mostly just for 'sh*ts and giggles', and out of a couple dozen responses, most of which were rude, crude, and lewd, (and I am not going to try to keep count of all the "dates!!"....aka 'prostitution' opportunities...LOL), I made 3 connections and of those three, Anne and I have continued exchange e-mails, and she reads the blog. I mentioned that I would be leaving to go out to Mt. Washington, and if she liked she was welcome to stop by on her way home. Turned out she was working from home and lives near the Starbucks....so we got a chance to meet. We (and Rachel) had tried once before, but had ended up missing each other in the hallway at the Hopkins cafeteria. When we met, it was so easy to talk and laugh with one another, since the ice was already broken through our e-conversations. I had a wonderful, lovely time, (and I think..so did she..[I hope...lol]).

The next awesome happening was that yesterday I went to the coffee shop way early in the morning, so that I could meet up with Neil, who told me last week that he is there on Sunday mornings from 7:00 am. to 11:00 am. working on his dissertation. Wellll, of course THIS Sunday he wasn't! (though I am making light here, I am sorry to say that his reasons were not).

So I spent the morning out on the back patio in the sun, waiting until the Light Rail started running and I could get out to Lutherville and Anna Maries's house,(...with shower, washer/dryer, TV & football games, and oven...). As I was looking out across the parking lot, I saw a familiar car with a blond head drive by. I stood up and peered at the license tag...and....IT WAS! It was Lynn!!!! My friend from the Pikesville Starbucks, who I have not seen but once since it closed, and lost track of when Towson Catholic High school, where she was a teacher, closed up also, which meant that her e-mail was no longer active. I hurried over to Whole Foods and stood in front of the door with my arms crossed and a sh*t-eating grin on my face. She did a double take and hugged me and we stood on the pavement, dodging shoppers...lol, and talked for a good long time. I got her new e-mail address and a promise to keep in touch. This is the woman who would slip cash into my pockets, sometimes on the sly and I would not realize it until later on in the day, sometimes overtly. When the weather was so bitter and dangerously cold last winter, she helped me get a room one night. It also turns out that she and Chuck, (her husband), live only a few blocks from where I did for 10 years, in the same neighborhood only a couple doors from a high school buddy..strange, finding this out 35 years later....lol!

So it has been a pretty cool week in one respect, and I am hoping to see Jenn tonight too.

time is up.................later...Dave

"Cold Feet...."

Good morning;

Nothing much new since yesterday really, except that I have progressed inthe past couple of weeks from sleeping;

outside the Sleeping Bag in shorts and a tee shirt,

to outside the S.B. in sweat pants and a tee shirt,

to outside the S.B. in sweats, top and bottom,

to inside the S.B. in shorts and a tee shirt,

to inside the S.B. in sweat pants and a tee shirt,

to inside the S.B. in sweats, top and bottom,

to inside the S.B. in sweats, with a heavier top with the hood up, and bottoms.

It was pretty cold last night, but I've stayed warm, except for my feet around sunrise, which is caused by a combination of piss poor circulation and sleeping on the 'pressure points', and my worn thin ,'religious socks', (you know...Hol[e]y). I have to get up to the St. Thomas Starbucks and see Rich, who may have a blanket in the trunk for me.I need to trade some 'food credit' for cash and buy some socks and also find a pair of decent boots for winter. I have been buying Target's house brand but have come to realize that the savings are not really worth it, they tend to make my feet sweat , then stay wet, which kills any heat saving properties they may have. Some things you just have to go 'top shelf'. I try not to be one of those people who.."Know the Price of everything....and, the Value of nothing"..

Which brings up a comment someone made to me the other day, about, even though I do my fair share of bitching, moaning and whining, I still have generally upbeat attitude, and a wicked sense of humor. Well, I told her part of that is a balance of fatalism and hope, but for the most part it is just trying to live as close to 'Normal', as I can afford and fake the rest.

In this case 'Normal' being a 'middle class, educated, with a sense of social conscious, urban/suburban' lifestyle. Kind of.....Spiritual, but with an appreciation for 'toys', the kind of folks who make good money at jobs they are good at and passionate about, not those who are passionate about the good money they are making. This is just a short generalization, and encompasses much more, but you get the picture, I avoid socializing with most of the 'street people' who I come into contact with, because that lifestyle and mindset is so damn destructive, and I have been there and done that. The same with MOST people in recovery who are heavily involved in the 12 step programs, it may work for them but, I had my fill. I'll take the message and move on, and I am not denying my material lack here, but only referring to the spiritual and emotional. If I am going to live in a cage..it will be of my own making.

I got MeatLoaf-'Bat Out Of Hell--III' from the library, and this is from

the song "The Monster Is Loose"

I've lived a thousand years in darkness

Banished all alone

Inside my mind with just my madness

Behind these walls of stone

I was falling apart at the seams

Holding my breath just to breathe

I tasted the sting of my tears

I was waking up stuck in a dream

Ran out of air, couldn't scream

Wasted away by my fears

Just to let you know what is going on behind the facade on

those days when 'Normal' is nothing but a distant mirage on a far horizon.

At times 'Cheerful Homeless Guy' only carries me so far.

Okay..outta time.see ya.........Dave

"From---'Everything But The Girl'..........TO...........'The Girl, The Gold Watch, And Everything'...........ALMOST......"

Good Morning;

Okay, who turned off the heat?

It's cold out there this morning! But that's okay, the birds are singing, the sun is shining, God is in his Heaven, and all is right with the world.

Okay, so I'm delusional, but WTF, part of my soul has been restored and my heart is full.....so reality can take a flying leap for a bit.

Yesterday, I went to D.S.S. EARLY!!!, and when I got there the waiting line was already up to number 146..(and that did not include scheduled appointments)..well F*ck that noise, I was not going to sit around until 3:00 or 4:00 pm...(8 to 9 hours...I told you I got there early).[See Baltimore City Paper, Week Of..Wed. 10/04/09..cover article....again, it is NOT just me saying these things!!]

Especially when I was going to meet up with someone who I can honestly say was one of the most important, influential, and intensely loved people in my life.

I met with my friend Michelle, who Rachel Michelle is named for, who I lost contact with 5 years ago, and feared I'd never see again, and who, of all the people who I have ever loved is one of the very few with whom I can honestly say I have been "In Love" with, ), we are talking single digit, one hand, in my 53 years.

Except for our individual separate experiences, it was as if it had only been a long weekend on the level of our mutual love, friendship and history. I use the word 'friend' alot because it is covenient and easily comprehended, and because there is no other word except acquaintance that I have found, and that is just a little to removed sometimes, but by the same token, 'friend' is a bit too intimate for some folks, but....

Now I can again honestly say that I have had 4 people who I can call "FRIEND!", with full caps, quotes and exclamation point, Michelle is one of them. To have her back as a part of my life, I feel alive again in ways I have not felt for many years..perhaps it is a SIGN???

Gott run...........Dave

"Happy--Happy-/-/-Joy--Joy.........................."

Good Morning;

What a lovely autumn morning!

I am just typing a few thoughts here and then heading out to sit in the sun, because tomorrow it is supposed to cool down more and cloud up, and I will be sitting in one, maybe two, waiting rooms at D.S.S. and/or JAI Medical...(I am just tingling with anticipation............lol.....NOT!!).

So..I am planning on how to set up an OPEN Blog, with access to anyone who wants to post, in reference to the Maryland Transit Administration...aka--MTA, to be titled;

"MTA......Make Them Accountable!!!"

A forum for people to relate their experiences to others regarding such things as;

Surly, rude, arrogant, ignorant, obstructionist, racist..(or age or gender), bus drivers.

Buses that leave the terminus points 5, 10, 15 minutes or more early, (or late, when the bus has been sitting there, NOT on the occasions when it pulls in late..these things do happen).

Buses that pass by people waiting on a stop.

BUSES THAT CONSISTENTLY IGNORE SPEED LIMITS AND OTHER TRAFFIC LAWS....AND NEVER!!!! SEEM TO BE STOPPED BY THE POLICE!!????!!

Drivers who do not wait for the elderly, disabled, or folks with small children or many packages to sit down or at least get a grip on a handrail, before speeding around corners, slamming on brakes, pulling off with jackrabbit starts..etc.

Drivers who will not answer when asked a question, or who will not tell the rowdy school kids, or adults, to settle down or move back, when they are all crowded in narrowest spot in the aisle.

Drivers who have conversations with their 'buddies', who are standing in the fare box area the whole ride, and treat you as if you are the problem when you can't get by.

Drivers who overload the bus beyond capacity and still stop at a crowded stop to pick up more people.

Administration personnel who do the scheduling and routing.

Phone operators who are sarcastic and expect you to know the details of the very question you are calling to ask.

And many other issues, most of which concern, simple civility, fairness, and respect..for passengers, and the traffic laws.

What finally brought this idea, (which has been simmering for a while), to a head were two incidents when I was out with Rachel yesterday. we were about to get on the12:40 pm., #58 bus to Mt. Washington. Rachel had a few leaves from a bamboo plant that we had collected on the way and which she wanted to take home and press in a book for her leaf collection. The driver told her she could not bring them on the bus, i said "You must be joking" and stared at him as if he were nuts, he got all puffed up and said "I'm not joking", so to avoid a hassle while Rachel was there, (oh boy if she hadn't been....lol), we threw them out the door, and he pulled off with a jerk as Rachel..who is 5.. was trying to take out the bus money from her pocket, if I had not been holding on to her she would have fallen, and you would not be reading this because the bus driver would be in the hospital, and I would probably be in jail. We got seated and were looking out the window and watching, when the bus turned off Cross Country Boulevard on to Green Spring Avenue there was a woman frantically waving her arms to stop the bus, this is in an area where there is no sign...(missing, run over..??)...and the nearest stop is at least a 1/2 mile or more up the hill, where EVERY driver will pick up a passenger..well almost every driver, this jerk blew by her at speed. Now halfway up the hill there was someone who wanted to get off the bus...where there was no stop...and the driver let that person off. Next was an older woman with a VERY SLIGHT!!! accent who wanted to know about where to get off to get to a certain address, the driver acted like he did not know what she was saying, and basically ignored her. When he did let her off, he was away from the curb and did not lower the front of the 'kneeling bus' as required, but 3 stops on down the road, he took extra effort to pull in close to the curb. The curious thing about all this is that in all three incidents that occurred, the passengers were White or Latino....anybody see a pattern?

I looked for his badge number as we got off, but it was 'conveniently' hidden beneath his lapel...hmmmm? Again, I was with Rachel, so I let it slide. I am hoping that this jerk was only a replacement driver on this route, if not...oh well...'we're gonna dance'..........lol.

Oh, and get this, the MTA has supervisors out on the road doing surprise inspections to see who is not wearing a tie....Don't get me Started on that one!

Anyway, I'm out of here for now.....see you later.......Dave

".....................No,....I Did NOT Forget To Tell You About The AWESOME.................."

I'm Back............;

The AWESOME thing that occurred is that I reconnected with some one who meant a lot to me in a very, very intense way, at a time when I was very vulnerable. This young woman was and IS so important to me that my daughter bears her name, to honor her. (Actually, all three of "Rachel Michelle Shalamith" names are honoring some one, 2 on my side and one on her mother's.)

I recently saw a name on Facebook, I thought was hers, (and do not ask me HOW, it was one of those, 'friends of friends of friends of', 'sixth degree of separation' things and I lost track of who was the starting point...LOL), and I left a message asking the "Are you the person who.....yadda yadda yadda" question and got back an emphatic YES! We've e-mailed and hope to meet up and catch up soon. I had feared that I would never see this person again...(more details MAY be revealed if permission is given, but if you really know me, and my poetry, you know who it is!), and it has worn on my soul..badly. I feel such a sense of relief and gratitude to know she is okay and doing well, enough that even if we do not again become as close as we were, just knowing she is well and happy will suffice, (though I do hope Rachel can meet her).

(One day I'll relate the stories behind the names, and which name is who...{Maybe...LOL..}...)

Now, to find the Other woman, and find the same ??? (not exactly closure, but a similar sentiment), I'm too tired to think of the exact word and I have to go out and catch a bus and a train, and a bus...and then repeat the sequence backwards...it's gonna be a long night before I can go crash in the old "Masonite Mansion" tonight.

I'll see you tomorrow..........keep those cards and letters coming....especially the 'Gift Cards'......(oops ...just call me Sheila....LOL.......that's a Baltimore joke.......look it up in the Sunpapers.............LOL!)

..............see ya..........................Dave

"The Good, The Bad, & The Awesome..................."

Good Evening;

It has been an up and down 24 hours, kinda like being an epileptic jumping bean...on a pogo stick.....with one finger in an electric socket. From, happy to pissed off, to elated, to humbled, to resigned, to annoyed, to frustrated, to mellowed, to truly GRATEFUL!...not neccessarily in that order, and sometimes even two or more emotions flaring concurrently.

For now, just the USA Today version....lol! I got some money, but not what I expected or needed; I was given a whole bag of pastries, (3 days ago which I am Still partaking of), a lot more than I expected; I washed clothes, but I had no place to shower; I said F*ck it and spent money I really shouldn't of on a room, because it has been too long since I slept in a bed...and the bed was so damn uncomfortable, I could not get to sleep, but I showered twice...just because; Iwent out with Rachel and had a wonderful day; I got a letter from D.O.R.S. with an appointment, the day AFTER I have to go to court. I have money for Monkee, and she is working until 8:00 pm. tonight, so I am going to be out late in the hood ...on a night of thr full moon....and I am out of time...........Dave

"Spam Scam Scum..........'

Good Morning;

Finally, a nice sunny day! I had to try to curl my body like an eel to avoid the multiple leaks that appeared in the shed this weekend. Did you know that Neosporin Triple Anti-Biotic Ointment makes an acceptable emergency caulk and 'drip channeling system'?...LOL!

Yesterday was spent at the Starbucks, from about 1:00 pm. until close. I layed around until 11:00 am., wanting to go to the library at 1:00 pm. but my back and boredom said 'get up and get out'.

I was able to get through the weekend with $2.32 by saving my coffee cup, (I forced myself to use paper, instead of a real mug....lol), and using the old 'puppy dog eyes' to get a "refill"..[wink wink]..on my card for free, and I had a bag of breakfast sandwiches that had been marked out on Friday that were still good. I have to hunt around for some cash that I am expecting today so I can get my bus pass and put some minutes on my phone and do laundry..(the cool weather helps to extend both the length of time between showers and laundry, that is a help). I thought I would be able to spend my monthly night in a room, but it does not look good at this point. I want to take Rachel out tomorrow and as much as I can this month, hopefully I can trade some food credit for cash later on this week.

Public Service Warning:

Be aware that some of these spam/scam operations are using your Facebook friends names to suck you into opening E-mails. I have received 2 different e-mails purporting to be from Facebook, saying "So and So has posted on your wall......" and it was a sucker ad. The one I was joking about in Saturday's post was NOT!! from my friend, but sure looked real.

Number 3,000 still wishes to remail incognito...no response yet....LOL!

I'm going to get out and get some sunshine and fresh air....and COFFEEEEEEEE!

.....later......................Dave