"Anhedonia, Dysphopria, & Melancholy................................"

Good Morning;

So I guess some of you may have noticed that I have not posted any commentary in the past week.

July in general has not been a good month, it has had a few high points;

the day, (Tuesday the 5th), Rachel and I went to Build-A-Bear and lunch at the Greene Turtle being one wonderful day, and last night, (Thursday the 14th), when I went down to Fells Point to visit my dear friend, (and one of the women who Rachel is named after), Michelle at her new part time job tending bar at The Crabshack @ Captain James' Landing to catch up on the past few months. (Luckily the bar was slow and the crab deck was busy so we had a chance to talk as she worked filling service bar orders without any disturbances by too many pesky annoying patrons.....lol!)

And there have been a couple of lesser "ups" also, but between outside influences over which I have no control, a reemergence of the abdominal pain in my upper left side, and the still unexplained recurrence of the tingling in my hands, plus the usual money issues, and the rapid deterioration of the shed, (to the point that the door fell off and smacked me in the face and shoulder with sufficient force that the line used in jest...."ow.....that's gonna leave a mark!"....was no jest, and being able to answer yes to 13 of the 15 symptoms/warnings on the list below, (I'll leave it to you to guess which 13...lol), and by screwing my self by not being able to summon up the motivation to fill in and submit a mountain of paperwork of excruciatingly intrusive detail, (AGAIN, because the outreach agency that was supposed to have filed it online and mailed off the paper copy never did), and the enervating, energy sapping, soul sucking heat and humidity of all but the last 2 days, finding out too late that someone I cared for became very sick and died....[and especially some things I cannot mention in this forum]...well, it all built up to a point that damn near did to me what the Republicans are about to do to tyhe Government,...ie,..shut me down and brought me to a standstill.

It has been a shitty week to be trapped inside my head.

Definition: Depression

by Mayo Clinic staff

Depression is a medical illness that involves the mind and body. Also called major depression, major depressive disorder and clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave. Depression can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and depression may make you feel as if life isn't worth living.

More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness, nor is it something that you can simply "snap out" of. Depression is a chronic illness that usually requires long-term treatment, like diabetes or high blood pressure. But don't get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychological counseling or other treatment.

Symptoms

By Mayo Clinic staff

Depression symptoms include:

• Feelings of sadness or unhappiness
• Irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
• Reduced sex drive
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping
• Changes in appetite — depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes increased cravings for food and weight gain
• Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
• Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration
• Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren't going right
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
• Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
• Crying spells for no apparent reason
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

For some people, depression symptoms are so severe that it's obvious something isn't right.

Hopefully I've reached a bottom.

I called to get an appointment with my doctor, but 80 days just won't cut it, so I'm going to have to waste a day sitting in the waiting room as a walk-in sometime before the 10th of August so I don't run out of BP meds again. I'm tired of hurting with no explanation, and the S.S.I. fiasco and setback has me ready to give up and go back to begging on the street again. The only work I can find is either too physical and beyond my current capabilities, or in the one instance I was offered a job that I could do, and was really interested in, there is no way for me to get to it.

The one thing that has helped me retain what little sanity I have left is that there has been another run of babysitting dates needed by Jenn in the past few weeks that have helped to keep me out of the heat of the day, and in about half the cases allowed me to crash on the couch or the recliner, (the shed, after a 95-100 degree day of baking in the sun, retains the heat and stays an oven until near dawn, when the rising sun begins beating down on it again making it uninhabitable by 10:00 am., so sleep has not been anywhere near what is needed for physical, much less mental health requirements.

Anyway, being too hot in the shed to sit and type; and when in the coffee shop usually not in the mood, or busy eating, or distracted; and when at Jenn's usually too busy with the kids, too wound up or exhausted after they have gone to bed, or just not interested, (see list above...lol), I have not been posting. And this post shows in it's inherent incoherence just how tired I am.

Later.....................Dave