"Sunny Delight On A Saturday Night, ?????????????????................"

Good Evening;

I'm sitting outside the First Watch Cafe after stopping in the Giant for a jug of Sunny Delight Citrus Punch, for which I had a craving and is also a nice and easy way to both rehydrate and ingest a megadose of about 800% of the RDA of Vitamin C, which has been lacking from my diet in the past few days.....and though my eyes are such a pretty shade of yellow at the moment, it's not from too many glasses of Florida Sunshine......lol. Trying to balance spleen/liver/pain meds/daily meds/diet/back pain/jaundice/neuropathy/(and, I admit, probably too much coffee & the occasional drink or two) with a current way of life that is not conducive nor convenient to promoting good physical or mental health can be a struggle at times, especially when the depression is in high gear.

My best and closest male friend, Jeff, the nearest thing I have ever had to a brother, died on his couch in Florida in 2001, in front of the TV from sinking into a diabetic coma caused by not taking care of himself and not taking his meds. I used to say "how the hell did he let that happen, he knew exactly what to do....", and I never understood how an otherwise intelligent person could just give up and not be bothered and just let life slip away....

NOW....well, I not only understand, but I can empathize and see how easy and attractive it could be.

(And I also beat myself up inside for years with feelings of guilt, thinking I may have been able to do something to prevent it. When I got the news that he had died and his uncle and the police had broken into his house to find him 3 days dead, after at least 3 days in a coma, it came at a time when I had kept putting off or forgetting to call him for about the previous 10 days. Rational-irrational, probable-improbable...I'll never know, but that kernel of doubt still sometimes erupts into noxious bloom as a strangling vine of guilt and self recrimination, twisting and twining it's way unseen and unnoticed below the level of conscious thought, until in the toxic anaerobic atmosphere and black and hopeless light of the bottommost pits of despair and depression my mind is overrun by it to the point of wanting to punish myself for still being alive. Sometimes the feelings still surface to color and taint my world, and I find myself reaching for the Exacto knife, ready to begin carving more canyons and crevasses in my skin in a futile 'exercise in expiation' and the soon to follow search for a substitute for affection and caresses and simple human tactile contact in the sterile attentions and sutures, stitches, and staples of an hospital Emergency Room nurse and/or doctor.......................such is loneliness, such is life.)

[Ahhhh, yeah, welll.........THAT kinda came out unbidden, it's been that kind of a month, to the point of having a bottle of alcohol, gauze pads, and adhesive tape stashed away, ready and waiting.....just in case the old "mood elevator".....lol.....did get stuck on the ground floor!]

Anyway, as I was about to say before the demons started trying to escape,......again......, I was in the Giant and dropped into conversation with a woman also making a last minute kamikaze run through the store at 11:40 pm., 20 minutes before closing. My mind has suddenly clouded up as to her name, (well hell, after that last paragraph or two I think it is to be expected...! is it not?...lol), but I think it is Amy...(forgive if I goofed it up, you can comment at the end or e-mail me and electronically 'slap me upside de head' if you want...lol). We ended up walking and talking and sharing some similar experiences with ex-spouses [and spouse's ex-spouses], and their sick manipulations of the children in divorce situations, and the narrow-mindedness of certain segments of the Orthodox community. It was actually a pleasant conversation and I hope I run into her again.

I spent the night at Jenn's so she and Tom could get out for a while, and of course did not get to sleep until close to 5:00 am. and was up at 7:45 am., dozing in and out until I heard a whispered "what you doing Pop-Pop?" from the crib behind the recliner about 9:45 am., and turned to find Devin standing up watching me.

They all went up to Tom's mother's house in Monkton around Noon. I showered and half watched TV and dozed and left there about 5:30 pm. and caught the bus to the Starbucks, where I stayed until close.

A strange but fairly regular occurence there in that 2 different people there sought me out for opinion and advice on some situations in there life, regarding their recovery and sobriety, their love life, and major choices and decisions regarding jobs and or school. And not just petty things either, possible life changing actio ns were discussed. It is both flattering and 'freaking me the hell out' that folks who are well aware of my current situation come looking to me for answers....and seem to be satisfied and okay with what I have to say about things in their lives.......that are obviously not exactly copacetic in mine!

What's that old saying;"Those who CAN....do; Those who CAN'T....teach."......lol??

Out of charge on the battery,

Later..................................................Dave