Back ....again;
Thank you readers, there have now been almost 1,000 visitors to this site, and although many hits have been repeat visits..(which is another compliment entirely), I'm still honored and touched. Writing this blog almost every day is the first really consistent thing that I have done voluntarily, and actually wanted to do in quite a few years. I shot dope and went to meetings, (not at the same time...I could not 'do' NA that way, I was either in or out, but that is just me..whatever works for others is great), but after a certain point it became addiction, ritual, or social pressure that made me continue. This "exercise in exorcism" as you have me call it..(hey I like the phrase)..many times, is also a tool to help me cope and hopefully a stepping stone?, lifeline?, handhold? to re-entering the mainstream of being 'a contributing member of society'. As hackneyed as that phrase is, I really do want to create, give back, and somehow reach out to another. Bit by bit I seem to be, being pushed to make a move, by both positive and negative reinforcement..(by way of reverse psychology??..stop messing with my head God!...You've inserted enough paradoxes in my life already for me to deal with!!), and as I've said before the desire and the fear are in constant battle and flux.
Self examination and self revelation keep getting bogged down in depression and anxiety, and although I KNOW I deserve better than I am allowing myself.......I still have these suppressed feelings hidden behind a facade of functionality and competence, (at some things), of not being worthwhile enough to receive better. Same old song and dance. It is that 'leap of faith' that so hard to take, because, like skydiving, (where I had no trouble diving headlong out the door), it's NOT the fall that kills you (or worse, leaves you a cripple or a vegetable) it is the sudden stop.
Ok....back to E-mails now.........I've got a reunion from a youth group that made up a big part of my life being organized...Do I want to go, or am I too ashamed?, embarrassed?, sheepish? to show my face? Got a month or so to decide.
Back later..........yeah it's one of those 'wordy' days....LOL.....Dave
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