Sunday, June 24, 2012

"Praying I Wake Up And Find I'm In A Snickers Commercial With Joe Pescii....................."

Good Morning;

Well it's Saturday night and I've been here at Jenn's since Wednesday afternoon. Her surgery went well and the item removed from her breast is at pathology for precise identification, but initial results are that it is NOT cancerous, or malignant in any way, for which we are all extremely grateful.

I am writing this now at 2:16 pm. at the Mt. Washington Starbucks, I tried to finish this and post it last night/this morning around 1:00 am. but the damn keyboard was f*cking up so bad that the 'e' key once hit could not be stopped for 3 or 4 LINES of print. I calmly and rationally started ranting and screaming at the laptop while beating on the keyboard like a red headed stepchild, (LTFU all you PCers, it's a freakin' joke), and finally was able to get the computer to turn off.

This is entirely in keeping with my mood, external extenuating circumstances, mental, emotional, & physical well being, not being able to get more than 2-3 hours sleep out of every 24 for the past 2 weeks, and the multi-level and cross generational tensions that are going on up here, some of which flared up into verbal warfare before leaving the house this morning, (I was only on the sidelines, not a participant an kept my mouth shut, but was still the victim of collateral damage). The grandkids added their motion sickness derived (Devin, that is, Ed's was..let's call it...sympathetically detonated) vomit votes just before Tom dropped me off at the Hunt Valley Light Rail.

So it was not the best visit this time. One good thing was that Tom drove to Monkees and I was able to pick up the Rubbermaid storage tub, 4 small boxes, and two briefcases that make up everything I own, except the few things I carry around and the bedding and couple items of clothing I leave in the shed. Which is pretty damn depressing in and of itself, and added to that, she was out of 'bupes' so I am about to run out of ANOTHER one of my meds tonight. One of my prescriptions is still out of sync with the rest so I used the last of that one this morning. The others all will be used up with no refills before the next scheduled doctor's visit in July, which means I need to walk in next week and sit and wait and hope to be seen.

Between the heat last week, the insomnia, being on the downslope of a particularly nasty depressive episode, the D.S.S problems, worry and concern for a friend who was in a severe accident, (To--'Anonymous'..Thanks for your Comment, sorry about the delay, but I just noticed it was pending approval and publication, I sent I &'I an e-mail on the 15th and they replied on the 17th, thanks for your concern and consideration), and all the familial tensions, I REALLY feel like I'm about to lose it. The lack of funds and the Foodstamps has never affected me this badly before, and the increasingly frequent lengthening episodes of pain and other symptoms relating to the deterioration of the gallbladder and liver have me worried sick that when push comes to shove an the surgeon determines that it's time to remove the gallbladder....the Medical Assistance will be f*cked up also.
Past experience, not groundless paranoia.

Trying to look for work and finding none, while at the same time the physical/mental issues that have been the reasons that I can't do what I used to be able to do keep getting worse is like riding a merry go round from Hell......not only speeding faster and faster as it tries to fling you off to your death or's a constant downward spiral.

Anyway...enough of that for now, I have a small care package that will feed me today, and if it keeps in the heat, tomorrow, o I'm going to eat a very late breakfast an see if that helps some.


No comments: