Friday, November 13, 2009

"Cruel and Unusual Punishment vs. The Immaculate Injection..OR..Life Without Parole-(Inside My Own Head) vs. 'Gimme Shelter-(It's Just A Shot Away)'."

This bout of depression has kicked me in the teeth and knocked me on my ass. I spent most of the sleepless night and early morning until just before the dark and dreary dimness that passed for dawn curled in a fetal position in physical, mental, and emotional agony. I got up and walked along the train tracks (CSX freight) to where the bridge crossed the expressway and stood there staring, mesmerized, at the traffic speeding past below for 90 minutes. I was brought out of the 'daze' I was in by the whoop of a police siren, as a squad car pulled onto the shoulder beneath me, and I found that I had been sitting with legs over the parapet and leaning forward. My first instinctive reaction was.."Oh sh*t, the cops.." and I rolled backwards on to the tracks and hightailed it into the woods, where I grabbed my bags and hurried to the train station (MTA), and got on the train and rode it for a few hours, trying to figure out what I had been about to do....or not do....?? Ideations...hell yeah; Plans...yes, and contingencies and back-ups; A Conscious Activation of Same...I'm really not that sure, either way.
Great, more f*cking confusion!
I am so damn tired....of everything!
Some of it is obvious, like sleeping in a broken down shed with no windows that still has enough light coming in to read by...and by extrapolation..if there is light, there will be wind..and cold...and in some places water, entering freely.
Having to carry around the bag with anything I do not want to lose, and having to leave some things hidden or in the shed because of sheer bulk, volume, or weight.
Other things, not so much to you, but glaring to me...all the 'white space' on any application filled out anywhere, for housing, job, or help. When you have either worked 'off the books' for years or when you spend years as a 'house husband', in a world that runs on documentation, you are a non-entity in the employment field, and an automatic candidate for the 'circular file', as you are politely, in most cases told, that there are "no openings for someone with your qualifications at this time". After a couple hundred times, is it any wonder you stop trying. Or because you are not missing a limb or an organ, or are not visibly..'dee de dee' are given short shrift because of injuries or disabilities that need doctors documentation to confirm, and which you have, but are you are told to get new diagnoses, which cost money, which you don't have, and which the voucher that you get from Social Services won't pay you are denied for lack of compliance, or not supplying documentation by a certain date....or when you do, it gets "LOST"!!!, and you are responsible for replacing it....anyone see a pattern??
And if one more person tells me..'it's all good' and 'God does not give you anything you cannot handle'..... I'm gonna friggin' snap!!!
When I walked out the shed early at '0 dark 30' this morning the rain had stopped, and it seemed warmer, when I walked out of the Giant, and still now, it was/is pouring...of course I left my coat in the shed and I am wearing nice thick absorbent cotton. And on top of everything else, last night the charger, or the cord, or the battery of the DVD player I am using as a light source, crapped out, and I do not know if it is going to charge now or not.
I'm out of time, I am going to get a coffee with a splash of 'dutch courage' in it, and maybe I'll see you tomorrow or later at the coffee shop in Mt. Washington to's been fun............Dave

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