Part 1

Good evening;

Welcome back Canada, wow, you must have read all the posts all the way back to last November, Thanks!!

We also had Great Britain, Spain, and a new country, Switzerland stop by this weekend, some of whom actually stayed and read for a minute...lol...(sometimes it takes so little to please me and....my ego!).

Speaking of which, a person came up to me in the Starbucks Sunday, asked if I was Dave, and said they read my blog and we sat and talked for a while........a small thing to some maybe, but a needed boost to my (at the moment) very low sense of self worth and esteem..............THANKS, You!!

It's just too bad that the feeling does not last and the depression pours back in...it's like trying to dig a hole in the sand at the tideline at the beach, even if you build walls and barriers all around to block the waves, the hole fills from the bottom slowly, steadily, but surely as a Sunday night backup at the Bay Bridge.

I hate this damn depression, I used to be able to.. if not exactly manage, then predict the severity and frequency. It was fairly trackable and cyclicable. Now....sh*t....it's about as stable as a crackhead who just hit the lottery....(and sometimes I feel I have about the same life expectancy).

I'm caught in a circle of lethargy, lack of motivation, low ambition, guilt, overeating because I can..(I've got loads of food credit..[that I can't find a buyer for], and Starbucks cards), meds for about a week, and these conversations in my head...(sometimes I try to join in but usually I get shouted down...lol), the gist of which are saying 'why bother' and 'it's not going to change', which lead me to settle for just making myself as comfortable as possible, while I can,.......because the sh*t is going to hit the fan at the end of the month anyway, no matter what I do or don't do.........................gotta run.........Dave