Good Evening;

So below are excerpts from a series of e-mails and replies between Evan S., Editor of Baltimore Magazine and yours truly after yesterday's post. (He is in quotes)

We had been making plans to meet yesterday evening, prior to the post, so he could drop me a couple issues of the August "Best Of Baltimore" edition, but I was contacted by Jenn asking me to babysit because they needed to be at a funeral home for a viewing, and we ended up not being able to meet, (and I ended up spending the night at Jenn's).

"Hey Dave. Sorry to read about your lost $50. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been meaning to tell you that a couple of us agreed to chip in to pay for the other 50% of a Best of Baltimore party ticket for you. I’ll figure out a day to drop it off soon (maybe next week – we’re out of town this weekend), but I wanted you to know you got a ticket...."

It was just a comment on a pipe dream. After looking at the party's web page, I realized that there is no way I can attend. Not just the financial issue, but quite simply the attire/dress code clothing issues. I have one pair of long pants, an 18 month old pair of jeans that, while still in fair condition, are too worn to pass muster. My one non-tee-shirt is a nice, soft, black Hawaiian shirt with ivory, yellow, grey, and white flowers and highlights. As for shoes, the less said the better.

I can pull off the jeans and Hawaiian shirt look in the appropriate setting, but, business/cocktail attire is not feasible at this time, which is a shame, because I clean up surprisingly well................lol. When I made the statement on the Blog, I was not aware at the time of the more formal attire, (and was not expecting an opportunity to go). In a way I am even more disappointed and depressed.

Anyway, please thank everyone who contributed to the ticket. If you want to direct the money somewhere that it may do some good, my 'pet charity' is NCHV, the National Coalition for Homeless Veterans, (even though I am not a vet, I feel that it is criminal that these men and women are out on the street after their service [and sometimes sacrifice] for our country. Or if you want to keep it 'in house' in a way, in keeping with the already designated charity, give it to The Family Tree. And if you all don't want to go either of these routes, hell, I'm not proud, I'll take cash......lol.

"As a Best of Baltimore winner, you already get 50% off. We're paying the other 50%. No cost to you."

Oh, I did not know that, but it still leaves me with the clothing problems.

I need to think about this.....

And that is where the matter stands at the moment.

What a great bunch of folks at Baltimore Magazine, they did not have to do that. Even if I don't make it (for reasons practical, economic, or psychological), I am extremely grateful to them.

I'd like to go...hell yeah I'd like to go, gourmet munchies from the 'Best Of' restaurants, fancy drinks, rockin' tunes, a chance to mingle with some the 'bright & shiny' people of Baltimore and get my ego stroked and be patted on the head as one of the 'Best Of', (of something at least....lol, but it's a weird way and a different thing to be recognized for!). I'm just .....??worried, concerned, scared, paranoid, embarrassed, afraid-of-standing-out-and-looking-like a fool-and-being-ridiculed??....."G)-all of the above", when it comes to being the only one, [if I was even let in], wearing jeans and a Hawaiian shirt amongst everyone else in upscale suits and cocktail dresses. But at the same time, if I came in there wearing anything else, (except the beat up and cracked boots, or the holey sneakers....I've got no problem with 'acquiring' better footwear, since I need it anyway and it is a necessity, NOT a luxury, right?), it would seem somewhat hypocritical, wouldn't it? And it's all tied in with the duality of my personality, the intermittent anxiety and slight agoraphobia, the feelings of low self esteem and self worth brought on by the depression in it's 'down' cycle vs. the at times inflated ego and the facade of normality I erect as a protective measure at times.

Who knew an invitation to a party where I am part of the 'raison d'etre' and worries about a dress code could cause so much angst...................lol!

Anyway, I'm sitting here on the First Watch bench at 1:07 am. watching the atmosphere alternate between falling moisture of varying intensity and a saturated mist that is congealing as I write into a physical barrier that must be carved with a machete to allow passage.

This morning I left my bags at Jenn's and picked up a monthly bus pass and took the train to Monkee's to pay here what I owed and to Hopkins to pick up 10 days or so worth of meds. I ended up back at Jenn's until 4:30 pm. when I caught the bus up to Owings Mills where I sat at the coffee shop until closing then caught the bus back here, where I've been reading and writing since 10:00 pm.

I'm running out of battery, and I'm not ready to go check out the effects of the past 2 days deluges on the shed, so I'm going to read for a bit longer.

Later......................Dave