Saturday, October 6, 2012

"Good And Bad...........Part 1...................."

Good Morning;So............Another morning inside the library after a night outside the library.
And it has started out to be a fittingly bad day to follow a crappy night, which happened to slide in unexpectedly below the radar to bite me in the ass, (as punishment for having a good afternoon and evening and allowing a glimmer of hope to push back a bit of the gloom of despair?).

Allow me to rewind, .....
When I signed off here I caught the 'bus from hell' (the extra long articulated model, double the idiocy for the same low price!.....don't even f*ckin let me get started!!!!!), down to the 'hood and my quarterly doctor's appointment at JAI. After the initial oral consultation/examination to compare previously diagnosed and bring up any new issues, and the physical examination to diagnose and/or confirm them, there was still time for us to be able to talk about and for her to observe any changes in my mental and emotional states. (Which is one of the reasons I schedule my appointments at 4:00 pm. as much as possible,...being the last or next to last patient = "Time spent with the doctor", another being, = a shorter wait to be seen.) I was also able to bring her up to speed on my D.S.S./S.S.A. situation and the new relationship developing with HCH.

Some of the results of this session were;

 New tests ordered for blood and urine analyses to see what is going on with the gallbladder and spleen again, which are both showing signs of swelling/abnormality able to be detected by the doctor's palpation and my reaction.
New meds prescribed, and then ordered online to treat some skin problems on my legs and ankles that have been getting worse.
Referrals to the optometrist to see if it is new glasses that are needed for my vision issues,

and to the opthamolgist if needed. 
Blood tests on Monday in preparation for a CT scan.
The CT scan on Wednesday of the abdomen and pelvis focusing on the gallbladder/gallstones and spleen, & the sciatic nerve and the tumor on it.
A preliminary diagnoses and discussion of changes in my clinical depression that exhibit the symptoms of bipolar depression and her approval of and desire that I follow through on my decision to seek help from the psychiatrist on staff/affiliated with HCH as soon as possible.
(Though I don't see how I could be biPolar..??

I like women, I've never slept with a penguin Or a polar bear!)
But in all seriousness, I'm going down to HCH early one morning and stand in line, (which is the policy for initial intakes), as soon as I can, which at this point looks to be Thursday, as I have to be at JAI Monday morning, I have a meeting Tuesday with my MICA professor friend Michelle on Tuesday about collaborating on her project "words and pictures--Home", and have to be in Owings Mills Wednesday morning 2 hours prior to my CT scan so I can drink the 'contrast medium' that will make my insides glow like 'Chernobyl on a moonless night' on the scan.
If I can get down there, and get in and out at JAI on Monday, I MAY....MAY be able to get to HCH on Monday.....oh...wait.....Monday is Columbus Day....are they even open???
It may be Thursday after all.
Some of what she said, and the symptoms, examples, and conclusions she came to were similar and/or the same as what I was postulating as to changes and/or progression of my underlying mental/emotional health issues.....or, if I want to be honest and stop dancing around the words and their social stigma..."Mental Illness"...
So much of what she said, garnered from observations over the course of our doctor/patient relationship and her professional experience, as she asked me what I guess would be 'screening' type questions and statements echoed what I have been thinking and feeling. Yeah I may be 'Nuckin' Futx', but at least I'm not insane!......(LOL/Crying with relief).
Some of the things she said about being 'High Functioning' helped to, if not stop, at least slow down, the self destructive 'manic merry-go-round' of 'doubt>guilt>blame>guilt' that I've been on.
As painful as some of the condemnations and recriminations others, both those well meaning and narrow mindedly critical have been, none of it is as bad as the self flagellation that goes on within my own mind, when the at times debilitating inability to move comes up against the "You are too smart for this" voices in my head....

damn.........out of Time


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