"Cold Feet, Warm Heart.......Or Just......Peripheral Artery Disease?.............."

Good Afternoon;

It is getting colder, so last night I spent some time re-paneling the shed with the boxes I had stored for that purpose. It was just a temporary quick fix until I get the motivation to tear out some of the old cardboard and refit the newer pieces and get a hold of some polyethylene sheeting and configure it and staple it to the roof and walls in such a way that the leaks all run down to one point where I am going to funnel the water into a piece of PVC pipe and out the wall.

It was cold but not so cold that my feet should have been as cold and uncomfortable as they were. I am still waiting for answers and results from the tests that were run last week. I don't know if it is a nerve or circulation issue, but my ankles feel 'tight', but they are not retaining water like an edema. My hands and fingers are also a concern that must be addressed.

Yesterday Devin and I had a ball and we got to watch Strawberry Shortcake and My Little Pony too, (my trade off for being allowed to watch the Noon news in peace.....lol).

I rolled out of there about 4:00 pm. after showering and grabbing my last 'markout' sandwich from her 'fridge. Now I'm working on the last few in the freezer, which should last me through Monday. (I have my can of Octopus in Garlic Sauce if all else fails....LOL!...really, I grabbed it one day at the Giant on impulse, planning to either make a salad or pasta with it over Jenn's and keep forgetting it!) On Tuesday I'll have a couple bucks left after 'necessaries' for one actual meal somewhere...lol.

I ran into my friend Michelle this morning, (the artist and MICA professor), and we tried to catch up a bit, but as usual she was on the run. I'm hoping that we can get together for a nice, long, relaxing talk over a couple of coffees over the school's holiday break. I'm heading over to Jenn's now to pack up my lunch and grab a bucket of coffee and head over to the Starbucks.

Tomorrow I'm going over there in the afternoon to hang out and shower while they are out and hopefully Rachel will be able to come and spend some time with me there.

Okay, I have to run now and get the bus. I may be back tomorrow when the library opens at 1:00 pm., before I stop by Jenn's.

Tonight it's back to the shed, after cruising past the construction site rolloff checking for castoff scraps of recyclable 'home improvement' materials.

Later........Dave

"Be Our Guest, Be Our Guest.................."

Good Morning;

Just time for a quick post right now, I have to get to Jenn's to babysit Devin.

It's time for another...'Tea Par-ee, Pop-Pop'!.....lol.

A Disney Beauty and the Beast 'Tea Par-ee' no less....no prizes for guessing who plays the Beast.....LOL!

I also have to call the doctor and see if there has been any diagnoses or determinations from the MRI and CT Scans done last week.

I woke up today with another temporary partial paralysis in my left hand and arm.

Oh Joy!!!, more problems.

I am hoping Jenn got a chance to wash my jeans with one of her loads, the weather is cooling off quite rapidly and they are my only pair of long pants left. Even though I am known for wearing shorts all winter long, that WAS in Florida, or here in Baltimore when my apartment, job, and lover were all in the same building..... as may imagine...I stayed in a lot.....LOL!

Today is early closing at the library, so I may not be back until Saturday morning.

Later.............Dave

As I Was Going Up The Stair// I Met A Man Who Wasn't There// He Wasn't There Again Today// I Wish I Wish He'd Go Away

Good Afternoon;

This site was sent to me by a reader who came to our little blog here from the Mobbies page of the Baltimore Sun.

Read...Think...Feel...Act

http://www.invisiblepeople.tv/blog/

Later.................Dave

"A Day Late And A Dollar Short..... As Per Usual.........."

Good Afternoon;

Well another typical experience for me today as regards

'falling through the cracks',...

I get to the dental clinic and sign in and sit down and wait. As the other students are coming in and getting their patients I overhear worried whispers about me and Michelle, the point being that she is not there and has not called in, and how it is totally out of character for her not to do so. After a short wait the Radiology instructor comes over to me and asks if I had heard from Michelle and explains the situation and their worries and concerns. Now I am getting concerned and check my phone (no minutes) and see if the number they have is the same as the one I have. We all have the same contact info and I tell them that the last time I was in touch was by e-mail yesterday and we confirmed today's appt., I told her that as of 10:00 am. this morning I had had no messages from her canceling or postponing our meeting today. Ms. Dody (spelling?) takes me over to the laptop in the radiology lab behind the reception desk, and accesses the Internet for me so I can check my e-mail and attempt to locate Michelle. When I brought up my Hotmail and Facebook accounts there were messages on both apologizing and letting me know she was sick and would not be in today......and they came in literally seconds!! after I had signed off this morning to go and catch the bus.

There still has been no replies to my queries, so I am still worried about her health and well being, but as I say, the tension level has abated some.

Well that was a partial relief, the really frightening scenarios fading away.

Of course by the time I caught the bus and the train back to Jenn's to pick up my bags and grab some food, she had had to leave to pick up Edward from school today. So it was back to the bus stop and up here to the library. Now I'm waiting for an e-mail from Jenn so I can head back down there, grab my bags and head over to the coffee shop.

I've been seeing quite a few hits referred to the blog from the Mobbies page of the Baltimore Sunpapers online site;

http://www.baltsun.com/

Thanks to all, and a special thank you to Kate B.

Pushy...? Not at All!

Any additional information is ammo for the arsenal,

and if I can't use it, I can pass it on to someone who can.

Later..................Dave

"Frank Zappa Meets George Eliot.........."

Good Morning;

I'm on my way to Jenn's to grab a shower and then I'm heading to BCCC for appointment 3 at the dental hygiene clinic with Michelle. Today is the first cleaning session and the "How To Properly Brush One's Teeth", and "Our Friend, Mr. Dental Floss" lectures....lol.

Back later................Dave

P.S. Thanks Craig ;-)

"Foreclosures Hit the Homeless......Evictions AND The Repo Man Strikes!.......... "

Good Afternoon, Again;

I've been meaning to write this for a while and keep forgetting to....so here it is.....;

As you are riding the Metro subway on the way downtown you can see the signs of homelessness affecting Baltimore. On the left hand side after you pass Reisterstown Rd. Plaza station and just before crossing over Northern Pkwy. as you approach Rogers Ave. station you will see the CSX tracks that parallel the subway split and split again into a small 'marshaling yard' where for many years the same unused boxcars have sat gathering rust and grafitti. Unused by the railroads that is, for many of these boxcars became, first, a place to escape the weather, and for some a place to smoke the 'crack' that they purchased in the neighborhood across the street. Then, over time, crude shelters and abodes. As time passed and it seemed that the cars would never be moved a few became 'home' to homeless men, women, and in at least one case I'm sure of, a family. Many stayed a night or a week, or a season, moving on as weather or situations changed. But for a few these vacant and seemingly abandoned hulks became a 'home'. There were pallets leaned against the far side acting as simple ladders on some of the boxcars and others had crates and boxes stacked like Legos in a unintentional crude imitation of Baltimore's famed marble steps, (or stoops).

Most of the cars had nothing more than cardboard, or a tarp or a mat delineating a clear and fairly clean area where bedding would be unrolled as a sleeping area.

As it became clear that the freight cars had been sitting for ages and no notice was being taken, things that were necessary for making life easier but which were too bulky or heavy for day to day carriage began to be left in the cars, fingers being kept crossed that they would be there upon return each night. Some folks, families, hung discarded sheets or curtains as dividers to create rooms and a semblance of privacy and permanence to their living space. Then, first simply boxes, then old pieces of furniture light enough to carry, and old mattresses rescued from the curbside before bulk trash collection or evictions began to appear, along with battery operated lanterns. I've seen people cooking on the far side of the tracks, screened from public view by the boxcars and the banks and retaining walls, on Coleman camp stove and charcoal grills. In the winter and inclement weather Coleman stoves and kerosene heaters have been utilized for heat, with a side door and the roof vents and inspection doors opened for ventilation. Eventually someone lugged an old couch from somewhere onto a floor now carpeted with scraps and remnants of carpets and rugs. Comfort and complacency set in as little by little the idea that this was a freight car, on wheels, on a railroad siding, belonging to CSX, that could actually be moved faded.

Like Californians with Earthquakes, Midwesterners with Tornadoes, and Floridians with Hurricanes...the threat retreated farther and farther with each day that passed without a sign of worry.

One morning a few weeks ago I was on the eastbound Metro towards downtown, on my way to Monkee's or Jai Medical, and I passed the sidings without paying any attention to them, they were an unchanging permanent part of the landscape not worth a glance. Something kept bothering me though. I returned that afternoon and still could not figure out what was causing that tiny itch in my subconscious.

A day or so later I was getting on the train at th R.R. Plaza station after spending the night at Jenn's, heading west to Old Ct. station when it hit me that something had been different about the boxcars. I thought it may have been that the grafitti had been painted over, which used to occur at irregular intervals. It was bugging me and I had time to spare so I got off at Milford Mill station and got on the next east bound train.

As I approached the siding area it was obvious that the train cars were gone form a distance. But as the subway train got closer the true realization of the situation became apparent. All along the far side or the farthest track were large and small piles of debris. Clothing, broken furniture, paper, food containers, blnkets, and piles of cardboard, plus other unidentifiable objects.

At one pile a lone chair sat upright amidst the wreckage, as if someone had sat in shock, pondering at the cruel turn of fate that caused him to be doubly homeless.

At that time and other occasions right afterwards as I passed by I saw no people at anytime, day or night, near the mounds of shattered hopes and dreams.

I know it is cliche, and a staple of every TV news teams coverage of any and all disasters, man made and nature on the rampage, but there it was.... a child's doll laying there, eyes open to the glaring, uncaring sun and empty vacant sky.

And I have to wonder...where did these folks go, do they have anything left at all?

I've neither seen on TV or read in the paper about this particular group of folks.

No one I've talked to knows anything. The only ones who remain are the crackheads.

Later........Dave

"Vote Early....................................... And Vote Often!!!................."

Good Afternoon;

And I mean that in any way except weatherwise!

What a nasty day! If you looked up the definition of 'muggy' in a dictionary it would say; "See: Baltimore-Oct. 27th 2001!" I went to shower at Jenn's this morning and found that I wasn't dirty...I was beginning to grow moss!.....LOL!

I ended up spending the night there because Tom wanted to accompany Jenn to her former sponsor's anniversary, and I volunteered to watch the kids. (I had an ulterior motive besides the shower and free pot of coffee that is a given, I wanted to see the latest episode of "Two And A Half Men" from Momday...lol.)

I went to rinse off in the shower again this morning as I was getting ready to leave and the humidity is so high that the towels were still damp. The A/C here at the library is finally beginning to make my skin feel human as opposed to a salamanders. Although I think my lungs are still mildewed.

I'm not going to be able to see Rachel today because her mother picked up some temp. work, and the logistics just won't work out. I'm hoping that sometime this weekend schedules will mesh and we can get together. Even though we talk almost every night before she goes to bed I really miss her when it's been more than a week or 10 days since we were together last.

I checked the Baltimore Sunpapers website and the blog is listed in the Humor, Personal, and Misfits categories.

The prize is a banner advertisement on the Sun website for each category winner, and a 'certificate' for the Best Overall winner.

(That and $1.50 will get you a cup of coffee, so it is really just an ego stroke...LOL!)

Voting begins on the Sun website at 8:00 am. Nov. 2nd and continues through until 5:00 pm. Nov. 12th, and you can vote once per person in EVERY 24 hour period for category and overall blog.

To Whoever entered our little blog here in the contest, thanks for the boost! The more readers the better.

There are about 300 entries so far, (and some such as this, are in the allowed maximum of 3 categories), so it would be a hoot if we came in anywhere near the Top Ten. But WTH, even if nobody but me votes, (and the 'Nominator'...lol), I'll still be writing just for my own reasons, purpose, and sanity anyway.

After I'm done here at the computer and at the library, I'm out of books......gotta 're-up' my stash...lol, I'll most likely head over to the coffee shop, and hope their A/C is conquering the humidity. I've still got sandwiches and pastries from Monday left, in my bag and Jenn's fridge, so if any are offered tonight I'll pass most of them out on the train or the bus later tonight.

There is one woman I see regularly who is dealing with a painful shyness among her other mental/emotional issues and homelessness. I'll see look away if I, or anyone, looks her way, but she is eyeing the food with barely concealed desire. I'll leave a package of what ever I have when I see her on a seat 2 or 3 places away and catch her eye and walk away. Depending on which seat I'm in on the train I may or may not see her get up and scuttle forward to pick it up and make it disappear from sight among her clothes or her bags. It's gotten to the point over the past 2 years where, when I get off the train and glance at her, she will flash a quick little smile of thanks or acknowledgement at me then duck her head back in her collar or her shawl. I'm not sure but I think I actually heard her say something also one night, and that is a rare occurrence for her to utter a word.

There are other people who I try to avoid because they grab and take advantage of whatever they can get free, and end up wasting so much food, through spoilage.

And then there are the 'nouveau homeless', who can be recognized by the look of loss or confusion, and sometimes the aura of fear they project. With some of the predators that roam this city, especially late on weekend nights, some of the more recent arrivals to the street may as well carry a neon sign saying 'Victim'. One good thing that they do have for them though, is that if they are directed early and asap to the proper agency or organization, they seem to be able to get fast tracked into the aid system.

Tomorrow morning I have to stop back at Jenn's and bathe because I have another session with Michelle at BCCC's dental hygiene clinic at 1:00 pm.

Then Friday Jenn asked me to watch Devin while she picks up Edward at school and they stop at his school's 'Family Fun Fair'.

The weather is supposed to cool down and dry off, becoming more seasonal, tonight and tomorrow, so sleeping should be nice and comfortable in the shed. I have to find a few dollars by Friday so I can wash the only pair of long pants I have left, (my jeans, which are starting to wear), at Jenn's.

I may be back later, if not see you Thursday evening or Friday.

Later...........Dave

"Ninety Minute Night Moves...................BUT.................No More Night Mares!.........."

Good Morning;

Well technically it was still morning by 5 minutes as I began to write.....lol.

I left here yesterday and went to Jenn's and showered and tanked up on coffee and grabbed a chicken sandwich. I spent some time catching up with Jenn and playing with my 2 year old grand daughter, Devin, and as I was leaving for the Metro station Tom was pulling in with Edward on the way home from school, so I stopped to talk to them for a few minutes. As usual Ed, (who is secretly a teenager in the body of 5 year old), had to disagree with or correct every statement made to him, so I left before I gave him a 'full leather enema' with the side of my shoe...lol.

I took the Subway train, and then the Light Rail train over to Mt. Washington and say outside on the patio of the coffee shop until it started to rain a bit and finished the night inside until close. I have to send out my thanks and gratitude to Josh, and Katie, and Hannah for the bag of marked out sandwiches and another one of pastries that they so graciously gave me instead of just putting them in the trash to go to waste. I now have enough food to last until next Tuesday when I will be getting a little money.

I met Jenn after her HG meeting for the usual Monday night ride back to the shed, but she was going out afterwards so she got me to the bus just as it was puling out. I grabbed 1 sandwich and a couple cookies to take with me and left the rest with her to store in her refrigerator for me, since these lovely mid 70's temperatures of the Indian Summer we are experiencing this week are not conducive to food storage.

I stopped in at the gas station to talk with Daniel, my buddy from Kenya, about the current political and government situation there, and filled my water bottle, and then went into the shed. I was asleep by 11:30 pm....and then woke up every hour and a half looked at the time and fell right back asleep, continuously until I got up at 10:00 am. I headed over to the phone booth to try to reach a particular doctor I need to speak to about some records, but ended up playing phone tag....or maybe it should be called phone 'hide and seek' as I kept missing him as he went from building to building, and then to his other offices. Not having minutes on my phone and not being able to get his cell phone # from the staff made things difficult, until I found that the pay phone I was on COULD receive incoming calls.

Now the wait as the information I need is put in the mail.....I hope so since I have only 2 quarters left to my name and I'm saving them for an emergency phone call.

I'm meeting Rachel here at the library tomorrow afternoon!! Hooray! I really miss her and our schedules have not been coinciding recently. I am also hoping her mother will have the $10.00 she owes me.

I just got an e-mail from Jenn and I am heading down there now to watch Devin so she can get to the foodstore and pick up Ed from school with less hassle, so I'll see you tomorrow.

Later........................Dave

P.S. I was told that someone entered this little 'exercise in exorcism' here that is my blog in the Baltimore Sun's- 'Mobbies' awards contest to find Baltimore's/Maryland's best blogs. I don't see it listed as of yet, so who knows what's up with that.

The site address is:

www.baltsun.com

then click on Mobbies on the far right of the menu bar at the top of the page.

"Jungle Fever.......And.........Monkey Butt Attack.........."

Good Morning;

Another lovely autumn day, and this time I'm up in time to experience more than 3 hours of it...lol! After I left here yesterday afternoon it was basically autopilot until I got back to the shed....i.e., bus, bus, Starbucks, bus, bus, gas station, shed. I was awake due to the fact that I laid on my ass most of the day, and did not drink my coffee until almost 6:00 pm., so I read, then watched "Jumanji" on the portable DVD player, (What a great movie, I want to get Rachel over Jenn's apartment one day and watch it with her), then read some more until after 3:00 am. I was up and out at 9:00 am. and on the pay phone trying to set up appointments for the psych doctor for ASAP, Ihave to call back later today to check on a possible cancellation for this week or next week, or I'll have to wait a month for an opening, (unless I declare an emergency, but I'm not going there...yet?!).

I'll be back later, I just got an e-mail from Jenn an there is an opening in the shower schedule that I am going to take advantage of right now....I've got a case of Monkey Butt........LOL!!!

Later.............Dave

"Sunday Siesta..........(The Loonnnggggg Version).........."

Good Afternoon;

So I've just gotten out of the shed today. I spent the day reading a book and napping because I could. I had nowhere to be and no one to see and it was not uncomfortable temperature-wise in there. I really only got up to get here at 15 minutes to closing time to check my e-mail....lol.

Last night I ended up with a few pastries and a bag of breakfast sandwiches from the coffee shop. I ate one, saved a few and gave the rest away to a group of folks who needed them. I thought it would be cooler today, so I am glad I did not save all of them, just to have to throw them out. It got hot today, I'm kind of sorry I missed it, but it felt good to not move...and not because of any 'bad' reasons.

I guess I'l head over to the Starbucks now and wash up and shave and eat.

Later....Dave

"The Eyes Have It"

Good Afternoon;

Back to where we left off yesterday, at the the dental clinic on Thursday...

Except for the x-ray retakes with the digital sensors with the hard edges and sharp corners vs. my shallow mouth/gumline; and the fact that it is a school setting and every "i" must be dotted and every "t" must be crossed, then sometimes having to wait for an instructor to sign off on the procedure it went fine. Between Michelle and Ms. Dody, the Radiology instructor, both of whom were wearing surgical masks covering the mouth and the nose, and who both have bangs cut straight across just above eyebrow level, I spent the day peering into beautiful laughing green and blue eyes....lol.

The most fun part was when Michelle had to check my gums and see how far down they are attached to the tooth, using a needle sharp probe marked in millimeters.

Normal is a depth of 1-2 mms., cause for concern is 3-4 mms., worry is 4+ mms.; I was evenly divided between all 3 categories...(6 mms. or more is major and urgent attention needed)....and I know this because she had to probe, measure, and record on a diagram on her computer work station EACH tooth...with measurements taken in THREE places!

At each touch of the probe I was flip flopping between a mild twitch and ripping the arms off the chair....LOL! Next she had to take a scraping, again from each tooth, to measure the amount of plaque, tartar, and calculus, again stopping and recording the results for each tooth on the computer.

But hey..I got to spend almost 4 hours with Michelle, and I realized first hand why all the women in the harems of all those ancient Persian and Arabian sheiks wore all the veils and scarves on their heads and faces.......the power of the eyes can be captivating and hypnotizing!......LOL!

(Maybe I'm not PC...but I am an unapologetic Romantic....LOL!)

Next Thursday begins the cleaning and polishing process.

(My teeth may still need some major work, and may never be bright white ever again.....but damn if they won't be a shiny light yellow.....LOL!)

After the clinic went back to Jenn's grabbed my bags and went over to the coffee shop for 3 hours. I ate and read and ended up with another 1/2 dozen sandwiches to take with me.

I went over to Mohnkee's about 9:30 pm. and got meds for the rest of the month and then it was back to the shed by 11:30 pm. The night was quiet for a change...no dreams...thank goodness.

Friday I was up and out by 10:00 am. and had sandwiches from the night before for breakfast, (combining the 'guts' of one with the roll and 'fixin's' of another), then hit the library...and after I got back from my 'distraction duties' at the Giant I mentioned, I went over Jenn's as they were leaving and showerd and did all my laundry. I left there and caught the 10:32 pm. bus up to the gas station the hit the shed. I fell asleep by Midnight, woke twice for 'plumbing' reasons, and once at the normal time I usually wake and take my other meds at 7:30 am., falling back to sleep in seconds each time. I finally clawed my way up to (semi)-consciousness at 11:30 am. It took me another 30 minutes to fully awaken and dress and fold up the bedding, etc. before I went out and over to the giant and made my coffee......and here I am! It's 1:49 pm. now and I don't know what the day holds for me yet. I'm working with minimal funds for the next 10 days and have a couple sandwiches and doughnuts with me, and 2 sandwiches at Jenn's (maybe), so it's probably the Starbucks at Mt.Washington and the back patio to savor the weather. It is a fine cool and crisp and sunny afternoon so I'm not going to sit here until 5:00 pm. trapped in the 'hypno-cyber-gourd' again.

Later............Dave

"Night Dreams And Day Screams.............."

Good Afternoon;

So I never got the chance to get to the library yesterday and Jenn asked me not to use the laptop because Tom was having problems of some sort with it, (and since he sometimes yells at the computer and hits the keys harder and faster to try to make it speed up,....etc., etc., etc., I was happy to stay out of that loop.....lol.)

Wednesday, I left here late and went to the coffee shop for an hour or so. Josh gave me a bag of marked out sandwiches and yogurt, which was right on time since I was hungry and had only bagels from Monday, and some 'Dunkin Dumpster Doughnuts' left...no protein.

I stopped at the gas station on the way back to the shed and talked with Daniel after the people with the 5 year old boy who was running around squeezing, crunching, and throwing all sorts of candy and chips and cakes that his 'parents' refused to buy him while they sat and gambled for hours on the Keno and RaceTrax and Scratchoff lottery games. You could tell what sort of movies, TV, and music and video games this little brat had been exposed to just by listening to him talk. Lots of 'F'-bombs were being dropped, and he kept walking up to customers and demanding money from them, and when he didn't get it, would curse them out and threaten to 'pop' them in the head, or have "his boys"..'bang you in yo face', and the "adults" (turns out they were the grand'parents'), he was with just kept on with their inane cell phone 'conversatin' and gambling. (They each had inside 'knowledge ' of a 'system' and how the 'horses' ran and the patterns the results would show, and how this or that was "due".......LOL! Dumber than a box of rocks!) A certain segment of the customers though he was so cute, and 'a regular little gangsta'....others were appalled, one woman threatened to call CPS and the police, (by now it was after Midnight), and the whole crew got up and rushed out the door to their car, one woman slapping the little kid when he cussed her out and the other saying ' hurry up I got warrants' when the 'adult' male wanted to get his numbers of the next day. This is the same group who took the little boy outside and had him pee next to the building, (on the firewood bundles for sale), behind their car rather then use the functioning, private, lockable bathroom inside the store, which the women have used themselves!?!?

I'm sorry, some people should have a 'license' or pass an intelligence test to breed! And now a third generation is being raised to believe violence is not only acceptable, but the proper response.

(I found out later both of the kid's parents are in jail for ADW, they 'banked' a high school girl who went to a club with one of their younger sister's boyfriends....with razor blades.....WTF!! ) Some people don't know when to keep quiet, I have heard drug deals and thefts and assaults planned, just because I sit or stand off to the side and am looking at something else or reading a book. On buses, and the train and the platforms I am often amazed at the stupidity of the 'gansta class', I have seen undercover cops get up and follow some of these losers out, calling on their radios or cell phones for the Metro police to meet the train or bus, and searching and finding guns and drugs.

Okay, editorial ranting is finished...(for now)!
On Wednesday night I had another series of dreams that kept waking me up, most of which I cannot recall clearly. I have started to again have a recurring nightmare that I had hoped I was over. It has to do with the car accident in 1990 where I broke my neck and back and had major internal damages amd bleeding when the engine block and steering ended up in my chest and lap.

I woke up from a coma on Christmas Eve, but was blind in both eyes, strapped to the bed, AND medically paralyzed, (because I had been thrashing about at one point, threatening to do more damage to the spinal cord), with a breathing tube stuffed down my nose and throat, catheters in my other orifices, and a squid-like tangle of IV tubes and monitor cables running over and across my body. The only place open were my ears, the only sense organs that remained functional. I heard the doctors, nurses, or techs. twice pronounce me dead and twice revive me...and no one knew I was aware of anything at that point.

(There is also one very spiritual, mystical experience from that incident that has kept me going through some of the blackest periods of my life, which I've told before and I'll elaborate on again at a later date)

Anyway...in the dream/nightmare and the period just upon waking, that keeps recurring I am unable to move, see, or speak, and in various iterations I am trapped in the car, in the ER or OR, in ICU recovery....or in a coffin being lowered into the ground...(or worse!!!!)...on the conveyor to the crematorium. When I wake up I am 'frozen' in place, and sometimes unable to see, and often gagging.

Sometimes it is mere seconds, at other times minutes and on very terrifying infrequent occasions, a half hour or more when I cannot move.

This combined with the other weird dreams and the 'blackout?' or sleep walking episode of the other day has raised an already high stress level to Condition Red. I have 2 different psych doctors to check out next week, but a friend in the field of mental health, who is not now practicing clinically, but doing research at JHU, and who does not mind when I call for advice in the sense of treatment direction or urgency, suggested I not keep the 'night terrors' cooped up inside waiting for an appointment with a shrink, (as long as ideations do not become actions or plans for action), but write about them, journal them. Well Loyal Reader, guess what you are the lucky recipients of another free random tour inside the warped and twisted, dark and eerie, caverns of my psyche!....lol! (And just in time for Halloween too....LOL!)

But anyway, she also advised I get another EEG just for shits and giggles, (her words not mine, I asked her if that was some new 'scientific phrase' and she said to "remind me to slap you next time we meet".....LOL!

She said that it could also be unaddressed PTSD issues, (Oh great another acronym to worry about......oh well, I'll just file it in my CRS...(Can't Remember Shit) folder....LOL!

So yesterday morning the phone rings at "early o'clock" as Jenn put it in the text with her apaologies, asking if I could come down then because she had to watch a friend's kids. I was headed over there anyway...though a few hours later..lol... to shower and leave my stuff.....

Real Time pause in effect..I have to run over to the Giant now and entertain the little darlings while she shops...LOL!! Back soon.....

............that wasn't too long now....was it? LOL!

Okay that's done...the tic should fade away soon, so pppppardon annny typos in the mean timmmmmmme.

I got over her house and showered and ate and killed a few minutes until I had to leave for my appointment at the BCCC dental hygiene clinic with Michelle, then took the train and the bus over there. There were no 'glitches' in the paper work this time...but some x-rays needed retakes.

I'll finish with the 'screams' tomorrow....LOL!

OOPS...outta time again, I'm heading over to Jenn's to do laundry while they are out at a friend's for a Halloween themed something or other.

Later....Dave

"Connect The Dots & Fill In The Blanks........Or.........Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego

Good Afternoon;

Talk about a f*cked up night and missing morning!

Everything was nominally normal yesterday as I left here and caught the buses to the Starbucks, ate the sandwiches from the day before, drank coffee, read and did the crossword puzzles. The drizzle and the greyness during the daylight and the dampness, mist, and layer of moisture on every outside surface in combination with the onset of another slide into the beginning stages of a depression cycle had me feeling somewhat down, but not more than usual for this point in the cycle.

I caught the buses back to the library, finished another book in the series I am reading, ("The Lost Fleet"; by Jack Campbell), and dropped it in the night return box, then stopped at the Giant and the gas station, again all as usual.

I went to sleep about 11:30 pm. too tired to read and remember waking up at 1:30 am. and hearing the sounds of an auto accident somewhere nearby. The next thing I knew I seemed to be abruptly jerked in consciousness and I was standing outside the gas station, apparently having a conversation, (of which I have no memory!), with someone for the past 30 minutes! This was about 4:00 am.

I distinctly remember returning to the shed and barring the door from the inside, and placing an empty plastic bottle in such a way so that it would fall and hit the concrete floor and wake me up if the door was opened. At 7:30 am. I again "snapped" back into awareness....on the #56 bus...in Glyndon at the turn-around!, talking to a woman who knew my name but I have no memory of meeting...on the #59 bus!....and making the transfer to the #56! About an hours worth of riding and waiting time. I was told in both cases I was carrying on a coherent and cogent conversation.

I went back to the shed and the door was shut and latched as I always do, and all my stuff was there, and my bedding was rolled and stored. I'm kind of freaked out about all this...obviously. I had not eaten, drank, or consumed anything different than usual, and had not had any alcohol or drugs that would cause these side effects.

The only link I can figure out is the possible connection to the strange and bizarre dreams I have been having of late.

I'm back after a 4 hour gap, Jenn was passing by and picked me up and I went to her place for lunch, then I took the bus to Prologue and met with my caseworker. I told her about these events and that I am going to use my psychiatric referral to try to get an appointment as soon as I research the 5 available facilities and their doctors.

I also had a letter from S.S.A., .....the second automatic denial which will initiate the next stage of the appeal process. It is also time to seek out legal guidance.

My time here is up, and I'm falling asleep at the keyboard anyway.

I'll most likely be back tomorrow evening after the next session with Michelle at the dental clinic at BCCC at 1:00 pm.

But if not....Friday morning.

Later..........Dave

"Running On Empty .................... Spinning My Wheels"

Good Morning;

Well nothing exciting has happened since I left here yesterday evening...and that's a good thing!...lol I went over to the Starbucks for a while and finished off the food I had bought earlier at the Giant, in combination with the bagels and muffins left over from the other night. As I was leaving to meet Jenn across the street and get a ride back to Pikesville, I was give a bag of marked out sandwiches and yogurts. I took a couple and sent the rest with Jenn to store in her fridge for me. It is getting close to the time of year when I'll be able to leave certain items outside in the shed and not worry about spoilage. (Then comes the time of year when things have to be refrigerated to keep them from freezing :-( ... there is an old saying about salesmanship that goes "He could sell ice boxes to Eskimos", the irony of that is that refrigerators, to keep things from freezing rock solid, are one of the biggest selling items in the Arctic....LOL!).

The Giant for the restroom, the shed and sleep came next. Another night of waking at odd hours and intervals, I did have one weird dream that woke me up and when I looked towards the door of the shed without my glasses the shadows and light leaking in formed an image of either Frankenstein....or Ironman, standing there looking down at me.....LOL! The rain started about 3:10 am. and the sound of the steady splashing triggered the "shouldn't have had that last 2 cups of coffee" reflex...lol, and got me up and out for a few minutes. After that it was sleep for 90 minutes, poke my head out of the sleeping bag like a turtle from it's shell, then fall back asleep, until I got up at 9:30 am. put on fresh clean clothing and went over to the Giant for coffee and to shave.

I may (?) have a meeting with my case worker from Prologue at Noon, but I have not received an answer back yet from the e-mail I sent yesterday responding to hers, or the one I just sent off 30 minutes ago....so it's still iffy. I'm down to 2 minutes on my phone, which is for emergency contact, and the payphone here at the library is out of service again. There is a letter from Social Security to be responded to so I want to get a confirmed block of time rather than just stop by and only have a few minutes to stand in the lobby and talk.

(Addenda: It's now 11:55 am., 30 minute later and no reply...looks as if nothing is happening today..tomorrow?...)

I have no other real plans for today, it's cool with spotty on and off rain coming in spits and spurts, so when I figure out where I am going to go, (probably either Jenn's or the coffee shop), I'm going to park my self and read and sip some coffee, eat the food I have with me, and hope for some decent company to converse (lol) with.

The end of the month has come a wee bit early this month as regards the pocket book and the pantry and the pharmacy, so it's time to keep the eye's open for that opportunity for a quick buck here or there. A quick (legal) hustle and/or taking offered money for something I would normally refuse it for. Also trying to be in the right place in the right time when there are edibles being disposed of.

OH!! YES!!! I just remembered Rachel's mom still owes me $10.00, it's reminder time...lol.

Well, that's all for today I guess, no social commentary, black humor, or urban observations. The rest of the week is still up in the air, Tomorrow at Prologue? And if her tentative client/patient does not confirm, I may be heading back to BCCC, (the college not the jail...lol), on Thursday at 1:00 pm. with Michelle for the second session of the dental exam/cleaning. Friday morning I have to call and see if a certain doctor has returned to a medical office, so I can walk-in, (NO appointments....??WTF??), and get a referral to another doctor about meds.

I'm outta here..

....Later..........Dave

" Bubbeleh...Try It, You'll Like It...C'mon, Have a Nosh................."

Good Evening;

Just back for a minute to promote a local Pikesville instituion;

The Ed-Mart Deli

It's been around for what seems like forever and the owner (and founder's daughter) Shelly is a friend and supporter.

They are going to be on:

The Food Network's Season Premiere of:

"The Best Thing I Ever Ate"

Tonight, (Monday) at 9:00 pm.

Gotta give them a look-see, and stop by for a nice, thick, juicy, lean, corned beef on rye with mustard,......and a pickle!

Later........Dave

"Friendship....Football....and....Comfort Foods!.............."

Good Afternoon;

Well I made it to the coffee shop for a couple hours Saturday evening, (I puttered around here for 3 hours after I finished the post, planning on leaving any second and getting drawn back into the "Hypno-Gourd" {any 'Xanthians out there?....lol},again and again by interesting links and last minute posts on Facebook). Josh passed on a big 'bag o' bagels' (and some muffins which I ended up passing out to various other familiar faces on the bus and train), that were destined for the trash can anyway.

(Speaking of 'trash cans', I was outside the library eating brunch today and when I went to the dumpster to throw away my trash I peeked into the paper recycling dumpster just to take a look. One of the library employees was walking towards the rear entrance and chastised me for being in there, telling me it was against the rules. I said, "So...rather than donate the books to groups or organizations, or even private citizens, to distribute to the people who could use and need them, and encouraging the huge poverty stricken population of children in the inner city and elsewhere who would otherwise never be exposed or own a book...the library and the County would rather sell them for their recycle value, or even just dump them?"..She replied.."Those are the rules...." Bureaucracy In Action!)

{BTW....If you need any books...they are emptied every Tuesday}

Anyway...I had a text conversation with my best and 2nd oldest friend, (but oldest and longest in continuous contact)Anna Marie that night making arrangements to meet at the Lutherville Light Rail stop the next day at Noon-ish. I rode the buses back here to the library and sat outside and finished the last few pages of 2 of the books I was reading and then went to the Giant for the restroom and a jug of Powerade, then into the shed because I was chilly. I read for a few hours and fell asleep around 1:00 am. waking again at 4:45 am. and started to get dressed because I was late for my flight to Miami, Fla...... I stepped outside the shed and realized where I was and that it had all been a dream, (which faded before I could get all the details, but seemed to be back in the 'Miami Vice' phase of my residence there....LOL!), slapped my self 'upside da head' and went back to sleep until the alarm went off at 9:00 am.

After going to the Giant and fixing my coffee and using the restroom to wash and shave, then visiting with Carol the 'self service cashier', (which sounds a bit redundant...dontcha think?), I took the bus, the Metro subway, and the Light Rail out to meet Anna Marie. We went to the Mars supermarket and came up with our own 'Quick And Dirty Shepherd's Pie' concoction, (finely diced sauteed onions; browned, 97/3% ground beef; covered with Campbells Low Salt Cream Of Potato Soup mixed with the pan drippings from the beef and onion; covered with frozen Schwan's (A 'To Your Door' grocery store delivery company, with amazingly good and tasty foods, mostly frozen items. Here's a link: http://www.schwan/ ) 'Quicktaters' (flattened tater tots, or mini potato patties, depending on your point of view...LOL!); baked then browned slightly under the broiler; with some grated sharp cheddar cheese added after the cooking is done and allowed to melt from the heat of the casserole itself.), and purchased the needed items that were not in her freezer or pantry.....and some Avalanche brand 'Black Raspberry with Chocolate Chunks and Raspberry Ribbon' ice cream for dessert....Yummmmm, symptoms of lactose intolerance be damned we said!

I showered when we got back to the house and we caught up on each other's lives since our last face-to-face visit early this year before the blizzards. Pregnancies, births, deaths, children, ex'es, medical, legal, romances...(we're both batting 000.00....lol!, I'm still waiting for her to 'see the light' and acknowledge that after all we've been through together in the past 36 years, up, down, and sideways....it's time!.......LOL!), yadda...yadda...yadda...etc. We half watched most of the Raven's game, seeing them lose it in the last seconds of overtime...and tuned to another game, (I didn't even notice who was playing...lol [It may have been Dallas/Minnesota]...), just in time to see the wildest forward pass/lateral free for all since the Three Stooges did it as a comedy short 75 years ago!....LOL! There were about 7 throws back and forth as the players moved down field and we were half cheering/ half laughing in amazement and amusement.

About 8:30 she took me back to the station and I caught the train and the bus and the bus back to Pikesville, sat out and read for a while, stopped at the gas station and hit the shed.

It was a another typical night of recent sleep patterns, out about Midnight, up once for no reason, sit up look around and fall back on the pillows...never reaching full consciousness....(but then according to some...I never do...lol.)....up again at dawn for early morning irrigation purposes, back to sleep until 9:00 am. and up and out.

The Giant and then a long leisurely brunch and conversation, (and I was "conversing..."...NOT..."conversatin'..."....Arrgghhhhh if I hear that one more time, someone trying to act 'sophisticated' and throwing out the nine dollar words on the bus...and either mangling them, misusing them, or in this case creating 'Frankenwords'....LOL!..I'm going to scream!)

It's 5:00 pm. now, another day slipping away at the computer, so I'm out of here now!

Later..............Dave

"Open Wide"..................&..................'Just a Little Pinprick"...........AKA........."Trust Me, It'll Only Hurt For A Moment......lol!....."

Good Afternoon;

So...it's been a busy couple of days and library hours, time constraints, medical/dental appointments, and the MTA have prevented me from getting online.

Wednesday after I left the library I did get over to Mt. Washington and the coffee shop, long enough to eat and sit for a bit. I watched the construction crew on the Newbury St. bridge in front of the Mt. Washington tavern for a while and caught the bus(es) back to Pikesville. I had a hunch and played my grand daughter's and daughter's birthday on the Keno and walked out $20.00 ahead after an hour of Keno and Scratchoffs, and hit the shed. I fell asleep about Midnight with the lantern (battery) on and woke up at 10:30 am. when the alarm went off. Tired..I'd say so, after the night I had before that! I headed over to Jenn's and took a shower and dropped my bags and went to Baltimore City Community College for my appointment with Michelle at the Dental Hygiene Clinic. Of course it only drizzled and spit until I got off the bus in front of the school and had to walk across the campus to the Life Sciences building, then the downpour began....lol. After the first hour of forms and releases and permissions were over and the Exam was about to begin, Michelle called over the supervising dentist, Dr. Jones to check the paperwork and give her 'permission to treat'. Because of one simple phrase that we thought would streamline things, (and there go.... thinking again!....LOL), I had to get a notice from my physician that no special precautions or medications were necessary to begin treatment. I left there about 2:10 pm. and decided that since I needed to have a TB test site looked at and written off as normal anyway, I'd stop by Jai and kill two birds with one stone. I was out of there by 2:40 pm. and a bus was headed back towards Mondawmin and the Metro subway terminal where I had a number of transit options so I jumped on it. I figured that since I had the paperwork and I could be back there before 3:00 pm., and Michelle had to stay around there anyway, and there no other patients waiting...I'd see if she wanted to continue. When I got there the doctor and the 2 instructors and Michelle were all freaked out that I came back so quickly, and that I came back at all....lol. I don't get it? It seemed reasonable and normal to me....and besides I don't get to see Michelle as often as I'd like to. Once the doc signed off the fun began, (you gotta remember this is a school setting and she is a student..even though she has worked for dentists for years as an assistant or whatever the next lowest level beneath a Hygienist is called.) The first 45 minutes consisted of the visual overview and her checking my salivary glands by touch with a gloved finger..(even though I'm in love with her...do you know how irresistible the temptation to bite down on some one's finger in your mouth is....LOL!), and gentle 'palpating' of the lymph glands in my neck, and stroking and manipulating my jaw, (checking for TMJ......and I dow have some clicking going on),..... well it's been a really, really, ...reallllllly long time for me, but damn if I don't seem to remember this sort of thing being called....'foreplay!'.........LOL!!!

The next 45 minutes was spent between fighting the gremlins in the digital x-ray computer system, trying to place the damn sensors correctly in my mouth..(they are poorly designed from an 'ergonomic factor'), gagging!!...lol!, and taking and retaking x-rays.

I left there a little after 5:00 pm. as the students were frantically going about the daily clean-up and sterilization procedures and headed back to Jenn's to grab my bags and a bite to eat, then jumped on the 9:00 bus up to the shed and crashed.

I got up about 8:30 am. on Friday and headed down to Jenn's to do a load of laundry and shower and then went out to American Radiology in Owings Mills for my CT scan and MRI. I got there at 2:30 pm. and had to drink about 40 oz. of the 'contrast medium', basically a flavored, dilute radioactive dye solution. It tasted like.....well remember when you were a kid and you mixed things together....imagine a half and half ratio of orange and grape TruAde non-carbonated soda. Luckily this time I was allowed to go to the bathroom 'if needed'....yeah right.."if"......lol! I once had another test done and there was a problem with the magnet, and for an hour I was told.."it'll only be another minute or two"....Hah!! it's a good thing those machine are 'water'proof!....right in the middle of the test the dam broke! In that case I was 'butterball' and in a hospital gown so I didn't care, and the test had passed the point of no return so there was no problem there....LOL!...But I digress.....LOL! The CT was at 4:00 pm. and I sat in the waiting room people watching. An attractive woman and a little girl came in and the girl called her 'gramma', and I said to myself..(or so I THOUGHT!), 'Wow! 'Gramma' I thought that was her daughter!' As they were leaving, I was sitting by the door and the woman stopped, leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, whispering,' Thanks...you made my day!'.From the expression of shock/confusion/embarrassment of my face she realized that I did nor realize that I had spoken aloud, `sotto `voce though it was, and her face lit up in a big grin and she said 'That makes it even better!' and laughed, as I too began to grin and chuckle. The nurse/tech was coming to get me for my CT and overheard the exchange and proceeded to gently tease me as we walked back down the hallway. As I went into the bathroom to be sure there would be no 'leakage' during the test, I looked in the mirror and my face was glowing red enough to light the room by itself...lol. The CT scan required an IV of contrast medium also and the young woman who put it in my arm was going on about 'Now this is going to hurt a bit, and are you ready.....yadda...yadda...yadda', and when I continued the conversation with the other tech who was asking me the ID questions to be sure I was the right person for the right test without a flinch or any notice at all, was all amazed and shocked about it. I laughed and told her, 'When you've used a safety pin and piece of fiber-optic tubing to reach a vein.......a brand new, sterile, sharp, and tiny IV needle is less intrusive than a mosquito!' She must have been a bit sheltered from the look on her face, the other tech burst out laughing with me....lol.

An hour later I was called back to the other side of the office for the MRI. Where I was given ANOTHER cup of 'TruAde' to drink! Then into the exam room. When they tried to use the 'faster' machine, which seemed to be an older model of the enclosed tunnel type, my arms kept rubbing on the insides of the tunnel, and when they tried to wrap them in sheets to keep them sliding smoothly, the sheets kept bunching up and off. (The issue had something to do with the heat of the machine) I was taken across the hall to another slower but larger and more modern 'open' design. There is a cage like arrangement that fits over the chest area that I was told to hook my fingers in or on. I was given a squeeze ball, like one found on a blood pressure cuff, to squeeze in an emergency, or if I needed anything. By the time the test was halfway over I was having problems with numbness and lack of feeling and strength in my hands, (which is one of the reasons for the test), and although I could hold on to the ball...there was no way I could have squeezed it if I had needed to. I zoned out and dozed off for most of the exam, slipping in and out of consciousness. If you never had one, they are LOUD!. You are given ear plugs to combat the clicking, buzzing and beeping sounds you'll hear, mostly a loud roaring/buzzing noise. It was 6:00 pm. when I finished there, spending the last 10 minutes before I left imitating the statue of the little boy in the park in Copenhagen....lol. I caught the 6:30 pm. bus to Jenn's getting there about 7:15 pm. I packed my bag with my clean laundry, grabbed a couple of 'sliders' from the fridge and hit the road. I waited for the #59 bus but the lovely MTA eliminated that run with no notice that day, a normal occurrence for them, and walked up and caught the 8:45 pm #53 to the Giant where I bought my Powerade and then stopped at the gas station to say hello to Daniel. I was in the shed by 9:00 pm. and read for a while before falling asleep. I woke up at 2:30 am. thinking it was near dawn, and again at 5:55 am. to get rid of the last of the 'TruAde'...lol. I woke up for good about 8:00 am. and realized it was Saturday and I had absolutely nowhere to be and nothing to do today so I just read and dozed again until the back said 'get up!' about 10:00 am. After a visit to the Giant to wash up and, well you know what...LOL!, and for hot water for my coffee, (they turned the temperature back up decently hot again), I sat outside the library and had my last 'slider', (they were awfully big, just barely meeting the size limits of the 'mini rolls'...lol.), and here I've been. I'm just about ready to roll out of here, having got a new batch of books, and head over to the coffee shop. Tom's working tonight, the grandkids are at Jenn's mom's and she is staying home alone, (to clean she says...but...the first time she has had to herself in a while..it's a 50-50 bet either way....lol.), so I'm not calling her until tomorrow.

That's it...I quit for today.....

Later..........Dave

P.S. Check out the book by Ben Thompson titled:

"BADASS"- A Relentless Onslaught Of The Toughest Warlords, Vikings, Samurai, Pirates, Gunfighters, And Military Commanders To Ever Live"

And it's not just a 'guy thing', some of them are female!

"Pieces Of A Dream.....................OR.....................Nightmare On Elm Street?........"

Good Afternoon;

Wow! What a weird night!

After I left here yesterday I headed over to the Starbucks had a cup of decaf and talked with John Erbe of Umbrella Radio, (See link at left under 'Links And Thinks'), ate my turkey sandwich, and read for a while,...nice and normal. I took the buses back to the Giant, got my Powerade, drank some of that and sat on the bench in front of First Watch and read until I started to get cold, still normal. I slipped into the shed 'on the down low'..(it's Tuesday), and fixed the bag and blankets up and read for a bit until I kept dropping the book and re-reading the same sentence over and over and over, and went to sleep, again, still normal. Now the weird part begins...I don't dream all that much, or at least not very many memorable ones, but last night and early this morning......strange! I woke up just before dawn and found myself sitting up, crying, and digging in my bag. As I became conscious I realized I was in the middle of a very intense and seemingly realistic dream/nightmare/hallucination, and I was looking for a pistol to shoot myself!....BUT, I was a woman, and I had just been driving a car through the old neighborhood around Fords Lane trying to escape a shadowy, evil man whose face I never saw clearly, who was trying to first rape and molest me, and then to attack, abuse and kill me, (I'm a woman remember), and then to blackmail me for some syringes he had planted in the car I was driving,....which I was driving recklessly trying to elude and evade him and in the process having many smash ups, accidents, & near misses. I finally crashed into a car load of children and infants speeding and weaving down the road countering every defensive move I tried so that we were always due to crash head on...no matter what. I don't remember crashing, but suddenly I am trying to crawl out from under the carnage of the older children and the screaming bodies of infants. That's when I knew I had to kill myself for punishment and woke up digging in my bag.

(I could probably put a psychiatrist's kids through school with this one!)

After I stopped shaking and went out to 'irrigate the garden' I took my morning meds and fell back asleep just long enough to careen and carom my way through another dream where I was driving a commandeered transit bus through the Lower Park Heights ghetto/drug 'hoods, while wearing a mask/helmet somewhere a cross between Iron Man's and King Arthur's knights, being chased by 'zombie crack heads and something else ??? (that part was not too clear) and other buses that were trying to attack me.

I figure this one came from the comments of a drunken crackhead (on top of his substance abuse issues...he's an idiot OTHER drunks avoid...lol), on the bus on the way to the Giant, a homeless guy who I once made the mistake of talking to, who is a real piece of work, who shouted out, "Can anyone drive a bus...let's go to Atlantic City" when the driver got off the bus at a stop to help a girl get her bike off the bike carrier rack on the front of the bus. He then tried to tell me how one of the local Russian junkie kids ripped off his Blackberry, (which kept changing in value from $350.00 to $500.00 to $250.00 and up an down as he repeated the same thing endlessly), while he was sleeping at one of the neighborhood drunk's house. (And ..lucky me!..I know all three players in this tragi-comedy.....LOL).

When I got off the bus he was still talking to me, unaware that I had left.

I woke up from this dream, and fell back asleep into a double romantic/sexual medley, of a fantasy about my dental visit tomorrow with my friend and old love Michelle; and a beautiful and sexy, 29 year old Brazillian nurse named Victoria at Sinai Hospital when I was in there for an emergency Pneumo-thoracotomy in 2005 and was knocking at or actually had one foot through death's door when I was brought in to the ER. For some really strange reason we hit it off and she spent a lot of time with me, on and off shift. She called me Lazarus, after she got a look at all my medical records and heard some of my old stories, and said she liked talking to me even, (and sometimes especially....lol), when I was showing the effects of the liberal use of the morphine pump and other injections of the assorted 'pain management cocktail' regimen the doctors had me on, that even when I lost all inhibition, I maintained propriety, (which is one of the nicest things ever said to me). I told her I wished she could be able to call me "Victoria's Secret".... and I'll leave the rest to your hyper-active imaginations.. ;-)

Anyway, this mildly twisted dream had us trapped somewhere is a cavern in South America, in the tropics and finding treasure and romance....lol!

This had as influences, the recent rescue of the first Chilean miners, the National Geographic Channel (109 on Comcast) I watched called the "Lost Crystal Caves", which is awesome, if you can find it watch it... giant crystals of gypsum, up to 36 feet long with cross sections of 10 feet or more, weighing up to 55 tons, 1,000 feet or more underground in temperatures and humidity that can kill a human in 15 minutes! Fascinating! And recent viewings of "Romancing The Stone" and "Raiders Of The Lost Ark"...lol!

Okay, I'm out of here at last, I'm going to try to catch a bus and make a connection to the Coffee shop............

Tomorrow is 'dental day' and getting my TB test read.

Later.................Dave

"Medical Mania.................&...................An Elementary School Epicure!............."

Good Afternoon;

So the library was closed yesterday, (Monday), and I never got to get on the laptop at Jenn's between running around to the doctor's, the pharmacy, & the Giant, and dealing with the grand monkeys and the limited 'window of access' available between Tom, Jenn, and Sleep!.....LOL!

I seemed to be auditioning for the part of human pincushion while I was at Jai Medical, between the blood drawn by the technicians/vampires for bloodwork and their lunch, the New Flu Shot for the New Flu Season, and I have to check tomorrow and see if there was another Swine Flu Shot included also, I forgot to ask), and the TB test she, (my Doc), told me she wanted me to take due to some symptoms that could be signs of TB....or just 'Male Menopause', (or 'MANopause' as Jenn calls it....LOL!). I go back tomorrow to get it 'read' and possibly see the podiatrist too.

I recieved referrals to the radiologist to go and have CT scans, MRIs, and X-rays on Friday in Owings Mills, because of increasing back, leg, and abdominal pain from known issues, new numbness and nerve pain I reported, and some sort of 'soft tissue mass' found during the examination....and because I got my Medical assistance renewal letter over the weekend.

I also have new referrals to the optometrist and optician, (AND a confirmed appointment this time!); the psychiatrist....for the obvious reasons; and to the person at Jai, (only at the Monument St. office in East Baltimore near Johns Hopkins), who can give me the referral to hopefully get my Buprenorphine by prescription, by the rare clinic doctor who will be like my Primary Care Physician and actually listen, instead of blindly following some pre-printed set of directions which allow no flexibility for the real world and 'life on life's terms'.

And on Thursday, as I mentioned, I am going to allow one of the women I love to strap me in a chair, tilt it back, and shine a bright light in my face, expose me to hazardous radiation, (that's okay, I've got my 2 girls, and I don't think she wants kids.....though it would be nice to have a male heir.....lol), and insert sharp and pointed instuments in my mouth, & use me as a patient, client, guinea pig, laboratory rat....LOL!....to help her complete her degree program and get her licence as a Dental Hygienist.

That's about it for now, I'm tired, and tired of writing today. It's over to the coffee shop for a bit, then back to the shed. I ended up spending last night at Jenn's, again, because as I was heading to the doctor's Tom was walikng in and asked me if I could come back around dark and watch the kids because he had a commercial electrical job trying to fix the lights and timers of a business that were all messed up and he had to be there late and Jenn had her Home Group.

I just want close with a mention about listening to Rachel and Edward playing together in the other room on Sunday, with Devin going back and forth between them and bringing me books to read her, and wheeling in her Disney Beauty and The Beast Tea Cart and tell me we were going to have a 'Tea Pah-`eee'.

Ed and Devin had chicken nuggets and apples and chips for dinner, while Rachel dined on Shrimp Salad and New York strip, and Maryland Tomatoes and apples with me, what a difference between Ed and Rachel, not that it was not offered, but he lives on nuggets, pb&j, grilled cheese, cereal and fruit!, while she is a budding chef, (like her sister and her father!)......(though all 3 gorged on marsmallows for dessert....lol).

Later.................Dave

"3 Generations Of Pre-Adolescent Personalities In One Place.....OR......Me, & Rachel, & Edward And Devin!........."

Good Afternoon;

So I'm here on the laptop at Jenn's, where I've been for most of the past 5 days and 4 nights. I left here Friday afternoon and hit the library and the Starbucks and was on my way to the shed when Jenn and I got into a text conversation about me coming back in the morning because she was going to Dover to see my mother at the hospital and Tom had an estimate and proposal to deliver to a prospective client. After going round the Mulberry bush a few times trying to get logistics and timing arranged, just before I passed the stop to get off the bus for her house it was decided that I may as well just come back over and stay the night,..... again..........lol!

When she got to Dover and after she and my sister talked with the doctors she got in touch with me and passed on the latest information on my mother; the leg was probably complications from arthritis, and the other tests showed no immediate emergency and they were awaiting the review by the cardiologist, and more tests were ordered. Well that was a big relief and although still nerve wracking awaiting the new tests and analyses, there is space and time to both 'unclench' physically and prepare mentally for whatever is discovered.

Tom came home and after we bathed and dressed the kids, took them for a sleepover at a good friend's house. He was DJing later that evening and I planned to shower then lock up and leave that afternoon, eventually getting back to the shed and coming back here around 1:00 pm. today as Tom had plans and Jenn may or may not be back from Dover and was going to meet him there, then they have an anniversary for Tom's sponsor afterwards to attend.....welll, I never got out until after 9:00 pm. last night, basically wasting the day in front of the cable TV...lol.

When I called to talk to Rachel last night she was already asleep so I made plans with her mother to meet me here at 1:00 pm. today, and now she is playing with Edward and Devin, (fairly peacefully...LOL!), in the living room.

Tonight's sleeping arrangements remain to be seen, but in any case I'll be showering here and leaving my bags here while I go to the doctors at 1:00 pm. tomorrow. It's funny, (peculiar, not ha ha), that I am heading in for an examination and tests on MY leg and side, (which although not for chest pain, is related due to surgical damage to nerves during emergency chest surgery for pneumonia) ??? Plus I need renewals on my prescriptions, and new referrals for eyeglasses and psychiatric consultation, and maybe to see the podiatrist if she is free then.

And as I am typing this I have been texting with Michelle and making appts. for exams, evaluations, and cleaning, {of what is left of :-( ....}, my teeth, on this coming Thursday.

And watching the Ravens kick Denver's butt, and texting Anna Marie about plans to spend next Sunday with her.

Multi tasking???.......LOL!

Okay I have to go mediate the kids now......

the library is closed on Monday for Columbus Day, so I may not be back until Tuesday.....

Later........................Dave

"Family Ties.......OR.......Blood Is Thicker Than Water....But Is It Thicker Than A '7% Solution'?............."

Good Afternoon;

So last night at Jenn's was just a replay of the previous 2 nights, no sense repeating myself again.

Except.....I get back in the afternoon and Jenn is all tensed up and out on the patio on the phone. Tom goes out and sits and talks with her and she looks like she's about to cry or scream. When she comes in it's obvious something is bothering her both physically and mentally/emotionally, and she is holding her stomach like it is cramping..(it is). The first thing I think of is a typical unplanned family issue that upsets young couples in tight financial times. When she comes in I ask her if she's all right and what's wrong. She tells me to come out on the porch, away from the kids and I look at her and say "you're not....." and leave it hanging there. She bursts out with a strained smile and says "No, I'm not pregnant.". When we are out of range of little ears she tells me that she has been talking and texting with my youngest sister, who has just been in contact with my mother in Dover Del. She was having pain in her side and her leg and was considering going to the hospital E.R. My sister was making arrangements to leave immediately and go up there, and possibly take Jenn up too. It turns out my mother had had an EKG a couple weeks ago that her doctor did not like the looks of, so he ordered a battery of tests, and she was awaiting his return from vacation or somewhere to learn the analyses and results. Meanwhile she starts getting the aforementioned pains. Well my sister decided to go up alone, and as far as I know has not been in touch with Jenn, which hopefully means good or at least neutral news. Anyway Jenn is a mess, this her last grandparent, who had a large hand in raising her. They traveled a lot together all over the country when Jenn was young. And this has been a hell of a year for Tom and Jenn with all the deaths on his side of the family.

Now we come to me... My relationship with my mother is confusing and complex.

We are estranged at present, and basically have been so since May of 1998. I have seen her maybe 8 times since then. There is a lot of hurt and anger on both sides. And a hell of lot of guilt and regret and remorse on mine.

Face it I was a typical dirty junkie, who lied, cheated, hurt and stole from his family. Now my emotions are in turmoil, I know what society says I should feel, But I don't know what I feel for sure.

The obvious emotions of fear and uncertainty, yes, but then everything gets numb.

With all the other things that have been going on I can't tell whether it's reached a point of being overwhelmed or overloaded.

Jenn and I talked about it last night for a while and left the topic open for later exploration. At this point we don't even know what's going on, it could be I'm affected by Jenn's reaction.

But it opens up a whole new set of worries for me that I have had closeted away since my Dad died, (and there are still a Pandora's box of issues I am afraid to open there). Plus a unique set of issues related to us alone.

And then there are the thoughts that kept me up last night regarding filial duties and parental expectations, and my own desires for forgiveness, and atonement and redemption, up and down the generational ladder...

How complex and intricate are these webs of anger, grief, and blame woven.

I am so glad I got a chance to see and talk to and hug Rachel this morning, if only for a few minutes.

I'm out of here...it's closing time.

First the coffee shop and then the shed.

Tomorrow is open for suggestions.

Sunday I'm at Jenn's in the early afternoon watching the grand kids, maybe I get Rachel's mom to drop her off too so we can all play.

Later..............Dave

"Beef...........But NO!! Beans!.........And Definitely NO More Spam!........"

Good Afternoon again;

Well it looks as if I have been drafted again tonight to watch the kids and veg out in front of the cable TV....lol!

I was e-mailing Jenn and when I told her I was not spending the night as guest of the State to give me time to reflect on my sins, I got the question "are you STILL available to watch the kids tonight?....". Hmmmmmm, she must have slipped the original request in sometime when I was 'mentlly preoccupied' and I must have responded in the affirmative....lol! Oh well, I get the chance to cook anyway, Steak!....So RARE it's still Mooing...lol!

Yeah...just walk that bad boy in front of the fire!

As to spending the night.....I'll see whether my back is up to the couch or recliner....and whether I want to be in the middle of the 'wakey-wakey' morning mishegos tomorrow!

Just to let anyone who got an e-mail about cheap Chinese laptops and electronics for sale from my address....seems as if I've been hacked, either here or from Facebook, or Hotmail, and my address book added to a robotic auto-send spammer device.

Sorry! It weren't me podner!!

Later............Dave