Friday, June 26, 2009

"Ramblings And Rantings"

Good Morning;

Sometimes it's hard to remain grateful when one gets stuck in the loop of 'Micro-misery', and forgets to keep the bigger picture in perspective. I am guilty of this recently, partly due to the depression, and partly due to complacency, and partly due to the cumlative effects of procrastination and rationalization.

In the light of the recent highly publicized deaths of 3 famous/infamous celebrities I have had a bit of a wakeup call. The sudden and unexpected demise of Michael Jackson, of cardiac arrest at age 50..(I'm 53...); the inevitable passing of Farrah Fawcet and the painful ordeal that she went through facing and fighting a particularly miserable type of cancer; and Ed McMahon's decline and death after a series of health tragedies and battles with the resulting complications.

I read the paper from front top back everyday...(and this is not as much of an effort as it used to be, the daily litany of shooting, stabbing, and auto deaths have little or no effect on me, (except in cases of children's lives tragically ended), desensitized as I am to many of them by reading between the lines, and having firsthand knowledge of the lifestyle choices of many victims.

Maybe it is because I am looking at my own mortality through the lens of Rachel's vision, in the case of both involuntary and voluntary exit planning, how it would affect and reflect on her life. And to be honest and not morbid, she is the only reason that on many occasions I chose to keep going, and the only person who I did not want to hurt.

There were time when I wanted to just walk into a room full of certain people and put a gun in my mouth and splatter blood and brains all over them, and leave them to deal with the image and thoughts of the deed, f*cking their heads up for the rest of their miserable lives...(yeah I guess you could say there were some anger, rage and revenge issues, not to say a wee bit of But I did not and only for her sake..(and before anyone calls out the guys in the white coats to bring the fancy jacket that buckles in the back....chill, the moments have

I have noticed a number of new readers being referred from Janet Gilberts blog...{SEE LINKS}... and I looked in to catch up, as I have not been reading anything online in recent weeks, she has a link here and called my little 'exercise in exorcism' "inspiring". Wow, talk about! I've been having guilt feelings about not having anything to say that I considered really worthwhile, and have even been, subconsciously I think, avoiding the library for that reason. Again, being wrapped up and consumed by the little things, has had me in a bit of "ostrich mode", as opposed to a straight up..WTF!.., and hiding rather than keeping up the front. Not that either is the best way to deal with all the crap, but at least a facade allows me to be available to pick up ideas from human interaction. And not writing about it allows everything to fester and infect my thoughts and behavior in a greater negative fashion, rather than being exposed to the cleansing and freeing effect of confession. Basically I get all whiny

Back to the main premise...boiled down, it renders out to this;..........Rich or poor...powerful or impotent, famous or anonymous,.....we're all gonna kick off at some point, whether sooner or later it's not always known, but life is too short to be miserable, and it really is easier to be grateful for the small blessings if the perspective is as wide as possible. Yeah misery happens, but I don't have to wallow in it..(welllll, maybe just a little, but only as point of reference, and because I'm a poet, and as David Bromberg wrote "You've Got To Suffer If You Want To Sing The Blues"......LOL!!)... even if sometimes EVERYTHING does hit the fan at the same time. What really began to bother me was the fact that I was losing my sense of humor, ironic and black as it can be, I still could not laugh. SO.....Screw it life IS a big joke...gotta grin and (try) to bear it,............Dave

Enough philoso-psycho-analysis, back to the soap opera that is my 'life'.

(or a reasonable facsimile thereof)

Yesterday, after Rachel went home from the library..and we had a really wonderful day, the vibes of which are still resonating..I went to the Giant and ended up chatting with Amber at the deli counter for around a 40 minutes as she closed, (and got a package of "ends" for $0.41, this is the best 'open secret' in town, a random grab bag cold cut selection at $0.99/lb!), then on the way out everyone who met Rachel, (we were in there earlier getting ice cream), commented on how wonderful she is, Sunday was shocked to find out she is my daughter NOT my granddaughter!, (I get that a LOT!!!....LOL),(and here is another entry in the kids say the darndest things category...Rachel looks at Sunday's smile and says to her, "You've got gold on your teeth!!", with this look of curious amazement).

I then made the decision that Yes, I DID need to get a room, for a myriad of reasons, ranging from mental hygiene to personal hygiene, and touching on everything in I did.

That turned out to be a mixed blessing, I had the shower..(twice!).., the bed, the a/c, and the cable TV, plus the peace of mind of safety, but...there was a car RIGHT outside the window that had a faulty car alarm going off at regular intervals through the night, and it was not listed on any guest registration card, and then when I got up to pee in the middle of the night, when I went to wash my hands, I had left the soap in the shower on, the seat..(oh yeah, I was in the ADA/wheelchair accessible room), and being half awake, forgot that the shower was not a normal tub/shower, and when I leaned over to brace myself on the tub rim ...there was NOT one!....WHAM!!..face first on the floor, after first bouncing painfully off the seat and wall. Now my knees are bruised and my neck and left side and shoulder are all twisted up and stiff, most likely sprained, and I cannot take muscle relaxers just now due to a negative interaction with the 'bupe', something about respiratory distress leading to failure to breathe, (which is never a 'good thing'!), so I spent as much time in the hot shower as I could before checkout. Thereby NOT making it to Social Security, D.S.S., and the clinic, (but this time it is not the depression/pity party from above), I'll go Monday and either soft soap one of the workers with a sob story..(WHEN, and that is the operative word, I'm ON, I'm pretty sincere....LOL) and get them to extend it one more day, being Monday, I've got a shot at that, or restart the whole process over. I'll worry about it Monday. I've been at the computer since late morning catching up. I'm still pondering what to do this afternoon...should I head out to the corner and try to pick up some cash (I have not been out since last week), or take a chance on lick and try to parlay a $5.00 outlay on the Keno (my luck has been fairly consistent on a small money level...$2.00 to $27.00 on a regular basis)? it is very hot out, and at 3:30 pm. on to about 6:30 pm. there is supposed to be a chance of thunderstorms also. The library closes at 5:30 pm. so if I am here still, I'll most likely go to the coffee shop, and sit up there until ???, the shed is going to be broiling until well into the night and there is no real way to air it out. I have a little bit of cash, a little bit of food credit, and a day or two of meds, and another change of underwear and socks, (plus a shorts/shirt and a pants/ sport shirt outfit), clean, and another set of undies at the ex'es I can grab as backup.

I really don't want to stand out on the corner in the heat, and I don't see me acquiring $300.00 by Tuesday for the judge that way, if I had a good weekend, I Might!! come up with $100.00 or so....maybe!! Soooo?? I don't know. First things first, I am going to check out the Giant deli, I had a really low budget nasty English muffin at the motel, The "Continental Breakfast" is a joke, the owners and most of the employees of this place really do perpetuate the stereotype of the "Apu the Indian/Pakistani(etc.)" 7/11 is an understatement, (and deodorant is an unknown!!){sorry..but it is true}. Then I'll see what's what weather wise and make a decision. I should be back here tomorrow to escape the heat, if I leave the coffee shop, and I WILL be there Sunday morning, (for the 2 folks who both said they may stop by). If I am not here tomorrow, I'll see you all on Monday, at some point, I hope.

Thanks for putting up with all my mental meanderings, and thanks for reading so faithfully........Dave

p.s.....I still need to raise some quick cash in a mostly legal manner, I consulted with a representative from H.A.D.E.S. Inc. (some sort of financial metaphysical holding company), and spoke with a Mr. Beelzebub about mortgaging my existential eternal personae, for some reason he started laughing when he looked up my IRS (that's Infernal Retrieval of Souls) file, and threatened to have me removed by security..(that's Cerberus Inc).. for attempting to peddle frozen aqueous matter. I mean, holy sh*t, I can't sell my blood for medical reasons; I can't sell my ass, 'cause I'm too old and fat (and hell even if I could, I sure as hell wouldn't want to sleep with anybody willing to opay for it!!!..LOL), and now I can't even sell my soul!..
see ya........D

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