Good Afternoon;
It is amazing what a decent nights sleep, totaling almost 9 hours, (which for me is split by only getting up once in the middle to visit the tree!!....lol!), and a period of complete freedom from physical pain, (although there is an edge of dangerous possibility to this phenomenon, more later), and the peace of mind of having both a 40 day, (or maybe more), supply of meds in hand, and a few unexpected discretionary dollars in my pocket, (not enough to make a permanent or long term change in my situation, but enough to allow me to pay off a few debts of honor and to splurge in a small way on the kids, and others by buying a treat or a cup of coffee. Just being able to have a couple hours on my cell phone..as opposed to a couple minutes..and taking a call from Jenn, asking me to pick up some non-grocery essentials for the grand kids at the food store....and being able to do so, is a good feeling, and adds to the sense of normalcy with which I try to surround myself to combat the reality of my situation. Of course as screwed up as my head is anyway, now the options and choices available to me, in a small way, can drive me crazy with the increased variety of 'whatever' in the next price range up, it's no longer just grabbing the package of $0.99 bologna, but being debilitated in to inertia by having to decide between Oscar Mayer and Esskay...........LOL!!!
But in all seriousness, this little bit of money, what to some of you would only be a fart in a windstorm by comparison, is to me a great windfall. Not just in monetary terms, but in terms of relief, release, and relaxation. No it will not make any major differences or changes, but the minor difference in state of mind is immeasurable, and may even allow me the certain amount of 'mental backbone' to make some sort of forward/upward motion. An added spark of ambition/inspiration/determination/motivation unlimbered and unencumbered by the overwhelming pressure of day to day survival.
All the hoopla of the interviews recently have helped also, (when I have not been fretting and obsessing about looking like a fool), with the self esteem and ego, at least on a surface level. What some have perceived as confidence and competence is sometimes only a well constructed facade of arrogance and ability to conceal questions of self worth and inferiority. At times the only difference between me and the nutjob on the next corner is that I seem to have better communication skills.
I have been much moved and humbled by reading and watching the reports of the devastation in Haiti. Especially in light of my recent of run of weekly overnight stays at my daughter Jenn's house. As bad as I have ever had it, it never got to the point where "having my whole world fall apart" was anything more than a metaphor. I have been in situations where death, injury, and violence were a possibility, but it was voluntary decisions and actions that led to them. I do not believe in 'tithing' per se, but when something like this occurs at the same instant that I receive a blessing such as I did, well I am compelled to acknowledge and show my gratitude by making a donation to those in distress. And, it is now such a simple matter to do so, that to ignore the option to contribute at the Giant when I was at the checkout, would have been criminal. As in the movie, "Real Genius", some things are a 'Moral Imperative'. Whatever you may feel about the politcal environment, illegal immigration, or the AIDS epidemic,....innocent people are hurting and dying there. Do what you feel you can...and then dig a little deeper!.......If I can, YOU can, right?.....
I'm outta here, time for coffee and breakfast??...damn it's late...lol....LUNCH!!
Thanks, and God Bless,............Dave
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