Good Morning;
It's started out as one of those days; hot, sunny, and beautiful...and I've got the blues..it is probably (hopefully) only a residual toxic buildup from this past week, combined with a lack of coffee. The vindictive child was working this morning and I did not want to place myself in a situation where ANOTHER false police report could be generated, which sucks because I have to avoid my friends and the people who care about me. Oh Well, the coffee shop is going to be closing on May 5th, so at that point it will be moot. I went and washed clothes instead, and went into the liquor store and put my last dollar on the Keno, won $2.00, played again, won $2.00, played again and won $25.00, played again and did not win...so I stopped...can't beat those odds!! Chris just walked up to me here at the library and we are going to an anniversary celebration this evening, so I am going to get a shower at his place..(this turns out to be the third Saturday in a row..LOL). I hope to see Rachel this weekend, and I have some money now for meds (still need another $25.00), so even though I am blue I am still aware of my blessings. I am hoping to receive some mail from Alfredo in New Jersey any day now, and that will be a real godsend.
But what has me down is the feeling of impermanence, and transiency in my life. The feeling of never having had a "HOME" even when I have HAD a place to live, is now exacerbated and just seems to be building and building, like a pressure cooker with a bad relief valve.
Sometimes it feels as if I were riding a tidal wave, way up on the crest, aware of the coming crash, and the destruction to follow,and totally powerless to do any thing but try to keep my head above the water, at times it is possible to almost relax and enjoy the view and the headlong rush to the inevitable, at others, the more I struggle...the deeper I sink.
Okay that is enough for now, I'm gonna go see if Chris found his CDs, and then go shower and eat.....At least these are the "Philosophical Blues"...rather than the "Suicidal Blues"....LOL. Today I am more interested in eating a steak, than the gun!
And by the way, whether you can see it or not, just writing this and knowing "YOU" are out there reading it....has helped......THANKS!
later....................Dave
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