Saturday, October 20, 2012

"Everything And Nothing....................................."

Good Afternoon;'s been a week and a day in the apartment I've been cat sitting in, and I've only left it 3 times in that period.
Once on the Friday night I got here to go pick up some meds., once on Tuesday evening to go to the Safeway in Canton, (not impressed, it's pretty dumpy for supposedly being a 'showcase' store), where I spent the last of my money on some milk and bread and a box of pasta. I spent Wednesday afternoon to Thursday afternoon at Jenn's watching the grandmonsters and Rachel. Tom picked me up a couple blocks from the apt. Wednesday, and dropped me at the Light Rail in Hunt Valley on Thursday.

It's been a combination of not wanting to go out in public while at the bottom of a depression cycle, and all the baggage that accompanies it; a total lack of cash; and the embarrassment of not having a decent pair of long pants. My jeans are being held together with duct tape at the moment, and they are literally the only pair of pants I own.

It goes to show that once the immediate need for shelter is met, for the extended short term & long term temporary, or permanent basis, priorities and worries change. What was once pride in coping becomes shameful.
Also, once basic creature comforts are accounted for, the floodgates are opened and bottled up and suppressed emotional needs, wants and desires, and losses and pain rush in to fill the gap. At times overwhelming physical and mental issues in perceived and felt enormity and importance.

In all forms of depression "loss of interest in things that used to be enjoyable" is a big symptom.
As you can tell by the recent slacking off of the frequency in posting, that is hitting me hard. As is the soul eating loneliness that is blanketing me.

I'll stop here for now, before I dig too deep a hole for my sanity to crawl out of.


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