Faith....(see Hebrews 11:1).......Hope

Good Evening;

AHHHHHHH!!!!, that feels better, two days without my "fix", I was starting to go into "Internet Withdrawal"....now I see why they call them "CrackBerrys"....LOL

How is everyone tonight, I'm so glad to see "Spring" back, with sunshine and warm weather, between the rain and the hot spell, I thought we skipped right to 'Indian Summer'.

I ended up closing the library on Saturday afternoon at 5:30, and then I stopped off on the corner to see if I could raise any money. For some strange I was overcome and overwhelmed by a bout of depression. It was as if a thunderstorm had rolled in and darkened the sky, or a tornado was approaching. My sight narrowed as in tunnel vision, and there was a black 'aura' over everything, and the feeling of an oppressive weight bearing down on me, I have experienced this type of episode before, but never has it come on with such suddenness. I also felt physically dirty and uncomfortable. I made a choice to find a room to stay in, to shower and just lie down and watch TV. I decided that I write off the expense to mental health and put my faith and trust in God to allow me some way to recompense the expense, because the money was to be set aside for Rachel's birthday presents. I realized I had not eaten all day and tried to decide what/where to eat...it may sound weird, but I agonized over such a simple thing as going to McDonalds or going up to the Giant. The anxiety was ridiculous I know, but it was affecting me physically and interfering with my thought processes. Just trying to decide whether to spend $4.00 in cash or use the Food Stamps at the Giant almost made me sick to my stomach,(I finally went to the Giant, if anyone cares..LOL, and of course the 'lucky horseshoe' did it's job. I ended up with about $8.00 worth of top shelf deli meat for $0.85 cents) don't ask me why, the shrinks tell me that it's 'Clinical Depression', as opposed to 'the blues', combined with 'General Anxiety Disorder', exacerbated by 'PTSD', the fact that the daily uncertainty of knowing where I am going to sleep, and the overhanging threat of an upcoming court date, and possible jail time is not really a great tranquilizing influence either, believe it ir not.......LOL! I showered twice that night and again in the morning just because of night sweats.

Well I awoke to a beautiful day, and realized that I had only a half dose of my meds left, and that cleared up a lot of the questions about the reason for all the stress. I called Monkee, and understandably so, she has had too much on her plate to even get the doctor for herself, her husbands out of a coma, but still a long way from coming home..if ever, sad to say. I finally got ahold of Longwind and arranged to meet him after I hit the corner, amazingly on a Sunday it took 2 hours to raise $10.00, but it was all I needed to meet the street prices, and pay the 'running fee' (for the uninitiated, that is what I pay someone to 'cop' or 'scoop' as it is called, meaning 'to buy', for me, this way I am out of the direct loop of making a purchase, and do not have to venture into a place where it would be both physically and spiritually unsafe for me to be. Part of the high is the act of 'copping, believe it or not, this way, it is about as exciting as going to the 7-11...LOL. The minute I had the 'bupes' in my possession, that weight was lifted by about 80%, and when the anti-depressant effects of the drug itself became active, I felt almost normal..............so I went back to the corner for a while, and again the blessings I receive when I do the right things, I may not always make the right decisions, but everytime I have been faced with a 'moral choice' I seem to be making the right ones, I got enough to go to my Sunday night bargain spot, and get a half price burger and a drink..(Bill Bateman's Bistro..in Reisterstown..Sunday nights 7:00 pm - close....see Eric at the bar, tell him Dave said to treat you like he treats me.............AND DO NOT FORGET TO TIP WELL!!!...hey I give back when and how I can, to those who help me!!) I spent the night in my 'hidey-hole', luckily where I sleep stayed dry, and most of the rest of it had dried out.

This morning, Monday, I went up to the St. Thomas Starbucks about 7:45 am, and needed a decent coffee, woke up with one of those sinus headaches that nothing seems to help except steam and caffeine. The ex called and said Rachel had just been to Beth Tfiloh to be evaluated by the teaching staff to see how she interacts with the other kindergarteners. from what I understand she did very well once she warmed up. She colored a picture of herself and a cat on ice skates!..LOL..(she had pink hair, lonnnnggggg legs and no body, the CAT! had a body.....and..A BELLYBUTTON!...what an imagination!). They dropped me at the train staation and I went Back to the corner, and had a most interesting day, I have enough to treat Rachel to a really good 5th birthday, and enough for food, (which usually isn't a big as a problem as many folks on the street try to tell you it is). I met a very generous and compassionate gentleman today, who has been gifting me on and off over the time I have been on this corner, he noticed that I was away for a good while and not out as often as I was before, I explained my philosophy of 'need not greed', and 'paying it forward' when I can, and how the blessings are more consistent with moderation. His name is also David and he is a born again Chritian, now as most of you know I am Jewish, proud of my heritage, but 'spiritual' as opposed to 'religious', and my faith is strong, although I weaken in it at times. We stood together and talked, and he 'preached', in the true meaning of the word, his faith and belief, and his care and concern. We must have been at least 45 minutes on the median strip of the I-83 exit/entrance ramp talking scripture, and me listening to him as he gave me some gospel chapters and verse to look up and study, and when I told him I was Jewish he was very respectful and treated my doubts and concerns with honor, unlike so many of those who pay lip service to the bible, and 'talk the talk but don't walk the walk'. I'll listen, discuss, and express my beliefs and opinions with an open mind with anyone like him, the realness of his faith shone in his face and in his passion. Many thanks to you, David Scott.

I made up a bunch of almost business card like slips of paper on the computer Saturday, and ran of a couple sheets on the copier, then cut them into pieces,

PLEASE READ MY BLOG

HOMELESSCIDE="LIFE ON THE STREETS"

http://www.homelesscide.blogspot.com/

MY LIFE-MY THANKS-MY JOURNAL

and I have been giving them to everyone who stops and greets me on the corner, it is just another way of expressing my thanks and gratitude for your gifts...you may as well get some entertainment value for your dollar or so, and the RETuRN VISIT IS FREE!!!..................LOL.

Speaking of which, if you get a chance, take a minute and check out this site, it is organized and run by 2 friends of mine 'Iokepa and Inette Imaikalani, and it brings attention to the fate of the Native Hawaiian people and the injustices perpetrated against them and the total lack of recourse they have to right the wrongs. African Americans and Native Americans and Alaskan Natives are familliar to most of us, and their abuse and betrayals, and the current avenues they can use to attempt to receive restitution. But the island peoples are unknown to most of us and THEY have absolutely no rights to recalim tribal land or heritage. the site is NOT only about this, there is mostly a spiritual message, and their story....

http://www.returnvoyage.com/

ok...........I'm out of time.....I'll be back tomorrow.......my thanks to all who stop by.

..............Dave

"Suburban Sprawl.....or.....Trying To Reason With Hurricaine Season....."

Good afternoon;

I went to the Starbucks up at St. Thomas this morning, got there around 7:45 am., have to get used to a different class of 'regulars' here. I felt like I was back in Florida during the 'season'. A large percentage of golf shirt and skirt clad, upper middle class, upper middle age couples, (among others). And the Giant is just a nice normal slightly cramped food store, not the "Gucci Giant" I am accustomed to, and no self check out either....ahh well, life is tuff when 'you've died and gone to the suburbs', sacrifices must be made......LOL!! I had stopped up there last night, and my 'reputation' had preceded me, Morgan, who I knew from when she filled in at Pikesville a few times, introduced me to the other girl, Courtney...(Gen 'Y' names or what??), as Famous Dave,....LOL, and said I was the guy that Melissa, the Mgr. had been talking about, who would be coming up when Pikesville closed....I wonder if I can get the new glasses I've got coming with a dark tint.....DON'T Applaud....Just Throw Money......(autographs will be available at the end of the post..........rotflmao ...)

In a more serious vein, I ran into an old friend and housemate from 10 years ago, Jerry Sutton, (see I told you I would mention you) and his wife Ellen, who I had not met...Mazel tov to you both.

We caught up on life and circumstances, and on his way out as he shook hands, I felt a crinkly piece of paper, that I thought was a phone number or contact info, I was both embarassed and gratified to find out it was $10.00. Thanks and God Bless. I went up the the 24 hour, combination Laundromat, Latin American live soap opera, Owings Mills alcoholics convention, and freak show, after thecoffee shop closed last night, did my laundry, had a drink, and people watched. I got into an extended conversation with a nice guy, Joe, who is an admitted alcoholic, a certified horticulturist, (not working at the moment), and also homeless. I have seen him at the laundomat before, it is both his hangout, and 'home', (he sleeps in the wooded area in the back, or on the concrete pads at the rear of the buildings, and does odd jobs around for the barber shop, liquor store,and laundromat to keep beer money in his hand, and panhandles when he can find a customer who is out of sight of the video suveillance cameras the rest of the time. He asked if I had any change, so I bought him a 40 oz. of beer, because I know what it feels like and mainly, because he did not try a con job, but was straight & up front about it. As we talked I saw where I could have ended up if I had kept on or if I go back to, the dopes and cokes. His 'camping out' tends to be more of a 'passing out' in consistent locations on a regular basis. He is supposed to be leaving to go to Kentucky on Wednesday to live with his father, since his mother has recently passed away. He was talking about stopping drinking beer all the time, and only drinking " one or two mixed drinks, when he watches a dvd on Saturday nights", I once thought that I could go back to 'recreational heroin use'...(HAH ain't no such animal!) on the weekends with a leetle-teeny--weeny bit of cocaine to balance it out...I am unashamedly proud that I chose to search out the 'bupe' on the last 3 occasions that my body and my cash flow would have permitted usage....may not seem much to be proud of to you...but when was the last time you actually, really, truly, had to "Just Say No" to the most powerful force that ever controlled you, and at the same time was the most wonderful purely physical sensation you ever enjoyed? Yeah......imagine that! Taking back control is hard but reasonably easy compared to keeping that control in light of the pressures faced on the street, combined with the mental and emotional stresses that threaten to overwhelm. the good thing is that while addiction is a progessive disease.....so is recovery!.........Okay I think my time is about up for today, I'm gonna go look for a shower or a filled swimming pool....it's 80 dgrees out side now.......See you Monday........Dave

"Tiny Bubbles..............."

Hello again;

Just a few stray comments before closing time....

Welcome Katie, follower # 4 .....

Doesn't ANYONE out there besides me remember (or like?) the "Firesign Theatre"????....or am I just trapped in another '60s flashback?

If anyone local is reading tonight....tomorrow, Saturday, morning, I'm hoping to make it to the St. Thomas store for coffee, 8-ish???

And I just want to thank the woman in the elevator, who overheard a conversation between myself and another passenger, and who pulled me aside and said here...this is for you, and left me holding a few bucks and a flower!..God Bless!!!

see ya tomorra............Dave

"Roll With The Changes .........or.........'DUCK'!!!!!

Good afternoon;

It's one of those days where one little thing can set the tone for the rest of the day.

I took my last piece of buprenorphine yesterday morning and was beginning to stress about where to get more, after the fiasco at JAI Medical on Tuesday morning,(see post="How Can You Be....."). As I mentioned, my source is dealing with major issues revolving around terminal cancer, and is not available, understandably. I had a last minute, last chance, "Break Glass In Case Of Emergency!!" backup plan in place, for the chronic pain I have to deal with, BUT!! i really did/do not want to go there, as it involves 5 mg. Methadone pills. If push comes to shove, so be it, but I'm going to wait until I've reached the end of my rope before I take them. Even though they were NOT my drug of choice, and it would (hopefully!) only be a very, very short term stopgap measure...I really don't want to chance it. That being said, I went to pick them up, to have in case of need. On the way over I sopped off at the I83/North Ave. intersection to try to pick up some cash, because Mordecai and I did not connect for some unknown reason last night, I waited for 2 hours, and then called...no answer...????

I'm Back...is this synchronicity or what??? As I was typing the last sentence in green above, my phone rings, it's Mordecai, he fell asleep and forgot to turn the ringer on. Well, as the saying goes, "The Lord, (Political Correctness Advisory: Insert deity of choice, or secular equivqlent as desired!...{pagans and athiests are welcomed too}....LOL),works in mysterious ways!" I met him at '7 Mile Market', and ended up with more than we had talked about last night in exchange, and I did not need to leave my card for an indeterminate amount of time for him to use it. The real blessing is that if I had received the money last night, I probably would have gotten a room again, the forecast called for rain, and even though it did not fel like rain I would most likely used this as an excuse anyway. Well if it did rain last night(and I think it may have), it was only a drizzle, I stayed dry, and because I did NOT have the money..I could not spend it!

So back to this morning, I did end up with $11.00, it took 2 hours, not every attempt is a bonanza. After I picked up the Met., I tried one last option and called someone whose phone was disconnected at last contact. He had just that minute activated it and was on the corner of North and Greenmount, which is on the way back here, and only 5 minutes from where I was. He said he could hook me up with a 'bupe', and there was a bus pulling up at that second. I spent the next few minutes in fervent prayers of gratitude! I REALLY did/do not want to have to resort to the Met., but I'm not going through withdrawal without a proper "tapering off" program, if and when I decide to stop the 'bupe'. More on that another time, I'm almost out of time, and the library closes for the day at 5:30 on Fridays.

So in the end...I have at least 2 more days if meds, AND money for Rachel's birthday..AND a room..IF necessary............Dave

"Waiting For The Electrician, Or Someone Like Him.............."

Good Night and Sweet Dreams;

(you know who you are!)

So I'm back in the library, killing time until my friend Mordecai gets home from shul, then i'm going over to visit him and he is going to trade me some cash for some grocery credit I have...now the question is do I want to sleep in the damp and musty place next door, or get a room, and trust to providence, (root word = provide), for the morrow? 50% chance of rain tonight, 70% tomorrow, 70% Saturday, seems to be a case of "6 of one - a half dozen of the other" as my dad used to say.

Speaking of which, the poem Yartzheit touches on him. I had a pretty screwed up relationship with him and never even realized it until years later. Our family was so messed up we put the 'dys' in dysfunctional, and never knew until too late. Ah well, it's beyond fixing, so I'll leave it be. (that was another free- associational tangent....LOL).

Okay I want to get out of here before they toss me out..(again...LOL), I'll reveal tomorrow where I slept...see ya.....Dave

"It's Just This Little Chromium Switch Here...or Whattya Mean....UH-OH!!!!....."

Hi There....Me Again;

As Agent 86 used to say.."Sorry About That Chief"....I hit publish instead of save.....LOL;

(also, sorry about the spacing in this post, the computer's going wacky)

As I was saying;

I am going to ask $6.00 for a copy, that is $2.00 over cost, and I'd be extremely grateful if anyone wanted to send more, (and quite honestly, hoping that some will, but I don't want to be greedy....I'd also be tickled pink), but this is not really a business venture, other than an after thought, as much as I need money that is not what this is really about, the writings were a labor of love, and like the birth of a child, in that labor is all the pain and agony, fear, and joy, frustration and anxiety, doubt and hope, in life itself. I lived this, I bled this, I sweated this, I loved this!

And if anyone out there really wants a copy and can only afford cost..so be it, it's yours. (If anyone else homeless is reading this, and needs a copy and does not have the money or an address, write me (comment or e-mail)...we'll figure something out)

The title is:

Talespinner

or

Insanity from the Inside

an addict writes

on love, life, loneliness,

recovery and salvation

David B. Cluster

Contents;

Talespinner

Charm City Blues

A Lover's Prayer

lost

Ninth Life

Inner Vision

Scherazade 1999

flirt

Miracle In The Morning

betrayal

Truth Hurts

bread and circuses

Lonelyness Rant

HOUSE OF CARDS

SAFETY VALVE

stereotype

identity

YARTZHEIT

ECHOES OF SALVATION

Poetrip

Some of these are already on the blog..(see "Poetic License")

if you want a sample

CAUTION:

because of content and language

some of the stuff is for a mature audience

it talks about sex and sexuality!!

(look at the the subtiltle....addiction is usually NOT 'G' Rated)

(rotflmao)

This is actually my first serious attempt at self promotion, and I am trying to strike a balance between gratitude, humility and need.
So I am going to leave the ball in your court, as the saying goes, and as two other sayings go;
NOTHING VENTURED...NOTHING GAINED!!

AND

WHEN YA GOT NOTHIN..YA GOT NOTHIN TO LOSE!!

(AND THAT IS THE PHILOSOPHY THAT ENABLED ME TO MEET (ONLINE) SOME REALLY GOOD FOLKS OFF A CRAIGS LIST AD...YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!)

Anyone who may be interested..and I hope that includes a 'cast of thousands' and just 'the usual suspects'...LOL, please e-mail me at

d_funkwriter@hotmail.com

use the comment boxes at the bottom of each post,

(If you do decide you want a copy, if you could e-mail or comment first, I'll be able to alert the person who lets me get my mail at their address...thanks...D.)

Okay, I'm done, and I've used up all my sessions and most of the one's on Rachel's library card for today...don't tell anyone..I STILL have one more set of numbers for'emergency' access if I need it...LOL

Wish me luck tonight, in finding either a handful of cash or a dry spot to sleep in.....(oops THAT did not sound kosher.....LOL)

As always thank you for reading and helping me stay (reasonably) sane in a world gone mad....................DAVE

"I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus........"

Hello;

Luuuuuuccccyyyy I'm Hooome;

Ya Know....Of all the things I've lost in life....I miss my mind the most!!

Does anyone get the references in the titles of this post and the three from yesterday?

No fair answering if ya gotta GOOGLE it, then again, they're from the late '60s and early '70s, and were very popular with "Dead Heads" and fans of "Acid Rock".....LOL!!!

"Why Does The Porridge Bird Lay His Egg In The Air?"

Okay...Back to your alternate reality...which is already in progresss!

I think, and I hope, that everyone who has been reading realizes that when I talk about my money problems, (and windfalls and solutions), I am not solicting anyone for anything, although I must be honest and tell you that some folks have sent donations, and I have gratefully accepted and appreciated them. Some have written to suggest ideas for money making possibilities and I have explored some of these, and discussed them with peoples whose opinions I respect. One of these is trying to get a Peddler's license and a tax number, and a few people have suggested putting ads on this site. Another is to try to find a way to profit from my writing..but that seems to me to be a pipe dream, in today's market...but I'm looking.

Now...with that disclaimer out of the way, I am going to solicit you....but not for charitable donations....(though I could set myself up as a 'non-profit'..just look at my tax returns for the past few years..LOL!)

I had put together a small (about 22 page) selfpublished book of poetry some years ago, just for myself and I gave away a hundred or so copies over the years, to folks who appreciated my stuff at readings and workshops, etc. It was never sold, and is not realy more than a xeroxed 8&1/2 x 11 inch chapbook.

Each copy costs me about $2.40, and I figure envelopes and postage should be around a $1.60..(I've rounded off for ease), so cost is approx. $4.00 each. I'm going to offer these 20 poems at a suggested price of $6.00 and anything else anyone may want to add is not only welcome but deeply appreciated............times up..back soon......Dave

"If..'East Is East..and West Is West..and Never The Twain Shall Meet'....Why Do I Feel As If I Am Living In Seattle?.....OR.....'Rain Rain Go AWAY!!!"

Good Morning;

One more day of rain, so what's new? I'm going out today and searching for people with carpentry, animal husbandry, and circumnavigational sailing experience......if you are interested, answer this one simple question..."What's a Cubit?". Please complete all applications using waterproof ink.....Thank you!

So...God smiled on me again last night, I ended up with enough cash for a room again, {that makes 4 nights in a row that I've slept inside,..IN A BED!, showered,..9 times in 3&1/2 days, (because I could!....LOL), and 3 days without Starbucks coffee!}, as I said yesterday, if I could find a way to accumulate what I do in a smaller number of increments, or larger lump sums it would give me a chance to get a place for at least a month, and with that footing, I think that just that little bit of stability could be the start of an 'upwardly mobile' progression. I guess I'm going to have to take every second of this current period of "anti-depressive, non bipolar, cyclical upswing"..(actual mental health professional's quote!), and "Go For The Gusto" as the old beer ads used to say..(Schlitz?). What a difference that being clean,(in this case, hygienically...but also in relation to chemicals,..and spiritually too), make to the mindset of someone on the streets. And few nights in a room, being treated as a normal guest,(after the first night, in the beginning I was looked upon with some suspicion.....I guess when nothing was trashed or missing in the room they decided that I was ok...LOL)(and I do not want to sound bigoted, but...after a number of stays at the motels at the lower end of the price range..[not flophouses..I can't find any! only "hot sheet joints"....with hourly rates, "for those in need of a nap or a layover"..{another actual quote!}]..which is about $60.00 a night, I have found almost all of them to be owned/managed/staffed by Southwest Asian or Middle Eastern folks,(families, seemingly in most cases), and coming from a part of the world where hospitality is supposedly not only a tradition, but ingrained into all of the major religions in the area...something must have been lost in transit. This is not only me saying this. In conversation with other guests, mostly businessmen and women, there is a consensus that there is little if any extension of courtesy, beyond the lip service required in a transaction, and no flexibility, even for people who have stayed for days or weeks, or who return regularly. I have also talked with other guys who are on the street,(at various levels of social, educational, and 'mental and emotional' stability/ability),and sometime stay in a motel when a windfall occurs, and they report such indignities as being refused a room when there are obvious vacancies, with excuses like, 'too many reservations, or no clean rooms, or having to pay extra deposits for non existing charges, and then having to fight to get them refunded. I had to sign a 'pledge' saying I would not smoke in the room at the Red Roof Inn, on Reisterstown Rd. in Baltimore City, a noted trouble spot on the Police Dept's. watch list,(a popular weekend drug and drinking party site for gansta's, wanksta's and wannabee's,see Baltimore Sunpapers archive), and I had to get someone to come to the room to witness the smell of smoke that was coming in through the cracks in the wall and the bathroom fan so I would be able to get my deposit back in the morning! This is not a condemnation of any race or culture, just a commentary on a segment of the hopitality industry that is really an oxymoron.

Okay..that boys and girls is what we call "going off on a tangent". (The good thing about being an amateur writer is that I can get away with it by saying....OOPS Sorry.......LOL)

If it seems as if I am in an ureasonably good mood, it is because I am, I actually accomplished a few things this week relating to my health, and started in motion some more bureaucratic paper slides towards resolving some issues,(long term stuff....more details later).I was also blessed by some gifts, a lottery win, seeing Rachel a few times, finding some cash last night in the gutter (paid for most of the room), and just realizing that a change of routine was sorely needed, I was in a rut at the Starbucks every morning that was keeping me from getting out and about as often as I need to, and since there were so many good people there, I did not recognize the problem for what it was.

I also, just for sh*ts and giggles dropped 11 applications for jobs at various locations as I walked up Reisterstown Rd. yesterday, was interviewed on 7 of them, and got turned down on all of them, when the store owner's/mgrs. eventually realized that Homeless in the Address space, was not the name of an Estate, but a stae of existence.....LOL. I really did not expect any other results, but this was an exercise and example in futility..no not exactly, more like...frustration....a kind of rebuttal to the morons who like to shout out "get a job" as they drive by, with no clue as to any of the issues involved as to 'why'.

So I don't know if it is a case of 'the power of positive thinking' or 'fatalism' at work right now, there are still some seriously effed up things happening both inside and outside my skull....such as?..you ask...well for example....

I don't know where I'm going to sleep, or spend the night; I am again out of the ONLY meds(Suboxone)that really, really matter to me, with no idea how or where to get more in the next 24 hours,(which is the time left of the halflife), and unless I can Monkee,(who is dealing with her own tragedy at the moment) can find some, I have not the cash to purchase more at this time. It is storming...again, and unless it stops, I'll not be able to hit the streets. Rachel's birthday is in 6 days and I have not yet figured out how to raise the cash to get her the presents she wants(and that I want to give her....she REALLY wants more 'Princess' gear and garb...she is so funny some times. Yesterday we werewalking past the Md. State Police headquarters bldgs. and there were some work(release)men using a grinder and wire brush on the steel letters over the archway, and she tells me she wants to be a 'worker' when she grows up, so she can build buildings, and fix them...and a person who drives the rocket ship to Jupiter..and a teacher....and maybe a doctor..or a painter and a dancer! She is going to be busy!!!)

I have a court date on May 19th, where the court expects me to come up with $12,000 dollars, oh well, I've done jail before......LOL. I am awaiting the results of the latest liver function test...we know damn well that they are not going to be any better.....a holding action will be satisfactory....Oh Yeah...and Medical Assistance is turning me down again.

Ya Know...It's a good thing I'm schizo with a multitude of personalities....or I might go crazy trying to figure out which mood to be in at what time!! Now I can just let myself go full goose gonzo, and cover them all at once!!

Well that's about it for now, I think we are pretty much caught up...oh I know I've forgotten some things..but you know I'm always coming back online to babble about something.

See you later..............Dave

See I told you I'd remember something. I'd like to welcome and thank the 2 new followers...."X", and Griswold...enjoy yourself and remember...."Keep You Hands And Arms Inside The Ride At All Times, The Management Is Not Liable For Any Bad Puns Or Accidental Amputations...........and Sanity Is An Option! Not A Requirement In All Posts.............YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!"

...........Dave

"Don't Crush That Dwarf...........Hand Me The Pliers........."

Hello;

Yeah, it's me again, we just got back from the Pikes Diner, where Rachel charmed everyone and made new friends with all the staff.

So, I also went to the optometrist on Tuesday and got an eye exam and fitted for glasses, this pair being 9 years old, I kinda figured it's time.....LOL.

I was in town so I stopped by the corner of MT. Royal and North by MICA and held up my sign for an hour, until it started to rain cats and dogs. 8 people stopped to donate, all were women of a similar age and (I'm guessing from cars and clothes and 'aura') economic status, as I was walking back to the light rail, and getting soaked to the skin, I realized that I was wearing my khakis, and button down Brooks Brothers shirt (a hand me down!!), and had recently shaved. It also hit me that most of the women were in the 'soccer mom' demography.....hhhmmmm I wonder if there is some deeper connotation here???....................LOL.

Well the addition of a few more dollars and the fact that I was cold and soaked, again influenced me to 'blow the works and get a room, I'm glad I did, because it turns out the roof of my little shed is coming down...now I have to worry about tonight and the next few days because the forecastis calling for rain!! Rain!! RAIN!!!! still........oh loverly! I think that I will go out to the corner again after Rachel and I are through here..(she is on the kid's computer at the moment).

I mean...'one never knows...do one?'.......I also have to acquire a stash for her birthday next week, after a long time I am in a mentally functional position to actually celebrate 'with her'. Going to the doctor's, the act in and of itself, has helped me to start to 'move', to begin the process of gaining some mementum, and taking advantage of what is available in the way of assistance..it may only be baby steps in the eyes of some, but for me, it's as if someone gave me a pair of seven league boots, I just have to KEEP motivated, when the depression starts to sabotage my efforts...(as I feel it beginning already), it is a very insidious disease, and it's most deadly weapon is the 'why bothers'. I am trying hard to fight it this time, the loss of another 'safe' hidey-hole is a real bitch though.

It seems that if I could acquire all the monies I do, in however many ways that I do, in one fell swoop I could get a place, and start from there...but it all seems to come in in dribs and drabs...oh well.......time for another sh*t bath...it's a good thing I eventually come out smelling like a rose...slightly wilted sometimes.."but a rose by any other name...."............More this evening.....Rachels calling............

..............................Dave

"How Can You Be In Two Places At Once???.......When You're Not AnyWhere At All???......"

Back Again for Round Two;

As I was saying, the need for a dry nights sleep and being able to be clean before I went into the doctor was needed. I was really scared by the ambulamnce trip and ER visit, but feeling unclean at the doctors is a personal quirk that I find so distasteful that it kept me from following up for over a week...yeah it's stupid I know, but if I was normal...YOU would not be reading this......LOL.

Tuesday, I went and picked up a referral to the addictions specialist and awritten recomendation from my doctor to be put into the suboxone (buprenorphine) program at the maintainance level, not the induction level, seeing that I am already clean and on bupe already. This is supposed to save a lot of red tape.

So I traveled cross town and back to get to the office where the specialist is located...AND SHE IS , AND HAS BEEN FOR SOME TIME ON MEDICAL LEAVE AND WILL NOT BE BACK UNTIL JUNE 10th!!!!!, AND THERE IS NO REPLACEMENT DOCTOR SUBSTITUTING! This means that for over 2 months there is no one qualified by the federal gov't who can write these prescriptions..in the whole damn organization! Seems to me that a facility that deals almost exclusively with a disenfranchised and addicted clientele, would have the common sense to hire a temporary replacement.....ADDICTION does not take vacations or go on leave!!

It is not so bad for me. i am not yet involved with thsi program...(if Ever!), but what about the people who run out in the middle of this time, or are desparate to quit....the response, ".....well, just shoot dope or do pills for a couple more months until it is convenient for us to see you", is not the correct answer!!!!

Now I have to search out for another month, a source of meds., my friend who I got them from is now on life support in the final stages of cancer...(which is why there were pills available......he decided that since so many of us wanted to stop but could or would not get on a program, that he kept his prescription active..for us...it may not have been a random act of kindness, but it saved some lives all the same)..............

Ok, Rachel says it's time to go and get some ice cream....(chocolate chip mint-in a cone!). I am able to do this because when her mothre brought her up here, she also brought me a letter from a reader named Paul, who generously sent a gift for this very purpose...............many thanks!!

back later...................Dave

"Back From The Shadows Again........................"

Good Morning;

So....it's been a couple of days since I really wrote any thing, sorry about that. Of course it figures that there have been more folks stopping by for a look-see in the past few days than in som previous months.....LOL. Where have I been? Well, Saturday I spent the day and evening with my daughter, Rachel. We went to the annual Flower Mart in Mt. Vernon Square and had a lovely time, she tried her first "lemon stick" (a Baltimore tradition, cut the top third off a fresh lemon and poke a hole in the center, then insert a peppermint stick about 3 inched long, into the hole. You then suck out the juice usig the candy cane as a straw. she is still talking about it! We browsed all the stalls and since we ended up being there near closing time on the last day, everthing was discounted or being given away. we also painted a picture at the Walters Art Museum Booth. then the light rail to the end of the line and Mickey D's....a 5 year old (in a week) is cheap date..Thank goodness!!

Sunday the library was closed and I spent the whole day in the coffee shop watching the pouring rain. I had a streak of luck (?) that morning, on a hunch I bought a scratch off with my last $3.00, and actually bought the wrong one!, as I was cussing myself for my own stupidity..I realized that it was a $100.00 winner, I played 5 more times and stopped, winning another $23.00! This allowed me to pay a few debts off and to get a room out of the rain in the cheapest motel around, (which ain't cheap!!), and shower in the morning.

On Monday, since I felt human and clean, I was able to go to the doctor. I got referrals to the psychaitrist, podiatrist, optometrist, and addictions specialiatrist.....(yeah I know that's not really a word..but what the heck..I was on a roll.....LOL). I got prescription filled for my blood pressure meds, and for a foot problem. I did not even get to the Starbucks until a few minute before closing, and I lucked out there too, as they were just clearing out the day old stock.

It started to pour again and I decide to spend anothe night inside, and go to some more doctors appointments...even though the expense would bring me to the brink, the peace of mind was sorely needed.

Rachel is here at the library now...I am going to finish this later....keep checking in ...................................Dave

"Time Keeps On Slippin'..Slippin'....Slippin'.................Away......"

Good Evening;

Sorry I have not been here but the library was closed yesterday, and today I spent 8 hours at the clinic......7 &1/2 hours waiting and 1/2 hour with the doctor.

It turns out that the doctor I am to be seeing is not the one that I was assigned on my insurance card...but luckily the doctor who first evaluated me, and with whom I developed a rapport and a sense of trust. Thanks God!, the issues I am having with dealing with making new contacts are not here in this case. I have a referral and an introduction to a Psychiatrist, Podiatrist, Addictions Specialist (my doc has not taken the Federally mandated course to be able to prescribe buprenorphine), and it turns out I can get a new pair of glasses, as the one I am now wearing are 9 years old, and 2 prescriptions back...(lost or broke the others), Gee I wonder if I'll even recognize my friends...guess I'll have to rely on voices at first....LOL.

The Flower Mart was a blast, Rachel was wonderful and had so much fun.

It was so wet Sunday that I did not leave the Coffee shop all day, except to cross the lot to the Giant, where I again listened to a hunch and bought a Scratch Off lottery ticket....won enought to get a room for last night and tonight...which is good because my shed is slightly flooded!

To every one Local...the Starbucks is having a little thank you party from 6:00 to 8:00 PM Tuesday..(I may not be able to be there if a certain someone is), I will be in in the morning, early because I have doctors appts. tomaorrow all across the city. I will be going uo the St. Thomas Store after Wednesday...

It's closing time....I'll be back after I finish this round of doctor appts., on a more regular basis again.................Dave

"We're From The Gov't., And We're Here To Help............or............The Nine Scariest Words In The English Language!.........."

Good Morning;

I know that I did not plan to be here, but it's started out already as one of 'those' days. First the rain, then the certain person is at the Starbucks, and tells the temporary mgr. that I am not allowed in when she is there, which is as false as the police report she filed, but I cannot afford the hassle of fighting for my rights at this point. Then, the State of Md., in it's infinite wisdom, has garnished my Temporary Disability Assistance Payment, to apply to an old debt, that is mostly interest. Then when I try to get a shower at the ex'es before I go out with Rachel, she is playing games, and tells me no, because the kids are there...which is cool, I understand that reason...but the stupid thing is that she led me on with a possibility yesterday.....WHEN SHE KNEW SHE HAD THE KIDS THIS WEEKEND!! I hate stupid games.

So I am here venting, and waiting to see if I can get a hold of Chris. My day with Rachel is pushed back, but we will get out, even though we will not be able to do as much, thanks to the lack of funds. The really stupid thing about the money is that I will probably get a notice informing me of it in about a week. It just makes no sense, taking the only income of a homeless person.

I went to the 24 hour laundromat last night and washed clothes, so that is done.

If it was not for the fact that I'm seeing Rachel today, and my plans are really screwed, (I had promised her some things that we could do based on getting this money on it's normal date, the 2nd), I would just be annoyed and pissed...now I am feeling really bitter about everything. I hope I get a shower soon, I just got hold of Chris, that will help a lot to feel clean, and I've got enough to take Rachel to Mickey D's..and the dollar store...(that is one good thing about a 5 year old...LOL).

I'm outta here.......see you all later...and thanks for listening to me whine......

....................Dave

"Fair and Square........."

Hi;

31.68595903550972 x 31.68595903550972 =

Anne R.

Love Ya.............Dave

......You Do The Math....

"When Pigs Fly......or........H1N1 Influenza A........Hey Look, That Swine Flew!!..................."

Hello;

Ya know...one of the really good things about the Internet is that when I indulge my passsions for horribly bad puns...(the best kind!, is that I'm beyond reach of all but a select few....hee...hee...hee...hee.There is no context for the title today, it just struck me..(as some of you may want to), as funny.

The 1,000th visitor showed up minutes after I signed off last night,They are on the West Coast, their ISP is Verizon,they are running a MAC with OSX and Safari 1.3 Browser, and were referred by Google at 4:50 Pacific Time, (7:50 EDT). Welcome.

From the time I signed off last night until now their have been 29 hits, I know that in the grand scheme of things in the world of blogging this is bupkis, but hey somtimes i get only 1 or 2 hits a day, and a great many of these new hits are scattered across the country, Canada, and Spain, and many are universities. Wow! I am honored, humbled, and gratified. I also feel a bit of pressure to produce things that will keep folks coming back. I am inspired by the thought that maybe this, combined with some sort of service to others is the vehicle, or tool that will help me off the streets...well at least I feel that way now, we'll see how I feel when the next cycle of depression kicks in...LOL. But seriously, I thank all those who have contacted me with words of inspiration and encouragement,and hopes and prayers.

I am truly grateful for the gifts given and will try to 'pay it forward' and keep the karma rolling along.

It's Friday afternoon, and the library is loaded up, the computers are being monopolized by a large number of Yeshiva boys/young men, must be that period between classes and synagogue....i notice that all the women are absent...they're home doing all the work. I lived 'in' that culture for a while but could never enter into to become a part 'of' it. I am asked why I don't go to JCS..(Jewish Community Services an umbrella organization, under the auspices of The Associated) for some sort of assistance, well...I DID, twice, they were broken down into separate entities at the time, I went to J.A.{addictive} S., back in '99 when I got out of jail, for a while things were fine, they put me in touch with the 'House Of Hope', a recovery house, where I stayed for a month and a half...(that's a nightmare for another day), and I participated in group and individual therapy and counseling. I developed a deep and trusting relationship with my therapist, and told her everything, and for me that takes a lot of trust, I was and still able to get by and/or fool most mental health professionals if I am in a situation where I do not feel a connection...(hell all I have to do is tell them the facts, I've got so much, "Oh my God..No Way" in my life, that usually leaves them gasping). But with Mary S. I trusted, liked and believed her, and I opened up totally, and then came the day she told me she was leaving and going into private practice, and that she would coordinate with my new therapist and introduce us, etc... all the proper ethical tansfer procedures. And I said..NO!, I'll figure out the finances somehow, and I'll follow you where you locate your office. NOTE!!==SHE DID NOT RECRUIT OR SOLICIT ME She attempted t convince me to stay with J.A.S. but I demurred and decided to use them only for group. J.A.S. told me I was prohibited from seeing her as a private client, and threatened me with ejection from their programs, after I explained, quite bluntly that they were welcome to try to bar me, and I relished the court case that this would bring, they relented. This soured me on the organization, and after hearing my case being discussed in public, names and all, while the staff involved did not see me around the side of a bulletin board, and then being hounded by the collection department fot a $10.00 balance,(I'm on blackout in a halfway house at the time with no income!), that was the final straw.

Fast forward to last year, Rachel's mom, my ex, gets herself $3000.00 in debt with BG&E,(don't let me get started on THAT!!), and ends up with the power turned off, (the gas remained on for couple months longer), she goes to J. F.(family)S. for help, first they don't want to meet her when she is off work, telling her basically..'these are the office hours, take it or leave it', so she had to miss time from work...(this eventually was a factor in her being laid off from CitiGroup when cuts were made), and on top of that they made her take all kinds of resume and job skills classes..(she's employed at a good job all this time), before thaey would talk to her...and THEN!!...and this is where I almost lost it and....well let's just say that if it was not for some good friend's counsel and holding me back...i would not have access to a computer....you figure it out!), J.F.S. call Child Protective Services, a city/state agency and tells them my daughter is in a house without power..now this is in the early summer, no heat issues, and there was hot water and cooking gas,... C.P.S. comes out and says if Rachel stays there they,(CPS) will put her in custody!!!!...Well she was able to stay with friends and relatives for a couple months until the money was raised. J.F.S. made my daughter homeless!, instead of trying to fix the problem, they put her on the street.....yes I have such major issues with them that I cannot bring myself to go to them.

{I hope you can understand now,(for T.T.)}

I want to send my thanks out to Nathan, for the kind words, his loyal readership and the distribution across the 'net that his blog/website entry seems to have spawned.

And also to Jeremy for his support.

The library is closing soon, and I may not get on tomorrow, as I am "steppin'out with my baby"...Rachel and I are going to the Kinetic Sculpture Race, and the Flower Mart, and to see Kat's Thesis Exhibition.

www.kineticbaltimore.com

www.flowermart.org

www.katgallery.net

And the library is closed on Sundays until October, unless I get to Towson.....hmmmmm, the Towsontown Spring Festival

www.towsontownspringfestival.com

and Baltimore County 350th Anniversary Celebration is this weekend, maybe I will be back on line....if not..see you Monday

Thanks.............Dave

And The WINNAH Is..............................."

Hello;

Some thing came up, and I've got to go do my 'Blanche Dubois' routine again... you know "Ah've Always Reiahed On the Kahndness of Strangahs"...LOL I was going to hang around until number 1,000 showed up..but stuff happens!

If you are reading this on Thursday Evening...scroll alll the way down the page..keep going until you see the hit counter in the lower left hand corner..IF you are number 1,000..LET ME KNOW..comment..or e-mail me.....pretty please!!!..Inquiring minds want to know!!!...God Bless you all and see you Friday...DAVE

( maybe we can meet up..No. 1000?? )

(I can confirm by your ISP and the time of log in)

"The First Thousand................or 1 K At A Time....."

Hello;

We are going to break the sound barrier this afternoon...Mach 1 is only 5 visits away......Thank you all so much.

Okay.....Check out this site....it is called RAKTrak, and it is for tracking Random Acts of Kindness across the globe, if you are helped, or see some one helped or help someone, you log on and sign in and post it..(simplified explanation....see site for details).

www.raktrak.com

I was introduced to this by a gentleman named Jeremy, who invited me to sign on as a facebook friend, with the note that he followed my blog.

I signed on to RAKTrak also, it's what I do anyway, 'pass it on, and pay it forward'...

I was on the corner yesterday, and this guy comes up and asked for .55 cents for the bus, and I handed him a buck and handful of change, as he limped away on his crutches, a motorist on his commute home stopped and says to me, did he just see me give that guy money, I told him yeah why not, he needed it..I had it, he says but your homeless, and I said, "homeless does not mean heartless", and he shook his head in amazement and handed me a $5.00. I am not bragging, just offering an example of how just being decent can start a chain reaction...

(Anybody out there old enough [or with enough gray matter left,,after all it was the '60s...LOL] to remember "Alice's Restaurant" by Arlo Guthrie?)

See you later.............Dave

"End Of The Century..........................."

Good afternoon;

Well it's official, the signs are on the doors;

Starbucks in Pikesville is closing Cinqo De Mayo...Tuesday May 5th.

I wanted to express my thanks and appreciation to the 3 managers who were in charge during the period that I considered it my sanctuary from the streets, a haven of middle class normalcy in my stressed out street level existence. First it was Diane, who eventually transferred to the Harborplace/Gallery stores, and is now a new mom..Mazel Tov and thanks, then it was Melissa, now the mgr. at the St Thomas store, where I will going on those days when it's rainy or just 'too darn hot' this summer, (if she does not go on a permanent 'aliyah'), thanks and I'll see you next week, and finally, last but not least, Lisa, whose little unexpected gestures and courtesies made me feel comfortable and wanted, not just tolerated. Thanks, and I guess I'll find out Tuesday where you are going to re-locate to.

I am also extending my thanks and gratitude, to 'the cast of thousands', the barristas and shifts, who were generous in times of need, and allowed me to help them out in little ways, hopefully making their job easier at times, and who treated me as a friend, and shared in the jokes, gossip and banter.

Hopefully by the next time cold weather rolls around, I'll be coming by all your various scattered stores for occasional visits, not planted in one as a base of operations.

I received an e-mail last night from a gentleman named Paul who says he is a follower and wanted to send me a donation, and asked if I had paypal. Well my high financial dealings are usually conducted in small bills and coin, so electronic money movement is pretty much not a problem....LOL.

I told him that I appreciated the gesture, and if he really wanted to send me something he could use my mailing address, but it was okay if he did not.

The fact that he was moved or inspired enough to want to do such a thing, and that he said in the subject box of his e-mail, "I'm A Follower" is a great confidence booster and extremely gratifying.

Disclaimer:

Although I will take ANYTHING anyone wants to send, I am not really soliciting any money when I bitch about how broke I am, or come up with some cock-a-mamie donation idea, while I appreciate, (hell...I ADORE!!) money given to me...it is not my intent to use this forum as an instrument to influence, convince, or cajole. Most of the time the statements are made lightheartedly, even though the need may be real... I have to keep my sense of humor.

I AM serious about any mentoring or advocacy type help, or living space anyone wants to offer.

Like I say...You want to send money...Mucho Gracias!!

But there is no subliminal messaging...(twenty dollars) or hidden agenda (fits nicely in a letter size envelope) anywhere in (money orders) my writing.

(Rotflmao)

I'll be back later..............Dave

"Live From Baltimore..............It's Wednesday Night!!!..............."

Good evening;

I went down to MICA today to see the Graduate Thesis Exhibitions, at The Decker Gallery, these young artits are amazing, talented and creative...check it out..(and it is free).

After since I was down by my corner, I took advantage of rush hour, and happened to see Michelle AND Neil on their ways home from work............see you later..Dave

"The Thousand Yard Stare...or...Looking Backwards At The Future....."

Back ....again;

Thank you readers, there have now been almost 1,000 visitors to this site, and although many hits have been repeat visits..(which is another compliment entirely), I'm still honored and touched. Writing this blog almost every day is the first really consistent thing that I have done voluntarily, and actually wanted to do in quite a few years. I shot dope and went to meetings, (not at the same time...I could not 'do' NA that way, I was either in or out, but that is just me..whatever works for others is great), but after a certain point it became addiction, ritual, or social pressure that made me continue. This "exercise in exorcism" as you have me call it..(hey I like the phrase)..many times, is also a tool to help me cope and hopefully a stepping stone?, lifeline?, handhold? to re-entering the mainstream of being 'a contributing member of society'. As hackneyed as that phrase is, I really do want to create, give back, and somehow reach out to another. Bit by bit I seem to be, being pushed to make a move, by both positive and negative reinforcement..(by way of reverse psychology??..stop messing with my head God!...You've inserted enough paradoxes in my life already for me to deal with!!), and as I've said before the desire and the fear are in constant battle and flux.

Self examination and self revelation keep getting bogged down in depression and anxiety, and although I KNOW I deserve better than I am allowing myself.......I still have these suppressed feelings hidden behind a facade of functionality and competence, (at some things), of not being worthwhile enough to receive better. Same old song and dance. It is that 'leap of faith' that so hard to take, because, like skydiving, (where I had no trouble diving headlong out the door), it's NOT the fall that kills you (or worse, leaves you a cripple or a vegetable) it is the sudden stop.

Ok....back to E-mails now.........I've got a reunion from a youth group that made up a big part of my life being organized...Do I want to go, or am I too ashamed?, embarrassed?, sheepish? to show my face? Got a month or so to decide.

Back later..........yeah it's one of those 'wordy' days....LOL.....Dave

" The Ants Go Marching Two By Two...........OR...........Time To raise The BLACK FLAG!!!......."

Good Morning;

And a wet and drippy day it is.

I had a kind of lousy night, not only did I have a mild case of insomnia due to a too late in the evening dose of meds, but when I did fall asleep I kept waking up with the feeling that something was crawling on me, a little tiny itch. I kept brushing my hand over the itch, and it would stop for a while. I finally woke up enough to get the flash light and look around, and saw a teeny tiny little pussy ant..(you know, those really small brown ones that look like a piece of dirt..until they move). I smushed it and went back to lay down, but every time I would begin to fall asleep, there was that feeling again, and I would find one or two little ants on me or on the cardboard. They did not bite, just itched/tickled enough to halfway wake me up, and I'd bush it away. I had no food around to attract them, and I must just be near a nest....Greeeaaatttt!!!

This is only the second time I have had any insect problems...ever! The first was last spring when I did not see a cocoon in the corner above me, when I was sleeping under the library portico, and caterpillars kept dropping on me...yuuccchhh what a mess! Now I keep feeling these phantom tingles on my skin and everytime I look there is nothing there...LOL.

Makes me realize that I need a haircut too, the back of my nneck and my ears keep getting tickled!

I grabbed a handful of sanitizing wipes from the Giant, and I am going to wash up and change in a few to go and see Kat's thesis exhibition this afternoon. I'd like to shower, but it does not look promising, that's okay, I am not feeling nasty like I was Friday.

Back later............................Dave

I hope the rain stops by Saturday, I was planning to take Rachel to the Kinetic Sculpture Race, oh well, as long as it is not pouring. The race is always a spectator participation event anyway, so we'll just dress up in either funky rainwear or swimwear.

"That's My Story......And I'm Sticking To It!!!..............."

Hmmmmmm.

Had a visitor from the U.S. Dept. Of Justice this morning...I've got one thing to say.....

IT WASN'T ME...I'm Innocent...I was out of town when whatever it is that happened.....happened, and besides...nobody saw me, and you can't prove it!!!....(LOL)

But seriously, they were referred by ICAR...The Institute for Conflict Analyses and Resolution...??? to the blog titled 'Reach Out And Touch Someone..." It is amazing the way connections and referrals allow one to find the most esoteric and obscure information and relationships between sites and ideas. I was Googling and linking myself yesterday for a few hours. It reminds me of when we would take 'road trips' on weekends by making a random list of directions, such as...'head East for 12 miles and make the first right, the travel for 20 minutes until you can make a left.....ETC., for about 10 pages, not knowing where we would end up...the Journey being the reason, not the destination. This in a way is how I am living right now, IN 'The Moment', trying to take as much comfort and pleasure out of a situation as I can squeeze, and hoping for the best, and relying on that Golden Horseshoe that somehow got stuffed up my ass to do it's stuff. I gotta admit, my lows are pretty far down sometimes, but in general, my life is mostly filled with an air of tranquility...(now of course MY yardstick is scaled a wee bit more finely than yours may be.....perception is everything!).I mean I can joke about the D.O.J. because I once lived a lifestyle where i was looking over my shoulder for the cops every minute, even when I was not doing anything at that second..and that was it.."THAT" second. Now it's a hoot that some folks from the Md. State Police browse this site and D.O.J., and NASA have been here among others.

It's a real good thing to be easily pleased when you're living on the street, it helps with the budget!!..

Ladies...I've been trying to tell you.....I clean up well, I'm a real cheap date, and I'm low maintenance,....and I love and respect women....stop spending all your money on that guy who keeps breaking your heart!! ;~) .....back later......Dave

"Gotcha.................."

Hello;

Welcome to the reader from Northwest Hospital Center...Dave

(and thanks for all your help!!!!)

"Please Mr. Postman..............."

Hi again;

Just wanted to let you know that Random Acts of Kindness do payoff!

I figure that if I just keep Paying It Forward, my turn will come around eventually.

And...it has!

After Rachel and I played around here at the library, we went down the the Pikes Diner, which is the old Pikes movie theatre, where I spent many, many days and nights of my youth, (and as a little kid too, my dad was a projectionist when I was very small). We came back to the library, and after her mother picked her up, I got on the subway to head down to my favorite corner. The phone rang before the train came, it was the ex, telling me I had mail from New Jersey, yup..you got it..Alfredo sent me a $50.00 money order! Thank You, Mi Amigo, Mucho Gracias! (now I have to figure out how to cash it, the address is not the same as my ID, and I cannot find the change of address card)

And, while I was on the platform, I struck up a conversation with a couple in from Ohio on a visit, who were trying to find the best way to the Inner Harbor. I went into 'Tour Guide' mode and gave them advice, tips, and suggestions, along with directions. We talked about the blog and they asked for the URL, and, as I was getting off at the next exit to head over to Rachel's to get my mail, slipped a few dollars into my hand. It is really so much easier to be nice and helpful, for the sake of being nice and helpful...and it pays off when you need it sometimes, even without, (or maybe especially without) any expectations.

I must admit, I did not go to the clinic this morning, I washed and shaved early, and then ended up in a conversation for about an hour with Richard Dalcin, (the photographer, remember?? if you need any awesome portrait or wedding etc. work, use the 'search blog' tool for his link), and then ate breakfast, and then it was almost noon, and then I went to the library....(Procrastinators Inc. at your service), maybe I'll make it tomorrow.

With the weather warming up I think I have to expand my search for a suitable place to both sleep and stash my belongings. I am not abandoning my quest for a home, but I need to find someplace that leaks less and is more securable, and is also less visible, in light of the longer daylight hours, AND has better ventilation. These past two days of 95 degree heat have turned my 'hidey-hole' into a sauna.

I also want to have better and quicker access to some of my writing and my medical records, which are stashed at the ex'es, and for that I need the conditions described above, the last thing I need is to have them trashed, wet, or stolen.

{Damn, the Ramones really kicked serious ass back in the day, did they not!!}

{Thank You, Rhapsody.com, and the Baltimore County Public Library system.}

I want to take a minute to thank all the wonderful folks I've met at the Pikesville Starbucks, employees, and especially customers, who have become not only friends, but a support system and non judgemental advisory council. And in some cases a true lifesaver. When the coffee shop closes in a week, how am I going to figure the logistics when you scatter in a diaspora across the area?

We should all get together for a Cinqo De Mayo party....I'd host.......but!!!!!

Alright, the servers or routers are screwed up again, so I'm out of here for now, maybe I'll check in just before close at 8:45, since I'm staying in the A/C anyway.

.............later.............Dave

Blietzkrieg Bop,......Gabba Gabba Hey,.........or,....20....20.....24 Hours To Go...I Wanna Be Sedated!!!"

Hello...and...Li Ho Bo...你好

First I want to thank the 'loyal reader'!, from Chicago, (Northwestern University...??)..To Sia...多謝, I've seen your ISP listed before, welcome and "keep coming back"....(yeah well I went to a meeting this weekend, and some of it still lingers on..[in a good way]...LOL)

So far there have been visitors from all over the U.S., (incl Alaska, and Hawaii, and the U.S.Virgin Islands, and Guam), Canada, (Vancouver, Alberta, B.C., Quebec, and Toronto), Israel, Poland, Russia, Japan, South America..(??), Switzerland, and Sweden. Most, of course have been in the general vicinity of Baltimore. Some have been referrals from a Google search that picked up on a reference in the blog, but the majority have been right to the URL. It is both gratifying and humbling to realize that folks read this meshegas and return, sometimes frequently...I either occasionally have something worthwhile to say..or attract a group of masochists...LOL. But in all seriousness, Thank you, doing this writing is helping me stay both sane and alive.

Okay, the title...I have been in a retro mood, [circa 1974-'83] and feeling loud and anarchistic...thus.....Joey, Johnny, Dee Dee, Tommy, & Markie, have been kickin' ass and takin' names today!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMD7Ezp3gWc

If those names mean nothing to you....see the video above.

I guess I'm ahead of the curve again,,,see the article in today's Baltimore Sun, about the homeless shelter situation in Baltimore County. Sometimes there is a two week wait. It's a place to stay but it's not 'home', and as one woman interviewed says.....as helpful as the staff is, and friendly as other residents can be, they are not family. Amidst many..you can still feel isolated and alone.

This shelter appears to be set up for longer term stays, so many in the area are merely warehouses, or maybe the metaphor should be,,corrals and feedlots, where between the 'clients' and the staff,(not all, but many), and the security, (ditto), one feels like a herd animal.

Rachel is on her way to the Library.. I'll be back later, because I'll be here rather than the coffee shop..no sense in putting myself..."In Harms Way"..(Great movie...one of the best and biggest about WW II Naval Battles in the Pacific...LOL)......She's HERE!!.....LATER...................Dave

"Trivial Pursuits...................."

HI;

Guess what, had the first visitor from Japan on the blog last night, and you've hit me 960 times since the first of the year..thanks..that's pretty cool.............Dave

"Sunday Morning Coming Down.................."

Good afternoon;

Well it came to me last night about 2:30 am as I was sitting alone on the patio at the Starbucks, why I had the blues. When you've got no place to call home, you tend to find a 'safe place' where you can relax and let down your guard, and also a stress free place to hang out. Well that has been taken from me twice in one week, Once by the actions of ...(well you know about that and legal advice says, leave it there), Second by the announcement that the coffee shop will be closing on Cinco De Mayo, [okay that's TWO excuses to suck down some 'nectar de agave' and Dos Equis (dark, of course!)]....LOL.

So now I've got a case of 'Double Homelesscide' to contend with. But, I am grateful that I had a comfortable, warm, and dry place to spend the winter days, with the advent of warmer weather I expect to be more active and mobile. Though losing a 'friendly' bathroom, that is available for personal hygiene purposes with no one looking over my shoulder is a drag.

I hit the streets today for med money, and money to take Rachel out somewhere this afternoon, (which plans were screwed, because the ex did not bother to call and let me know that her sister came into town for the day, which is fine, I have no problems with Rachel seeing her aunt, but a simple effin' phone call will allow one to make other plans!!){this is getting to be an ongoing problem..I feel as if I am being kept from my daughter...I am hoping, [and I am reasonably sure], that it is merely incompetence and inconsideration}. Sorry, back to the streets, two different folks handed me $20.00 each, and about another $15.00 in ones and coin. It is a good thing too, I am out of stamps for the month....As tough as things get sometimes....God provides.............gotta go....Dave

"Home Is Where The Heart Is.......BUT....Where The HELL Is Home????.............."

Good Morning;

It's started out as one of those days; hot, sunny, and beautiful...and I've got the blues..it is probably (hopefully) only a residual toxic buildup from this past week, combined with a lack of coffee. The vindictive child was working this morning and I did not want to place myself in a situation where ANOTHER false police report could be generated, which sucks because I have to avoid my friends and the people who care about me. Oh Well, the coffee shop is going to be closing on May 5th, so at that point it will be moot. I went and washed clothes instead, and went into the liquor store and put my last dollar on the Keno, won $2.00, played again, won $2.00, played again and won $25.00, played again and did not win...so I stopped...can't beat those odds!! Chris just walked up to me here at the library and we are going to an anniversary celebration this evening, so I am going to get a shower at his place..(this turns out to be the third Saturday in a row..LOL). I hope to see Rachel this weekend, and I have some money now for meds (still need another $25.00), so even though I am blue I am still aware of my blessings. I am hoping to receive some mail from Alfredo in New Jersey any day now, and that will be a real godsend.

But what has me down is the feeling of impermanence, and transiency in my life. The feeling of never having had a "HOME" even when I have HAD a place to live, is now exacerbated and just seems to be building and building, like a pressure cooker with a bad relief valve.

Sometimes it feels as if I were riding a tidal wave, way up on the crest, aware of the coming crash, and the destruction to follow,and totally powerless to do any thing but try to keep my head above the water, at times it is possible to almost relax and enjoy the view and the headlong rush to the inevitable, at others, the more I struggle...the deeper I sink.

Okay that is enough for now, I'm gonna go see if Chris found his CDs, and then go shower and eat.....At least these are the "Philosophical Blues"...rather than the "Suicidal Blues"....LOL. Today I am more interested in eating a steak, than the gun!

And by the way, whether you can see it or not, just writing this and knowing "YOU" are out there reading it....has helped......THANKS!

later....................Dave

"Living And Dying In Three Quarter Time........."

Hi;

Have you ever sat and listened to a song, and had to stop and listen to it again, and then just kept replaying it, and just were swept away by the lyrics, into the song. A song that captures how you feel inside, for good or bad, that expresses the essence of emotions that you don't want to, but have to admit?

Artist: Jimmy Buffett

Album: Barometer Soup

Track: Remittance Man

Another of his songs that hits home, but has more pop familiarity.

A Pirate Looks At Forty

(The version on "You Had To Be There")

Get past the 'Parrot Head' hype, and listen to some of the unplayed tracks on the older albums, the man is a poet and chronicler of the dreamer, the roamer, and the overlooked.

He is also a savvy entertainer and businessman, no doubt about it, but the lesser known stuff is really better in terms of content and meaning.

Okay, so I've developed a case of the 'melancholies' again...but, what the hell it's my blog, and nobody is paying me to write for them, so subject is my perogative!!.............LOL

see ya.........Dave

"Under Pressure................"

Good afternoon;

It's Friday and the library closes at 5:30, so even though it is such a nice day out, I'm going to sit here and make up for lost time, catch up on the news, answer e-mails and make an early post. I never made it to the clinic this morning, yeah I know..., but I feel dirty, and I am embarrassed to strip down and see the doctor like this, and I must admit, as I have said before, I really hate sitting in the ghetto atmosphere of the clinic, it is the same as sitting in the 'bullpen' at the jail.

I am feeling a little shaky still, so I'm going to take it easy as I can this weekend. I am so broke it is not even worth stressing over at this point, when I find out that I owe $11,980.56, and payment is expected within a month, or I am going to be 'Detained'...yeah right...like that will help the money magically appear. I'm trying to survive on $185.00 worth of Food Stamps, and $185.00 cash a month, and my meds, which are my first priority, because I AM NOT going back to using dope, at any price..come first, no matter what!

So my attitude has to be..screw it..if I let it get to me, it'll kill me.......the consensus being that stress was the major cause of yesterday's near fatal blodd pressure spike. I talked to a doctor this morning, turns out that it is a good thing I did not realize just HOW serious the situation was, my cluelessness helped to keep me calmer and to allow my BP and heart rate to subside quicker.

I am supposed to go to Kat's Thesis Exhibition this evening, I don't think I can make it, for the same reasons I did not go to the doctor's this morning, well SOME of the same reasons, mainly I need a shower and my change of clothes is dirty...the waiting room discomfort does not apply, nor is the whole 'fear' issue applicable here.

I am extremely disappointed at this, and unless I can find some place soon to bathe, I am going to miss it. The irony here is that if I do miss it, I will be standing almost directly outside of where the gallery is, doing my 'Please Help' gig just up the street. It's Friday at rush hour and I would skip it for the show..but I am not going to the show feeling or looking like a bum, I could work around the shower, but my clothes are filthy, wrinkled, and smelly from being balled up in a bag waiting to be washed. I'm not going into MICA like that.

Don't Forget:
The Walk For A Cure For Lupus

tomorrow---Saturday April 25th

find details at my post

"Kat Scratch Fever"

or Kat's website

http://www.katgallery.net/

I was going to spill all the details that led up to my encounter on Monday with the police and the subsequent 'vacation' in Towson, but I am too tired, and do not really want to get started on a rant that may come back to bite me..I'll tell you all about it at a later date...maybe after this Starbucks finally closes up and the employees are dispersed to other stores that I will not be traveling to.....(just ask any teacher how a minor's petty comments can haunt them for a long time, one false accusation can do untold damage).

This Sunday is the last one that the library will be open until October, so I will be skipping at least one post EVERY week, not counting the occasional OOPS! day.

Ok I am gone for now..I should be back for a bit tomorrow, and possibly checking in just before closing today............see ya........Dave