"F.T.W................or.........F.T.W..!!!!!!!!!!!!..."

Good Evening;

Well I'm here again, I don't know for how much longer if sh*t keeps on going the way it has been in recent days.

The 'usual suspects' of shelter, laundry, shower, & money (or more properly, the lack of all of the above), intermixed and intermingled with physical and mental health issues, social service bureaucratic games are actually comforting and familiar in a depressingly twisted sort of way.

The ulcer I think I am getting from worry about court and incarceration (for contempt of court...it has replaced the 'debtors prison' in fact if not name), has just blossomed due to the actions of the friendly neighborhood thugs who stuck me up at gunpoint and stole the money I had accumulated towards the $300.00 I was due to pay today. (I had been saving portions of all those Keno winnings I have written about....didn't know that did you....lol). I had put away $203.00 and was going to tell the judge/master, "That's it!..it's all I have", and hoped he'd realize that it is not a joke being out here, and if not............well, who knows. But walking in with nothing, yeah right..if I'm going to get locked up anyway, hell they are going to have to earn their pay.

The thing that has me so stressed, is that the cop I flagged down was not interested in my problem, and told me that she would lock me up if I tried to press the matter, since I was not really worth the trouble, being only a homeless person.

SOOOOO....I'm FUCKED!!! no matter what!

I have not even wanted to write, but I figured I owed to all you loyal readers, who have been coming back. But I am feeling overwhelmed by

ennui and entropy

apathy and agony,

...........

...................oh great it is closing time here, I may be back tomorrow.....Dave

"Saturday's Child Is Full Of........Something!!...........LOL......."

Good Afternoon;

I just stopped in at the library to return a book and check out the next in the series that I am reading..("The Corps"...by W.E.B. Griffin)..but I had to place a hold and have it sent over from another branch. That's okay I'm reading 2 other books at the same time, "The Last Kingdom" by Bernard Cornwell, (the English, [at this point the Saxons only], resisting the Vikings, [the Danes], in the 9th century, a fairly accurate and well regarded historical fiction)...and a recently compiled collection of all of Arthur C. Clarke's SF short stories, some of which have been out of print for decades, or only in the classic 'pulps'.

I also have the portable dvd player for a while so I watched "The Spirit of St.Louis", starring Jimmy Stewart; and I still have, "Guys And Dolls", with Sinatra and Brando, among many others; and "The Pride Of The Yankees", with Gary Cooper and Babe Ruth; and "The Picture Of Dorian Gray" a 1945 version of Oscar Wilde's classic novel with George Sanders, Peter Lawford, Angela Lansbury and Donna Reed, et al; and "The Day The Earth Stood Still" with Michael Renney and others..(the ORIGINAL version!!); and a very interesting looking made for TV movie called "Longitude", about the search to find a way to determine longitude on the ocean in the days of the Great Britain's naval ascendancy, and a parallel story of the reconstruction of the device that was invented by an injured WWI pilot after the war.

I sat outside the Starbucks until 11:40 last night reading and watching a movie, then again parlayed $2.00 in to $50.00 at the gas station before going to sleep, late..the shed was stuffy and hot. This morning I slept until 8:30 and hit the coffee shop about 9:30 am., then stopped here. Nathan stopped in and we talked for a while, (I needed the stimulation of his conversation, I think the 'lack of' same has been influencing my depression), and he hands me a $20.00 Starbucks card out of the blue.....RAK at work!!!!

Thank You And God Bless!!!!!!!!!.........

It is closing time........see you all Monday....except for those who are stopping by tomorrow morning, I'll be there by 9:00 am at the latest.......

See Ya...........Dave, and thanks again for reading and returning!

"Declaration Of Interdependence.............."

Hello again;

Just a single thought that has been building in intensity for a while now and has come to a point of either explosion or implosion.

The more time I am spending with Rachel, the more the desire, need, and neccessity to acquire a place I can safely live with her is growing, and my reactions to this pressure has been all over the map. Ranging from a confident knowledge of my ability to care for her and figure a way to provide....all the way to a feeling that I'm never ever going to be able to get out of this situation.

Something is about to blow up soon, I can only hope and pray that it will be a 'controlled demolition' and that the fallout is not radioactive and toxic.

Like a waterlogged earthen dam holding back a rain swollen river during a flood, somethings gonna give, so prepare to evacuate the area downstream.

later.............Dave

"Ramblings And Rantings"

Good Morning;

Sometimes it's hard to remain grateful when one gets stuck in the loop of 'Micro-misery', and forgets to keep the bigger picture in perspective. I am guilty of this recently, partly due to the depression, and partly due to complacency, and partly due to the cumlative effects of procrastination and rationalization.

In the light of the recent highly publicized deaths of 3 famous/infamous celebrities I have had a bit of a wakeup call. The sudden and unexpected demise of Michael Jackson, of cardiac arrest at age 50..(I'm 53...); the inevitable passing of Farrah Fawcet and the painful ordeal that she went through facing and fighting a particularly miserable type of cancer; and Ed McMahon's decline and death after a series of health tragedies and battles with the resulting complications.

I read the paper from front top back everyday...(and this is not as much of an effort as it used to be, timewise.........lol)...and the daily litany of shooting, stabbing, and auto deaths have little or no effect on me, (except in cases of children's lives tragically ended), desensitized as I am to many of them by reading between the lines, and having firsthand knowledge of the lifestyle choices of many victims.

Maybe it is because I am looking at my own mortality through the lens of Rachel's vision, in the case of both involuntary and voluntary exit planning, how it would affect and reflect on her life. And to be honest and not morbid, she is the only reason that on many occasions I chose to keep going, and the only person who I did not want to hurt.

There were time when I wanted to just walk into a room full of certain people and put a gun in my mouth and splatter blood and brains all over them, and leave them to deal with the image and thoughts of the deed, f*cking their heads up for the rest of their miserable lives...(yeah I guess you could say there were some anger, rage and revenge issues, not to say a wee bit of bitterness.................lol). But I did not and only for her sake..(and before anyone calls out the guys in the white coats to bring the fancy jacket that buckles in the back....chill, the moments have passed.......lol).

I have noticed a number of new readers being referred from Janet Gilberts blog...{SEE LINKS}... and I looked in to catch up, as I have not been reading anything online in recent weeks, she has a link here and called my little 'exercise in exorcism' "inspiring". Wow, talk about pressure.....lol.......! I've been having guilt feelings about not having anything to say that I considered really worthwhile, and have even been, subconsciously I think, avoiding the library for that reason. Again, being wrapped up and consumed by the little things, has had me in a bit of "ostrich mode", as opposed to a straight up..WTF!.., and hiding rather than keeping up the front. Not that either is the best way to deal with all the crap, but at least a facade allows me to be available to pick up ideas from human interaction. And not writing about it allows everything to fester and infect my thoughts and behavior in a greater negative fashion, rather than being exposed to the cleansing and freeing effect of confession. Basically I get all whiny too.....lol.

Back to the main premise...boiled down, it renders out to this;..........Rich or poor...powerful or impotent, famous or anonymous,.....we're all gonna kick off at some point, whether sooner or later it's not always known, but life is too short to be miserable, and it really is easier to be grateful for the small blessings if the perspective is as wide as possible. Yeah misery happens, but I don't have to wallow in it..(welllll, maybe just a little, but only as point of reference, and because I'm a poet, and as David Bromberg wrote "You've Got To Suffer If You Want To Sing The Blues"......LOL!!)... even if sometimes EVERYTHING does hit the fan at the same time. What really began to bother me was the fact that I was losing my sense of humor, ironic and black as it can be, I still could not laugh. SO.....Screw it life IS a big joke...gotta grin and (try) to bear it,............Dave

Enough philoso-psycho-analysis, back to the soap opera that is my 'life'.

(or a reasonable facsimile thereof)

Yesterday, after Rachel went home from the library..and we had a really wonderful day, the vibes of which are still resonating..I went to the Giant and ended up chatting with Amber at the deli counter for around a 40 minutes as she closed, (and got a package of "ends" for $0.41, this is the best 'open secret' in town, a random grab bag cold cut selection at $0.99/lb!), then on the way out everyone who met Rachel, (we were in there earlier getting ice cream), commented on how wonderful she is, Sunday was shocked to find out she is my daughter NOT my granddaughter!, (I get that a LOT!!!....LOL),(and here is another entry in the kids say the darndest things category...Rachel looks at Sunday's smile and says to her, "You've got gold on your teeth!!", with this look of curious amazement).

I then made the decision that Yes, I DID need to get a room, for a myriad of reasons, ranging from mental hygiene to personal hygiene, and touching on everything in between...so I did.

That turned out to be a mixed blessing, I had the shower..(twice!).., the bed, the a/c, and the cable TV, plus the peace of mind of safety, but...there was a car RIGHT outside the window that had a faulty car alarm going off at regular intervals through the night, and it was not listed on any guest registration card, and then when I got up to pee in the middle of the night, when I went to wash my hands, I had left the soap in the shower on, the seat..(oh yeah, I was in the ADA/wheelchair accessible room), and being half awake, forgot that the shower was not a normal tub/shower, and when I leaned over to brace myself on the tub rim ...there was NOT one!....WHAM!!..face first on the floor, after first bouncing painfully off the seat and wall. Now my knees are bruised and my neck and left side and shoulder are all twisted up and stiff, most likely sprained, and I cannot take muscle relaxers just now due to a negative interaction with the 'bupe', something about respiratory distress leading to failure to breathe, (which is never a 'good thing'..lol!), so I spent as much time in the hot shower as I could before checkout. Thereby NOT making it to Social Security, D.S.S., and the clinic, (but this time it is not the depression/pity party from above), I'll go Monday and either soft soap one of the workers with a sob story..(WHEN, and that is the operative word, I'm ON, I'm pretty sincere....LOL) and get them to extend it one more day, being Monday, I've got a shot at that, or restart the whole process over. I'll worry about it Monday. I've been at the computer since late morning catching up. I'm still pondering what to do this afternoon...should I head out to the corner and try to pick up some cash (I have not been out since last week), or take a chance on lick and try to parlay a $5.00 outlay on the Keno (my luck has been fairly consistent on a small money level...$2.00 to $27.00 on a regular basis)? it is very hot out, and at 3:30 pm. on to about 6:30 pm. there is supposed to be a chance of thunderstorms also. The library closes at 5:30 pm. so if I am here still, I'll most likely go to the coffee shop, and sit up there until ???, the shed is going to be broiling until well into the night and there is no real way to air it out. I have a little bit of cash, a little bit of food credit, and a day or two of meds, and another change of underwear and socks, (plus a shorts/shirt and a pants/ sport shirt outfit), clean, and another set of undies at the ex'es I can grab as backup.

I really don't want to stand out on the corner in the heat, and I don't see me acquiring $300.00 by Tuesday for the judge that way, if I had a good weekend, I Might!! come up with $100.00 or so....maybe!! Soooo?? I don't know. First things first, I am going to check out the Giant deli, I had a really low budget nasty English muffin at the motel, The "Continental Breakfast" is a joke, the owners and most of the employees of this place really do perpetuate the stereotype of the "Apu the Indian/Pakistani(etc.)" 7/11 owner...cheap is an understatement, (and deodorant is an unknown!!){sorry..but it is true}. Then I'll see what's what weather wise and make a decision. I should be back here tomorrow to escape the heat, if I leave the coffee shop, and I WILL be there Sunday morning, (for the 2 folks who both said they may stop by). If I am not here tomorrow, I'll see you all on Monday, at some point, I hope.

Thanks for putting up with all my mental meanderings, and thanks for reading so faithfully........Dave

p.s.....I still need to raise some quick cash in a mostly legal manner, I consulted with a representative from H.A.D.E.S. Inc. (some sort of financial metaphysical holding company), and spoke with a Mr. Beelzebub about mortgaging my existential eternal personae, for some reason he started laughing when he looked up my IRS (that's Infernal Retrieval of Souls) file, and threatened to have me removed by security..(that's Cerberus Inc).. for attempting to peddle frozen aqueous matter. I mean, holy sh*t, I can't sell my blood for medical reasons; I can't sell my ass, 'cause I'm too old and fat (and hell even if I could, I sure as hell wouldn't want to sleep with anybody willing to opay for it!!!..LOL), and now I can't even sell my soul!..

see ya........D

"Don't Blink.........You'll Miss It................."

Good evening;

I am here at the library with Rachel, so this will be one of those quick update only posts. I never made it to Social Security or the clinic, yesterday or today. I HAVE to get there tomorrow, (nothing like procrastination until the last day is there).

I spent yesterday reading a book, and reinvesting $2.00 on the Keno, and today Rachel and I hung out at the coffee shop and the library. We were going out somewhere, but it is just too damn hot, (91 degrees at 2:00 pm.). I finally hit for $27.00...........3 times in a row!!, so I was able to have lunch and treats with Rachel today. I am serious need of a break from the 'outdoor life', and want to shower before I go to the doctors, so I think I am going to try to finagle a room at whatever discount I can get tonight, and worry about money over the weekend, it is going to be 90 or above all weekend anyway, so I may as well have one night of comfort. I hope to be back tomorrow, or Saturday...(unless I can find a ride to the Virgin Mobile FREEFEST, sincr I am a Virgin Mobile customer, I am elegible for first crack at the tickets..(that $0.18 per minute phone charge may finally payoff............LOL)...........later............Dave

"Bored, Broke, and Bitchy.............."

Hi Again;

I was sitting outside of the Starbucks on Sunday night after close (and acting as the unofficial 'bearer of bad news......as in "sorry, they close at 8:00 pm. on Sundays"....) over and over again, when Ted drove up, he started to go into the BaskinRobins instead and asked me if I wanted an ice cream, at that point the LAST thing I needed was anything dairy...LOL so I thanked him and said no,. He came back a few seconds later, the line inside must have been a mile long, and slipped me a couple of $5.00s on his way back to the car..........thanks buddy, it was both unexpected and appreciated!!

One of the reasons the depression hit me so hard and deep this time is because of the feelings of guilt, hopelessness and helplessness that I (rightly or wrongly) feel due to the fact that Rachel is living in such Chaos and I am impotent at this time to do anything about it, without really coming down hard on her mother. I have no leverage, or influence, or 'ammunition' to use that is not out of proportion to the result I wish to obtain. I have tried finesse and negotiation, ala Obama, but it seems that the only way I have left is to go Bush/Cheney..........screw diplomacy and tact......drop the f*ckin' "Big One"!!, but that means opening the door to her being examined by certain State agencies for fraud and also the possibility of Rachel being placed in foster care, which is unaccepatable. It could also affect her already messed up custody problems with her other kids, and at THIS point, I'm not that vindictive. But c'mon, can you blame me for being upset when I'm told that arrangements are being made to take the damn kittens to the vet for shots and neutering, AND SHE WON'T GET OFF HER ASS TO GET MY DAUGHTER'S HEALTH CARE STRAIGHTENED OUT!! (and before you ask..NO I cannot claim her and make arrangements....UNTIL AFTER I get a place and she is living with me part of the time).

I am going to Social Security tomorrow, more forms that 'got mis-filed' and expired. Then on Thursday I have to go sit at the JAI clinic for hours, then I have to get over to their East Baltimore office.........OH JOY........2 days of 'official', bureaucratic ignorance and apathy. It's times like this I miss the simple, uncomplicated, life of a lowlife, dope fiend, junkie, stick up artist..................ahhhhhhhhhhhh nostalgia.......................LOL.

Back later..................Dave

P.S....If anyone knows of a job that is NOT!!! physical labor, selling, or having to deal with the public in a customer service way....(at this time, there is no way I can 'suffer fools gladly').....that is ALSO 'off the books' please let me know...I've got to make some legitimate cash real fast!!..THX,,,D.

'There Ain't No Cure For The Summertime Blues............."

Good Afternoon;

I'm just logging on to let you all know that I am still alive and not locked up or hospitalized.

Since I left Rachel on Friday afternoon around 5:00 pm. I have fighting against a serious bout of this damn DEPRESSION!!! exacerbated by worry about court a week from today, (the $300.00 is just not going to happen unless I hit the lottery), and a call from the doctor to come in and talk about the results of the tests from last month, and the current chaotic living situation that Rachel is in, and a general lack of availability of companionship and intelligent non-superficial conversation due to the closing of the Pikesville Starbucks and the scattering of my group of regular..?.....co-conspirators..........lol. Add to that mix an ever increasing emptiness caused by an intense longing for affection, physical intimacy and attention, that is also being exacerbated, in this case, by a combination of abundance and un-availability.....(I am falling in love...{unrequited and unannounced}...at least half a dozen times a day), it may be politically incorrect to say this but, I don't care, there are so many lovely women I see during the course of the day, that I am going into aesthetic overload................lol! But in all seriousness, because I know my limitations at this time, I am in no position to take a relationship any further than ...hello...and it is frustrating at times, and emotionally painful and ...here we go full circle....Depressing.......

anyway...time is up for now....I hope to back this evening.....

thanks for reading......Dave

"Night Shift, Third Watch, and The Late, Late, Late, Show..................or......Insomniacs Delight................"

Good evening, or rather, good night;

I am at Rachel's mother's..the EX..house for 2 days and a night while she and her live in are off in New Jersey somewhere. I am grateful for the opportunity to spend the time with Rachel but,..I am apalled and disgusted at the way my daughter is being forced to live. The bathroom walls are covered with mold, and the last time they were washed was 2 years ago....I know this because I am the one who did it!!!! All it takes is a bottle of Tilex and a spray with the hand held shower nozzle! When food falls on the kitchen floor it MAY be picked up that day, but the floor won't be washed for weeks and spills are wiped and left to dry. Rachel's bed has had no sheets on the mattress for at least a week, only the blanket she uses, and the floor is covered in her sister's clothes and shoes...(and these are teenagers who are only here on weekends)..and her brothers and her toys. Clean clothes are piled on any flat surface and left in baskets..or stuffed at random in the dresser when there is no other place to dump them.

Not only do I have to worry about a strange man living with my 5 year old daughter, for the obvious reasons, but if this is the way he is willing to live as well as the way the EX is living, now I am worying about the simple fact that she is going to end up like the other 4 kids in school, with no sense of organization or proper sense of order at all. I am seeing lighters left within reach and kitchen knives left at eye level on the counter within reach of her......she is only 5 damn it!!!

I gotta stop before I say something I'm gonna regret.

I want my child to be able to get the education that I did not, and everything that she is being taught, has been proven through study after study to teach hard to unlearn bad habits and limit possibilities for educational growth. And every time I try to bring it up in a calm and reasonable manner....along with the need to get her to the pediatrician..(for over 2 and 1/2 YEARS!!)..I am met with a wall of silence and some throw away agreements, and nothing happens. The EX is allowing her ego to come before her own daughters health and well being, if ANYONE else says a word, they are wrong...she knows better.

Sorry, but I had to get it out...I'm done talking, pleading, cajoling.....if things don't change, and answers are not forthcoming, I'm having my lawyer friend call C.P.S., and D.S.S., as she has been urging me to do for a year.

And if my daughter is being exposed to cigarette smoke in the house or car, the shit will really hit the fan, supposedly he is not smoking in the house, but it smells like stale smoke.

Enough.........Rachel and I watched 'Barbie...Pegasus" today...TWICE!!, and some old 'Toonerville Trolley" cartoons from the '30s and '40s on DVD today, because there is no TV here...(the EX allowed 2 FREE!!! converter box certificates to expire.....that some one else had already gotten for her!!)

Now she is using the excuse that they "Are not TV watchers anyway", ..right......and don't even get me started on the ADD factor.

Sorry.....

I had picked up a set of 2 plastic 'push-up-pop' s at the Giant for her, just like the paper ones we got from the truck when we were kids, but these are fill it yourself and washable and reuseable..needless to say ...they were used often....lol.

so tomorrow morning we are taking the train to Hopkins so I can get some more meds, the back here for lunch and MORE ice cream!

Then I am outta here tomorrow evening.

Oh get this, last night I was in the gas station waiting for the rain to stop and I saw a pile of used LOSING!!! scratch off tickets in the trash can, so just for 'shits and giggles' I picked them out and checked them over......people really are dumb sometimes, I pulled a $1.00, a $2.00, and a $5.00 winner out of there, played $5.00 on the Keno, parlayed that in to $56.00 worth of winners, and ended up leaving with $50.00 after $10.00 for minutes on my phone was subtracted out!!! Can't beat that with a stick....LOL....just goes to show....

"You've Got To Play..(IN THE TRASHJ CAN)..To Win!!!"............LOL!

Alright, new topic. On Tuesday, after I returned to Starbucks from D.S.S., Jonathan pulled me aside and said that the facilities/property manager of the shoping center had come in looking for thr manager and asking about the homeless guy that had been hanging around there. Jonathan told him about me, that i was a customer and knew many people there, and was basically a good guy, and honest, and not any kind of a threat.

As I was sitting outside of the coffee shop wednesday night at closing time waiting for thr next bus to come at 9:39 pm. a man walked to the locked door and knocked, and when Michael let him in I heard him (Mike), say, 'Oh Yeah, you're the manager...". When he came out I said "I hear you are looking for me" and introduced my self. He had not realized I was who he had been checking on, I guess because I had just shaved and changed in to fresh clothes earlier that evening. We talked for about a half hour and he said that he had seen me on the security video footage and his boss had wanted to know what's up. I gave him the abbreviated version of 'Dave's World....', and seemed to allay his fears, and we had a nice conversation after that until I had to catch the bus. I perfectly understand their concerns and told him so and assured him that I was not sleeping anywhere near by, or on the property.

Well I'm going to read for a while and find the least beat up bed to sleep on...they all kill my back here.

Oh by the way, another movie pass wasted!

See you............ Dave

"Humpty-Dumpty..........or.............Scrambled......"

Hey;

Its' pouring down rain, too hard to stand on the bus stop, so I'm back killing time on the computer.

Neil gave me 2 pair of tickets for two ( 4 tickets) to a preview screening of a movie at White Marsh, tonight at 7:30 pm.

It is " Away We Go" starring Maya Rudolph and John Karsinski.

Anyone interested????.......with a car!!

OR

I'll sell them for $8.00 a pair, one or both pair,

I'll check my e-mail again in an hour or so, or call me.

Later.........Dave

"Over The Hump..............."

Hi, I'm back for another round;

To Continue;

Two people stopped in 45 minutes and one kind gentleman handed me a $20.00, I really did not want to be out there so this was a great relief of pressure and tension. Looking over my shoulder for the nasty cop is stressful enough, but there have been a rash of incidences of homeless people being harassed and robbed by groups of kids recently that have not made the news because they were not reported to the police,( for various reasons ranging from a fear of the police, a fear of retaliation by the thugs, open warrants, drug and alcohol use and abuse, and the lack of interest shown by the authorities). So, here I am.

I had an e-mail from the EX waiting from yesterday. She and her 'friend' are going out of town on Thursday and Friday, and she offered me the chance to stay at the house and watch Rachel, as a "Father's Day Gift", knowing full well that I am always available to watch her with no inducements. So I have a night inside and a couple days with Rachel coming up, and an opportunity for a much needed shower and a chance to do some laundry also. There's a computer there so I'll be posting something, and we will most likely be at the library too. I am looking forward to some nice normal 'daddy time' with her, without having to break it off after a few hours. Making meals and putting her to bed and just hanging out.

I'm going to get some lunch now and some coffee, I've been 'dry' since 7:00 pm . yesterday, time for a caffeine fix!!

I may be back in the library tonight, I've been reading about one book a day since the Pikesville store closed, and it's time to 're-up' my stash.....lol.

I had a short Facebook chat with Alfredo this morning, he is the man whose phone I found, pretty cool that he reads the blog still and stays in touch........gotta go.......Dave

"HUMP DAY...."

Good Afternoon;

As you see I skipped another day, I just didn't feel like coming to the library. I was in and out of the gas station all Monday night using the bathroom, and got very little sleep. I was at the coffee shop early and washed and changed and shaved as best as possible in the bathroom, making do with a,..Sink Shower..Helmet Bath..John Wayne Shower..or..Whores Bath, depending on where you are from. I dropped the last shard of anti-perspirant in the toilet as I was trying to use it...it really started out as one of THOSE days. I had an appointment at Dept. Of Social Services, (Baltimore City ...!!Northwest!!!....if you've ever had to deal with them you Know what that means!), and I was looking forward to it about as much as a root canal or a colonoscopy....(coincidentally, I am in need of both.....LOL).

I left the Starbucks at 10:30 to catch the bus for an 11:30 appt. and as soon as I got off one bus, the second was there, so I was early and expected to have to wait for about 2 hours, based on past experience. I was pleasntly surprised to be called even before I had finished filling out the forms I was given, (that are EXACTLY the same. with no changes of information, as the last 3 sets I filled out, and which are the same as the information on file in the computer....and which the 'worker' skims through, then throws away..???), and led into a room with others who were also only there for a redetermination/recertification. After only a 20 minute wait I saw a 'worker' who proceeded to skim my paperwork..!!..photocopy my photo ID..(again...?? it has not changed...??), and gave me a form telling me I had 10 days to bring a letter/form fron Social Security declaring the status of my case, (pending.....which information is also accessible to them on the computer AND already on file in my file on the computer..), I was back out at the bus stop in a total of 45 minutes..!!!! This may not seem a big deal..UNLESS you have dealt with them before, normally a whole day was wasted for a 15 minute interview, and even just to drop off a document and get a receipt took at least an hour. So we'll see about that soon too.

I went back to the coffee shop, again catching the second bus quickly, and sat and read until 8:30 pm., when I caught the bus "home" to Pikesville, where I stopped in at the Giant and used the bathroom, and visited with some folks I have not seen fopr a few weeks, stopped at the gas station, then went to lay down. So the day was half productive and half lazy.

Today, I did not want to go up to the Starbucks this morning, (I think I have fallen into a rut), I did my morning ablutions at the Giant, visited with Pam and hit the bus before 8:00 am. I ended up on train, so I got off and onto the Light Rail, and went to the corner for an hour, because I've been broke for 3 days, except for food...which I have been overindulging in.

Times up......I'll be back later this afternoon.....Dave

"Blue Monday .......again......."

Good evening;

It's been three days almost and I'm just getting around to making a post. I have an halfway excusable reason for Sunday, the only library open being Towson, but for Saturday and Today it's just been a total lack of motivation and energy, coupled with some sleep issues,(like at the wrong times), and the resulting exhaustion. It's pretty much the aftermath of climbing out from the surrounding fog of Jello that encompassed me due to last weeks depression. It was a pretty bad 'incident' as the docs called it, with 'ideations'. I'm a good deal better, but still down and so, so tired. Those "DEPRESSION HURTS" commercials on TV are about 50% as intense as the reality.

If it had not been for the fact that I was able to see Rachel a few times and go to the movies and the magic show with her (and she came to Starbucks again yesterday morning) plus seeing Michelle twice,(I stopped by her office at MICA on Friday just before I hit the corner), it would/could have been much worse.

I sat in the coffee shop Saturday from 6:00 am. to close at 9:00 pm., and sat outside until the rain stopped at 11:00 pm before I left. Except for going back and for the Giant, I did not move. All I did was drink coffee and eat..and eat..and eat, and then had al frsco cocktail with Michael the Barrista after close. I kept planning to go to the library, and then go get some cash and find a shower, but.....I could not find the effort/energy.

Sunday I missed the bus I wanted (it was way!! early) so I went to Monkee's around 8:30 am. to pay her and pick up more meds. (Which I was able to do because as I was in the Giant getting dinner my hunch said play the last dollar on the Keno, and when I handed in the ticket after shopping, it was a $25.00 winner).

As I was getting back to the Starbucks about 10:15 am. Rachel called and asked where I was..They were at the coffee shop....(of course I told the Ex to call me BEFORE she left the house, to be sure I was there....but I got lucky this time)

Time is up I gotta leave now.......................see ya Dave

Love Is In The Air

Good afternoon;

It's Friday and the library is insane, there are 19 people waiting for computers, so I am not going to get back on. Just a quick tidbit today.

I want to say Hello to Ted and his ladyfriend, (I'm sorry I forgot to ask your name). They were occasional regulars at the Pikesville Starbucks, nad came into St Thomas today. I so enjoy watching them, they are so romantic, like a couple of teenagers.....LOL. He was surprised that I remembered them...how could I not....LOL!

I'm out of here, going to try my luck out on the corner this afternoon at rush hour, it's that time again........$000.00...........LOL

See you tomorrow.......Dave

Visiting Editor........"

Hello;

This is RACHEL!

C-U-L8R

"Tastes Great..............Less Filling"..............Much, Much, Much, Less Filling!!!!!!!!!!!!......."

Hi There....Me Again;

Well, who else would it be, except maybe Rachel,.......speaking of whom..(who?), ...I called her mother and was reminded that we were going to the library tonight at 7:00 pm. to see a magician/comic named Mike Rose. I thought Rachel might have forgotten, but NOOOO!!, she was talking about it all day, going out with her daddy! The show was a lot of fun and we are for another half hour or so. I'm gonna have to postpone my exercise in ..fermented malted barley consumption and ethyl alcohol quality control percentage examination..until a later date.

Well at least I won't have to worry about crying in my beer.......LOL

see ya.............................Dave

"A Mind Is A Terrible Thing.......(oh yeah)....To Waste......or.........Screw It, I'm Gonna Get WASTED......"

Hello again;

I was just reflecting on how the rhythm of my life has changed since the Starbucks in Pikesville closed, and also the effect the change in seasons has caused.

My 'commute' has lengthened from 50 yards to about 3 1/2 miles, or from 30 seconds to 15 minutes,(plus waiting time for the bus.....[2 minutes to 59 minutes]..).so now I have to take into consideration the fact that I can't just 'wake, pack, and go', the intensity of the 'morning pressure' shall we call it must be taken into account, and factored in.(And except, seemingly, for their elevators at certain Metro stations,{but that's another story}, the MTA frowns upon peeing on their equipment.........lol). The warmer weather has also negated the need for a rapid transition from sleeping bag to heated structure, so if my back and bladder are not screaming I may not jump up at the minute I can get inside, or on the bus. (Though the past few days I DID for some reason get up and out at 5:30ish am.??).

There is not the same group of people to talk to, more passing acquaintances at this point, rather than confidants, so I feel no pressing need to rush out there.

Once I am there, since the library is no longer a short walk away, and I have no relationship with the folks at the Giant, or other businesses, I tend to sit longer, rather than wander around the neighborhood. And to be quite honest the 'people watching' is much more enjoyable up there.....money, education and genetics make for a good mix!! (this is only an anecdotal observation, but the Orthodox Jewish community [whose presence at this store is proportionally less than at Pikesville] may be damaging themselves genetically by being so clannish, not that they are becoming inbred through unsafe practices, but the insularity due to so many smaller segments that follow different Rabbi's teachings, result in a smaller gene pool to choose from, a kind of 'kosher cloning'.........lol). And for those who may not know....I am Jewish, though not religious, so this is not a racist comment. The bus runs much less frequently out here and so I have longer travel intervals to go anywhere. Again, I am tending to stay still, and since I had a lot of Starbucks and Giant credit, and I am not doing drugs and have not had the cash to go out and either buy a bottle or go to a bar as often....I have been eating gooooood!!, which brings me full circle, because now I am too full and comfortable.....(read = bloated....lol)to leave.

And of course the recent depression both feeds on and feeds this cycle.

The whole point of this ramble is that I am coming to a boil as it were, I feel like a dam about to burst or overflow, and I am not sure which is the better option, but it's time to make a move.

NOW the friggin' paradox starts revolving...I listen to some of the conversations of the business people who come in and think 'I know I could do that', and read about things in the paper that folks are doing and creating, and it's the same thing, 'I could and would like to try that', (notwithstanding the training, experience, or documentation requirements at this point)....THEN.. the voices kick in, with all the reasons why not, most times I can argue the point and win.......but what kills me, and I mean in an almost literal sense is the sheer mental and emotional weight that seems to bear down upon me when I attempt to physically make a move to change, if you have not been in this space yourself, the only thing I can say is that those 'Depression Hurts.....EVERYONE' TV commercials are very true and close to reality....BUT, off by a magnitude of at least 10. Ever see a mime trapped in an invisible box, that is a pretty good representation of what it feels like from the inside of my skull.........(minus the white makeup).

So I've got this premonition that somethings about to explode....or implode. I just hope it's not my head.

(The constant thought that hangs over my head, like the Sword Of Damocles, of going back to court on the 30th is not helping.)

It's a entwined and twisted strand forming a Mobeus strip,...I want more, I deserve more, I can get more, but I never will because I'm not worthwhile, and I'm not good enough, so settle for what little I have and be grateful, and carve out a comfortable as possible little niche down in the gutter, but be a good person and something will come through.........and on and on and on, up and down and over and over, until even I get sick of hearing it in my head to the point where doing something stupid to silence it seems reasonable, and then I see Rachel again and I want to do something for her and I get all confident again and make plans......and the whole F*cking cycle begins again!!!!!..........BOOM!

Is it any wonder that I am always exhausted these days.....what I just bitched and moaned about was only the daytime version, the night time show is produced and directed by Wes Craven and George Romero!!!!!!!!!!!

This is first time I've said this in years....

I NEED A BEER....Or three, or five.......I'll see you tomorrow, 'cause now..I'm gonna go figure out a way to liberate a six pack of ice cold adult barley pop from the clutches of the evil liquor overlords.

It's Miller Time.....(or Hammer Time possibly), and I know it won't solve a damn thing, but tough sh*t, I want to get a beer buzz!!

(please send all lectures to my new e-mail... wwww.yadayadayada.idontcare)

,thank you, see you tomorrow.......I hope............Dave

p.s........this is not a pity party...I'm A HAPPY drunk!!

(and if you are reading this on Thursday the quote from Harriet Beecher Stowe is true...)

"...'Bison'tennial...Post.........................."

Good afternoon;

So I don't really have that much to say, but this happens to be the 200th post on my little blog here. There have been 1569 visitors from about 30 states and 15 countries, (of course a lot of those folks were probably lost.....LOL), I'm pretty damn amazed. I want thank everyone for reading and coming back for more, it has been inspiring and gratifying to know that for whatever reason you all have a desire to check in on this train wreck of a life of mine.

I spent the morning and afternoon with Rachel yesterday at Starbucks and the library. We were on the kids computer when I heard a woman say that looks like Rachel. I turned around and it was my friend Michelle nad her daughter Remy. She looked up and looked past me and then snapped back in to focus and realized I was right in front of her...LOL. We lamented the loss of 'our" Starbucks and the fact that the one where I go is out of her way unless she has the time to really sit, and right now, with her job and Remy between school and camp....she doesn't. We made tentative plans to get Rachel and Remy together some time soon, and we can sit and catch up. There are a few special friends who I really miss seeing on a regular or semi-regular basis. But the simple fact that I was able to develop and cultivate these relationships is truly wonderful, especially in light of the fact that if I was not homeless at the moment, I probably would not have met them....(Benefit # 11....see prev. post ...... LOL).

I went back to Starbucks last night after Rachel went home, (of course we had to stop back at the Giant for an Iced Gingerbread Man cookie for her to eat after dinner.......who me??? twisted around her little finger???.......nah.....lol.) I met with an old friend and former housemate, Jerry, and his wife Ellen, and we watched the rain and thunder and lightning come in from the north, it rained about 3 inches in 2 hours.....so I just sat and read until 10:30 pm. I did my usual gas station $1.00 Keno stop, no luck. Gary was there and he had hit for a nice amount, so he threw down a $20.00 and said play it and we'll split the winnings. Hit for $10.00 in the first 3 games of Keno and Racetrax, Gary said play it again....from then on it went downhill...but we had a lot of fun yelling at the video screens.......LOL. Luckily it was his money, I don't play like that, only a dollar here or there, and stash any winnings.....or quit.

Went to sleep, after cleaning up the shack from the rain and wind, and back up to the Starbucks, then here.

Out of time for now.....more later..................Dave

"Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite 'em, And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum....."

Good Afternoon;

I'm here at the library with Rachel, she came up to the Starbucks and we went to the Giant and got ice cream and then her mother dropped us off here for the afternoon. Twice in 2 days I'm on a roll, (a good one for a change!!.......LOL).

I just popped online for a minute because Another (uniformed and clueless)person gave me grief about "why don't you sleep in a shelter?"

To all who are still not sure why, here is Reason #237 ;

VERMIN!!!!....(and in this instance...NOT the human kind!!!.....LOL!).

See The Baltimore Sunpaper, Tuesday 06/09/09, titled = "More People Homeless In Baltimore" by Julie Bykowicz, www.baltsun.com , and note the city's downplaying of the battle against the flea infestation.

Also note that the statistic that reports that :

•More than 30 percent of the people in shelters were chronically homeless with substance abuse and mental health problems.

You do realize that this means that 70% of those in shelters are people who could easily be friends, neighbors, or relatives? Those that may be considered...normal.

(For those who are new readers and wondering, I fall somewhere in the middle, and uncomfortable as it may be to say so, must confess that I am sometimes part of the problem..)

Okay, I'll be back later after Rachel goes home..................Dave

"Simple Pleasures...................."

Good evening;

Sometimes a little jingle in the pocket can change your whole outlook, especially when it comes in a 'miraculous' way. Last night I put down my last buck on the Keno, cause..what the hell... and lost...BUT,... I found a pile of scratch offs on the counter and was about to toss them in the trash, and something said...'check them'!!, soo i did. One was a $5.00 winner that the person did not check thoroughly!, I played $4.00 on the Keno and won $25.00 and $2.00! this morning as I was walking past the liquor store on the way to the Giant, again something said play a buck, so I did, $25.00. !! today i had a shower and wahed clothes and a hair cut and took Rachel to the IMAX to see Night At The Museum..Part 2, and I still have a few bucks left, and we gave this homeless person a buck at the train station too. I'm out of time see you tomorrow, and thanks God!!

........Dave

" And The Envelope Please......".

Hello;

As Promised;

The Top Ten Benefits Of Being Homeless:

10)- No Property Taxes

9)- No Gas and Electric Bills

8)- No Door To Door Salesman

7)- Mayor Dixon's Once A Week Trash Pickup Is Not An Issue

6)- Unwanted Visits By The Inlaws Are Eliminated

5)- No Junk Mail

4)- No Excess Possessions

3)- Frequent 'Al Fresco' Dining Opportunities

2)- Multiple Chances To Experience Nature Firsthand

1)- NO PERFORMANCE ANXIETY!!!

(when a beautiful woman smiles and hands you money, she's not trying to pick you up!!!!!!!!)

See Ya....................Dave

"Part 2.....[READ ME AFTER PART 1]............................(duh)........LOL..............."

Hi, sorry about that, lost track of time;

As I was saying, the weight on my mind seems to overwhelm any lightness or relief I feel, and normally little things build up quicker than the 'vig' on a loan shark's books.

I have not been able to see Rachel for a week due to various reasons and the 'ex' just will not do the simple courtesy of having her call me to say Good Night as she is going to bed, I've asked over forty times and she says yes, and may have her call once or twice, then nothing until I bug her again...over and over and over. I'm about ready to start showing up every night at 8:00pm. and insist on seeing her just to force the point, and call CPS and DHR if I am given any grief........I've got enough to worry about, without having to constantly...................sorry again, there is more going on than that, and you don't have all the gory details.

Enough already.....I'll summarize........okay?

I feel like crap, I feel like I look and smell like crap, I'm broke and when I tried to even go out on the corner Sunday(I did pick up $7.00), I had to leave after 20 minutes because the pressure inside my head almost reached critical mass and the point where a chain reaction was imminent. I rode the Light Rail for 3 hours and got off at Hunt Valley Towne Centre and wandered around for a while......BIG!!!!!! mistake, talk about feeling alone in a crowd, and isolated, went back to the Light Rail and the Metro, to the bus to the Starbucks..(killed another 2 hours with Sunday scheduling) and got there at closing so I could use the bathroom. I sat out side at the tables afterwards, because it really is the only place to sit, went to Giant and got some dinner, and sat until 10.45 pm, ("Mike/Leo" came by and ignored me...thank God, I could not take his constant bitterness, negativity, and blaming others.....I mean, I'm depressed, and I get angry and hurt...but not 24/7, and I accept that I am responsible in part for my situation, and I do see the bright side occasionally, and I AM grateful for what I receive.....you think I whine...!!!!!) and went to the gas station, lost at Keno, and went to lay down......and got hit with a bout of loneliness so intense that I had a razor blade in my hand ready to start slicing and dicing myself just so I could go to the hospital and have some one (female) touch me and pay attention to me.......Sick????, hell yeah.....did I do it???, not THIS time, and only because I feel that am not clean, and I would have been embarrassed. Then I fell asleep only to awake an hour and a half later with the same stomach and related issues that had me running for the gas station bathroom...again. I fell back asleep until 7:30am. for a change, went to Starbucks and again pigged out......and here we are at the library.

I am at a point right now that is on the upward side of the scale, the problem that bothers me is, as I said, the loss of any sense of 'predictable time factor', my moods are going up and down faster than an epilectics Yo-Yo!

okay..outta time..I've got to go sign on again, I may be back ....Dave.

"...O, Canada!........"

Hello visitor from Canada!!

...Dave

Part 1

Good evening;

Welcome back Canada, wow, you must have read all the posts all the way back to last November, Thanks!!

We also had Great Britain, Spain, and a new country, Switzerland stop by this weekend, some of whom actually stayed and read for a minute...lol...(sometimes it takes so little to please me and....my ego!).

Speaking of which, a person came up to me in the Starbucks Sunday, asked if I was Dave, and said they read my blog and we sat and talked for a while........a small thing to some maybe, but a needed boost to my (at the moment) very low sense of self worth and esteem..............THANKS, You!!

It's just too bad that the feeling does not last and the depression pours back in...it's like trying to dig a hole in the sand at the tideline at the beach, even if you build walls and barriers all around to block the waves, the hole fills from the bottom slowly, steadily, but surely as a Sunday night backup at the Bay Bridge.

I hate this damn depression, I used to be able to.. if not exactly manage, then predict the severity and frequency. It was fairly trackable and cyclicable. Now....sh*t....it's about as stable as a crackhead who just hit the lottery....(and sometimes I feel I have about the same life expectancy).

I'm caught in a circle of lethargy, lack of motivation, low ambition, guilt, overeating because I can..(I've got loads of food credit..[that I can't find a buyer for], and Starbucks cards), meds for about a week, and these conversations in my head...(sometimes I try to join in but usually I get shouted down...lol), the gist of which are saying 'why bother' and 'it's not going to change', which lead me to settle for just making myself as comfortable as possible, while I can,.......because the sh*t is going to hit the fan at the end of the month anyway, no matter what I do or don't do.........................gotta run.........Dave

"DRIP DRIP DRIP....Not Good To The Last Drop!!!!...."

Good Afternoon;

So I've missed a couple days,in the middle of the week and not a holiday, at least one of you noticed and e-mailed me..Thanks Anne.

The rain started after I got to Starbucks on Thursday, and did not stop coming down in a continuous downpour until 9:30 pm that evening, just long enough for me to get to the bus stop. It started up before I even got halfway down Reisterstown Rd. to Pikesville, and as soon as I finished at the gas station and was on my way to my little hidey-hole the heavens opened up again. There was a steady, heavy rain until almost 6:00 am., and I spent the first hour before laying down taking sheets of card board and making deflectors to channel the leakage from the roof and walls away from my narrow coffinlike sleeping area. Necessity is the Mother of invention, and I gotta tell you I made few "mother" references that night...LOL! I caught the 6:00 am bus to the Starbucks and on the way up, the torrential storms started up again, I made it across the street and inside by pulling an extra large clear plastic trash bag over me and my bags (I looked like a giant jellyfish..LOL......which reminds me,...when I scrape up some cash I want to take Rachel to the National Aquarium to see the new "Jellies of the Deep" exhibit...{Throckmorton take a memo!!}.....[that's my new P.A...since you've all graced me with over 1500 visits, I figure that I deserve an entourage to go with my new found fame???/infamy...].....lol), it worked great..except for one teeny tiny flaw, something to do with oxygen and carbon dioxide??? Hello boys and girls..can you say asphyxiation????.....LOL..(as you can tell MORE irreversible brain damage!)

Okay, back to the narrative, I spent all day Friday also staying dry at the Starbucks, the rain finally stopped around 8:00 pm. I went back to the gas station, watched the TV show NUMB3RS and the first half of the news, lost at Keno, (only $2.00, I followed my instincts and quit, good thing too, I tracked the next 25 games and my numbers NEVER came out....that is pretty rare! I may gamble a few bucks on it but I don't expect or feel entitled to win every time....and my hunches have been fairly reliable, so I go with them ).

I went into the shed and the cardboard drop ceiling had literally done just that, so I took the soggy pieces to the dumpster and placed my last reserves in position and went to sleep. I woke up about 4:00 am with the worst case of stomach cramps...(I ate way, way too much in the past few days)...(and it was all free..mark outs from Thursday...I just finished them today...Thanks Jonathan and Ed!!...), and went over to the gas station to use the bathroom, I had to rap on the door to wake CJ up..(must have been a real slow night because of the rain...LOL). I went back to sleep for another 2 hours and caught the bus to the Starbucks......and now I'm here at the library. Look at that...it's the Sun!! finally!! I've got food and meds and no cash so I'm only minor league stressed. I may head out in the next few minutes to see wht I can acquire, I have not been down the corner for a few days.

R.A.K.s

I came upon a blog the other day by 'chance' here at the library and commented on a post the woman wrote, she e-mailed me after reading my blog with a very nice offer to give or send me some Starbucks gift cards that still had a balance on them that she was not going to use. Thanks "HOPE"!

I have made the acquaintance of a man who comes in the Starbucks every morning with his girlfriend..(who I thought was his daughter........OOPS..sorrry...LOL), we met because I admired his Rousch Mustang....it's hot!!, and we talk for a few minutes every day. This man, Tony, is the owner of L'il Tony's Pizza in Owings Mills, and walks in yesterday as usual and we joke about the weather and exchange the pleasantries. As he is walking out, he comes by my table and hand me a starbucks gift card and says "Here Dave, a little gift for you", totally unexpected AND!! unsolicited. Out of the blue!! Turns out it has $30.00 on it. Thanks Tony!!!!

What can I say, at my lowest, bluest, grayest,..Blackest! moments normal everyday folks, with their unselfish kindnesses and courtesies help to pull me back from the edge of the abyss that depression seems to want to lure me down into.

These acts sometimes humble me and sometime shame me into remembering to express my gratitude, to them and to God. Some folks insist that they are only instruments of God's will with these acts, but I say, No, you are as much a part of the deed as anything else, natural or supernatural, because we all have the ability to say no or to choose not to perform the acts/tasks/deeds that are asked of us.

Enough philosophy/theology!!!

Thank you all, there have been more than 1500 visitors to my blog, and who keep returning....WOW, some one from Toronto, Ottawa, Canada just spent over an hour and 45 minutes reading over 4 separate visits on Thursday alone! Someone from Belgium keeps popping in. And of course all the locals, I've had a couple people drive by when I was in front of MICA who have rolled down the window and shouted 'Hi Dave' and waved..(probably students it's okay..I know how broke they are too....LOL).

SO..it's too late to go out now for money, I think, that's okay, I've got food and coffee credit, up at....'you know where'......and there may be some folks coming by to visit to night..I HOPE!!......so if I do not make it to Towson tomorrow..see you Monday!!

OH Yeah..I never saw that movie..nobody responded, and it was raining so hard.

It got a poor review in the paper though, so maybe it was a good thing...lol.

Next up...""TOP TEN BENEFITS OF BEING HOMELESS""..(LOL)..in the David Letterman style.

SEE YA..........Dave

"HollyWood Swingin'.................."

Hi;

Anybody out there with a car want to go to a movie pre-view screening in White Marsh Thursday evening???

I've a free pass for the 2 of us to see;

'My Life In Ruins'

Starring Richard Dreyfuss and Nia Viardolos

E-mail me..??

......Dave

"Luck Be A Lady Tonight.......Monday Night Retrospective......"

Hello again;

I almost forgot......................

to give thanks to a new acquaintance Joe, and to the 'luck gods and goddesses'....(see the list at the end of the post titled "Life, The Universe....etc,...from 5/28/09..Thursday..)....

I was in the gas station Monday night, doing the usual stuff before I went to lie down, and playing my daily dollar on the Keno..(and checking all the discarded tickets...you'd be amazed at the number of winners I've found!!..not big ones, but every $1.00-2.00 counts..). the fellow next to me had just on a bunch of tickets, and asked how I had fared, I told him I was out of there and he said here, take this $10.00 and play a few games and use the rest as I saw fit, so I played 4 games and saved the rest for coffee breakfast and a day pass..(I was flat broke). I won twice out of 4 plays, $25.00 and $2.00, so I played 2 more games, winning $2.00 again, this went on for an hour, playing on the same $2.00 winnings, until on the last game of the evening I won another $25.00.

I tried to pay back Joe his backing stake, but he said to keep it. We had talked during the course of the night and he asked my story. So I related my life in segments between keno Games...LOL. That's why I was able to spend money on Rachel, and to have the balance for a room, and to eat a meal last night...with get this......A FORK!!!....not just a sandwich...LOL.

Another Random Act of Kindness with a set of resulting.."parts greater than the sum",

Thanks, Joe.............................see ya......Dave

"Achey Breaky Bactrian Back............or.......Who Put All Those Straws On Me?........."

Good morning;

I neglected to mention in the last post, Monday, that after the 'incident' Sunday evening I started shaking and got violently ill as I got off the Light Rail and walked over to the Metro. It was a delayed stress reaction and a case of adrenal overload that gave me serious cramps and must have sent my blood pressure to the moon, (a woman at the Metro stopped commented on my bright red color and at first though it was sunburn, until she watched it fade....LOL). I tried to make light of the issue and relate it in a humorous sense, but the driving force was fear, and the inbred 'fight or flight' instinct. I don't like physical confrontation, and the fear of being hurt tends to take over and compensate for a lack of fighting skill and stamina...one thing I remember learning from my father, 'when the sh*t is about to hit the fan, and negotiation is not an option..shove the other guys face in the fan and disappear in the confusion'.

Maybe it's not Marquis of Queensbury rules, but it's my ass about to get kicked..not his...LOL.

Yesterday, I just could not wake up, and my back was acting up really bad, (today too), and I had no energy. So that's why thee was no post.

I got an e-mail Monday from 'Iokaepa and Inette, my friends who travel the country, with their 'Return Voyage' message and gatherings. http://www.returnvoyage.com/ .., telling me they are back in Baltimore for a few days and where could we meet. I sent back that I had transferred my morning rituals to the St Thomas Starbucks, and they met me there, and by coincidence, fate, or karma, they are staying just around the corner, (more or less). We had a nice visit and I called Rachel and her mom to come up to see them also, so I had an afternoon with Rachel, more ice cream...LOL....(Mint Chocolate Chip and Cotton Candy, is she 5 or what...Yucchh!.....LOL). And we went to the pet supply store and bought a pair of $0.99 toys for her new kitties; fake, but realistic looking mice, I'm not sure if the cats will get a chance to play with them or not....LOL. After everyone left, I had planned to go down to the library, but I kept dozing off, and snapping back awake. I went outside to wake up and take a small walk, and then went to the bus stop. I was talking to a man there, juts passing the time of day, and when his friends happened to drive by, they offered me a ride too, we ended up sitting outside the metro station until dark talking because we found out we had a bucnh of acquaintances in common in Florida, in the resort bar/restaurant business..or who used to be, there is so much turnover and relocation, I still have mail chasing me years later with a dozen old addresses scratched out. It was nice to reminisce

Sometimes wishes do come true............thanks.....BIG GUY!

I really wanted to sleep in a bed last night and to shower and I was trying to thimk if I could arrange it somehow, when I saw an envelope in the trash with what looked like coupons and free passes or tickets in it. I picked it up and found that almost all of them were expired and the ones that were not, were from out of the area...EXCEPT...for one $50.00 discount from Howard Johnson's, now there are only about 5 Howard Johnson's left in Maryland, and the motel that I stay in in Pikesville, just happens to be one, so I had a night inside for $12.00, shower, cable TV, and A/C...and a Real Bed...of course I slept lousy because of my back..(I think it's time for another MRI/CT/XRAY to see how far the discs have rotted away in the past few tears since the last detailed exam......back to the waiting room, for 4-5 hours just to get a referral.).....still it was a needed break, and I understand that there were some serious thunderstorms last night...when I did sleep...it was sure solid....LOL.

I've got to go to the east side tonight, to Monkee's, and pick up another week's supply of meds, that is one stressor lifted, having a regular supply until at least I can get to the doctor who is authorized in my health care plan to prescribe it, she is supposed to be back on the 10th of June.

I also have to start walking more to help my blood pressure meds..which reminds me, I've got to walk over to the Giant and put in my refill for them.

I've got enough money to eat and for coffee, and for a monthly bus pass, and I just don't want to stand out on the corner this evening, between my back and the humidity, I just feel like crap, and it's deepening the depression I'm semi-successfully fighting. The waiting for answers from the Medical Assistance folks is getiing to me, I know my liver is not right when I am feeling discomfort almost bordering on pain on a constant basis...think bout it HOW often are you ever really AWARE of your liver and it's functions? I am not looking forward to Interferon treatments, they are supposed to be a bitch, but either tell me I'm going to get them......or not, so I can say the hell with it and enjoy abusing it while it lasts......LOL.

Alright, I've got to answer some e-mails, I may be back later, but before I go, 2 things that are bothering me. Maybe I am too sensitive about it, but I got an e-mail, addressed to 'homeless dave', asking, 'how do we know you are homeless?', .....ever get a 'vibe' from an electronic message, silly as it may sound, that rubs you the wrong way? Homeless is a situation I am in, not who I am, Yeah, I have made some bad choices and decisions that combined with some circumstances that I had no control over that put me here. And I admit that some of my current choices and decisions may not be rational, in some peoples eyes (and I admit sometimes to me....BUT....???), in regards to having a roof over my head vs. the company I would be living with....but sometimes beggars can be choosers. You can be sure that if I can pull my head out of my ass, the first crack I get at somewhere that I feel comfortable living, I'm going to take it. I'm not scamming anybody, or getting any money out of this blog, it's free to read and free to write. And in the few case where someone has sent me a gift, I have gratefully and promptly acknowledged the fact, with as much awe as appreciation. Like i said, maybe I am being too sensitive, but I felt that I was being obliquely accused of running a con or some such thing. If you know someone who knows me..ask them, I have lots of faults, and I have a few beneficial attributes..........a HOME is not one of them.

And I'm getting sick and tired of hearing people say...'You're too clean to be homeless', I heard one guy say..'he's cleaner than me', I asked him if he had just gottne off work, or had just finished a work out, and he said no.....so I said.."I'm cleaner than you, and I'm homeless, you have the opportunity and resources, and I wash up and shave in bathrooms at various businesses...........hmmmm, what's wrong with this picture?....Can you spell DIRTBALL boys and girls??"..The woman in the car with him burst out laughing, and he pulled off cussing a blue streak as the light changed.....HOMELESS DOES NOT HAVE TO MEAN DERELICT>>>I may be a F*CKUP, but I am a hygienic F*CKUP!!!!

See you later....Dave

Weekend Update...........

Good Evening;

I feel like I've been away for a week for some reason, ya know, when you've been on vacation and just can't get yourself motivated when you get back to work.

I went to the Optometrist to day to get my glasses repaired. Why you ask did my glasses need to be repaired? I'm glad you asked, it gives me an opening for a rant....

Yesterday evening I was walking across the parking lot to the Light Rail on my way back to Owings Mills to meet Rachel at the Starbucks, and 2 typical Baltimorons; gangsta wannabe, ghetto stupid, useless waste of oxygen, and candidates for euthanasia at the first possible opportunity, thought it would be any easy job to 'bank' me and steal my bag. One stepped out from behind a car and got in my face while the other planned to sneak up on me and smack me in the head from behind. The genius was right in front of a spotlight and cast a huge shadow that I was able to see approaching me, and I was able to turn my body so his punch only knocked off my glasses with a glancing blow. They then got kicked across the lot, getting bent and twisted in the process. I explained calmly and reasonably in a quiet voice that I was residentially challenged and that it was illogical to assume that I was transporting any valuable cargo. They disputed my assertation and proclaimed that they were intending to incapacitate me and render me unable to speak, and possibly permanently deprive me of future locomotive ability. I expressed my displeasure at this idea and proceeded to actively prohibit their plan from coming to fruition. I attempted to warn them of my course of action and the projected result of continued aggression, but alas... they chose to ignore the cautionary advice I so freely offered....Now at this point in my narrative I must resort to euphemism and allusion in order to assert my Constituitionally protected 5th Amendment right not to incriminate myself...so I'll just say that when trveling in certain neighborhoods after the sun has dipped below the horizon, I have found it wise to carry purely defensive deterrents and devices, in this case I removed it from the discreet location where I had stored it and began to demonstrate the deletrious effects of certain flexible and sinuous, edged and flanged, hinged components of a honed and sharpened steel alloy upon the human physiology, and the consequences of said device being entangled around the ankles and it's negative properties in regards to gravity. One of the young gentleman decide to offer me an opportunity to examine his personal folding shaving system, so I readily acquiesed and used my own tool to stabilize his wrist and bring him within my sphere of influence, he decided to resist, and chose that moment to become a plasma donor, from a multitude of locations on his arm and neck....he then made a wise reconsideration regarding taking possesion of my property, and began to retreat, telling his companion,( of whom I neglected to mention, was currently performing some sort of ritual that encompassed grasping his crotch and screaming, while rolling on the ground, when I turned to greet the partner of this duo who aproached from my blind..HAH! side, somehow my clenched fist found it's way, at full arm extension..and beyond...into his groin.....accidents happen) that I was [paraphrased] 'a psycotically inclined maternal parent sexual abuser'..as he tripped and fell in the street........since there was atrain arriving at JUST that moment, I chose to end the exercise and not show off my tap dancing skills on their faces.

I then went up to the Starbucks and met my Rachel and taught her to play checkers whle we ate ice cream..(mint chocolate chip!!)..

gotta go closing time......Dave