Friday, October 30, 2009

"Hello........Sshh..Sshhh..Sshhhh..SHAKE, RATTLE, AND ROLL......!.............."

Good Morning;
No winner yet..(see previous!

Yesterday I left here with Allan and we were going to Boston Market for the chicken special, well the one next door was so packed that the line was literally out the door. We went out to Owings Mills where there were only about 45 people waiting in line and went in. The line was barely moving and I started to feel really hot and flushed and began to shake. The room seemed to close in and press down from the ceiling on me. My field of view narrowed to a type of tunnel vision and I told Allan I had to leave, I could not stay without getting sick. I felt as if I were going to pass out and began to hyperventilate. I just made it outside and Allan said I looked like hell, and told me to take it easy, and asked if I was OK as I was shaking fairly badly. We got in the car and I calmed down by the time we got to the Target.

This is what I am talking about when I try to describe the anxiety and panic attacks that come over me when I try to go to an interview or am waiting to fill out yet another set of forms in some agency. It happens most when I have to meet with new or strange (and usually, bored, uncaring, and unhelpful) intake or evaluation personnel and/or govt. bureaucrats. It usually does not hit me so bad in restaurants, unless there is some sort of confrontation, but I do not wait in lines or queues longer than 8 or 10 people or 10 or 15 minutes, (unless one is asked by a maitre'd.."Would you like to wait at/in the bar/lounge"......just for reference to No. 13, see previous!).

I do not like the after affects....(effects?, I've always had trouble with the proper choice), it is a truly physically debilitating and mentally exhausting feeling to experience. But.. in a way I am very glad that some one I know, (with a medical background...EMT/ambulance), was able to see, and vouch or verify that I do suffer from these attacks, and that they can be, if only for a short, intense period, truly disabling.

After we went to Target so he could look for some gauze bandage for his foot, we took a ride to Mt Washington, where I stayed at the coffee shop. I had one last coffee coupon and some leftover sandwiches from 3 days ago that I sorted through and found some which I trusted to eat. I also have the 1/4 loaf left over of the sourdough bread given me by the bakery girl who I helped with setting up her tent at the Farmer's Market on Wednesday evening.

I sat outside until almost 8:40 pm., when I got a chill and came in. For a good part of the afternoon I kept nodding off while trying to read, one of the reactions to these anxiety/panic 'incidents'.

I needed and wanted to take a chance and go down to the corner, but between nerves and exhaustion, I never made it. I have to do something today, I have no food and no money and no meds....SH*T!!!

I did take a little quiz offered by the editor of Baltimore Magazine. They are traveling the city looking for the 'Smartest Neighborhood' in Baltimore. I got the best score out of anyone who took it there yesterday, getting 2 wrong..(I got confused between an Oligarchy and a Plutocracy, and the handshake question has a logical twist), if I can get permission, I will post the whole test, it is not very long and is multiple choice. I showed the editor my poetry and he seemed impressed, and I gave him the blog's address. He said he may contact me if there is any writing work available that I may be able to do on occasion. THAT would be a treat!

So..I just ran into Richard Dalcin..(see his link at left), and he gave me some coin, now I have enough for coffee. Allan is here, if he has any change, I can get something to eat

I really have to go out for at least $10.00 this afternoon, food and coffee I can scrounge, dumpster dive, or do without, until Monday..(when I am hoping to get a hold of a few dollars).. but my meds will not wait that long without major discomfort and even MORE anxiety.
{Not yet....the tension mounts...who will be the lucky winner....(geez I hope it's one of my more 'affluent' loyal readers!!!....LOL).....stay tuned...}
Okay, it's almost 1:15 pm. and I've got to get some coffee, and then hit the corner to raise some cash. DAMN!!! I just realized that I have to make a new sign, the 'good' one I had, (with all the colors and covered in clear plastic tape to make it waterproof), got left on the side of the road on October 1st, remember..."Black Thursday", when the 'boys in blue'....(though actually they were in shorts and tee shirts, etc...)....stopped to chat and invited me for a ride and a 'lost weekend'. Now I've got to make a new one, this time it is only going to be a 'quickie' with a black laundry marker on whatever white cardboard I can locate. I really don't want to do this,..........damn it!
I'm going to see if Allan is still here and if he is going near Mt. Washington....(He is...),
Somebody come visit tonight!?!?!.........Please????
See you Saturday.......................Dave

No comments: