Monday, September 28, 2009

"גמר חתימה טובה .............Gmar Hatima Tovah..............May You Be Inscribed In The Book Of Life, For Good!..............."

Good Morning;
It is Yom Kippur, probably the most important day in the Jewish religion and even though I am not in synagogue, and do not feel any connection to the community here, and I am not fasting this year, (though now that I consider it, since I have not yet eaten, from before sunset last night, even if it is by circumstance and not by conscious choice...technically, I AM! this a sign or just coincidence??, hmmmmm?, Maybe I'll just see how I feel and how my blood pressure reacts and take it hour by hour until sundown..), I still take the time to stop and give thanks and ask to be given the opportunity to muddle through another year. And of course to at least and admit and acknowledge the sins, mistakes, errors, faults, shortcomings, call them what you wish, of my actions or in many cases, non- or in- actions of the past year, those so called 'sins of omission' that are so easy to overlook and/or justify. And I am...'Guilty As Charged', your honor, and I plead for leniency and throw myself on the mercy of the court.

Religious or not, devout or not, as confused, conflicted and conf*ckted as I may be, and as tenuous as the connection may be, I still consider myself a Jew, despite what my feelings toward and the opinions of the Orthodox and the Ultra-Orthodox that I ended up in the midst of.

It is the 'Day Of Atonement', and whether one is a believer or not, there is nothing wrong with a day set aside for reflection, introspection, and redirection.

I offer my apologies to those I may have inadvertently hurt.

I beg forgiveness from those who I offended and injured, through intent or indifference.

I gratefully thank everyone who has donated and helped me materially.

I deeply appreciate the folks who have helped me with matters of personal hygiene allowing me to keep mind, body, and soul together.

I humbly and with great humility wish to express my love and affection to the people whose care and concern and compassion, whose sympathy and empathy, tolerance and light of and in spite of; my moods..(and mood swings), my bouts of depression, apathy, and anxiety, my self doubts and self destructive inertia....whose support never wavered, never faltered, and even if I did not agree, or respond, or acknowledge it, DID and DOES make a difference.

I especially wish to express my infinite and eternal devotion to that tiny community of friends that have become my family, who know my deepest and darkest secrets...and fears...and I theirs.

In a world of interpersonal relationships where I truly believe that only constant is..."EVERYONE LEAVES!"..., these is ONE person who has resisted the pull of time and tide and after 35 years we are still 'together', lives tightly interwoven in a fabric that includes, yet transcends 4 marriages, 4 divorces, numerous lovers, (and extended periods of self imposed celibacy) 5 children, 3 grandchildren, death's of intimate friends(and the 'third' in our circle, whose loss still reverberates), and lovers parents, illness and accident and near death experiences, unspeakable, unimaginable horror and tragedy that only happens to 'other people in the newspaper', addiction and recovery..both first and second hand.

And due to poor timing, overdue awakenings, and karmic irony...

... my soulmate but never my lover, who knew the depth of my feelings, and had the ability and opportunity to abuse them for her own needs, but who chose the bittersweet parallel path to a long term friendship over a short and profitable " l'affaire d'amour '', the woman with whom I'd choose to end my days with, and still keep the ember of hope alive and burning for, but buried deep.

To whom I owe a debt of gratitude I feel can never be fully repaid.

The person who I respect, admire and love most in this world.

You KNOW..(and always have), who you are.

And last but not least, my children, to whom I apologize for not being the Father I truly do have the potential of being, but to whom I have always been the best Daddy possible, I offer the thanks that can never be fully conveyed for giving me a reason to live when all else pointed to the other alternative, and the unrestrained and unconditional love only a child can give.

And of course the ultimate thanks and gratitude go to the Entity, Deity, Being, Power, Force or what have you, commonly called God. I do not profess to know or understand, but I don't have to. I do Believe, in my own way, and that's enough for me.

Thank you all for the past year, (almost), of reading and responding.


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