Wednesday, August 12, 2009

"Gratitude vs. Frustration vs. Love vs. Anger vs. Impotence vs. Understanding....and on and on and on and on............."

Good Afternoon;
Well it's damn near as nasty out as it was the psat 3 days.....not as hot (yet?), by almost 10 degrees, but the humidity is worse. I took a shower three hours ago and parts of me still aren't dry yet!
Rachel and I walked to the Safeway and she chose a Lunchable, a Sprite, and mint chocolate chip ice cream. I had forgotten about the Starbucks mini stores in the food store, so we got lucky and sat at one of the tables there, it is way to hot to eat outside. On the walk home, EVERY tree or group of trees with a large patch of shade was, "the PERFECT! place to have a picnic" on a cooler She is such a little actress.
I am about at the end of my rope with frustration in dealing with the 'ex' as regards the conditions in which my daughter is living. I have gone from asking to reasoning to begging to shouting to try and get her to look beyond her denial. There is no reason for a child to have to live and learn these (easily changed) habits and behaviors. If I had not seen and lived with her when she was taking her meds and facing and treating her ADD and depression, I might be more likely to give her the benefit of the doubt, but when she spends hours and hours knitting, and now has let herself be consumed by jelly making and canning, at the continued expense of the safety, hygiene, and sanitation of my daughter....enough is enough! It took 11 months to simply spray some mildew remover on the barthroom walls..(and it still is only a half ass job!!), and I don't know how many months I have asked her to put a sheet and pillow case on Rachel's bed, let alone pick up the trash on her floor. Last week, she said she would do it that night, I pleaded with her and she lied right to my face, again. I once asked her, when we were still together, "I only have one request...PLEASE do not lie to me anymore...."......she said to me...."I don't think I can promise not to..."..........I should have left right at that minute, I mean, is that a red flag or what?
I thought that this guy living there might be a positive influence, but he seem as happy to live in squalor as her and her kids. I have not called CPS or DSS because I have no place to take her right now, but now I am thinking that maybe I can use them as leverage. If they come out unannounced, and issue a 'improve by this date or else' type citation, maybe that will get results. I asked her today 'why?', and she just got this tight look on her face and would not answer, I pressed her, asking again, getting angrier at her not even looking at me and not even answering...she finally said she was not answering because she was being attacked...'What The F*ck!!'.......she turns my concern about my daughter, and her sleeping on a dirty bed, into something all twisted around about herself.........??
This is the same denial that I dealt with, and finally gave up on, by doing ALL the cleaning, cooking, and laundry, in self defense, even when I was damn near dying (literally.......and I have the scars on my chest to prove it), with pnuemonia.
I do love her, and I know she can be and do better, but do I have to wait at my daughter's expense?
I'm outta time........later...............Dave

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